I just spent the larger part of the morning writing about anger. It ended up being much longer than I had hoped, and opened up things that I had not anticipated. Great! Now I have to process anger. Well…My track record has been good with processing emotions so I will cling to the recent positive experiences that have transpired by tackling them head on. BUT anger is very hard for me — it is tied into a multiple of other emotions. I have never learned how to handle or express my anger properly. I also do not know how to handle someone else’s anger. That is a whole topic on its own.

Instead of exposing myself when I do not feel quite ready I will talk about John Keats.

Has anyone ever thought John Keats was an Aspie? I was just curious. I did not see it when I searched, but I did find that he suffered from depression. However, as I read some of his personal writings I thought it was interesting and felt very familiar. I read several things about John Keats last night. Then, ABC Local Conversation with Richard Filder “Tony Attwood” was on fb this morning that of course, I got sucked into because they used quotes from Mr. Darcy in the 1995 TV mini-series version of Pride and Prejudice. Which happened to be the first thing I saw with Colin Firth, and since I do adore Mr. Darcy ever so I got a little fixated with Colin. Don’t try to figure it out, I don’t know either.

Dr. Tony describes an Aspie mother and I said:”YES!”

He basically described many things in my life, and I am sure many others out there who need some confirmation today would find comfort listening to this. He is focusing more on women and girls later in the talk. He mentioned how AS girls can escape into imaginary worlds, and have imaginary friends. It made me laugh because yesterday I was talking out loud as an owl and a raven. They were my friends telling me the story that I am working on. I know that they were not real. It is just how my mind works. It is so funny how this talk is confirming so much of what I wrote out about dealing with anger. I am making more connections. It was confirming about what I am currently doing to try to find new coping mechanisms. It is confirming about me being a whistle-blower, my sensory intuition, my spy like qualities , and many other things. It is a great talk. I recommend listening to it.

Ok, back to John Keats.

This site Keats’ Kingdom had interesting facts like “Keats when he became a published poet collected every scrap of paper containing his earlier poems and burnt them as he considered them to be awful.” Um…no comment. Here are some excerpts that I found interesting as well. I am going to add my comments and indicate them by beginning with *.

Sent to Fanny Brawne February 1820

“For some reason or other your last night’s note was not so treasurable as former ones. I would fain that you call me Love still. To see you happy and in high spirits is a great consolation to me – still let me believe that you are not half as happy as my restoration would make you”

- Shows how Keats could be very selfish and inwards-thinking. Jealous and demanding

* The author here claims that Keats is being “Jealous and demanding” I question that after reading about his life. From my Aspie perspective (which really means nothing I am just stimming) I would say he is confused by her seeming happiness without him. He does not want her to feel unhappy, he treasures her joy, but he needs to know that she is missing him as much as he is missing her. He is feeling intense emotions that he felt she was feeling as well. However, by her note he is unsure which causes him to doubt her feelings. This confusion my life has often been labeled as jealousy and being demanding. He was consumed by her. In past writings he made it clear that he was uncomfortable around woman. I will share more of that later.

I wonder how many Aspies have been accused of being jealous or demanding when the reality is, we do not understand the social dynamics going on. I also wonder how often we act out in this because like Tony said in the above talk we prefer one-on-one instead of multiple people. The addition of another person can cause confusion about the relationship, and the relationship with the additional person. Relationships are so difficult. Is it that when we decide to give someone our affections we expect the same amount in return? If we see them being happy with others it could make us feel inadequate to the relationship? I don’t know these are the thoughts popping in my head at the moment. I am writing this on the fly.

“My sweet creature”
“I wander at the Beauty which has kept up the spell so fervently”

- It is strange that Keats should refer to his muse as a creature rather than a woman. Later on, he suggests that she has bewitched him, and can’t understand why she’s captivated him so much.
Fanny must have been somewhat confused by this, as Keats paints a picture of himself as being in love with Fanny, but for no particular reason except that she’s bewitched him.

* I do not find this strange at all. I express my love through animals, nature, colors, or numbers in my poetry or stories. I am able to confess my real emotions through the way I see creatures, or the world. I am not sure he was expressing that he was bewitched, but possibly he was able to express his affections in that way because it felt safer. He had never been in love before, it could have been too overwhelming to say: “Fanny, I love you”. He could have been terrified of the words — only able to express them through poems that indirectly, but cryptically revealed his true passions.

It is far easier to express your love imagining a creature as your desire of affection rather than the actual person. The creature will not reject you, and possibly he was purposely being cryptic because it was his cherished love that he did not want tainted by anyone else. Possibly she was the only one who understood what he was saying. I do have a kind of tragic love story brewing from the owl and the raven so my imagination could be taking flight here, but I will not expose anything. This is too fun.

Sent to Fanny Brawne June 1820

“..as usual I have been occupied with nothing but you: I wish I could say in an agreeable manner. I am tormented day and night”
“You are to me an object intensely desirable- the air I breathe in a room empty of you is unhealthy”

- It’s clear that Keats is hopelessly in love with Fanny. But as the letter goes on, the tone changes, almost becoming patronising:

“.. you have a thousand activities- you can be happy without me”
“You do not feel as I do- you do not know what it is to love”
“Ask yourself how many unhappy hours Keats has caused you in Lonliness”

- He just assumes Fanny doesn’t care that much for him, or perhaps he’s trying to provoke a response so that he can feel better? (assuming she will be kind in her reply)

* I do not think he is trying to provoke a reply here. Maybe he is I don’t know, but it doesn’t seem to go along with his character. Imagine thinking that you would never find a person that you could have such strong feelings for, add being confused by the social dynamics of that species, to discover one has caught your affections and seems to have the same affections. It would be scary, and if you have been abandoned before, such as he was as a child it would prove to be very challenging to trust your emotions and those of the other person. I think he has found that connection that he had never felt before and he does not know what else to with it. It is confusing to see her happy without him when he is so miserable without her.

It is hard to explain for me with friends, and even family it has been difficult to understand how people are so able to move forward without me. I have felt like it did not matter if I was around or not. Surely they never cared for me as they said they did because they are perfectly fine without me. It is part of the “all or nothing” mindset. I am getting a lot better in this area, though it is hard for me to grasp sometimes. It is not that I want them to be miserable, I just want to know that they miss me, I matter, and that they think of me. Just as I think of them, maybe not as obsessively, but at least fleeting happy thoughts. Lol! (I am not always obsessive…really…ok, about people anyway. )

It’s hard to understand where I stand in relationships.

I have expressed it before that I need someone to tell me if we are friends I will not figure it out. Well after years maybe. Like my one friend here, it took me two years to finally understand that we are good friends. I didn’t know this until a few months ago. I figured since we had not seen each other in so long that we were done being friends. I just assumed that we were finished with any kind of friendship and let it go since I had not seen her or heard from her in a while. I didn’t have any ill feelings — I just thought well it was a good run for me. Wow, that sounds kind of strange now that I wrote it out. I’ll leave it. More on Keats…

I found these letters on this site John Keats and Fanny Brawn. 

Keats felt uncomfortable with women and contemptuous of them. In July 1818, he wrote:

… I am certain I have not a right feeling towards Women–at this moment I am striving to be just to them but I cannot–Is it because they fall so far beneath my Boyish imagination? When I was a Schoolboy I thought a fair Woman a pure Goddess, my mind was a soft nest in which some one of them slept though she knew it not–I have no right to expect more than their reality.

I thought them etherial above Men–I find them perhaps equal…. I do not like to think insults in a Lady’s Company–I commit a Crime with her which absence would have not known–Is it not extraordinary? When among Men I have no evil thoughts, no malice, no spleen–I feel free to speak or to be silent–I can listen and from every one I can learn–my hands are in my pockets I am free from all suspicion and comfortable. When I am among Women I have evil thoughts, malice spleen–I cannot speak or be silent–I am full of Suspicions and therefore listen to no thing–I am in a hurry to be gone–You must be charitable and put all this perversity to my being disappointed since Boyhood–. . .

I could say a good deal about this but I will leave it in hopes of better and more worthy dispositions–and also content that I am wronging no one, for after all I do think better of Womankind than to suppose they care whether Mister John Keats five feet high likes them or not.

* Hee hee I love it! I feel the same about certain women. Sorry it’s true, and I have felt the same about certain men. Indeed. The next part amused me very much. Not in a sick way, just in a familiar and comfortable way. He was soon to meet the love of his life Fanny Brawne which makes this whole story very tragic, sad, wonderful and glorious at the same time.

It is not surprising that he would rather not marry, preferring solitude, the life of the imagination, and the appreciation of beauty:

…I hope I shall never marry. Though the most beautiful Creature were waiting for me at the end of a Journey or a walk; though the carpet were of Silk, the Curtains of the morning Clouds; the chairs and Sofa stuffed with Cygnet’s down; the food Manna, the Wine beyond Claret, the Window opening on Winandermere, I should not feel–or rather my Happiness would not be so fine, as my Solitude is sublime.

Then instead of what I have described, there is a Sublimity to welcome me home–The roaring of the wind is my wife and the Stars through the windowpane are my Children. The mighty abstract Idea I have of Beauty in all things stifles the more divided and minute domestic happiness–an amiable wife and sweet Children I contemplate as a part of that Beauty. but I must have a thousand of those beautiful particles to fill up my heart. I feel more and more every day, as my imagination strengthens, that I do not live in this world alone but in a thousand worlds–No sooner am I alone than shapes of epic greatness are stationed around me, and serve my Spirit. . .

Letter, Oct 1818

He goes on to explain, “the opinion I have of the generallity of women–who appear to me as children to whom I would rather give a Sugar Plum than my time, form a barrier against Matrimony which I rejoice in. “

I had not read all about John Keats until yesterday.

I had read his poetry before, but I had not dabbled into his life. I did not know any of this and ironically the story that is playing around in my head has very similar themes. I am not claiming that John Keats had Aspergers I am just seeing parallels for myself. And playing around to help me not get consumed in loops that I do need to get caught up in. I do find his life, and his love very interesting and I can relate very much to many of the things that I read. Who doesn’t want to consume information about John Keats? Come on! (giggle, giggle)

Here are a few links that I read:

John Keats

The Life of John Keats

The Grasshopper and The Cricket (Poem) 

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Alright I am getting tired of talking about these ballet classes now, but it seems that for some reason I am supposed to be learning something…I guess? Yesterday morning I received a phone call from the man whose truck I hit giving me the estimate of the damages. Not too bad, but still more than I was hoping. All is good. However, I was anxious. I was upset to find out that he doesn’t normally go on Thursday nights, but on Wednesdays. He had a meeting last week and that made him switch nights. Why did I go? I didn’t want to talk to him at all — I didn’t want to talk to anyone yesterday. I was trying to overcome my anxiety about attempting to go to the class again. I was also a little anxious because I have been having an ongoing conversation via email with a neuropsychologist about setting up an evaluation for me. The anxiety stems from the cost, and my own issues about being a bother to people.

I will say so far she has been incredibly kind.

She has taken the time to answer my questions, and work with me via email after I explained to her my phone anxiety. Big points for her! I had several social encounters, and a weirdo running around the streets asking the neighborhood to vote for him for president. I don’t know why this stuff makes me anxious it just does. I had tried to talk myself out of going to class last night, but then I decided I had to go. I wanted to go, I really wanted to dance. I got there with no parking issues, went up to the door and a sign read “Adult Ballet Classes Cancelled for the month of February”. Whaaat? I went inside and the receptionist was nowhere to be found. I decided to leave and go to the store. I had already planned on going to the store after class.

As I left I was laughing.

I thought it was the funniest thing. It had to be sudden because the receptionist did not seem to have knowledge of this last week when I was there. I felt kind of bummed, but then I figured it must be for a reason. My mom actually started up another Bible study on Thursday nights, and my one friend that I have here is going to it. I haven’t seen her since May or June I think. I decided that I will do that and this will give me a month to practice/refresh myself on ballet terms and moves. Ironically, (I am not kidding this is truly funny.) I didn’t feel like putting in a CD so I scanned through the radio channels because my normal channel was playing commercials. As it was “seeking” it landed on the beginning of this song Alanis Morissette – Hand In My Pocket The song basically talks about how things are going to be fine.

So yeah, I sang it really loud because I haven’t heard it in a long time and I needed it. 

I was driving over the bridge and looked in my rear-view mirror to see a humungous sunset. It was awesome! I decided I was going to dance anyway. I went to the stores, putting my ear bud headphones on, and I danced down the aisles at both stores I had to go to. I did drop my bananas as I was skipping down the baking aisle. Lol! I dropped my bananas! When I got home I was not finished dancing, I still had some moves in me. I parked the car in the driveway. I grabbed my little shuffle, bounced over to the large lot of grass that used to be the “park” across the street, and I danced under the light of the moon. I leaped, twirled, sang, tippy-toed, spun and plain danced like a fool for the stars like I used to.

It woke up my spirit.

It felt right. There is no other way to explain it. I danced off all of the strange looks I got at the stores. I smiled and giggled. I played connect the dots with the stars — I witnessed a slight ring around the moon. Recalling some moments of the evening. As I walked into one store, smiling and bouncing to the music — two ladies looked at me and smiled, but they still gave me an odd look. I didn’t care. In the store I got similar looks, now I was not being obnoxious I was flowing to the music and dancing with my cart. I was not doing it in the middle of the big aisles, only the ones that I went down. There were no people down them, but when people walked by me they noticed. I didn’t pay any attention and kept being happy.

I was flowing, slightly bouncy as I walked out into the parking lot to my car.

A woman who seemed to be about my age gave me a horrible look. I smiled at her, and kept on. At that moment I looked up at the moon and I said to myself: “Life is too short not to dance.” So I went on and had a grand night with the moon and the stars leaping about. Frankly, I am so tired of people trying to stifle others. I don’t care how old I am I will be dancing, and being silly as much as possible. There are too many bad things in this world. They can be consuming, and steal our happy days. I HAVE to have happy days because sometimes my bad days feel so overwhelming and unending. Those things that can break our hearts, they can consume us, if we don’t find our comic relief or things that bring us joy we will be swallowed up by them.

I was dealing anger about several situations that had transpired the month of January yesterday.

After I wrote out my post, I was finished. I no longer felt the need to lash out instead I was able to find other ways to make a difference. I feel that some of them may seem inadequate, but at least it is something. This time I am not brewing in my loops wanting to get all crazy angry in people’s faces. (I don’t really do that…usually.) I can get swallowed up in what I see as unjust and wrong, but when I get swallowed up I cannot function or think properly. My head has gained clarity, and last night helped me a great deal. The cold last night didn’t affect me…maybe it was my tights and leotard that kept me so warm. Wait! I did not only wear tights and a leotard in the store, I had a pullover dress on so I was not getting looks because of my attire. Just clarifin’. I am done with this post I am feeling too silly at the moment and may say some off the wall things. I must share this though.

My 90-year-old Grandma Dances to LMFAO – Party Rock Anthem

I am SO going to be doing this when I am 90! (Or older even since I will be a cyborg and all.)

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Goodness! What is wrong with me? I want chocolate!! I submitted to my craving and made chocolate covered strawberries. We will have them after dinner. I thought they looked so pretty that I would share a picture of them. They are fine looking specimens and the melted Ghirardelli semi-sweet chocolate chips are tasty. Hmm…Tasty.

Can you tell I am a little off?

I am excited and nervous about going to dance class again this week. Also, I am going to a play at the community theater in a couple of weeks with my mom and sisters for my sister’s birthday. I am looking forward to that as well as finding out the weekend that mom and I are going to Savannah there is a music festival! We are both excited, and kind of bummed. We discovered the concerts are quite pricey and after thinking about it there will be a lot more people roaming the streets.

The good news is that there could be other cool things happening because of the event.

I may be roaming the streets at night by myself since mom is usually in bed by 8:00pm and then up at 2:30am. She said she could stay up later than eight, we will see. I am ok with that I am used to her going to bed and me entertaining myself. Ha ha ha I am completely babbling because I have a lot rolling around in my head. I tried to stop my information consumption, but I cannot seem to do it. The book that I started reading is getting me thinking even more!  I am through the first chapter and I have a ton of things I want to talk about. I cannot get my thoughts organized though because I am obsessed with mythology at the moment and owls. AND everything is connecting to everything then, making me think of a billion other things.

Breathe… (Llama??)

Alright I am finished. Lol! I am excited at how well the kids are doing with school though. Yea! Again, they are arguing because of miscommunication, but school is going well. The miscommunication going on is pretty intense. All three of them are taking words and actions the wrong way from each other and from David and me. Maybe it is a sibling thing, I don’t know. David says that he had similar issues with his brothers. They were all fairly close in age so I guess it could be the situation. I am trying really hard to help them stay calm with each other and explain how they have misunderstood. Maybe this is why I am feeling off. Daniel and Joshua have been playing really well together, but if Joshua is done, Daniel gets so upset. Ariel wants a girl to play with she is “tired” of the boys.

She said she would like a robot.

Oh, well I suppose I had better get used to this kind of stuff. I just find it all so confusing sometimes. I have to share pictures of what Joshua has been creating. Since we got the Lego catalog he has been requesting all of the Batman Lego sets. We told him that he has to wait until his birthday that is in June. (He is talking about it every day.) He has decided to build his own sets until he gets the “real” ones. He creates all of them on his own — they are awesome. The other day he built an entire scene from the Batman Wii game. He also made a Penguin submarine and action figure for Daniel so they could play together. As well as building guys and robots from Robotech. I have pictures of their handwriting, drawings, and other things. Um… a lot of pictures.

Just because…

[Show as slideshow]

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Emily Dickinson

Amanda Cass, Artist

Part One: Life
CXXVI

THE BRAIN is wider than the sky,
For, put them side by side,
The one the other will include
With ease, and you beside.

The brain is deeper than the sea,
For, hold them, blue to blue,
The one the other will absorb,
As sponges, buckets do.

The brain is just the weight of God,
For, lift them, pound for pound,
And they will differ, if they do,
As syllable from sound

I started reading Embracing the Wide Sky by Daniel Tammet yesterday.

I only got through the introduction because I ended up being quite busy and couldn’t sit and read anything. However, I am already intrigued by the intro alone. I have written about him before because I watched his TED talk back in November. The post has the link to the TED talk. I will allow him to explain his book.

Embracing the Wide Sky by Daniel Tammet Video

I have also read his book Born on a Blue Day and want to read it again, but I just don’t feel it is the right time yet. I need to continue to seek more understanding about how my mind works and not compare it to others. I have a tendency to seek out similarities, and then get too excited that someone else knows what I am talking about. This can distract me at times, mostly when it is in a book or music form because I can go and consume information about the author/musician.

Another whole way my brain works.

I discovered when I limit my knowledge to one particular subject my mind goes into a stiff black-and-white thinking and I am unable to see any other perspective. I am a consumer of information, but I also dump it. I call those moments “mind dumps” and allow all of the information that I am consumed to be written out and make connections to various things that can go back to my childhood all the way up to this second. Though Daniel states that “thinking” too much or information consumption can cause a lack of creativity in a sense, my mind does not work that way — completely.

The more knowledge I gain the more I become creative.

That is as long as I do a mind dump if I do not let it all go and allow it to fuse into my brain then, I do the very thing he is talking about. I actually end up getting stuck, and my brain gets chaotic. I find that he is correct then, for me anyway. Possibly we are all like that. Maybe it is not how much information that we are consuming — it is the type of information we consume. People tend to gravitate to what makes them feel “right” in their opinions maybe that is what causes us to lose our intelligence and our creativity.

I can only speak for myself and say a resounding: “Yes, that is correct.”

I lost intelligence when I limited myself to reading and gathering information on one topic through filtered resources. I was very intelligent in that topic, but I could not understand others not believing the same as I did. I could not comprehend others not conforming to my opinions. The reason was because I was only circling information. I was gathering information from different resources and people but, they all thought the same thing. I knew this because I would say things like: “That is what so and so said.” Then, run and find the book or their website to prove it to myself or someone else. My mind keeps record of what people say, what author wrote what, AND I “cyber-stalk” them. By doing that I would learn that these groups of people were one giant CLIQUE! They used the same publishers, and went to the same gatherings and many more things. I would like to say that this is limited to only one topic, however it’s not. I have discovered this in many of my topics that I consume.

It wasn’t until recently that I have discovered my intelligence again.

Rather, let me say all of the knowledge that I had packed away into my brain pretending like it did not exist. I did remember — I just doubted my intelligence because I trusted authority to be putting in as much time and consumption as I did when learning a topic. David said the other day that I never lost my reason or intelligence, I still reasoned and used my knowledge quite well. I would however, doubt and get confused with people who were supposed to be an authority on the topic. When they did not know, or showed lack of interest as I brought up inconsistencies, or questions I would fold and believe that somehow I was wrong.

I see now that my wandering mind is not wrong.

I shall continue to learn as a child, asking questions, keeping my brain full of activity, soar in my love affair with numbers and letters and let my brain travel to the wide sky to see what else can be learned. I think this book will help me accept my mind and way of thinking at a new level, and find even more compassion for how others think…in a more balanced way. I can be compassionate toward others way of thinking to the point of devaluing my own way of thinking. Awareness is the key!

Another book that I am reading is Introducing Fractals: A Graphic Guide this one is for simple pleasure.

(I’ll probably learn something…darn. Lol!)

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Last night was to be my first dance class…was. I was doing very well throughout the day — I was pretty excited and nervous. Though a bit concerned because my ballet slippers had not arrived yet. (they did not) I decided to bring my other dance shoes — possibly I could pull it off for one night or even get a feel for the class before participating. After finally accepting, the fact that other people were going to see me in a leotard.  L-E-O-T-A-R-D! Yes, that can be a huge source of anxiety for someone who has a skewed view of their body. Anyway, taking classes obviously trump all feelings of anxieties, and fears, or phobias because I REALLY want to do it.

I was still a bit nervous because I did not have my shoes.

I pushed those feeling back, and told myself whether they came or not I was going. Then, Joshua said several times throughout the day: “I don’t want mommy to go tonight.” he was talking to David. He also told me that he did not want me to go. I thought it was the strangest thing because Joshua is the one who practically pushes me out the door if he knows that he will have “Daddy” all night. I am serious this kid jumps up and down when I tell him I am going to the store because daddy is the better than chocolate. Not really, if I offered chocolate or David Joshua would pick chocolate. His loyalties only go so far, but the order goes like this Chocolate, Lego’s, Daddy, Star Wars, and then Mommy.

I am fine with that I completely understand his five year old thoughts when it comes to that.

I know where I am on his list so I found it very strange that he didn’t want me to go. I should have listened. I should have listened to my gut and not go because I didn’t have my shoes. I felt like I had to push myself though otherwise I would sink into anxiety. I got there on time, but the parking lot was packed. There were parents picking up their children and it was chaotic. I couldn’t find a parking spot and I drove to the other end, and found one. However, I could not tell if I was allowed to park there because it was for another business that was open. In haste I decided that I did not want to chance getting towed.

I went down and found a spot in front of the studio.

It looked tight, but I thought I could fit our minivan in there. It was between two monster trucks, everyone around here has monster trucks. I am not kidding they are the most gargantuan, insanely humungous trucks I have ever seen in one city. They fit them in tiny compact parking spaces and you have to practically climb out of your window like the Dukes of Hazards in small parking lots here. There was a couple in their huge truck waiting for their child on my left, and a white truck on my right. I thought that I had managed enough room, but the white truck was in my blind spot. I pulled in and scraped against the side, freaking out I pulled out scraping again. I panicked because I could not find a place to park to look at the damage. A guy came around out of his car and gave me a dirty look.

The couple looked at me with their mouths wide open.

I hurried to find a parking spot so I could get back to the scene as quickly as possible. I think they all thought I took off. I couldn’t find my insurance card since I was so shaken. I then, realized that I left the new one on the printer at home. I flung everything from the glove compartment around the car because I couldn’t think. I couldn’t find a pen, which normally there are at least three sitting around in the car. I ran back to the truck and the couple seemed very relieved to see me. I asked them if they had a pen and they told me that the guy was inside playing guitar. (They do guitar lessons as well.) I went inside and told the receptionist what had happened. I am not sure what I looked like or how I was behaving, but she was worried about me and told me that it would be alright.

The guy came out and I told him what had happened.

We went out to see his truck, and quite honestly it was not bad at all. There was a tiny dent, and paint that will come right off. Our car on the other hand looks much worse, but the door still opens so it will be fine. I was still startled, I couldn’t think. He asked me if I wanted to file a claim and I could not think. I didn’t have a phone on me. The man offered to let me use his phone. I tried to get hold of David, but we do not have the phone downstairs, so he did not hear it. The man offered to let me email David, but David did not receive the email. I was flustered. The receptionist was very nice and asked if I was picking up my child. I told her I was supposed to start the dance classes. She tried to get me focused on that while I waited to try David again. They only take cash or check.

I only had my bank card on me.

She was going to let me take the class anyway and I could pay next week, but I just couldn’t. I just needed to get home. The man and the receptionist both kept telling me that it was alright, it was an accident, and everyone has an accident. I am not sure what I looked like. I did keep apologizing because first I hit the guy’s car, then I used his phone, PLUS I interrupted his guitar lessons. I felt horrible. I have never hit anyone’s car, especially a parked one! I have only had two tickets in my entire life! I have been in one car accident where I was driving, but it was not my fault I was rear-ended. When I heard the scrape of the cars the sound sent my body into shock. I was already hypersensitive from social anxiety.

It made everything magnified.

The good thing is the guy was very kind, and seemed more worried about me. The receptionist and everyone that was in the waiting area were very kind and comforting. Several of the people thanked me for coming in to tell the guy. I thought that was odd, why wouldn’t I come in and tell him? I HIT HIS TRUCK! I had to tell him. I did a horrible thing! I do realize that my intense feeling about it is not shared with others, but I still feel awful for damaging another person’s possession. Why didn’t I listen to my gut? Why didn’t I listen to Joshua? Why didn’t stay in that other parking spot?

It is all ok.

I am not going to let this stop me from going back. In the past I would never go back no matter how much I wanted to dance. I would have been consumed with embarrassment and guilt. I would have been looping about the other people who were staring at me in an odd way instead of staying fixed on the people who were being positive and comforting. It helped that both the receptionist and the guy said:”I’ll see you next week.” This is a huge thing for me to be able to get over. (Kind of over) I did go through a bit of shock last night. I couldn’t drive for a few minutes, and when I did try I couldn’t stop crying. I was so upset with myself because the other thing that ran through my mind was that we do not have the money to pay for our car or his car. I just caused us senseless money loss.

I get really freaked out about things like that.

I could have stopped it, but now I am costing us money that is needed for other things. This line of thinking would have forced me to not continue with the classes as well. I would have punished myself for making a silly mistake. I shutdown when I got home after hyperventilating and crying in the front yard while I showed David what I did. He is not concerned with it at all. He said that it is not that bad. He then had to go to the store because I was in no position to go. I had planned on going after dance class.

I could only sit and watch shows when I finally settled down. 

They made me laugh, and that helped a lot. I did continue to relive the event over and over like a movie in my head, I started craving sweets, which I normally do not, and I was shivering and felt like I was freezing even though I was bundled in warm clothes and a blanket. It seems so strange how I could go through such trauma with something so little, but all of my senses and emotions were heightened because I was trying something new. I was going to a new place. I was meeting new people. I did not have my shoes. I was going against my feeling to not go. My brain was processing a lot. Then, to damage something that belongs to someone else was devastating. I don’t know why it affects me like that. Also, the sounds, the crowds (The kids were swarming and so were their parents.), it was just a lot to take in.

Overall I am feeling positive, the damage is not that bad in hindsight and I am going back with no fears.

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There are times, like this moment where I feel nothing. It’s not really that I feel nothing it is I have no idea what I am feeling. However, I am not freaking out about it, and I am not trying to analyze it (fully), I am just here. There is a slight tinge in my heart at this moment that is probably triggered from the fear of exposing myself. Other than that I feel like a concrete wall from a distance. It looks as if there is nothing to it, it looks solid, gray, and hard, but when you get too close you see tiny cracks, holes, spaces, and shades of gray. I like looking at the gray wall from a distance sometimes, it feels peaceful.

I know that I am prone to put myself under a microscope more so than I do others.

I treat myself like some sort of science project trying to figure out why I do this or why I said that. I want to know why I think the things I do, especially when I feel like others around me do not or I can’t let something go. The other day when I had a meltdown I started to pick myself apart wanting to know why I did such a thing when I haven’t in so very long. Why this time? What sent me over? Why did I feel better when I threw the loaf of bread at the toaster? And why didn’t David understand that his words to me seemed to imply that I was in trouble? Why did I automatically think that I was in trouble? Why did I assume that David was implying in his words “Don’t you need to go to Target?” that he meant that I had better get off of the computer, deal with Daniel, make breakfast for everyone, and get my butt to the store, then back home again to enable him to get upstairs and get back to work?

Why did I think that?

I still am not sure what he meant and I told him after all was settled that is what I thought he was saying to me. I am still angry at his words, but I cannot tell you why exactly. Possibly because they seemed completely inappropriate at the time. I knew I had to go to the store. I knew that in order to go to the store I needed to get off of the computer, help Daniel calm down, make breakfast, and then go. I knew that so why at that moment would he say that? Why didn’t he understand that I needed to get calm myself before helping Daniel, or doing anything else? The computer and my thoughts were the only thing keeping me calm, why would he interrupt that? I am not trying to make David look bad here I am trying to figure out what I am feeling and why. Part of me at this second doesn’t care at all, then there is the analytical side that needs this puzzle resolved. I really have no answers to my questions I am writing them out to get them out of my head.

It did send me on a course of being fixated on the brain…again.

I also tried to work with the kids about their emotions and asked them to express themselves this morning. I asked them to explain what they feel like when they are angry and happy. I could only get through those two. The ironic thing is that Daniel was the only one who could clearly define what he feels like when he is angry. Joshua could not find his own answers he repeated Daniel’s, and Ariel could not answer me at all. She looked at me blankly and said:”I don’t know.” I asked her rephrasing the questions to try to help her, and she could not. She finally said:”I really don’t know. I don’t know how I feel when I am angry. When I am happy I just want to play.” I know what she means. I will share some of what Daniel told me because I think that it is awesome.

Anger expressed by Daniel

When I am angry my head makes me want to kick the door and kick you.
My stomach feels upset.
It’s ok to be mad, but it’s not ok to scream at people.
It’s not ok to hit people.
Instead of hitting, screaming, or kicking I can go read.
When I am angry for a long time, then I get really calm.
I lose my words when I get mad.

He did an incredible job expressing what anger was to him.

To be honest I was amazed that he told me all of that, and he shared more, but I will limit it to what I have already written. I asked him why he wanted to kick me and he told me because he wants me to fix it. He thinks that I know why he is upset and I should fix it. Oh, boy! I can relate to that too. I have been reading more about Theory of Mind, and see with clarity my lack of. I think that part of the reason I find it so difficult to understand others is because I do not even understand my own emotions at times. What if you lack theory of mind for yourself? I do understand that a contributing factor to my lack of understanding is suppressing my emotions.

Which one was first suppression or lack of understanding?

I would venture to say the latter because I would first have to feel the need to suppress. Suppress what? What I do not understand, emotions. They probably played off of each other, as a child I didn’t understand my emotions and I was not allowed to express them freely. They would be through meltdowns, shutdowns, anxiety attacks, and what was perceived as misbehaving. These behaviors have not left me I have gotten better at controlling them or hiding them. I can link my obsessive behaviors with wanting to suppress emotions. It has helped me push them down using my rituals, or fixations to make the feelings go away.  Sometimes I will work harder at it because it is so confusing, and I don’t know what I am feeling. I see why some of my behaviors have been deemed addictive, by myself and others.

In these months that I have been working through things I have not been suppressing them.

I have been feeling them without clarity to what they are, or why I am feeling them at that moment. I have had to tell myself over and over that emotions are not bad. My emotions are telling me something. It is alright to feel them and let them ride their course. I do not know if others have such problems with this, but it is so difficult to not run and hide from them. I haven’t allowed myself though — I have continued to write whatever I am feeling. The discovery of finding release creatively has helped me greatly. The ability to write emotions whether I know what it is about or not has been healing.

I am learning a great deal about myself.

The process has brought some clarity to the difference between what I am feeling, and when I am adopting someone else’s emotions. However, some of my emotions are so intense that I don’t know how to deal with them. I was feeling very upset about many things the past couple of weeks. The other morning when I lost it I had hit my threshold. I felt exhausted from trying to help the kids with their “moments” from the past couple weeks. I get overwhelmed with feeling like I have to constantly know how to help Daniel. I get tired and frustrated from a lot of things. AND then I am supposed to be reading people as well?

I don’t have it in me.

I may sound like a narcissist, but sometimes it is just too much sensory, emotionally, and mentally wise to have to think about what another person means when they say something to me. Or having to deal with their emotions, how I may have hurt their feelings. There are times when I want to say: “Screw it!” it’s just too much. I am tired of processing emotions. I am tired of worrying about if I understand someone or if they understand me. I’m tired of passive-aggressive people. It’s a waste on me anyway it takes days, weeks, months, sometimes years to even realize someone was being passive-aggressive. I completely lost track of what I was writing here, forgive me…quisquous comes to mind. I just like “qu” words. (giggle)

Sorry if I make no sense at all I am processing the very thing I do not want to do today, but cannot stop it.

I am neither sad nor upset in this post, I really am just processing and actually feel fine. Come to think of it I feel better doing this mind dump. Hopefully, I wasn’t too negative sounding.

Some reads I thought were worth sharing.

Intellectual vs. Emotional Processing

Robert Seyfarth: Theory of Mind Video (Great! According to him I am like a three year old. I guess I can learn?)

Empathy, Mindblindness, and Theory of Mind  (I might have shared this before, but it is worth reading again.)

I will share this bit from the above link:

While some professionals will say, as in a quote from Stephen Edelson Ph.D., “…many autistic individuals do not understand that other people have their own plans, thoughts, and points of view,” I think this is overly simplistic.  For myself, I can say that I absolutely understand that people have their own plans, thoughts, and points of view – but those plans, thoughts, and points of view are often a mystery to me. 

Do Not Suppress Addictive Thoughts! (I have a whole post in my head linked to damaging beliefs and suppressing addictive behaviors and/or emotions, thoughts, etc…)

DSM 5 Autism Criteria: Clarifying Impact, Taking Action

I add this as well because another source of emotional confusion for me has been numerous disputes, and then confusions regarding the DSM-5 and between people in the autism community. I have had to limit some of my reading because I get so torn reading from different perspectives. I can see the points from each party and I want to bring peace to the camps, but I cannot.

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This morning started out pretty well. I had my plans for school floating in my head, I was quickly typing out some poems that I remembered from my dreams last night, and just as I was finishing up to get ready to prepare breakfast…the tornado of Daniel came sweeping under my chair kicking and screaming. Through the yells it was revealed that he wanted a toy spider that he could not find. It started because for some reason Ariel and Joshua decided they wanted to play with toy bugs this morning. Daniel has not spoken about this spider in months, I mean MONTHS! I knew exactly which spider he was referring to because a couple weeks ago when I went into a cleaning frenzy and organized all of their toys once again, in my mad cleaning spree I saw this spider.

The spider had been in the corner of the kitchen hidden under various other objects.

It was hiding in a place that I had not seen because quite honestly I was completely overwhelmed with all of the random small pieces or mismatched toys that clustered various small places in this house. The toys that should go in a lost and found box for later, but somehow Daniel seems to think they belong in corners of the house, under my blankets on my bed, randomly placed in my closet, or completely dumped in any or all rooms of the house. I have pictures of these toy dumps for just today that I will convince him later that he needs to help me clean up. However, it will mainly be me or David cleaning it up. Yes, yes the spider.

I had to tell him that I threw it away.

WHY?? Why did I do such an evil vile thing? On purpose?! I will not go into detail, but will only say aggressive much? The last couple weeks have been the delayed reaction to the holidays. The kids in their own way have been having small meltdowns, but nothing major. Daniel has been aggressive off and on for about two weeks, but his recovery time and his aggressive behaviors have not been anywhere near what they used to be. I forget how much of a toll this takes on me because I am in reaction mode, then I wonder why I feel the need to stim for hours. This morning was pretty bad though. It was so bad that I had my own meltdown. I couldn’t help it. I was overwhelmed with being derailed once again for school and trying to pull myself together to get us able to focus and accomplish what we needed to for today.

I could not control my outburst.

It was not directed at the kids. I was trying to finish my thoughts because I was stuck and needed to get them out. Daniel was screaming at me, and kicking the back of my chair. Then, David asked: “Don’t you need to go to Target?” That did not sit well with me. I had no control over my words, and went in and started breakfast. I was throwing bread of course, and tossing eggs. Then, I stopped, put my head in my arms and kept repeating: “I can’t get back, I can’t get back.” while stomping my foot and almost crying. I was completely derailed. I have been struggling for weeks to get back to our schedule. It isn’t going well. The kids are being argumentative about school, and I am trying my best to stay motivated myself.

Long story short I had to apologize to David.

Daniel had to apologize to me. I went to Target and cried in the vitamin aisle, then felt guilt for having a meltdown. I did not find a spider so I had to go to two other stores and finally found one. If I did not get a spider Daniel would not have been able to move forward for who knows how long. I came home, gave him the spider and all was well with him anyway. Joshua and Ariel is another story. Joshua has been highly emotional lately and feeling like everyone is leaving him out. It does not make sense to me at all because no one is. It really causes me  confusion, which is never good because that makes me anxious. I don’t know how to help or even understand it. Ariel is transitioning from little girl to girl, and that has a whole other dynamic that I can relate to. I just was not expecting it at seven years old.

It’s all quite interesting.

The positive is that recovery time today and the other days have been short for the kids. I think part of my meltdown today was that I have been holding this stuff in and trying to put out fires forgetting that it affects me too. When Daniel is aggressive I have to be on my toes trying to save things in the house, stop him from throwing things, slamming doors, breaking the toys that he loves. I don’t know why he always goes to destroy his favorite toys. He always gets so upset after they are broken, it makes it worse. Wait…after thinking about it I have done the same thing. Maybe it is because we are so upset it makes us even angrier to see something that can make us happy. Possibly a form of control. Who knows I am analyzing to escape.

I am still overwhelmed and will need this day to recover.

We did finish all of our school work. Daniel completed everything and even brought me a social skills book saying: “I want to read this today. It is my favorite.” It was perfect because it has visuals and the wrong way and the right way to do things. It is this book The Social Skills Picture Book Teaching play, emotion, and communication to children with autism excellent resource. Daniel and Joshua are playing together and it is like nothing ever happened this morning. I am fine with that actually I am elated by that, but I am exhausted. I feel like I wrestled with a rhinoceros or something and I lost. It is already better so I am trying to get back on track by writing this out.

I did watch another TED video that I thought was worth sharing Sarah Kay: If I should have a daughter …

Even if you feel no interest in watching the whole thing I do recommend listening to her poems in the beginning and at the end. It is a good reminder that the bad days always get better. BUT I will say it is excellent to watch she is a poet and the way that she talks about it explains my brain with poems. Project V.O.I.C.E.looks awesome!

I have been allowing the poems that are flooding through me to come out.

It is part of accepting my means of processing. I think I may feel some poems coming regarding my emotions for today, and tomorrow the kids and I are going to write some poems. I am going to see if they will be able to write some of what they have been feeling the last few weeks. The more that I listened to Sarah Kay the more I say even if you do not feel like a poet it is definitely worth watching. It is helpful to be reminded that others relate even if you do not hear from them or know it, or have consuming feelings like you have nothing to contribute. You do have a story to share and it matters.

Whatever your form of communication is — your voice matters.

Title of gallery “New Spider & Random Toy Dumps”

[Show as slideshow]

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Once again I offer you some confessions. If you have been reading my blog for a while you may have picked up on the fact that relationships are a special interest of mine. This obsession has been with me since as far back as I can remember. I have observed people and how they interact with each other and I find it fascinating. I find it to be another source of frustration that I have been unable to understand them. Well…the problem is, I do understand them, but people do not want to admit what they actually are. There you have my fascination and my overactive observing skills. It makes it very difficult for me to discern if someone is truly operating in the relationship they claim to be or if it is some sort of ruse. I find family dynamics to be the most confusing of all.

I would claim it to only be mine.

However, I have discovered in my years upon this planet that indeed other families have these strange types of dynamics as well. I recently watched a clip and trailer from a film that reflects some of what I am referring to. Meet the Artists ’11: Sam Levinson (forewarning a bit of language) Yes, I am intrigued by him and find what he has to share quite interesting. Here is the trailer “Another Happy Day” I also read this on Indiewire. It does look like it would be hard movie that many people could relate to. I personally find comfort in such films because it reveals to me that my strong desires for my family to be honest with each other is not unfounded or uncommon. Family is a complicated affair and always has been.

I am amazed that family is a pool of different characters we are supposed to be learning communication from.

In my experience I have yet to see families communicate in a positive way. I have two people in my family that I can communicate with almost fully, my mom and my aunt. I still try to filter and explain myself in a way that does not hurt them. It is an impossible task I know this, but I also know that they love me no matter what so sooner or later they will let it go. I have been harping on relationships and ways for me to discern what people are good for me because I have to be somewhat solid in this before I go back around family. They have been the greatest source of confusion for me when it comes to this, which in turn has caused me confusion with relationships outside of family as well. I am using my ballet classes as a means to test out my gauge of people I can communicate with and those I cannot.

The social aspect of the classes has caused me a great deal of stress.

That would be another reason why I have been going through what types of people I want to be friends with. I have to do that because otherwise I will get hurt. I know I will. I will end up befriending people, getting involved in their lives, and later discover that I am completely confused by the relationship. I also have not had the best of luck with many women relationships so I need to have clarity before I even step into a room full of women. I have already decided that my goal is to get to the advanced level as quickly as possible. I have no desire to build up relationships in this group, if it happens fine or if not fine. My purpose is not going to be focused on people, in the past that is what I have done and I got sidetracked and derailed.

I know I may sound bad here, but I have to practice. 

I have to practice at not getting involved with people who I seem to gravitate toward. I especially tend to gravitate toward women who are in need of affirmation. Those that are very insecure and I desire so much to build them up. Maybe they gravitate toward me who knows all I know is that it is a familiar thing that is not healthy for me. I end up sacrificing everything in order to help them find themselves only to discover all they wanted was someone to tell them how great they are while not changing. They say they want to change, but they don’t. They show interest in developing their skills and talents — I jump right in spending my time seeking out the best ways for them to do so.  I have spent hours researching things for people only to have them not use it or not really pay attention to it. It’s my “help trump” thing in my brain, I lose all reason for myself.

It is also very important for me to get my strength in this area before being around my family again.

I will lose myself completely in my family’s issues if I do not get a grasp on this. It has been good for me to do a walk through and evaluate who is good for me and who isn’t. The truth is some people in families are toxic and can be destructive relationships. I always feel horrible making statements like that because there is a certain family obligation guilt that I have experienced in my own family and with other families that I have been tied to. I think I have managed to find some resolve after all of these years in my thinking about relationships. I will have to test myself, but I believe I have gotten a stronger sense of self and understanding of certain types of people so I will not fall into old unhealthy patterns.

Alright, I am finished with the relationship topic…until next week.

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One of my most frustrating anxieties is the phone. I get so consumed by anxiety with the thought of having to call places, or new people. I do this with family and friends as well. It seems so ridiculous, it’s a phone! Millions of people are walking around with a phone calling people all day long, making appointments, ordering food whatever people do with a phone. Yet, I have to work myself up to make a simple phone call. I have worked on this for a long time. I have had jobs where I had to answer the phone, or call people. Yesterday was the first time I connected that my physical and mental exhaustion was enhanced at those workplaces because I had to talk on the phone.

I had to make a couple of phone calls yesterday.

My ballet lessons are going to start next week, I had to call to finalize everything and get the schedule, attire, etc… I had been contacting them through a woman via email, but then she told me that I needed to call the teacher. It took me two days to work up the nerve. I wrote my questions and thoughts down in case I needed them. It turned out to be very positive (yea!) and I got along well with the teacher on the phone, and I am excited that it is a guy. Yea! Again, I think that will be a better fit for me. All went well, but after I hung up I immediately started dissecting everything I said. I started pouring over the conversation wondering if I sounded like a spaz. I wondered if I was coherent in my conversation or random and chaotic.

As I went over it I realized how nice he was.

I also understood that he was happy to have another person coming to his class. I normally never think of that, I always feel like a bother. (I try not to.) Still I was all sweaty, my heart was racing, I didn’t stop thinking about if for a while until I was able to convince myself that it was a positive experience just like I initially thought. It was about a 10 minute conversation that took me about two hours to get over. Geez! Once I got over that phone call I had to prepare myself for the next one. I was calling an adult & adolescent psychiatric office. “Adult & adolescent” psychiatric office who stated that they specialize in autism spectrum disorders. I wrote my list of questions, called, and got sent to voice mail. I despise leaving messages because I never know what to say unless I have it written down, and I get all freaked out and start talking rapidly and saying whatever flies into my head.

I did alright leaving a message.

Then I had the anticipation of waiting for them to call back. It is so debilitating to wait for a phone call. I try not to focus on it, but I am in constant anxiety waiting for it. It takes a lot of work to keep the script at the forefront of my mind. I do this with everyone and the phone. If they say they are going to call I-need-them-to-call when they say they will, when they give no clarity and it is open-ended I am unable to let it go. I try, I really do. In the past if they did not call I assumed they didn’t want to talk to me or make plans like they had suggested. I would then lead into a negative loop wondering why they would say that they would call when they never intended to. Why wouldn’t they just say they didn’t want to do something if they didn’t want to? Among a million other questions. I have learned that this is faulty thinking, but it still arises.

I digress!

I was waiting for the phone call unable to do anything else, but spin the questions and how I was going to answer the phone in my head. I was also feeling anxious because I did not know what they sounded like. There are some voices that I cannot handle and if they have that particular type of voice it will throw me. The phone finally rang. She had a nice voice. I grabbed my questions went into one of the rooms and shut the door. I told her my reasons for calling, to get an adult diagnosis for autism spectrum disorder. Keep in mind I have been searching for a place for months that deals with adults on the spectrum. Everywhere I called or emailed did not do anything for adults around here and they could not lead me to anyone. What is that?

When I found this place I was so hopeful.

Add to this my anxiety from calling and emailing other places with no help or directions and feeling really upset that no one is focusing on adults on the autism spectrum in my town or near my town. What was her reply to me when I said that? “That is unheard of for an adult to get a diagnosis for autism — children usually get diagnosed with it at ages between two and three. Adults would be diagnosed with Aspergers are you talking about that?” I was shaken and went off script. First her tone was hard for me to discern and I felt like she was talking to me like I was an idiot. I had already spilled out that I had a son on the spectrum so I would think that she understood I knew what I was asking for. What is she going to do if/when Asperger’s is eliminated from the DSM-V? What do adults on the spectrum miraculously disappear or now we are all Rain Man?

Forgive me it did throw me.

I lost my focus, I started rambling and saying whatever and I realized that I took over in an authoritative voice because I had lost trust in her ability to help me or understand autism. I have since recanted my initial thoughts upon contemplation. She knows nothing about me, what I have read, what I have done with Daniel, what I have written here on my blog, she has no clue that I am completely emerged in many aspects of autism, and that on a daily basis I am consuming large amounts of information about it from various means. How would she know that? I didn’t realize that until much later. All in all it turned out good. I am fairly certain that I convinced her I was at least Asperger’s in the short time we were on the phone because she changed her tune as well after I changed mine.

She took on a more therapist type of persona.

She became calm as she spoke to me, and finally said that she didn’t think that we would be a good fit since she works with children. Halt! I was sent to her because she was the one who was the “autism” doctor in the office, the name of the office clearly states “adults” in its title. I was confused. She explained to me that they do not handle adults with “Asperger’s” because remember only adults have Asperger’s. Fine. I shutdown. She did catch on that something was wrong, and she gave me names of two neuropsychologists in the area that may be able to help. She was pleasant at the end, I liked how she was able to manage me a bit to bring me back from my fuzzy mind, and she did direct me to people who may be able to help. At the end she wished me luck and I thanked her.

I put the phone down and started crying.

Only for a moment, but the whole thing was too much. Once again I was overwhelmed with calling a place that could not help me. I was overwhelmed with having to talk to a stranger on the phone. I was overwhelmed with the FACT that I cannot pick up a phone and be ok! It is a source of frustration for me. The good news I did not loop about either of the two conversations I had yesterday. I was able to collect my thoughts, reason through and see that everything was fine. However, my day was shot I was stimming all night on music and reading blogs. I was exhausted and mentally drained. I don’t know how I made it through some of my workplaces. Especially the insurance office and the temporary agency where my job required me to answer the phone. Now that I think of it for several reasons those places were not good for me to work at, but also at both places I got physically ill.

While at the insurance place I was diagnosed with depression. 

Then, put on anti-depressants. While at the agency I was sick for months. I was depressed then too, but could not admit it because people in my life told me that my faith should be healing me from those dark thoughts. Long story. Back to the phone. After I got off the phone with her, I looked up the doctors names she gave me. I scoped out their websites, and decided to send an email to one who said she did “autism spectrum disorder” evaluations. She did not make it clear that she did adults, though she mentions adults, but after my last phone call I had to know. I sent an email and indeed she does. Yes! She was helpful too in offering to answer any questions I have. I will call her tomorrow. I need a phone break. I was happy with her quick response to my email and directness to my questions. I am hopeful…again.

Now if I could only be ok with the phone! I need phone therapy me thinks.

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