Alright, I can’t snap out of it. I need to let this out because I am on the verge of tears. I really dislike when I am like this because I wish I didn’t feel like curling up in a ball and crying, but the truth is I do! Many contributing factors I know – it doesn’t stop me feeling overwhelmed and angry.
Starting with last night.
David was running around, all chaotic, actually, since he discovered he was traveling to San Fransisco. I understand I would be that way too, but it makes us all on edge and it makes me want to shutdown into my own world. Last night, I was working on a story, I needed to get it out. I needed downtime, but there continued to be interruptions. Then, we HAD to get the Google+ hangout thing set up so he can talk to the kids while he is gone, right in the middle of me trying to edit. I was so close to finishing. I just needed to finish, but nope. The problem was timing.
My brain was trying to get calm, but it was an inconvenient time for my need for calmness.
Finally, I was able to finish. However, since my flow continued to get broken my brain never got what it needed to find peace. We were all feeling wired because we had to get up and take him to the airport. We had to leave home by 5:30am. Because I continued to get interrupted it took me much longer to finish and the kids stayed up later than usual. David hung out with them while I was trying to write, and they were all loud!
Oh, and I have had to the dishes by hand for the past week!
If there is one thing I detest it is doing the dishes. It sends my sensory issues into places unknown. I am not complaining, I am only stating the fact that it can be physically painful for me to do the dishes. Usually, David does the dishes when the dishwasher is not broken. I do have to wear headphones and check out because he hates the dishes too, and he takes his anger out on them which makes very loud excruciating pain into my ears. I have been doing them so he could focus on getting ready for his trip.
I think it is taking it’s toll on me.
Ok, so lingering anxiety the dishwasher is broken. We have been waiting for someone to come out and replace it. Hoping they would come last week, no such luck. Instead, they are coming tomorrow. I found out last night. Fine. I had prepared myself for the millions of questions that the kids will ask about the new dish washer, the guys who will come and install it, and continually telling Daniel: “Do not rub on the maintenance men!”
He likes to rub people, some people are not fond of that.
So after, this morning taking David to the airport, answering the quadrillion questions about the airport, California, my new iPhone, and again for the umpteenth time why daddy is going – I was shocked to hear the doorbell ring. When I looked out the window seeing the big white maintenance type truck I knew I had to open the door. Normally, I would not.
I opened the door and the guy was so rude!
He walked into the house without my invite spitting out the words: “I need to measure the blinds, and I am going to replace them.” I moved out of the way so I wouldn’t be trampled and said: “I didn’t know you were coming.” He said quite abruptly: “I called the number and left a message.” while turning his back on me. We gave them my new number, he did not call. He must have called our land line, which the only phone is upstairs so I didn’t hear it. The kids started to swarm him and study him, then they came after me with questions.
He measured and said: “I’ll be back in a little bit to replace them.”
Already I was thrown, and Daniel kept asking the “Why” questions. He has also started a new stim that consists of making loud repetitive noises with his mouth that can either be him blowing his lips, or sounding like a screeching elephant, stepping on porcupines. Ow! Ow! Ow! He gets louder when others are making noises that are bothering him.
I was so upset because our day had been going pretty well.
We were all happy and calm when we got home. There was a nice settling going on and then, this man came and ruined it! In the midst of this few hour fiasco David starts messaging me to let me know he arrived at his first stop. Ariel has taken to texting so she is on top of each new message that comes through. I am rather happy because it is nice to have a little scribe while I am busy doing other things. At one point, I ended up with two kids on the potty, and the guy banging on the door. Joshua had to open the door because I was cleaning Ariel and then, had to run to the other potty to clean Daniel. (I told Joshua to check to see if it was the guy before opening the door.)
My iPhone was buzzing and I was starting to dislike my new iPhone friend.
The guy put up the blinds and noticed that the front door wouldn’t close. The last maintenance guys tried to fix it, but it didn’t work. He didn’t even look at me and asked: “Is this broken?” in an annoyed voice. Not that I wanted him to look at me, but I don’t know… I do not know how to explain it – his attitude was rough, and rude. His words may not have been bad, but I felt like he was attacking me the whole time. He was just a jerk!
He tried to fix it and he couldn’t.
He got frustrated, went out to his truck, and came back with a heavy duty power drill. He then, proceeded to use it stripping the screws and making a high-pitched screeching sound. I almost started crying it ripped through my body, I ran to Daniel to cover his ears, and told Ariel to get his head phones. The man heard me, saw Daniel AND Daniel’s face that had turned pale and that his eyes were in shock!
I lost my words.
I couldn’t tell him to stop, I just wanted him to hurry up and get out. Daniel was fine after he got his headphones on, until later. Joshua kept getting close to the guy and getting into his space, Ariel was lingering too and I didn’t want them near him. I couldn’t handle his vibe, and I didn’t want the kids around it. I made them go into the living room, and I started doing the dishes.
He said something about them being alright.
I didn’t care, I couldn’t stay in there to keep an eye on them. I couldn’t take the sounds – I was feeling myself welling up. If he wasn’t finished soon I was going to freak out on him. He finished within a few minutes of my almost meltdown on him. As he was walking out I said: “Thank you.” (Because it is a script.) He replied back: “Yeah.” When I went to lock the door I realized that he put the door knob on upside down!! My door handle is all messed up!! AND my door is covered in black grease finger prints.
Daniel went into a meltdown shortly after.
That one only lasted about 15 minutes, the last one was about an hour. He has been ok since, but not me! Joshua has lost it too, but only once. It is so infuriating. The management people know that we have an autistic child! We have told them what they need to do if they plan on fixing anything or coming into our home! I know that they must not have “explained” this to the maintenance man. I would have spoken up had I not been taken by surprise by him showing up and being so rude.
I was so angry that I called him a jerk several times.
I do not normally do that, especially in front of the kids. I think it has been just a bit much for me though. I had planned that today would be a good day for us to gain some peace and calmness. I had hoped this week would be calm, but no! The fridge guy is coming at some point too and they will not tell me when! We told them about the fridge like 6 months ago, and they have to pick this week? Urrg!
Did I mention the cat is running around the house howling and getting obsessive about the birds and lizards outside? Oh, and said cat is the reason for the need for new blinds because he tries to catch lizards threw the window that is shut. Um, yeah… It’s a good thing I adore him so. I feel better, the tears have left me. I am finding my calm. I will leave with some important life lessons my children taught me today.
Here is part of the conversion the kids and I had during lunch.
Me: Oh! I am still so angry!
Ariel: At who that guy still?
Daniel: (filled with giggles and a soft sweet voice) He’s a jerk, why is he a jerk? What is a jerk?
Me: Yes, Ariel. Daniel don’t call him a jerk, I shouldn’t have said that. He just wasn’t very nice and upset me.
Joshua: Ha ha ha He’s a jerk.
Me: (laughing I couldn’t help it) Joshua don’t say that.
Ariel: It’s in the past.
Me: I know it’s in the past, but he ruined my whole day.
Ariel: Jesus rule.
Joshua: Yes! The Jesus rule.
Me: What is the Jesus rule? Forgive and forget?
Ariel: Look it’s in the past, let it go. Jesus rule, in-the-past. You don’t have to worry about it.
Me: (eye roll, with a growl) It’s hard for me to do that.
Daniel: Why is he a jerk? Why can’t I say jerk? (laughing because he is saying it on purpose)
Joshua: See it’s over now, he is gone, so it is in the past.
Me: Yes, I understand, but I am still having a hard time not being upset.
Joshua: Well come here and I will bang it out of your head. (Laughing, literally wanting to remove the thoughts from my head.)
Me: No, we don’t bang things out of peoples head. You guys are right, the Jesus rule. However, I am not sure I can do it.
Ariel: (Shoulder shrug) Well, Jesus rule, it’s in the past.
She also informed me that I should just go read to calm down. Ha ha ha!