I am reposting my very first blog post along with some additional thoughts in celebration of my four-year blogoversary. Originally, posted May 13, 2009.

I remember when Daniel was born he was first; he paved the way for his twin sister and made the whole experience very quick and easy. He turned head down at about six months and stayed that way until the end. He was so far down I thought he was just going to come out at any time. When I saw him I only had a moment because the doctor asked if I wanted to rest and then said if I did my little girl may go breech. So I didn’t take a break I said, “Let’s go I can’t have that.” Seven minutes later there she was my precious Ariel.

My twins were finally here!

I held Daniel right away, but it was very short. I had to wait until we got to the room to finally enjoy him. They were so beautiful. It was such an awesome experience and I was filled with joy. I remember thinking I didn’t know if I could love them. I was sort of afraid that I wouldn’t be able to love them the way they needed to be loved. They were so precious and such amazing gifts. I thought everything would be great. Just like the pregnancy and birth. It was all so good and went so well.

I thought now we will just be like everyone else with kids.

I had the image in my mind that we would all be happy and “normal.” At least my kids, I didn’t think they could possibly suffer from any of the things I suffered from. I came from teenage parents who got a divorce when I was around three. My single mom worked her butt off, but we were still in the lower income class up into my teenage years, living in a trailer. My mom being divorced and my dad remarried to my step mom with their own family – that was my life.

Later my mom being remarried having their own children, everyone belonged except for me.

(Several years later divorced again, now a single mom with three girls.) The torture of being bullied and made fun of all through school, suffering from anxiety and depression from as far back as I can remember – abusive relationships and my turmoil with wanting friends/relationships, never “fitting in,” but desperately wanting to still longing for solitude all at the same time.

No way would our children ever have the same fears and issues as me!

I thought that David and I could be stable; we could work hard at keeping peace and balance in our household. Surely, our kids would be able to enjoy life and not have any problems. Right?

I am adding to this post now. (May 19, 2013) 

A lot has happened since this first post. I have learned much and I have changed a great deal. My expectations of “normal” are diminished and I no longer carry the burden of society’s delusional view of normalcy. I have spent the last four years educating myself on many neurological issues. Before I had only focused on certain aspects of Autism, aspects that were skewed by other people’s lack of understanding and my own misunderstandings. When I started this blog, I was still heavily reliant upon others to help guide my way through this world.

I had lost my voice completely and became a shell of me. 

I knew something was wrong, but I had no idea what it was – I was too busy trying to find answers and help Daniel. I became dependent upon David to tell me whom to trust and about the world. I had become isolated, depressed, and anxiety ridden. The day I wrote and published this it was the day that my subconscious had had enough and took over to try to pull me out of the pit I had buried myself in. There is so much more that I could write, but at this moment, I feel that I am done.

My writings from May 2009 are only shadows of person that I am having a hard time relating to. 

She was make-believe, hidden under the voices of everyone else. The only thing that is still the same is my love and utter devotion to my children. Sure there are traces of the real me throughout all of my writings. It is rather hard for me to articulate my true meaning. However, it has only been the past year that I uncovered layers of myself that I was unaware existed. A lifetime of my “self” being smashed down for the sake of trying to survive this world had blinded me to many things.

I am proud of all that I uncovered about myself. 

By gaining the knowledge that I am Autistic, I have been able to accept and understand myself much more. My official diagnosis helped me a great deal, some do not need that, but I needed it for my self-acceptance and healing process. My self-esteem has boosted a bit, and even on days when I feel inadequate I know that it is only a fleeting emotion based upon other’s perceptions or inability to accept me. I have accomplished a lot in these four years. I feel that I am a better person – I am a real person. I have always been honest; I shared what I believed in that moment of time to be true.

However, we are all in a constant state of change.

Our views change, our interests may change, our understanding about our world changes, if we allow ourselves to be continual learners we are open to a lifetime of change. I think one of the things that I noticed looking back through my older posts, is that though my perspectives and views may have changed, my character and values have remained. I care deeply for people, I am willing to be vulnerable and open for the sake of healing and helping others, and my children are everything to me.

Those are just a few I can think of off the top of my head. 

This poem was originally on the first post. I did not edit it. It was a moment of my heart and I still feel this way.

My Kids

Bright and smiling they lead me to join
into the trumpet of laughter and song.

The questions they had for me today,
gave me hope in a new way.

Dancing and leaping just because,
what fun it is to live life as bright as the sun.

We have such peace, wonder, and love.
Countless moments and many to come.

They make me better they make me right.
They cause me not to be so uptight.

They fill me with awe and surprise.
Wonderful gifts that no money could buy.

Unique and different in every way,
I can’t say no when I hear “Mom, let’s play”!

They are perfect in every way,
being themselves as they play.

All frustrations wash away,
when I see their smiles throughout the day.

My prayer for them is that they will be
truly who they were created to be and live their life completely free.

These are some of my favorite memories.

We watched scary movies, listened to great music, they let me dance all wild and do my gymnastics all over the yard, just being my silly self, (I have not changed much.) and they did what “naughty” teenagers do. Hee hee My dad and step mom had parties a lot. My dad had his band over for practice A LOT also. That reminds me I have another post floating in my head about Freddie Mercury. My dad would take on the persona of any musician – he did a rock awesome Freddie. It helped that he had many similar features as him as well.

Tonight on my way home from the store “Centerfold” came on.

I turned it up and as I was singing thinking my happy thoughts, I was consumed with emotion. First, it was dread, but I did not know why. Then, confusion it ended in laughter. I will explain in a moment. This week has been great with my mom. It has been taxing, draining, exhausting, but it was a great visit. However, I was overcome with many emotions. I became bombarded with her negative emotions that she has connected to this town. She tried very hard to be positive, but I felt her energy. I knew what she was thinking and feeling even if I could not articulate the exact emotion – I knew.

I had my emotions about her being here.

On Wednesday, she shared a whole bunch of old photos that stirred up a mess of emotions that I am still trying to process and find words for, I am working on a post for that because it requires an entire post itself. My body, spirit, and mind absorbed my children’s emotions too. Those are a not as complicated, but mixed with everyone else and my own it’s a bit much to process. I am feeling good about tonight’s emotional surprise though. I have made some huge progress in identifying quickly my emotions, knowing what triggered them, and articulating them. Not always, but yesterday I was able to and now this evening.

I was able to see them as emotions without judgment.

I allowed myself to feel them with the knowledge that they would be fleeting. When I heard the song, dread poured into my soul because kids at school made fun of me about the song. They would point and sing, “Angel Is A Centerfold” and I would sing back laughing and dancing. I had no idea what a centerfold was, all I knew was that I thought it was super cool whenever I heard a song with my name in it. I thought the kids thought it was cool too. It was not until several years later possibly as an early teen, I cannot exactly recall, that I discovered what a centerfold was. Even when I watched the video, I did not understand it.

I do remember that one of the boys started laughing at me on the bus about it.

A group of boys who bullied me at the bus stop started singing it on the bus ride home. I laughed and sang along and he stopped saying something like, “What is wrong with you? Are you stupid or something?” I did not understand why he said that asked what he meant. He said, “Angel is a centerfold. You’re naked! Ha ha ha” I was so confused; I remember looking at myself thinking, what is he talking about? I have all my clothes on. It gave the boys more ammunition to call me a “ding bat” “spacey” and “stupid.”

All of that filled my innards when the song first came on.

It caused dread and confusion. After I processed that, I began to laugh. I felt incredibly thankful to be me. I thought how wonderful it was to stay so innocent of such things despite the abuse that had happened to me when I was even younger than that. I thought about all of the things that I had been exposed to that at the time I had no clue was VERY much too adult for my age. I still have memories of things that I do not realize were inappropriate for me until it is something to that my kids may be exposed to. There have been times when David asked me why I left something on the TV when the kids were in the room. I was clueless that it would be inappropriate.

I did not understand what was happening on the show.

I found it confusing, which is why the TV stays off. I am not SO naive that I would let them watch anything really bad, but I do have my moments when I just-do-not-get-it. I am SUPER sensitive at times too. My good memories of the song, dancing with my aunts took over and washed away the dread and confusion. I wanted to be sure and document this because I have had an intense week, but I have also made some great progress with my emotions and some of my trauma. Now, there is another post on the way that I am unsure as to how I feel about it. I will say I find it interesting how an object can trigger all sorts of negative associations. Especially, when it is something as innocent as a child’s toy phone.

I will tackle those emotions later for now I am dancing to this! (Yes, we did the dance in the video.)

I just had a thought, I realized how ironic it was that as a child my mom could not keep clothes on me. I was a child who took her clothes off at any chance I could get. It was such a frustration and challenge for my mom. I am glad I finally found clothes I could wear! I would never be able to be a centerfold girl though, nope, just could not do it.

It is good and unfortunate.

She originally, had planned on coming at the end of June, but she was able to get plane tickets $200 cheaper if she came this week. She just got them without talking to me. She had no idea that this would be “crunch time” for the end of school. However, the good thing is that my mom understands and she is staying with my grandma. Those two go on adventures of their own in the morning and then, we see them after school is finished for the day. I wish we were able to see more of her, but the truth is we ALL get socially exhausted. My mom can only spend a certain amount of time socializing before she starts to get cranky and lose her filters. (She is not the only one!)

Once again, I say it is good and unfortunate.

It is unfortunate that we cannot do as others do and squeeze every last bit of socializing out to try to make it last for another year, but we are not made that way. It’s ok! The good is that we ALL understand and it does not hurt anyone’s feelings. Yesterday, we went to the zoo. It was a perfect day. The weather was warm (finally) and there was a nice breeze. I noticed that on the website that they offer a discount if you are a resident, but I had no way to prove my residency because I still have not gotten my driver’s license and nothing is in my name. I was a little bummed because I like to take advantage of discounts as much as possible!

When we got to the window, I realized that I knew the girl.

I was so excited. I then, blurted out, “Oh! You know I live here right?” She said, “Yes” with a chuckle. I did not think anything of it until later. I knew her from my spin class. My aunt is also her personal trainer. Interestingly, she had not been to spin class for over a month, but the night before she had come back. She had an injury so she had to take time off. Monday night was the first night I actually had a conversation with her. It was not until we got home that mom started cracking jokes about me saying, “Oh! You know I live here right?” I looked at her confused and asked, “What? Did I say something wrong?”

She reassured me that I had done nothing wrong.

However, from another person’s perspective it could have seemed very odd. Apparently, I was very loud, excited, and went into detail of how I did not have a proof of residency. I did all of that and then, be-bopped away as if nothing had happened. So my grandma and mom had no idea how I knew this person and they found it amusing that I was so insistent on getting that discount. Later, my mom realized that I was starting to loop about my “odd” behavior and what I had said because they were making jokes about it. She told me, “Stop! We were just teasing you. You did nothing wrong. Do not loop!”

After she said that I said, “Well I am glad I did it with that girl because she is used to my aunt!”

My whole family does awkward social things. It has helped in social settings when meeting new people who also know my family members. We are all a bit unique (odd) in our own ways and when we tell people that we are related they seem to get an “understanding” type of look on their face. Whatever  that means.

Back to the zoo. 

We received a map for the zoo and I was taken aback at Daniel’s response. He was filled with excitement. Once he discovered the map was for whole zoo he requested to hold it. He watched for animal markers so he could know where we were at every moment. At first, he asked me why the animals did not move. I had to explain to him that the map was not interactive. He found great flaw in that and could not understand why the zoo would not make an interactive map. Lol!

It was the first time that I noticed Daniel truly able to enjoy himself.

There were moments when he was extremely anxious if Ariel and Joshua got too far away for him, or if mom and grandma lagged behind too far. He was afraid that we would lose them. I had to reassure him that we would not lose them and that I could see them with no problem. He ended up enjoying the map much more than the animals, except for the turtles because turtles are his “favorite ever!” He was calm and able to focus because he could gauge the distance between each place we were going. He knew what to look for and he knew the markers that showed us it was the end.

It did not occur to me that for him to have a map would help his anxieties.

I cannot believe I have not thought of it before! When we got home, he asked me all about the map and said that he wished that he had a map of our house. I told him that I could print off maps from the internet if he wanted me to and I asked him if that would help if I did every time, we were going somewhere. He squealed with excitement and said, “You can do that?” He asked me to print off a map for him that is from our house to the YMCA.

He has been carrying his maps with him around the house, studying them. 

Earlier today, he asked me if he could do the iPad while he was on a break from school. I let him choose whatever he wants since it is his free time. Lately, it has been MAPS! Hello, me! He has been meandering on Google maps and Quake Viz. You can watch a demo here QuakeViz App Demo. I did not connect the dots until yesterday at the zoo that maps would make Daniel a very happy boy. I had not considered how it would greatly reduce his anxieties about where we are going and how long it will take. Google maps gives all the information that could help ease him. I do this for myself ALL the time, why had not I thought of it for him?

I am kind of kicking myself for not thinking of it before. (That is a funny literal image.) 

Somehow, I just never did… well, now I know AND it can change our world. Today he requested that I print out a map to grandma’s house before we left. He was all giggles and ready to get into the car. Even though he has been to grandma’s on many occasions, he still has felt a bit anxious before going. He did not today; he looked for things that were on his map. He told me how long it would take to get there. He said, “We have made it to B on the map.” when we got to her house. He said, “We are back to A, which is our house.” when we arrived home.

I am SO excited about this; I think it is going to be a great thing. 

He has liked maps for a long time, but he never made the connection that they actually show us where we are at he just enjoyed looking at them. The moment he saw our house on Google Earth it was something that stunned his mind. He sat there quietly at first then; he looked around with a great big smile while squealing with joy he said, “Oh my, goodness that is our house! It really is our house!” I am going to take advantage of his interest this summer and teach him how to make maps.

I will print them out for every place we go. 

I will create a binder of maps with all of the places we go to and let him keep them for future use and for his studying fun. I have a feeling this is going to help him a great deal. He is going to be a happy fella with his clock that he keeps with him constantly that tells him the time, date, along with an alarm that we use as a timer and his maps. I think I may start doing it for me too! Kidding, well I do print out maps a lot. :-/ At the zoo, I learned so much and we all had a grand fabulous day.

Now for some pictures and some smiles for new adventures to come. 

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I am not big on celebrating Mother’s Day. 

Neither is my mom or Grandma, we met for lunch today and completely forgot to say “Happy Mother’s Day.” Even after my uncle had stopped by and brought my Grandma flowers. Lol! After remembering, I said, “Oh, I am sorry I did not get you guy’s cards or anything.” They both shrugged and said, “Either did we.”  I love that! There is no guilt or condemnation. We know where we stand with each other and we just enjoy our time together. After lunch, we went to the mall, because my mom and Grandma like shopping. I do not, but I do enjoy walking and talking with them AND Grandma bought me a cute dress and top. Score!

It has been a good day, but I am exhausted. 

The mall sucks all of the energy out of the three of us. The sensory stuff really drains me and when I feel crowded by people and merchandise it gets to me. Still I had a marvelous time with the two ladies that influenced my life the most while growing up. I wish a very wonderful Mother’s Day to all the mothers out there. I hope that you are having a great day, if it is day that causes you to struggle my thoughts are with you. There are many reasons why that could be and for those reasons, I sometimes do not say any anything about Mother’s Day or Father’s Day. (((HUGS))) to any of you who may need one!

May your heart be filled with joy and peace today! (Each and every day.) 

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BUT it makes me feel so good!

I have started to work out on a daily basis, even if I can only fit in 20 minutes of cardio, but throughout the day, I am doing push-ups, scissors, jumping jacks, crab crawls, whatever it takes to give me that boost to push through the muddledness that tries to take over. This has proven to help me – sometimes for only a short period, but it is enough to get things done. I had not thought about any physical goals with starting my workouts back up, until I started to feel my body get stronger. It has taken several weeks, but I am feeling the difference in my workout.

I am able to do 10 real push-ups!

That is huge for me because my upper body strength has always been a challenge. This past Monday I was able to do things in my spin (cycle) class that I have not been able to before. My body has not felt this strong in years. My new strength strangely makes me feel more confident and self-assured too. Self-assured for me means that I do not think about my “oddness, possible inappropriateness, and/or quirks.” That is until it is brought to my attention. I had not initially meant to talk about my workout stuff.

My original thoughts had to do with last night at my Piloxing class.

The other night I did not get any alone time, last night I needed to work out even though I did not feel like it at all. (Ariel came with me so technically I still have not had any alone time, I am taking some time today and doing whatever I want!) I did not mention this in my last post, but Daniel will not go to bed without me again. He is refusing to leave me and for the past couple weeks Ariel is waking up in the middle of the night and coming to bed with me too.

I have not slept very well being sandwiched between Daniel and Ariel. :-/

I digress. I arrived a little early to class, the instructor and several other women were sitting outside waiting for the other class to finish so we could go in. The instructor is a lovely woman; I really like her bubbly and happy attitude. She is not fake about it and she is not over the top, she feels very genuine. However, last night I was not in the mood. Everyone was quiet except for her and another woman. The instructor realized that their conversation was rather exclusive so she tried to spark up conversations with the rest of us. She asked, “So how is everyone’s week going?” All the women said things like, “Good, fine, everything is going good.”

I could not do it.

I was not smiling, I looked at her trying to get something positive to come out of my mouth, but I could not. Right before I left the house, I was trying to comfort Daniel because of something that triggered him. It does not bode well for me to go into a social setting right after Daniel has had a difficult time. I was in recovery myself. She could tell that I was not too zealous about the week and she asked, “Is your son still having a difficult time?” This sank in my gut triggering the week prior when my aunt had walked by and asked in front of all the women, “How is Daniel? Is he still melting down?’ I knew that she was concerned and was trying to be supportive so I was not offended or upset, but I had panic run through my body and mind because she said it in front of all the women. (If she said it to only me I would not have thought about it at all, that is how we talk to each other.)

All of the women looked at me oddly and I said something like, “Yes, he is still having a rough time.”

They looked at me as if waiting for more details, but I would (could) not say anything else. I found myself holding back the words “He is Autistic.” There were (are) several reasons, 1) I do not want “meltdowns” associated with my son because he is such a sweetheart. He is gentle, kind, and caring much of the time. 2) I normally know the triggers of the how’s and why’s of his meltdowns.

I would end up going to great lengths explaining why he is having these difficulties and people really do not want to hear it. 

3) Media has tainted Autism in such negative ways that I never know how people will respond when they hear that my son is Autistic. 4) I sure as heck do not want to encounter someone telling me that it is vaccines, my bad parenting, demons, and/or he can be cured in an instant with coconut oil. Yes, people have said these things to me in real life so I am a bit apprehensive in sharing about my son. (I am not even at a place to consider sharing that I am Autistic.)

It has nothing to do with shame; frankly, I do not have the energy to take on those types of things right now.

5) I want a safe place! I want to go to a place where I can let go of all of the stuff going on in my life and enjoy myself. I have fun working out. The harder it is the better I feel. I start laughing when it gets really tough. It releases some sort of “happy juice” in me when I feel as though my body cannot go any farther. Then, I feel this intense “RAWR!” inside my head and I push forward breaking my own boundaries. I compete with myself and try to push myself harder and harder each time. 6) I do not want people’s sympathies. Those who understand the challenges my son and I go through is enough for me.

When I read from another parent who is or has gone through some of these experiences it gives me hope.

It reminds me that I am not alone. It reminds me that others are struggling too and they got through it. It reminds me that I have gone through it before or it paves the way of understanding when/if it happens in my life. Those who have not been through it cannot comfort me. It does not help me to hear a parent of “normal” children try to find comparisons to make me feel better. They are not the same. I do appreciate their efforts in trying to relate and be sympathetic, but it only enhances my feelings of isolation.

Those are a few reasons why I do not want to share with people.

Back to the story… She felt uncomfortable with my respond and moved on. She then, said, “Be sure to invite your friends here because we need to have eight people each week to keep the class going.”

Everyone was silent and looking down.

She said it another two times and then, looked at me. Without a thought the words blurted out, “I do not have any friends. If I did I would invite them because I love this class.” She looked at me and laughed saying, “Oh come on.” I looked at her matter-of-factly, “I really do not have any friends.” Realizing that my words were causing EVERYONE to feel uncomfortable, but not really understanding why, I said, “I just moved here and have not had opportunities to meet people.”

At this point, my aunt was walking by and I felt that I had to say something.

I blurted out, “She is my friend, but she teaches on Thursdays so she cannot come.” My aunt stopped and said, “What?” I told her what I had said, and she immediately took over. I knew that I had said something that seemed wrong, but I was not sure why it was wrong. I reached out to my aunt because I knew that she could help fix whatever “social faux pas” I had done. I knew that I needed a good reason for not having any friends because of experiences, being in very similar situations. My aunt did take over and gave more clarity about my move and not having time until recently, and that I have not had time to make connections. That is partially true.

I could feel the air in the hallway a little bit heavier, but still not sure why.

The conversation dwindled, I felt awkward and sad, but could not think of what was making me feel that way. I later understood that what I was feeling was the emotions from the other women. They felt sad for me not having any friends. However, it took all night to process that for me to understand that sadness and that it was not my sadness. Then, it was time to start class. There is one woman who has been friendly toward me, I finally realized that I had briefly talked to her the night I went into Zumba instead of spin class. (No bikes were available.)

She has sparked up “Hello’s, how are you doing? and you should try such and such class.” several times.

I did not understand why she acted as if she knew me, but I realized that she was being nice and seems to be similar to the instructor with wanting to talk and be nice. I like her too. I have tried to talk to her more, working on my social anxieties. Last week she suggested that I try the Zumba class on Wednesdays and she commented on how much I seem to enjoy the classes.

It’s true, I seem to be the only one in them laughing, and smiling while, others look like they are in pain.

It made me wonder about my past self-harm behaviors. They made me feel better, they made me feel, they caused some form of “feel good” trigger that others could not understand. Intense workouts seems to do the same type of thing. Interesting… It is definitely a much better coping mechanism. Sorry, I am all over the place on this post. I share my interaction with her because after class I tried to talk to her again. There were several things that felt awkward, but I did not know what they were or why, again.

Until, I was in the car on my way home.

I felt much better after leaving; Ariel had fun in the activity center so I was happy about that. As we sat at a stop light I started laughing hard, saying aloud, “Oh, my gosh I feel embarrassed.” Ariel asked me about what. I shared with her what I had said about not having friends and then, realizing that everyone was looking at me oddly because people do not usually say those types of things. I then, realized that some of them were looking at me with faces that may have been “I feel sorry for you” types of looks or something. It made me feel sad.

I laughed again thinking how funny I sounded being so matter-of-fact about not having friends.

I thought how confusing it must have been for the ladies because my expression was stoic. I was not sad it was simply the truth. In my mind, I would love to invite more people because I never want the class to end – EVER! (Unless I get bored and find another workout. ) However, I was struck again with embarrassment and sadness. (All of this through the eight stop lights on the way home.) I had every moment when I have been asked to “invite friends” to some sort of function flood my brain along with the emotions. At school, at work, at church, to parties, now at the Y. I have not had friends to invite. Either I only had one friend, who may or may not have been interested in what I was doing or I had no one.

I thought how silly I would have sounded to the women had I shared the whole truth, I have no friends, except online.

“Yes, ladies my only friendships live hundreds or thousands of miles away in other states and countries, who may or may not be using their real names!” AND I LIKE IT! Don’t get me wrong, I do want friends in real life. I live in a constant conundrum of longing to have a friend in real life and enjoying my solitude. There are days when I desperately wished I had someone to come over to my house that would just help me as friends do, or comfort me when nothing else can. However, in my experience I tend to take on the role of “comforter, helper, problem solver” for them. It drains me and tires me leaving me unable to share anything that I am going through.

I do not feel sad about not having friends until I am asked to invite them somewhere. 

That goes for social media too. I do have several “friends” on my facebook pages, but when I am asked to invite people or share, I get that same awkward feeling and my head fills with the words, “I have no friends.” I feel sad about that too, but once again I am not exactly sure why. I see other people who I follow that have a TON of “friends” and it makes me wonder why I do not.

Is it because I am not able to maintain my social interactions?

Is it because people genuinely do not like me? Is it because no one can relate to me? Is it because they are just not interested in me? Are these the reasons why I do not have friends in real life? Am I too strange, awkward, and/or arrogant?  I ask these types of questions without any emotion. Sometimes I am overcome with emotions when I think if it other times, like today it is merely wonderment. I do not feel badly, I just do not understand nor do I know how to change it.

I still find my social awkwardness funny, despite all the other emotions that it stirs up. 

I am not sure if others know what I am talking about, it would be nice to know if anyone else feels these types of things. I wonder if there are others who feel that constant confusion of feeling lonely, but liking to be alone. I do wish that I had someone else with me at times to point out these awkward situations to help me process and guide me into feeling ok about it. I will do it on my own, or I will be remaining oblivious, as I have done in the past, but every once in awhile I really wish I had someone to share this stuff with, another socially awkward person perhaps? Another introvert type that could make me laugh when I say inappropriate things? 

Hey, is anyone willing to Skype with me to my next Piloxing class? Ha ha ha 

It is not happening without great effort.

I found myself staring at my computer screen this morning unable to pull myself out of that state. I heard all that was going on around me, but I could not move. I stared with jumbled words and sadness. I have several reasons for this happening to me, but I am unable to articulate it. This starting happening last week when I was faced with several social issues that sank me into near anxiety attacks. I was able to work through them fairly well. Then, came an emotional rush of feeling disconnected from people. I felt lost and without friends or anyone to turn to many times it is that way. I have no one that I can share with about what is happening in my life.

I have no one to confide in about the challenges that I am facing.

I can to a certain point on my blog and with some friends when they are not in their own state of shutdown or consumed with daily life. I also, do not want to “bother” anyone with my “problems.” I have my personal struggles that I am dealing with and the feeling of loss, but I cannot explain what I feel loss about. Possibly my grandiose imaginations, which happen to be the things that give me hope on a regular basis. Once I feel that I have lost them too, I feel hopeless. I feel as though I will “never” get out of my situation. I will “never” be able to follow through on my plans and goals.

At those times, even my special interests fail me.

I know that this will pass. It always does. I do know that much of this has to do with having no time alone. I have not been able to get away and do anything for myself by myself. Last Friday, I had to spend my time running errands. I have spent much of my time trying to help Daniel because he is having a very challenging week. I believe he is adjusting to his new glasses, though it is a very good thing and he is happy, they are still a new adjustment. I have had to cancel some of his sessions for therapy and was thankful that this week he did not have live lessons with his teachers because I am sure I would have canceled them.

It is does not help that he is behind on his lessons and they have to be done by May 21st.

The stress of all the phone calls with teachers and talking to therapists has worn me out. He has been going through some sort of transition as well where the things that used to help him no longer help. He is beginning to reject all of my efforts to help him. He is getting even more upset at me when I try to help him. It causes me to shutdown because I do not know what to do; it triggers me to go into research mode. However, I have to gear my focus on finding strategies and researching ways to help Joshua. He needs my help too with ways to cope and to find ways to make reading and handwriting less stressful for him. Ariel needs me and I am seeing more and more each day how all of them need more emotional support.

I am fighting off the words, “I am a failure.”

Yesterday, after yet another moment of the school day not going in a positive direction, the tears came rushing out. I was so overwhelmed with so many things. I was struggling with my personal issues that I couldn’t (cannot) share with anyone and I just-needed-a-good-day! By evening, I felt catatonic, much like this morning. (“appearing to be in a daze or stupor; unresponsive“) I had enough in me to respond and take care of my children, but that took everything out of me. I am very good had hiding these things from my children. However, I have no doubt that they feel it and that could explain why Ariel sat next to me cuddling with me last night. She does not cuddle all that often.

I suppose I am finding some words at the moment.

It has occurred to me that I am under a great deal of stress. I am still processing many things that the boy’s teachers have said to me. I am not able to write everything out in regards to school at this time. I need to get them through the next two weeks. Mainly, Daniel since he is behind on his lessons. My mom is coming on Saturday AND I am excited about that! However, it also means that I need to keep the kids focused on school while she is in town. I am looking forward to hanging out with her and doing some fun things. I am going to see if she and my grandma want to go to lunch for Mother’s Day or something.

Big fat sigh… 

I think that is all I can get out of my head now. My brain still feels all clustered and clogged, but a little better. Quite honestly, I think the problem is that I have not had any downtime. I feel stretched very thin. I am being pulled in too many directions and not having any time to gather my pieces back into a whole. I am going to take the kids outside, get a little sun on my face, and see about getting out of the house for a little bit tonight. Maybe I just need to drive around town with my music blaring, singing at the top of my lungs for a while. I will be the coolest mom in a minivan EVER!  That’s all I got folks, I feel my words fading quickly.

Picture (of random and odd potatoes and my paintings) time! 

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It was a tough month for me.

It was tough personally, physically, emotionally and mentally. I dealt with several issues from my past. I became more open with some of my family about my personal struggles with my home life and within myself. I went through several despairing moments that I did not share with anyone. I struggled with finding positives in the midst of some of my challenges because the challenges are directly linked to Autism. It did not mean that I hated Autism or that I wish my son or I were not Autistic.

It was just that many of my experiences were difficult and I felt alone.

There are times when I shy away from sharing the reality of things because I do not want people to think of Autism in a negative way. There is some sort of balance that I think all of us must find to be able to share our struggles and challenges without being attacked for expressing ourselves. At the same, I DO NOT want people to jump on anything that is a challenge for me and assume that ALL Autistics have the same struggles or feel the same way. My challenges are different. My son’s are different. He is somewhere in the middle of the spectrum. In some areas he is closer to what would be categorized as Aspergers, but in more areas, he is not. Though there is really no way to “categorize.” or “label” properly.

He is Autistic, I am Autistic, and we both have similar challenges and unrelated challenges.

On the days when I feel overwhelmed, it gets to me. I get tired, drained, and sometimes depressed. I try to find my focus and hope, but when I am the only who can help and everything I do does not help I get down. When I feel alone in my anxiety, fears, loops, and begin to feel disconnected from the community I get sad and want to fade away. I start to think that I have not achieved anything and that I am stuck in failures.

I find it hard to see what I am doing or what I have done.

I suppose that is what friends, spouses, and family are for; I have not had people there to remind me. However, I have lately. Some of my family has made it a point to remind me that I am loved and that I matter. It has made a huge difference. I do not do this all the time. When it does happen, I get frustrated because I do not want to think those things or feel that way.

I know that it is not true.

The negative thoughts are not true thoughts. However, there are many things that can trigger the thoughts. They range from feeling as though I have lost a friend to being confused by a social interactions, or too many social interactions. I know that they are distorted cognitive thinking. Now I am getting better at recognizing how they are triggered. I decided that when I begin to feel this way that I am going to create a post that points out one or more positives that I see/feel/hear/connect to/relate to Autism. I chose Autism Happy because many times the triggers that start negative thinking are related to my Autistic being.

If I read something that has a negative connotation in regards to Autism, I begin to process.

My mind process starts with internalizing and attacking anything that is similar to the negatives mentioned. I do not do this all the time and other Autistics may not do this. My mom  is Autistic and does not do that at all. If she sees or hears anything negative she normally thinks, “Well they do not know what they are talking about.” I wish I could do that all the time, but I cannot. Even when I know that they do not know what they are talking about, I still have a tinge of, “Well maybe?” On those days, I can quickly dismiss it.

To help my process of dismissing negative thoughts, I will point out the positives.

I may only share an image or share music with a short explanation of how it is connected to an Autism Happy feeling. I want to be happy about being Autistic. I want my son to be happy about it too. I do not want the affects of my past or a distorted world image to distort my self-esteem or my child’s self-esteem. I want to remember all the good when I feel overwhelmed with negativity or the feelings of hopelessness. I also, may post when I am in my “Autistic Happy Loop.” I have strayed away from sharing that side. I feel as though I have been swallowed up into a whirlpool of frenzy for several months. I am much more balanced, but I still have my moments (hours, days) when I am having a hard time.

I may also share what caused my trigger.

It could possibly help others pinpoint their triggers as well. In the mean time, today I am feeling positive and hopeful. I am in kind of an Autism Happy Loop and when I am like that, I laugh and do goofy things a lot. Yesterday, I was stuck on the letter “Q” and I found it hilarious. Today I am stuck on purple monkeys.

I have no idea why.

I just think that they are hilarious and it makes me laugh every time I think about them. I am still quite serious and focused on my current research obsession, emotional/social/academic needs of gifted children. There is a post coming soon I am sure.

That is only one.

I am focusing on several interests at the moment, but it is taking longer to process them. I hope that having a positive focus now when I am struck with feelings of isolation; disconnect, fears, anxieties, etc… I am able to redirect quicker. Today what makes me Autism happy? My goofiness that seems quite odd and childish to others, however, I love a bit of cheesy goofiness.

To help remind me and to share a bit of my Autism Happy here are some purple monkeys! (And, a cow on skates.)

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I was a wondrous fairy chef who could talk to creatures and was best friends with butterflies!

The world was stupendous! But only in the back yard for those several hours that I could play alone and not be bothered with the rest of the world. Today Daniel found as much delight in these flying maple seeds as I did as a child. Then, it caught on with Ariel and Joshua as I shared my childhood fun with them. They all three now have a collection of them in the house. Daniel is playing with them and treating them as though they are delicate little creatures as to not break their “blades” that are “like fans.”

It was a brighter moment of our day.

Let’s just say things did not go as planned and the great outdoors helped us feel much better. Unfortunately, we had a sad moment outside when we discovered three baby birds that had died. Joshua was so upset he almost started crying. He said, “That makes me so sad. I think about that mommy bird and she must be so, so sad.” I shared a little bit about nature and how these things happen. It is sad, but it is what happens in nature. I was much softer when speaking with him; I was sad too and had to work through my own emotions. However, the helicopter seeds saved the day and to Daniel they are better than, any of his current toys.

Well OK! I think they are pretty cool myself.

Last year I contributed to the flash blog  To “I Wish I Didn’t Have Asperger’s” #AutismPositivity2012 Flash Blog.

I remember feeling struck with heartbreak when I discovered that someone had put those words into a search engine. In my post, I shared some of the awesome things about Autism. I was excited to see what would happen this year’s flash blog. I was delighted to see that this year we were focusing on “1000 Ausome Things!” (Yes, I am using too many exclamation marks in this post because I am over-the-top excited, especially after reading so many of the positives that are rushing the internet.

However, my mind is in a spin and I am having a difficult time trying to articulate what I want to.

Because I enjoy words so much and one of my gifts is using them on multiple levels I am going to take the “Ausome” word for a moment and share with you what I am in “Awe” of in regards to Autism. I use the word in the terms “of an overwhelming feeling of reverence, admiration.” The first part that I share is about my son who is Autistic. There have been so many moments that Daniel has made me awestruck. He filled my mind with wonderment and excitement by his actions and/or questions. The way that his heart feels and how he sees joy in the most simple of things, such as a screwdriver. Who knew that a screwdriver could be such an entertaining toy! It does everything, from spinning to opening up clock radios. It can be used to write words in putty and for some great magnet experiments.

Daniel asks questions that stump me and I love that. 

Only yesterday, without any indication that he has been thinking of this he looked at me and asked, “How can God hear us and we hear him if he is not here?” Good question. I did not want to get into a theological discussion with my eight year-old because he can dismantle my logic in seconds. However, I had to try. I could tell that he really needed some sort of resolution to the question. In my feeble attempt, I told him that God is like a spirit that lives within our hearts and that many times God does not speak to us directly, but through people, situations, or actions. He sat there staring, processing for several minutes. Then asked, “How can God fit into our hearts?”

Good point. 

I tried my best to explain that he does not live in our heart like a little person, but that he is like air, in nature, in every part of being. That led to him asking, “Do we breathe God?” I had no good words other than, “I guess that would be a way to think of it.” I was in no mind frame to have the discussion.  However, it made me think of all the times that Daniel has asked such questions. How do things work? Why do they work like that? Can we take it apart? Can we look at it on the internet? He wants to know every single detail and looks at the small things to connect the big things. His thoughts intrigue and amaze me. His kind spirit and deep emotions move me.

His laughter fills me with joy to the point that even now I have a little bit of tears filling my eyes. 

He sees the world in music; he lives in this world in constant curiosity. (Much like his mother.) He stims in drumbeats and claps. He hums any tune he hears in an instant. He delights and squeals when he gets his favorite food. His enthusiasm is contagious on some days. Yes, those are some grand marvelous (Awe) “Ausome” things that I get to enjoy. I am ever challenged, but the type of parent that I am I think that is Ausome! Those are a few great things about my little boy. This second half, I am not really sure where I am going.

Let us see …

The first thing that comes to mind is that October 2012 I was “officially” diagnosed as an Aspergers adult. I had a lot to process – I still do. I found that finally having answers and a community that I could actually relate to made my soul feel a little more whole. What I have I found is many people who are caring, kind, open, honest, and understanding. These are many of my Autistic peers. They are some of the most talented and articulate people I have encountered. They share their lives openly (as much as you can on the web. ) I cherish all that they give and the many ways that they have helped me to understand my mom (an Aspergers adult), my son, and myself.

I have found parents who are just as compassionate and caring as well.

They work hard at being advocates and I am amazed at all their efforts. They shine of positivity. There are some days when I feel a bit down and unsure about many things, but I have been able to bounce back much sooner because of all the “Ausome” words that our community pours into the internet waves. I have a better self-image because of all the positives that my peers and our advocates share. Being able to find answers, relate to other’s stories, and share my own stories knowing that others will understand has boosted my self-esteem. I am able to see positives about myself that I could not see before. The voices that are out there sharing and focusing on the good have helped spring board me in many ways to much soul searching and healing.

To me that is HUGE “Autism Ausomeness!”

I believe that the foundation is being laid for my son. (And for my other two children.) My kids will see their “quirks and oddities” their “stims and unique ways of thinking and processing” as Ausome! They will see a mom who (finally) sees and accepts her own talents and gifts. As well as someone who does not think of being Autistic as a negative, but who embraces it and seeks to help others to see the positives too. I admit it can be a challenge, but that is why we need more people to build us up and focus on our positives. We thrive when people acknowledge, accept, and point out the good things about us.

Ending with a short list.

1. We see the world in unique and interesting ways.
2. We have great abilities to seek out and dissect details.
3. We are artists in whatever talents we have whether through poetry, painting, creating images, or in how we can write and share our ideas about math, science, animals or computers. (Obviously, a very limited list I shared here.)
4. We can keep our childlikeness that can be a very good for stressful situations.
5. We have some pretty entertaining (ingenious) thoughts and perspectives.
6. We can be some of the most loyal and best friends you could ever ask for.

I will stop at six, it is a good number. (And some of us may see numbers dance and leap about in wonderful colors!) 

Oh, and words here are some of my dancing colorful words leaping about through poetry! Happy Ausome Day!