But this isn’t like me, I am feeling cowardly, like a weak and insecure person.

People who know me, know that I may be a lot of things but those three things are not me. So what is this? Why have I been hit with such a large dose of anxiety and why am I unable to snap out of it or reason myself through it much sooner? Diversity. Yes, the answer is diversity, well lack of in this area that we are living in. In the last 10 years I have made major changes in my life from moving to various cities, being in relationships, getting divorced, coming to a new faith, changing jobs, getting married, having children and seeking to find myself to name a few. I have had a lot of change and I have been able to handle it, at times I actually did much better. The constant change made things easier for me because I was always doing something, working on something, seeking out new ideas and new knowledge.

The places I had the least amount of anxiety were in the areas, the places where I was surrounded by many different people.

The best church experience I had was in a college town – very intellectual, new people, old people coming back constant change but the change brought about new ideas, new stories, new visions, new information that constantly intrigued me and challenged me to learn. The last 7 years I have lived in two places and though they are across the country from each other they are exactly the same. The people do not change, there is no challenge here. When I compare these two places to the two places that I lived where I thrived, I see with clarity the difference. The two places that I was not attacked with anxiety as much or able to control it better were places that had many different people, different cultures and beliefs. They lived in the US but were from different countries. I was around people who loved to learn, loved the arts, and they talked to learn about each other.

They really talked about interesting things and were very accepting of everyone.

There was another place that I lived that was much like where we are now and that is when I slipped into a deep depression and I was put on Zoloft. I was also diagnosed with endometriosis which caused severe pain and took over a year for someone to believe me. I went through two emergency room visits and three doctors. Finally the last doctor told me about endometriosis and sent me to a specialist with in two days I had laparoscopic surgery and on my way to recovery. I haven’t had any problems at all after I had children. Very thankful for that because when you are in physical pain as well as having anxiety on top of it, there are really no words to describe it other than life halting.

As I have been working through all of this, I see a pattern.

I recognize that what I feel when I go to church here is the lack of diversity and that makes my differences stand out much more. Now that I have a family with different issues I am in a constant state of seeing how different we really are from others. When I am surrounded by people who embrace diversity of thought, beliefs and ideas, I find them to be more accepting of my quirks and unique thoughts on life. Being surrounded by people who are set in their way of life, who understand their own language, everyone seems to know how everything should be around here  and if you want to be accepted you have to learn their ways. They are different in looks, income, social status but they have the same thoughts, same ideas, same goals and they see no reason to think that they should be challenged or questioned in any way.

I have anxiety because I cannot question.

I have anxiety because I am not allowed to be me without serious silent social discipline. The discipline are remarks, eye rolls, the blatant me being invisible and completely unseen by certain people. And I am not being paranoid, this time. How do I survive in a place that just wants everyone to be the same? And how do they know what they are supposed to be doing? Other people have moved here from different places and they still know the rules. I have looked and looked for the last three years in this area for groups, even outside of  church, I have looked for people who may have a bit of diversity and I have yet to find them. I will still keep looking because there has to be some out there. There cannot be an entire city of people who are unwilling to embrace differences, right? Anyway, as I think of this it has actually brought a lot of peace to me.

I understand the root of this particular anxiety bout and I will make changes in my life to try to help me and my family.

I have had meltdowns this week just as much as the kids.

A schedule is very hard for me to create on my own but I know that I desperately need one for my sake and the kids sake. It just causes me so much stress and anxiety to think of a schedule but when I do make one then I get all anxious if I don’t follow it or if the kids cause me not to follow it. It totally ruins my day, my mood and my train of thought. I have to fight to get back into it. I will just keep pressing on because I know it is the best for everyone.

I will focus on the positive. (try)

This week I have found out how much my kids do already know it has been great. Ariel and Joshua are really into it until about the afternoon then they are ready to stop. Daniel traced shapes, letters, and colored inside the lines for me in a picture. HUGE!! I haven’t been able to get him to touch any kid of writing instrument for months and here in this week he has made amazing progress. All of them have done amazing with their writing skills and reading comprehension.

I am looking forward to this year.

We like to have a lot of variety in our curriculum so we chose SonLight which incorporates a large diversity of reading material. They are also a great guide, not to be used as the only thing for your homeschooling. They encourage parents to be involved and be creative. I really like the fact that their goal is to help equip the children to be learners not indoctrinate them  with theology. I want my children to learn to think for themselves and love diversity.

I love the article they wrote entitled “27 Reasons Not To Buy from Sonlight” http://www.sonlight.com/not-to-buy.html

We are using many other supplements along with Sonlight curriculum for math, art, and music. There are many free things out there and many things not so free. We haven’t coined one particular thing. We are trying different things to see what kind of learner each of our children are.

Here are some books that have been great helps.

http://www.amazon.com/Homeschooling-Child-Asperger-Syndrome-Pyles/dp/1843107619

http://www.amazon.com/Autism-Life-Skills-Communication-AbilitiesEvery/dp/B001UE7DF0/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1252087419&sr=1-1

http://www.amazon.com/Literacy-Centers-Photographs-Step-Step/dp/0545007984/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1252087475&sr=1-1

http://www.amazon.com/Organized-Teacher-Hands-Terrific-Classroom/dp/0071457070/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1252087519&sr=1-3

http://www.amazon.com/Teaching-Effective-Classroom-Routines-Deborah/dp/0439513804/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1252087519&sr=1-1

http://www.amazon.com/Other-Doing-While-Teach-Groups/dp/1574712934/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1252087676&sr=1-1

http://www.kumonbooks.com/home/index.aspx

Here is a link about the Kumon method. http://www.kumon.com/about/default.asp?language=USA

We do not go to a center but we do use the workbooks and think they are great.

We use Learning Games manuals The ABECEDARIAN Curriculum. They do better at explaining then myself, here is their link. http://www.mindnurture.com/

There are excellent workbooks that I find at Target all the time for a $1.00 or $2.00. The kids love to work on them in their free time they call it coloring. They do color too.

Well that is a pretty hardy list but mix and matching helps me and them not get bored.