Tag Archives: anorexia

07/29/12

Ramblings I Suppose

I have no idea if any of my posts lately are making sense, or if I sound like a babbling rambling fool. I need to write and get things out of my head though so I hope that I am not being too terribly off. I am in a massive information consumption, and book-reading loop. This morning I have been on a Psychology Today reading kick. I am fairly certain that I am reading obsessively to help calm my anxieties about going to my aunt’s house today. I do not “feel” all that anxious, but my mind is acting otherwise. She has put out a facebook invite to any and everyone so I have no idea how many people will be there. I do not know many of them, except family. I also have the lingering anticipation about the kid’s anxieties.

I have not told Daniel yet.

It seemed to be a better route not to tell him about this yet. I tried to in the beginning of the week, and he shutdown for a while then, came full force with a ton of questions. As well as almost tears, hitting his head with his hands and then, playing drums on everything in the house. Tap, tap, thump, thump, rad-a-tat, rad-a-tat, all over the place. The one question he repeated for several hours was, “Why? Why do we have to go? Why, is it there? Why are there people going? Why does the car shake? Why does the road go up? Why? Why? Why?” He was getting himself so upset that finally I told him that we were not going and not to worry about it. He would not have been able to function the rest of the week. I felt horrible because I wanted to prepare him ahead of time and discuss it with him. He was just unable to do so this week so I will do it about an hour before hand.

There are times when it is better to wait and tell him.

There are other times when I must prepare him ahead of time months in advance. It all depends on how he is responding, feeling, and determining what he is able to process at the moment. He has too much anxiety about getting in the car right now. The anticipation of thinking about it, worrying about it, fearing things like getting carsick again, would have been too much for him. There was no way to make him feel better about it. I do have a plan to help with today, and I am hoping it works. If not he may have to stay home with Daddy because Ariel and Joshua are excited about going – though they are having their own anxieties.

Ariel has been sharing much more about her social thoughts.

She talked to me about how people look at her funny sometimes when we are out and she does not understand why. I explored that in much more detail. I will not go in depth with it though. It was a great opportunity to explain to her that we never know what people are thinking. We may be reading people wrong when they look at us and there are many reasons as to why a person may be looking at us oddly. Such as we look familiar, they like something about us, they want to talk to us but do not know how, or they want to ask us a question, they like our clothes, there could be anything! I realized that everything I was telling her was positive. I had explained to her that in that type of situation it does not always mean a bad thing.

I then, thought to myself, “I need to listen to my own words!”

She explained to me as well that she feels more comfortable talking to people who are in business, or she knows what they do. The more we talked I discovered that she gets anxious about meeting new people because she does not know anything about them and does not know how to, or what to talk to them about. Oh, gosh! Me too! She wants all of the information about people beforehand so she knows what to talk about. That is exactly what I do. This is the reason I look up people and try to get to know things about them before I interact with them.

I cannot do chitchat very well.

At some point, I get annoyed and shutdown, or walk away because it makes my brain feel fuzzy and confused. My purpose in talking to people is mutual information sharing. I like to learn things in a conversation. Whether it is details about their work, their ways of thinking, or their lifestyle. I need concrete information and I can sit with a person who is willing to answer all of my questions for hours. When I am talking to them I am connecting so many other sources of information swimming around in my brain, and I add that information to the conversation. I do not talk to people just to talk. If I am going to invest my time in a person, I want it to be worth it.

If I invest any amount of time in a person, it means I want to.

If I see that, they are not giving me mutual information exchange I tend to walk away, or stop talking. I see no point in it. I can be silly, and say frivolous things at times. However, at some point I need to see that the person and I have something of substance to talk about otherwise I cannot keep up the conversation in the physical or in the virtual. I go back to my word productive. It needs to be producing something. I like talking and reading about people who produce thoughts in my mind, and keeps me connecting and wondering about all kinds of things. Ariel is like that too, I have watched her walk away from conversations when she does not get to contribute thoughts, or does not understand the point.

We all do this at home as well, but we are just as goofy as we are serious.

I think I just tapped into my anxiety. I have several different things making me anxious. I am anxious about Daniel’s response to the car, his response to being around a whole bunch of people, and how people will respond to him. I believe my other aunt who sent me a ton of letters out of nowhere causing me to spiral into social confusion frenzy, may be there. She is upset (through the family grapevine) that I did not tell her that we were moving here. To be honest, I did not tell anyone except my close aunt, my grandma and then, my dad and step mom about a month before. I did not have time or the emotional ability to get on the phone, or email everyone and tell them that I was coming here.

My thoughts, why would they care anyway they never talk to me?

What does it matter now? I am just going to be myself and try not to let that nonsense get to me. My kids are my focus and my cousin since he will be leaving soon. I still have the underlining anxiety quietly hiding that will manifest itself in other ways. I have to keep that in mind for the kids and me. We all do it even though Joshua has no problems walking into a place and talking to people. He is very social; he still has meltdowns/shutdowns in his own way. As much as he loves it, it still takes a lot out of him. I assume I needed to get this stuff out of my head to help me move forward for the day. I had planned to only share some links and pictures of what the kids have been up to! My head is so full of words. I have a story floating around in there as well. Need-to-get-it-out. Onto my initial quest!

The kids have been watching Lego engineers on Lego.com Creator.

Joshua is very animate about becoming a Lego Engineer when he grows up. Ariel has added that to her many occupations she plans on doing. Daniel however, well he wants to fly. No, not in a plane or helicopter, he wants to grow wings and fly. He asks me, “Why can’t I have wings like a bird?” at least one time at some point in the day. Who knows, maybe he will one day. They have been on Lego Universe for days as well. Not all day long, but off and on. They have been creating all kinds of things. Ariel has struggled in the past trying to be imaginative with Lego’s. She has always wanted to be able to create things the way that Joshua does. He thinks of something and the next thing you know he was created an entire movie scene and is playing out the story line that is in his head. She can do this with painting and drawing, or writing stories and poetry. She was so excited to discover that she could create things in her head too with Lego’s.

She needed visual instructions for Lego’s though!

I did not pick up on this, until after watching her create some things the other day. She had been watching the Lego designers give step-by-step instructions for building. It all finally clicked for her and then, once she started creating things she had to give me step-by-step instructions on how she build what she created. I have pictures of her doing this with her lamppost. She was very detailed and serious while giving me the instructions. Joshua and Daniel happily played with their Lego creations not desiring to instruct me on anything. They just wanted to play, while Ariel felt it necessary that she share with me how she did it.

Awesome! My kid’s rock!

I cannot help it I have to say it, I love how different they are and how each of them share. It makes me so happy. I better get busy and prepare for the day. I just realized going through this post that I am scripting in my head for social conversations today. How funny, I am telling myself what types of people to speak to and what types not to by reminding myself why I have conversations. Writing this stuff out reminded me that chitchat conversations confuse me, and peoples faces confuse me. I get anxious after-the-fact because I do not understand what, or why they were making a facial expression at me, said something that seemed odd to me, or are responding in a way that I do not understand. I had no idea why I was writing all of that stuff out. Preparation is the name of the game! I am always two-steps behind my brain, and two-steps ahead of my mind. Lol!

Reads others may be interested in also. 

Toxic Relationships in Eating Disorder Recovery

Overcoming Resistance in Binge Eating Disorder Treatment

Treating Mid-Life Eating Disorders

Myths of Forgiveness

3 people like this post.
Unlike
Share
07/22/12

Food Stuff, Diets Egad! Movie & Documentary II

I am very much stuck on the second movie I watched. America the Beautiful 2: The Thin Commandments. (Probably because it is a documentary and I love documentaries.) It made me cry too. I wanted to scoop up all the women in the world who suffer from poor body image, hug them, and cry with them. That says a lot because you know I am not about the hugging! Hee hee There are many aspects of this movie that touched me. I thought it brought some perspective into the dieting industry, trickles of the modeling industry, and different perspectives from people all living their lives on a body image spectrum. One extreme to the other, balance and discontent, eyes blinded and eyes opened. I watched this with a heavy heart for all of those who have fallen for the “diet lie.” I have never been that good at dieting, but good at starving myself.

The western culture seems to thrive on diets. (obsession)

The scale has never been a realistic tool for me. I cannot determine what is the difference between 98 pounds and 130 pounds they look the same in the mirror. I did not have a realistic view of my body when I was pregnant either. Quite honestly, I thought I looked skinnier pregnant with the twins. Explain that! No clue. I thought I was huge with Joshua. See no rhyme or reason to this stuff for me. I found several resources that I plan to devote more time to, but skimmed over today. One was this HEALTHY BODY IMAGE Teaching Kids to Eat and Love Their Bodies Too There is a lot in this, but I am sharing some info about dieting.

Dieting as a solution

There is widespread agreement that, for those who want to lose weight, dieting (eating according
to a prescribed plan to limit food intake with the goal of weight loss) should be part of the
formula. As previously noted, dieting has become a normative eating style in the United States.

The diet mentality remains strong despite significant empirical data and clinical outcomes
showing that restricting calories or food groups for the purpose of weight loss is
counterproductive for weight loss in the long run. In fact, for mentally well individuals, dieting
for weight loss reliably produces results that are not only contrary to sustained weight loss but
frequently result in weight gain. Studies show that dieting behaviors consistently and reliably
lead to:

  • ƒ An increased preoccupation with food and difficulty concentrating on anything else.
  • ƒ A dramatic increase in food cravings, especially for calorie-dense foods, such as sugars
  • and fats.
  • ƒ Irritability and depression.
  • ƒ Decreased metabolic rate.

In the documentary Darryl  Roberts is addressing many issues about dieting and body image in the U.S.

I wanted to shout and get on a blasting horn sharing with people about men who have eating disorders. There is such a stigma and young boys, and men alike are suffering from eating disorders. Their image and appearance is becoming just as important this day, as it has been for girls and women for all of these years. It is something that needs to be talked about and addressed. Eating disorders cause you to live in secret, depression, and shame. Not only that if you have an eating disorder that helps keep you skinny people think it is a good thing. If you are thin, the lie that has been sold to us is that “thin people are healthy.” Believe me there are many thin people out there who are not healthy.

We all have to find our balance. 

Healthy bodies are a spectrum. There is no perfect mold. The thing that matters is accepting yourself right now. After, all of the false ideals, images, stigmas, and comparisons start to fall at your feet then; you can see the beauty and talents that have been there all along. (Waiting to explode and enhance because they finally get the attention they should have had from the beginning .) It may take a change in diet and lifestyle to help the body feel better, and the mind feel more balanced, but it should not become an obsession or a false hope that everything in life will be better now that the body has changed. The mind has to get healthy too. I do not understand why there is so much appreciation for “beauty” instead of intelligence, or talents. Our body images need to become healthy. How do we even determine a healthy way of thinking about body image? I am seeking information on that now. I hope I am making sense, I do not mean to offend anyone. I have seemed to lose my train of thought.

I will end here with some resources and hope that it helps. 

I provide these finds for you to read if interested. I have not read all of them all the way through some I have skimmed, but I will be reading them as I continue to process. They may be a load of hooey or some really great information. I believe I found several great resources – I am only forewarning in case anyone reads something that seems off. I started to get a bit miffed at all of the articles accusing mothers only so I went in search for father influences as well. I am disturbed by the lack of information about boys and men and the fact that eating disorders seem to be only categorized in society’s mind as anorexia and bulimia. Binge eating does not seem to pop in people’s mind when thinking of eating disorders. I decided to read up on it.

“Binge Eating Disorder (BED) is a type of eating disorder not otherwise specified and is characterized by recurrent binge eating without the regular use of compensatory measures to counter the binge eating.” 

Binge Eating Disorder

Understanding Compulsive Overeating (c) Copyright by Judy Lightstone

Eating Disorders in Men

“For years, eating disorders have been viewed as a “white woman’s disease.” And estimates of male eating disorders told a similar story: while the majority of women suffered from eating disorders, only about 10 percent of men did.

Recent research, however, paints a different, bigger picture: more men are suffering from eating disorders than previously thought. Out of 3,000 people with anorexia and bulimia, 25 percent were men (and 40 percent had binge eating disorder), according to a Harvard study.”

Find specific information regarding eating disorders in men and boys.

“While women are more commonly affected by eating disorders, more than a million men and boys battle the illness every day.”

Children and Eating Disorders:A Review of the Literature Emily Major

Healthy body image: Tips for guiding girls

“Make sure your daughter knows that she can always come to you with questions or concerns about her body or self-image.”

Encouraging a Healthy Body Image

Gaining A Healthy Body Image

“More than anyone else, you know your body, and you’re the only one who can determine what foods, exercise programs and amounts of rest will allow you to function in optimal health. Begin making the choices that will lead you there.”

Your Daughter’s Eating Disorder Is Your Fault

How Do Mothers Contribute to Their Daughter’s Eating Disorders and Weight Concerns?

Vicious cycles: mothers, daughters, eating disorders

Dads may influence eating disorders

“The study found that fathers have an important influence on their daughter’s perceptions of their weight and shape during childhood. In fact, they appeared to have a particular influence when it came to the eating disorder, bulimia.”

The Perceived Influence of a Father on His Daughter’s Development

“Available fathers who talked to, praised, and responded to their daughters boost their girls’ social responsiveness and positive feeling about self beyond the level of those girls whose fathers were uninvolved” (Krohn & Bogan, 2001, Secure Foundations section, ¶ 1). A girl’s body image is significantly affected by the culture in which she lives but also by the way men in her life view her and other women. It is far less likely for a girl who has a loving, praising father to succumb to an eating disorder in order to feel better about herself.”

Influence of Parental Eating Disorder on Children

3 people like this post.
Unlike
Share
07/22/12

Food Stuff, Diets Egad! Movie & Documentary I

My mind has been looping and stirring about body image. (As we all know.) Last week, when my sister and nieces came to visit I was struck again with the body image damaging behavior that is rampant in my family. They do not even realize that they are doing it. My niece who is 13 years old showed some comparison behaviors that sent red flags immediately. (It could only be typical teenage behavior, but my family is already prone to this is so I am highly sensitive.) I was ticked off when my sister was watching Ariel flop and flip on our chair and said, “Dang! Look at her abs and she is only seven!” I quickly rebutted with our limited diet and how active the kids are. It is pointless to go into any deep conversations about anything because well…

I got the look from everyone as if I was depriving my children by forcing them to eat “healthy.”

I looked at them and said, “My kids are not deprived. Come on, they get gluten-free Oreo’s, cake and stuff. We get burgers and fries from restaurants.” I felt like I should feel guilty for some reason. I hate that. The main thing that has been taught in this household is that food is an energy source. If we want to feel good and have energy we need to make sure we are eating foods and drinking things that achieve that for our bodies. We want our brains to be focused and alert. We want to feel connected to our food. We do not feel we should eliminate everything things in moderation makes sense. I am not even going into the issue that I have about my daughter’s body image already being pointed out. Leave her alone! I do not want her to even start thinking about that nonsense.

We consciously think about our food.

We are not hyper obsessive, calorie counting, and no sugar; eat only organic, raw foods type of people. I have done a lot of observing with my kids. I have taken notes, and watched their behaviors when they eat certain types of foods. I know my kids and how food and drinks affect them. I think it is very important and until they are old enough to make these decisions for themselves, I will decide for them. I do not buy much junk food, I do get some types of chips, but frankly, I do not find pleasure in eating foods that others find enjoyable. I do not care for soda, in addition to feeling like I am wasting money on empty calories. But that is me, who cares what I am doing!

I have talked about this before, but it really gets me upset.

My kids are happy, healthy, and perfectly fine without any of that stuff. Personally, I would rather spend my money on other things. I do not see the point in giving my kids sugary drinks when they are happy with water. They are happy with 100% fruit juices and no additional sugars added. They are happy with my blueberry muffins made with a little bit of honey. Why would I want to change that, especially when I do not eat that way? I try to buy foods that I know will satisfy them because they eat A LOT! My purpose for food choices I think are logical, I am not a stickler or judgmental toward others. However, I do take offensive when I feel like I am being judged.

I think it is silly to judge me for the choices I make when the person clearly has a choice in what they purchase. 

It is their choice what foods they like, or what they want to spend their money on. People seem to get awkward when they eat sweets, or certain foods around. They never ask me why I am not eating it, or why I have politely refuse to have some. I only receive a look and then, an awkward feel sometimes accompanied with rude comments such as, “I guess that is why you are so lanky.” I have to say no for my kids because I know what it will be like in our household after the consumption. (I usually bring back up food or snacks anyway.) The majority of the time I do not eat foods because they make me terribly ill. I get sick to my stomach, have bathroom problems for days, cannot sleep, or the sight/smell/taste genuinely is making me feel icky. It has nothing to do with discipline, or me wanting to be a healthy eater. My body forces me to be like this on many occasions. My kids suffer from many of these symptoms as well.

I used to eat anything and everything – I had energy, stomach, and mood problems ALL the time. 

I see food as my batteries for my body and mind. I need it to survive and I will use it to get the most energy I can. I am a person of habit when it comes to food for sure. I eat the same breakfast every morning, the same lunch, a variety of different dinners, but with the staples of protein, starch, and veggies. As a snack, if you asked me whether I wanted a bag of chips or a rice cake, I would take the rice cake. Why? Apparently, my taste buds prefer cardboard. :-)  It used to be a means of control, but now I am seeing that I really enjoy these types of foods. Gluten-free foods taste good to me. I would prefer them to southern fried foods any day.

I do enjoy spicy food that feel fresh and clean.

I am referring to things like peppers, or cayenne pepper on things. I have sensory issues with greasy foods, and sweets as well such as them leaving a film on my tongue and teeth, or the grease smelling a certain way. Foods like salad, rice, some fruits do not. They do not upset my stomach either, not sure why spicy stuff does not make me sick. There is no rhyme or reason to my body. It would seem that my taste buds are much like my emotions happy – sad at the same time, bland - spicy at the same time, nothing in between. I got completely sidetracked. The reason I was stuck on food is that it connects to the two movies I watched yesterday morning. (I actually wrote a lot of this yesterday, but I could not publish I was very fragile yesterday.)

The movies made my tears come out in a volcanic eruption.

I finally watched Disfigured and America the Beautiful 2: The Thin Commandments. I could possibly devote two entire posts to these movies, but I need to process the emotions and thoughts I am feeling in the moment. In Disfigured, it went into a direction I had not expected at all. At first, I was trying to get through the awkwardness, and the “indie” type feel that seems to be consuming movies lately. I was also confused by many of the social interactions going on. I did what I normally do and tried to grab hold of the concepts and ultimate goal of the movie instead of trying to figure out what they meant by their odd phone conversations. I was not sure what to expect really, but I did not expect the heavier woman to ask for “anorexic lessons” for real. I think it played out well though. Heads up: There was a sex scene that I fast-forwarded through; I was not in the mood for any of that. I do see the value of what they were trying to convey in the scenes. I would have fast-forwarded any sex scenes because it stirs emotions that I cannot explain.

The other thing is the anorexic woman says, “I am socially retarded. I do not know what other people do.”

I do not think this was an inappropriate use of the word in regards to the context of the character as a whole. However, I know that others are sensitive to the misuse of the “R-word” and I would hate for someone to watch it and be unaware that the word is used. I did not see it as offensive, but others may feel differently. There is so much packed into this movie. I am not sure even where to begin or filter my thoughts. I think it was worth it to watch. I think it deals with some hard issues. I think it exposes people’s prejudice and stigmas that forebodes our society. It reveals how many of us suffer in silence whatever our eating disorders.

It gives perspective of how we need to change our perspective toward people.

The scene that caused me to lose it was, when the heavier woman confronted the anorexic woman about expressing herself. She tells her to cry, or scream and the anorexic woman says, “I can’t do that.” When she said that, my head flood with all of the years that I have hidden my tears. I would not allow myself to cry. I just spoke with my aunt last night she has been having a hard time too, she said, “I will not let myself cry.” I would not eat in front of people, (still at times) I would not feel, or let anyone know my thoughts. I controlled my food intake as well as my emotional intake, and release.

I watched the woman lose it, get angry, scream, and cry.

It took the prodding of her friend to send her over. I watched her lie in her friends lap as she was held, I think for the first time in a genuine caring way. I had flashes of last summer when I laid curled up in a ball on the floor sobbing, not knowing what to do with the intense feelings. The feelings that I have controlled and kept hidden unleashing themselves. I confess religion was a great way for me to stifle emotions. It helped me focus on helping others, and not to help myself. As I watched the movie, I could relate to the anorexic woman very much, there were many things that were familiar. I was never a calorie counter, or obsessive about foods – I would just stop eating. I would binge eat, and then stop eating thinking I had eaten enough for a few days. I used diet pills and cigarettes back in the day. I would be limited on funds and cigarettes were always a priority over food. Insane.

I cannot really write anymore about this movie, it’s too much to process.

Food Stuff, Diets Egad! Movie & Documentary II…

 

Be the first to like.
Unlike
Share
04/12/12

Inspired By…

Today I am sharing an inspiration collage. I am not creating an art piece in the customary sense for a collage to be made. I am creating this piece with people.

“A collage (From the French: à coller, to glue, French pronunciation: [kɔ.laːʒ]) is a work of formal art, primarily in the visual arts, made from an assemblage of different forms, thus creating a new whole.” (Already linked to above.)

This past month so many new people have inspired me that I cannot possibly share them all, but I mention them now creating a visual of all that they share on their blogs. I speak of all the poets, writers, artists, musicians, spiritual influencers, science impacters, techy wonderfulers, math/number guiders, all of the TED video people who have influenced me so much, AND all of the people who share their life stories who are on the autism spectrum and/or have children on the autism spectrum. I know I have left people out, I read many blogs! :-)   Every week I take time to sit down and catch up on blogs that I have subscribed to, while discovering new ones. I usually take about an hour, two days a week to focus on people’s blogs and respond with my “like” button and/or leave comments. I have been trying to comment more because I get so enthused by people sharing themselves through their craft, yes blogging can be considered a craft as well. :-)

I do not take it lightly — I think that it is important.

If I follow someone I put time into reading them, I know that a lot of people do not do that. It’s ok, this is who I am I invest in people as much as I can. I guess I am deemed a “fan of people” a “people groupie”. Today I was incredibly behind, I had almost 400 emails in my account, some of them were not to blogs, but the majority of them were. There are some that I am able to read on a daily basis and able to comment. Others I sometimes have to read come back later, reread, and comment. Unless I am unable to write a quick comment, then I only click “like”. As I sat down, I looked at all of the people floating in my inbox. I went through and read as much as I could. I spent about two hours off and on reading and commenting. Thinking and pondering, enjoying and delighting, my heartbreaking and feeling. I collected all of the people in my mind and my soul, then gathered up their words and  images/art forms wondering how I could connect them all. I decided to write these words as they all soar through my mind their words, and life are acknowledged and creating a beautiful collage. They all inspire me.

Yesterday we had a play date with a new friend.

Our new neighbor has come over several times to talk to me to schedule sometime to get together. I was going to write about my weirdness, and the whole story with that. I am not today. She is a wonderful woman, and her daughter is so cute and such a smart little girl. My guys loved playing with her, and I enjoyed myself very much talking to the mother. However, I have been off all day from a new social encounter, but I do not feel like talking about that. Daniel and Joshua have been off all day as well, there was no formal school today. They were playing so well and they did all day I did not want to ruin it. That is a rarity for them to play well all day, no meltdowns, freak-outs, arguing, social confusions, and/or someone getting hurt. Ariel wanted to be with me all day. Stay with me I will come full circle to inspiration. She sat on my lap as I read my emails, blogs, and left comments. Until…

I showed her the Kitty Blogger.

At that point, she asked if she could go look at it on their computer. She was in there for a few minutes, laughing then asking me to come look at kitty stuff. I showed her my gravatar on some of the posts under “like” after that, she asked if she could read my blog. I asked her which one? She has sat down read my poetry blog before, and told me which ones she liked. She loves all of the images I find. This time she wanted to read the one that I have not shared with many people because it has so much of me on it. I post poems on the fly, music, links (a lot) about pretty much anything. The blog is a Hodgepodge of my brain. I pulled it up for her and off she went reading my blog, watching my videos, and looking at my images. She came in and told me that her favorite video was Akasha Project – “The Quantum Music of Hydrogen” video by Vigor Calma. She said she saw a dragon face fading, flowers, and a tiger face. You would have to watch it to see why. We talked about the video for a while, then she told me that she wanted to paint what she “felt”.

She however, informed me that she did not want to yet.

Instead, she requested to listen to my iShuffle because she wanted to listen to more of my music. She did paint a beautiful picture that I will share below. I share all of this because Ariel inspired me very much today. She is open to learning, she loves life, she is a delight to be around, she asks hard questions, and everyday something is new with her. Don’t get me wrong it is the same with the boys only in a different way. They inspire me too, but today I was not all that inspired by rowdy “Pokémon play.” Here starts the rest of my people collage, I am not able to give all of the ways that they have inspired me so I will share as much as I can. (I apologize ahead of time for not telling all of you that I linked to you — I hope you don’t mind! I am not sure what the blog rules are for that.) Ariel wanted to paint with me, and I have been wanting to try to draw and paint “Goth girls”. I love them. Here are some of my inspirations Mike and Jamie Best. (Robots and Goth Art LOVE!) I was so excited to see such beautiful collages on Lori’s blog A Quiet Week. (Hence, where I was inspired for the word.) She shared with me an artist who inspires her Suzi Blu. I instantly loved her art. This triggered me thinking about my dear bloggy friend Bruce. In the beginning of April, he made a YouTube video that stirred my heart.

I was so excited for him, and he encouraged and inspired me so much.

He is such a wonderful person and so very talented. Here is his video and you can see how he was inspired by Nina. This video has been playing in my head all month. The words he shared moved me deeply, and got me thinking about things that I have not tried because of my perfectionism issues. Nina shared with Bruce to pursue his art “even if it looked like a Pre-K kid did it.” You must go watch to get the full inspiration. :-)   This video flooded me today as Ariel asked to draw and paint with me. I decided to give my Goth girls a try. I will share the pictures below of what Ariel and I made, Joshua joined in later, Daniel didn’t want to. I will show you what he was doing too. Thanks to my good friend Lisa aka. Alienhippy who encouraged me to “try to paint and allow yourself to stim in whatever way you need to”, I have dabbled in trying to paint. I did not try much of any form of art before for various reasons. I will stick to my physical reasons, but negative interactions caused me to feel like I could not. I also have such a hard time with my hand coordination, and tasks like writing, painting, drawing, using scissors, etc… It can hurt or cramp my hands. I also can get freaky about paint or any substance being on my hands.

However, I decided to give it a try over the summer.

I have found a new and very helpful stim that helps calm some of my anxiety, and uncontrollable loops. In recent months, I have also been inspired to allow my silly side out more. I tend to hold my silliness in because I can be WAY out there sometimes, or a complete goof. I was inspired by Sam at Everyday Asperger’s , her friend “Crazy Frog” suggested I let my silly side out more. And I have listened to Crazy Frog and have gained so much understanding about others, and myself. I have felt such peace and have had great laughter from reading her blog. However, letting my silly out and being more social can trigger some serious anxiety, sometimes I am not even aware that I am feeling excited energy from being social on the internet. I think it is because I do invest time into reading people’s blogs, and I give a piece of myself every time I share my words with them. I don’t mind, I love it — I forget how much it can take out of me though. This leads into some others who inspired me this month, Inner Aspie has helped me in many areas, but one specifically has been my issues with anorexia and dysmorphia. I have not found many other Aspie’s sharing about this.

There have been some days that are hard.

I do not want to diet, or try to lose weight. I do not want to think about it, but my mind goes directly into “image attack” if anxiety, or random fears pop up. It is not about being skinny, and just because you are thin does not mean there are no problems. I am not tackling that cultural thing right now. She has inspired me to accept things about anorexia and dysmorphia issues. I was not facing them — I have been beating myself up because I immediately go there when things start to fluster me. My body refuses food — I have to force down bland noodles or rice, and broccoli on good days if I am overcome with confusion and anxiety. I lost almost 20 pounds over the summer, I did not need to. I did my best at forcing me to eat, but it was a struggle with my mind. I have to fight it, and I have gotten a lot better, but I also have held on to shame and guilt about it. I am done talking about this. Now it’s out there I am inspired to move forward and heal. Thanks to Inner Aspie I was led to Carrie’s post about meltdowns at  Parenting with Asperger’s. Ironically, that very night after reading it I had the worst meltdown I have had in over 10 years. I may blog about it I don’t know yet.

I shared with Carrie in my comment that I still had guilt and shame after a meltdown.

That night I struggled so much. I was feeling social stress, and anxiety for various reasons. I was nervous, excited, and happy about our play date. There were many contributing factors, but what set me off in a rage was I thought David said I was acting like a seven year old. He did not, but that is what I heard and before I knew it my body was taken over facing all of my ex’s, my mom, and various other people in my life demeaning me telling me that what I felt or did was childish or juvenile. I had no control over myself, and thankfully, I had her blog to remind me what it is actually like when a meltdown happens. Of course, I apologized — he did too for his part in the whole episode. I will skip all of that for now. Then, today I was also inspired by Aspergirl Maybe, she has been inspiring me ever since I started reading her blog. Her strength, courage, honesty, and faith have inspired me in so many ways. As I read her post today, I was struck with how brave she has been to make the decisions she has, and the ability to follow through to take charge of her life. It inspires me to stay the course, and keep trying to stay focused on the directions I need to take in my own life.

Another person is Kirsten’s blog, quirky and laughing.

She shared the Autism Positivity Week post, and for the first time in my life I could actually write something positive about myself, share it with others on another blog  and not feel guilt or like someone was going to come along and tell me that what I said was not true. Or accuse me of bragging, or being prideful. Rachel was one of the first blogs I found of an adult autistic she has inspired me in many ways on her personal blog, but the Autism and Empathy site has inspired me beyond words. It is packed full of a wonderful collage of people, and very beneficial information. My Goodness there are so many people I wish I could add on here, but I have made this far longer than I expected.

I forced myself to limit it to the last couple of weeks.

Plus, I am now teary-eyed and I hate crying so I am going to stop before the flood starts. I hope this post has inspired others, reveals what an impact all of you who share and write make in our community. Our sharing leads to more sharing, which leads to more people stepping out and trying. Creating magnificent pieces of art whether with materials or in each of our hearts. This to me shows our vast spectrum, our individuality, and our hearts to want to share, make a difference in our world, and help others. We can shake mountains with our inspiration. Thank you all for inspiring me in so many ways and helping me to step out. Who is inspiring you? How are they? Be sure you tell them, you never know how your inspiration can lead into unfolding a bunch of others to be inspires too. Now for some pictures! Even if they look like a Pre-k kid did it, I made some Goth girls and I love them! (I now have the courage to practice.)

Added 4/13/2012 (AM): Bruce has on his bulletin “Please pray for Nina! She is in the ICU.”  Please keep her in your prayers, positive vibes, and /or happy thoughts!

You can click on the pictures for captions.


 


3 people like this post.
Unlike
Share
02/4/11

Well This Would Explain Some Things

After thinking more about body dysmorphia and if or how it could be connected to people on the autism spectrum, I went looking for information to see if there was any. This was prompted by me writing a post called  My “Flaws” That Led to Dysmorphia. I did not find much on the two being connected, I did find some people diagnosed with both Aspergers and BDD but no real information so far. What I did find was this article on Scientific America More Than Meets the Mirror.

What really stood out to me was the study they mentioned.

They claim that “A new study shows that the way people perceive their external appearance is likely linked to how they experience their bodies internally.” I have not read the study yet I am going to later when I have more time. I see a clear connection for me about the external and internal because I feel and always have felt disconnected from my body. The only times I feel whole are when I am writing, dancing or singing which normally involves dancing. :-) I will explain it like this, during the day when I am doing other tasks like picking up, cleaning something, making meals, walking to the car, all of the movements that my body are making feel foreign. I have to think about what I want body to do. Maybe the best way to describe it is to show it.

The Brain in his mechanical suit.

That was the best clip I could find, but when Brain is trying to control his movements with controls that is what I feel like when I am trying to use my body. I feel like a brain in a mechanical suit that I cannot control very well. When I write, the words flow directly through my hands and they just seem to connect with no problems. I don’t have to constantly think about the mechanical process of writing, because when I write it just seems to come naturally. I feel the same thing with dancing. If I feel forced to write something or when I am nervous about the social situation of writing, like comments or emails to people then it takes a bit more concentration and quite a bit longer.

I can see where my disconnect to my internal body would make me distorted to my external appearance.

My brain would seem to be unable to get an accurate perception of what I see because it doesn’t “feel” like me. Since I feel that I am an unreliable source for my own body, naturally I would look to other people for their input on the matter. While collecting data in my mind about myself, it would seem that I took more of the negative comments because they seemed to be more and applied them to myself. I would take in the information, hear that I was ugly, gross, fat etc… and then say well this is the image that others see so it must be the true image. My motor-spacial disconnect made me not have an accurate view of myself.

Interesting about anorexia nervosa, they say that patients still think they “need to lose weight even as their bodies waste away”.

Yesterday in my post I wrote about how my thinking has dramatically changed but when I get stressed out I begin to focus on my weight. I will begin to obsess about loosing 10 pounds and secretly think of diet plans and exercises that I can do. The difference now is that I see the pattern and tell David or I force myself to read things about normal body weight and the dangers of excessive exercise or what lack of food can do to the body. I no longer stay silent, I write about it in prayer and ask for help with seeing the right way. I do not know if I will ever have an accurate view of my body or if I will ever completely stop trying to control my weight when I am under stress, but at least now I have a strong support system in this area and people who may not understand but they will help me.

The only thing that saved me from starving myself in the past were my friends or family commenting about me being too skinny.

My fear of them finding out would trump my need to lose weight. In a sense it made me feel that I was in control because I could determine if I gained weight or lost weight. The obsessive need to weigh myself, monitor how much food intake I had and constantly thinking about it was still there but I was very good at keeping it secret. In a way I felt it was all I had that no one else could take from me. Exposing these things and talking about them definitely starts the process of healing. I know that part of this has been the reason for my social anxiety. But understanding why my brain would even go there would be a great thing to know. Why would I take what women said about their bodies as a comparison to my body? Why would I believe that if someone said that some feature on me was big or gross that it was true and then feel guilt for them having to look at me? Why would I justify that I have a legitimate flaw because of my birthmark and feel that I deserved for people to feel uncomfortable around me?

Why? I don’t know but this not being able to sense my internal body does sound plausible to me.

There is another thing that I have witnessed with my sisters, they have a food obsession. They love food. They are emotional eaters and I do not understand that. They do not understand how my mom and I cannot eat when we are upset and we cannot understand how they can eat when they are upset. It’s just one of those things that we do not understand and let it go. My sisters act as though they are happy with their image but then a large portion of their conversations are self-destructive talk. I do not know if it is learned, they really believe it or if they too have a jaded view of themselves. Maybe all of the above. I tell them that it is not true or not to say those things but it doesn’t stop. They get mad at mom when she has said things about being too big, it makes them very angry. But now I am wondering if my mom is having the same issue as myself. I know that she only feels really connected to her body and mind when she is painting. Hm…There could be something to this.

What about any of you, do you experience any internal/external disconnect? Any problems with appearance from that perspective?


Be the first to like.
Unlike
Share
02/3/11

My “Flaws” That Led to Dysmorphia

Today I read this article The XYZ’s of Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD), I read about BDD maybe about a year ago. David was the one that actually brought it to my attention and said that I seemed to have body dysmorphia because of my delusional description of my body on many occasions. Along with my obsessive weighing, not looking in the mirror and my obsessive worrying about hairs, like with my eye brows. I do not seem to show clear traits of OCD so he felt that this was more accurate and that maybe I would find some answers if I researched it. I have a very hard time seeing my body in an accurate way. I believe this started when I was around five years old with my body weight, I talk about that somewhat in my post Aspergers and Anorexia. Body dysmorphia seems to be a trait with my mother and several of the family members on my dad’s side, including the males.

I have an additional “flaw” that people really started to point out as I got older.

I have a birthmark on the side of neck. It is port wine in color and only about an inch of it shows on the side of my left jaw area, the rest of it is about 6 inches along the side of my neck all the way to my head, and it goes into my hair-line. When I was a baby it actually took up most of my neck. It is not a dark purple, some people have asked me if I have had treatments because it does look a bit faded but I have not had treatments. It is really only noticeable when I wear my hair up. As I got older I kept my hair very long so I could cover it up from people. I hid behind my hair for a very long time.

I had people and kids make mean and rude comments to me all of my life about it.

I did try make-up but my sensory issues could not handle it, I can’t stand foundation or pancake make-up on my neck at all. My mom and I discussed doing treatments when I was around 16 yrs old, she told me that she didn’t see any reason for me to do it but that if it was such a source of pain for me that she would be willing to pay for the procedures. She told me to think about it on my own and make my own decision. I talked to some family members and friends and all of them said that it wasn’t noticeable to them and it didn’t make me ugly. I wanted so much to believe them. I based my decision on the fact that I felt like I was the way that I was supposed to be and if I were to go through treatments, it wouldn’t be for me it would be for the acceptance of people. I decided then and there to never consider it again.

Even though I made that decision it was still hard.

People can be cruel. Since I had long hair I would always put it on top of my head in silly styles just to get it up out of my face, I would forget that I even had a birthmark. Though, I purposely would lay out in the sun and get as dark as possible to ensure that it would look lighter. Then while working, minding my business or being out and about at a restaurant or store, someone would say “What is that on the side of your neck?” “What happened to you?” “Did you get burned or something?” “You know you can have that thing removed.” All kinds of comments that for some reason society feels the need to say to someone who has a difference. I have to confess on the day the woman told that I could “have that thing removed” I looked right at her and said “Well then I would be just like you. I like me for me.” She was taken back and stumbled on her words trying to sound like she didn’t mean them offensively. I am sure she meant well but on that day I was amazed at the words that flew out of my mouth.

On that day I actually stood up for myself.

Even though I didn’t feel that I should have my birthmark removed, I still would be affected by the rude comments people would say. But I did not let it stop me, one year I got fed up with having long hair, it was too much to take care of, so I cut it all off  up to my jaw line. There was my birthmark out and open for all to see. I lived in a city where people didn’t much care, it was too big and too diverse for most people to notice my birthmark. When I moved back to my hometown, to various other cities that were quite a bit smaller, including this one, people were quick to point out my “flaw”. By this time though I would just be polite and tell them it was a birthmark and smile. But I still felt the impact of the pain, the hurt. It still happens and people close to me don’t think anything of it. David and I will be out and someone will stop and stare, gawk and I just look at them like “WHAT?” on some days I have said it out lout, I admit.

David has no clue what is happening until I tell him.

Same with my mom, my sisters no one ever thinks of it but they have never been ridiculed or pointed out for having such a flaw. They don’t see it, they see me, it is part of me and to them it is not ugly or a flaw. As I am writing this now I am getting a bit teary eyed, I haven’t thought about the pain and the fixation that this had caused me with my appearance. Reliving those experiences are hurtful, I would like to say that it stopped into my adulthood but unfortunately adults still say the same things as the kids did in school to this day. The difference now is that I understand how that and my weight were triggers for me to have such a jaded and inaccurate view of myself. As I read over the article I realized how much I have grown, though I still do not see an accurate view of my body or even my birthmark, I intellectually know that what I see is not true.

I have been able to overcome my eating disorder.

I have also been able to overcome a lot of my dysmorphia thinking, through applying cognitive behavioral type therapy at home. I have changed my way of thinking about all of this and David has built into me to help me have a better self-image. He hasn’t told me what to think he has just been a positive reenforcer during my struggles. It helps that he lets me talk about just whatever. In this particular area though he told me that I needed to get a positive self-image for Ariel and the boys. The things that my mom says about herself are not true, she still does it and it has been damaging to me and my sisters about our own self-image. She is working on it and we have been talking about it because David made a very good point by helping me to realize that if I did this in front of Ariel she could have the same problems. That made me more aware of what my mom says around Ariel as well and I explained it to my mom. She has gotten more receptive in this and doesn’t want to influence Ariel in this either.

Though my mom tried to make me confident in who I was she diminished a lot of it with her own self-destructive talk.

The obsessive weighing myself has stopped, I am letting myself be at a normal weight without doing negative talk, I am not concerned with hiding my birthmark, and I am feeling pretty good with where I am at. I have come a long way in this area in the past year and I hope to continue. Dysmorphia is not about vanity, I am not sure how it affects someone on the autism spectrum. I believe the reasons for dysmorphia may be different from other people though. My whole reasoning for hiding my birthmark was so I would not upset others. I felt bad for making people feel uncomfortable. When it came to my weight, the first reason was to make my boyfriend happy or my mom proud of me for being skinny. My mom never put those terms on me but in my mind her concerns about weight and image meant that. The boyfriends who said that I needed to lose weight were trying to control and manipulate me. My eventual obsession turned into my need to try to control my own world. My weight was the only thing I could control solely.

I don’t know if others have had these issues or not but I felt such a release and sense of achievement from reading that today that I had to write about it.

Be the first to like.
Unlike
Share
05/4/10

Aspergers and Anorexia

I have been reading quite a bit in the past several weeks about this new information that Anorexia could be connected to Asperger’s. My reasons are because I suffered from anorexia and would like to know. The sudden interest once again is linked to my family situation that I am currently working through, because I cannot eat. Whenever I am upset I can’t eat. So that triggered me looking into this once again.

There was a time when I made myself stay at 99 lbs.

All through my early 20′s I would not let myself get over the 99 mark. If I did I would stop eating. I was broke most of the time and couldn’t afford food so to remedy this I took diet pills. No one ever knew until I told them. I would eat and I can eat! I have now discovered that I would binge eat. I could throw down two Big Macs, a large fry, chicken nuggets and be hungry again in about an hour. Not really impressive though, if you don’t eat for days it is very easy to eat a ton of food.  But I did eat quite a lot however, it was always like once a day so I made sure people saw me. Easy enough. At least I had a mark though, I knew I couldn’t go lower than 99 lbs but I had a secret goal of 85 lbs, I never made it thank God!

I had a hard time dealing with my 100 lb pound mark.

People started to take notice of my size so if I could say that I was 100 lbs I figured that was good. Along the way I had people who cared about me tell me that I was just too small. And eventually I did get to 105 lb and stayed there until my second divorce and then I went back down to 100 lb because I had no money for food and I was upset a lot and was unable to eat. When David came around his goal was to fatten me up. I was sick, my color was bad, I was not in good shape at all. I was skinny but in bad shape. I did get back up to 105 lb, freaking out the whole time but I was there when I got pregnant. I was very concerned with my weight when I got pregnant and I was concerned that I would gain a ton and never lose it.

I quickly got over that and felt the health of my children were much more important than my weight.

I gained a ton and I gained a ton with Joshua as well. It took forever to lose the weight but I have lost weight and I am at a healthy size. There is no need to disclose that information but I am exactly where I am supposed to be for my height and age. It has taken a lot to over come and I still haven’t in some areas, when I look in the mirror I see a very large person. I think that my stomach is huge. I feel on some days that I am just disgusting, though I know it is not true I cannot fight what my eyes see. My husband has loved me and has thought that I am beautiful no matter what size I have been and that is pretty much all I need. I do need his input to help reassure myself that I am not as big as our house.

Interestingly, I do not see others like this at all.

Everyone else to me is the same, there is no difference in shapes, size, height whatever. Everyone seems to be my age or younger and average size. It is only when it is brought to my attention like someone saying “Oh I have a big butt” or “I look fat”. Then I am aware of their shape and if they are skinny I am like “You are ridiculous, why are you saying that”  if they are large I inappropriately say “Yes, you do look large” or I say nothing at all. Because I remember I am not supposed to say the other thing. Although, if I ask David if I look large or bad in something I fully expect him to tell me and he is quite honest with me all the time. And I appreciate that.

So now that they are doing studies  about autism and anorexia, along with other eating disorders I find it quite interesting and will stay on top of it.

Our family has a predisposition so I want to be aware and watch for any signs. Appearance isn’t really a big deal in our household and my issues, David and I have kept between us so that the kids will not hear it or be influenced by it as I am still over coming things. They seem to be perfectly happy with their bodies and unaware of any eating issues. I take great comfort in that because I remember when I was 5 yrs old, that is the time that I had become aware of my weight. My pediatrician told my mom that if I did not stop eating the way I did that I would become obese. I was not a large child, I was just an eater, still am. I remember from that day on, I thought that I was fat.  And so the eating disorder began. Food and  nutrition were not explained to me and either was this comment. I took it, held on to it and used it as my spring-board to make sure that I would never become obese.

It’s those kinds of things that really need to be clarified to any child but especially those who are on the autism spectrum.

My situation was enhanced by my mothers obsession with her weight, my boyfriends who told me I was fat and the many media outlets that informed me of what I was supposed to look like. I also think that I wanted control over something because my whole life had no control. So controlling my weight and cutting myself were a means of feeling something and feeling in control. No one could make me gain weight and no one knew that I was cutting myself. They were mine. I would like to know how much cutting plays a roll in eating disorders as well.

Here are some articles that I found quite interesting.

http://autism.about.com/b/2007/08/23/are-asperger-syndrome-and-anorexia-connected.htm

http://autismaspergerssyndrome.suite101.com/article.cfm/aspergers_syndrome_and_anorexia

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/trisha-gura/anorexia-wired-like-asper_b_61506.html

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/health/features/article2272080.ece

1 person likes this post.
Unlike
Share