The woman I had been in contact with shared another house, but there was no way it would work. 

I decided to just stop thinking about it, but then yesterday I got a little panicky because we have to get a truck and a plane ticket and start packing. I talked to my step mom and she was going to have her parents look around for me. My aunt finally got to look at the place and said it was a nice quiet neighborhood. That bummed me out more, and I told her that they had people planned on moving in June 1st.

I went to the store questioning everything. 

I started to feel hopeless for various reasons – it wasn’t just that. I was feeling very alone and isolated. My thoughts were starting to spin into not so happy places as I pulled into Target’s parking lot. I saw a huge crow flying across the sky pretty close, just gliding and it made me smile. I was wishing that I were a crow at that moment so I could fly and play in the sky. I hurried through Target and came out to the car seeing an “Infinity” in big orange letters on a truck next to me.

I did a double take because I thought it was for Xfinity (Comcast cable).

I saw infinity (I still don’t know if my eyes were messing with me.) and thought it was strange as a matter-of-fact I got annoyed. Two things that mean something to me that can usually make me feel comfort a crow and infinity. I was in such a foul mood that when I got in the car and saw 8:11 pm I rolled my eyes. Especially, since I had shared a poem I wrote about the number 11 with a friend earlier in the morning before my day was ruined. I laughed at everything and shook it off. I had to go to another store to get a few items and then I headed home.

Oh, I forgot to mention that I wandered over to my mom’s before going to the store. 

I needed to hang with my mom and sister for a while. On the way there, Guns N’ Roses-Civil War played on the radio. Their music is always good for me to listen to LOUD when I am upset. I guess this radio station really like them because after I left mom’s, and head to the store they were playing Guns N’ Roses-November Rain. This band represents my hometown to me in a huge way. I thought it was odd, but did not think much else about it. I was feeling a little happy because my sister and I made plans to go see Dark Shadows next Sunday. We thought it would be fun since we both like darky type things. (For those who do not know I was named after Angelique from the original Dark Shadows.)

I got home, checked my email, and had a few surprise emails to make me smile. 

One being the representative that I had been working with for the house. She said, “Good news Angel, the house is back on the listing and I thought you would be interested.” Yeppers! I contacted her right away via email and started the application process. Then, this morning we hit a few snags, but bottom line we just need to be approved and the house is ours. There should be no problems. She described the house for me in more detail and it sounds much like this one.

That made me happy. 

I ended up being on the phone with her this morning, chatting with my aunt on fb, talking to my step mom on the phone, then, the neighbor and her daughter came over for a couple of hours. It was all good. I have two solid days of social encounters and a major stressful event and I am doing pretty well. Maybe it’s the calm before the storm! Aaaaaaa!! I feel much better about the house though. It still could all fall through for some reason, but I really feel like this is the place.

I feel better getting closer to actual dates and being able to plan in more detail. 

I am so excited to see my aunt. I was a little worried about the woman that I had been conversing with from an autism group there. I ended up downloading a ton of information because she shared that insurance doesn’t cover many of the therapies there and she was interested in ABA therapy. Well that led me into a huge tangent about different therapies, and what I have done with Daniel, and all of the resource materials I have that could possibly help her. I only sent her two links – I was proud of myself. I normally send at least 5…ok, maybe 10.

I did apologize in case I downloaded too much information. 

She emailed back and said that it was no problem, that she loves to hear what other parents are doing to help their children, and that she is looking forward to meeting me when we get there. WHAT? What a relief. I am in a little shock with all of this niceness going on. I will go with it though. I think it makes a difference that I understand the people there. I know how to talk to them. I know how to fit in if I need to – not to stop being me… It is a little hard to explain.

I do the same thing in South Florida. 

I just understand it better. I felt the same way in Sweden when visiting. It felt foreign, but much more familiar. Here and in the West (I lived out there twice, both times I ended up in a depressive state.) I felt like an isolated alien who was going to crumble from constant confusion.  Yes, I guess I am rambling indeed.

Drifting back into moving. 

The kids are getting excited now. I have been showing them the house and talking about the plans in detail. I have been working on a time line for them. They are nervous, but excited at the same time. I have been showing them pictures of family that live there, and places that we will go to help them get familiar. I hope that, the more I do this the smoother it will be. Oh, boy I just got really tired. I guess I will stop my ramble, and go ramble with the kids a bit.

I explained it to him and asked if that sounded like fun.

He said “Yes, but I am not going to work when I grow up.” This made me laugh so I asked “What are you going to do? You will need money to support yourself.” He said  ”I am staying home.” He then, went on to say that he wanted to be a scientist, that studies planets, but he will live at home. Ha ha ha Well he is seven so it is not that close for him to make these types of decisions. I asked Joshua this morning because last night Ariel went into a detailed description of what she wants to do when she grows up. She shared all of her details with David. (This topic comes up frequently around here because Ariel is very concerned with her future, and it gets all of us thinking about it.)

I will share hers in a moment, she has since added to job listings.

Joshua told me this morning that he was going to be a “scientist doctor.” “I want to study the moon. All because of that movie. (Despicable Me) I want to see the moon.” (giggle, giggle) Daniel repeated what Joshua said and added “Me too!” It was ironic last night that Ariel and David started discussing hypothermia which led into the conversation of Ariel sharing what she was going to do when she grows up. I had not heard the conversation and I am thankful that David wrote down what she said. The ironic part was that I was writing a poem about snowflakes and cold, along with reading quotes from the movie Alive.

Here is what she shared:

When I am older, I will create a box full of medicine.
When you take it, your body will be stronger.
So it will be easier to fix your hands, your fingers, your eyes if you are blind, and your toes.
Then, you will have them back again as if they were brand new.

Ariel shares with me frequently all of the things she plans to do.

She has a passion to save the environment, and animals and tells me ways that she will help save earth when she gets older. She has a ton of ideas that usually involve saving the planet, animals, and people. While I was talking to the boys about what they wanted to do, Ariel added that she wanted to be a marine biologist.

Here is our conversation.

Ariel: I want to be a marine biologist too.

Me: Do you know what a marine biologist is?

Ariel:  Yes, it’s a person who studies animals in the water.
I want to study them and other animals, and discover animals never found before!
When I am a teenager I am going to write because I am going to be a writer too.

These guys make me giggle so much. 

While I am sharing I will add some quotes from them in the last few weeks. They crack me up. Some of you may have seen these already, but I think they are worth rereading…I am their mom!

Daniel: Hey mom, are freezing hot dogs called cool dogs? (I laughed so hard I almost could not answer. I told him yes, believe me that was the best thing to say.)

Joshua: What? What? Why are you looking at me? You think I have boxers on or something?

(Ariel and I were sitting on the couch, she was reading X-Men Volume II, telling me how much she liked Beast and Night Crawler, stopping her conversational flow:

Ariel: I don’t know why, but I like creatures much more than humans.

Needing a dose of happy today and that worked.

I had another maintenance guy come today to fix the ice maker he was here yesterday, but could not fix it without permission. He had to replace it. The dishwasher guy finally came today – that was a huge fiasco that I do not feel like talking about, but yeah…they did not come last week. AND he cannot fix it until May 29th, which happens to be the day of Daniel’s reevaluation. Daniel and I will be gone so David will be here to handle it. I have still been washing the dishes by hand, and last night I ran out of dish washing liquid. I have dishes in the sink and it makes me want to cry. Sounds silly, I know. It is not really the dishes, there are several other things, but I would feel better if I had the dishes clean and put away.

The store does not sound like a place I want to go to tonight.

Oh, well I think I need another dose of happy after writing about that. This song was in my YouTube feed I thinks it’s fun. I am head bobbin’ “Like a Lady” Hee hee  Oh, and some sky/nature shots to share. Zappy!

My search for houses has been short and hassle free. 

Once I seriously started looking, after discovering we had to have a house before we move to my hometown that is states and states away, I found one immediately. This happens to me every time I go looking, whether I am in town or not. I will see a house and know that it is mine. I just feel it. I did this with the picture of the house I saw and felt like it was it. I am still somewhat leery though. I asked my aunt to go check it out and we will see how that plays out. She is planning to go today.

The neighborhood is near where she used to live so it looks promising. 

It is 10 minutes away from her, my grandma, most of the stores I will frequent, and close enough, but far enough away from the expressway to work well. It is in a cul-de-sac, which I would like very much. So I will wait and see what auntie thinks and feels about it. I contacted the real estate agent and it seems all can go very smoothly as long as we put down our deposit we can hold it with no problem.

Everything is being pushed forward sooner because we discovered our current lease is up at the end of June. 

We thought it was July so now everything is becoming a reality. It is freaking me out! I am excited! I am scared! I am happy! I am so elated at all of the resources available for the kids in that area! OMG! I am going to be more social! Yea! I am going to be more social! Yikes! Wait! Ok, nervous breakdown. I am back. It seems like it is going to be a positive thing. So far, all of my interactions with people have been positive.

AND wait for it…The grocery stores carry WAY more gluten-free products than here! 

AND they have the Udi’s gluten-free bagels that I love, plus restaurants with gluten-free items, Oh, boy! Oh, boy! That lifts a small load off my shoulders. I know, I may sound silly, but food is a huge source of stress around here. The possibility of not having to go to five different stores and stay on top of bulk ordering through Amazon sounds so nice.

I am also excited because I discovered huge home school groups there!

They have coops that I can get involved with as well. The YMCA offers home school lessons for swimming, and other activities as well. Oh, goodness. There are several autism support groups in the area and an Easter Seals that offers certain programs as well. I am almost in tears thinking about all of this stuff. The possibility of having these things open to us is such a wonderful feeling. I hate to admit it though I am still a bit apprehensive and will not succumb to any actual joy until I see it.

I have been burned too many times over the years. 

I am not being too cynical or too hopeful just a right amount of “We’ll see.” I do know that there is a lot more options available, and that in itself makes me have hope. I am planning to enroll the kids into virtual school this year to help us all stay on a better schedule. I will feel it out for a year, supplement where I think they may need and pick the brains of the teachers as much as possible while I have access to them!

I like the thought of having accountability and scheduled tasks. 

It helps me set goals and gives me a sense of achievement. I believe it will do the same for the kids. I like that the school; has virtual clubs, and offers specialized programs for child. They will even do IEP and schedule virtual therapies if needed. It is through the school system – I am still in the process of researching, but so far, I think it sounds pretty good. The school systems in my hometown are much better than here.

Although, they require nothing for home school requirements. 

I do not feel comfortable with that. I like someone coming in and checking on how my kids are learning, progressing, and sharing things that I need to work on to help them. I need that input. I know other people may not, but I do. We will need much more of a stable schedule and routine because David will be traveling much more and staying away for long stretches at a time. The kids will need as much stability as possible. It worked really well with him being gone this last time.

They adjusted much sooner.

We scheduled time in Google hangout to help them stay connected. They missed him, but they also felt much calmer with him being gone this time. I talked to them about him being gone more, and they were fine as long as they could see him and talk to him. It’s not the same for them of course, but at least they were able to adjust well. My mom has been supportive as much as she can be and I hate leaving her. I really do – it makes me so sad to leave her, my sisters, and my little nephew. I have to go though – this move has a purpose and goals.

Goals for me to gain my independence.

To work on gaining back some of my skills that I lost, gaining new skills, and self-confidence back. As well as reclaiming my past in a new positive light. I have been working on unthreading negative emotions linked to areas, places, and people – reminding myself of the positive ones. If I cannot think of any positive ones, I am overriding the negative associations with new positive ones. I am excited for the kids to get involved socially and taking them to the places that I loved as a kid. I cannot wait to share with them the adventures that my mom and I had when I was a child.

I think they will enjoy some of the things as much as I did (do). 

I realized that many of my negative associations are not even mine. They belong to my mom. She hates that town. She thinks that if she were to go back that she would be going backwards. She said that she would be stuck. I told her that was not true for me at all. She didn’t realize how her words had affected me and later said how those were her feelings for herself, not for me. After thinking about it more, I realized that all of my life my mom talked about what a horrible town it was.

She constantly spoke words of hatred toward it. 

It was very confusing because I had so many good memories. I grew up there. I also have many bad memories…I grew up there. That is what happens. There is a mixture of people who love or hate living there.  I understood for the first time that I am not attached either way. It is a place. It is not who I am. It does not dictate my attitude. It has no control over me. It is nothing, but a town and I can accomplish great things here or there or on the moon. I am free.

I am no longer going to listen to other people’s attitudes toward places. 

I have family who speak so negatively toward any place they live. I am not one to sit in a place and complain. If things aren’t working, I leave. I am not bound by anything, and once I have made my decision it always works out. I do not uproot in a whim. It may sound like it from what I just said, but I normally have been thinking about it for months or years. The only place that was an actual whim like adventure was when I moved with David to the West. I think we should have thought about that much more and planned better.

This place has not been working for a long time.

I have tried very hard to make it work. I love this house, the beach, the weather, and being close to my mom, but those things are not helping my children or me. So here we go off onto the next adventure. If it doesn’t work, well at least I know that every place I go and whatever decisions I make I always learn something and I am changed. These types of things make me a better person. I look forward to that – seeing what comes out of me next, and the anticipation of seeing how the kids grow and learn. I am so excited for them.

Onward and Upward! (I am wearing a cape!) 

I then, forgot all about it again until later that evening.

My aunt said something on facebook about her son calling her for Mother’s Day. I emailed her “Happy Mother’s Day” after I had a panic attack about moving and having irrational fears about being all alone forever! See irrational. It did not last long because I wrote out my guilt post and that helped me get back to “normal.” It stopped me from having irrational guilt as well.

Then, I forgot again.

I woke up this morning, forgetting until I went on facebook and saw pictures of mom’s with their kids and breakfast in bed or flowers, or big images saying Happy Mother’s Day. (Yes, I am trying to see how many times I can say that in this post.) So I got sad. Why was I sad? I didn’t know. I went to the store later in the afternoon – I was not ready to go in. I did not want to go in, but I knew I had to. I sat in the car listening to the radio station because I did not feel like looking for music.

I watched people scurry along in the parking lot.

Many of them seemed to be grabbing last minute mom gifts of cakes, and flowers. It bothered me very much and I still was not sure why. All day I felt like a bad person because I did not want to say Happy Mother’s Day, I did not want to participate, and I did not want to see all of the fluffy stuff. I then felt bad because I couldn’t understand why I was so cynical. What was my problem?

I wasn’t upset at the gifts and things that these people were getting.

I was happy for the mom’s who got breakfast in bed, and things made from their children. I want to be appreciated and recognized sometimes so what was the big deal? I think I found it – there are several. I am not sure these are all of the things, but this is what crossed my mind today. I am lumping all moms into this, I could break it down to mother-in-laws, and step-moms too, but I am not.

1. I have a problem with feeling forced by the group into celebrating when they say so.
2. I feel sad for the mom’s who receive last minute gifts and it seems like an afterthought on a “her” day.
3. I feel bad for the husbands and children who feel obligated to give or do something for their mom on that day.
4. I don’t understand why momhood is not appreciated every day.
5. I wonder about those husbands and children who have an awful wife or mother, but are forced to appreciate them on this day.
6. I wonder about the moms who are not appreciated on this day and have to hear and see all of the other moms get great gifts, or showered with love by their family.
7. I think about all of the moms who are looking up dating services right now. Why Moms Cheat on Their Man the Day After Mother’s Day
8. I ponder on all of the women who are thinking of doing this or have thought about the real reasons why they are seeking to have an affair. Unappreciated mothers resort to infidelity the day after Mother’s Day
9. Then, I wonder how on earth they have the time to do this. Where does that extra infidelity time come from? 
10. Leading back into my initial thoughts that finally answers why I seem like such a cynic. I do not do well with one-day appreciation frills, others do, and that is great!

I am happy for them I really am, but I would rather have a constant feel of appreciation.

I failed to remember that I should send cards or call my step-mom this year, I even forgot to send anything to my mother-in-law. I usually try to stay on top of these things, and have the kids make something or do something too. I can’t keep up this year. I have been processing so much of my own emotions, and finally understanding certain things about myself that all of my scripts are fuzzy and too easily forgotten. I am so out of order in some things, but gaining more order in others. I have spent so much energy in the past trying to remember all of the scripts to make others feel good that I have forgotten myself completely.

We all forgot that today was Mother’s Day here.

I am ok, actually I am glad we did it helped me to see some things that I needed to be free from. I also realized that I could not carry guilt or confusion because I do not feel the need to celebrate things the way others do. I will seek out my way to communicate appreciation to those I love in my way and prepare for the next time. It’s all I can do. I feel good about this realization. I understand that I would like to have a bit of appreciation – however, I want it to be sincere and thought about. I also do not expect it at the normal times, or in the normal ways.

I would be giddy if I received a cool gift I suppose, who wouldn’t'?

Give me a gift any day. I would be all smiles if someone said thank you for doing something I did/do that I absolutely hate, or causes me to have pain because of sensory issues. Thanking me because they know how difficult it is for me that would be a nice act of appreciation. I do not usually expect it though so it would be a good surprise, but probably awkward for me because these things can make me feel awkward.

I do not know how to be appreciated or receive it.

It would be nice to learn how to do that. Hmm… thinking about it more, a wonderful act of appreciation would be to acknowledge that I need regular uninterrupted downtime, and then allow me to have it. That goes for everyone in my life. Sigh…it would be nice. Or just give me a MacBook Pro that would work. Hee hee

Sorry if I sound like a downer I don’t mean to be.

I needed to process my reasons for why I felt so off today. I do know that the stresses from this past week, sensory overload, OH and I have not been sleeping well are all contributing to my stoic type of feel. However, I am rather jolly and do not feel like I am in an icky mood at all. I do get filled with smiles reading all of the poems, and blogs about mothers. I enjoy seeing people happy with their families. I think it’s fabulous. I accepted that I am not them at some point today, and accepted that it is ok to not want or do the same things.

So now that I remember at 10:15 pm, after forgetting for umpteenth time, Happy Mother’s Day!

Mother (Poem)

My “negative emotion guilt” stirs when I express myself for how people have made me feel. I will start to comb over every word I said, and how someone could possibly be hurt by what I said. Then, I will start to attack myself and feel horrible for possibly making another person feel bad with absolutely no regard for my own feelings.

AND that is why I am writing this post. 

The truth is the last post I wrote was a mixture of multiple people’s words through the years. The countless number of people who told me that I could get over my anxiety (I didn’t really know it was anxiety at the time, so that could have been an issue.) by being with other people. The words that were spoken to me about how I could not live without people and that I was going to end up being “The crazy cat lady.” That really was not a deterrent. I would be happy being the crazy cat lady thank you very much. They had to come up with other tactics. You cannot forsake the community. It is not healthy to be alone. You will not have any friends.

You cannot have only one friend that is not normal.

Pick your phrase I have had it said to me. I am not anti-social, nor have I ever been. I needed solitude and downtime, because I would push myself to be overly social it would cause me to go into shutdowns. I didn’t know that was what they were, but I would cut everyone off until I could recoup. I struggled with being social. I tried and kept it up for certain amounts of time. I could do a much better job when I was alone. I could be a lot more social when I lived in my apartment. It was my Bat cave that kept me safe and protected with my devoted cats. My home that had everything it is place, beautiful white walls, books aligned, nothing on the floor, clothes and shoes all perfectly in order, and cleaning supplies, toiletries, towels all wonderfully set in place.

I could go home to my movies all lined up in order, sit on the couch, and smile at them. 

I could curl up in my bed piled up with blankets, pillows, and hideaway in silence. I no longer have that luxury. I have no quiet time and that means that I have to be cautious with what social activities I do, and with whom I do them. Why should I feel guilty for that? I don’t know, but I do. Why do I feel guilty for saying that I do not want to adopt the fears and insecurities of others? Why do I feel guilty for having emotions? Why do I feel guilty when I do express them?

Why do I feel guilty when I don’t express them? 

The guilt is a root of never, ever, ever wanting to hurt another human being. It is such a devastating feeling for me to know that I hurt someone. However, I have hurt for so long and the many people that I have tried to explain this to do not understand. They assume to know how I feel, but they don’t. I have tried and tried to explain myself through the years, and still they do not understand. Yet, I am sitting here feeling guilty for the things I shared in my last post.

I wasn’t pointing anyone out. 

There was not one specific person it was directed toward – it was the “You(s). However, I sit here and think of every single person who is and was in my life that may read it one day and feel like I was attacking them. All I was doing was expressing the pain that I have felt. The feelings of being misunderstood and unheard. I am swarmed feelings of wanting to contact everyone and telling them that I did not mean to hurt them if I did. I want to dismiss my feelings and pretend as if they do not exist. I want to hide them and make them disappear just so no one could possibly be hurt by my words.

It is so unfair. 

Why can’t I be allowed to express my emotions, and feelings without this treacherous guilt? Why do I feel guilty if I am happy? Why do I try to down play when things are going good for me? Why does guilt have such a hold on me? Guilt is one of the reasons why I am such a terrible liar. I have it rise up in me once the thought of a lie even creates itself up in my head, before the words are even uttered. It starts in on me. Guilt starts attacking me. It blinds me, and causes me to say things out of bluntness. It then, eats at me after I realize I have hurt someone with my bluntness.

Guilt messes with my head. 

It teeters back and forth. It causes me to create outlandish scenarios, and loops to try to come up with plans for things that may or may not happen. Guilt: 1)the fact or state of having committed an offense, crime, violation, or wrong, especially against moral or penal law. Since I am able to see from multiple points of view, my mind will think of every single person I can possibly think of and create the emotion they may feel if they thought for one second that I was directing my emotion toward them.

Even if I did feel the emotion toward them, I feel awful for how it may make them feel.

I should be allowed to express my feelings. I should have the freedom to express myself without people negating my feelings, especially ME! I may be the one who does the most damage on me with this. Although, I learned it somewhere. I did not wake up one morning and decide that I should not be allowed to share my emotions or express what I feel. I know I learned it, I had learn to hide and stifle my emotions because if I did not I knew that I would hurt others or they would hurt me.

I am processing right now. 

This is a babbling mess of realizing I have guilt. I have guilt for things that I do not need to feel guilt for. I have learned to create guilt for myself to prepare for the possibility that someone, somewhere, may someday, get hurt and I do not want to get caught off guard when they do. Umph, there it is! Now I can deal with it properly. I am not sure how though, but I will. I want to be free from feeling as if I am constantly wrong. I definitely want this to ease in the area of emotions. I have been working hard at dealing with guilt in other areas of my life and it is going well. I do not suffer from guilt like I used to. I did not realize what a problem it was with my emotions – in a tangible sense. I knew it, I had not felt the reality of it until this last post. My brain is always on delay. It takes me time to catch up with my words sometimes.

I am getting quicker though!  

Dear You(s),

While appreciate your attempts to claim to love me and accept me as well as my children, I must make clear that you have not. Accept us at least, I will leave love up in the air to define for yourself. I do not say these words with harsh overtones, or out of anger. I am hurt, tired, and drained. I cannot understand why you would not accept autism as a reality. I cannot comprehend why, after all of these years, seeing me struggle – watching my failed attempts to discover myself,  you would not be overjoyed to hear that I finally discovered many answers to why my life has unfolded the way that it has.

It makes no sense to me why you would not be happy.

In my train of thought, I would think it a joyous thing to have answers as to why I have been full of anxieties and fears. Receiving explanations and confirmations for the reasons as to why I have had failed relationship after failed relationship. Why I cut you out of my life at times, or said words/did actions that seemed so hateful and rude to you. I would think you would be happy to know that I WAS NOT being mean when words flew out of my mouth that you found offensive. It seems to me that you would like to hear that when I seemed to ignore you when I walked into a room, I was not.

In my mind that would be a relief.

As a matter-of-fact, I have been able to forgive the many hurts and traumas you caused me with your words because I now understand. Even though I am having to wade through them, work them out, and deal with them all on my own. I cannot grasp why you would not want to hear about the reasons for my actions, and behaviors. If you truly cared, wouldn’t you want to know more about me? I have spent my whole life trying to know you. I have spent my entire life trying to understand and live in your world. Couldn’t you give mine a little consideration? What about my children? Wouldn’t you want them to succeed in life as well? Wouldn’t you want them to accept who they are fully so they can understand their weaknesses, and enhance their strengths? I desire for you to take a glimpse into our world.

I do not think that is much to ask.

I am not asking for you to engulf yourself in it, I am only asking for you to gain a little knowledge. I am asking for you to acknowledge it. I am asking for some understanding. However, you will not even let the word Autism cross your lips. You change the subject when I mention anything regarding it. You will not even entertain the knowledge I have to share about it. Half the time you will not even acknowledge my son. You say how wonderful that he is progressing, and give your praises to God for all of the prayers you and your group have sent up. You have not acknowledged all of the hard work he has to put in – all of the hard work I have put in.

Your prayers for healing are hurtful.

I am not even sure they are for my son’s sake, I think deep down inside they are truly for you. I think he makes you uncomfortable. I think you cannot handle autism. I think you are afraid of what autism makes you see, and think about. I think that because it is raw, real, and painful at times you do not want to acknowledge it. I think it makes you have to face your own fears about yourself. I think it is far easier to say, “I am praying for you.” than getting on the floor and spinning with my son. I think it is far easier for you to say, “You just need to get out there and force yourself to be social so you do not end up a hermit.” than to acknowledge that it is physically, emotionally, and mentally painful for me and my child(ren) to “Just get out there.”

Those are your fears not mine.

That is your lack of balance not mine. I know my limitations and I accept them. I will never be a hermit and I do not have to fear that. I am tired of your fears constantly attacking me and making me doubt myself. How dare you even utter these types of words to me when you have NEVER even read a book about autism? You refuse to believe it exists. You instead call my child “special.” Your damn straight he is special and so are my other two that you refuse to acknowledge who have their own traits. They are not “special” in the terms you mean though. They do not know what your definition of “special” means.

No, my kids do not know your fears.

They have not been brought up with manipulating words, or fear of speaking their minds. They will scoff at you if you dare say to them “Jesus will be sad if you do that.” And good for them! They are not afraid of God, they are not afraid to doubt Him, and question odd dynamics in the Bible. That makes me proud. They do not understand your confusing ways, but because of this, I am going to have to prepare them. I have failed them to deal with this confusing rejection. I have failed to share with them the awful truth that other people operate, especially you, out of their insecurities and fears. I had no idea this was happening – no, that is not true I knew all along. I was unable to accept it because your fears and insecurities caused me to doubt my “gut.” I haven’t been able to accept this as a reality until my recent metamorphosis into being able to accept my weaknesses, fears, and talents all in one mold.

I do not understand why you will not allow me to be good at something.

I do not understand why you have to tear down anything I accomplish with filtered compliments that destroy anything good that was in it. I do not understand why you have to constantly put me in my place, trying to keep me from succeeding. Discovering how my brain works and why I have had such an isolating, painful life at times, is a good thing. Why are you trying to take it away from me by not acknowledging it at all? Why do some of you insist that the Bible is the answer to my son’s brain, when there are countless studies, books, resources, blogs, videos, talk radio stations, facebook groups on and on that give legitimate answers and HELPS!! I am not even asking you to read my blog (again) because I have and you won’t.

They can HELP!

Why wouldn’t you have wanted my son or myself to receive the “label” that would HELP? I do not like labels, but the diagnosis can open the doors for other opportunities. Please explain to me how this is a bad thing. Please explain to me why you will not even utter the word autism. Please explain to me why you will not acknowledge or try to help me when I tell you I have an anxiety disorder. Please explain to me why you want me and my child to fail. Please explain to me why you will not even read ONE freaking book about it? Please? (I have sent you(s) plenty of resources to chose from…with no response.)

You are not accepting us by ignoring.

You are not accepting by pretending like it will go away. You are not accepting when you tell me, “God will not give you more than you can handle.” Really? I’ve had my conversations with God and you know what? He does not give me token answers. He makes me sweat, and wrestle, and dig deep to pull out those dark places so that I can accept myself and help my child(ren). He does not give me simple solutions, with regurgitating scriptures – He gets in the trenches with me and shows me where I need to pull strength from. I rejected your god before and I reject him now because he is not real and he is not accepting and he teaches me nothing, but confusion and self-hate. He left me in the pit and mocked me.

I do not fear him, and I will not submit to your false perception of him.

I am not able to play your god games anymore. I do not have the strength. I am not able to worry about your judgments any longer they are too many. I am sucked dry from trying. Yet, here I am once again trying to understand you. Asking you questions that I know will not be answered. I am seeking to have empathy so that I can reach into you and understand your world that is so painful for me. Here I am trying to seek your thoughts. You will not read anything about my child or me. You will not ask questions to try to understand.

You will not accept our world.

All you will do is pretend to accept, continue your prayers, and talk about us behind our backs. You rub in our failed attempts to try to live in your world. Your world that will never be satisfied and will never achieve the happiness you claim is just right there at your grasp. Your world where you never change. You are stagnant and stuck in your illusions of “the great things yet to come” all the while missing an incredible and amazing world right before your eyes. Though you do this, I will not fall into your spell.

I will not become you.

I will continue to try to understand my world and my children’s world because it makes me better. I will also continue to try to understand your world. I will continue to reach out, and beckon you to join me as I try to join you. I will not become bitter or angry when the attempts fail. I will grab hold of them, learn, change, and teach my children. I want them to learn to protect themselves, advocate for themselves, but also keep a loving, kind, and accepting heart.

My ending words to You(s) are short.

I hope that by accepting you(s) one day it will crack into your heart and trickle in some understanding so we can finally join each other in this world. Where my child(ren) and I are no longer aliens and you are no longer our threat. My heart pours out love for You(s), I long for us to understand each other, but it cannot be one-sided. We must work together with empathy on both sides.

In hopes of our futures,
Angel

The other evening we were going to bed and I said: “I love you, Boo.”

He giggled and said: “Yeah, I love you mom.” It had an air about it that made me wonder if he was only scripting. I asked him: “Boo, do you know what love is?” and here branches off into our conversation:

Daniel: Yes. I know love.

Me:  What does love mean?

Daniel: It feels like a squeeze.

Me: A good or bad squeeze?

Daniel: A good squeeze.

Me: You mean like a hug?

Daniel: Yes, love feels like a hug.

Me: That is a great way to think of love.

Daniel: Yeah, can we go to sleep now.

Me: Yes. I love you, Boo.

Daniel: (He grabbed my arm and squeezed it.) I love you too, mom.

The next morning I was telling David about the conversation.

I decided to ask Daniel again so David could hear. I also wanted to see if anything had changed because sometimes he will change his interpretations, or he will describe them differently. Such as “Love is getting a new Pokémon.” Here is that conversation.

Me: Hey, Boo can you tell Daddy what love means.

Daniel: Yes. It means a squeeze.

Me: What does the squeeze feel like?

Daniel: Inside my body.

Me: How does it make your head feel?

Daniel: Um, happy.

Me: So love makes you feel like a happy squeeze?

Daniel: I think it feels like hugs, kisses, and smiles.

Then, he took off to the other room.

This brought some happy tears to my eyes because it meant the world to me to know that he associated affection with love. I have been determined to make sure my kids get affection from me. I am not good at it with adults, but with kids I am pretty good. With my own kids it is a priority. My mom stopped giving me hugs on a regular basis when I was around five-years-old. I do not recall kisses, I had to have been much younger, I know that she did show me that affection, but once I was a certain age it stopped.

She also stopped saying things like “I love you.”

She assumed that I knew so there was no reason to reassure me. It is still very awkward between us with hugging, or saying affectionate things. We are ok with that, we both know that we love each other very much. I shared my feelings with her through writing as a child. I would make her cards, or letters – she still has some of them. As I got older I chose cards that specifically said what I felt. I would spend hours picking out a card, or making one for her. She hated them – she would say things like “I thought you were giving me a card, this is a book!” It turned into a joke and throughout the years I started getting the longest and mushiest cards I could find to torture her. (She did not hate my cards, but the words because they were too emotional and too much to process. There was no way I could have understood this as child.)

She would toss some of them and say: “I can’t read this!”

This is light-hearted I do not mean for my mom to sound horrible. However, it is true and the loss of affection at an early age was very confusing for me. I understand it now, and that has brought much healing. It still hurt, and I told myself that whenever I had kids I would make sure they got affection when and if they needed it.

My guys work well for me.

They do not require a lot of affection, and I relate to their ways of affection in many ways so we connect. It meant so much to have it confirmed through Daniel’s words. It makes it easier to express affection with them because I do connect to my children so much. If I do not have those connections with people affection can feel painful to me.

This moment opened my eyes to how much Daniel has become affectionate.

When he was little he didn’t want to be held, he never wanted to be comforted, and he hated hugs and kisses. We could hardly touch him. In the past few years hugs have been accepted, and now given as well. He is giving hugs on his own when he feels like it. He also gives kisses, not a lot, but that is fine! He gives them – when he feels like it. I had a moment of realization when the past memories flooded my mind last night as he gave me a kiss good night – he was smiling.

I don’t know when the transition from grunting and pushing away went to smiles, but it did.

I have never pressured him because I know how painful it is to be forced to give hugs, kisses, or tell someone you love them when you don’t want to. I am so happy for him because he has associated happy feelings to love and he feels safe enough to be affectionate with us. I am more overjoyed with the fact that he has found words to express the feeling of love for him, and he came up with it on his own.

Yes, big smiles from me.

Starting with last night.

David was running around, all chaotic, actually, since he discovered he was traveling to San Fransisco. I understand I would be that way too, but it makes us all on edge and it makes me want to shutdown into my own world. Last night, I was working on a story, I needed to get it out. I needed downtime, but there continued to be interruptions. Then, we HAD to get the Google+ hangout thing set up so he can talk to the kids while he is gone, right in the middle of me trying to edit. I was so close to finishing. I just needed to finish, but nope. The problem was timing.

My brain was trying to get calm, but it was an inconvenient time for my need for calmness.

Finally, I was able to finish. However, since my flow continued to get broken my brain never got what it needed to find peace. We were all feeling wired because we had to get up and take him to the airport. We had to leave home by 5:30am. Because I continued to get interrupted it took me much longer to finish and the kids stayed up later than usual. David hung out with them while I was trying to write, and they were all loud!

Oh, and I have had to the dishes by hand for the past week!

If there is one thing I detest it is doing the dishes. It sends my sensory issues into places unknown. I am not complaining, I am only stating the fact that it can be physically painful for me to do the dishes. Usually, David does the dishes when the dishwasher is not broken. I do have to wear headphones and check out because he hates the dishes too, and he takes his anger out on them which makes very loud excruciating pain into my ears. I have been doing them so he could focus on getting ready for his trip.

I think it is taking it’s toll on me.

Ok, so lingering anxiety the dishwasher is broken. We have been waiting for someone to come out and replace it. Hoping they would come last week, no such luck. Instead, they are coming tomorrow. I found out last night. Fine. I had prepared myself for the millions of questions that the kids will ask about the new dish washer, the guys who will come and install it, and continually telling Daniel: “Do not rub on the maintenance men!”

He likes to rub people, some people are not fond of that.

So after, this morning taking David to the airport, answering the quadrillion questions about the airport, California, my new iPhone, and again for the umpteenth time why daddy is going – I was shocked to hear the doorbell ring. When I looked out the window seeing the big white maintenance type truck I knew I had to open the door. Normally, I would not.

I opened the door and the guy was so rude!

He walked into the house without my invite spitting out the words: “I need to measure the blinds, and I am going to replace them.” I moved out of the way so I wouldn’t be trampled and said: “I didn’t know you were coming.” He said quite abruptly: “I called the number and left a message.” while turning his back on me. We gave them my new number, he did not call. He must have called our land line, which the only phone is upstairs so I didn’t hear it. The kids started to swarm him and study him, then they came after me with questions.

He measured and said: “I’ll be back in a little bit to replace them.”

Already I was thrown, and Daniel kept asking the “Why” questions. He has also started a new stim that consists of making loud repetitive noises with his mouth that can either be him blowing his lips, or sounding like a screeching elephant, stepping on porcupines. Ow! Ow! Ow! He gets louder when others are making noises that are bothering him.

I was so upset because our day had been going pretty well.

We were all happy and calm when we got home. There was a nice settling going on and then, this man came and ruined it! In the midst of this few hour fiasco David starts messaging me to let me know he arrived at his first stop. Ariel has taken to texting so she is on top of each new message that comes through. I am rather happy because it is nice to have a little scribe while I am busy doing other things. At one point, I ended up with two kids on the potty, and the guy banging on the door. Joshua had to open the door because I was cleaning Ariel and then, had to run to the other potty to clean Daniel. (I told Joshua to check to see if it was the guy before opening the door.)

My iPhone was buzzing and I was starting to dislike my new iPhone friend.

The guy put up the blinds and noticed that the front door wouldn’t close. The last maintenance guys tried to fix it, but it didn’t work. He didn’t even look at me and asked: “Is this broken?” in an annoyed voice. Not that I wanted him to look at me, but I don’t know… I do not know how to explain it – his attitude was rough, and rude. His words may not have been bad, but I felt like he was attacking me the whole time. He was just a jerk!

He tried to fix it and he couldn’t.

He got frustrated, went out to his truck, and came back with a heavy duty power drill. He then, proceeded to use it stripping the screws and making a high-pitched screeching sound. I almost started crying it ripped through my body, I ran to Daniel to cover his ears, and told Ariel to get his head phones. The man heard me, saw Daniel AND Daniel’s face that had turned pale and that his eyes were in shock!

I lost my words.

I couldn’t tell him to stop, I just wanted him to hurry up and get out. Daniel was fine after he got his headphones on, until later. Joshua kept getting close to the guy and getting into his space, Ariel was lingering too and I didn’t want them near him. I couldn’t handle his vibe, and I didn’t want the kids around it. I made them go into the living room, and I started doing the dishes.

He said something about them being alright.

I didn’t care, I couldn’t stay in there to keep an eye on them. I couldn’t take the sounds – I was feeling myself welling up. If he wasn’t finished soon I was going to freak out on him. He finished within a few minutes of my almost meltdown on him. As he was walking out I said: “Thank you.” (Because it is a script.) He replied back: “Yeah.” When I went to lock the door I realized that he put the door knob on upside down!! My door handle is all messed up!! AND my door is covered in black grease finger prints.

Daniel went into a meltdown shortly after.

That one only lasted about 15 minutes, the last one was about an hour. He has been ok since, but not me! Joshua has lost it too, but only once. It is so infuriating. The management people know that we have an autistic child! We have told them what they need to do if they plan on fixing anything or coming into our home! I know that they must not have “explained” this to the maintenance man. I would have spoken up had I not been taken by surprise by him showing up and being so rude.

I was so angry that I called him a jerk several times.

I do not normally do that, especially in front of the kids. I think it has been just a bit much for me though. I had planned that today would be a good day for us to gain some peace and calmness. I had hoped this week would be calm, but no! The fridge guy is coming at some point too and they will not tell me when! We told them about the fridge like 6 months ago, and they have to pick this week? Urrg!

Deep breath…

Did I mention the cat is running around the house howling and getting obsessive about the birds and lizards outside? Oh, and said cat is the reason for the need for new blinds because he tries to catch lizards threw the window that is shut. Um, yeah… It’s a good thing I adore him so. I feel better, the tears have left me. I am finding my calm. I will leave with some important life lessons my children taught me today.

Here is part of the conversion the kids and I had during lunch.

Me: Oh! I am still so angry!

Ariel: At who that guy still?

Daniel: (filled with giggles and a soft sweet voice) He’s a jerk, why is he a jerk? What is a jerk?

Me: Yes, Ariel. Daniel don’t call him a jerk, I shouldn’t have said that. He just wasn’t very nice and upset me.

Joshua: Ha ha ha He’s a jerk.

Me: (laughing I couldn’t help it) Joshua don’t say that.

Ariel: It’s in the past.

Me: I know it’s in the past, but he ruined my whole day.

Ariel: Jesus rule.

Joshua: Yes! The Jesus rule.

Me: What is the Jesus rule? Forgive and forget?

Ariel: Look it’s in the past, let it go. Jesus rule, in-the-past. You don’t have to worry about it.

Me: (eye roll, with a growl) It’s hard for me to do that.

Daniel: Why is he a jerk? Why can’t I say jerk? (laughing because he is saying it on purpose)

Joshua: See it’s over now, he is gone, so it is in the past.

Me: Yes, I understand, but I am still having a hard time not being upset.

Joshua: Well come here and I will bang it out of your head. (Laughing, literally wanting to remove the thoughts from my head.)

Me: No, we don’t bang things out of peoples head. You guys are right, the Jesus rule. However, I am not sure I can do it.

Ariel: (Shoulder shrug) Well, Jesus rule, it’s in the past.

She also informed me that I should just go read to calm down. Ha ha ha! 

Fellow Bloggers: Your mission, if you so choose, is to (1) Read this list; (2) Figure out what number below is fiction; (3) Write in the comment area the number you think is fiction;  (4) Copy and paste this introduction onto your blog; (5) Compose your own Fact of Fiction list on your blog; (6) Return here and in the comment section put a link to your list.

Fellow Non-Bloggers: Your mission, if you so choose, is to (1) Read this list; (2) Figure out what number below is fiction; (3) Write in the comment area the number you think is fiction;  (4) Compose your own Fact of Fiction list of three or more things in the comment section below.

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As my friend Lisa said: “Only the very brave or totally loopy do these sort of things you know.”

Take your pick, here I go….

1) One of my ancestors is said to be Pocahontas.

2) I broke up with a guy after his senior prom because I freaked out about the party he took me to, which consisted of lemonade and the movie Space Balls. There may be more or less to this story you have to guess.

3) My friend and I sat in a bar watching Darius Rucker from Hootie & the Blowfish pick out girls to take to the private party upstairs they were having. We were not picked – what a shame. (sarcasm intended)

4) I do not trust clowns even with their make-up off.

5) When I was 16 years old I was in a beauty pageant, didn’t win – didn’t care. It was awful, but the best part was being in the local parade sitting in the best convertible, and having the most famous female news announcer in our town walking next to me. She talked to me the whole time – little did she know I considered her a bit of a hero since she was the only female on that TV station at the time. She established hero-hood even more when she did not get frustrated with all of my questions.

6) I love eating fish. I mean utterly enjoy every aspect of eating them. The smell, the feel, the taste oh, the pure joy of a grand fishy dinner. Yum, yum!

7) When I frequented the night clubs, I ended up in a dancing contest on stage for some concert tickets or something. It ended with me and one other girl, she started taking her clothes off! The radio personality started beckoning me to the do the same and got the crowd going. I shook my head, and continued dancing he continued to try to coax me and made me angry. I looked over and the other girl was down to her bra and panties. I started to walk off stage, and the radio guy called me something like a wuss or something. I yelled back what I thought he was and got off the stage fully clothed! I was “Booed” and I didn’t give a flying fahrvergnügen.

8 ) Some of my favorite words have double letters. Especially, “oo’s and  “ll’s.”

8 is a good number to end with. Eight – 8- ate- acht – huit – οκτώ – åtta- octo….

Let me interject here with a blurb from this Executive Function. (Encyclopedia of Mental Disorders)

“Executive functions are important for successful adaptation and performance in real-life situations. They allow people to initiate and complete tasks and to persevere in the face of challenges. Because the environment can be unpredictable, executive functions are vital to human ability to recognize the significance of unexpected situations and to make alternative plans quickly when unusual events arise and interfere with normal routines.  In this way, executive function contributes to success in work and school and allows people to manage the stresses of daily life.”

This can already be a challenging task in the daily life of a person with Aspergers. Pretty much when in a meltdown/shutdown or leading up to one or the other, any skills we have learned to develop our executive functions may be completely void.

“Executive functions also influence memory abilities by allowing people to employ strategies that can help them remember information.”

Many times my memories have been only negative scripts.

I am unable to pull up anything in a strategic manner the way they speak of. I am sure I can learn some strategies, but I need to understand the problem before I can know how to move forward. All of my mind’s energy has been going toward protecting myself. The triggers, unexpected change, words, sensory input, and trying to place and understand emotions run through my head like the Matrix Code searching for the pattern to ensure that I do not get attacked.

Fight or flight has always been my strategy.

In my case, my responses can be described as fight is a meltdown, and flight is a shutdown. Either way I am in protection mode from a situation that has made me feel unsafe. Both can be beneficial, but not be the best way to discover things. Meltdowns for me have brought things to the surface of my conscious that I was unaware of, shutdowns allow me to process while escaping the world. (Short description)

Ok, back to my regular scheduled train of thought.

I had mentioned that I cannot not handle “fluff talk” or “hidden meaning” talk, this is an absolute while in a meltdown/shutdown. Let me say as well cracking jokes, or using innuendos leading up to or during a meltdown/shutdown I find utterly cruel. Especially, if you are aware that the person does not get them. I still feel something is off even if I don’t get it. I can handle straightforwardness. People have a hard time accepting this for some reason.

However, it is true.

It does not matter how painful, or upsetting it is once I know, all of the unexplained feelings go in their proper place. The chaos has settled and now I can think logically, my processing time can be contingent upon how long the person waited to finally tell me. Trying to understand what is going on feels like a swarm of bees around and inside my head. It is filled with buzzing, weaving thoughts in and out, and it feels attacking. This can trigger anger in me because it doesn’t make sense why the person wouldn’t have said it in the first place.

A contributor that can enhance my meltdown/shutdown is trying to figure out what is going on.

Not understanding my environment, or people’s actions/words taps into intense anxiety. It feels like the Tasmanian Devil came rushing into my world and destroyed everything for no apparent reason. I just need to know, and then I need to be allowed to process it. The emotional baggage that can surround people’s words are too hard for me to filter through. They can say many different things when they are upset, but not get to the “actual” reason until hours later. This is for very different reasons compared to why an Aspie may not be able to articulate the reasons for their meltdown/shutdown.

It is exhausting and senseless to me.

I think it comes from the different ways of communication. I communicate and process emotions, ideas, thoughts, etc… through writing, analyzing, researching, reading, connecting thoughts and patterns. It takes me time to get to a finalized understanding of certain things. (This post has taken me three weeks to process through and there is much more my brain is dissecting.) Some of David’s forms of communication require talking, sharing ideas, brain storming, and having a ton of round table discussions. Those can be pure hell for me unless it is about one of my special interests. When it comes to emotions, yeah that is hell! Even the suggestion of it can send me into a tailspin of anxiety. When discussing emotional matters I seem to do much better in written form. I am able to read and process at my own pace. I have the ability to filter through unnecessary words much better as well. As a matter-of-fact, I can get jokes quicker and people’s meanings sooner in written form.

It can take days for me to recover from excessive commentary.

It can cause me to loop and try to seek understanding for things that I later discover meant nothing. If I am pressured to speak when I am upset, all kinds of things come out of me. I will not even remember what I said. I know that I do not mean half of it and the other half could be scripts that I picked up from shows, watching people in my childhood, and the people around me. I will manifest scripts just trying to make everything get calm and be over with. “If I say the right thing everything will stop!” Later, if it is brought up again I have no explanation for what I said, or why I said it. It can make me feel bad because then, I feel like a liar, but I didn’t even mean to lie. All of this can keep a foreboding feeling of a meltdown/shutdown, which causes inward tension because I do not want to go into a meltdown/shutdown again.

I just want quiet.

What I mean by quiet is the ability to calm my brain. I need my brain to stop sounding like a myriad of voices, sounds, crashes, bangs; it is like a tornado going on inside my head. I am struggling to find enough silence so I can think. It gets worse when people continue to harp on an issue, or try to get me to talk. I have noticed that many times when I have asked people to stop talking it seemed to be a trigger for them to start pounding me with words.

This has happened my entire life.

I remember feeling like screaming when people would not stop talking. They would ask me things like what is wrong, why are you acting that way, and why won’t you say anything? All I could do was act up or shutdown. If I acted out, I got my butt beat and I learned to hold them in, or wait until I was alone. There were times when I flung myself on the floor beating my head, hands, and feet screaming because I didn’t know how to tell the adults what was wrong. I had no way to express what was going on inside of my brain.

It is such a helpless feeling.

There have been moments when words caused me to hit my head with my hand over and over because it didn’t make sense. When I would try to explain myself, it only caused frustration. This did happen the other night and I gripped my fists, and started shaking then, the tears that I tried to hold back could no longer stay contained.

I was frustrated, confused, and scared.

My fears escalated because I had not had such an outburst in years. My mind was racing trying to figure out why I would go back to these behaviors when I have done so well all these years. In my mind I had gotten rid of these things because I had not been doing them. In reality I had learned to block them and lash them out in other ways. Instead of physical self-harm, I realized that I began to verbally abuse myself when I felt confused, unheard, frustrated, or misunderstood. I learned to turn everything inward.

It was the only way I knew how to cope.

The needs for each Asperger person during, and after a meltdown/shutdown are going to be different. They may change depending on what triggered the whole thing. In every situation we ALL need to feel safe, supported, accepted, and reassured that things are going to be alright. (I am not saying that it is ok for violence, or any type of abuse. If that is happening there are deeper issues at play and the person needs outside help.) When all feels as though it has settled, remember it may not be. It can take me days to recover physically, mentally, and emotionally after a meltdown/shutdown. Then, other times I am perfectly fine after it is over. There are no simple answers for meltdowns/shutdowns, but there are many resources and ways to help.

This has been a painful and scary post to write.

However, I felt like I should. I think it is important to address self-harming behaviors. Maybe there are some of you who start to attack yourself inward with words, thoughts, or even physically. You can help yourself. You need to find your way to express what is happening on the inside. You need to seek ways to help you to communicate to those who may be hurting you – they may not even realize that they are. Research and seek information to help you understand why you gravitate toward self-harming behaviors. Talk about it with someone, seek counseling if you need to, but do not keep it a secret and do not continue to attack yourself with guilt or shame. I also think that it is important to acknowledge that meltdowns/shutdowns happen and you are not a bad person for it.

There are so many contributing factors that play into the causes.

It has nothing to do with your self-worth, or you as a person. Those who care about you will be willing to listen, and help. The more you understand about your way of thinking, your sensory issues, and your triggers the better it is to handle meltdowns in a much more constructive way. My eruption actually helped me to see all of the things I had been suppressing. My meltdowns/shutdowns have been a tormenting secret to me and I recently realized that I was going to continue to torment myself if I didn’t expose them, learn to understand them, and accept them. So I share my secrets. Now I can move forward and help myself in a much more beneficial way. Hopefully this has brought some clarity and insight for others, if not I have given plenty of resource links to help!

A few more resources to share.

A great TED video to watch.

Frank Warren: Half a million secrets

I cannot give enough props to the Autism Discussion Page. It is one of the best resources I have come across and has helped in so many ways for myself and my kids. Again, while these first four are geared mostly toward children they can be applied to adults as well. As with all of the resources I share I leave it up to the reader to make their personal judgements with what they read. I am simply sharing what I have read. To each his (her) own!

Shutdowns and Meltdowns

Don’t punish meltdowns!

Calming Meltdowns

Emotional world on the spectrum!

Aspergers and Self-Injury

INTRODUCTION TO SELF-INJURIOUS BEHAVIOR

UNDERSTANDING AND TREATING SELF-INJURIOUS BEHAVIOR

This popped out at me right away when reading the last article.

Social Causes

Communication

“Communication problems have often been associated with self-injurious behavior. If a person has poor receptive and/or has poor expressive language skills, then this may lead to frustration and escalate into self-injury.”