One of my most frustrating anxieties is the phone. I get so consumed by anxiety with the thought of having to call places, or new people. I do this with family and friends as well. It seems so ridiculous, it’s a phone! Millions of people are walking around with a phone calling people all day long, making appointments, ordering food whatever people do with a phone. Yet, I have to work myself up to make a simple phone call. I have worked on this for a long time. I have had jobs where I had to answer the phone, or call people. Yesterday was the first time I connected that my physical and mental exhaustion was enhanced at those workplaces because I had to talk on the phone.

I had to make a couple of phone calls yesterday.

My ballet lessons are going to start next week, I had to call to finalize everything and get the schedule, attire, etc… I had been contacting them through a woman via email, but then she told me that I needed to call the teacher. It took me two days to work up the nerve. I wrote my questions and thoughts down in case I needed them. It turned out to be very positive (yea!) and I got along well with the teacher on the phone, and I am excited that it is a guy. Yea! Again, I think that will be a better fit for me. All went well, but after I hung up I immediately started dissecting everything I said. I started pouring over the conversation wondering if I sounded like a spaz. I wondered if I was coherent in my conversation or random and chaotic.

As I went over it I realized how nice he was.

I also understood that he was happy to have another person coming to his class. I normally never think of that, I always feel like a bother. (I try not to.) Still I was all sweaty, my heart was racing, I didn’t stop thinking about if for a while until I was able to convince myself that it was a positive experience just like I initially thought. It was about a 10 minute conversation that took me about two hours to get over. Geez! Once I got over that phone call I had to prepare myself for the next one. I was calling an adult & adolescent psychiatric office. “Adult & adolescent” psychiatric office who stated that they specialize in autism spectrum disorders. I wrote my list of questions, called, and got sent to voice mail. I despise leaving messages because I never know what to say unless I have it written down, and I get all freaked out and start talking rapidly and saying whatever flies into my head.

I did alright leaving a message.

Then I had the anticipation of waiting for them to call back. It is so debilitating to wait for a phone call. I try not to focus on it, but I am in constant anxiety waiting for it. It takes a lot of work to keep the script at the forefront of my mind. I do this with everyone and the phone. If they say they are going to call I-need-them-to-call when they say they will, when they give no clarity and it is open-ended I am unable to let it go. I try, I really do. In the past if they did not call I assumed they didn’t want to talk to me or make plans like they had suggested. I would then lead into a negative loop wondering why they would say that they would call when they never intended to. Why wouldn’t they just say they didn’t want to do something if they didn’t want to? Among a million other questions. I have learned that this is faulty thinking, but it still arises.

I digress!

I was waiting for the phone call unable to do anything else, but spin the questions and how I was going to answer the phone in my head. I was also feeling anxious because I did not know what they sounded like. There are some voices that I cannot handle and if they have that particular type of voice it will throw me. The phone finally rang. She had a nice voice. I grabbed my questions went into one of the rooms and shut the door. I told her my reasons for calling, to get an adult diagnosis for autism spectrum disorder. Keep in mind I have been searching for a place for months that deals with adults on the spectrum. Everywhere I called or emailed did not do anything for adults around here and they could not lead me to anyone. What is that?

When I found this place I was so hopeful.

Add to this my anxiety from calling and emailing other places with no help or directions and feeling really upset that no one is focusing on adults on the autism spectrum in my town or near my town. What was her reply to me when I said that? “That is unheard of for an adult to get a diagnosis for autism — children usually get diagnosed with it at ages between two and three. Adults would be diagnosed with Aspergers are you talking about that?” I was shaken and went off script. First her tone was hard for me to discern and I felt like she was talking to me like I was an idiot. I had already spilled out that I had a son on the spectrum so I would think that she understood I knew what I was asking for. What is she going to do if/when Asperger’s is eliminated from the DSM-V? What do adults on the spectrum miraculously disappear or now we are all Rain Man?

Forgive me it did throw me.

I lost my focus, I started rambling and saying whatever and I realized that I took over in an authoritative voice because I had lost trust in her ability to help me or understand autism. I have since recanted my initial thoughts upon contemplation. She knows nothing about me, what I have read, what I have done with Daniel, what I have written here on my blog, she has no clue that I am completely emerged in many aspects of autism, and that on a daily basis I am consuming large amounts of information about it from various means. How would she know that? I didn’t realize that until much later. All in all it turned out good. I am fairly certain that I convinced her I was at least Asperger’s in the short time we were on the phone because she changed her tune as well after I changed mine.

She took on a more therapist type of persona.

She became calm as she spoke to me, and finally said that she didn’t think that we would be a good fit since she works with children. Halt! I was sent to her because she was the one who was the “autism” doctor in the office, the name of the office clearly states “adults” in its title. I was confused. She explained to me that they do not handle adults with “Asperger’s” because remember only adults have Asperger’s. Fine. I shutdown. She did catch on that something was wrong, and she gave me names of two neuropsychologists in the area that may be able to help. She was pleasant at the end, I liked how she was able to manage me a bit to bring me back from my fuzzy mind, and she did direct me to people who may be able to help. At the end she wished me luck and I thanked her.

I put the phone down and started crying.

Only for a moment, but the whole thing was too much. Once again I was overwhelmed with calling a place that could not help me. I was overwhelmed with having to talk to a stranger on the phone. I was overwhelmed with the FACT that I cannot pick up a phone and be ok! It is a source of frustration for me. The good news I did not loop about either of the two conversations I had yesterday. I was able to collect my thoughts, reason through and see that everything was fine. However, my day was shot I was stimming all night on music and reading blogs. I was exhausted and mentally drained. I don’t know how I made it through some of my workplaces. Especially the insurance office and the temporary agency where my job required me to answer the phone. Now that I think of it for several reasons those places were not good for me to work at, but also at both places I got physically ill.

While at the insurance place I was diagnosed with depression. 

Then, put on anti-depressants. While at the agency I was sick for months. I was depressed then too, but could not admit it because people in my life told me that my faith should be healing me from those dark thoughts. Long story. Back to the phone. After I got off the phone with her, I looked up the doctors names she gave me. I scoped out their websites, and decided to send an email to one who said she did “autism spectrum disorder” evaluations. She did not make it clear that she did adults, though she mentions adults, but after my last phone call I had to know. I sent an email and indeed she does. Yes! She was helpful too in offering to answer any questions I have. I will call her tomorrow. I need a phone break. I was happy with her quick response to my email and directness to my questions. I am hopeful…again.

Now if I could only be ok with the phone! I need phone therapy me thinks.

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I just watched Alain de Botton on TED, and I thought there were so many great things that he said. I think the topic of polarization whether through religion vs. Atheism, politics, or our different views in the autism community is good to always self-evaluate. It shares a similar thread with the talk I shared from David Eagleman on TEDxHouston. I will not break them down fully, but the main point is to be open to possibilities. As I watched Alain de Botton I captured details about seeking good things out of religions, but I took home the good things about Atheism as well. I am very art minded and my personal experience with church and the arts has not been that positive or accepting. However, from his point of view because he is outside of the walls of a religion he is able to see the good in what church or religions have done for the arts.

I think that is great!

I love that it makes me take a look at my own views to see how I am being polarized in my thinking in some areas because I am so close to the subject or situation. I appreciate his talk which can be watched here Alain de Botton: Atheism 2.0. I thought it was refreshing and had a lot of insight that can be applied into my views on faith, and church. It also reminded me to see how much my views can get distorted when I get fixated on one specific thing. I believe this is why I find so much peace when I am gathering information from different views, or faiths because I know my ability to trick myself into a black-and-white world. I then have an inner struggle without realizing it because something does not feel right…but what? It doesn’t feel right because it is a form of conformity, which is uncomfortable for my mind.

I naturally rail against it.

I always want to be open, and willing to understand another person’s perspective. Um…As long as it is not detrimental or destructive, such as blatant racism or hatred. However, I do seem to gravitate toward wanting to understand their reasons for being racist or full of hate. Why? Why? Why? I can get fixated with that my serial killer obsession comes to mind. I find the meeting of minds, and discussions to develop, learn, and change to be a need in my life. I will shutdown in heated arguments, or rants out of hurt or fearful emotions. I took this video as a positive way to look at religion that I had lost, and I also was quite intrigued by his views. They made me think and gave me some wonderful things to think about and process. It is ironic that I am currently working through a post in my mind about my reasons for polarizing or constantly trying to create an all or nothing type of environment. It has been a coping mechanism of mine that I am dismantling.

I appreciate his respect toward religion, but also him being himself and clearly not believing.

I found I liked his humor, and many things he had to share. At the end I really liked his explanation of not needing a mystical experience in order to feel connected to something bigger. I struggle with that all the time in my spiritual community, feeling inadequate or lacking because I do have or feel something “mystical” happening to me. I tend to feel a great connection, sense of belonging, and oneness with people when they share with me. If they share music, poems, words, or if I am watching someone operate in their talent. I feel connected and oneness to something bigger. Even in his talk I felt it — I guess it is more like I feel the oneness when I see other people expressing their passions, their hearts, and who they truly are without hindrance. I say that makes me feel one with humanity to some extent which makes me feel connected to God or if you would like to say the Universe or Higher Power. I find having a true connection with someone to be quite a mystical experience.

All of us can benefit so much when we cast our filters down for a moment.

Alright that’s my peace talk for the day. I know it is a kumbaya fantasy of mine, but without those fantasies I lose hope. If anything this is for me to see areas that I am being polarized in my thinking and finding good in something I started to lose any hope in. On another note here is David Eagleman on The Colbert Report. I thought it was funny and it proves once again that my brain is indeed messing with me!!  I knew it I just needed more evidence. I hope to get his new book sometime soon as well. I am enjoying SUM very much, and it has me thinking as well. And I don’t know why Proust keeps coming up in my life. I must really need to be learning something there, or it’s just the Universe and my brain messing with me…that happens a lot.

“Every man must decide whether he will walk in the light of creative altruism or in the darkness of destructive selfishness.” ~Martin Luther King, Jr.

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I have really grabbed hold of the words “trust the process” when it comes to working through accepting things about myself that I have not before. I am trusting that I am changing, growing, and developing a more cohesive identity. I titled this “Loving The Process” because without putting trust into it there is no way it will happen and without trust you cannot love. Every challenge that I have been facing has been painful, I am not going to lie. I felt like my heart was going to burst from some of the things that I have remembered and relived. However, I know that it is not. I will be very honest here I had to go through this process of acceptance when it came to Daniel being autistic. I knew virtually nothing about autism, and it seemed scary. I was also scared because I related so much to him, and somehow knew how to help him once I stopped being in denial. I put trust in my ability now to accept what I need to do because I was able to change for him. I am trusting myself to do the work to change for myself.

The change is happening.

This last shutdown or meltdown if you want to call it that — I will be completely open here and tell what it looked like. When I say I lost my words, I mean that I lost them with most people. I could write, but I could not email or even leave the house. During my shutdowns/meltdowns I am fully capable of taking care of my children, doing school (most times), making all three meals, and snacks, keeping the house for the most part, and either I can consume large amounts of info or I can only watch TV and YouTube. I learned from an early age to control my shutdowns/meltdowns because I had to be ok for my mom — I had to be ok it was not an option. She had her own shutdown/meltdowns and I took the role of making sure everything was alright for her. As a child my mom did her best, but I was a handful and very confusing to her.

The problem with “controlling” them is (was) I get no release or ability to move on.

It still will manifest through some means eventually. When I am hit with social confusion, or say anxiety I will turn to helping people or directing all of energy to the kids and how to help them. I then hold everything in and explode through various ways such as tears or through going overboard cleaning the house in a mad frenzy. The good news this time around it did not last nearly as long as it has in the past. I did not spend additional days looping on it. When it was over my brain was finished with it as well. I did not feel guilt or shame, or stupid for my thoughts. One evening I did collapse on my computer sobbing, and did not stop for about 30 minutes. The reason being I was so overwhelmed with the thoughts of me not existing to people, and battling my mind between knowing that those words were not true and those words feeling so true.

When the initial sobbing started I received an email from a friend at that exact moment in the evening.

In the moment I received it I could not even read it with a proper perspective it took me several days to reply. My mind was consumed, but the email let me know that indeed I was not invisible at least not to them for that moment. Never underestimate a simple email, whether it is only a smiley face, two sentences, or several paragraphs. (If you feel the urge to send it do so because you have no idea who may be sobbing on the other side just needing that email.) After it was over I was fine, though I could not read any emails until the next day and could barely write anything for a couple of days. I also made sure that I did not completely cut off because that can cause deeper negative loops. I wrote to a friend with my few words and discovered they were going through a shutdown as well. We were in the same position and were able to bring some comfort to each other with what little words we had.

All of this may not sound so positive, but for me these are great things.

They helped me refocus, and place in my arsenal of new scripts how to spring back from loops that I am unable to stop. I have found that the most difficult task is the battle in my mind of what is true, and what is perceived true through my negative self-image. I have filtered through the negative image of myself for so long that it truly hurts my brain to tell myself it is not an accurate perspective. Even more good news, my self-image is changing for the better. I still struggle with that though it may be a life long thing, along with negative self-talk, but that is changing as well. I first had to realize that I was doing it, then that has prompted me to change how I talk to myself. I had worked on that regarding how I talked about myself out loud because I did not want my kids to hear me speak negative things about myself.

I had not made the connection that I was continuing to do it silently.

I admit I have had this revelation before about negative self-talk,  but did not have clarity about some ways that I continued to talk to myself. After this round of emotional “work through” I came up with a set of goals that I plan on accomplishing this year. I have six written down so far. I realized the other day that I set goals all the time. I set goals, but they are always directed toward things for the kids, or the house. I usually have my identity wrapped up in something that has not a lot to do with me personally. The goals I have set are specific to me. I admit I am both excited and hesitant about them, but they are good and though may be a bit challenging I can achieve them. I was really inspired by what someone said in a video, but I can’t remember where it is now. (I watched too much YouTube the other day.) She wrote out: “Document it even if you don’t think you’ll ever share it.”

I watched her video of a culmination of attempts, failures, and achievements in her process.

It helped me remember how important it is for me to keep record, to keep my writings, to keep my many thoughts filed away on my desktop, here, or in my drafts. (Current number of drafts 126 ) I can always go back and see where I was and how I changed. I admit the other day I was feeling like throwing everything out. I wanted to delete everything I ever wrote, and I didn’t want to write anymore. This is not new — this is a response that I have done my whole life when I feel too exposed or fearful about something. My writings have felt like something that I could control. I can destroy them at any time, or I can share them. I won’t do that not anymore, I have felt too much pain from the past few months about all of the things I threw away or destroyed in haste.

Live, learn, and be inspired.

Part of my loving the process is exposing myself to so many different thoughts and ideas. I have been very open to different views, and ways of helping myself because quite frankly what I did in the past did not work. I read numerous blogs from people with a vast spectrum of ideas. They range from ex-Christians, or Pagans to professional hooping. (My cousin hoops, I think that is the proper term. I hoop on the Wii. hee hee) I have been inspired by Atheist, Jewish, Christian, Muslim, and Agnostic mothers of autistic children. I am limiting it to recent reads, but I have been inspired by men and woman alike from all faiths, struggling with a belief of any kind, and no faith at all. My thoughts have been set on finding my own personal balance and awareness through reading about Buddhism, practicing yoga, and trying to learn how to calm my mind. I am unable to limit my mind to a certain group. I enjoy learning from all types of people, and that does help me find calm. I don’t know why it just does.

It is very difficult for me to mediate, but it seems to be very beneficial.

Whether you want to call it relaxing or meditating or I’ll just say finding some sort of quiet time. I have to work very hard at finding peace in my mind. I normally have to have a specific type of music, and lay on my bed in the dark. Or I will have to ride my bike, but I have not been able to for a while. I am currently in a cycle where I do not want to do any form of exercise and that is never good. It also doesn’t help that Daniel is refusing to go to bed unless I go to bed at the same time, so I am not getting any alone time.

Well except first thing in the morning.

It is part of the process looking for the things that work during each of my cycles. I find that a bit hard to accept though because I expect myself to be “on” all the time, but I am not. I am incredibly hard on myself and I am working on that, I guess that is part of the self-image thing. So for now as I am going through this process…a process that will be life long, I am learning to love it. I am learning new ways of thinking about myself, which helps me see others in new light as well. I am learning how to accept things much easier without trying to figure out so many of the “whys” and I am learning that sometimes it is good to stay in denial until you are ready to accept the changes that need to be made. It isn’t always the best thing to rip off the layers and stand completely exposed. One layer at a time may be much wiser.

Oh, come next month I will be taking adult ballet lessons. Yea!

It was one of my goals so I looked it up and lo and behold a studio only 15 minutes away offers them super cheap! Unbelievable. I admit I was not very hopeful about this town offering them or that the cost would be affordable. I was also apprehensive because any time I have made contact with places around here it has been an incredibly negative experience. I decided to try anyway and it turned out to be very positive. I am excited. VERY excited! However, I am still a bit cautious because I cannot think of one experience that has turned out well with these types of things around here. I am staying positive though. The reason for loving the process is to be able to look at it as a positive thing. It is good to change, and deal with problems when you are ready. It is a life long commitment if we don’t trust it or love the changes that come from it, then we will never want to take the risks we need to in order to develop into better people.

Change is good if it is progressing.

Had to share at least one more link. Lol!

How Do You Spot Negative Self-Talk?

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Part of the problem as well is I think everyone else has no problems. I fall into the line of thinking that people have not felt this sort of thing — I feel that mainly with people in my personal life. I look at them and think they have it altogether and want to know why I do not. I do not know how to separate my own feelings of not wanting to hurt anyone from expressing myself. It makes me ache so badly at the thought of telling someone what I am feeling and then see it hurt them, or make them angry. I do not know how to process my emotions or what I am feeling by hurting or causing anger in another person. I am willing to die a slow aching death inside instead of telling someone how I feel fully.

I have instead built walls.

Only later to explode with emotion trying to force people to leave or I become numb to them so that I can finally say what I need to. Then, I wait in anticipation because I do not know how they are going to respond. Somehow I have to train my mind to be able to speak up and say that my pains and hurts matter. I have to express it even if it does affect someone else in a negative way or they do not give a flying fahrvergnügen. (It popped in my head and sounded funny so I used it.) David has been exposed to my working through expressing myself it has been very hard for him at times. I seem to not be as affected when he expresses his emotions to me — I think it may be from my years of listening to others express themselves.

David had no idea that I have been so unhappy for all of these years.

He had no idea I had been depressed for years, especially when we lived out West. He had no idea I was holding on to a broken heart from a long time ago. He had no idea that I was hiding behind a shadow of him. He had no idea that I was hiding so much of myself all of these years. Honestly either did I. He has lived with me 24/7 for years now and he did not know. I did what I have done my entire life, I pushed back any of my doubts, fears, and questions for the sake of trying to make/keep people happy. It was not because he did anything to make me do that, I just assumed the role that I had been given since childhood. I pushed back all of my emotions because I did not think that they mattered, or that I was making them up. I am saying this again, that I would be rejected, or that I would hurt someone. I say “rejection” often because it is a big one, and as I have read around the blogosphere many people feel it.

I wanted everyone else to be happy, to the point of my unhappiness.

As I have taken a look at my past relationships with everyone I have seen many things with clarity. I have stepped away from denial and looked at them again — there have been true moments of understanding. This is hard for me to accept, but no matter how much they said they cared about me they still treated me like they didn’t. I have been an afterthought in many people’s lives that I have continued to regard as close and dear. The only way I can understand is by looking at them through a spectrum. One end of the spectrum is unconditional love the other end is complete hatred, most people fall into the middle even when they claim unconditional love. Maybe that is their definition of it. Maybe that is all they are capable of. Maybe my expectations are too high, but they have been too low for long enough so we’ll see how things go.

The focus has to be on the relationship.

Defining a relationship is a hard one for me since I have only known to suppress myself in them. I have read all kinds of things, I have written about it, and still my mind cannot grasp it. I guess I have to just look at the basics. Relationships are mutual in communication, trying to understand each other, sharing, being honest, and I believe acceptance is key. The other thing for a relationship to work is asking: “How does the other person define the relationship?”  I believe a lot of my confusion lies in, once again, my definitions of the relationships I have with people. I think my lacking theory of mind has caused me to believe that others feel the same way I do about them. The times that I discovered they do not or they do not place the amount of importance on things like I do, causes me to get hurt or confused.

I can confuse people because I am normally fine with limited contact.

I can go back and forth from not contacting at all to bombarding them with emails or fb posts. I don’t get upset if I do not hear from people all the time. I only get anxious when I am not sure what the relationship is. I can go months without talking to someone if I know how they feel about me. If I am unsure, I get loopy that is mostly with new relationships and family. An example is when I first became friends with someone online, both of us being Aspies with similar issues made it hard at first. We were both worried that the other would misunderstand, and leave. Or that we would offend each other, but after a month or so of us saying “I am not leaving, you cannot offend me, I fully accept you” we finally felt safe. (She rocks!) And that my friends is a loving thing to do for an Aspie.

I do see my patterns, but it may take a while to implement.

I think if I define what a healthy relationship is to me it will be very beneficial. I have spent so many years focused on what relationships mean to others. I know that if I no longer want to be hurt I need to change some things. I found a quote the other day that said: “I don’t know how to be someone that you would miss.” When I first read it I felt like it rang true with me, I felt like I wish I could be a person that someone would miss. The more I thought about it I got angry, and thought that quote may have it wrong. It should be something like: “It’s a shame you don’t know that I am someone to be missed”, or something much cleverer.   Actually Lisa from Alienhippy shared this quote the other day and I guess it makes it quite clear.

“Stop spending time with the wrong people. Life is too short to be with anyone who sucks the happiness out of you like marrow from a bone. If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room. Never fight for a spot or sell yourself to someone who overlooks your worth. And, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.”

 ~ Dr. Christiane Northrup~

I don’t know how to walk in this quote, but I will try…

I read this quote the other day too.

“The meek shall inherit the earth because the aggressive people of the world will trample their face into it!” Ouch!

Disclaimer: What I have shared may have repeating information about relationships, I cannot keep track of my roaming mind. If indeed you have read things from me that are the same or quite similar well just remember I can be very loopy. However, every loop I go through I get a bit more clarity so enjoy the ride.

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Before I go into this post, I would like to share that my source of shutdown this past week was triggered by numerous things. I completely forgot how fragile I am in January. I have triggers for this month, and no matter how great I feel during/after the holidays it is inevitable that meltdowns/shutdowns are going to happen. I am writing this to say to myself and anyone else who may be feeling what I am feeling “It is ok.” Holidays are a lot and we need release. My emotions were triggered even further by the feeling of being left out by my family. It happens every year, it happens when I am with them or not. The fact is, I do not think that I will ever feel comfortable with them. I need to accept that. The exception being my aunt that I love dearly and who means the world to me. She does accept me and our family the way we are. When New Year’s weekend came and went I was overwhelmed with feeling invisible.

Every year the family meets at her house for the New Year’s weekend to celebrate.

They celebrate Christmas as well at that time. As I saw the pictures of everyone, I got engulfed with emotions that I am not sure how to describe fully. It brought about fears and anxieties about moving back there. Shortly after that I began to feel as if my aunt was angry at me, or upset for some reason that I concocted. I tried desperately to stop the loops, but the thought of losing my aunt and then not knowing how things would work with us moving back consumed me. I went into a panic and emailed her. I was devastated when I had not heard back from her fearing that she indeed was upset, and I was not making it up. I forced myself to work through it, and came to the conclusion that I was overreacting and to wait it out. I got resolved in my mind, after my panic and shutdown of course. Long story short, for some reason my email did not go through until later in the week.

This is part of my process.

I am looking at and discerning my irrational thoughts.  I am deciphering who accepts me fully, and deciding what types of relationships we should have. In the past my only options were all or nothing. This is a damaging thinking pattern, especially when it is based on irrational fears. Although I will say that many of my fears are not unfounded, I have been treated like crap. I do not need to make my choices based on social confusion, or feeling far too inadequate to understand. I am seeking to base it on a balanced mind frame. I have been unable to share with my aunt the past three months what I have been going through. When I finally could write out my words, I was fearful of the outcome. I had no reason to be with her, but because of me being overly sensitive this month with emotions, sensory, and working through everything that I have been sharing on here, I could not think straight. All of that being said here I go.

Starting from the end of Faking Happy I

I do cause myself much pain by holding in my words, and not expressing myself to certain people in my life. I do not know how, and until I feel comfortable I am not going to. This one is very hard to work through because I have managed to fake being happy and hide my feelings for so long that I truly do not know how to express them with clarity. It makes it even more difficult because I am still unable to know what I am hurt, angry, or frustrated by specifically. I am not altogether able to pinpoint what it is that has hurt me or is hurting me. The only thing I can determine is that it hurts or it feels wrong. The only thing I know how to do is write them through poetry or fiction. I still am not able to figure it out right away.

I am also learning how to express myself when I feel happy.

I felt real happiness this last month. I was happy because I conquered some pretty big giants that were in my life. Now I am facing other ones. I mentioned that David took me to a ballet in 2008, he had no idea how moved I was until the other day when I voiced it to him. He knew that I liked ballet, my mom and sisters made darn sure that I got to go by insisting that they would watch the kids. I had never left them with anyone at that point for any amount of time. They knew how important the ballet was to me though. David knew that I would be happy, but he barely remembered it because my response to him seemed very subtle. He said he remembered that I sat there quietly through the whole performance, which is very unusual for me. He had no idea that I was so happy that I had tears of joy, or that it meant that much to me. I thought it was clear how much it meant to me.

I wasn’t. I only thanked him and talked about it a little afterwards.

He had no idea that I studied the booklet from the show, and then researched the group online. I didn’t share any of that. He didn’t even know that I kept it and the tickets. I had waited my whole life to see a real ballet group perform, and I felt too vulnerable to share any joy. Possibly since I had only shared with myself my joys for so long I didn’t know how. More likely it is both. David mentioned the other day that I did not cry about anything except for people I was praying for when we met. I actually didn’t cry until two or three years after we were together. It was after the twins were born. I think my tears came from being completely overwhelmed and exhausted from the changes of being a mother, taking care of the twins, being completely isolated, and Daniel not sleeping, crying/screaming for hours, not eating and various other things.

I was sleep deprived and had sensory issues from everything.

I didn’t know how to express any of that either. I couldn’t understand why I was having problems when so many other mothers seem to have no issues, and that is a whole other story. I do not know how to express myself to a person and not feel guilt or fear that they will reject me or my feelings. The scripts that I have are of people getting angry at me for voicing my emotions, or telling me that I was being foolish for feeling those things. Those are forms of emotional abandonment. I also get struck with the fear that they will leave because they think that I am too much or that my problems reveal what a mental case I am. I do not mean that in a bad way, please do not get offended I do not know how else to word it. I have not felt safe to share my real joys, or how much I care about things because people have hurt me when they discover my passions.

My problems are not any different from a lot of people.

To be continued in Faking Happy III (This got much longer than I anticipated…sorry. )

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I am coming out of a full-blown shutdown. (Good news it didn’t last as long as in the past.) I completely lost my words, was overwhelmed with emotions, and unable to think clearly. I am still working through my Faking Happy II post. It is a partial reason for my shutdown. The thoughts and evaluating relationships in my life was too much to handle. Another reason is the fact that I have to redefine what relationships mean to me. It is a very hard concept since I have only taken (most of the time) what I stumbled upon in relationships. I had no clear understanding that I could control who was in my life or how other people treated me. Many times I accepted people at face value, assuming that they did the same for me.

I accepted whatever people into my life without question.

I was under the impression that if they liked me or showed some sort of interest than we were friends. I was overwhelmed with the knowledge of how wrong that type of thinking is the past few days. In my last post I shared the Proust Questionnaire, and as I went through them I realized that I have shared a lot of these things about myself on this blog. I have been quite open on here without realizing it, there is still a lot more to me. I have my various hidden interests that I do not share a lot of because…well I would get too obsessive and the whole blog would turn into a special interest blog. I cannot allow myself to do that anyway because too much of my favorites things can make me disconnect from the real world. I have to keep a nice balance.

Ok, to the point of my title.

I never really thought of me having “crushes” on people per sa. I defined it strictly under physical attraction only. I tend to find people attractive, but not think much of it. I am too busy thinking of other things like what are they thinking about??? Who cares if they look great tell me what is going inside their head! I understand the premise of a crush from other people’s terms, but for me the emotional attachment that I get toward objects, songs, words, and/or characteristics in people is an intense emotion that I only know how to describe in the word crush. In recent months David has brought to my attention the many times I say how much I like someone, such as actors, musicians, chefs, scientists, mathematicians on and on. It does not matter if they are dead or alive I am crushin’ on them. Actually, I am not “crushin’” on them I am extremely attracted to their ideas, accomplishments, lives that they led or do lead. I am intrigued by their humor, their studies of interest, their words, and the aspects of who they are.

David has pointed out however, the numerous bald men that I seem to be attracted to.

I never knew I had such a pull toward bald men, but indeed I do. Most of them are not partially bald they are completely bald…usually or at least shave for the most part. (Tidbit “bald” in German means soon or shortly.) There are certain characteristics that are distinctive with each person. I choose to profess my liking for these people because they are normally very gentle in spirit, but passionate about things, they are thinkers, care deeply about right and wrong, are humorous, but still serious about this world, and they have multiple interests. There is more, but I will limit it to that. I must add here that the reason for my expressing my likes for people is a big deal because in the past I have not been able to. I found it very difficult for some reason. In recent months I have, and it is not limited to men. There are women I adore as well who hold the same characteristics. In most people this is a natural flow. They know who they like or admire, and why without much thought.

I have to think about why I like the person, and what the “feelings” are that I have for them.

I have been in relationships with people I could not stand, but I thought something was wrong with me. I never once thought about them not being good for me or me not being good for them. I have one person who is a family friend that I do not enjoy at all. The conversations they have are shallow, and fluffy. If it is not a frivolous conversation, then they turn it into what feels like gossip to me. They have confused me and made me feel icky every time I have been in contact with them. I have chosen to stay away from them because I either cause them great stress with my constant “Why are you saying that about them?” or “Well you can’t make that judgment without knowing what they are going through.” comments. It causes me to loop for days after I have been around them, questioning if I was wrong or if they were wrong.

It doesn’t matter we are not a good fit for anything more than a “Hi” and “Bye” relationship.

I jokingly told David that I was going to write a post about the people that I have crushes on. I later thought that it actually may be beneficial. He said: “Oh, I wondered why you had Patrick Stewart pulled up on the iPad.” Ok, I admit it I used to be a Star Trek: The Next Generation fan. (I know I said in the past that I was not a fan of Star Trek, I was referring to the original.) I watched it because I thought Captain Jean-Luc Picard was awesome! I admired Patrick Stewart as an actor as well.  The actors that I tend to admire seem to be British and Shakespearean. They also tend to do a wide range of roles. I do have a thing for Kevin Spacey I talk about him a lot. I also am quite fond of David Suchet and Colin Firth. They all hold characteristics that I admire, they are deeply involved in their causes, and they are very quiet about their personal life. Not to mention all of them are funny. (Look up “Patrick Stewart on Extras” on Youtube)

I think so anyway.

I have other people like Joe Bastianich he said the best quote “I was born to manipulate grapes.” He owns wineries. You can watch him here on Jimmy Fallon. I do like Gordon Ramsey too. Hee hee I confess that many of the people that I have crushes on are blunt, direct, and passionate about what they do, and love. I also noticed that they are not mean or rude. Nick Cave would be another person that I have a great fondness for. Some of them can come across as abrasive or rude, but when you read about their lives it is rich with stories that can move you.

I have shared some of the other people that I admire in my post “The Moon is Reaching for Me”.

I am very fond of Carla Bruni, and Martha Graham as well. I am not limited to my crushes — I am having a lingering crush on Dr. David Eagleman. I am currently reading his book as well titled SUM. It is 40 stories of possible outcomes for the afterlife, all fictional and quite entertaining along with thought provoking. I got a little freaked out by some questioning if I am living in my afterlife right now?!   I wrote a story about the moon being my friend the other day, and found it quite interesting that I discovered this TEDxHouston with Dr. David Eagleman today. He uses the picture that helped inspire my story and explains very well what I was trying to express through fiction. I find it fascinating what was discovered by the Hubble deep field experiment. I had been looking at the Hubble deep field pictures for a month before I wrote the story.

Maybe I crush on stars too?

Dr. David Eagleman is a neuroscientist who specializes in the study of time perception and Synesthesia. I have been following him for over a year now. Through him I also discovered The Long Now Foundation which I find very interesting as well. I could on, but I am sure that this may not be making any sense to anyone else other than me. My point, I do not have clear distinctions between my everyday feelings. I have been confused as to how to express love, hate, indifference, sadness, etc… I feel like my brain has gathered up some of these people that I would say I have a “crush” on because I am not sure how else to describe it. It gives me clear characteristics that I look for in people, but that I have not looked for in relationships in my real life. Or I have, but somehow ended up with people completely opposite.

As I write these out I see how I have managed to seek out people like this on the internet.

I have found some wonderful friends online who I feel posses these qualities, but not in the physical. I have tried, but then felt wrong or like I was being too hard on people. Another thing I did was try to challenge people to carry more of these characteristics that I like. If they didn’t I felt like they were rejecting me somehow. I am still processing all of this. I was not being very accepting of who they were because I saw so much more in them. However, if people are satisfied with who they are and where they are at I need to accept that. I need to evaluate my ability to be able to accept that, possibly I cannot because the potential I see in them is too much for me to bear.

I may love their potential, but not them.

I know that can sound horrible, but it’s reality. If I am unable to accept someone fully it is only fair to let go and let them have relationships that will. I say that for me as well, if they cannot accept me and only love the potential of what they would like me to be, well that is not very accepting. We have to be willing to accept people as they change or do not change as long as it is not a damaging relationship. I believe this has been a large source of my social anxiety. I am filled with anxiety because I have not defined what relationships mean to me.

I have not made clear the types of people that are good for me to be around.

Relationships are much like careers in my mind — they need to be enhancing and beneficial to both parties. It is good to have similar likes or interests and use that as a common ground. Actually that is a very important detail for me, but there is no need to be exactly the same. Through our differences we bring about new thoughts and changes in our thinking. People unwilling to accept differences are not people for me. I find that to be difficult to say, but the source of my social confusion is other people making me feel like I have to chose a group to be a part of. I do not. I enjoy all types of people. I can do well socially in the right circumstances.

I do know that I have a certain physical attraction to some of these people I mentioned.

There are some that I am more drawn to because of their facial features. David mentioned that I tend to only crush on people from the neck up. However, I am attracted to the clothes/shoes/accessories they wear as well. I find Joe Bastianich’s attire quite awesome. I also admit his death stare is fabulous! If you have seen the show Master Chef you know what I am talking about.  I noticed that many of the people I have a fondness for — tend to have eccentric clothing styles, or at least collections of such styles I am not sure how to describe it. This is true for the people in my reality or  the well-known people that through the limited knowledge I have collected I know that part of them.   I liked these pictures.

Joe Bastianich, Gordon Ramsay, Chef Graham Elliot

Nick Cave my man with The Death of Bunny Munro.

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I am still working through the second half of my Faking Happy post. In the meantime I read How To Know Another Person this morning and thought well this plays right into learning how to express myself (without fear). I do well in asking my kids questions and knowing them. I am very interested in them and I believe they know it. I do think I have done a good job with that. I think I need to apply it more so to myself as a good way to discover parts of me that I have lost. Not only that it can be a test for me to use with relationships. In true relationships people are willing to answer questions and they in turn ask you questions. My history with long-term relationships has been me asking questions, and either the person dominating with all of their answers or they give simple glossy answers.

Another thing that has happened is them asking me nothing.

This could possibly be because of my ability to dominate a conversation if I start talking about a special interest. If that is the case I completely understand, but the more loving thing to do would be to tell me instead of ignore me. I have no problem with people telling me that I am boring them with my talk about the Fibonacci sequence, or telling me that they do not want to talk about my cat for hours. I am ok with that. If you don’t want to discuss all of the connections that I have made for the day with the word shimmer, fine just tell me.   I will go write about it instead and we can move on in the conversation.

What about Marcel Proust you ask?

I will tell you, in the post I shared above he talks about the “Proust Questionnaire” and it got me thinking. I thought it would be a good idea for me to sit down and write out the answers to these and see what I really felt as I wrote them. It also made me think that I could use these as a gauge of people I would want to interact with. I do not plan on laying a list out when I first meet people and request answers from them, but I can use it as a guide. Do I want to know these things about people? Do they show interest in wanting to know these things about me? Are we mutually interested in each other? Do they answer evasively, not answer, or give direct answers? I want to know people. If I have let people in my life I expect the same amount of interest in me as I have in them.

I do not think that is a wrong thing to ask for.

I do not know why it has been so difficult for me to understand the common interactions between relationships. It has been a tedious task for me to work through my confusion in this area, but I am doing it. If I come up with a series of questions it could also help me discern people that I do not want to know better.  They could be great people, but not great for me and vice versa. It has nothing to do with me or them we just don’t fit. I think that could be very helpful to me. I can’t believe I am a grown woman putting into practice the things that I am teaching my kids. I will not think on that it is widely known that a good way to learn is to teach. I will think of it as my growing and learning process. I am never too old to learn anything including social skills!

Part of me working through some of these posts is to help me define what relationships mean to me.

I normally do not share some of the harder posts until I have worked through quite a bit. I have been processing what relationships are for over a year now. It started after my last catastrophic encounters at church in 2009, but it has taken this long to even get to this point. I believe a lot of that has to do with me living in denial. After looking back at the people I would have called friends there, quite honestly I would not have asked them any of the questions listed below. I am not sure many of them could answer them. I am not digging at them as people it is true many of them could not think of poets, or composers. It was not because they were unable or incapable of it they chose to limit themselves and doubted their own abilities to think for themselves. I did not fit because I was constantly challenging them to think for themselves without even realizing it.

I am going to write down my own answers, possibly share in another post.

Maybe you would like to play along. Share if you like. I admit that it is difficult for me to only pick one favorite of anything. There are too many greats!

Here are the questions from the post I mentioned. They may be a bit more relevant for our day, but I do like the Proust questionnaire and will be going through it as well.

James Lipton’s Ten Questions:
What is your favorite word?

What is your least favorite word?

What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally?

What turns you off?

What is your favorite curse word?

What sound or noise do you love?

What sound or noise do you hate?

What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?

What profession would you not like to do?

Proust Questionnaire

Your most marked characteristic?

The quality you most like in a man?

The quality you most like in a woman?

What do you most value in your friends?

What is your principle defect?

What is your favorite occupation?

What is your dream of happiness?

What to your mind would be the greatest of misfortunes?

What would you like to be?

In what country would you like to live?

What is your favorite color?

What is your favorite flower?

What is your favorite bird?

Who are your favorite prose writers?

Who are your favorite poets?

Who is your favorite hero of fiction?

Who are your favorite heroines of fiction?

Who are your favorite composers?

Who are your favorite painters?

Who are your heroes in real life?

Who are your favorite heroines of history?

What are your favorite names?

What is it you most dislike?

What historical figures do you most despise?

What event in military history do you most admire?

What reform do you most admire?

What natural gift would you most like to possess?

How would you like to die?

What is your present state of mind?

To what faults do you feel most indulgent?

What is your motto?

Proust answers can be found here The Infamous Proust Questionnaire.

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David made a statement to me the other day that shook me quite a lot. I cannot recall his exact words for the whole statement, but it was something like: “You have the ability to stay in long-term relationships completely unhappy, and no one knows it except for you. You assume that you have voiced or expressed your unhappiness clearly, but in reality you seem perfectly fine.” I felt the tears well up in my eyes, as I stared at him feeling the truth of those penetrating words. Those words have been swimming around in my head since he spoke them to me. My thoughts have been filled with the pierce of what those words meant to me. He was not being mean to me — he was stating the obvious to me. I thought that I had been expressing myself all of these years. I assumed that others knew that I was in emotional pain, angry, or frustrated. The revelation of people being unable to read me did not hit until he said that.

My best friend that I mentioned in a previous post, I was not happy with.

She and I were not good together. It was a clear co-dependent relationship that manifested because she wanted to escape her home life and I wanted a live-in person that I could talk to all the time. I was a teenager in desperate need of a person to help me with social situations. I did not know what a friend was either. I had damaged many of my friendships with my quirks and oddities or social confusion, and shutdowns where I would cut them off completely. Or my so-called friends treated me poorly, and eventually I figured it out and cut them out of my life. I did not know what friendships were supposed to look like. I did not have examples of healthy romantic relationships either. I assumed that since these people were with me all the time that they knew how they were hurting me, and that brought about feelings that they were doing it on purpose (some actually were). I would then take on the responsibility for their mistreatment thinking that if I could only do better or be nicer then they would stop.

I assumed if you were good and nice, you would win people over.

I read this Are You Teaching People to Treat You Badly? recently. It explained that type of thinking is actually rewarding bad behavior. If you continue to allow people to treat you poorly and reward them with acts of kindness, they will continue to treat you poorly. Most likely it will escalate and you will lose all sense of your self-worth. I read this last night The Sad Art of Gaslighting which opened my eyes to many people throughout my life. I have always thought that I seem to be drawn to manipulators – part of that is true. In reality they seek people like me out once they see how easily it is to manipulate me. I have spoken about this before, but in the past I have had spouts of feeling like I have completely lost myself.

This time around I am not allowing myself to sink back into an old pattern.

My pattern is to worry and be so afraid of hurting others that I will not allow myself to be me for long. I get so fearful of rejection that I stop talking about the things I love. My negative experiences with people responding toward me about my special interests caused me to only pick “safe” topics to talk about. I wrote a post back in 2010 where I shared about many of the things that I loved, but I cut them out of my life. I started to step out again regaining some of myself back in 2001-2003. However, the feeling of rejection from people caused me to stop again and I allowed my fears to take control. I once again embodied a legalistic view of my beliefs so I could control what I felt.

I see now how I purposely chose to isolate myself from the things I loved.

In that post, I talked about how I remembered my love of music, art, movies, etc…what I failed to mention was that I would only allow myself to enjoy certain ones, even in 2010 up till more recently. I chose only the ones that were safe and would not make me feel too much. If I felt or relived any past experiences, I would have meltdowns, and I would not be able to explain why. I purposely chose certain groups of people to surround myself with so that I would keep myself in check reassuring me that R-rated movies were bad, that I should not listen to secular music, that I shouldn’t read certain books, or learn about science.

I used it as a way to keep control of my world, much like alcohol and anorexia.

They both helped me not to feel, though I desperately longed to. David did help me work out of my one form of control that I used by constantly limiting my mind to isolated specific subjects and sources. His “that’s a load of crap” attitude helped me come out of some damaging thinking patterns about gaining knowledge and allowing myself to think freely. The groups that I chose had a very “anti-intellectual” mindset. I discovered that intellect is not evil and thinking for myself would not lead me down a path to destruction. The unspoken rule was I should never indulge my questioning mind and should trust their “spiritual” intellect. I find it rather ironic now to think that one thinks trusting reason is wrong while trusting emotions is the ultimate source. Reason and logic can be solid, emotions are fleeting — I think that is why I have had such problems with them. I read 10 Ways to Enhance Your Emotional Intelligence that helped me quite a bit as well.

They can be crafty…those manipulators.

I did not last long in that environment. I always end up lashing out in a meltdown or I go into complete shutdown. I continued to try to stay in them throughout the years, but no matter how hard I try, I always go against the grain. I am not able to conform I can only fake it for a while. Not allowing my brain to venture out in multiple subjects, and learning makes me depressed. I knew this so instead of consuming what I wanted to, I gathered information that was allowable through their perspective. My lack of social understanding caused me to teeter back and forth from having out of control outbursts to keeping everything in and harming myself. The majority of the time my outbursts were directly related to my inability to hold it in any longer. I did (am learning) not know how to communicate my feelings, and I felt like if I did, then I would be rejected. I did the only thing I could to survive, I hid them, rejected them, told myself that they were not real.

I felt incapable of learning social dynamics because I had failed so many times.

I believe after reading The Trouble With Bright Girls I could resolve that I not only did this with education, but social learning as well. I felt like I was incapable of ever learning what was going on with people, and relationships. I would always turn to another person to show me the way. I would take on their social character traits.   This pattern would make me feel like a liar, a fake, and that would cause inner turmoil. I did not know how to express that I felt like the “real” me was wrong so I had no choice. I would have severe anger outbursts because of this confusion and frustration. My outbursts would ultimately lead to me cutting people off and being alone again, or them leaving me. I would hit a point where I could not fake it anymore, and I could not take them constantly manipulating me. It was far better to be alone than to have them in my life, this includes family.

I have cut them off, and gone back to them numerous times throughout my life.

I only learned to voice my pain and frustrations through exploding. This is a learned behavior because I was unable to express my true feelings. If I did express myself I was not comforted or validated by what I felt. I was told to get over it and move on. I was told that I was overreacting or how I was making the other person feel. I would be devastated if someone told me that my feelings were causing them pain. I would never tell them anything that I was feeling again to spare them any pain. I tried to control my outbursts as much as possible, I internalized. However, at some point my mind would make me realize that something was wrong. I was not being treated fair, and when I tried to express myself they would tell me things like I was making it up or that I didn’t understand. Somehow my feelings got drowned out, and were proven to not matter.

I was also mocked, or told that I was foolish for my feelings.

I learned to suppress my feelings so deeply that no one could know what I was truly feeling. My added issues of not understanding my own emotions caused many negative loops. I was unable to move forward because I felt like it was wrong that I was not allowed to express myself, but I also didn’t know what I was feeling. It has been even more difficult because I did not understand the majority of what was happening to me it just felt wrong, this increased my confusion and anxiety. I just had to make everything go away so no one else was affected by my issues. I continue to hold things in and not say anything. I have been doing really well at working through this, but I am unhappy about things and I am hurt.

I am hurt by people in my life, and I am hurt by myself.

Faking Happy II soon to come….

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I had to go to Target this morning and on my way there I felt like turning on the radio instead of listening to a CD. This song came on Blind Melon – No Rain  I did like Blind Melon, my boyfriend at the time did not. I like the video too for the yellow tutus. There is a story with the song that always makes me laugh. I was living with my mom, it was right before this boyfriend and I moved in together. She had moved to another town about 30 minutes away. I had to go with her because I had no car, and no place to live. I still worked 30 minutes away. There were good things about this boyfriend one was that he would drive out to get me and take me to work every morning. Well he would be coming home from his night out at the clubs — some of them would stay open until 6am. I had to be at work at 4am at the time.

Too much information, I know.

One evening he came over instead of going out and was all zealous about the news. How did I not know what was going on? My mom did (does) not allow the news to be on in her house. He turned on the news and there was the white Bronco chase. O.J. Simpson was blaring on the screen being chased. We watched the unraveling of events. He ended up staying the night, no monkey business in my mom’s house, we fell asleep. I had the Blind Melon CD in my player and didn’t realize that it was on repeat. Both of us kept waking up throughout the night and every time we did the No Rain song was on. I had the whole CD on repeat along with two other CD’s in the player, but for some reason we both continued to wake up at the same time to the No Rain song.

It took a very long time to ever listen to that song again.

We both were over it by the morning. When he contacted me years later, it was one of those funny stories that I think only we can appreciate. I like having those songs pop in on me they help me remember the good memories because there are good memories too. It also helps me remember that people change, and just because their actions may not always reflect how they feel they can still care. June 17, 1994 forever tattooed with Blind Melon and O.J. Simpson in a white Bronco. I will not even comment about the whole O.J. thing tragic and enough said about it. The song lyrics did mean a lot to me until it got “played, so played“. They still mean a lot I suppose since they make me smile. I will keep my cheeks dry today…

Because I am SO laughing at this image.

Autistics Do It Better

Just yesterday while making Daniel banana and yogurt, I voiced my complete contempt for bananas. I do not like the shape, the texture, the smell, the feel…nothing. David had comments flying around his head that he did not share thankfully, but he was laughing pretty hard. I think the “Autistics Do It Better” post is a good one to read, the taboo of sex and talking about it is a bit dated. There are so many people who feel uncomfortable about it, and there needs to more open discussions. Let me say:”safe” open discussions without judgments and condemnations. I am so thankful for writers like him stepping out and writing these things. It not only helps me prepare as a parent, but this will only make life much easier for my kids. I won’t talk about my issues with all of that, I am just happy my kids will not go through what I have.

Yes, 78% happy and 22% sad today, I do like 22.

Who would have thought writing out things while not in denial would make me feel so much better? I guess at this point you should just nod and smile, but only after you read my side note.

Side note: I didn’t realize that the in the image of “Autistics Do It Better” he has a condom on the banana, that made my banana story even funnier to me. My subconscious just played a joke on me. Please don’t get offended at bananas with condoms.

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Yes, hello sadness cycle there you are…Ironically every time I am in my “happy” cycle I tend to fool myself into believing that it will last. I was debating whether or not I wanted to “out” myself since I have been on such a good run, but the truth is, I fooled myself. It is an odd occasion where I am not feeling both happy/sad at the same time. I should start charting the degrees of what I am feeling. Today I am 51.8% sad and 48.2% happy. I am being consistent. It was not until yesterday, when I felt completely overwhelmed and started to have thoughts of not mattering to people that I realized this is truly a pattern of mine.

The things leading up to my current feelings are very clear.

I have exposed myself with information that I feel is making me naked in front of the whole world. I then, felt foolish over the things I shared. I felt like it was silly to feel exposed over what type of music I like or that I always wanted to go to the ballet. Most people do not find that exposing at all. However, to me I am sharing things that by my now expression of liking them is more intense. I have the feeling that NOW everyone else will know what I am thinking or feeling. I have voiced my liking for things before with no real consequence to me because I kept hidden my true feelings in my mind. Once I openly confessed how much I cared for something in my recent posts it was like my words revealed the real me, but to other people they were just words. I tend to forget that people do not think of them like I do.

Words and music are very personal things to me.

Many times I feel like I have closer relations with them than people…Ok, I actually do. I have deep attachments to some of these things that I have been sharing lately. Then, after I have shared them I relived past meltdowns/shutdowns, and other experiences about some of the things that I have exposed. Once those enter the picture I feel guilt or shame, or the worst possible feeling in the world for me — stupid. If I spiral down to the point of feeling like an idiot, well then I have mastered my perfect point of depression cycle.

I am not there yet, but that is also the reason for this post – to stop it.

What makes me feel stupid? It is not the feeling of lack of intelligence about certain topics, or questioning my ability to think and reason through most things. It is not about my ability to be educated, or feeling that I lack the ability to regurgitate information acquired in an articulate manner. No, it is not that at all, though what I am about to say does trigger doubt in my intellect sometimes. It is feeling like I am being made fun of, being misunderstood, treated poorly, feeling like I am misunderstanding others, and I cannot figure out what it is true or not. It is wondering if my aunt is angry with me for some reason though I have done nothing to make her angry, and if she was she would tell me. It is feeling anxious because I did not call my dad and step mom on Christmas because I couldn’t from social stress. It is the feeling of being invisible with all of my family members on fb while they are all “living” it up with each other and nary a Merry Christmas or Happy New Year sent my way.

I did email my dad that was all I could do.

David skyped his dad and step mom and, then his mom and her side of the family and I could barely get off of the computer long enough to say: “Hi”. My mom was here when David skyped his dad so I could say: “Hi” and not have to worry about talking very much. David did thank me for my feeble attempts to be social though I am a good faker in that area it tends to eat at me and gnaw at my insides until I crack. I have another post that I have been working through titled “Faking Happy”. There is a statement in there from David that I believe is worth sharing more than once. He said to me several days ago: “You have the ability to stay in long relationships completely unhappy, and no one knows it except for you.”

Yea, that spun me into several paths of thought.

It also brought tears that were completely unexpected. I can go through all of my long-term relationships and see this, with family, friends, ex’s, and even in my workplace. I was willing to work to the point of my complete illness both mental and physical because I did not want to hurt my bosses or upset them. These were bosses who used my abilities for their gain and did not treat me right at all. I remembered the last boss I had at a major retailer. We had an agreement I would come to his store if he got me in to do another round of what they called “Round Robin” sessions. The Round Robins were a day involving three sets of interviews with usually three executives all at the same time including store managers, district managers, and the Human Relations district manager. The regional manger would be there for certain positions. It was very challenging, and not the best thing for a person with anxiety issues or Aspergers. If I had known then I wouldn’t have been so hard on myself, and felt like such a failure.

I had gone through them twice already, and felt I could finally do well through them and get promoted.

There is a whole story with all of that, but basically my anxiety would get the best of me and my true self would not show. They always commented about me “not looking them in the eyes” and felt that I was too insecure and timid. HA! Me timid? I may be a lot of things, but when it comes to work I have never been timid. I was good at every job I did there and I knew it. I was a good trainer and most of the time a good leader when I did not have to deal with social nonsense.

Back to the story, I had been working over night for several weeks and was out of the loop.

I came in one morning to discover that the Round Robins were going on that day. My boss failed to tell me, and he did not even sign me up. He forgot about me even though he had been walking with me every night, complimenting me, and was even amazed at the amount of work I had accomplished in such little time. The people who I was talking to could tell that I was beyond upset, I asked where he was and they told me that he was part of the interviewing sessions.

I walked out.

They tried to stop me and calm me down, but I was done and I was not coming back. I sobbed uncontrollably the whole way home. I sobbed for hours, and I did not leave my bed. I felt such excruciating pain in my body that I cannot even describe. I felt broken. I felt rejected, invisible, and I could not understand why someone could not care the least little bit about me when I had poured my life into that store for him. Well for the company, but I was devoted to him as a boss. It triggered every moment in time where I put my trust in an authority figure, proved my loyalty and abilities only to feel trampled on and ignored. He called me leaving messages for me to come back, I did not pick up the phone I heard his messages on the machine.

I did come back and he apologized over and beyond.

He was honest in telling me that he didn’t have a good reason he had just forgotten. He forgot me. Do you know what that did to a person like me? It solidified the already pounding voices that had told me I did not matter. My hard work and over 60 hours a week that I put in did not matter. The fact that I drove 45 minutes to work, was there on time, stayed as long as he needed, fixed things in other departments for team leaders who were not fulfilling their job duties, and spending my days off if needed there…did not matter. My reactions may seem a bit extreme, but it triggered a lot of emotions at the time. I was also still deeply wounded by past relationships where the men in my life made me feel as if I didn’t matter. I got over it, I understood his reasons.

He did have a lot going on.

The positive that came out of it was that I did not have to go through those series of interviews ever again! He felt awful, and since I had already gone through them twice, he was on the committee, and I had proved my abilities and how capable I was I got promoted anyway. They also could not locate my previous reviews that had stated that I needed more “growing”. It was strange. I look back on some of my situations where I felt completely devastated by things like that and see how a lot of the times they ended up working out in my favor. It does not take away the feelings of rejection, the feelings that I was not even thought of was extremely painful, I still feel it today. I do not know how other people handle these types of things. I do not know how people get over these thoughts, or when the sting of familiar feelings hit how do they not relive them.

My mind has to work double time to cope with this stuff.

I am nowhere near where I used to be, and that is a positive. I read several posts yesterday from the blog Life with Aspergers about Aspergers and depression. I cannot tell you how much these posts helped me. I combed through them and applied what I was learning. I discovered my biggest problem is much like my anxiety problem was I have not accepted this cycle. I finally accepted my anxiety which has helped immensely. Even though I have confessed my understanding of the cycles, I still have not accepted all of them fully. I had hidden thoughts that somehow if I had the information that it would miraculously disappear. I am not talking about being in severe depression — I know the difference between that and my cycles. I would go to a doctor if I was feeling that way. This is the depression that comes and is triggered by certain things, but I know that it will go soon enough.

I get negative thoughts, but mostly because I hold in my hurt, anger, or frustrations.

I also can cause myself a great deal of stress by fixating on my confusion. I will start to think things like I shouldn’t post ever again, or share my poetry, or walk out of my house because what does it matter anyway. I begin to believe that people do not want to hear from me ever again. I have images of family, and friends rolling their eyes at my emails or comments. I then think they only reply because they feel obligated. I start to tell myself that I need to clam up. I need to wither away into my own small world with no social contact so that I will not feel the social confusion, or anxiety.

It’s funny as I am writing these out and sharing them I see how silly they sound.

That reveals to me how I should not waste time on these kinds of thoughts or worry about things like whether my family even knows if I exist. I have accepted this cycle and I can already feel some of the silly thoughts leaving me now. I confess though they feel real, but I know that many of them are not. I am going to listen to this song for a while ACCENTUATE THE POSITIVE~Johnny Mercer & The Pied Pipers and work through some of these thoughts. I am tired of faking happy. Tomorrow I will shoot for 68% happy and 32% sad…my gradient of joy. My acceptance of the depression (sadness) cycle is a healing process for me with my acceptance comes the ability to think of new ways to handle and process it. I am exchanging unhealthy patterns for new healthier ones one layer at a time.

If you have not read these I highly recommend them they are great resources.

Aspergers and Depression

Asperger’s and Depression – Part 2

Asperger’s and Depression – Part 3

Asperger’s and Depression – Part 4

This post from another blog helped me too.

Managing Your Anxieties and PTSD

And another song because I think Kevin Spacey is tops!

Also because I was listening to the soundtrack of Midnight Garden of Good and Evil…maybe that made me sad? No, it was a series of things including sensory stuff. Without further ado I give you “That Old Black Magic” performed by Kevin Spacey who always makes me smile. (I loved him in Se7en, another favorite…Big surprise!)

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