I love ballet. It brings me a peace that runs through my body. When I was a child, during Christmas I would make my mom watch The Nutcracker every year. She would fall asleep. I would get sucked into watching the dancers. I felt comfortable watching the dancers. I did not need to figure out what they were thinking, they had perfect still faces. Their bodies told the story with art. The imagery around them and the music expressed what I was supposed to experience. The music made my imagination go wild with dances in my own mind. If there was ever anything on about ballet I was as close to the TV as possible. It just happened that the public broadcasting network where we lived did do quite a lot of ballet presentations. I am not sure why. I also recall several programs on Mikhail Baryshnikov who my mom did not mind watching.

I did want to be a ballet dancer, but it wasn’t in the plans for me.

That doesn’t mean I didn’t (can’t) dance at home. After losing my childhood fantasy my next one was to go to an actual ballet. In 2008 David took me to see a Russian Ballet Group. They performed a medley of dances from well known ballets. The theater was small and freezing, but it was quaint. When the first dancer came out, I was struck with her perfection. Her strength and beauty, along with flawless performance being enhanced by her amazing costume brought tears to my eyes. I sat in awe and was consumed throughout all of the performances. I remembered my eyes barely blinking and my heart thumping feeling as though these dancers are too grand and dynamic to waste in that theater. Then I thought how thankful I was that they were willing to share their art in such a tiny theater for my eyes to experience.

I hope to one day see a full length ballet.

I also hope to see an opera, an orchestra perform, a play, and a huge awesome museum one day. It is ironic to me that I have not experienced these things when they are so dear to my heart. I have read about them my whole life and even watched them on TV. I have experienced other people’s reactions through movies, as well as asking real life people to describe it for me, but I have not experienced it. I want to feel the live music of a violinist sweep me away. I want to experience the woodwinds, brass, percussion, and strings all together reaching in my ears and penetrating the insides of me. I want to experience what it is like to watch Swan Lake being physically surrounded by the music and watching the dancers. I want to live in the moments of Giselle as she and Albrecht dance and then watch her fade into the forest.

As I think of plays I cannot decide which I would want to see.

I would treasure the experience of any I think. I live through the internet experiencing all of the museums I would like to see. I adore Egyptian, Greek, and Roman artifacts, but I have so many other things as well that I love to stare at and admire. I could live in museums as well as a bookstore, a lifetime of being swallowed up in all of the history. I could live happily for an eternity with each passing decade of time soaking up the history, their lifestyles, their art, and all of their lives from disasters to great achievements. I wish I could get my brain to gather it all up and remember everything!

My dreams of experiencing some of these things can be more of a reality once we move.

There is just not much of that around here, or the facilities to do it. Most of all I hope for the kids to experience these things, as they get old enough to appreciate them. I hope they get to experience a great ballet or play at least once in their young life. At first I was not exactly sure what triggered all of this. Then, it hit me. I had people in my life, friends and otherwise who did not enjoy these things. I had to hide my wants and desires and pretend that I didn’t care about them. My childhood was spent reading and imagining what it was going to be like one day to experience these things. As I grew older I felt unworthy to even think I should have thoughts of experiencing them. I felt like the lowly theater that I had watched the magnificent ballerinas perform in.

Even my eyes and ears were not allowed to experience this kind of beauty.

My mom did take my sisters to such things later when she was able to afford it, but I was living in another state by then. My third boyfriend loved these things, but for some reason we never went to anything. As I recall he did not take me anywhere. He would go to such prestigious things without me. I am not sure why, but I felt like he was embarrassed of me. I felt like I was not “classy” enough to participate. I do not know if that is true, but based on his actions and words I came to that conclusion.

 I stopped listening to any sort of instrumental music for a long time.

I convinced myself that I did not like it. I would not allow myself to listen to any of the great composers or any of the most recent treasures that tap the ears nowadays. If asked about classical music I would often say that I didn’t like it, much like many things that I just did not want to talk about. I believe classical and instrumental music caused too many triggers about dancing, and the things I didn’t feel I could experience. The music does open up my imagination and creates dances in my mind. They unleash poetry, and images that I would not allow myself to have. The people that had been in my life did not understand music like that or the significance of listening to an opera in all French or Russian. It melts my heart to think of it as I write. I could have experienced these things when I lived in a big city, during my young adult life, but I just didn’t.

I didn’t allow myself.

I didn’t want to feel. It is the same reason for not allowing me to read, or to write. I did not want to feel or experience things that made me happy because they were wrapped up in too many things that made me unhappy. I had been stripped of dignity and self-worth for so long that I thought I would taint such beauty in the world. I knew that I could be around nature and its beauty because the rain would cleanse it. I was allowed to talk to the flowers, the trees, the waters, and the animals because they could not be tainted. I have no idea how I twisted in my mind that music, art, and any form of performing arts were not allowed as a reality in my world. David has experienced many of these things, I am not jealous, but I have interrogated him for his experiences many times to live through them. I live vicariously through his stories of him and his ex-wife (She is German so I enjoy hearing about her, she also sounds like a really good person.) on their adventures across Europe, visiting her family all across Germany, and going to plays, operas, the symphony, and whatever. It sounds so lovely.

There are actually several things that triggered these thoughts.

I will not go through all of the connections, but one was this video that I thought was great. Pretending to be normal: A photo story of Asperger’s Syndrome. I have also been informed by my mom that she is taking me to Savannah, GA for my birthday that is in a few months. We will be going for the whole weekend! I have always wanted to go there. One of my other favorite movies takes place there Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil . Oh, I still have not read the book, I think I might. I am so excited, and worried. I have never left the children for any longer than a few hours. She told me ahead of time so I can prepare myself, them, and David. I am the main issue I think.   I can’t wait to experience what it’s like there. There are so many things to see! The other cool thing is that my mom will get to experience the things that she loves, since we both tend to be history buffs. She has only gone with my sisters and grandmother. All three of them do not like to walk around a lot, their main interest is food, and they do not get excited by the history of places.

The last time my mom and I were alone doing anything like this was before my first sister was born. 27 years?! Wow!

We are going to have a magnificent time. I can’t wait to see all of the graveyards! Oh, yea! Yes, I am clapping and typing and saying: “Yea!” out loud. Our main problem will be remembering to eat — we’ll want to see and do as much as possible. It will be a real test for me as well with leaving the children with David…alone. It’s not that I don’t trust him — I am not really sure what it is. Hmm…Control issues? Possibly, but I do not want to talk about that right now. I know it will be fine, it is just new and a new step into my independence as well for the children and David. After thinking about it a bit more, I feel stolen experiences whether stolen from yourself or others can quite possibly be taken back, depending on the experience of course. We can also change them, enhance, and turn them into some other grand experiences. Woot!

Until I get to experience some of the things I wish to I will gladly watch (listen to) them on YouTube.

Waltz of the Snowflakes Royal Ballet

Saint-Saens – Introduction & Rondo Capriccioso (Perlman)

Smithsonian

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It is no secret that my mind is constantly going. It never stops, even in my sleep it seems to be trying to explain things to me. Apparently I am supposed to have listening ears, and I am gaining some major ground in my independence and creativity. Well according to some dreams interpretations, I can interpret it that way because I do like cats. If I did not like cats it would be a completely different outcome. I do like looking things up from all kinds of sources, but I know that the bottom line is my brain is processing what I already know.

The question is if I want to listen or not.

My dreams have managed to wake up some memories that I had forgotten. Many were traumatic, but I am in a good place to work through them. A main reason for this is gaining the understanding that you are allowed and validated in calling out the wrongs that have been done to you. It is valid to say that you are angry, upset, or affected emotionally in some way by what people have done. Realistically I know this, I teach my kids this, and I give them a voice to speak openly. I am constantly telling others the same thing, but for some reason it has not applied to me. I have said that it does, but I did not accept it. I still held on to guilt about speaking out my fears, anger, hurts, and even joys.

It was a huge revelation to me to comprehend that it does not have to be black-and-white.

I watched a program where they were doing intense therapy, I was very happy to know that I have been on the right track with my own healing. I also got confirmation that in these months that I have been doing this emotional work my sudden outbreaks of emotional devastation and crying spurts are very normal. This has been hard to accept for a person who has not allowed true release while shedding tears — they were just salty waters that fell. The trauma and pain was still trapped inside a locked box. It also revealed that I had been in denial for years, which can cause you to think that you have dealt with things when you actually have not. Or that there was (is) no problem at all.

This explains my repeating loop pattern over certain events because I did not really deal with them.

It is very important to understand and accept too that there are many layers to trauma. One of my main problems was that I didn’t think that I was traumatized — I believed what people told me that I was “just overreacting”. I have clusters of trauma throughout my life, some of it more devastating because of my Aspie mind, but still some of the things that I have gone through “normal” people would have a hard time with as well. Trauma is trauma every person is affected differently, just like stress, and it all matters. We all have to deal with it or block in whatever way to help us cope.

I have managed a lot of my trauma by hiding.

I hid behind masks, I used mirroring as a way to cope, I used friends or significant others to shadow, I used alcohol, and various other things as a way to escape into my own world. I forgot the things that started me hiding my writings, poetry, and stories. I used to write songs also, but I would not dare tell someone that after the way dad responded. He didn’t really express any interest at all, but a few years later when my little sister wrote a song it was all he talked about. He told me about the events of it being created and then, when they came to visit us he played guitar for her and they both sang the song together. I was not jealous, I was confused. I was happy for her. I thought it was great, but I knew that I had to hide my response because my dad would have accused me of being jealous — I have been accused of being jealous of my sisters a lot. I am not we are completely different, and I like that. Many times my response to things like I just mentioned was taken as jealousy.

I was confused, I believe rightfully so. 

AND I do not feel guilty for saying that. I cannot recall attempting to write any songs since then. While in high school my first boyfriend would invade my room. He read my diaries and that caused me to stop writing my true feelings. I wrote in my notebooks and hid them in my locker, he found them. I got in trouble, and one time he threw the spiral notebook at face cutting my cheek in the lunch room. In front of my “friends” one of which ended up being my second boyfriend, who did nothing. I will mention here as well that during lunch one day my second boyfriend to be called me “Moose Hicky”. I got up and left holding back the tears until I got to the bathroom. He was always making fun of me, but telling me that they were just jokes and that I should lighten up. He did that throughout our whole relationship.

I could not tell friend from foe, and I assumed that I was wrong and he was right.

I digress — my first boyfriend went through all of my things, all of the time. I started to hide things that I wrote in my basement. I would hide poems and things behind my cassette tape cases. I hid things in my books because he never touched my books. I hid my writings in my mom’s album sleeves. Then, came a day when all of my diaries were gone. I had not been writing “real” things in them because I knew that he would read them. I still started to panic though. They were gone. They were mine and they were gone. I asked my mom about them, but she was the extreme opposite and would not go in my room or touch anything of mine like that because of her parents invading her space while growing up. She swore that she would never do that to her children. She knew nothing about me or what was going on in my room unless it was too messy or I got in trouble then she would remove my doors so that I had no privacy at all.

I asked my step dad if he knew where they were, he claimed not to know.

I discovered later that he lied, when his truck was impounded after their divorce, the truck was in my mom’s name so she had to get it back and pay for it — I found them hidden under his seat. I also discovered a while later from my first boyfriend when my step dad and his friends would go deer hunting they would get drunk and stoned sitting around reading my diaries. My first boyfriend had similar connections in town since he and my step dad both did drugs. I was beyond devastated. I was sick for weeks, at least I had them back, but I stopped eating and sank into depression. From then on I made sure that I hid everything very well. I did not start sharing my writing again until I shared my poetry, songs, and other writings with family.

I received what felt like mostly indifference, silence or comparisons with other family members.

I will say not all of all them responded that way, but since it’s so hard to read people I was not sure what their responses meant. I assumed that my writings and what I had to share had little value. I still had the impact of my mom’s response from years earlier as well that stuck in my thoughts. I had hidden away my imagination and emotions and only allowed myself to write prayers or petitions to God. I still wrote, but I hid them on my computers, tucked away in the middle of prayer journals, and various other places never to be seen. I normally told no one that I wrote anything. I started writing stories again in 2009, but would not allow myself to finish. I didn’t begin writing poetry truly connecting to my own emotions or thoughts until I started the poetry blog. I actually started that one so I could use the “like” button, not to put my poetry out there, but I found that it was helping me. When I started sharing some of my short stories by creating another blog for them it started making me feel more comfortable. Slowly I have been working through my fear of sharing, and coming out of hiding even more.

It is a huge feat for me to overcome these fears and share what I write.

It wasn’t only that people read my innermost thoughts or violated me, but that they mocked me that helped to form these fears. My first boyfriend made fun of me or got angry and violent. I found out that my step dad and his friends sat around laughing and mocking me as well. I think I was between 14-15 years old when all of that happened. My first boyfriend continued this invasion of my notebooks, room, lockers, and later my car until I was finally able to be rid of him. That is another long story. All of this made me hide, and hide my writings. I have taken back my writing, and most days I feel comfortable with sharing. I welcome constructive criticism I do not see that as rejection, but a helpful tool. The difference with sharing now is that I am not being violated — I am sharing freely so now the fear lies in another form of rejection.

Though it does not consume me, well most days it doesn’t.

I managed to get some stories out in the past few months by forcing myself to not edit and just let the story flow. I have also been attempting story poems, or longer poems. I am trying new things. I have many hidden away on my computer, but I have been afraid to read them again because of what I may have written. I have only shared a few of them with people, and got derailed a bit my no response. I decided to treat it as I do with this blog I just write on here more freely than in the past, but I allow myself to share. That is one reason why I started my story blog to write a story and not care so much about the grammar, and writing rules. I wanted to allow myself to write whatever I felt. I was forcing myself to face my fear. I have allowed my imagination to go free. It takes a lot for me to share stories or poetry because I feel very exposed. They are a part of me that has not been allowed out for quite some time.

I think this, I can define as an accomplishment.

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Ariel gave me the title of this post. I wanted to share this story because it is another developmental progression for Daniel. The whole thing started with Daniel getting very angry at his Perplexus game. In the last few months he has been working on the concept of winning and losing. He does not like to lose. He had been twisting and turning the game trying to get the tiny ball through the maze, almost winning multiple times. Finally, it got to him that he was not winning. He started to cry, and asked “Why am I not winning?”

It took some time to calm him down.

I managed to get him to lift his head from his hands, and look up by losing at the game several times myself. I lost and then expressed myself by saying things like “Oh, darn I lost again. I will keep trying, I guess.”He started to look at me and then would put his face in his hands and say: “Oh, no. Oh, no.” He told me to stop one time, but then I said something about being done playing and trying again later. He was not satisfied, but calmed down some.

He then got upset again.

However, this time he went on the couch and covered himself with a blanket. I asked him if he was alright, and he said: “No.” He continued to say things that I could not decipher, but then we had this conversation: (Joshua is upstairs with David, daddy time.)

Daniel: I’m leaving.

Me: You are leaving? Where are you going?

Daniel: I am leaving far, far away. (He looked at me then, he covered himself with the blanket again.)

Me: Are you going to Mars?

Daniel: Yes, I am going to Mars.

Me: In a rocket ship?

Daniel: Yes, I just did. It takes for a long time.

Me: What is it like on Mars?

Daniel and Ariel: All red.

Daniel: Venus is yellow.

Ariel: Now I am going to Mars. Look Daniel is the first kid on Mars. No wait we are the first two kids on Mars.

After all of that they decided to leave Mars and read some books.

There are some major things that Daniel did today. He understood a little more today that it is alright if you lose. He was able to calm himself, with little help from me. He has never made a statement about leaving before, which prompted me to ask him if he knew what that meant. Here is the conversation:

Me: Daniel do you know what it means to leave?

Daniel: It means to go somewhere, because I was mad.

Me: What or who were you mad at?

Daniel: At brain (that’s what he calls his game “my brain”) I played and played and did not win.

Me: You were mad at brain and wanted to leave?

Daniel: Yes, because I could not win. I am mad at brain, and wanted to leave.

Me: Are you still mad? Do you still want to leave?

Daniel: No, I am not mad. Brain needs to go in the garage.

Me: So are you ok now? Is everybody fine?

Daniel: Yes, everybody’s fine. Ok.

Sometimes I cannot believe that he is talking to me like this.

This is the first holiday season that has not been meltdown madness from October until the end of January. There have been moments, but they have not lasted long at all. Daniel has learned positive coping mechanism like going in his room alone and reading or just looking at books instead of continuing to be aggressive. He continues to learn to express what he is angry or upset at in many more ways. The rest of us have been able to read him much better as well. It has made a huge difference having David, Ariel, and Joshua understand Daniel’s frustrations.

I still need to explain why Daniel is behaving a certain way at times.

The difference is everyone is more understanding, and relating in their own way by thinking of similar things that cause them frustration. It is very clear that Daniel is feeling safer at expressing himself, and feels like he is being heard. It has made a huge difference in his interactions with everyone. He has been talking nonstop — he is repeating many scripts to himself. Some of his frequent scripts are about emotions, his emotions and other people’s emotions. I believe his scripting has helped in learning to calm himself as well. Possibly my own change of attitude toward the holidays helped the month of December.

Next year I will do better with October and November.

On another note I happened to hear this poem on a movie that was background noise for me earlier, (I don’t know what the movie was.) and thought some of you may enjoy it as well. So many poems to read so little time…and music to listen to…and books to read…and dances to dance…and paintings to adore…and sculptures to love…and pictures to seek…and skies to keep…I think I need to stop listening to music I always open the floodgates with music. I can’t help it! I’m not stopping!

i carry your heart with me by E. E. Cummings

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

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I am utterly shocked at the news that David shared with me this morning. I want to point out that it may not be as devastating to others as it is to me, but it was shocking. He confessed that he did not like a band that I am rather fond of. A band that was pivotal in my life, during my heavy metal era. They were actually the only band that I was obsessed with, did not have a crush on any of the band members, their lyrics rang deep into my spirit, and the screechy vocals and guitar riffs soothed my aching soul.  I related deeply to the sounds and the songs, and they both comforted me in my isolated feelings and depression.

I liked a lot of different music, but heavy metal did something for me.

I believe now it caused deep pressure and was much like a hug machine for me. Even though I am not a fan of crowds I was frequently found at rock concerts. I spent a large portion of my teenage years and young adult life at rock concerts. When I became a Christian I traded my “secular” concerts for Christian music concerts. Many times the music was as much “rock” as I could get. The sounds and feel of concerts energized me. I loved watching people sing in unison at any genre of concert. There is something about people all singing together that moves me. I would normally have my eyes closed, or I would fixate on one of the band members singing or playing their instrument. But when I would hear the band stop playing and everyone would start to sing together, I would open my eyes and watch.

It is such a magical moment.

I can see waves flow from the mouths of people, the calm enter, and for a moment in time there is complete peace. It occurs with only certain types of songs, but when it does I am so happy to stand outside of myself and watch the dancing notes floats around. This band that I was talking about will be inducted in to the Rock Hall of Fame. I had every album, (except the 2008) I sat up all night listening to them many times, and I would lie in my bed and let my emotion’s work through the tunes. I did this with several other bands as well, but I am talking about this one because I just got their greatest hits off of iTunes (gift card, yea!). I have been listening to them.

I have allowed myself to listen to them.

When I stopped listening to anything except Christian/worship music I threw out their albums along with many others…tons. I threw out all of my concert shirts and ticket stubs that I had collected. I cried when I threw them all out, I felt like I was doing the right thing at the time. Maybe I was for that moment in time, but now I wish I had them all back. I never got to see this band in concert and I was sad about that, they are none other than Guns-N-Roses. I was so excited when I discovered during my still listening to them phase that my boss went to school with Axl Rose. He was not much impressed with him and told me so, but he knew my love for their music and shared whatever questions I had.

It was so ironic to me because we were both over a thousand miles away from our hometowns.

Yet, he knew the lead singer of one of my all time favorite bands. It really isn’t that ironic I guess, but we can pretend. I do not know how David and I got on the topic of music this morning, but for some reason G N’ R came up. He then disclosed his lack of enthusiasm about the band. Let me explain in a little more detail my obsession with the band, I knew every single lyric to every song even if I thought it was not that great. I could play air drums and guitar to perfection to each song, AND I had (still) Axl’s Rose’s dance down to perfection. I learned the majority of that dance first from Davie Jones of The Monkees — he does it quite well in this video of Daydream Believer. (Horrible sound quality, sorry…you can see it at around 1:26)

I connected to the band so much because it spoke my heart during that time in my life.

I read everything I could about them, and collected information about their lives. How could David not love them?? I know, I know not everyone is going to like my music. David is more on the punk rockish side, while I am more on the head banging side. Ha ha ha We do have different tastes in music for sure, but we are not limited to those genres. It is just funny to say. I bring this band up because I tried listening to them a while back and it hurt too much. I forced myself to listen to them, and write out what I was feeling. There was a lot going on in my life while I was listening to their music. It was between 1987-1993 that some of the most traumatic events happened to me, in regards to me listening to this band to sooth me. (I threw out all of my cd’s and tapes in 1999, and started replacing them with new music.). My favorite of their albums were Use Your Illusion I and Use Your Illusion II. I waited in excited anticipation for those to come out.

During that time my best friend got pregnant.

She moved in with her new boyfriend and the one time sealed at the hip pods that we were was now severed. I ended up moving in with my second boyfriend, who did not attach to me like my friend. My friend’s brother was killed in a horrible car accident, and I did not know how to process the loss of her as a friend. I lost her to her new man, and then she completely changed after her brother died. I didn’t even know how to process his death because he was my first boyfriend’s cousin, and his best friend in the whole world. He was also very mean to me, lied about me, made fun of me, got girls to go out with my ex while were together, he was just plain mean. He called me horrible names. I was overwhelmed with the sadness for them, and the conflict of my own relief that this bully in my life was gone.

I felt horrible, and like an evil person.

I didn’t understand how so many people could love him. He was not only mean to me either, there were plenty of people including his family that he was mean to. I witnessed several times his bullying or tormenting being lashed out on his sisters, mother, and various other people in the family. Apparently around the end of his young life he had changed, and started to be a lot nicer. He got back with his ex-girlfriend who was very sweet, and they got pregnant. His life was changing, and my friend even told me that he had said very nice things about me before his death. I do not know if it is true or not. I didn’t realize how much that all affected me because I am currently tearing up a little bit. I have carried guilt for my feelings toward him — I felt abandoned by my friend I have tried to not let anyone get that close to me again. I felt emotionally abandoned by my boyfriend at the time. I started cutting myself regularly at that time. (I stopped cutting around 1994 I forced myself to stop, but still had the urges.) It was a very lonely and confusing time in my life.

It is a huge triumph to be able to listen to this band without any of these triggers hurting me.

There are several favorite songs I have of theirs, but three stuck in me Don’t Cry, I held on to and trusted in the lyrics to get me through to the next morning on some nights. Civil War rang in my spirit, and still does, and November Rain because where I lived the November rain was so cold, and seemed to last a lifetime. Also, because I believed them, I felt the lyrics and believed in them. I sat many nights sending out my thoughts, fears, aches, desperate cries of isolation, and longing out into the universe to be heard. I felt somehow all of me would be caught with others in this musical connection and it made me feel not so alone.

I don’t feel those specific alone feelings anymore, even those feelings that rose recently.

I have listened to the songs, sang loud, and did my Axl Rose dance with vengeance! Woot! Maybe they will do a reunion…probably not. I can pretend, and create a whole rock concert in my living room like I used to. I haven’t even started the New Year here and already I am making some great changes in my life. I am looking forward to 2012. I know I am still working through things, but I feel stronger and stronger every day in who I am…becoming. I am also feeling able to be myself without a care. I still cannot believe David doesn’t like Guns-n-Roses, pure silliness. I’m kidding! I shouldn’t be surprised he doesn’t like a lot of my music, I always forget! I guess I have a good memory for certain things. Lol!

I bid you Happy New Year, I am leaving with a lovely song, and some clouds!!

The song is not a Guns and Roses song. It is much tamer and French!

Carla Bruni – L’Amoureuse

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You can add me to these two great moments of visual grandness.

KHAAAAAAN!

WHEATON!

It’s five days after Christmas and we received the new Lego January 2012 Catalog.

Ordinarily I would not be so upset, but truth be told Lego has nabbed me! OMG! They have the coolest new items and I want them too. On pages 16-19 they have the most awesome dinosaur sets. Ariel wants those she loves dinosaurs. BUT on pages 22-25 be still my heart  Super Hero sets! They have Cat Woman and Wonder Woman! I love them. I am a secret fan of Batman as well, not some of the movies that have come out though. I used to be addicted to The Batman Animated series. I had to hide watching it at a certain time in my life because my boyfriend at the time would get upset with me for watching cartoons.

I still watched them when he wasn’t around which was often.

I could also later be found watching Superman: The Animated Series. I have always been a Wonder Woman and Cat Woman fan. I watched the older shows when I was a kid. I thought Batman was hilarious, I listened to the theme song album that my my mom had during particular music cycles of mine as a kid. POW! My mom loved Batman, still does. I wanted to be Wonder Woman or Cat Woman and would (still) pretend that I was. Hee hee. SO now I am longingly looking at the sets wanting to build Batman’s awesome Batcave, Batmobile, and Batwing. Plus Cat Woman’s Cat cycle rocks.

LEEEEEGGGGOOOOO!

Alright so now you know.

I am not big into comics, but I did like the shows. I have spoken briefly about Wonder Woman in past a post, but I do not think that I have confessed my cartoon favorites other than Pinky & The Brain. I went through a period of cartoon addiction because I watched my sisters after school and work, we would spend time together watching Sailor Moon, Gargoyles, Animaniacs, and various other cartoons that I cannot recall now.

I also introduced them to the Goosebumps TV Show.

It did get my youngest sister of the two into reading the books, reading is good…right? My mom was not too thrilled and I am currently blamed for my sister’s vampire, skull, and Gothic fixations.  I am afraid it is quite possibly true, I will not protest since I did convince them both that I was a real vampire. It helped my case with all of Gothic decor, and library of books about the history of vampires. Not to mention my Anne Rice collection of novels as well. Which are long gone now, too bad she would probably love to have them.

I am pretty much just writing a silly post.

I have been working through some other thoughts that have given me more clarity to the “why” questions of some past choices I made during my later teenage and young adult life. This has helped me a great deal, in being released from negative thoughts about myself. I have also been focused on going over my book. I am going to have a friend read it through so I am a bit nervous. I know that she will be honest and helpful, and I need that.

I am excited that I have followed through on it and have not given up.

I find that to be a great accomplishment. The fact that I did not self-edit to the point of giving up is a big deal. The fact that I allowed myself to write whatever I felt is huge. The fact that I am letting someone else read it, and I am not hiding it is a big deal too. I read a blog a couple weeks ago, I cannot recall where it is now, but the guy mentioned that you should write down your accomplishments. I am not usually big into things like that, but the way he worded it made it sound reasonable to me. I thought about those of us who have anxiety, and how important it is to write down our accomplishments.

Anxiety can blur so many things.

Our accomplishments can get jaded, or lost in the midst of negative thinking or feeling physically drained. Things tend to seal better in the brain when we write them out, I decided to try it and see what happens. It has been keeping me rather positive.   The hardest part of writing out accomplishments for me is that I do not know what they are usually. I tend to think that everything I do is simple, or just what everyone does so I do not see how it is an accomplishment. I am working on changing my pattern of thinking there. However, I do find building an awesome Lego set to be quite an accomplishment.

Those things are hard sometimes!

I am currently listening to Ariel and Joshua go through the Lego catalog and say what they need to get. Sigh…They just got the Lego sets they have been waiting “forever” for. I do admit it is a bit harder to say no when I want them myself. Daniel is starting to want more Lego helicopters and airplanes as well. They have some pretty cool new flying machines in the catalog also. We’ll just have to watch for sales. We are currently in no spending mode to save up for the move.

I think I’ll hide the catalog from all of us.

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On Monday what looked like a Yin-Yang showed up in my coffee and I thought that was so funny. I had to take a picture. Yesterday I woke up to a yellow sky. I came out of the bedroom and through the window the sky was smiling yellow right at me. I had to take a picture. I have painted several paintings and have listened to some quite lovely music. In the midst of all of this the kids are still doing well after the big holiday hooray. I have been waiting for the ball to drop. It still has not, so I have been trying to keep focused, and accept this peaceful state.

The kids and I are just taking it easy.

We will start back to school next week. They have been playing with their new toys, and watching movies. The ones that have been on repeat are Megamind and How to Train Your Dragon. Both of which I am fond of so yea! Oddly Joshua is the one having a bit of a rough time this year. He has just been cranky and argumentative about the accuracy of stories, and Star Wars. It has been strangely calm overall…Alright I am taking it easy a little bit — I did read this Girls on the Spectrum: Q&A with the Author of Aspergirls and thought it had some great information in it. It taps on subjects that I have spoken about regarding myself. I will say again anything that I read that helps give me confirmation that I am not the only one helps me. The thing with my anxiety and random social fears is that it can temporarily make me forget certain truths.

Such as we are NOT alone.

When anxiety hits it seems to knock out my ability to remember that what I feel and deal with many others also experience. Accepting my anxiety and not feeling bad for having it is helping, but irrational thoughts still arise. It is good for me to continue to read things that remind me that it is ok to be this way, and that I am not going to miraculously change. I am how I am and Ooh La La that is all I will say. Hee hee

Given that I am not harmful, or destructive to myself of course.

I have been thinking about why I drank in the past lately. It is directly linked to some of my past relationships, I am sure that is why I have been thinking about it. I may talk about this in more detail with relationships and alcohol in a future post. This section of the Q & A got me thinking even more about it.

Do you think girls self-medicate in other ways too?

I have been asked that. I’ve interviewed many people and asked if they drink recreationally or smoke pot, and what I’m finding is we like to use drugs in small doses. But because our bodies are so intolerant, it almost seems like we can’t abuse [drugs too much] because we get so sick. We are so sensitive even to vitamins or prescription drugs. We tend to need one-third of what other people need.

-Rudy Simone-

I have not been a fan of drugs in anyway, but me and drugs…very bad…very bad.

That includes over-the-counter and prescription drugs. Painkillers make me hyper and they do not ease much pain, I have more luck with ibuprofen. Sleeping pills keep me awake and wired, NyQuil makes me pass out and feel drunk the next morning. Sinus medicine makes me feel like I am on speed. If I take a full dose of a multivitamin I will get hot flashes and dizzy. Anti-depressants make me feel suicidal. Um…yeah, drugs and me bad…very bad. When I did drink it was not recreational, I was on a mission. My purpose for drinking was to get drunk so I could be social. I would also drink so I would not think about anyone touching me. I used it to help me override my anxiety. I used it to block out my sensory issues. I used it to stop my brain from constantly analyzing. I would drink so I could sleep, really I would drink until I passed out.

I could not stop my brain from thinking and linking things causing me to think about more things.

I spent many nights alone with my books, movies, and music when I drank. It would drown out all of the loops from the conversations of the day. Or the situations that I was living in. Sometimes, like now, I could not make the loops stop. Although, in the last few months I have managed to get a grip on this by filtering it through writing, or directly telling the person that I am looping. This has helped to stop irrational fears as well.

I didn’t want to drink.

Many times it made me sick, there were several occasions where I believe the only reason I did not die from alcohol positioning was because I made myself get sick. I was not a good drunk. I don’t know if there really is a good drunk, but I mean my emotions, sensory issues, or social anxiety would manifest through different means when I was drunk. I thought it was helping, but it was actually making me worse. I think I could just get away with more things because I could say that I was drunk. I will not go into detail, but it is just not good for me. I had to stop drinking altogether because I cannot drink in moderation. Even now it has been so long that having a small glass of wine makes me all freaky Friday.

So I do not touch anything.

It is much like drugs, vitamins, and certain types of chemicals in food. They can mess with my mind and body. I am prone to addictive behavior, but now I see that much of that was because I would not allow myself to stim. Actually, I cannot think of anything now that I am showing that type of behavior with…maybe pictures, and reading information. I believe that allowing myself to paint has helped also. It is a good stim for me because I just paint whatever. I have no ambitions to be a great painter it just feels good. It has helped me in many ways to allow myself to attempt the things that I had previously told myself I was not allowed to do.

As I was writing this I wondered what my purpose for this post was.

I believe it is so I can see how far I have come. I spent a lot of time feeling guilty and shameful for drinking so much. I didn’t do stupid things other than get in heated arguments with people (mostly guys who I found to be obnoxious) when I was drunk. I did fall a few times, but I do that when I am not drunk so who cares. I just took a chunk of guilt feelings and eliminated them by writing this. I did what I had to do to survive during that time. It was the only coping mechanism I knew. Later it became God and church, I see how that can be detrimental as well. Now I am not forcing myself to do things that I don’t want to. I am not making myself feel bad for things that I am incapable of doing. I do not feel guilty, or wrong. I am finding that Yin-Yang state that I asked for in prayer for such a long time. In actuality I am starting to accept my balance. And I am very thankful for my yellow Tuesday that I have been waiting forever to see in reality.

I truly do not need to drink or do drugs for recreation because my world is already quite “trippy”.

Here are the pictures to prove it. I seem to be using a lot of blues in many of my paintings the last couple months. I guess I am in my blue period, though I am no Picasso…indeed. :- ) The Yin-Yang started to spread out before I could grab the camera so it’s not as tightly shaped as it was at first.

Added December 29th: I just realized that I wrote this on Monday “All of this stuff makes me creative and see the world with bright yellow goggles.” Then Tuesday morning the sky was yellow, how funny! Maybe it’s just my perception and I made up the yellow sky…but I do have other witnesses so I guess they are trippy too.

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Alright after yesterday I could not let go of the thoughts about how I perceive things. I got really focused on perception, and the web search began. As I was explaining that I have a constant story going on in my mind I wrote:

I think that I do this because I know and have known my whole life that my perception can be off. In order to make sure that I am as accurate as possible I have created a lifelong story to maintain detailed memories. I will not say that I am 100% accurate in my perception, but my memory is quite good. Unless I am overloaded then, my short-term memory can get jumbled. However, I am usually able to keep an accurate memory, though my perception may be off.

Now that I think of it, my story telling is most likely scripting.

I have learned to control talking out loud the scripts that are racing in my mind or repeating what others say…most of the time. I still say things and I still type things thinking that people know what I am talking about. I forget that they cannot hear what is going on in my mind. Lol! The more I think about it I think that I may be wrong about my perception. My perception may not be that off. I believe I have found yet another source of anxiety that I can control. My fear of perceiving things wrong stems from me feeling like I am being judgmental instead of perceptive. Or that I am inaccurate in how a person feels based solely on their words and actions. I realize that most people do not share what they are truly feeling. I know that I have had this epiphany before, the problem is, I will not remember. It is a perception thing and people can change from day to day.

With some people the person they want you to perceive them as changes on a daily bases.

People who do that have caused me to doubt my own perception skills. It has also caused me to seek out as much information to create a lasting memory to help me know how a person feels about me or about others. My mix up with the definition of perception and being judgmental was picked up by me while I was around certain groups of people. I also got the mix up from family members throughout my life. It has caused me to doubt what I feel/see, be anxious, and then be consumed with irrational thoughts. (I plan on doing a whole post about irrational thoughts at some point.)

In one of the shows I talked about yesterday, they showed a screen of words that were colors.

Instead of the letters being red for the word red, they were yellow. Or the letters in the word yellow were green. I do not know if those were the exact colors because I was in the middle of brushing Daniel’s teeth, but when I would look up and saw each word, I shouted out the correct word, not the color of the letters. Here is a picture that may help get a feel of what I mean.

Based on the definition of perception I was actually very perceptive while many other people were not based on the TV program.

It got me thinking about me, autism, and perception. I thought about the times that I have been very perceptive, but others convinced me that I was wrong. After years and years of having this done to me, I finally accepted that I lacked any perceptive skills. However, that goes against who I am and how my brain works. Those with sensory integration issues, like myself, are VERY perceptive of their surroundings (sometimes it may be detailed, and specific). Many times it looks like we are not because we shutdown. Or go into meltdown mode. The intensity of emotional, physical, and sensory combined can be too much to bear at times.

It is much like empathy — we do not lack it many times we don’t know what to do with it.

There have been many occasions when I knew that people were lying, or they were not very nice people. I would voice my concerns with others and they would tell me that I was wrong. Have you ever noticed that many charismatic people tend to gain the trust of the masses? Have you ever heard of the famous doctor serial killer Marcel Petiot? He was supposedly very charismatic, charming, intelligent, and a doctor! Even though he had gotten busted for thieving while he was mayor, people still supported him. He continued to steal and be shady — I guess he remedied any issues by moving to Paris and using his charms there. (Until he got caught, that is.)

I find all of that so interesting because we as humans can be so easily swayed.

We can doubt ourselves based on group think, or status think. Many bullies get away with things because the perception is, they are a good student, a star athlete, or a teacher’s pet. Many people in our lives can convince us that what we perceive is wrong based on their own fears, insecurities, or desires. I personally have had so much hope in the good of people that I have challenged my own gut instincts, and changed my perception. I think my mom and David have been the only two to see me consistently call out people who are not being honest, forthright, or deceptive.

Thinking about it more I do have several friends who have witnessed this with me.

I forget that I do have several friends that I have kept for over 10 years. My bad…My memory is proving to fail me.   I had learned to not say anything and to sit in doubt and confusion. Both of them have also caused me to question myself as well, but I know that they were not trying to hurt me. (They tend to be distrustful of people.) I have been right about people being good when others have perceived them as bad as well.

They had their own personal reasons, but I felt confident enough to challenge them after a while.

I still was not sure of myself and would loop about what I thought, what I saw, what I heard, why they did not believe me, and a zillion other questions. After watching some of these videos, reading some more information, and also going over my perception skills, I have come to the conclusion that I am not as far-off as I thought. We have to learn to trust our instincts, but also know that we can be heavily influenced by our wants, fears, other people’s perceptions, and how we view the world. I am going to work on fine tuning my perception skills so I can trust myself a little bit more. I know, just like my memory it will not be 100% accurate, (no one is) but it is worth it to stop anxiety and irrational thoughts.

I read through this article again Navigating Love and Autism and compared some things to my own experiences.

The section about Kristen and her boyfriend at the time hit a nerve. It made me recognize how I picked up a faulty perception of myself based on many similar words spoken to me from family, friends, and ex’s. The section begins with this:

“Kirsten’s two previous boyfriends had broken up with her, too, and her current boyfriend was an unlikely match — a charismatic extrovert with soulful blue eyes who thrived on meeting new people. But when she admitted at the outset of their senior year in high school that she envied his social ease, he had embraced the role of social coach.” (emphasis added)

As I read many of the comments that her ex-boyfriend made to her it was a flash of my own life.

I see how people in my life have perceived me as cold, rude, uncouth, and juvenile at times. They would then decide to take me under their wing to guide me into proper social “fitting in” ways. It would work for a while, but I always end up saying or doing something not “right”.   The whole article is packed full of greatness, and it helped me to gain a bit more understanding about myself. It is also a great resource to help the kids as they get older. I am so happy to have people of all ages opening up and sharing their stories, it is going to pave a path for our kids to succeed so many ways.  Hopefully it will help change the perception and stigma in a lot of areas not only autism. I have a lot more to ponder so I am going to stop with that.

I watched these videos that were interesting as well:

Beau Lotto: Optical illusions show how we see

In this talk about optical illusions at the end he is explaining how they are transforming color into sound, I chuckled a bit because my mind already does that.

BBC Horizon: Do you see what I see? “The Himba tribe”

I did point out the different green square before they pointed it out. I can’t find the rest of the video.

Do You See What I See? (I can’t get this one to play, but maybe some of you can.)

Update: I have currently tried to correct this post 8 times, and I am driving myself batty. If there are any inconsistencies or if I am not making sense, just let it slide. I have gotten brain clutter I think from everything I consumed, and I am having a hard time filtering. So now I am going to go paint. Dippity-doo!

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All of my fixations can be directly linked to my special interests. I call them fixations because they are not exactly my special interests, but feed into them. My main special interests would be spirituality, numbers, music, and literature (words in any form really). I make direct links to all of them in my mind and they branch out into other links. The brain and how it works I link to all of the interests I have mentioned, as well as space, nature, people, food, and many other things. If I see a picture I can link it to a number, or something that I read in a book, or saw in a movie. If I hear a word I can many times link it to a sound, a song perhaps, or the brush of wind blowing on a particular day years and years ago.

I didn’t realize it until last night that I am constantly telling myself a story.

I know that I am always talking in my head, but I didn’t grasp what I was doing until last night. Pause. Quantum leap ahead for a moment. I have been getting sucked into the National Geographic Channel recently, last week I watched Do Parallel Universes Exist? And then last night I watched Brain Games.  I would like to go into great detail about parallel universes, but I will control myself. I admit it is very hard. David mentioned an article sent to him by his father this morning about Quantum Entanglement and I got so excited. I had never heard of that, I started jumping up and squealing asking: “Oh, What is that?” I did hand flap and said: “Come on Sock Monkey, let’s go find out about quantum entanglement!” (While grabbing my sock monkey.)

Um…that would have been ok had David not been in the middle of a conversation with me.

Oops! I tried to contain myself to listen to him, but it was a little hard. I did apologize. See sidetracked again quantum leap back to the Brain Games section. They showed one on memory last night and it was so interesting. They had a simulated mugging, which the eyewitnesses did not know. They then questioned the eyewitnesses through various sets of inquiries, while the TV audience could participate as well. I could not believe all of the details they had forgotten and how they even confused them. My memory was spot on throughout the entire thing. (No, I did not use the DVR.) However, the one on perception well… I will say that I knew my brain has been messing with me my entire life. It’s so tricksy!!

I knew that my brain was missing something when they would give the perception tests.

It felt like all of my neurotransmitters were being forced to believe what was not true. I understood the false perception, but I could not make my brain stop seeing it as true. It captures my imagination so much that at times I have to cut myself off from this stuff. It is much like up in space, the galaxies, and the spreading blanket of blackness that is out there swimming with stars and planets. I get so wrapped up that I can lose myself here, or get really freaked out and panic at how big it all is.   The comprehension of our minds and how much our perceptions can be off can consume me.

I link it all to my special interests listed above.

Everything that we feel, think, see, or experience is filtered through some perception. Our perceptions are filtered through our experiences that may or may not be accurate. This brings me back to my original statement about telling myself a story all the time. In the memory video the neuroscientist said that our brains are wired for storytelling. We remember details much better when they are given through means of a story.

Everything that I experience is through a nonstop narrative going on in my mind.

I think that I do this because I know and have known my whole life that my perception can be off. In order to make sure that I am as accurate as possible I have created a lifelong story to maintain detailed memories. I will not say that I am 100% accurate in my perception, but my memory is quite good. Unless I am overloaded then, my short-term memory can get jumbled. However, I am usually able to keep an accurate memory, though my perception may be off.

Pictures are linked to stories, linked to movies, linked to songs, linked to faces.

It goes on and on. I have a never ending tale going on in my mind at all times. It gathers details and information and automatically converts into lyrics, poems, stories, and songs. I cannot recall a time ever that I have not had this going on, but I was also not wholly aware of it. I gain more and more understanding about this through reading things from people on the autism spectrum and other people who experience Synesthesia, or who are kind of quirky like me. I thought everyone did this. I thought everyone saw visuals in their mind, saw letters and numbers with colors, saw the vibrations floating in the air. I thought everyone was as interested in my interests and also that they experienced them in the same way. Some do share in my experiences, the majority do not.

No matter how many times I read or I am told this I do not remember because that is wrapped in perception.

When I seek out information about something I am not limited to what or why I am seeking it. Take my questions about my German ancestry — there was a series of other connections that made me question my mom about them. Granted I did want to feel connected to family, I also probed her about information about my dad’s family, and our Irish, English ancestry on her father’s side. BUT I wanted to know more about the German side because I had been reading about German mathematicians, writers, scientists, and artists. I was reading about them because a while ago I found a Google doodle that I loved.  (I have it on my desktop) It was for Mikhail Lomonosov’s 300th birthday. As I read about his education abroad, I connected other things that I had read not too long ago.

Then my grandma came to town which it is her family that came over from Germany.

This would be another reason for my questions about my ancestry, they are all linked. I do the same thing with my dad when I am with him about our American Indian (I do not know what is politically correct) ancestry. I think in my mind I may have wanted all of the questions answered to better understand myself. I want a correct history and perception so I have asked a lot. Each time during my interrogations I get more and more details and also bring up any inconsistencies. The whole time writing a story in my mind with words, sensory, and whatever colors my brain is tricking me with. My other fixation with Germany could very well be that I lived there as a child and I don’t remember, I have always wanted to go back, and it feels like I left something there. (My dragon maybe?? )

There is an American Indian museum in my hometown that I would literally beg my mom to take me to.

I always wanted to go there. I begged my grandma as well — she actually worked there several years ago. I don’t know why I wanted to be there, I just felt comfortable while I was there. I explored the homes, studied their artifacts, soaked in the history, and there were parts of it that were in a huge wide open field that I would just run and run in. They would let me run, leap, do my cartwheels, and flips as I laughed. I think my mom enjoyed watching me do that because she was happy I was not doing it inside our small trailer, or off of the couch.

Well there it is my brain swelling with all kinds of stuff again.

Back to my original quest here, my current fixations. The National Geographic Channel, Quantum Entanglement Wiki, The Ulam Sequence (Wiki Ulam), Kepler Mission, and relationships with people in general, but I did read this today Navigating Love and Autism. You may not see the connections, but they are all linked in my mind and contribute largely to my special interests. It is fairly certain that I am in an information gathering cycle right now. But all of these findings have been confirmation for me with things that I have been writing and it makes me happy. Oh, I forgot to mention my obsession with The Vatican Library that I briefly watched something about on 60 minutes last night, (in between Masterpiece Theater and the Bulls vs. Lakers) and I got so excited I didn’t realize that I was talking to the TV. :-/   The treasures hidden in there…sigh…

All of this stuff makes me creative and see the world with bright yellow goggles.  

For those who understand my number thing I just have to share this tidbit:

“Rose scored 22 points and hit a short go-ahead shot with 4.8 seconds to play, and the Bulls rallied from an 11-point deficit in the final 3:44 for an 88-87 victory over the Los Angeles Lakers on Sunday”

Look at those numbers!! Ha ha ha I just noticed that this is my 422 post.

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This Christmas has been very surprising for me. I not only got some great gifts, but I am genuinely happy. I don’t know how to respond to myself. It is such an odd feeling that I don’t know how to take it in. I may sound really wacky, but it’s true. I have not been happy during the holidays in so long that I cannot even remember the last time. It was a great day yesterday at my mom’s house. The kids didn’t get too overloaded, my mom and I were both relaxed. We talked…well I probed her for more family history, while David kept the kids entertained.

Mom and I do not get to have many uninterrupted conversations.

I get this longing to want to know my ancestry during the holidays. There is so much history that I do not know, I think I want to know about it to help me feel connected. I am a bit obsessed with my German ancestors for various reasons, but one that I find fascinating is that they were frontiers. My great-great (something my mom cannot give the exacts)  grandmother and grandfather along with other family members came over from Germany, went to Pennsylvania and then took three wagons to Missouri. Some of them split off to Illinois as well. I think it is so intriguing to hear about and to think about them being actual homesteaders. My grandmother has all of the legal documents, with pictures and other items. I have not seen them yet.

I watched a series of PBS shows that I thought were so exciting and when I watched them it made me think of my ancestry.

My favorite was Frontier House. Although I am prone to be fixated on WWII, they had a 1940′s house that I liked as well. Ok I liked them all — except for the silly social dynamics that were going on. I enjoyed watching them experiencing those times with our current mindset. That was an interesting dynamic. It seems so difficult to live in those times now, but the human spirit is strong and adaptable so I guess it would work somehow. Here are the other ones I watched:

1900 House

Manor House

Regency House Party

I really enjoyed researching more history about them after I watched them. I was on a period piece kick during the time and watching all kinds of movies during each era. Wow! I digress…So as I was saying yesterday my mom and I were able to enjoy each other. We haven’t done that in a very long time, the kids were great, and everyone was fairly calm. I sat in pure joy wearing my new boots that she got me. She also made me a hat and scarf that I wanted. David made the comment about me having so many winter items in my wardrobe it seems like I do not belong here. The fact is, I freeze in 100 degree weather so yes, I can be found in boots and hat at any time of the year.

As I sat on the couch at her house I was in a happy place.

David accused me of having a “bootgasm”. Blah! I was very happy with my boots. They do look similar to the other ones I got several days ago, BUT they are distinctively different. They have a lovely zipper going up the side that the others do not. I had to explain to my mom every detail down to the stitch showing her that they were different. She really didn’t care, but I had to show her the clear differences. Had to! As I sat on the couch, enjoying my boots, scarf, and hat I just felt at peace. It was calm, and I felt happy/sad. I seem to always be happy and sad at the same time, but it felt different this year. I do not know how to explain it. Well at least I can say that I am peaceful. David even commented later in the evening about how calm I was.

I am not usually like this.

Honestly, each year I am a mess by the time Christmas is here and I am usually full of anxiety. I will feel tense and sick, and just want everything over with as quickly as possible so I can pretend it will not happen again next year. I didn’t sleep very well last night, but I woke up calm. I have made a lot of changes in my thinking, and helping myself not to loop this year. I believe that and allowing myself to just be me has helped a lot too. The ability to be constructive with my thoughts and using them in a creative outlet instead of trying to figure out “why” I am having them has released me from a tremendous amount of anxiety.

The kids had a great morning.

It was great to see David open the presents that the kids picked out for him as well. David took them to get me presents also. It was so funny to see what they picked. Ariel picked out a sock monkey and leg warmers. Joshua got me a cook book with over 600 recipes for cookies. (hint, hint) Daniel got me a big soft red blanket. To my surprise David got me an iPod Shuffle.

I was not expecting anything.

And now I confess my love for yet another device. It is so teeny and cute! I love my tiny little Shuffle! I even love his tiny little box. I admit I did not want to open any of my presents because they were wrapped in wonderful number wrapping paper. I am known for ripping wrapping paper without a thought and tossing it all over. I did not want to do that to all the numbers dancing over the paper. After much coaxing from Ariel I finally did. There were some major hits around here. One my mom got for Daniel they are called Hexbugs. He LOVES them. He said that they are his pets and they are named Daniel.

Ariel has been waiting for her Dragon Fortress and is elated to finally have it.

Joshua had waited “forever” for his Lego General Grievous Starfighter and is a very happy camper now. The kids picked out The Big Bang Theory Trivia game (I may actually like that one, I like trivia games…sometimes) and Star Wars Monopoly for David. I am having loads of fun on my computer staring at my sock monkey and iPod Shuffle.   I am going to be getting some tunes put on my little fella. I am off of here leaving with some lovely pictures.

Addition at 4:32 pm: My mom just left and as she was leaving she said: “This Christmas definitely goes down in history as one of the best.” She too is feeling the happy state even after leaving my sister’s house and stopping by here. We are calm, happy, and even got good gifts this year. It’s a Christmas miracle!

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Everyone was looping, and Ariel did see a mouse. Out in the bushes in the backyard. My mind is racing and I was up most of the night. Oh, I am happy for everyone and their celebrating of different holidays and all, but the “spas” spirit that is in operation I would like to see dwindle down a bit. I am not being a Scrooge — I am just ready for the New Year that is all. I am excited for the kids and watching them have so much fun. It has turned into a real joy watching Daniel actually enjoy himself more and more. Each year he has gained more understanding of what holidays are and how much fun presents are. I watched a video of them when they were two years old at Christmas, Joshua was six months old.

Daniel didn’t understand what was going on.

He didn’t open the presents he just looked at them. He tried to take Ariel’s presents and she would cry and say: “No, Boo Bear that mine present.” It was not that clear, imagine a two year old garble. I can hear me calling his name over and over again with no response. Finally, at one point he claimed a toy that Ariel was playing with and she got upset. We still have those toys he is attached to them. I am always taking videos and pictures of all the events, I want to remember everything and I want the kids to have their experiences captured. In the back of my mind I think the reason for my continual visual capturing is that I want them to have real memories.

My mom always forgot to take pictures.

My dad would take videos all the time, he had a Super 8, cameras, and gradually got other video cameras. I know I got the obsessive picture taking from my dad’s gene pool, my grandma has mounds and mounds of photos, and so does my dad. I was not captured as much as my other sisters since I did not live with my dad truth be told– many of the videos were of him making skits, commercials, singing, and whatever else he could come up with. He was very good at convincing my step mom and sisters that they needed to film him and also partake. (Maybe they didn’t have a choice)That is the part of my dad my mom could not handle, the constant silliness. I have my days, but overall I am a good mix…most of the time.

This mind of mine is rambling and I have a ton of things running through it.

I guess I am doing another mind dump to prepare for mom’s house tomorrow and then Sunday morning — all day. I hope Daniel will be alright, but I did have fun with him on Thanksgiving so if we need to leave again it will be ok. The weather has been wonderful here. I think God may be giving me one last warm weathered Christmas before moving to snow invested cornfields. I am grateful for the warm weather and the sun that is shining right now. Big smile. I am a little sad that I will not see my sisters or baby nephew tomorrow.

My sisters have to work and then they are having their own thing on Sunday.

We can’t go out to their house it would be too much, they live about half an hour away. They also have three dogs, two big boxers and a chihuahua. The acoustics are horrible and Daniel gets fixated on their ceiling fan since he can turn it on and off. We need to stay home after all of the adventures we have had in the past few weeks. My mom would like to stay home on Sunday and have the whole day alone, but my sisters insisted that it is wrong to be alone on Christmas day. They are very neurotypical. The best gift they could give her is to let her have that day because she and my grandma went on the TCM Cruise. Then, my grandma stayed for the week after, the kids and I were there every day, and she also went to work the day after getting back. She has had no downtime.

I hope she doesn’t overload while we are there tomorrow!

It was so awesome to hear my mom talk about the cruise. She is an old movie buff. She knows everything and everyone. She has read so many biographies about old movie stars. She can tell how all of them were linked together, what was going on in history during a movie being made, who was having an affair with whom, she can spot a remake now nowadays in a split second, and she can tell you the cameras used or special effects that were going on during them . Her TV channel is stuck on TCM. And she has a huge crush on Ben Mankiewicz. She got her picture taken with him on the boat, and talked to him. She is still giddy when she talks about him. (She claims to not have an Aspie special interest…yeah, right. )

The funny thing is that my mom does not act like that with guys normally. 

He has to be pretty interesting and special for her to take any interest at all. I love hearing her talk about the experience because she is so happy. She told me how it was the best experience of her life. She said: “Angel, I didn’t have any anxiety, I could talk with no problem, I didn’t worry about what I said or what to say. I made friends every morning. It was so wonderful. We all talked about old movies, we dressed up for each era, and shared our stories about when we first saw the movies, it was great!” She felt like she belonged and I could see how happy she was in her pictures. She usually hates having her picture taken, but not on the boat. I am so happy she got to experience that.

I discovered a movie that was released in November (too many miles away from here) called The Artist.

It is a black-and-white silent film, but it is a limited release and we are not going to get it around here. I am not giving up though, there may be a town about an hour or two away who may show it. I wanted to take her to it as a Christmas present. She loves silent films too. The story line seems great and I know that she would love it. I think I would too, bonus! I love, love, love the music!! I think I’ll get the soundtrack. I hope to take her to experience it in the theater. I think if I were to imagine heaven for my mom, even though she is a book addict like myself, hers would be a big huge movie theater or possibly multiple theaters. Ohh! I think I have a visual to write. Movie Theater in Heaven.   I think I will go write that and help my brain get focused and calm.

Happy Holidays and many blessings to you all!!

I would say that I am praying for peace, but that is very generalized and is relative. I pray for differences to be accepted and the message that is spoken about in this song. Bing Crosby & David Bowie – The Little Drummer Boy / Peace On Earth I got another present besides the nice weather. I just listened to a song that popped up while looking for Bing and David’s song. It didn’t make me cry, I was able to smile. It’s kind of a big deal.

I did tear up a little, but it felt different.

A couple of months ago this song came on in the grocery store, and I just stood in the aisle and cried. I couldn’t stop I was rushed with so many emotions at the time. I found this version and liked it best. David Gray – Babylon  This artist is wrapped up in winter memories for me, and wrapped up in the only workplace that I was more myself than anywhere. In the midst of the different types of people I felt very safe to be me most of the time. Or maybe it was all the computers and “technology” I was around that made me feel comfortable.

Ok, I am leaving for real now.

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