04/3/12

Fragmented Thoughts

I have had to take a break from blog reading. There are so many wonderful posts that are being written, and other ones…I am not in the mood to write a post about autism. My brain reflects my different way of thinking, and truth be told several posts from people have caused me social confusion. I want to keep it light today, but I am hoping to focus on autism and self-awareness in the weeks to come. I am torn this year about all of this “awareness” going on. I am frustrated and excited at the same time. I see so many new bloggers, and people on the spectrum sharing their stories. I find that to be so great! I am also enthusiastic to see many more parents writing about autism acceptance. However, I am still faced with the reality that others feel this is a disease that needs a cure. In recent days this has happened several times in my own person life.

We are constantly balancing between spectrums.

At times it feels very much like we are given a “one or the other” choice. Still I will focus on all of the positives that I see. However, because of all of these wonderful posts, “other” posts, and personal experiences with negative spins my brain is racing and soaring in all directions. I have so many things that I want to share, but cannot find my words. Instead, I will share some pictures, and the three little ones that fill me with joy along with coercing me into a freezing ocean today. Oh, Oh! I got a picture of my $5.00 Macy’s coat too. :-) Please, please brain get yourself together!

Alright, alright I cannot leave without sharing some resources.

Stigma and the “Othering” of Autism

Autism Awareness is Not Enough: Here’s How to Change the World

How Asperger’s syndrome affects creativity

Monkey and Autism Acceptance Month

Autism Understanding and Acceptance

Autism and Empathy

Zoey ~ My Autism Greeting

Video by stark.raving.mad.mommy


 

 

 

 

 

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04/2/12

I’m Baaaaccckkkk!

On Friday, I was a complete spaz! Actually, all week I was off and on again with being calm, excited, sad, or plain goofy. My anxiety was tiptop! I soared with good and bad anxiety it was fueled by anticipation. All kinds of anticipation. You name it I probably thought of it and tried to prepare for it. Anyone ever see Doomsday Preppers I could have been placed in that category until the last hour before my mom came to pick me up. However, it was only mentally, I had not prepared for anything in the physical realm. I finally was able to pack, get showered, gather snacks, and water for the two and half hour trip an hour before mom got here. After about thirty hugs from the kids, mom and I were off to Savannah. When we got into the car both of us were calm and excited. (Before you go any further, I did get sidetracked and seem to be bouncing in different directions in this post. It also contains a numerous amount of smiley faces. You have been warned.  :-) )

The road trip was awesome.

It was the first time my mom and I have had solid hours of uninterrupted conversation since…I think my sister was born! :-) Many things were discussed — I am not sure how we ended up on one particular conversation, but we did.  Most likely, it was me because it was about relationships and I have a special interest when it comes to relationships. This led to our discussion about her ex-husband. It transpired into how he ended up leaving. I am not sure if I have shared the story before, but I am not going to share all of the details today. During this particular discussion, my mom triggered a key event that I had blocked completely. I did not realize the trauma I went through, or that I completely blocked it. My mom was out of town for a week for work when the event happened. While she was gone, I found my stepfather with another woman. A woman that I had already caught him on the phone with overhearing him tell her that he loved her. I had also already busted him with bags of marijuana.

I told my mom previously about the phone situation and the marijuana.

When I walked in on them, I freaked out and called my mom. She shut down and could not do anything about it because she was three states away. She had to stay for her job, and she said that she would take care of it when she got home. The short story was I lied to my stepfather and told him that mom said he had to leave. I took care of my two baby sisters for that week. I ended up skipping school the entire time and got expelled. (I got back in, but that is another long story.) I cannot recall everything that was going on, but I was in an abusive relationship myself. I believe I was around 15 years old. I am not able to think of the dates at this time. It is all a blur, but what freaked me out was that I completely blocked the incident. It made me wonder about other things that I have completely blocked. I am not planning on recalling any blocked memories at this point. This was enough thank you very much! I share this story though because what I did to myself caused me serious damage all of these years.

I took on the guilt, and felt like a horrible person for lying to get him out of the house.

I somehow twisted the events, and turned the trauma onto myself. I blamed myself for thinking badly about him because I did not remember what I had seen. I felt somehow I was to blame even though the only thing I did wrong was get a lying, cheating, pothead jerk away from me, and my sisters! (Even if it was their father) He also stole money from my mom, who happened to be making substantially more, he got her in serious debt taking checks out of sequence, and hiding it from her. She did not find that out until the bank called her telling her what her overdraft was. She was 6 months pregnant with my younger sister when that happened. She felt stuck, and didn’t know how or what to do. The stigma of being a single mom and getting another divorce was weighing on her, she was pregnant, now in horrible debt, working 50 or more hours a week — just to share a few things going on in our life. She didn’t know what to do with me catching him with the other things I discovered as well. I would have made an awesome private detective!

I took the reins and got rid of him.

Mom thought he left on his own and he thought mom told him to leave. I have felt so horrible all of these years, and even convinced myself that maybe I did the wrong thing. After mom reminded me of what I saw, it was as if I was standing in the room and I relived the entire moment. I remember details of the curtains, the couch, the lighting in the room, everything! Now that I remember, I have had all of that guilt wash off of me. Sure maybe I should have let mom handle it, but to be honest I could not live in that house with him one more second. I didn’t even want to share the same air with him. I HAD to get him out. I knew that mom and I would be fine. We did fine without him — he had already disconnected from my sisters. It was a mess. So the Savannah trip turned out to be much more healing than I thought it would be. In many ways, not only for me, but for mom too. She has held on to guilt about divorcing the #@@!@@#$# that’s all I will say.

Our trip was awesome!

We did not get to go to all of the museums, and houses that we would have liked to because it rained. We did get stuck in the rain, got lost in circles because we got disoriented, and almost had a meltdown on each other. In the past, the whole indecent would have ended with us yelling at each other. Instead, here is what happened, we had to catch the shuttle by 2:30pm it was 2:05pm pouring down rain, she kept confusing me because she had the map backwards, we finally figured it out. We had been walking under huge trees that kept the rain semi-tolerable, but in order to get to the shuttle we had to walk out in wide open spaces, when we did the rain started coming down harder. I said: Oh, it’s getting worse” (referring to the rain) my mom snaps: “How can it be any worse than this?”

Immediately my brain starts thinking of all of the worst possible situations.

Being stuck in the rain, walking in circles, in Savannah, GA was not that bad at all. We could ask someone to help us, we could get a cab, we could go find a place to buy an umbrella, and on and on my brain went. It was not bad at all even though it was very frustrating, and I hate getting wet. The rain did hurt my skin and I was having a lot of issues, but for me it was not as bad as it could be. For my mom it was the absolute worst thing in the entire world ever! This is where the fights would start — I would take her quite literally and tell her how it could be much worse. She would take me quite literally and start telling me how horrible it actually was back and forth until finally one of would blow. This time I looked up at the sky when she said it and said: “I meant the rain is coming down harder, I was talking about the rain.”

We almost lost it on each other too when we could not find a place to eat.

We do not do well when we are both hungry. I am not going in sequence, sorry. The day before the wonderful drive ended up with us stopping at two La Quinta’s asking where ours was because I thought mom printed out Google map directions, but NO! She had an actual map from 2005 for Savannah! I cannot read regular maps in a car. I get dizzy, I cannot make sense of them, and they get all blurry, and cause me to panic. I NEED PICTURES! I need tons of landmarks to look for. I need exit numbers. I need approximate distance of time. I need anything to help me know that I am not lost. I like regular maps at home when I am not traveling. If I am traveling, I need every detail possible. I told her to pull off and ask someone and she did. We found it and it was not hard at all. We seemed to be running a pattern during the weekend though, “If only we would have a gone a little bit farther.”

Still we had a ball.

We laughed, got on each other’s nerves, I danced all over the place she ignored me, (It was just like when I was a kid…good times.) we ate some great food; she talked me into going to Macy’s. We each got $90 coats from Macy’s for $5.00! WHAT? Yes, we did! Quadruple awesome clearance sale!  My mom’s favorite stores are Macy’s, Dillard’s, some other fancy schmancy stores. She used to shop there all the time….when she had money and a reason to buy that attire. :-)   Me? I got excited about all of the lampposts, trees, and birds that were around! I got a little obsessive with taking pictures of doors, as well as the others I mentioned. I tried to get ghosts to talk to me, but none would. I had all kinds of birds talk to me though. I managed to make one frustrated and he went after mom, he flew right past her head within inches! My bad! Good thing she is not afraid of them. My sister on the other hand would have attacked me had that happened. I don’t understand it her name is Athena I would think she would love birds. :-)

We plan on going back because I did not get to see Bonaventure Cemetery.

I have to go back and see it. We did see Forrest Gump — he hopped onto our trolley for a moment. :-)   I did not see any feathers, but there was a plastic bag floating that made me think of this scene from American Beauty. I think that sums up what I was feeling sometimes while walking around Savannah. All of the tragedy that fills the history of the town is too much to take in. BUT the beauty that fills the place was too much to take in as well. As I listened to the facts and information, I wanted more. I wanted to know more. I wanted to get down on my hands and knees and study the bricks in the roads. I wanted to run my fingers along the train tracks. I wanted to look into every door, but I got sidetracked by the beauty of the cracks and lines, and crookedness of the sidewalks from trees deep old roots that reveal history and life. The roots carry the memories of the people who walked those streets good and bad. The shutters that were crooked gave buildings character. It was too much to take in for a short weekend.

That morning we went to get on our shuttle mom and I were both a little anxious.

We walked into to the lobby and it was full of college age baseball players and their coaches. Good Lord! I was surrounded by giants! I got overwhelmed and had to sneak off to the corridor. Mom and I both waited and the shuttle was late. Anxiety rising, an older woman came over and spilled her coffee, I immediately ran over to get napkins to clean it up. Mom said the woman was making negative comments about herself and she was trying to comfort her, I did not hear a thing I needed to clean up the mess. When I looked down, I saw that coffee was on her toes. Awww!!!! Toes!!! I took a deep breath and cleaned her toes for her. It was painful. I share that story because that was a moment of my “help trump” card taking over my complete freak out over toes. Lol! Also, because it leads into the next event. The toes almost sent me over until I heard the loveliest and most calming thing ever. A family speaking in German sat down right in front of us. I felt the calm rush over me and a big smile across my face.

Mom did the same thing.

We then realized that both of us are calmed by hearing the German language. On the shuttle, we talked about our time in Germany. I get confused as to how long we lived there mom said it was three and half years. I think I thought it was two — anyway she shared how she loved it there. The only things she missed while living there was her parent’s and American food. I said: “WHAT? American food! Blah!” Lol! She does love German food, but for some reason she likes “American food” whatever that is. :-)   As she shared more details about Germany and our life there, we started to get a little anxious again about getting on the trolley. We sat down and lo’ and behold, the couple in front of us and next to them spoke German. Anxiety melted and we were both calm and happy. I have no idea why that is the case and I had no idea mom felt the same way I do about the German language. I do like listening to all languages they fascinate me, but for some reason the German language feels right to me. I have no other way to explain it. I have nothing but positive connections to Germany. Mom said she wanted to go back to Germany one day, sigh….I wish we could.

Oh, yeah I was in Savannah!

I made this much longer than I had planned. Geez! There was a lot that happened this weekend and that was only the tip of the iceberg. The kids did great. They played games, watched movies, ate junk, and are now going all wild and not listening to a single word I say. That seems about right. I am going to take them to the beach and let them run some of this out of their system. I wish it would tire them out, but it won’t. They were funny when I called them; all they talked about were Pokémon, and the games that they were playing. They didn’t seem to miss me at all, but they did. I am not too worried about that it doesn’t hurt my feelings, it is much better for me to know that they are having fun and doing well without me. We wrote stories about their weekend with Daddy, and this is what they said it felt like with me being gone. Ariel: “It felt like mommy was on the computer, but invisible for a longtime.” Daniel: “It felt like mommy was upstairs, and she was not coming down, forever.” Joshua: “It felt like she was in the bathroom for a very long time.” LOL! I had other things that I was going to share, but I got sidetracked and now I have to stop.

Picture time!

(I have a couple of pictures with my face in this batch and I am freaking out! Just so everyone knows.)


 

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04/1/12

Bringing Awareness, I Am Turning Blue (Repost)

I wrote this last year in a flush of being overwhelmed by all of the information and turmoil that sprung from only the first day of Autism Awareness Month. The weeks that led up to the first day of April consumed me with emotion as a mother of an autistic child and as an autistic woman. This year is no different. As a matter-of-fact, I am even more overwhelmed with the heat rising from the announcement “CDC: Autism Rate is Now 1 in 88″.  I cannot even write about my feelings. I will wait until the smoke falls and everyone is able to focus once again on the reality that we need to acknowledge and help children, adults, and parents. We need resources, accurate information, and individual plans to focus on each individual on the autism spectrum.

We need a focus on implementing helps.

At this point there are so many unknown factors that play into the “why’s” or “how’s”. I am not dismissing the importance of doing studies and trying to discover better ways to help, or determine certain factors. The numbers seem to be of little value to families struggling financially, emotionally, physically, and not knowing where to turn. I hope this year we can transition into seeking the answers to help parents understand what autism is. Help them not be afraid of the diagnosis, but in order for that to happen some outlooks need to change. Parents need help in understanding — there is so much information out there and they need direction. Adults coming to terms that they are on the spectrum need acceptance, and help as well.

We need direction.

I hope that awareness, compassion, empathy, and understanding that the label autism is not the same for each of us. We all look and act differently. With the big reveal of the CDC numbers to me, broaden my eyes to see how incredibly diverse Autism is. Even though we are not the same we suffer many similar issues that make us feel isolated. It reveals that we need to take a step back and truly grasp the fact that there is no normal. We are all human beings — no two alike. It is tiresome to see the round and round conversations that do not seem to move or motivate people. At any rate…

We need to be reminded that we are not alone…all of us on the autism spectrum or not.

 

I did clean this up a little but, but I did not edit the message.

We are boys, we are girls, we are men, and we are women. We are diagnosed, un-diagnosed, and self-diagnosed. We are friends, mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles, grandparents, employers, and employees. We are artists, geniuses, mechanics, and cashiers. We are living in institutions, boarding schools, college and at home. We are being abused, bullied and outcast. We are being accepted and lifted up.

We are everywhere.

Some of us can speak and it feels like we won’t stop, some of us can speak, but cannot get our words out, some of us cannot speak through the means that is comfortable for others, some of us speak through a song, dance, cry, or scream. We are looking at you right now. We cannot be put in a box and we cannot give complete clarity to all of our differences. We find some comfort in our similarities. We have been here and will be here, more of us will be diagnosed and hopefully get the help we need to give us the best quality of life possible. Bringing awareness does not mean to just think about it for this day or month.

Bringing awareness could be a paradigm shift in the thinking of others.

Awareness according to Wikipedia:

“Awareness is the state or ability to perceive, to feel, or to be conscious of events, objects, or sensory patterns. In this level of consciousness, sense-data can be confirmed by an observer without necessarily implying understanding. More broadly, it is the state or quality of being aware of something. In biological psychology, awareness is defined as a human’s or an animal’s perception and cognitive reaction to a condition or event.”

Awareness defined in the dictionary is:

Awareness
noun
“Awareness of, knowledge of, understanding of, appreciation of, recognition of, attention to, perception of, consciousness of, acquaintance with, enlightenment with, sensibility to, realization of, familiarity with, mindfulness of, cognizance of, sentience of The 1980s brought an awareness of green issues.”

As we go into this month of designated autism awareness, I think about what I would like people to have knowledge of, an ability to perceive, to feel, to be conscious of, when it comes to autism. Actually, there is a lot I would like for people to be aware of but I guess if I were going to stay focused, my main points would be for people to be aware of the fact that we are not all the same. Every person has his or her own unique qualities and hindrances. Though we may have many similarities, there are many differences as well. We each have our own personality and likes. Some may have the similar obsessions with fans or trains but some change their obsessions and often. Social situations can affect us all differently — we may be very social and then have anxiety later. We may be too anxious to go or do anything. We may not even think about it because the social situation involves our special interest.

Our sensory issues manifest in different ways.

Some of us are seekers, some of us are avoiders, and some of us are a mix. Loud noises can tear through our body and jolt us into a panic — the sound of ice can feel like daggers in our ears, while loud music can be comforting. Hot weather can drain us while for others it is energizing, cold weather can stop some of us from being able to move because it hurts our flesh so badly, while some of us can run around in the snow in shorts and think that it is great. There are so many differences between each one of us and that is something that needs to be made aware to the world. There are substantial differences between girls and boys and woman and men on the autism spectrum and I think that is something of importance that should be remembered and considered continually.

There are so many methods of treatment and I think having proper awareness of them is important as well.

There are many things that my mind wants to share but I cannot in a blog post. As I challenge myself to stay focused and make a clear point, I guess out of everything that I would want people to have awareness of when it comes to autism, is acceptance. I would long to see people accept our differences and be aware of them. I would want people to accept our gifts and hindrances not as pity or idolize the giftings but to accept us as we are. Accept challenges and bring forth more awareness to the needs of those who are not receiving the help they need. I am referring to parents, children, and adults on the spectrum. Acceptance that it is ok for parents to be upset, concerned, exhausted, worried, and feeling hopeless but to not accept those feelings as their new identity.

Don’t stay there.

Accept that a mindset of fear will make the mind look for a constant enemy, not be empowering but strip away the life ahead. Accept that you don’t have to be angry but determined to help your child and yourself. Accept that the challenges are real but if our community pulls together to seek to help parents were better equipped to help their child with autism, it can change. Accept that adults on the spectrum can bring a lot of insight to parents who do not know what it is like for their child. For those who have been in denial to accept that there are adults on the spectrum, they have a voice and they can give hope to those who feel hopeless. There needs to be acceptance and awareness that parents have a voice too and need to be heard just as much as their children do. We all need to accept that we are not winning any battle by drawing lines in the sand and bashing each other. We need each other and those who are unwilling to accept that are just not ready for a paradigm shift. We need to acknowledge that, that is ok too. However, with more of us speaking out as parents for our children, giving our children a voice as well, and focusing on quality of life instead of what is seen as detriments of life, maybe that will change.

I hope there will be some minds bending to true awareness this month.

Here are some resources to help bring awareness.

What is Autism?

The History of Autism (Quicky)

Rethinking Autism

Some Videos

Loving Lamposts Trailer

Increasing Awareness of Women with Autism Spectrum Disorder

Girls and Asperger’s I have several more links on this page regarding girls.

Types of Asperger’s As a means to help identify in some way not to compartmentalize, there can be many variations and mixes. It usually depends on environment and stress levels.

Life with Asperger’s (8 different types of Asperger’s)

Communication Frustration   (Wretches and Jabberers)

Autism Symposium

Light it Up Blue (Reference to my post title.)

 

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03/29/12

Sharing Some Details

This morning Joshua came stumbling out, eyes still closed, hair a mess, leading straight to his Lego rug as he does every morning: “Happy Birthday Mom!” He couldn’t even look at me because his eyes still were halfway shut from sleep goo. (Kidding no goo!) I did see his little smile as he walked by. He places great importance on wishing happy birthdays, and happy holidays. His feelings get hurt for others if the celebration of their day or holidays is not expressed with great importance. After Daniel woke up, he came over got in my face with a huge smile and said: “It’s your birthday Mom.” Ariel stayed in her room drawing when she woke up, Joshua went in to remind her and she said: “Joshua, I know it’s mommy’s birthday. Mom Happy Birthday!” She came out to give a quick hug and went back to her room. Lol!

They got me a Pokémon card, and little stuffed animals.

David picked them out for them, so I could take them with me on my trip. In hopes of soothing me and making me feel like the kids are with me. They told him what to get, but he could not find the Pokémon figures they requested. (Though I am sure those figures would have been snatched from my grip within seconds.) Present for Mom or the kids? Hmm…. After finishing school today, I went into a cleaning bliss. :-) I had to get all of their school stuff prepared for their evaluation next week — I have been doing that for a couple of days. The house has escaped me and it causes me to feel so chaotic. The cleaning has helped my brain get back in order and it makes me feel good. Not all the time, but at the moment it is good. I received an unexpected email from my dad. I loved reading every word and I laughed so hard. It is one of the best presents he has ever given me. He gave me words.

There are some significant ways to show me that you care about me.

One is sharing music, another way is sharing words. It especially means a lot when people are sharing with me how they feel. It is so difficult for me to remember how people feel me about including family. I have such a hard time knowing that I matter. I wish I could explain it better, but I can’t. It is not based on insecurity, it is stemmed from getting confused about the relationship. I try to think of solid ways to help me grasp what others feel about me — it seems to escape my mind at times. It happens mostly when I am under stress or filled with anxiety, those times I need reassurance that people are still my friends, they love me, or care about me. When I am feeling balanced I am fine and do not feel this. That has its own problems because when I feel like everything is fine, I have ended up sideswiped and surprised by people suddenly disconnecting from me, or no longer wanting to be in my life.

I have several posts that I have worked through dealing with my dad.

There has been a lot of confusion, and hurt with that relationship. However, my mom has cleared up many things for me. The bottom line is my dad loves me, I know this, but he does not understand how damaging his words/actions have been to me throughout my life. I do not feel the need to talk to him about this. I do not think it will be beneficial, at least not now. Maybe sometime in the future when I can articulate exactly what I want to and I am in a place to hear him. Despite any of the things from our relationship, my dad is a wonderful person and has been a great father in many other ways. He is just as caring and loves people with an outpouring that is as extreme as his faults in communication.

He is giving and kind.

I do not believe he reads my blog, I did not ask him if I could share this, but I have to because (I am kind of tearing up here) for me his email meant the world. I am not sure others will understand this. He took the time and gave me wonderful details of my birth. Some I already knew, others I did not. It shares both of my parents’ personality and I loved every bit of it. I wrote a story the other day about details. It seemed like a very sad story — I was working out thoughts in my head and remembering things that I had encountered in my life. After writing the story, to have my dad recall these details about me and share them touched me deeply. These type of stories help me connect to myself, and people in my life. I tend to forget so many details about myself, and can fall into a line of thinking that people have forgotten all about me. Possibly because I forget things about myself I feel that other people will forget me too.

I don’t know I am only guessing.

I do have a problem remembering certain things about me. I have tried to block so much of me during my life that it became customary to stuff it down and force myself to forget. (It is ironic that I can remember so many details about other people.) The reason this is such a treasure is my father not only shared some of my details, he shared some of his as well. I find that to be one of the greatest gifts. I really don’t care if his last paragraph is chock-full of my poo art, I did that frequently as a child. Apparently, I took great pleasure in being creative with my poo….multiple times. My boys have taken after me as well. Nice. Another irony I can barely discuss my boys poo issues! Strange indeed.  Thankfully they have not adorned the walls or filled Lego’s in at least a year. :-)   After I share my dad’s email I have pictures. My birthday pie has Pi all over it! Ha ha ha (Tasty homemade gluten free cherry pie. Anyone remember Warrant? Goodness! I thought that song was about cherry pies, and it made no sense to me at all. I am not explaining it! I may not understand it still! Lol!)

Maybe I shouldn’t have poo and pie so closely together in a paragraph?

Email from my Dad, I edited some things for privacy sake. :-)

Dear Angel,

I am reminiscing about that special day 39 years ago….WOW…where’d the time go???? The events leading up to your birth….I have a short leave before having to report to Fort Dix, NJ to out process to go to Germany….We’re at my Mom’s house, I’m playing Strat-O-Matic Football and your Mom’s water breaks while at the kitchen table…the exclamation, “Oh, my God! My water broke!”…the ensuing excitement (actually panic I think is a better word) from everyone except your cool, calm Dad who replies, “It’s your first, we have plenty of time” (translated, “I should have plenty of time to finish this game”)(actually I really did believe we had quite a few hours of labor to go)….

I remember posing the question, “Would you rather spend hours waiting in the hospital or here?” It worked for a little while but I was finally double-teamed by Mom & your Mom….so we head to the hospital….I still remember some key phrases from your Mom while in intense labor, “YOU DID THIS TO ME!!!!” and “I’ve changed my mind”….the first comment I mentioned was done in a manner that prompted me to make sure there weren’t any sharp instruments within your Mom’s reach…then there was that spinal block and your Mom saying, “I can still feel everything” & the response from the staff, “Oh, it’s just pressure you feel” and of course that glorious moment @ 11:59 PM, out pops Angelique (my middle name)!!!!!!

I mentioned to the doctor that he had projected you would be born on the 30th….he said had he remembered that he would have washed his hands for another minute…of course we can’t leave out that post birth moment when your Mom lifts her legs out of the stirrups and the nurse says, “You’re not supposed to be able to do that”, (she was supposed to be “paralyzed” from waist down), and your Mom’s response, “I told you I could feel it”!

Ah, the memories….Later on when you both had joined me in Germany and I had your Mom convinced that since I was experienced at changing messy diapers (my uncle and aunts), that she should take care of changing yours to gain the same valuable experience I had….of course later on Mom spoiled that by saying, “He told you what???, don’t let him get by with that just because he’s changed messy diapers before.” (It was nice while it lasted)….Oh, and who could forget the day I left your diaper off because you had a bad case of diaper rash….I left the room for 20 seconds and when I got back you had distributed diarrhea all over yourself, the furniture, the floor and had you been taller, probably the ceiling…..oh, the good ol’ days……


 

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03/28/12

I Can’t Stop Myself…I Can’t!

Alright, alright! I am so excited, and I am sure those who I left comments on their blogs earlier noticed that I am a bit hyper at the moment. Settle down! I can’t settle down, I have tried so I am going to write out my silly-loopiness. Let me tell you why I am so excited…I love birthdays! AND tomorrow is my birthday AND I cannot keep it quiet because I love my birthday. I know, I know I shouldn’t be acting like this I am a grown woman who should be all mature and such. Maybe if you knew why my birthday was so important to me you would understand why I want to shout it off the rooftops that it is going to be my birthday. I almost didn’t make it to the human existence stage of living starting from conception. Then, later there was my attempt to take my own life.

The only reason I never tried to do me in again was that I made a promise to my mom.

When I make a promise as I did with my mom, it is a knot knitted into the universe and I cannot break it. Other people do not think of promises as that significant, but I do. I remember years ago when I learned this hard lesson. My mind created a poem immediately so I would never forget. It may sound harsh, but I needed it to sink in that people do not mean the same thing that I do when it comes to the word promise. I have to remind myself of this otherwise I can end up very hurt. It is a quick and easy poem.

A promise is meant to be broken,
A promise is untrue,
A promise means nothing,
When it is coming from you.

You can read about why my birthdays are important to me here “What’s In A Birthday?“

I have not reread it or edited it since last year and I am not going to because I am still fragile from having a shut sown from my last post. I didn’t realize how much watching that video affected me and triggered a lot of emotional things from my past. I am fine right now I got overwhelmed that’s all. I felt his pain and emotions, and to have my own experience in addition was too much. I will be completely honest, I got so overwhelmed that I ended up lying on the floor sobbing, curled up like a baby, begging God to please tell me why I was given a brain like I have. I did not ask to be fixed, but I did question what was the purpose in causing such episodes of feeling such devastation.

Why would I have to have a brain that loves and cares so deeply, but does not feel the love back?

Why does my mind get consumed with unstoppable anxiety, fear of humiliation, confusion, and utter worthlessness? Why? I will not go on about what I was feeling. It had been going on for days, but here are some of the answers 1) sensory overload – my senses have been taxed for nearly two weeks now. My brain is still trying to recover and the anticipation of them continuing to be taxed the rest of this week weighs on me. 2) Social anxiety – I do enjoy being with people, I am a social Aspie, but I also need alone time. I have been doing pretty well with this, but I have been influenced by David’s social anxieties. He has gone full-time into a position that is requiring him to be a lot more social than he has been in about 5 years now. I feel his stress levels they are pouring down from the upstairs — even if I am not around him, I feel it. 3) Daniel has regressed in some areas and it has caused a series of meltdowns, and stress. This is what happens when he is having a major change in his language/emotional development.

He does gain his other skills back after the progress is reached.

However, it is always confusing and unexpected. I get worried that he is losing what he has already worked so hard for, but he won’t this is a pattern. I think that his motor skills, and what body awareness he has is blocked somehow while the language/emotional skills make rapid connections. It seems to be what is happening (has happened in the past). He is asking things like: “Joshua why are you talking to me like that?” and “What does that word mean?” and saying to Ariel or Joshua: “Stop yelling at me, I don’t like it.” This is all new and great to hear. Ariel and Joshua are not actually yelling we all have problems with the tone/pitch of our voices, and our directness around here can sound pretty harsh sometimes. It is never meant that way…mostly, I cannot actually say “never”. The emotions I have been processing for two weeks now have kept me fragile. It felt like my heart was sitting on my chest with air pounding it, the second it felt covered again…BAM! Exposed.

The reason for that is reading other blogs. Empathy people!

I would start to gain my footing then, I would read a blog that had paralleling situations to my life, and I was exposed again. I felt their emotions and mine all mixed together. It is a good thing, and a bad thing. It is good because it helps me deal with my hurts and properly place them, but it is a bad thing when I feel so vulnerable and unable to place my feelings away quickly. There have been situations this month that have forced me to look at death. I do not do well with death, and I do not do well with people being in the hospital being very ill. I get filled with anxiety because I do not know what to say, or how to act. I cannot pull words out, and if I do, they end up sounding very insensitive or they are silly and goofy. That never goes well! Still with all of the adventures going on around here, I am giddy about my birthday. Ariel has been such a dear making me laugh so hard this week. Daniel and Joshua have too, but they have not noticed that I was out of sorts. Ariel did and gave me hugs, and told me she loved me. HUGE for Ariel, she is not a hugger, and normally she will hum a “Love you” sound, but not say the words.

We spent some time painting and hanging with sock monkeys last night.

I have pictures of us and monkeys! I am going to make a birthday pie tomorrow instead of cake because the kids have not had cherry pie before. You know that I will be posting some pictures. OH! Tonight I am going to a quiet opening for my sister’s new store so I may be quite socially/sensory taxed again tonight, but I am too excited about my weekend to care. My birthday always reminds me of how much life means to me, and how there is so much joy to feel and look to instead of the dreaded “Why” loop that can consume my mind. I am very thankful that I was able to let the emotions out, get up, and find my “Happy” loop. Pretty much any happy loop will involve cats, monkeys, frogs, and lizards. :-)   I am done. La la la la Wait, I forgot to mention that I haven’t been able to sleep either. I think my loopiness may be due to lack of sleep. Zoinks! I have gotten a lot written though…that is good. :-)

The Monkey Song

“The Bright Field” by R S Thomas   (I just liked this poem and decided to share.)

R.S. Thomas

 


 

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03/26/12

Sharing A Video

There are many things I can relate to in the video below that I am sharing. Thankfully, my only run in with law enforcement was not as bad. I did end up in jail for about 15 minutes (I think) and it felt like hours. I was pulled over for a break light being out, it turned out there was a warrant out for my arrest for a $1.00 seat-belt violation. When they first passed the seat belt law in my state it was only $1.00. I did pay that fine, but somehow they messed up the records. They also messed up again after my arrest and I ended up with an invalid driver license. It was such a mix up. I didn’t find out until I went to get my license in another state I had moved to. And guess what? It took them three days to find my records because they “had to go down in the basement” to look it up. It turned out to be all clerical errors in the mean time; this Aspie was having panic attacks and couldn’t sleep for days.

It all got squared away, but was a very bad experience.

The officer who arrested me felt so bad for me because I was hyperventilating, sobbing, wailing, and couldn’t stop. The shock of hearing I had a warrant out for my arrest sent panic through my body. I cannot remember what I said, but I was hysterical. I am so thankful that he was a nice person. He allowed certain things that he should not have. He handcuffed me from behind, but it sent me into even more of a panic having my arms like that. I almost passed out. I couldn’t talk very well but through my heaves, I begged him to please move my arms to the front, it hurt too badly from behind. I felt trapped. I also lost it again when he said I had to sit in the back. The thought of it made me feel trapped and I begged and pleaded with him to please not make me sit back there. When he sat me down in the back, I lost it again and he couldn’t get me in. Again, I am thankful that he was a nice officer because I am sure another one may not have been so kind and felt like I was being difficult.

He told me that he was not supposed to do any of that.

I thanked him repeatedly and continued to ask him how long everything was going to take. I had closed my bank account only moments earlier because we were moving to another state the next day. I had the cash to bail myself out. When we got there, nothing was routine. At that time in my life, I had an odd habit of collecting change in my purse. LARGE amounts of change. Crazy amounts of change. My purse was filled with pennies — tons of them! The woman looked at it, looked at the officer, and said: “You have got to be kidding. I am not counting all of that.” I gave her permission not to count them; she didn’t take count of any of the content in my purse. I did not get finger prints taken either. The officer took care of my paperwork personally, allowed me to make a call to get home and I was released. I had my court date the next morning only hours before we took off to our new home. I was 18 years old. This is one of those times that I am forever grateful and feel like someone was watching over me for sure.

I know that the officer did not have to do that.

I know that he could have gotten into a lot of trouble. I still do not know why he was so kind. Maybe he just wanted to get rid of me as quickly as possible. Either way it could have been a lot worse. I was still traumatized with the emotions of being blamed for something I didn’t do, and going through all of stress of the situation. I do not know if others would have felt the same trauma, but I still feel it today and it really wasn’t bad at all. All of this to lead into a video that I watched a few minutes ago created by John Scott Holman sharing his experience with law enforcement. After watching it, it triggered me reliving my experience. There are many things that he shares in the video that struck me with my own similar experiences. I think the video is a great resource to share with others to help bring awareness, and hopefully some insight to others. I have been asked on many occasions throughout life if I was on some sort of mind-altering substance. I was not. I did use alcohol as my source to help me cope socially and get away with some of my quirkiness and oddities. Most people let things slight if you are drunk. I don’t drink anymore. Now I have ballet…kidding, sort of :-) .

There is language in some areas so be prepared.

I’M NOT ON PCP: Educating Law Enforcement about Autism


 

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03/25/12

Finally I Got It

Good grief! I finally got the processing done in my brain. There were many different connections going on, but one thing that stumped me was not being able to understand what I was feeling. My confusion brought my mind to familiar loops; I saw that — I did not anticipate the emotions I would feel with those loops. Even though I was able to stop my loops, I was not able to stop the emotions that came with them. Why did my brain go into these familiar loops? I did not understand the emotions, or how to process the intense feelings I experienced from the symposium. I have written a whole post about “lonely” and I still need to edit it, but it helped me clear up some of it. I hope the post sheds some light on the word lonely. It helped me accept that I am fine being alone, and that I do need to be alone sometimes. I also need to be reminded that I am not completely alone. There is a difference between being a lonely person, having comfortable solitude, and feeling alone in the world.

I am so glad I got all of these things sorted out.

I am still feeling bursts of love. However, I am not sure how to explain that. Let’s just say I am feeling happy, with a touch of pure goofiness, and would probably hug strangers today. Of course, I would run home in a panic and take a shower, but I would be able to hide that from the strangers. :-)   Now that I got the other post out my brain feels clearer and more focused. My emotions are properly placed, even though I am still working through them. I am able to look at all of the information from the symposium without confused emotions attached. I can write about each section without getting confused or deeply hurt so I will start on it right away. I had no idea how much of an emotional toll that thing had on me. I believe it was much different this year because of the topics, dealing with my own realization, and acceptance of being autistic, and it becoming a reality. It is hard to take in, and a relief at the same time. My mind was flooded with all sorts of questions, analyzing my entire life with even more clarity, and then seeing my children. Yeah, my brain was in overdrive.

Now my jolly self wants to share what happened today.

Some of you know that I have a great fondness toward crows (ravens) I have since the first time I read The Raven by Edgar Allan Poe. (I am obsessed with Edgar such an interesting fella.) I also have ravens connected to other things, they mean a lot to me. They are birds that I love just like black cats. My connection to them got rekindled during the summer and I wrote the poem Raven Speak. They have appeared to me in odd ways when I feel anxious, or when I need a reminder that I am not alone. Maybe someone is thinking of me. They show up in all sorts of places. Last week it was at the beach, one lone crow cawing at me while he sat on a light post. I got a picture of him. Then, today I went to Target and I was so upset because I didn’t bring my camera. I even went back to my desk to get it then, changed my mind. I was going to Target, why did I need my camera? :-/ A black crow landed on a mini-van diagonal from where I parked. I watched him hop back and forth from the front of the roof to where he stopped. He stopped at the back of the roof looked directly into my window noticing that I was watching him, he started to talk.

He cawed at me, moved his head side to side, and flapped his feathers at me.

I started laughing and asked “Raven are you speaking?” I do not think he heard me, but we sat there a good five minutes talking back and forth. He was cawing and dancing moving his head to look me in the eyes. I was so excited I couldn’t decide whether I wanted to hurry home and get my camera or not. I decided I should try, but the second I pulled out a little he flew off. I saw him land in a tree and thought maybe I could catch him if I went home and came back. Suddenly his friend showed up and they flew off together. Bummer. I parked the car and went inside, feeling sad that I did not bring my camera. At least he sang and cawed to me for a little while. He was beautiful. Solid black, he was not shiny yet, his bluish (kind of yellowish) eyes peering at me, skinny black legs, and a magnificent black beak. He must have still been a young guy; since his eyes had not turned and his feathers were not glossy, still he was big. He looked kind of like this beauty. I could have talked to him all day.

Another joy to me music. (The rest of this is me rambling.)

I was already feeling cheery because the oldies station had played Cat Stevens-Wild World. (Love that song) When I pulled into the parking lot it started playing Blondie — Heart of Glass (Love Blondie!). I was dancing in the car when Mr. Lovely Crow showed up. Maybe he was feeling my dance vibes. Speaking of oldies another happy tune Van Morrison Brown-Eyed Girl I think Mr. Crow was singing it to me. Sha la la la la la la la la la la te da I shared The Most Astounding Fact (Neil deGrasse Tyson, HD) on my other blog, but I love it so much I wanted to share here too. Oh, and I finished my painting. It was done with acrylics. I went all funky with the shapes. I did not get a chance to try my oil paints yet. Alright I can’t help myself I am going to have to share some more pictures. I got a bunny in the backyard last night, the sky looked awesome before and after the rain, I took a picture of Daniel’s “comfort” toys that he fell asleep with, and I can’t remember now what else. Alrighty then, until next time…may the force be with you.


 

 

 

 

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03/24/12

Silly Post La La La

Hello! I am feeling fragile. My emotions are tinkering on all sides. I am madly in love, and completely heartbroken at the same time. Why? I have no idea. I am full of happiness, and sadness. I am silly, and serious. I cannot find my balance. It is really getting to me. I am giddy and silly as well and my cat just jumped on my desk stirring a ruckus for some reason. A loud crash just happened in the schoolroom.

Me: What was that?

Ariel: Oh, something fell.

Me: What fell?

Ariel: Things with markers, pencils, and crayons!

Nathaniel (cat): Mmmmeeeeeeeooooooowwwww! (While running back and forth in the living room)

Nice.

Nathaniel is stilling howling I have no idea what he is up to. Hold on. Ha ha ha I just went looking for him. I looked in the bedrooms calling his name, nary a cat. I went into the living room he came pouncing out at me from behind the couch. Lol! He is still howling I have no idea what his problem is. Silly cat making a perfect silly post. :-)   We are all a bit spazzy. I am meowing now and the kids are singing the ABC’s…now we are all meowing except for the cat. I really shouldn’t share this post, but I need to just let my silliness out. What is that song? Shake the sillies out? No, it’s “Shake Your Sillies Out“. I may have shared that before.

Seriously!

What’s on my mind? I am clearly having good and bad anxiety about leaving next weekend. There is all the anxiety of going on a mini-trip and leaving the kids. It makes me more anxious with Daniel having some problems this past week. Daniel did tell me last night that he was happy that I was going, but he would miss me. He is talking and expressing what he is feelings so much more recently, and it is awesome. I discovered that he was happy for me to go have fun with Grammy, but he was happy that he will be with Daddy too. That made me feel better. Still David does not follow the schedule, he doesn’t know our routines in downstairs world, and he does things all different. It is fine, but it is different and the aftermath of having a different routine is something to anticipate…We can hope it all goes smoothly, but there also has to be the preparation for the after affects. I may write things down to help David, he forgets things. He is the first to tell you that he forgets things like daily schedules, and food stuff.

Mom and I both will have our routines messed up.

She is used to adjusting because she such the world traveler. Ok, she has gone on trips a lot, but she doesn’t really travel too far. She did go to Mexico on her cruise in December — that’s world traveling I suppose. She is not overflowing with funds, and that makes it a little difficult to be an actual world traveler. I am a virtual world traveler it suits my income much better. :-) I haven’t been in a car with my mom for a road trip in decades. There is a reason for that. We do not do well in the car together. I hope that now being much older and “Aspie wiser” we will be able to have a good time in the car as well as in wide-open spaces! Just so everyone knows I do plan on dancing and singing on the streets of Savannah. I am certain no one will notice, I do not think they much care about oddities and silliness there. I could be wrong, but it does not matter the ghosts will love me. Zoinks!

All right I let a little of my traveling anxiety out.

Wait. Did I mention that I am leaving the kids and I have never left them for this long before??!! (Yes, I know I have, but let me have my freak out.) I have not been away from them since they were born!! Breathe. I think I am having separation anxiety and they are in the front room singing songs and crashing things all over the place. I think I am done now. On to my boyfriend’s new suit. Yes, you heard me Mr. Hotty McHotterson iPad man has a new Bluetooth keyboard. He’s looking good. Humor me. I told you this was silly. AND I got an early birthday present for my trip! A new camera. Yippie! I do not have time to describe the lovely right now, but I will share a few pictures I have taken with it this morning. If only I had the funds to buy all of the gadgets and techy whatnot’s in the world, or venture off in a Virgin Galactic spaceship…I am sure I wouldn’t have any anxiety then, or that my vertigo wouldn’t bother me at all. I must face it I am planted on the ground with my sock monkeys, kid’s telescope, new camera, and sexy iPad.

I am really being loopy-doopy! (From here up, I wrote this morning.)

(From here down I just wrote. :-) )

I would really love to share the talk mom and I had today about being “lonely”. I cannot get the words out right now. We also had quite the adventure in Michael’s (Going to try some oil paints today.) and Wal-Mart (HELL). Interestingly Wal-Mart had Roz from Monster, Inc. on their PA system every two seconds. Why on earth aren’t they using walkie’s, or at least getting a different person to speak over the bouncing acoustics that already send attacking vibrations into my brain? The kids handled it better than I did. I had my fingers plugged into my ears and didn’t realize until I got home that I was saying rather loudly “This place is HELL!” It then clicked why my mom was looking at me and laughing. It also explains why she took over and got us out of there. I was clearly overloaded. I did not want to go there — the only reason we did was that Daniel swore there were Hex Bugs that were there and he wanted to see them. Hex Bugs were not there so in order to stop the eruption that was about to take place in the middle of that place, I said he could have one Hex Bug when we got home.

We’ll see how tonight goes.

Oh, well picture time. I don’t know if you can tell the difference, but I can. Whoop!

 

 

 

 

 

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03/23/12

At Home Autism Acceptance

With April coming around the corner, I am already anticipating the tons of things that will be seen on the internet dealing with Autism Awareness Month. Everyone has his or her agenda, I think that can be a very good thing. It gets us talking as a society, it gets people thinking, it can get people arguing, and I think it could be far worse to stay silent about autism than to argue. At least that is something. Personally, I do not want to argue with anyone though, I get sick and shut down at conflict. I normally see all sides, even if I do not agree with it. I can still see it and feel for them. (As long as it is not plain evil.) I have noticed this past week that Ariel and Joshua have been saying things about Daniel being autistic. They have done this more so in the last year. For some reason it is coming up a lot. It got me thinking about awareness and acceptance at home and how I need to do a better job teaching them in this area.

Daniel has had a hard time adjusting to the time change.

He has had his Hex Bugs taken away, and he is still unable to have them back. They continue to cause him more harm than good — stimulating wise. His inability to find a replacement interest has caused him to have the feeling of being lost. He is looping, and I have been trying to help, but he is stuck. We have to ride it out. Because of this, his other self-regulating stims have come back that he hasn’t done in a while. The good thing is he is more talkative, sharing what is on his mind, expressing himself, (as best as he can) and being much more socially involved with their play. There are great things, and bad things that go along with this. Ariel and Joshua get overloaded; when they do, they just stop playing. If not given an explanation it does not bode well with Daniel. We have been over and over this, they have to tell Daniel when they are finished playing and most of all tell him WHY. Daniel will be fine as long as he understands why they stopped playing, or they got frustrated. (I am the same way, it won’t hurt my feelings at all just tell me!) This can lead into an all-day meltdown. He does not understand why all of a sudden they are done. It feels like rejection. He thinks he did something wrong, but he does not know what.

Ariel and Joshua do the same thing to each other.

It can turn into a mess sometimes. Joshua tends to think that we can read his mind, or that he told us already what he was thinking. He and Ariel get into arguments about the house rules, social rules, Pokémon rules, game rules, how you should pronounce words, how things are to be put away, and many other fun rules that they have gathered away in their minds. (Rules that may or may not be quite accurate.) They are rigid and strict in their understanding of the rules. They also try to inform Daniel of the rules, but he always breaks them according to them. It gets very frustrating to hear them constantly telling Daniel how he is doing something wrong. Joshua cannot handle Daniel’s eating sounds, so he either yells at him or has his own meltdown because of the sound. We have an open floor plan home with high ceilings — it does not help the noise factor around here. It especially does not help all of us who are highly sensitive to sounds.

This would be the kids and me.

After the symposium, I have been more observant of the social dynamics between the kids. I have taken notice to how they speak to each other, and how they treat each other. Joshua voices often that he doesn’t understand why Daniel acts certain ways, or gets to eat things that he doesn’t. Food is a big deal to Joshua. Daniel has a very limited diet and I have to get nutrients in him whatever way possible. It seems unfair that Daniel gets to eat banana and yogurt for dinner, but Ariel and Joshua have to eat the dinner I made. A dinner that contains broccoli! Joshua doesn’t realize that Daniel’s “tasty” yogurt is swimming with sweet potato puree and I can guarantee Joshua would not like it. I am thankful that Joshua is able to tell me what bothers him though, and he is willing to listen most days. The kids have really kicked it up a notch at pointing out Daniel’s differences, and “favoritism” around here. I decided I needed to do something about it. (I have pulled some of this straight from my home school blog because I didn’t feel like rewriting it. I had to give that little confession — I do not know why. :-) )

I know that it is a normal course of childhood for them to point out differences.

However, it still does not make sense to them why he gets to do certain things that they do not. At times, it feels very much like an injustice, though it is not. We try very hard to keep things balanced and focus on their needs as equal as Daniel’s. Ariel and Joshua show many autistic traits, but I am sure they could also fall under the “normal” category. They do have some social issues, anxieties and misunderstandings, but they may improve a great deal when we get into more homeschooling groups. I do not know we will have to see. Joshua is very social and has no problems starting conversations with anyone — he does gear everything toward his special interest though. Ariel expresses her anxiety clearly. She has anxiety when she goes to new places or meets new people. She says that she loses her words and doesn’t know how to talk to someone. She told me this week “Well I know how to talk to them, but I don’t know how to get my words in order or what to talk to them about.”

She does such a wonderful job at explaining these things to me.

Joshua and Daniel both do not know what they are feeling. Their confusion causes other effects, but it doesn’t happen until we get home — normally. They all have sensory issues that can cause meltdowns, they all have special interests that consume their everything, they all do not know how to talk to other kids even though I have used social stories, given them scripts, read books about it, but they still are awkward, shut down, or talk non-stop about their interest. Still Ariel and Joshua feel that Daniel is autistic and they are not. They are able to communicate their feelings much more than Daniel; at times, they feel that he is “freaking out” for no reason. I then have to explain to them the reason for Daniel having a hard time. They do not associate any of their behaviors as being similar as his. My plan this week was to help them see how each one of them is different and discover their similarities.

I am using the book The Autism Acceptance Book for all three of them.

I tried this book before, but they were not ready for it. It was last year I believe and I think they were still too young. Daniel knows that he has autism, but does not understand what that means. He thinks that he is the same as everyone else until someone says something different. He does not have a clear sense of self-awareness. I am hoping that working through this book with all of them will help them have a better understanding about autism and how it relates to each one of them. Ariel and Joshua can be Daniel’s biggest advocates out in the world of their peers. I want them to understand and be able to explain it to others as well. I do not want them to feel like they have to, I hope they want to share how important acceptance is on their own. I shared with them about bullying and why it is wrong. I have plenty of childhood, and adult stories to share about my own personal experiences with being bullied that I can pull from.

The kids and I come with scenarios and practice what they would do in these situations.

And let me tell you there is nothing wrong with running home, or to a safe place as quickly as you can! I have done it plenty of times — understanding now I had nothing to be ashamed of for protecting myself by getting the heck out of the situation. The kids understand what I am talking about when it comes to bullying, they have seen it on TV, they watched cartoons that explained how horrible it is, and we openly talk about it. I used that as an entry point to talk about autism. The reason that most people are bullied is their differences. If we understand our own difference’s, accept them, and feel self-confident about being different, we are better able to cast down bully type words. I do not want my kids to hide their quirks, differences, or stims. I want them to feel confident to be themselves, but also understand that if you live in this world as yourself there are those who will not like it. I think one of the biggest things that would have helped me, had I known when being bullied, is understanding that it was not really about me.

I didn’t do anything wrong.

I was being me, and the bully did not like it. The reasons for bullying do not have to make sense. This would have helped me too. If someone would have explained to me that, a bully can randomly pick on someone “just because” that would have cleared up the confusion that was looping in my brain. I would not have spent so much time trying to figure out why they did it, and why they chose me. It still would not make sense, but it would have helped me see that they were completely illogical in their thinking and they perceptions were based on insecurity, and wanting acceptance themselves. (A great deal of the of the time.) Discussing all of this brought us to the point of talking about autism acceptance. While there are some things I am not fond of in the book, I realize that it is geared toward neurotypical children. From that perspective, I can see it as a good thing. For us in this house…well we had to get over the whole “Take a walk in someone else’s shoes” idiom. Thankfully they explain what that means in the book because I was doing a poor job. I won’t go into it, but it had something to do with them wearing my shoes and then all of us getting confused. :-)

Through the book, for each chapter at the end, there were a series of questions.

As I read the book and asked the questions, it was very interesting to see how each of the children saw themselves. The more we read the more I realized that Ariel and Joshua are on the spectrum much more than we thought. I have done this before; I see where I have fallen short in areas of helping them or recognizing their behaviors. They seem to have no problems until something like this opens my eyes and I ask them questions. It gets me in a loop of wanting to get them diagnosed as well. I wonder if it will help them, or if I haven’t done enough. This time around I decided we will wait it out until we move and focus on it then if need be. I am mainly concerned with social skills and sensory diet. I can already work on those things now. Overall, I think the book is an excellent resource in helping children understand what autism is like. The start of the book is about accepting others in general. I liked how they explained what acceptance was.

A quote from the book:

“When people look different from you or act differently than you do, the best thing to do is try to understand and accept them. In other words learn more about them, be kind to them, and include them in things that you and your friends do together.”

~ The Autism Acceptance Book

Autism can be difficult to explain.

I think the book does a good job at explaining some of the issues for children who are autistic. It talks about how people are different from each other overall. It asks questions about how “you” are different. It states that the autistic brain works differently in many ways. There are sections about the difficulties for children on the spectrum with communication, expressing themselves, senses, seeing the small details and focusing on them, playing differently, difficulties talking, which I thought worked well for the age group this is geared toward. They also suggest ways to get involved in helping support autism by teaching others what you have learned. They suggest presenting the information to their class, or raising money and donating it to an autism charity. At the end there are group activities, they get to create their own social story, and then make a scrapbook about what they have learned. My personal feeling is that books like these need to be added to school curriculum. I think it would be beneficial to children and parents to have a book like this in their hands. As well as for teachers so they can better understand and accept what life is like for children on the autism spectrum.

If we want to bring awareness and acceptance to the autism community this would be a great start.

(I know we need school funds, maybe it is wishful thinking.)

 

Ellen Sabin (Author, Illustrator)

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03/20/12

Childlike And Not Ashamed

Some people on the autism spectrum take offense when being compared to being childlike, or having the mind of a child. I can understand their point of view. I think it depends on many factors such as who is making the comment, how the comment is made, or the context of how it is stated. Normally, I think of it as a great compliment. (now) I do not intend to grow out of my childlikeness. I think the problem may be compartmentalizing people and treating those of us with that quality like we are children, or as if we are incapable because of our childlikeness. That is not the case — we are fully capable of being adult/childlike at the same time. I am not referring to acting like a child there is a big difference. I know several adults who are not on the spectrum who act like five year old children it’s not because they are full of wonder. I am talking about curiosity and drive to figure out our world. The excitement in exploration, and discovery. The ability to stay in awe at the world around us, and beyond. The desire to walk in the imagination.

Those of us like this do not settle easily with simple answers.

We do not find it easy to go with the flow. We want to ask questions, gather information, come to a hypothesis, and then, try out our hypothesis. Many “grown-ups” tend to stop this process. The book I have been reading The Curiosity Cycle has made several connections for me in this area. It seems like children/adults on the spectrum are taught to stop their curiosity process and focus more on the adapting, and learning how to behave process. Other children seem to be taught the art of memorization. It is very important for autistics to learn to navigate, and adapt to our world. However, stopping a curious mind could be detrimental to discovering self. I think being creative and learning to use our unique perspective is just as important. Our creativity should not be replaced – we should focus on more ways to integrate these talents and unique ways into our everyday learning. We do need direction and implementation for our curious minds. I read The Big Lesson of a Little Prince: (Re)capture the Creativity of Childhood today and it got me thinking about all of this in detail. I have been observing for months the state of our society.

It feels like we are at a pivotal time in history.

There is the smell of change in the air in multiple areas. If we look at history, we are experiencing many birthing pains of change that runs its course throughout the centuries. Every era has its cause it seems that autism and the shift in how society looks at disabilities could be ours. (I am only speculating.) The autism talk is stirring quite a bit of flares between camps, there are many more voices and now even more voices of those in the special needs/disability community. Along with that, we have media quickly racing to mold the image of what an “autistic” person looks and acts like. There are many good things about getting the word autism out there, and exposing our culture to the idea of autistic people as real genuine people. There are negatives as well like stereotyping autistic people/children. It is not surprising in the least – media does a great job at taking conditions, or differences defining it (inaccurately many times) for our society. If I start talking about this it will be a full on rant so I will stop, BUT I will say that media does a wonderful (annoyed tone) job keeping stereotypical characters at the forefront.

Creativity in general feels like it is at a lull.

What I do appreciate about all of our media outlets is the ability to discover the many talented musicians, artists, authors, filmmakers, and all around brilliant talented people out there. I love how they are not waiting around for the go ahead to bust out their talents. They are just doing it. It is awesome to watch. It feels like we are at the bottom of a volcano watching the smoke rise — each puff we are just waiting for it to erupt in awesomeness. In addition, when it does erupt it will be so exciting, the smoke puffs already are, imagine the explosion of talent lava. I have a feeling we haven’t seen anything yet. I have to stop myself I am on a tangent. Back to that article I read. I will share a section of it for you to get a taste.

It is the rare person who is able to hold on to the sense of wonderment, of presence, of sheer enjoyment of life and its possibilities that is so apparent in our younger selves. As we age, we gain experience. We become better able to exercise self-control. We become more in command of our faculties, our thoughts, our desires. But somehow, we lose sight of the effortless ability to take in the world in full. The very experience that helps us become successful threatens to limit our imagination and our sense of the possible. When did experience ever limit the fantasy of a child?

As children, we are remarkably aware. We absorb and process information at a speed that we’ll never again come close to achieving. New sights, new sounds, new smells, new people, new emotions, new experiences: we are learning about our world and its possibilities. Everything is new, everything is exciting, everything engenders curiosity. And because of the inherent newness of our surroundings, we are exquisitely alert; we are absorbed; we take it all in. Who knows when it might come in handy?

But as we grow older, the blasé factor increases exponentially. Been there, done that, don’t need to pay attention to this, and when in the world will I ever need to know or use that. Before we know it, we have shed that innate attentiveness, engagement, and curiosity for a host of passive, mindless habits. And even when we want to engage, we no longer have that childhood luxury. Gone are the days where our main job was to learn, to absorb, to interact; we now have other, more pressing (or so we think) responsibilities to attend to and demands on our minds to address.

And as the demands on our attention increase—an all too real concern as the pressures of multitasking grow in the increasingly 24/7 digital age—so, too, does our actual attention decrease. As it does so, we become less and less able to know or notice our own thought habits, and more and more allow our minds to dictate our judgments and decisions, instead of the other way around.

 ~ Maria Konnikova

As I read this article, I was struck with sadness.

Some assumptions that were made caused me to evaluate her words a little more, but I realized that this article is tapping into the masses way of thinking. It made me recall that at around 25 or 26 years old, I decided that I clearly had my life all wrong. Years, and years of people correcting me and telling me that I needed to be a certain way was sinking in. As I recollect though, it didn’t matter. I never stopped my curiosity, but I did try to conform my imagination. I also tried to make it go away at one point in my life. I found it to be too difficult for me to discern between reality and imagination.

I was squelching every part of me.

People around me made me feel that my imagination was something to fear, or be ashamed of as an adult. It was too wild, too juvenile, too serious (oxymoron) — I learned to hide my imagination, and keep my wonderment a secret. I am still in the process of learning to share my imagination. I was so severely confused by my imagination at one time that I never wanted to share it again. After reading this article, it became clear that I wasn’t the problem. Other people (adults) just didn’t get it and quite frankly never have until now. I finally realized that I have been with the wrong clan that is all. :-) My mind played back my time as an adult and much has been spent with children.

I fit in better with them. (And animals.)

I like their openness, honesty, curiosity, and freedom. Discovering adults (On the spectrum, not on the spectrum people in general.) who are like this has been refreshing, and has brought me much hope. Just reading their thoughts brings me comfort and clarity. I am fully capable of adult things, but my mind has many childlike qualities as well. I have no intention of trying to hide these qualities any longer. In the article, the author briefly spoke about a study that was done in 2010 by a group of psychologists who asked a group of college students to write an essay based on this question: “Imagine school is cancelled for today. What would you do, think, and feel?” “The students answered the same question. But for one group, a single sentence was added to the instruction: You are seven years old.”

The results:

“Those participants who were in the seven-year-old condition exhibited significantly higher levels of originality in thought. Both their verbal and figural responses left their more adult-minded counterparts in the dust.”

“Imagining yourself a child, it seems, can quite literally make your mind more flexible, more original, more open to creative input and more capable of generating creative output—a nice complement to past findings that laughter and positive mood have much the same effect.”

~ Maria Konnikova

I thought the whole article was a great read.

It gave me some things to ponder. It got me thinking about those who are on the autism spectrum, as well as other “eccentric” creative people. Why do we want to change this type of thinking? Why is there an underlying conformity to turn the thoughts of our children into “adult” thinking when it seems to be hindering to their creativity? Is this what has happened in our society? Have we created bored adults now who find more pleasure in reality shows than being curious and creative? I am just throwing these questions out I am not suggesting anything; my mind is wondering “type loud”. (Definition of type loud: Making aware the flowing random thoughts in my mind that would ordinarily be spoken out loud.)

I think the autistic mind is a great gift in this aspect.

That is not to imply greatness, or that we have no problems. I was very pleased to hear the doctor from the symposium say that the issues with Aspergers and high functioning autism are just as real and detrimental in their own ways. Our problems are very real and should not be down played just because we have the perception of doing well in society. We see the world differently, we can seem very childlike at times, starting from childhood on we need to know that it is a good thing to have a childlike mind. We also need people to be supportive in helping us know how to not be taken advantage of for our vulnerability, or made to feel ignorant or stupid because of the way we see the world. I think a lot of this can be helped if we teach children and adults on the spectrum how to be self-aware. I am feeling another post brewing from that statement.

I think I will save it for April. (Autism Awareness Month)

Becoming more self-aware can help us hone in on our talents and appreciate how our mind works. It will help us start teaching our generation of young ones now and the generations to come who they are and empower them to walk in their talents. I think that our world of technology and our fight for acceptance, and understanding is going to change the way creativity is defined. I can’t wait until my brain is actually hooked up to a computer like I always wanted. Did I say that type loud? My bad! Ha ha ha Kidding! For laughs if you were wondering what is on my mind the majority of the time you can read many of my thoughts on the Paranoid Parrot! Holy Smokes! How did these people get so many of my thoughts on this meme?? Are they tapping into my brain with some sort of electronic psychic device? (That statement will make more sense if you go to the meme.) Yikes! Lol!

(I may end up editing this more, but I have to start dinner so I am posting anyway. Why? It is an anxiety lesson. I am feeling anxious about this post and need to deal with it! :-) )

I’ll give you one for sport.

 

 

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