Alright I am getting tired of talking about these ballet classes now, but it seems that for some reason I am supposed to be learning something…I guess? Yesterday morning I received a phone call from the man whose truck I hit giving me the estimate of the damages. Not too bad, but still more than I was hoping. All is good. However, I was anxious. I was upset to find out that he doesn’t normally go on Thursday nights, but on Wednesdays. He had a meeting last week and that made him switch nights. Why did I go? I didn’t want to talk to him at all — I didn’t want to talk to anyone yesterday. I was trying to overcome my anxiety about attempting to go to the class again. I was also a little anxious because I have been having an ongoing conversation via email with a neuropsychologist about setting up an evaluation for me. The anxiety stems from the cost, and my own issues about being a bother to people.

I will say so far she has been incredibly kind.

She has taken the time to answer my questions, and work with me via email after I explained to her my phone anxiety. Big points for her! I had several social encounters, and a weirdo running around the streets asking the neighborhood to vote for him for president. I don’t know why this stuff makes me anxious it just does. I had tried to talk myself out of going to class last night, but then I decided I had to go. I wanted to go, I really wanted to dance. I got there with no parking issues, went up to the door and a sign read “Adult Ballet Classes Cancelled for the month of February”. Whaaat? I went inside and the receptionist was nowhere to be found. I decided to leave and go to the store. I had already planned on going to the store after class.

As I left I was laughing.

I thought it was the funniest thing. It had to be sudden because the receptionist did not seem to have knowledge of this last week when I was there. I felt kind of bummed, but then I figured it must be for a reason. My mom actually started up another Bible study on Thursday nights, and my one friend that I have here is going to it. I haven’t seen her since May or June I think. I decided that I will do that and this will give me a month to practice/refresh myself on ballet terms and moves. Ironically, (I am not kidding this is truly funny.) I didn’t feel like putting in a CD so I scanned through the radio channels because my normal channel was playing commercials. As it was “seeking” it landed on the beginning of this song Alanis Morissette – Hand In My Pocket The song basically talks about how things are going to be fine.

So yeah, I sang it really loud because I haven’t heard it in a long time and I needed it. 

I was driving over the bridge and looked in my rear-view mirror to see a humungous sunset. It was awesome! I decided I was going to dance anyway. I went to the stores, putting my ear bud headphones on, and I danced down the aisles at both stores I had to go to. I did drop my bananas as I was skipping down the baking aisle. Lol! I dropped my bananas! When I got home I was not finished dancing, I still had some moves in me. I parked the car in the driveway. I grabbed my little shuffle, bounced over to the large lot of grass that used to be the “park” across the street, and I danced under the light of the moon. I leaped, twirled, sang, tippy-toed, spun and plain danced like a fool for the stars like I used to.

It woke up my spirit.

It felt right. There is no other way to explain it. I danced off all of the strange looks I got at the stores. I smiled and giggled. I played connect the dots with the stars — I witnessed a slight ring around the moon. Recalling some moments of the evening. As I walked into one store, smiling and bouncing to the music — two ladies looked at me and smiled, but they still gave me an odd look. I didn’t care. In the store I got similar looks, now I was not being obnoxious I was flowing to the music and dancing with my cart. I was not doing it in the middle of the big aisles, only the ones that I went down. There were no people down them, but when people walked by me they noticed. I didn’t pay any attention and kept being happy.

I was flowing, slightly bouncy as I walked out into the parking lot to my car.

A woman who seemed to be about my age gave me a horrible look. I smiled at her, and kept on. At that moment I looked up at the moon and I said to myself: “Life is too short not to dance.” So I went on and had a grand night with the moon and the stars leaping about. Frankly, I am so tired of people trying to stifle others. I don’t care how old I am I will be dancing, and being silly as much as possible. There are too many bad things in this world. They can be consuming, and steal our happy days. I HAVE to have happy days because sometimes my bad days feel so overwhelming and unending. Those things that can break our hearts, they can consume us, if we don’t find our comic relief or things that bring us joy we will be swallowed up by them.

I was dealing anger about several situations that had transpired the month of January yesterday.

After I wrote out my post, I was finished. I no longer felt the need to lash out instead I was able to find other ways to make a difference. I feel that some of them may seem inadequate, but at least it is something. This time I am not brewing in my loops wanting to get all crazy angry in people’s faces. (I don’t really do that…usually.) I can get swallowed up in what I see as unjust and wrong, but when I get swallowed up I cannot function or think properly. My head has gained clarity, and last night helped me a great deal. The cold last night didn’t affect me…maybe it was my tights and leotard that kept me so warm. Wait! I did not only wear tights and a leotard in the store, I had a pullover dress on so I was not getting looks because of my attire. Just clarifin’. I am done with this post I am feeling too silly at the moment and may say some off the wall things. I must share this though.

My 90-year-old Grandma Dances to LMFAO – Party Rock Anthem

I am SO going to be doing this when I am 90! (Or older even since I will be a cyborg and all.)

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The title is from an Animaniacs cartoon I watched years ago, I actually watched it again this morning with the kids. The title of this particular toon is “Wally Llama”. Here is an episode summary:

(Yakko, Wakko, and Dot Short) ”Wally Llama who lives on top of a mountain in the Himalayas is the wisest creature in the world. After he grows sick of answering questions he vows to stop for the rest of the day. The Warners arrive and pester him to answer one question. Eventually he gives in, but when he hears the question he goes crazy because he cannot figure out the answer. The question is why do hot dogs come in packages of ten, and hot dog buns come in packages of eight?

There are numerous reasons why I relate very much to this episode.

One being the question that the Animaniacs ask at the end “Why do hot dogs come in packages of ten, and hot dog buns come in packages of eight?” This is the type of question that I get all day long from my own little Animaniacs, but sometimes it is a bit too much.   The main reason why I chose to talk about this today is because I took Wally Llama’s coping skills as my own years ago after watching the episode. I was a supervisor in a stressful job, living in a stressful environment and when I would get overwhelmed I would close my eyes, plop down on the floor, (I did not care if it was the middle of the store or if I crossed my legs in a chair in the middle of a restaurant.) place my hands up, and repeat “Llama, llama, llama, llama, llama” Yes, I did. I would not always plop down, but I would hold my hands up in meditation position, close my eyes, and repeat llama.

Most people would laugh and that would help me laugh.

Once I started laughing I was able to cope. This week has been a bit rough at times and our 2319! Plan has not been working. I was at my wits end with the boys the other day because they are having such miscommunication that it is was causing some serious meltdowns.  I was getting so frustrated at not knowing how to deal with it that out of desperation I said: “Come on boys sit down criss cross applesauce. Let’s close our eyes, put our hands up like in Yoga, and you say what Mommy says.” I then said: “Llama” over and over and they said it with me within a few minutes we were all laughing and calm. After that, we were able to talk calmly about what had happened and everything was cleared up.

I have been doing it for days now.

It is working! (For the moment.) I can only find the clip of Wally Llama in Spanish which makes it sound even better. We purchased the episode off of iTunes. This week has been a huge week of progress as well… so I am not surprised by the meltdowns. All three of them have been practicing their handwriting, which is extremely stressful for them. They all have to use a lot of concentration and effort to practice writing, but they are doing so awesome. I started the Autism & Reading Comprehension this week as well and the boys are doing great! I was very surprised at how much Daniel does comprehend I shouldn’t be. All three of them comprehend, but they all three also show their comprehension through different ways. Ariel is way beyond in her reading and comprehension although — she is still enjoying doing the lessons with the boys. I really like the book and the lessons being laid out. I have to constantly try new things with the boys to keep them focused on reading.

Ariel reads all the time.  

Daniel likes to read, but he can forget words. If I do not continually stick to a reading program he will lose interest and the words that he has learned. We then have to start all over again, not for all words, but the bigger ones. This also can be quite taxing on them, and cause meltdowns. They are doing great at many of the math concepts, but need more work with subtraction. I decided to focus on subtraction this week as well. I think that may have been a bit too much to add while starting something new with reading this week. Even though they are doing well with subtraction — I did not think through all of the new things that were happening this week…for all of us.

I get kind of freaky when I know that their evaluations are coming quickly.

I have several months, but I go in hyper-drive at times wanting to make sure they are at level and learning everything they need to be learning. AND I think that is why my mind pulled out Wally Llama. I need to make sure that I am not pushing too much. These guys are above-average in many of their academics and are constantly asking questions. It is so easy to miss the progress and things that are accomplished  sitting right in front of you when you are constantly focused on the things you feel need to still be accomplished. I need to sit back and appreciate how much these guys know, and enjoy the way each of them see the world in such awesome and unique ways. I also found some Yoga DVD’s for kids that have been fun for us. We started them about two weeks ago. That is probably what triggered Wally Llama for me.

Maybe you would like to try it too, let me tell you sitting down and repeating “Llama” over and over can be quite amusing.

Here are the Yoga videos I am using with the kids.

YogaKids

Junior Yoga by Annette Lefterow (They are not as “enthused” with this one.)

AND I thought this was worth sharing as well. Everything You Thought You Knew About Learning Is Wrong

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Last night was to be my first dance class…was. I was doing very well throughout the day — I was pretty excited and nervous. Though a bit concerned because my ballet slippers had not arrived yet. (they did not) I decided to bring my other dance shoes — possibly I could pull it off for one night or even get a feel for the class before participating. After finally accepting, the fact that other people were going to see me in a leotard.  L-E-O-T-A-R-D! Yes, that can be a huge source of anxiety for someone who has a skewed view of their body. Anyway, taking classes obviously trump all feelings of anxieties, and fears, or phobias because I REALLY want to do it.

I was still a bit nervous because I did not have my shoes.

I pushed those feeling back, and told myself whether they came or not I was going. Then, Joshua said several times throughout the day: “I don’t want mommy to go tonight.” he was talking to David. He also told me that he did not want me to go. I thought it was the strangest thing because Joshua is the one who practically pushes me out the door if he knows that he will have “Daddy” all night. I am serious this kid jumps up and down when I tell him I am going to the store because daddy is the better than chocolate. Not really, if I offered chocolate or David Joshua would pick chocolate. His loyalties only go so far, but the order goes like this Chocolate, Lego’s, Daddy, Star Wars, and then Mommy.

I am fine with that I completely understand his five year old thoughts when it comes to that.

I know where I am on his list so I found it very strange that he didn’t want me to go. I should have listened. I should have listened to my gut and not go because I didn’t have my shoes. I felt like I had to push myself though otherwise I would sink into anxiety. I got there on time, but the parking lot was packed. There were parents picking up their children and it was chaotic. I couldn’t find a parking spot and I drove to the other end, and found one. However, I could not tell if I was allowed to park there because it was for another business that was open. In haste I decided that I did not want to chance getting towed.

I went down and found a spot in front of the studio.

It looked tight, but I thought I could fit our minivan in there. It was between two monster trucks, everyone around here has monster trucks. I am not kidding they are the most gargantuan, insanely humungous trucks I have ever seen in one city. They fit them in tiny compact parking spaces and you have to practically climb out of your window like the Dukes of Hazards in small parking lots here. There was a couple in their huge truck waiting for their child on my left, and a white truck on my right. I thought that I had managed enough room, but the white truck was in my blind spot. I pulled in and scraped against the side, freaking out I pulled out scraping again. I panicked because I could not find a place to park to look at the damage. A guy came around out of his car and gave me a dirty look.

The couple looked at me with their mouths wide open.

I hurried to find a parking spot so I could get back to the scene as quickly as possible. I think they all thought I took off. I couldn’t find my insurance card since I was so shaken. I then, realized that I left the new one on the printer at home. I flung everything from the glove compartment around the car because I couldn’t think. I couldn’t find a pen, which normally there are at least three sitting around in the car. I ran back to the truck and the couple seemed very relieved to see me. I asked them if they had a pen and they told me that the guy was inside playing guitar. (They do guitar lessons as well.) I went inside and told the receptionist what had happened. I am not sure what I looked like or how I was behaving, but she was worried about me and told me that it would be alright.

The guy came out and I told him what had happened.

We went out to see his truck, and quite honestly it was not bad at all. There was a tiny dent, and paint that will come right off. Our car on the other hand looks much worse, but the door still opens so it will be fine. I was still startled, I couldn’t think. He asked me if I wanted to file a claim and I could not think. I didn’t have a phone on me. The man offered to let me use his phone. I tried to get hold of David, but we do not have the phone downstairs, so he did not hear it. The man offered to let me email David, but David did not receive the email. I was flustered. The receptionist was very nice and asked if I was picking up my child. I told her I was supposed to start the dance classes. She tried to get me focused on that while I waited to try David again. They only take cash or check.

I only had my bank card on me.

She was going to let me take the class anyway and I could pay next week, but I just couldn’t. I just needed to get home. The man and the receptionist both kept telling me that it was alright, it was an accident, and everyone has an accident. I am not sure what I looked like. I did keep apologizing because first I hit the guy’s car, then I used his phone, PLUS I interrupted his guitar lessons. I felt horrible. I have never hit anyone’s car, especially a parked one! I have only had two tickets in my entire life! I have been in one car accident where I was driving, but it was not my fault I was rear-ended. When I heard the scrape of the cars the sound sent my body into shock. I was already hypersensitive from social anxiety.

It made everything magnified.

The good thing is the guy was very kind, and seemed more worried about me. The receptionist and everyone that was in the waiting area were very kind and comforting. Several of the people thanked me for coming in to tell the guy. I thought that was odd, why wouldn’t I come in and tell him? I HIT HIS TRUCK! I had to tell him. I did a horrible thing! I do realize that my intense feeling about it is not shared with others, but I still feel awful for damaging another person’s possession. Why didn’t I listen to my gut? Why didn’t I listen to Joshua? Why didn’t stay in that other parking spot?

It is all ok.

I am not going to let this stop me from going back. In the past I would never go back no matter how much I wanted to dance. I would have been consumed with embarrassment and guilt. I would have been looping about the other people who were staring at me in an odd way instead of staying fixed on the people who were being positive and comforting. It helped that both the receptionist and the guy said:”I’ll see you next week.” This is a huge thing for me to be able to get over. (Kind of over) I did go through a bit of shock last night. I couldn’t drive for a few minutes, and when I did try I couldn’t stop crying. I was so upset with myself because the other thing that ran through my mind was that we do not have the money to pay for our car or his car. I just caused us senseless money loss.

I get really freaked out about things like that.

I could have stopped it, but now I am costing us money that is needed for other things. This line of thinking would have forced me to not continue with the classes as well. I would have punished myself for making a silly mistake. I shutdown when I got home after hyperventilating and crying in the front yard while I showed David what I did. He is not concerned with it at all. He said that it is not that bad. He then had to go to the store because I was in no position to go. I had planned on going after dance class.

I could only sit and watch shows when I finally settled down. 

They made me laugh, and that helped a lot. I did continue to relive the event over and over like a movie in my head, I started craving sweets, which I normally do not, and I was shivering and felt like I was freezing even though I was bundled in warm clothes and a blanket. It seems so strange how I could go through such trauma with something so little, but all of my senses and emotions were heightened because I was trying something new. I was going to a new place. I was meeting new people. I did not have my shoes. I was going against my feeling to not go. My brain was processing a lot. Then, to damage something that belongs to someone else was devastating. I don’t know why it affects me like that. Also, the sounds, the crowds (The kids were swarming and so were their parents.), it was just a lot to take in.

Overall I am feeling positive, the damage is not that bad in hindsight and I am going back with no fears.

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There are times, like this moment where I feel nothing. It’s not really that I feel nothing it is I have no idea what I am feeling. However, I am not freaking out about it, and I am not trying to analyze it (fully), I am just here. There is a slight tinge in my heart at this moment that is probably triggered from the fear of exposing myself. Other than that I feel like a concrete wall from a distance. It looks as if there is nothing to it, it looks solid, gray, and hard, but when you get too close you see tiny cracks, holes, spaces, and shades of gray. I like looking at the gray wall from a distance sometimes, it feels peaceful.

I know that I am prone to put myself under a microscope more so than I do others.

I treat myself like some sort of science project trying to figure out why I do this or why I said that. I want to know why I think the things I do, especially when I feel like others around me do not or I can’t let something go. The other day when I had a meltdown I started to pick myself apart wanting to know why I did such a thing when I haven’t in so very long. Why this time? What sent me over? Why did I feel better when I threw the loaf of bread at the toaster? And why didn’t David understand that his words to me seemed to imply that I was in trouble? Why did I automatically think that I was in trouble? Why did I assume that David was implying in his words “Don’t you need to go to Target?” that he meant that I had better get off of the computer, deal with Daniel, make breakfast for everyone, and get my butt to the store, then back home again to enable him to get upstairs and get back to work?

Why did I think that?

I still am not sure what he meant and I told him after all was settled that is what I thought he was saying to me. I am still angry at his words, but I cannot tell you why exactly. Possibly because they seemed completely inappropriate at the time. I knew I had to go to the store. I knew that in order to go to the store I needed to get off of the computer, help Daniel calm down, make breakfast, and then go. I knew that so why at that moment would he say that? Why didn’t he understand that I needed to get calm myself before helping Daniel, or doing anything else? The computer and my thoughts were the only thing keeping me calm, why would he interrupt that? I am not trying to make David look bad here I am trying to figure out what I am feeling and why. Part of me at this second doesn’t care at all, then there is the analytical side that needs this puzzle resolved. I really have no answers to my questions I am writing them out to get them out of my head.

It did send me on a course of being fixated on the brain…again.

I also tried to work with the kids about their emotions and asked them to express themselves this morning. I asked them to explain what they feel like when they are angry and happy. I could only get through those two. The ironic thing is that Daniel was the only one who could clearly define what he feels like when he is angry. Joshua could not find his own answers he repeated Daniel’s, and Ariel could not answer me at all. She looked at me blankly and said:”I don’t know.” I asked her rephrasing the questions to try to help her, and she could not. She finally said:”I really don’t know. I don’t know how I feel when I am angry. When I am happy I just want to play.” I know what she means. I will share some of what Daniel told me because I think that it is awesome.

Anger expressed by Daniel

When I am angry my head makes me want to kick the door and kick you.
My stomach feels upset.
It’s ok to be mad, but it’s not ok to scream at people.
It’s not ok to hit people.
Instead of hitting, screaming, or kicking I can go read.
When I am angry for a long time, then I get really calm.
I lose my words when I get mad.

He did an incredible job expressing what anger was to him.

To be honest I was amazed that he told me all of that, and he shared more, but I will limit it to what I have already written. I asked him why he wanted to kick me and he told me because he wants me to fix it. He thinks that I know why he is upset and I should fix it. Oh, boy! I can relate to that too. I have been reading more about Theory of Mind, and see with clarity my lack of. I think that part of the reason I find it so difficult to understand others is because I do not even understand my own emotions at times. What if you lack theory of mind for yourself? I do understand that a contributing factor to my lack of understanding is suppressing my emotions.

Which one was first suppression or lack of understanding?

I would venture to say the latter because I would first have to feel the need to suppress. Suppress what? What I do not understand, emotions. They probably played off of each other, as a child I didn’t understand my emotions and I was not allowed to express them freely. They would be through meltdowns, shutdowns, anxiety attacks, and what was perceived as misbehaving. These behaviors have not left me I have gotten better at controlling them or hiding them. I can link my obsessive behaviors with wanting to suppress emotions. It has helped me push them down using my rituals, or fixations to make the feelings go away.  Sometimes I will work harder at it because it is so confusing, and I don’t know what I am feeling. I see why some of my behaviors have been deemed addictive, by myself and others.

In these months that I have been working through things I have not been suppressing them.

I have been feeling them without clarity to what they are, or why I am feeling them at that moment. I have had to tell myself over and over that emotions are not bad. My emotions are telling me something. It is alright to feel them and let them ride their course. I do not know if others have such problems with this, but it is so difficult to not run and hide from them. I haven’t allowed myself though — I have continued to write whatever I am feeling. The discovery of finding release creatively has helped me greatly. The ability to write emotions whether I know what it is about or not has been healing.

I am learning a great deal about myself.

The process has brought some clarity to the difference between what I am feeling, and when I am adopting someone else’s emotions. However, some of my emotions are so intense that I don’t know how to deal with them. I was feeling very upset about many things the past couple of weeks. The other morning when I lost it I had hit my threshold. I felt exhausted from trying to help the kids with their “moments” from the past couple weeks. I get overwhelmed with feeling like I have to constantly know how to help Daniel. I get tired and frustrated from a lot of things. AND then I am supposed to be reading people as well?

I don’t have it in me.

I may sound like a narcissist, but sometimes it is just too much sensory, emotionally, and mentally wise to have to think about what another person means when they say something to me. Or having to deal with their emotions, how I may have hurt their feelings. There are times when I want to say: “Screw it!” it’s just too much. I am tired of processing emotions. I am tired of worrying about if I understand someone or if they understand me. I’m tired of passive-aggressive people. It’s a waste on me anyway it takes days, weeks, months, sometimes years to even realize someone was being passive-aggressive. I completely lost track of what I was writing here, forgive me…quisquous comes to mind. I just like “qu” words. (giggle)

Sorry if I make no sense at all I am processing the very thing I do not want to do today, but cannot stop it.

I am neither sad nor upset in this post, I really am just processing and actually feel fine. Come to think of it I feel better doing this mind dump. Hopefully, I wasn’t too negative sounding.

Some reads I thought were worth sharing.

Intellectual vs. Emotional Processing

Robert Seyfarth: Theory of Mind Video (Great! According to him I am like a three year old. I guess I can learn?)

Empathy, Mindblindness, and Theory of Mind  (I might have shared this before, but it is worth reading again.)

I will share this bit from the above link:

While some professionals will say, as in a quote from Stephen Edelson Ph.D., “…many autistic individuals do not understand that other people have their own plans, thoughts, and points of view,” I think this is overly simplistic.  For myself, I can say that I absolutely understand that people have their own plans, thoughts, and points of view – but those plans, thoughts, and points of view are often a mystery to me. 

Do Not Suppress Addictive Thoughts! (I have a whole post in my head linked to damaging beliefs and suppressing addictive behaviors and/or emotions, thoughts, etc…)

DSM 5 Autism Criteria: Clarifying Impact, Taking Action

I add this as well because another source of emotional confusion for me has been numerous disputes, and then confusions regarding the DSM-5 and between people in the autism community. I have had to limit some of my reading because I get so torn reading from different perspectives. I can see the points from each party and I want to bring peace to the camps, but I cannot.

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This morning started out pretty well. I had my plans for school floating in my head, I was quickly typing out some poems that I remembered from my dreams last night, and just as I was finishing up to get ready to prepare breakfast…the tornado of Daniel came sweeping under my chair kicking and screaming. Through the yells it was revealed that he wanted a toy spider that he could not find. It started because for some reason Ariel and Joshua decided they wanted to play with toy bugs this morning. Daniel has not spoken about this spider in months, I mean MONTHS! I knew exactly which spider he was referring to because a couple weeks ago when I went into a cleaning frenzy and organized all of their toys once again, in my mad cleaning spree I saw this spider.

The spider had been in the corner of the kitchen hidden under various other objects.

It was hiding in a place that I had not seen because quite honestly I was completely overwhelmed with all of the random small pieces or mismatched toys that clustered various small places in this house. The toys that should go in a lost and found box for later, but somehow Daniel seems to think they belong in corners of the house, under my blankets on my bed, randomly placed in my closet, or completely dumped in any or all rooms of the house. I have pictures of these toy dumps for just today that I will convince him later that he needs to help me clean up. However, it will mainly be me or David cleaning it up. Yes, yes the spider.

I had to tell him that I threw it away.

WHY?? Why did I do such an evil vile thing? On purpose?! I will not go into detail, but will only say aggressive much? The last couple weeks have been the delayed reaction to the holidays. The kids in their own way have been having small meltdowns, but nothing major. Daniel has been aggressive off and on for about two weeks, but his recovery time and his aggressive behaviors have not been anywhere near what they used to be. I forget how much of a toll this takes on me because I am in reaction mode, then I wonder why I feel the need to stim for hours. This morning was pretty bad though. It was so bad that I had my own meltdown. I couldn’t help it. I was overwhelmed with being derailed once again for school and trying to pull myself together to get us able to focus and accomplish what we needed to for today.

I could not control my outburst.

It was not directed at the kids. I was trying to finish my thoughts because I was stuck and needed to get them out. Daniel was screaming at me, and kicking the back of my chair. Then, David asked: “Don’t you need to go to Target?” That did not sit well with me. I had no control over my words, and went in and started breakfast. I was throwing bread of course, and tossing eggs. Then, I stopped, put my head in my arms and kept repeating: “I can’t get back, I can’t get back.” while stomping my foot and almost crying. I was completely derailed. I have been struggling for weeks to get back to our schedule. It isn’t going well. The kids are being argumentative about school, and I am trying my best to stay motivated myself.

Long story short I had to apologize to David.

Daniel had to apologize to me. I went to Target and cried in the vitamin aisle, then felt guilt for having a meltdown. I did not find a spider so I had to go to two other stores and finally found one. If I did not get a spider Daniel would not have been able to move forward for who knows how long. I came home, gave him the spider and all was well with him anyway. Joshua and Ariel is another story. Joshua has been highly emotional lately and feeling like everyone is leaving him out. It does not make sense to me at all because no one is. It really causes me  confusion, which is never good because that makes me anxious. I don’t know how to help or even understand it. Ariel is transitioning from little girl to girl, and that has a whole other dynamic that I can relate to. I just was not expecting it at seven years old.

It’s all quite interesting.

The positive is that recovery time today and the other days have been short for the kids. I think part of my meltdown today was that I have been holding this stuff in and trying to put out fires forgetting that it affects me too. When Daniel is aggressive I have to be on my toes trying to save things in the house, stop him from throwing things, slamming doors, breaking the toys that he loves. I don’t know why he always goes to destroy his favorite toys. He always gets so upset after they are broken, it makes it worse. Wait…after thinking about it I have done the same thing. Maybe it is because we are so upset it makes us even angrier to see something that can make us happy. Possibly a form of control. Who knows I am analyzing to escape.

I am still overwhelmed and will need this day to recover.

We did finish all of our school work. Daniel completed everything and even brought me a social skills book saying: “I want to read this today. It is my favorite.” It was perfect because it has visuals and the wrong way and the right way to do things. It is this book The Social Skills Picture Book Teaching play, emotion, and communication to children with autism excellent resource. Daniel and Joshua are playing together and it is like nothing ever happened this morning. I am fine with that actually I am elated by that, but I am exhausted. I feel like I wrestled with a rhinoceros or something and I lost. It is already better so I am trying to get back on track by writing this out.

I did watch another TED video that I thought was worth sharing Sarah Kay: If I should have a daughter …

Even if you feel no interest in watching the whole thing I do recommend listening to her poems in the beginning and at the end. It is a good reminder that the bad days always get better. BUT I will say it is excellent to watch she is a poet and the way that she talks about it explains my brain with poems. Project V.O.I.C.E.looks awesome!

I have been allowing the poems that are flooding through me to come out.

It is part of accepting my means of processing. I think I may feel some poems coming regarding my emotions for today, and tomorrow the kids and I are going to write some poems. I am going to see if they will be able to write some of what they have been feeling the last few weeks. The more that I listened to Sarah Kay the more I say even if you do not feel like a poet it is definitely worth watching. It is helpful to be reminded that others relate even if you do not hear from them or know it, or have consuming feelings like you have nothing to contribute. You do have a story to share and it matters.

Whatever your form of communication is — your voice matters.

Title of gallery “New Spider & Random Toy Dumps”

[Show as slideshow]

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Once again I offer you some confessions. If you have been reading my blog for a while you may have picked up on the fact that relationships are a special interest of mine. This obsession has been with me since as far back as I can remember. I have observed people and how they interact with each other and I find it fascinating. I find it to be another source of frustration that I have been unable to understand them. Well…the problem is, I do understand them, but people do not want to admit what they actually are. There you have my fascination and my overactive observing skills. It makes it very difficult for me to discern if someone is truly operating in the relationship they claim to be or if it is some sort of ruse. I find family dynamics to be the most confusing of all.

I would claim it to only be mine.

However, I have discovered in my years upon this planet that indeed other families have these strange types of dynamics as well. I recently watched a clip and trailer from a film that reflects some of what I am referring to. Meet the Artists ’11: Sam Levinson (forewarning a bit of language) Yes, I am intrigued by him and find what he has to share quite interesting. Here is the trailer “Another Happy Day” I also read this on Indiewire. It does look like it would be hard movie that many people could relate to. I personally find comfort in such films because it reveals to me that my strong desires for my family to be honest with each other is not unfounded or uncommon. Family is a complicated affair and always has been.

I am amazed that family is a pool of different characters we are supposed to be learning communication from.

In my experience I have yet to see families communicate in a positive way. I have two people in my family that I can communicate with almost fully, my mom and my aunt. I still try to filter and explain myself in a way that does not hurt them. It is an impossible task I know this, but I also know that they love me no matter what so sooner or later they will let it go. I have been harping on relationships and ways for me to discern what people are good for me because I have to be somewhat solid in this before I go back around family. They have been the greatest source of confusion for me when it comes to this, which in turn has caused me confusion with relationships outside of family as well. I am using my ballet classes as a means to test out my gauge of people I can communicate with and those I cannot.

The social aspect of the classes has caused me a great deal of stress.

That would be another reason why I have been going through what types of people I want to be friends with. I have to do that because otherwise I will get hurt. I know I will. I will end up befriending people, getting involved in their lives, and later discover that I am completely confused by the relationship. I also have not had the best of luck with many women relationships so I need to have clarity before I even step into a room full of women. I have already decided that my goal is to get to the advanced level as quickly as possible. I have no desire to build up relationships in this group, if it happens fine or if not fine. My purpose is not going to be focused on people, in the past that is what I have done and I got sidetracked and derailed.

I know I may sound bad here, but I have to practice. 

I have to practice at not getting involved with people who I seem to gravitate toward. I especially tend to gravitate toward women who are in need of affirmation. Those that are very insecure and I desire so much to build them up. Maybe they gravitate toward me who knows all I know is that it is a familiar thing that is not healthy for me. I end up sacrificing everything in order to help them find themselves only to discover all they wanted was someone to tell them how great they are while not changing. They say they want to change, but they don’t. They show interest in developing their skills and talents — I jump right in spending my time seeking out the best ways for them to do so.  I have spent hours researching things for people only to have them not use it or not really pay attention to it. It’s my “help trump” thing in my brain, I lose all reason for myself.

It is also very important for me to get my strength in this area before being around my family again.

I will lose myself completely in my family’s issues if I do not get a grasp on this. It has been good for me to do a walk through and evaluate who is good for me and who isn’t. The truth is some people in families are toxic and can be destructive relationships. I always feel horrible making statements like that because there is a certain family obligation guilt that I have experienced in my own family and with other families that I have been tied to. I think I have managed to find some resolve after all of these years in my thinking about relationships. I will have to test myself, but I believe I have gotten a stronger sense of self and understanding of certain types of people so I will not fall into old unhealthy patterns.

Alright, I am finished with the relationship topic…until next week.

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One of my most frustrating anxieties is the phone. I get so consumed by anxiety with the thought of having to call places, or new people. I do this with family and friends as well. It seems so ridiculous, it’s a phone! Millions of people are walking around with a phone calling people all day long, making appointments, ordering food whatever people do with a phone. Yet, I have to work myself up to make a simple phone call. I have worked on this for a long time. I have had jobs where I had to answer the phone, or call people. Yesterday was the first time I connected that my physical and mental exhaustion was enhanced at those workplaces because I had to talk on the phone.

I had to make a couple of phone calls yesterday.

My ballet lessons are going to start next week, I had to call to finalize everything and get the schedule, attire, etc… I had been contacting them through a woman via email, but then she told me that I needed to call the teacher. It took me two days to work up the nerve. I wrote my questions and thoughts down in case I needed them. It turned out to be very positive (yea!) and I got along well with the teacher on the phone, and I am excited that it is a guy. Yea! Again, I think that will be a better fit for me. All went well, but after I hung up I immediately started dissecting everything I said. I started pouring over the conversation wondering if I sounded like a spaz. I wondered if I was coherent in my conversation or random and chaotic.

As I went over it I realized how nice he was.

I also understood that he was happy to have another person coming to his class. I normally never think of that, I always feel like a bother. (I try not to.) Still I was all sweaty, my heart was racing, I didn’t stop thinking about if for a while until I was able to convince myself that it was a positive experience just like I initially thought. It was about a 10 minute conversation that took me about two hours to get over. Geez! Once I got over that phone call I had to prepare myself for the next one. I was calling an adult & adolescent psychiatric office. “Adult & adolescent” psychiatric office who stated that they specialize in autism spectrum disorders. I wrote my list of questions, called, and got sent to voice mail. I despise leaving messages because I never know what to say unless I have it written down, and I get all freaked out and start talking rapidly and saying whatever flies into my head.

I did alright leaving a message.

Then I had the anticipation of waiting for them to call back. It is so debilitating to wait for a phone call. I try not to focus on it, but I am in constant anxiety waiting for it. It takes a lot of work to keep the script at the forefront of my mind. I do this with everyone and the phone. If they say they are going to call I-need-them-to-call when they say they will, when they give no clarity and it is open-ended I am unable to let it go. I try, I really do. In the past if they did not call I assumed they didn’t want to talk to me or make plans like they had suggested. I would then lead into a negative loop wondering why they would say that they would call when they never intended to. Why wouldn’t they just say they didn’t want to do something if they didn’t want to? Among a million other questions. I have learned that this is faulty thinking, but it still arises.

I digress!

I was waiting for the phone call unable to do anything else, but spin the questions and how I was going to answer the phone in my head. I was also feeling anxious because I did not know what they sounded like. There are some voices that I cannot handle and if they have that particular type of voice it will throw me. The phone finally rang. She had a nice voice. I grabbed my questions went into one of the rooms and shut the door. I told her my reasons for calling, to get an adult diagnosis for autism spectrum disorder. Keep in mind I have been searching for a place for months that deals with adults on the spectrum. Everywhere I called or emailed did not do anything for adults around here and they could not lead me to anyone. What is that?

When I found this place I was so hopeful.

Add to this my anxiety from calling and emailing other places with no help or directions and feeling really upset that no one is focusing on adults on the autism spectrum in my town or near my town. What was her reply to me when I said that? “That is unheard of for an adult to get a diagnosis for autism — children usually get diagnosed with it at ages between two and three. Adults would be diagnosed with Aspergers are you talking about that?” I was shaken and went off script. First her tone was hard for me to discern and I felt like she was talking to me like I was an idiot. I had already spilled out that I had a son on the spectrum so I would think that she understood I knew what I was asking for. What is she going to do if/when Asperger’s is eliminated from the DSM-V? What do adults on the spectrum miraculously disappear or now we are all Rain Man?

Forgive me it did throw me.

I lost my focus, I started rambling and saying whatever and I realized that I took over in an authoritative voice because I had lost trust in her ability to help me or understand autism. I have since recanted my initial thoughts upon contemplation. She knows nothing about me, what I have read, what I have done with Daniel, what I have written here on my blog, she has no clue that I am completely emerged in many aspects of autism, and that on a daily basis I am consuming large amounts of information about it from various means. How would she know that? I didn’t realize that until much later. All in all it turned out good. I am fairly certain that I convinced her I was at least Asperger’s in the short time we were on the phone because she changed her tune as well after I changed mine.

She took on a more therapist type of persona.

She became calm as she spoke to me, and finally said that she didn’t think that we would be a good fit since she works with children. Halt! I was sent to her because she was the one who was the “autism” doctor in the office, the name of the office clearly states “adults” in its title. I was confused. She explained to me that they do not handle adults with “Asperger’s” because remember only adults have Asperger’s. Fine. I shutdown. She did catch on that something was wrong, and she gave me names of two neuropsychologists in the area that may be able to help. She was pleasant at the end, I liked how she was able to manage me a bit to bring me back from my fuzzy mind, and she did direct me to people who may be able to help. At the end she wished me luck and I thanked her.

I put the phone down and started crying.

Only for a moment, but the whole thing was too much. Once again I was overwhelmed with calling a place that could not help me. I was overwhelmed with having to talk to a stranger on the phone. I was overwhelmed with the FACT that I cannot pick up a phone and be ok! It is a source of frustration for me. The good news I did not loop about either of the two conversations I had yesterday. I was able to collect my thoughts, reason through and see that everything was fine. However, my day was shot I was stimming all night on music and reading blogs. I was exhausted and mentally drained. I don’t know how I made it through some of my workplaces. Especially the insurance office and the temporary agency where my job required me to answer the phone. Now that I think of it for several reasons those places were not good for me to work at, but also at both places I got physically ill.

While at the insurance place I was diagnosed with depression. 

Then, put on anti-depressants. While at the agency I was sick for months. I was depressed then too, but could not admit it because people in my life told me that my faith should be healing me from those dark thoughts. Long story. Back to the phone. After I got off the phone with her, I looked up the doctors names she gave me. I scoped out their websites, and decided to send an email to one who said she did “autism spectrum disorder” evaluations. She did not make it clear that she did adults, though she mentions adults, but after my last phone call I had to know. I sent an email and indeed she does. Yes! She was helpful too in offering to answer any questions I have. I will call her tomorrow. I need a phone break. I was happy with her quick response to my email and directness to my questions. I am hopeful…again.

Now if I could only be ok with the phone! I need phone therapy me thinks.

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Part of the problem as well is I think everyone else has no problems. I fall into the line of thinking that people have not felt this sort of thing — I feel that mainly with people in my personal life. I look at them and think they have it altogether and want to know why I do not. I do not know how to separate my own feelings of not wanting to hurt anyone from expressing myself. It makes me ache so badly at the thought of telling someone what I am feeling and then see it hurt them, or make them angry. I do not know how to process my emotions or what I am feeling by hurting or causing anger in another person. I am willing to die a slow aching death inside instead of telling someone how I feel fully.

I have instead built walls.

Only later to explode with emotion trying to force people to leave or I become numb to them so that I can finally say what I need to. Then, I wait in anticipation because I do not know how they are going to respond. Somehow I have to train my mind to be able to speak up and say that my pains and hurts matter. I have to express it even if it does affect someone else in a negative way or they do not give a flying fahrvergnügen. (It popped in my head and sounded funny so I used it.) David has been exposed to my working through expressing myself it has been very hard for him at times. I seem to not be as affected when he expresses his emotions to me — I think it may be from my years of listening to others express themselves.

David had no idea that I have been so unhappy for all of these years.

He had no idea I had been depressed for years, especially when we lived out West. He had no idea I was holding on to a broken heart from a long time ago. He had no idea that I was hiding behind a shadow of him. He had no idea that I was hiding so much of myself all of these years. Honestly either did I. He has lived with me 24/7 for years now and he did not know. I did what I have done my entire life, I pushed back any of my doubts, fears, and questions for the sake of trying to make/keep people happy. It was not because he did anything to make me do that, I just assumed the role that I had been given since childhood. I pushed back all of my emotions because I did not think that they mattered, or that I was making them up. I am saying this again, that I would be rejected, or that I would hurt someone. I say “rejection” often because it is a big one, and as I have read around the blogosphere many people feel it.

I wanted everyone else to be happy, to the point of my unhappiness.

As I have taken a look at my past relationships with everyone I have seen many things with clarity. I have stepped away from denial and looked at them again — there have been true moments of understanding. This is hard for me to accept, but no matter how much they said they cared about me they still treated me like they didn’t. I have been an afterthought in many people’s lives that I have continued to regard as close and dear. The only way I can understand is by looking at them through a spectrum. One end of the spectrum is unconditional love the other end is complete hatred, most people fall into the middle even when they claim unconditional love. Maybe that is their definition of it. Maybe that is all they are capable of. Maybe my expectations are too high, but they have been too low for long enough so we’ll see how things go.

The focus has to be on the relationship.

Defining a relationship is a hard one for me since I have only known to suppress myself in them. I have read all kinds of things, I have written about it, and still my mind cannot grasp it. I guess I have to just look at the basics. Relationships are mutual in communication, trying to understand each other, sharing, being honest, and I believe acceptance is key. The other thing for a relationship to work is asking: “How does the other person define the relationship?”  I believe a lot of my confusion lies in, once again, my definitions of the relationships I have with people. I think my lacking theory of mind has caused me to believe that others feel the same way I do about them. The times that I discovered they do not or they do not place the amount of importance on things like I do, causes me to get hurt or confused.

I can confuse people because I am normally fine with limited contact.

I can go back and forth from not contacting at all to bombarding them with emails or fb posts. I don’t get upset if I do not hear from people all the time. I only get anxious when I am not sure what the relationship is. I can go months without talking to someone if I know how they feel about me. If I am unsure, I get loopy that is mostly with new relationships and family. An example is when I first became friends with someone online, both of us being Aspies with similar issues made it hard at first. We were both worried that the other would misunderstand, and leave. Or that we would offend each other, but after a month or so of us saying “I am not leaving, you cannot offend me, I fully accept you” we finally felt safe. (She rocks!) And that my friends is a loving thing to do for an Aspie.

I do see my patterns, but it may take a while to implement.

I think if I define what a healthy relationship is to me it will be very beneficial. I have spent so many years focused on what relationships mean to others. I know that if I no longer want to be hurt I need to change some things. I found a quote the other day that said: “I don’t know how to be someone that you would miss.” When I first read it I felt like it rang true with me, I felt like I wish I could be a person that someone would miss. The more I thought about it I got angry, and thought that quote may have it wrong. It should be something like: “It’s a shame you don’t know that I am someone to be missed”, or something much cleverer.   Actually Lisa from Alienhippy shared this quote the other day and I guess it makes it quite clear.

“Stop spending time with the wrong people. Life is too short to be with anyone who sucks the happiness out of you like marrow from a bone. If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room. Never fight for a spot or sell yourself to someone who overlooks your worth. And, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.”

 ~ Dr. Christiane Northrup~

I don’t know how to walk in this quote, but I will try…

I read this quote the other day too.

“The meek shall inherit the earth because the aggressive people of the world will trample their face into it!” Ouch!

Disclaimer: What I have shared may have repeating information about relationships, I cannot keep track of my roaming mind. If indeed you have read things from me that are the same or quite similar well just remember I can be very loopy. However, every loop I go through I get a bit more clarity so enjoy the ride.

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Before I go into this post, I would like to share that my source of shutdown this past week was triggered by numerous things. I completely forgot how fragile I am in January. I have triggers for this month, and no matter how great I feel during/after the holidays it is inevitable that meltdowns/shutdowns are going to happen. I am writing this to say to myself and anyone else who may be feeling what I am feeling “It is ok.” Holidays are a lot and we need release. My emotions were triggered even further by the feeling of being left out by my family. It happens every year, it happens when I am with them or not. The fact is, I do not think that I will ever feel comfortable with them. I need to accept that. The exception being my aunt that I love dearly and who means the world to me. She does accept me and our family the way we are. When New Year’s weekend came and went I was overwhelmed with feeling invisible.

Every year the family meets at her house for the New Year’s weekend to celebrate.

They celebrate Christmas as well at that time. As I saw the pictures of everyone, I got engulfed with emotions that I am not sure how to describe fully. It brought about fears and anxieties about moving back there. Shortly after that I began to feel as if my aunt was angry at me, or upset for some reason that I concocted. I tried desperately to stop the loops, but the thought of losing my aunt and then not knowing how things would work with us moving back consumed me. I went into a panic and emailed her. I was devastated when I had not heard back from her fearing that she indeed was upset, and I was not making it up. I forced myself to work through it, and came to the conclusion that I was overreacting and to wait it out. I got resolved in my mind, after my panic and shutdown of course. Long story short, for some reason my email did not go through until later in the week.

This is part of my process.

I am looking at and discerning my irrational thoughts.  I am deciphering who accepts me fully, and deciding what types of relationships we should have. In the past my only options were all or nothing. This is a damaging thinking pattern, especially when it is based on irrational fears. Although I will say that many of my fears are not unfounded, I have been treated like crap. I do not need to make my choices based on social confusion, or feeling far too inadequate to understand. I am seeking to base it on a balanced mind frame. I have been unable to share with my aunt the past three months what I have been going through. When I finally could write out my words, I was fearful of the outcome. I had no reason to be with her, but because of me being overly sensitive this month with emotions, sensory, and working through everything that I have been sharing on here, I could not think straight. All of that being said here I go.

Starting from the end of Faking Happy I

I do cause myself much pain by holding in my words, and not expressing myself to certain people in my life. I do not know how, and until I feel comfortable I am not going to. This one is very hard to work through because I have managed to fake being happy and hide my feelings for so long that I truly do not know how to express them with clarity. It makes it even more difficult because I am still unable to know what I am hurt, angry, or frustrated by specifically. I am not altogether able to pinpoint what it is that has hurt me or is hurting me. The only thing I can determine is that it hurts or it feels wrong. The only thing I know how to do is write them through poetry or fiction. I still am not able to figure it out right away.

I am also learning how to express myself when I feel happy.

I felt real happiness this last month. I was happy because I conquered some pretty big giants that were in my life. Now I am facing other ones. I mentioned that David took me to a ballet in 2008, he had no idea how moved I was until the other day when I voiced it to him. He knew that I liked ballet, my mom and sisters made darn sure that I got to go by insisting that they would watch the kids. I had never left them with anyone at that point for any amount of time. They knew how important the ballet was to me though. David knew that I would be happy, but he barely remembered it because my response to him seemed very subtle. He said he remembered that I sat there quietly through the whole performance, which is very unusual for me. He had no idea that I was so happy that I had tears of joy, or that it meant that much to me. I thought it was clear how much it meant to me.

I wasn’t. I only thanked him and talked about it a little afterwards.

He had no idea that I studied the booklet from the show, and then researched the group online. I didn’t share any of that. He didn’t even know that I kept it and the tickets. I had waited my whole life to see a real ballet group perform, and I felt too vulnerable to share any joy. Possibly since I had only shared with myself my joys for so long I didn’t know how. More likely it is both. David mentioned the other day that I did not cry about anything except for people I was praying for when we met. I actually didn’t cry until two or three years after we were together. It was after the twins were born. I think my tears came from being completely overwhelmed and exhausted from the changes of being a mother, taking care of the twins, being completely isolated, and Daniel not sleeping, crying/screaming for hours, not eating and various other things.

I was sleep deprived and had sensory issues from everything.

I didn’t know how to express any of that either. I couldn’t understand why I was having problems when so many other mothers seem to have no issues, and that is a whole other story. I do not know how to express myself to a person and not feel guilt or fear that they will reject me or my feelings. The scripts that I have are of people getting angry at me for voicing my emotions, or telling me that I was being foolish for feeling those things. Those are forms of emotional abandonment. I also get struck with the fear that they will leave because they think that I am too much or that my problems reveal what a mental case I am. I do not mean that in a bad way, please do not get offended I do not know how else to word it. I have not felt safe to share my real joys, or how much I care about things because people have hurt me when they discover my passions.

My problems are not any different from a lot of people.

To be continued in Faking Happy III (This got much longer than I anticipated…sorry. )

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I am coming out of a full-blown shutdown. (Good news it didn’t last as long as in the past.) I completely lost my words, was overwhelmed with emotions, and unable to think clearly. I am still working through my Faking Happy II post. It is a partial reason for my shutdown. The thoughts and evaluating relationships in my life was too much to handle. Another reason is the fact that I have to redefine what relationships mean to me. It is a very hard concept since I have only taken (most of the time) what I stumbled upon in relationships. I had no clear understanding that I could control who was in my life or how other people treated me. Many times I accepted people at face value, assuming that they did the same for me.

I accepted whatever people into my life without question.

I was under the impression that if they liked me or showed some sort of interest than we were friends. I was overwhelmed with the knowledge of how wrong that type of thinking is the past few days. In my last post I shared the Proust Questionnaire, and as I went through them I realized that I have shared a lot of these things about myself on this blog. I have been quite open on here without realizing it, there is still a lot more to me. I have my various hidden interests that I do not share a lot of because…well I would get too obsessive and the whole blog would turn into a special interest blog. I cannot allow myself to do that anyway because too much of my favorites things can make me disconnect from the real world. I have to keep a nice balance.

Ok, to the point of my title.

I never really thought of me having “crushes” on people per sa. I defined it strictly under physical attraction only. I tend to find people attractive, but not think much of it. I am too busy thinking of other things like what are they thinking about??? Who cares if they look great tell me what is going inside their head! I understand the premise of a crush from other people’s terms, but for me the emotional attachment that I get toward objects, songs, words, and/or characteristics in people is an intense emotion that I only know how to describe in the word crush. In recent months David has brought to my attention the many times I say how much I like someone, such as actors, musicians, chefs, scientists, mathematicians on and on. It does not matter if they are dead or alive I am crushin’ on them. Actually, I am not “crushin’” on them I am extremely attracted to their ideas, accomplishments, lives that they led or do lead. I am intrigued by their humor, their studies of interest, their words, and the aspects of who they are.

David has pointed out however, the numerous bald men that I seem to be attracted to.

I never knew I had such a pull toward bald men, but indeed I do. Most of them are not partially bald they are completely bald…usually or at least shave for the most part. (Tidbit “bald” in German means soon or shortly.) There are certain characteristics that are distinctive with each person. I choose to profess my liking for these people because they are normally very gentle in spirit, but passionate about things, they are thinkers, care deeply about right and wrong, are humorous, but still serious about this world, and they have multiple interests. There is more, but I will limit it to that. I must add here that the reason for my expressing my likes for people is a big deal because in the past I have not been able to. I found it very difficult for some reason. In recent months I have, and it is not limited to men. There are women I adore as well who hold the same characteristics. In most people this is a natural flow. They know who they like or admire, and why without much thought.

I have to think about why I like the person, and what the “feelings” are that I have for them.

I have been in relationships with people I could not stand, but I thought something was wrong with me. I never once thought about them not being good for me or me not being good for them. I have one person who is a family friend that I do not enjoy at all. The conversations they have are shallow, and fluffy. If it is not a frivolous conversation, then they turn it into what feels like gossip to me. They have confused me and made me feel icky every time I have been in contact with them. I have chosen to stay away from them because I either cause them great stress with my constant “Why are you saying that about them?” or “Well you can’t make that judgment without knowing what they are going through.” comments. It causes me to loop for days after I have been around them, questioning if I was wrong or if they were wrong.

It doesn’t matter we are not a good fit for anything more than a “Hi” and “Bye” relationship.

I jokingly told David that I was going to write a post about the people that I have crushes on. I later thought that it actually may be beneficial. He said: “Oh, I wondered why you had Patrick Stewart pulled up on the iPad.” Ok, I admit it I used to be a Star Trek: The Next Generation fan. (I know I said in the past that I was not a fan of Star Trek, I was referring to the original.) I watched it because I thought Captain Jean-Luc Picard was awesome! I admired Patrick Stewart as an actor as well.  The actors that I tend to admire seem to be British and Shakespearean. They also tend to do a wide range of roles. I do have a thing for Kevin Spacey I talk about him a lot. I also am quite fond of David Suchet and Colin Firth. They all hold characteristics that I admire, they are deeply involved in their causes, and they are very quiet about their personal life. Not to mention all of them are funny. (Look up “Patrick Stewart on Extras” on Youtube)

I think so anyway.

I have other people like Joe Bastianich he said the best quote “I was born to manipulate grapes.” He owns wineries. You can watch him here on Jimmy Fallon. I do like Gordon Ramsey too. Hee hee I confess that many of the people that I have crushes on are blunt, direct, and passionate about what they do, and love. I also noticed that they are not mean or rude. Nick Cave would be another person that I have a great fondness for. Some of them can come across as abrasive or rude, but when you read about their lives it is rich with stories that can move you.

I have shared some of the other people that I admire in my post “The Moon is Reaching for Me”.

I am very fond of Carla Bruni, and Martha Graham as well. I am not limited to my crushes — I am having a lingering crush on Dr. David Eagleman. I am currently reading his book as well titled SUM. It is 40 stories of possible outcomes for the afterlife, all fictional and quite entertaining along with thought provoking. I got a little freaked out by some questioning if I am living in my afterlife right now?!   I wrote a story about the moon being my friend the other day, and found it quite interesting that I discovered this TEDxHouston with Dr. David Eagleman today. He uses the picture that helped inspire my story and explains very well what I was trying to express through fiction. I find it fascinating what was discovered by the Hubble deep field experiment. I had been looking at the Hubble deep field pictures for a month before I wrote the story.

Maybe I crush on stars too?

Dr. David Eagleman is a neuroscientist who specializes in the study of time perception and Synesthesia. I have been following him for over a year now. Through him I also discovered The Long Now Foundation which I find very interesting as well. I could on, but I am sure that this may not be making any sense to anyone else other than me. My point, I do not have clear distinctions between my everyday feelings. I have been confused as to how to express love, hate, indifference, sadness, etc… I feel like my brain has gathered up some of these people that I would say I have a “crush” on because I am not sure how else to describe it. It gives me clear characteristics that I look for in people, but that I have not looked for in relationships in my real life. Or I have, but somehow ended up with people completely opposite.

As I write these out I see how I have managed to seek out people like this on the internet.

I have found some wonderful friends online who I feel posses these qualities, but not in the physical. I have tried, but then felt wrong or like I was being too hard on people. Another thing I did was try to challenge people to carry more of these characteristics that I like. If they didn’t I felt like they were rejecting me somehow. I am still processing all of this. I was not being very accepting of who they were because I saw so much more in them. However, if people are satisfied with who they are and where they are at I need to accept that. I need to evaluate my ability to be able to accept that, possibly I cannot because the potential I see in them is too much for me to bear.

I may love their potential, but not them.

I know that can sound horrible, but it’s reality. If I am unable to accept someone fully it is only fair to let go and let them have relationships that will. I say that for me as well, if they cannot accept me and only love the potential of what they would like me to be, well that is not very accepting. We have to be willing to accept people as they change or do not change as long as it is not a damaging relationship. I believe this has been a large source of my social anxiety. I am filled with anxiety because I have not defined what relationships mean to me.

I have not made clear the types of people that are good for me to be around.

Relationships are much like careers in my mind — they need to be enhancing and beneficial to both parties. It is good to have similar likes or interests and use that as a common ground. Actually that is a very important detail for me, but there is no need to be exactly the same. Through our differences we bring about new thoughts and changes in our thinking. People unwilling to accept differences are not people for me. I find that to be difficult to say, but the source of my social confusion is other people making me feel like I have to chose a group to be a part of. I do not. I enjoy all types of people. I can do well socially in the right circumstances.

I do know that I have a certain physical attraction to some of these people I mentioned.

There are some that I am more drawn to because of their facial features. David mentioned that I tend to only crush on people from the neck up. However, I am attracted to the clothes/shoes/accessories they wear as well. I find Joe Bastianich’s attire quite awesome. I also admit his death stare is fabulous! If you have seen the show Master Chef you know what I am talking about.  I noticed that many of the people I have a fondness for — tend to have eccentric clothing styles, or at least collections of such styles I am not sure how to describe it. This is true for the people in my reality or  the well-known people that through the limited knowledge I have collected I know that part of them.   I liked these pictures.

Joe Bastianich, Gordon Ramsay, Chef Graham Elliot

Nick Cave my man with The Death of Bunny Munro.

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