Tag Archives: aspergers vs. narcissism

Ideal(ized) Love: Obsession-Like

In this post, I am going to try to dissect what may seem similarities with idealized love between Aspergers and narcissists. (Or narcissistic traits in individuals.) There are distinctions between abusers and narcissists as well. Not all abusers are narcissists. I would like to say here, using the word “narcissist” as flippantly as our society has, has made the actual definition and its destructive attributes become watered down. It has become a word thrown around much like, Autism, Aspergers, Bipolar, OCD, ADHD, ADD, Dyslexia, etc …  These “labels” have been contorted and misused so much that it is difficult for those who are not directly impacted or who have just realized them (been diagnosed themselves or someone in their life) to comprehend what each one actually means.

I believe there is a huge difference when it comes to comparing any of these with narcissism. 

Many times people believe that someone not “knowing” or “responding” to them in the way they expected is determined as being selfish. In fact, I would say it has more to do with the person’s expectations. However, if you live with, work for, or have encountered a narcissist (or the overwhelming traits of an individual) you can decipher the differences. It normally becomes very clear after you start questioning many things about yourself. Here is an excerpt to a link that I will share that gives more information.

“Look at yourself and ask yourself how you feel and whether you are the person you once were and knew. If you live with a narcissist, you will develop a cluster of negative feelings centered around the emotion of fear and an image of inadequacy. This self image of being inadequate then will be due to a change in self perception. This is, it is a cognitive concept that you are not familiar with and which is in contrast to how you used to see yourself. Clearly, such a negative self image will have serious effects on the way you feel and behave. The dominant feeling is, as alluded to, fear. Fear of doing things wrong and fear of being punished. And thus, the way you behave too will become modified whereby you will watch your every move and where your actions become unnatural to yourself.”

If you feel any of this I suggest doing these exercises to help get out of the fog. What To Do About Fear, Obligation and Guilt

I have noticed that in the relationships between NT (Non-Autistic? Alltistics? I cannot keep up with the community’s lingo. Please do not be offended.) women and Aspergers men they seem to voice more issues with feeling that their partner shows narcissistic traits. I have not seen many things written by men about their Autistic female partner.

I did find this I Married an Aspie – A husband’s perspective on Asperger’s Syndrome.

I also found this article by a wife regarding her Aspergers husband Reclaiming Wife: My Husband Has Asperger’s Syndrome. I think that out of both of these the main point is to evaluate your expectations. However, I really do not see how that is any different for all relationships. I thought these were excellent as well Asperger’s and Marriage, written from the perspective and experience of an Aspergers woman. In this forum Mistaking Aspergers for narcissism, there are some great points distinguishing the way Aspergers and narcissists differ for their purpose of their needs.

In my mind, this all connects with the illusion of “ideal” love.

Speaking for myself, I have had a yearning my entire life for “The One.” However, my perception of this person was not that they would be perfect and fulfill all of my needs. I did not believe that they would be my sole source to sustain me and keep refilling me for the rest of my life. No, my ideal person is more accurately defined as “finally, having a healthy relationship.”

Unfortunately, I did not comprehend this until recently.

In my opinion, this could be the same thing that other Aspergers people could be searching for as well when they speak of finding the “one” person. We are seeking someone who accepts us, understands us, or is at least willing to understand us, who does not put unattainable expectations on us, who are willing to work with us to better the relationship, to be open with us, a person who does not play games, and a person who respects us. I could go on, but I think I made my point. Ultimately, the real issue is that we are seeking a better connection with ourselves. Relationships of any type help mold us into who we are and want to become.

Those of us who put such a high interest (at times obsession) on this person could have been deeply wounded in many of our relationships.

In order, to find and keep hope we may come up with a picturesque type of relationship. This could manifest in any sort of relationship. It could be our parents, our spouse, our best friend, a co-worker, a spiritual leader, it could be anyone, even our animals could  be the relationship that we have morphed into the ideal relationship. However, Aspergers/Autistics are not the only ones who do this. Human beings do this universally in general. However, there can be entirely different motives, expectations, and reasons that others would never be able to guess from the mind of an Autistic person.

It could be something as simple as a number or as complex as the relationship between their parents. 

I have been obsessed with people before. I knew when I was becoming obsessed with a person. I had clear physical affects that caused me to know. I would allow myself to obsess about them for a period of time, but eventually I would snap out of it and see them for the person that they were. Sometimes, my obsessions were on fixed things about them. It could have been the color of their eyes, their hair, and/or the way they talked, if we had similar interests, things like that. Another issue would be how they treated me. In my post Understanding (My) Perseverating Thoughts I mentioned how I had reoccurring thoughts about an ex-boyfriend even after 20 years. The reason was what he had done to me and how badly he treated me not that I had feelings for him.

I could not come up with a rational reason for the mistreatment.

It caused me pain; confusion, trauma, and my mind could not let it go because there was no understandable closure. I hope that makes sense. The thoughts became obsessive at times when I felt similar treatment by others. As a matter-of-fact, about three weeks ago, I had these intrusive thoughts consume my brain and I went in search of him.

As I read information about him, it awoke thoughts of healing.

I was able to realize that he is still in the same place as he was 20 years ago. His life has not changed much while I have had extreme changes in my life – not that I am better, no that is not what I mean. It validated that we were not a good fit and he did not know how to have a relationship with me nor I with him. Not a good match. End of story, no need for me to continually wonder if I could have been better or if I deserved to be lied to and treated that way.

No one ever deserves to be lied to and made to feel foolish.

When I have found myself in this state of “obsessing” I did not scope them out, study them, absorb all of the information I could in order to manipulate them. I soaked up things; I watched them, talked to them, and listened to them in order to know them better. I wanted to know them not own them. I believe that is the case with many Aspergers. When we meet someone that we feel connected to it is a rarity and it is an amazing experience. We can have a hard time making and/or keeping friends. When we do, we do not want to let it go. If we meet someone that we have romantic feelings for that can be even more intense. In some cases, confusing. I had been confused for years about my own experience of finally, feeling the emotions that others expressed when they talked about someone they were attracted to or loved.

I had similar attraction feelings for people, but only in parts.

I tend to be attracted to parts of people. It may sound strange, but I will be attracted to their eyes, or personality to put it simply, I mean what I say; I am attracted to parts of them. In this case, I found myself attracted and liking the whole person. After dissecting the relationship for years now, I believe there was a certain “chemistry” that I had not experienced before, but I also believe there was respect for me as a person. It was something new. The person did not violate me. Though I had an instant attraction and affinity for them, our relationship was based on friendship. I genuinely liked the person and enjoyed the time I spent with them. They sparked things in me that others had not physically, emotionally, and even spiritually.

I was not obsessed with them; I did become obsessed with wanting to know the reason why they rejected me.

Rejected sounds harsh, but it is what it felt like. They did cut me off and even behaved rather poorly around me when hanging out with others. I justified it by saying that we were never actually in a relationship. There was no commitment so he had every right to behave the way he did. Nope. He was a jerk sometimes, but I did get an apology after I explained some of what I felt during that time so that was healing. See I did not become obsessed with him exactly; I became obsessed with the “why’s.”  I did not want him to fulfill my every desire, nor did I expect that in the relationship. What I did expect was clarity, honesty, and to be treated with respect.

I did not realize that at the time either.

Those were the feelings lingering all of these years. I wanted to know why a person who cared about me and seemed so different would treat me that way. I wanted to know why this person would treat other women in my presence with more respect than me. What was so terribly wrong with me that I deserved to be discarded in such a way? I felt those things. I am not saying that they are completely accurate, but my feelings were real and pain was devastating. Through processing that relationship, I see now how many of my “obsessive” relationships had to do with similar things.


Why am I so unworthy to be treated with respect? The answer is clear now; I did not respect myself in relationships. I respected myself in many other areas of my life. However, when it came to relationships I had my boundaries violated so much. It started from childhood it has made it difficult for others and me to understand personal boundaries. It has been in the last year that I have started to truly comprehend this. Much of the relationship issues, come from my lack of knowing how to make friends. I had imaginary friends, my friends were my stuffed animals, my books, my music, and my special interests because they did not confuse or hurt me. I did not look to people to fulfill this need, but when someone would come along I never wanted to let them go.

This could be perceived as a narcissistic type of behavior.

It seemed to look like a feeling of ownership of the person. My one best friend would comment about how I behaved like a “jealous boyfriend.”  It was not exactly jealousy it was confusion. I could not understand why they would want someone else when they had me. Why mess up a good thing with more people and cause confusion? I would only do this with people that I felt I shared a close connection with. Other people I did not care if they came or went.  It would be nice to see them, but I was fine not seeing them too. When my friend would make those comments that confused me very much. I would mentally beat myself up for being such a jealous person. What was wrong with me?

Why couldn’t I just have friends and not be a jealous freak? 

That was wrong thinking; if the person had explained it to me, I would have understood. I would feel the tinge of fear though because the more people you bring in the harder it is for me to know how you feel about me. Unless the person is reassuring, affirms, or they have been consistent with me being respectful with their actions (treatment) and words. Then, I am fine. It is about trust. A narcissist does not trust anyone, nor do they want to. (Cannot) From what I have read their obsessions toward people is based out of fear of losing their narcissistic supply. There is no mutual relationship, the narcissist is constantly up or down and you never know what the day will bring and the other person is drained, fatigued, depressed, angry but may not know why, full of fear, self-loathing, but not sure why, confused, and feel as though their world is unstable and shaky.

I cannot remember if I shared this or not, but here is a page that links to many articles about dealing with a NPD person. Stop Walking on Eggshells

I have read several things that indicate women who marry an Aspergers male may feel these typed of things. I know that it can be very difficult to live/love someone who you feel does not notice you, understand you, puts their interests, or possibly themselves before you. I cannot write about other relationships or give any pointers because I am no expert. I am only working on trying to help myself and that requires me to do a lot of research, reading, and processing.

I can make suggestions though.

I would suggest letting go of expectations, seeking their way of communication, and educating yourself about Aspergers from men and women like myself, who share. It may give you more insight that does not mean that what you are feeling is invalidated. It could help you to see with new eyes if you try to understand from their perspective. It could also, open their eyes to how you are truly feeling. Any person who loves you and respects you will be willing to listen and make it possible to work together.

In many cases, when people feel like someone else is trying to understand them they are more willing to work on change. 

It may help to learn what narcissism truly is it is beneficial to learn the differences between it and Aspergers. I have written several posts in regards to that. I will link below. It helps a great deal to not take things personally, and to understand that many things that seem to be done on purpose, are not. Once you accept that premise, you begin to filter without an offense.

It can be years and years of feeling as though someone is purposely treating you in a particular way that can cloud your perception.

We can do this with any relationship. However, if a person is unwilling to accept responsibility for their actions/attitudes, are unwilling to compromise, or validate your feelings, or to be frank, your personalities just produce more negative than positive, it may be best to move on. That last statement too many do not consider, but the reality is that some people just do not work well together and if it is a long-term relationship where both parties are miserable, why keep it going?

Ok, I have lost track of my thoughts I will leave with some more resources. A Ton! 

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Aspergers – Narcissism: NOT The Same III

Continued from Aspergers – Narcissism: NOT The Same II

I need to feel safe, stable, and constant. Every time I have worked hard at providing an environment like that my kids thrive and Daniel shows great progress. SO do I. :-) I read this and found it very thought provoking The narcissist inhabits an eternal present.

Various excerpts:

I. Instability and Lability

The life of the narcissist is inherently unstable. This makes it difficult to perceive time as a linear flow of causes and their effects. The narcissist’s time is cyclical, arbitrary, and magical.

A narcissist is a person who derives his Ego (and ego functions) from the reactions of his human environment to a projected, invented image called the False Self. Since no absolute control over such feedback of Narcissistic Supply is possible – it is bound to be volatile – the narcissist’s view of himself and of his surroundings is correspondingly and equally volatile. As “public opinion” fluctuates, so do his self-confidence, self-esteem, generally, so does his self. Even his convictions are subject to a never-ending voting process by others.

a. Compensatory Stability (“Classic”) Narcissists

These narcissists isolate one or more (but never most) aspects of their lives and “make these aspect/s stable”. They do not really invest themselves in it. The stability is maintained by artificial means: money, celebrity, power, fear. A typical example is a narcissist who changes numerous workplaces, a few careers, a myriad of hobbies, value systems or faiths. At the same time, he maintains (preserves) a relationship with a single woman (and even remains faithful to her). She is his “island of stability”. To fulfil this role, she just needs to be there physically.

b. Enhancing Instability (“Borderline”) Narcissist

The other kind of narcissist enhances instability in one aspect or dimension of his life – by introducing instability in others. Thus, if such a narcissist resigns (or, more likely, is made redundant) – he also relocates to another city or country. If he divorces, he is also likely to resign his job. This added instability gives these narcissists the feeling that all the dimensions of their life are changing simultaneously, that they are being “unshackled”, that a transformation is in progress. This, of course, is an illusion. Those who know the narcissist, no longer trust his frequent “conversions”, “decisions”, “crises”, “transformations”, “developments” and “periods”. They see through his pretensions and declarations into the core of his instability. They know that he is not to be relied upon. They know that with narcissists, temporariness is the only permanence.

II. Recurrent Losses

Narcissists are accustomed to loss. Their obnoxious personality and intolerable behaviours makes them lose friends and spouses, mates and colleagues, jobs and family. Their peripatetic nature, their constant mobility and instability causes them to lose everything else: their place of residence, their property, their businesses, their country, and their language.

There is a lot of information for each section on the website.

Yes, Aspie’s may seem to have paralleling behaviors from a person who has not spent time trying to get to know an Aspie, or from merely misinterpreting the behaviors of an Aspie. If one believes that these are behaviors of an Aspie, keep in mind any perceived behaviors like this is for very different reasons. We can be accustomed to loss because of our awkward, odd, quirky, misunderstood ways not because we are obnoxious or being intolerable. (On purpose to protect ourselves that is, again I cannot speak for all, but if an Aspie is being like this I would investigate and try to find the “right” questions to ask.)  We could be perceived in those ways, but many times, it has to do with not understanding social cues, body language, tone, the interpretations of words, etc … Much of the time we do not know how to protect ourselves. We can be very trusting, depending on the life of an Aspie, this trust could have been violated so many times that we stay to ourselves.

Instability with jobs can be for various reasons. 

I did not have difficulty keeping or maintaining jobs. I had circumstances affect my situations that caused me to leave or be laid off from my workplaces, prior to that I had been very stable in my work career. I would have stayed at several of my workplaces had the company not laid off people. One business I discovered was doing shady practices and I could not live with myself working there, another place was not a good environment for me and they abused my dedications, (They paid me salary for forty hours a week, but had me work fifty. They did not give me the promised raises, but continued to raise expectations and my responsibilities.) it was things like that.

I have packed up and moved to places, several times, but a few of those I did not want to.

It was not really my choice, or I felt pressured to do so. I had planned to stay in the state I was in that I moved to in 1999; I ended up moving a few years later though I really did not want to. Long story I have already written about it on here, somewhere. Here is a helpful link. How does Aspergers affect Employment Prospects? I am sure if other Aspie’s shared, they would be able to give much clarity on the topic. Feel free anyone who feels like it to comment and give insight. :-) I could  go on, but I think I have given amble information. This post was prompted by several circumstances that I am not going into. I will say that it has given me much clarity about myself along with helping me gain more identity. I know that I am NOT a narcissist.

Can I be a little narcissistic sometimes, yes, a little bit is good – it’s called self-love. (Healthy Narcissism)

I also plan to write about what seems to look as parallels with Aspergers traits and narcissistic traits regarding “ideal love” and being consumed with special interests. I am going to devote a whole post to those because I have seen several negatitve links pop up that made accusations about Aspergers being “creepy” “obsessive” “self-absorbed” and “stalkers.”

There are certain behaviors that are clearly wrong and violate the boundaries of others.

There are also clear behaviors that are flat out neglect and blatantly disrespectful. I am not referring to dysfunctional or damaging behaviors, I am referring to the difference of what ideal love means to an Aspie from my perspective (taking into account what I have read by others Aspie’s as well) and what it means to a narcissist. I also hope to clear up any misconceptions about our love for our special interests. I do hope to distinguish between what are damaging behaviors and what are not. That post may take me a bit longer. :-)

I will share some more links below. (I know, Shocker! hee hee) 

Can you tell I have been in research mode? :-) I found this How to Spot a Narcissist and tried to find another one titled “How to Spot an Aspie,” no such luck. I found it amusing for some reason. How to spot an Aspie. Lol! Instead, I will share this video.

Aspie’s tend to fall into more introverted characteristics, that does not mean antisocial or not wanting to have friends. Our behaviors have been misread often and it pained me to see some links out there claiming that we are narcissistic or selfish. I have been called selfish and eluded to being narcissistic. That is one of the reasons why I questioned myself. Was it possible that I was a narcissist? Am I am selfish person? Nope, I am not. I am an Aspie, who has been socially confused, naive, trying to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, and longing to have companionship at whatever the cost. However, I was not aware of that. I was not aware of how lonely I have felt. My subconscious and conscious had not caught up with each other to comprehend that fully anyway.

I also had not realized that I have been stuck in cycles that I allowed to consume me.

I have become a person that people who knew me before did not recognize. I am not staying that person. I am not allowing the negativity of others, or false perceptions dictate who I am either. That is for my “real” life and for my virtual life. The internet is a tool and resource that can be used for good, bad, and even nuetrality. It is full of opinions, perceptions, and information. I plan to saturate the web, alongside my fellow autistic peers with the truth about Aspergers and autism.

My voice is through my writing, this blog, and my other ones are my voice.

I hope that these posts will help bring light to anyone who is not familiar or wants to understand the difference between Aspergers and narcissism. Before passing judgment look a little deeper and show some compassion. Aspergers is not linked to violence, we are loving, caring, sensitive, and giving people – we are far from the characteristics of a narcissist.

Here is a great page full of links “Feeling Too Much How emotion shapes extraordinary sensitivity.” (by Michael Jawer) 

All Introversion is Not the Same

The Power of Introverts – Ep 1 (This is a video series about introverts based on the book “Quiet” by Susan Cain.)

Last bit of my narcissism “fixation.” :-) 

Two Types of Narcissists Pose Somewhat Different Challenges

How Does the Narcissist Control his Prey?

Narcissistic Victim Syndrome

I would like to add here some links about domestic abuse. For someone like myself, I have not been able to discern what is abuse and what is not clearly. (Until now.) I realize that I have allowed the confusion of minimizing and blame, “taught” to me by my abusers to make me feel as though it was all right to be treated in certain ways, or to feel as though actions were not as bad as they seemed. I feel whole-heartedly that I cannot be the only one, Aspergers, or otherwise who has this issue. The abusers ARE responsible for their actions AND are in control of their behaviors. It is not right, or ok, EVER!

What is Domestic Violence?

Learn the Warning Signs

“Disagreements develop from time to time in relationships. Domestic violence is not a disagreement. It is a whole pattern of behaviors used by one partner to establish and maintain power and control over the other. These behaviors can become more frequent and intense over time.

The abusive person is responsible for these behaviors. That person is the only one who can change them. Don’t wait until you and the ones you love get hurt. You Are Not Alone. Consider getting some help. Talk with friends about your situation.”

I found this link helpful too Learn the difference between anger, aggression, and violence.

Another issue is passive-aggressive behavior. I have linked to a page that gives clear examples of what passive-aggressive behavior is. The behaviors have always made me confused and I did not even understand what passive-aggressive behavior was until last year, I think. I know that sounds silly, but I really did not. It has taken this long to comprehend it. It makes no sense to me why people do this, just SAY what your problem is and let’s fix it! Or tell me that you do not know and need to process, I understand that completely. :-)

I noticed that some of these behaviors could be misread by others in a person who is autistic.

In my case, people could say that I have some of the “self-defeating” characteristics. This is not the case, despite all of my self-defeatest spirals I still succeed at what I set out to do. On a daily basis I achieve my goals, I may have set-backs, but even in my worst of negative talk, I still create, teach, research, write, and take care of my kids and household along with other things.

I am quite productive.

AND I do not blame others for anything that I do not accomplish or my circumstances. I did go down the short list they gave, and in ALL cases those things that I may be prone to do have to do with sensory overload, social confusion, anxiety, lack of breaks, not eating right, and/or lack of sleep.”Passive-aggressive behavior refers mainly to a persistent pattern of failing to perform role expectations or achieve “normal” success despite ostensible effort and good will, and despite the aid and coaching of other concerned people.” (from link above.)

If you are dealing with a passive-aggressive person here is a link with some helps DEFUSING/COPING AND SELF-PROTECTION.


Ok, I believe I have made this long enough.

I do hope that others will benefit from these posts. However, if anything I have gained a new perspective about things and I am one step closer to healing. I also feel that if anyone goes searching for Aspergers and narcissism that they may get a better idea of the differences. If you made it this far, thank you! AND Happy Tuesday! :-)

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Aspergers – Narcissism: NOT The Same I

While all of us do have some narcissism, there is a difference between healthy narcissism and damaging narcissistic behaviors (NPD.) At one point in my life, I wondered if I were a narcissist because I could not understand why I was so different and seemed antisocial. I am far from antisocial, I fall under more introvert – I do not fall under antisocial behaviors. However, I discovered from my recent research frenzy that if you are a narcissist you are most likely well aware that you are one. Part of the fun in the narcissistic game is convincing everyone else that you are not one; the biggest feat would be to convince others that they, indeed, are the actual narcissist themselves.

Aspie’s are nothing like that that. (Well I cannot speak for ALL, but you get my meaning.) 

I am not the only who has thought about this either, I found these two forums with some good conversations Aspies and narcissism and Are Aspies prone to narcissism? I do admit that we as humans all have ways of manipulation, but there is a difference between being malicious draining the life (very hope) out people to get your way, and trying to ensure your well being is taken care of. Before I go any further, I want to share a video that I found. I think it gives some good information and clear distinctions.

I though the video gave a very clear descriptions, however, every person is an individual so some Aspie’s may not agree with his take. 

However, I agree that the take home here is that Aspies want to have relationships and share their emotions while narcissists can, but will use all sorts of things to fill their narcissistic supply (Excellent video!) instead, of having deep meaningful relationships. The narcissist does not care if they receive negative or positive attention.

They will take whatever; they will even soak up flattery and false compliments.

Thinking of myself and from remembering many of the adult Aspie blogs and websites we tend find false compliments and too much attention to feel awkward and wrong. If we receive too much attention, it makes for even more social awkwardness and can manifest social confusion, causing us to shutdown or respond in odd ways. Such as saying, “Why are you saying that?” “Haven’t we seen each other enough lately?” “Why are you giving me a compliment for taking care of my kids? I am a parent that is what a parent does.” Those types of things could come out of an Aspie if there is too much attention or flattery.

I will share the characteristics of a narcissistic.  

Symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder

In order for a person to be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) they must meet five or more of the following symptoms:

  • Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
  • Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
  • Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
  • Requires excessive admiration
  • Has a very strong sense of entitlement, e.g., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
  • Is exploitative of others, e.g., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
  • Lacks empathy, e.g., is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
  • Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her
  • Regularly shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

Here is a simplified version:

Recognizing the Narcissist

“They seem well-assembled and self-assured, sometimes with a saccharine wit,” says Behary, cautioning that they can also “quickly pull the rug out from under you, reducing you to boredom, tears, apprehension, or disgust without a flinch.” Typically, narcissists display ten of the following thirteen traits:

1. Self-absorbed 
      Acts like everything is all about him or her
2. Entitled 
   Makes the rules; breaks the rules
3. Demeaning 
    Puts you down, bullyish
4. Demanding
      of whatever he or she wants
5. Distrustful 
   Suspicious of your motives when you’re being
nice to him or her
6. Perfectionistic
   Rigidly high standards – his or her way or no way
7. Snobbish
    Believes he or she is superior to you and others;
gets bored easily
8. Approval seeking 
   Craves constant praise and recognition
9. Unempathic
   Uninterested in understanding your inner experience,
or unable to do so
10. Unremorseful 
  Cannot offer a genuine apology
11. Compulsive
Gets overly consumed with details and minutiae
12. Addictive
Cannot let go of bad habits; uses them to self soothe
13. Emotionally detached 
Steers clear of feeling

These are not traits of an Aspie have a gander here List of Asperger Traits

I read this post Just Listen – Don’t Confuse a Narcissist with Asperger’s Syndrome, in some ways it did not feel very positive, but I believe the intent was to be positive. It could be how I interpreted the words. I found what I made bold to be kind of helpful …

“However if you live with someone with Asperger like features it’s a little more complicated. For instance even though you may feel how they treat you is meant personally, if what they do is not meant personally, it’s not right for you to take it personally. That means it is neither fair nor reasonable to treat someone who is just not sensitive (i.e. they are not doing it intentionally) as if they were someone who is insensitive (i.e. they are intentionally not sensitive). Instead of reacting and talking at them, be calm and talk to or with them and focus on their specific observable behavior(s) and the effect it has on you and what it causes you to do in response, which you don’t want to do. Furthermore, give them a specific alternative observable behavior to do instead, because in these areas that they are weak, they may not be teachable, but they are often trainable if you speak to them in a respectful way.”

Something else that I found interesting is that narcissists cannot nor will they receive criticism.

Aspie’s may not handle criticism well, but many times, we are open to listening if we do not get confused by how things are phrased. Many Aspie’s have been bullied or abused in some way, if anything; social-awkwardness and social confusion can filter the way we perceive things. If we are literal about words the way that we are criticized could feel as if our very souls are being ripped apart. If the criticism is laced with “fake” compliments that will confuse us or make us upset. If it is nothing, but negative and our talents are not acknowledged we could be hypersensitive.

Aspie’s can be extremely self-critical, but not voice it. 

People may think that because we do not voice, or may be unable to express what we are feeling that we have a certain air about us. It can be misinterpreted as being confident, stuck-up, or arrogant. Many times that is not the case at all and if it is brought to our attention, we are the first to apologize and try to explain ourselves.

If people are willing to listen and are willing to let go of their own injured filters. 

Narcissists will be openly self-critical if it will gain them attention, but they have a battle on the inside. Half of them is critical the other half is their fantasy self that cannot believe they have any flaw so they will somehow turn the criticism into someone else’s fault. Most likely the person that is trying to build into them or they will find some other “enemy” to insure the person that is filling their emotional supply sees them as the victim. The Narcissist’s Dilemma: They Can Dish It Out, But . . .

Aspie’s are normally victims, Asperger syndrome and bullying.

To Be Continued Aspergers – Narcissism: NOT The Same II …

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