Last week the door bell rang, we do not answer our door unless we are expecting someone.

Yes, people think we are strange. Our car is parked in the drive way and I am positive they can hear the kids and me sometimes but I don’t care. I do not buy anything from someone at my front door (or my back door) and I get really upset when they will not stop knocking and ringing the door bell just to sell me meat from the back of their truck, that I find quite frightening in itself, but I will not go there. Anyway sorry for the detour, the door bell rings, I say don’t answer the door, the kids are running for the door, Ariel yells very loud “DO NOT OPEN THE DOOR!”. I say “SHH” as I run to the door to stop Daniel and Joshua from opening the door, I look out the window it is no one we want to talk to and I say “No, guys don’t open the door”. We all walk away and Daniel looks at me, points to the door and says “They are not friends, Mommy?”  He got it! I said “That is right Daniel, they are not friends.” That was the first time he had communicated that he understood the difference between strangers and friends.

I believe he understood to a point but I think that day he understood it fully.

Today the kids stayed with my mom for a little while so I could have a short break, I haven’t had one in about three months so I needed about an hour of alone time. I usually get a break once a week for a couple hours but that hasn’t worked out for several months, for various reasons. I came to get them and as we were all in the other room talking, Daniel came walking in and had one sock on. He has never been able to put his socks on! Today was the first day he did and he did it without me asking. He was telling us that he was ready to go and he was preparing to leave independently. I asked him to get his other sock on and he did and then he put his shoes on with a little assistance. Then when we got home he took off his shoes when I asked him to. He hasn’t done that either. Awesome!

I was pretty excited about those things, the great thing is how unexpected they are.

I haven’t pushed him, I have just waited on him. I tell him these things, I show him how to do things and then I get to a point thinking “well its going to take more work, or even may not happen”, then surprise, surprise! He does it out of the blue. Which brings me to this evening, I was trying to get him to try some pureed pears, he didn’t want to. I asked him again and I told him it was white, (he likes white food) and he said “No, it’s not white, it’s yellow”. I looked at it and he was right. I started laughing. Joshua and Ariel wanted to try it so I let them, then I said “Daniel, how about you try it? Ariel and Joshua tried it and they are your sister and brother so you should try it like them. Come on you have to since they did.” He started laughing and said “No, tease me, Mommy.” I looked at David and asked him if Daniel really said that. So I asked Daniel what he said and he said it again. “No, tease me, Mommy. I want white yogurt.”

Hmm…Some pretty great things happened. What seems so small to others is huge for us.

Parking: I have made it safely to the store and now I must decide where to park. Since I already have the lay out of the parking lot in my head I already know where I would like to park, the question is, “is the space available?”. I pull into the parking lot and “yea!” the space is open right next to the cart return and now I can rest assured that I will not have to walk far to put my cart away. I am glad when this happens for me because otherwise I get obsessed with gathering all of the carts in the parking that other people have not put in the cart return. I find that rude and feel the need to get them in their proper place. Sometimes, if they are busy I will even bring in rounds of carts because the cart people are unable to get to them. I know, I know David has to stop me sometimes, I even clean up stores, I pick up items and put them where they belong and I straighten them. I can’t help myself.

Preparing to go into the store: Walking up I recheck my purse or pockets to see if I indeed have my card, which I know I have because I checked three times before I left the house and I checked in the car before I got out. I get my cart, wipe it down with hand sanitizer and off I go. I have my list made out according to the store layout so I will be sure not to miss anything and I follow a flow that is proficient. The doors open I walk in and swoosh! I am hit with the smells of every product in the entire store all at once, but the one that is consuming my brain is the deli. Too much! I thought I prepared myself but no I have not so I need to get focused on my list so the smells will begin to fade. At the same time as I walk in the doors the lights hammer me with flickering jolts that make me kind of dizzy. I already hear the beeping of the registers, people talking, the meat slicer going, and the cold air rushing my body.

But I can do this, focus on my list.

If I have a task I do much better with my sensory issues. Now, I have a couple seconds and quickly move to the bread isle out-of-the-way. It is always quiet and no one is ever there so I go to gather myself and then on to the produce. Ah, there is the music. Thankfully they always play songs that I know and are not annoying to me so I use them to stim. As I go around the entire store I am singing and dancing and having a jolly time. I notice the people looking at me, I don’t care, still singing “where are the beans that are on sale?” I stand my eyes are scanning the shelves, they should be here I know these shelves. People just passed in front of me and I lost focus. I am scanning again, now I notice I have been scanning with my hands and they are moving oddly. “Oh, that’s why that lady gave me a strange look”. Then ah-ha I found them, they were pushed back, hiding from me. All around the store I gather our food to nourish our family. BAM! Seafood smell, almost made me gag. I had to hold my breath and get away from there, I smell the meat is making me sick, I have to hurry up and get out of the meat department.

So I am making my rounds.

ARRGG,  now to the worst part of them all, the one I save for the very end, the cold and frozen items. I am already freezing, the store is always so cold, I have on long sleeves and a jacket and I am still so cold I hurt. I grab the items as quickly as possible but it is too late, my hands are so cold I can barely move them. The sound of the frozen boxes moving past each other is hurting the inside of my body and brain. The cold plastic yogurt container is giving me the chills. I hear the frozen veggies moving in the bag and it so loud. I need to focus, I am almost out of here.

The Register: Social interaction, gulp. Cashier: Hi, how are you? Me: (She doesn’t really want to know how you are, just say hi) “Hi, I am good”. There is no one there to bag, I bag for her otherwise it is going to get out of control, I want the items in certain bags anyway because it will help when we unload them at home. This is a good thing. Then an employee comes and takes over “darn”. Oh, well it is fine we are almost done. Now comes the anxiety about how much I spent. Today I did very well. I leave happy and anxiety free.

Drive Home: Since all went well at the store I was able to drive home pretty free of ODA, “”Other Driver Anxiety”. I get home and open the door (no matter how many times I try to prepare myself I am always hit with surprise) “MOM! MOM! MOMMY’S HOME!” The three children attack, there are toys and chaos. Things running a muck! But it is ok, however, I need quiet because I need to put the items away.

Put the items away: They all have a particular place where they need to go, David tries to help but most times it does not work. He does not remember those kinds of things. So I put them all away, while the children try to help and are asking for everything in the bags. Finally, it is all done the food put away, bags put away, kids have some food, David is back to work and I am sitting on the couch needing to stim for the rest of the day. It was an hour and half and I need at least five hours to stim.

Interesting.

Though this was a description of today’s shopping experience, this is normally what happens every time during a good shopping experience. That is when I do not get surprised by someone I know, they have all of the food on my list, I don’t have to wait in line, the music was music that doesn’t bother me, I was by myself when I went, I ate something before I went so my blood sugar didn’t drop, and numerous other things that plays into me being able to go to the grocery store or any other store and having a pretty good experience.

I cannot just up and go to the store without consequences.

If I up and go to the store unexpectedly then when I get back I usually need the whole day to recuperate. I don’t think it is a bad thing there is just too much surrounding us in the store environment, I think a lot of people get effected by going to the store but don’t realize it. I did this to observe my behavior as I went out, I am hoping it can help me in the future and possibly others think about their experiences as they go out to stores or other places. Maybe, if people read this they will be more considerate of others like myself, while they are shopping.

Who knows it is worth a try.

The shopping experience is a full five senses experience and for people who do not have sensory issues this is most likely not a problem, though I do think it plays a factor in people and their stress levels. Now imagine all of your senses, being hit with the effects of sound, sight, taste, smell, and touch when you are a child these are developing. In a child who doesn’t have sensory issues it is a lot and it is no wonder there are so many children who have melt downs in the middle of stores. We as parents don’t seem to consider any of this as we take our children into places and expect them to not be effected in any way. And let us imagine being a child with sensory processing disorder, a Wal-Mart store is pure hell, it is for me as an adult.

I try not to go.

I didn’t even go into people getting into my space, acting rude, or the many other things that play into going shopping. Those are for another day, maybe. The good thing about all of this is that I now understand why I get so exhausted going to a store, I have an awareness when my children are starting to show signs of overload and I am able to do something about it, and I have also become more compassionate toward the children who seem to be throwing fits in the store, though the fit itself is too much for me I am sympathetic to the child and the parents. When I see a parent embarrassed and trying to run out I try to give them an encouraging smile because every one else is giving them dirty looks.

I know that feeling too well and I wish someone would give me a smile instead of the “If that was my kid, I would beat them” look.

How do I know this?

Because I have crossed it on many occasions and so have my children and so has my husband. We are quite the quirky family and we live oddly to the rest of our limited world associations, now, because of the very fact that people find us so odd. Not really, we are just a bit strange about being around people.  I for one think that it is just fine for a child to ask whatever is on their mind, being that I do that most of the time and so does David, people do not seem to like this and I cannot remember that for some reason. David and I laugh a lot and my laugh is quite loud, I forget that too. The kids laugh pretty loud too, sometimes Daniel repeats other peoples words out in public with their voice and we all think that is quite humorous. Our boys have pretty wild hair, since they refuse to let me cut it.  We have had people not be quite pleasant to us for these things, just to name a few.

I have heard people claiming that it is good to be unique and different.

Some of them have been the first ones to point out any oddity. See what I am thinking is that as a society it is fine to not be normal as long as it looks like them. If they are obsessed with sports, then by all means any one like that is normal. If you have a fixation with being with friends and setting up many social events, then you are normal. If you watch an unmeasurable amount of TV, then you are normal. But if you like to spend time reading the back of a shampoo bottle, then you are not normal. If you enjoy staring at a spinning object while listening to music, for hours, then you are not normal. If you have an amazing amount of information packed into your brain about serial killers, then you are weird, I know that does sound strange but just go with me.

If you are consumed with watching a cat for hours, then you are quite strange.

Although, you may not be labeled autistic, people will say that you are weird. They will laugh it off and say “he/she is so quirky”. If you eat the same food everyday, at the same time, and if that gets moved back or forward at any point your entire day will not work out right or you spend the entire day trying to get it to work right, then you are not normal. If your clothes have to fit you a certain way and if they don’t you are willing to go through your entire closet to find an outfit that will fit comfortably and you are willing to not match, (and go out in public) then you are strange.

See there are some things that are not acceptable.

Even if you are the most loving, accepting person in the world there is something that you will consider not normal because you are comparing it to yourself, or the hidden law of normalcy, that no one quite has made clear but when you cross it then it is exposed. So somewhere at some time there will be a moment when we will all find some sort of behavior, an outfit, a phrase, something, not normal. How do we handle all of this? People respond in different ways and I have to say that there are some things that absolutely drive me crazy and I do not think that they are normal. And yet I ask to be accepted fully. Can we as humans let go of our own “norm” and accept the “norm” of others? I don’t know but I am willing to try.

Definition of Normal is below, I believe I fall under definition number 8.

1 : perpendicular; especially : perpendicular to a tangent at a point of tangency
2 a : according with, constituting, or not deviating from a norm, rule, or principle b : conforming to a type, standard, or regular pattern
3 : occurring naturally <normal immunity>
4 a : of, relating to, or characterized by average intelligence or development b : free from mental disorder : sane
5 a of a solution : having a concentration of one gram equivalent of solute per liter b : containing neither basic hydroxyl nor acid hydrogen <normal silver phosphate> c : not associated <normal molecules> d : having a straight-chain structure <normal butyl alcohol>
6 of a subgroup : having the property that every coset produced by operating on the left by a given element is equal to the coset produced by operating on the right by the same element
7 : relating to, involving, or being a normal curve or normal distribution <normal approximation to the binomial distribution>
8 of a matrix : having the property of commutativity under multiplication by the transpose of the matrix each of whose elements is a conjugate complex number with respect to the corresponding element of the given matrix

My silence kept me fearful.

I was not looking for information to help my son I was looking for information to heal my son. I was praying it away. I was begging God to help me and him. I did not want to be rejected any longer from a world that had rejected me so many times throughout my life. I was in denial because of my own hurts and insecurity.

I was being very selfish.

The community I was in didn’t talk about it, if I brought anything up I felt pressure to ensure them that he was healed. I wanted acceptance. I felt that my son was being rejected and I just couldn’t have him feel the same hurt and confusion I had felt. I followed the path of “believing” him healed and even convinced myself that it would all go away. At one point I loudly proclaimed to everyone that “he has been healed of autism!”

I was foolish, ignorant and very scared.

Knowledge is power. And after I had sent that email out about my son being healed something broke. I was a reflection of pride coming before the fall. Something inside realized that I was wrong. I was wrong in my thinking, I was wrong in my motives, I was wrong in my associations, I was in a place that would not bring about any kind of progress for my son. I had all emotions crash down on me and I finally faced what I was so desperately trying to run from.

I was the same as my son.

I opened my eyes and began to read books about autism. I began to engulf myself in the knowledge and ways to help him have a better quality of life. I no longer denied it, I embraced it and miraculously I saw results. I no longer tried to force him to be like other children I let him be himself. I saw in him the longing, the desire to just be understood. I finally saw my son through clear eyes that were accepting.

Autism is not a scary word, it is a misunderstood word.

The autistic spectrum is so vast that there is no way to make a clear-cut definition of what it is.  The symptoms and other issues can be identified but when it comes to the face of autism you cannot have just one. There are certain things that can be readily identified which can be read here. http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/autism/DS00348/DSECTION=symptoms

Though it is not exhaustive and there are so many factors that play into autism.

So many other issues that hinder the best quality of life such as having problems with sensory processing, knowing how to handle social situations, and even food intolerance’s can influence the life of a person with autism. It is not as simplistic as “this is autism” or having one person be the face of autism. We are all different, unique, we have different gifts, different ways of communicating, and we see the world in a different way. Our words mean something and we take them very seriously.

Every person is a unique individual and should be accepted.

I have taken on the cause of autism because it has brought a lot of restoration to me, it has not been a horrible label it has been something that has set me free and gave me the ability to understand myself, my son and this world a bit better. Though I do not really understand this world I can now operate in it without the tremendous amount of anxiety and fear I used to have, though I still have anxiety. I have another motive and that is I almost failed my son. Because of my lack of understanding, fear of rejection, inability to face something I didn’t understand, when I realized that, I could not live another day failing my son.

There are things that are not the most pleasant when it comes to behavior with a child with autism.

It is very challenging at times and we have to stay on strict schedules, diets and social limitations but that is the season we are in. Though some of these have gotten better, we understand our limits and as we all grow older we will learn more. Daniel has improved in his quality of life in many areas that would not be possible without the Occupational Therapists and Speech Therapists answering all of my questions and giving me the tools I needed to help him at home. It wouldn’t be possible if it wasn’t for the many books I read to help set up our home to be a constant place of learning for all of us.

Daniel may not be progressing had I not researched.

I decided to once again try changing his diet and seeing if it would possibly make a difference; it did for him and for myself. It has taken a lot of my time to research, read, ask questions, implement and get over my fear that I can’t do it. I can do it and so can any mother or father. Autism is not something to fear it is something to try to understand, find out who your child is and who you are. It is a word that has power and can bring a lot of clarity and bring new eyes to those who have become dull.

Not everyone feels the way I do and I understand that.

I cannot possibly understand their world and what they are experiencing but I do know once I stopped looking at autism as an enemy, my whole life changed for the better. I found out who I was, I learned how to broaden my view of love and acceptance and what they both really mean, I learned about all of the gifted people out there who have autism and how they use their gifts, I learned that I am simple-minded sometimes and really need to keep an open mind, and I learned that my gift of researching can actually help me instead of just being an obsession.

There are so many other things that just cannot be described or written.

I wrote this to help bring a little clarity about autism, it is not one-dimensional, and there are many things about it that no one understands and many things that we now understand. It’s not scary, it is misunderstood. As a mother with a child with autism and also being on the spectrum, please get educated, get awareness about the subject because though the world is saying it is an epidemic, it is actually just being recognized and having light shed on it, so don’t take the media image of autism as fact. There are going to be more children diagnosed and those who will never get a diagnosis because they are too “normal”, they will be a large part of your world.  As you see the movies and TV shows coming out don’t believe it is the only face of autism. Watch them with compassion for all of the people with autism and try to understand their world, try to be sympathetic to the parents who are doing what they feel is best for their child and have your eyes opened to a word that has more meaning than we can understand. Autism.

Some sites full of information about autism and autism acceptance.

http://www.autism-society.org/site/PageServer?pagename=about_home

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Autism_spectrum

http://www.webmd.com/brain/autism/high-functioning-autism

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jmOSMc2Sepg

http://www.wired.com/medtech/health/magazine/16-03/ff_autism?currentPage=all

http://www.taaproject.com/

http://abcnews.go.com/Health/Autism/autism-signs-symptoms-missed-parents/story?id=10013129

Working out is one of my stims.

Although, I have to keep myself balanced because I can get a little obsessive about working out. Even if I just do 15 minutes of cardio I feel a lot better. I mix up all of my routines to involve cardio, weights, yoga, and Pilates. I got a bike as a gift so for the summer I plan to add that to the mix. My family on my father’s side are all runners but I just can’t do it. I don’t have the time right now or the discipline. I find when I do my workouts that my mind is much clearer and my sensory issues do not seem to be as extreme, usually.

I have gotten the children involved.

Part of the whole house revamp was schedule as well. So I redid our schedule, made pictures to help all of us and put them up on the wall so we can stay on it. Ariel helps keep me inline, if I do not do our schedule I do hear about it. She makes it very clear that we cannot get off of our schedule. The first course of action after our morning breakfast and family time, is WORKOUT Time! Granted they do not do all of my workout but I give them their bouncy ball and they get to bounce around to their little hearts desire. They do try some of them moves and their favorite is “rolling like a ball”. I like that one too. The changes I have made with getting back to my workout schedule and reorganizing has made a huge difference.

Now I just have to make sure I stick with it.

This time was the first time I actually saw it unravel before my eyes.

It is not like I do not like to clean or organize, on the contrary I love it. It makes me very happy to clean the house and see the glistening floors, the beige of our carpet, the toys all in their proper place. But when I fall behind I cannot seem to find my way back and it becomes a blur in the background. I begin to not see it but I feel a constant closing in on me. I waited for a month or so dredging through to get the home schooling done each day, slowly getting my laundry done but then leaving the folded and even our clothes on hangers in the baskets, toys everywhere with no matches. It was horrible and I had to shut down because it was too overwhelming for me to deal with. I kept telling myself, “ok, today I have got to get everything organized and clean”. I did this for about three weeks. When I could no longer take it and noticed how much it was impacting the kids and making them chaotic,  I told David that I had to go to the store and get organizers and redo all of the toys, my school filing system, my therapy boxes, the whole house.

I had to do it starting that day!

That day was last Monday. I went for it and when I felt overwhelmed and wanted to give up I continued to press through. I would feel like giving up and then I would go look up sensory information to remind myself. I looked up visual input and read how it affects us so it would motivate me to keep going. As I did this I finally finished one room, the play room, and I could hear the angels sing from heaven “ahhhhh” and the room filled with glowing light. Yes, it was heaven for my mind. It motivated me to keep pressing on.

I kept telling myself “I can do this”.

I am usually so overwhelmed that I cannot focus and get anything done. This time I made a plan. One room at a time and if I got further than expected than great but if I only finished my one room for the day then I had achieved my goal. I set up storage boxes with pictures and labels to help the kids know where to keep their toys. I thought about a filing system that I could actually keep. I redid my pantry, my books, I redid everything. I need things to line up and be from shortest to tallest with my books and pantry items. I need my clothes to be in the Roy G. Biv in my closet and organized by short sleeves, long sleeves, sweaters, pants, etc…and my shoes have a particular order as well.

All of this had been disassembled because the children had no direction for keeping their toys.

They also had some play days in my closet and it was too much for me to clean it up. I had gotten behind from the kids being sick, my mom having a new schedule because she got a new job, David being consumed with work, and I realized I shut down because my house was a mess and I was constantly stimming trying to get my mind at peace. The house went through a major cleaning. It was hard but I took a week and did it.

I have issues with throwing things away.

I always end up talking myself out of throwing things away because “one day I may need it”. However, this time I forced myself and it was good. Only a few moments of anxiety but then I was free. I had a theory that this chaos was making us all out of control and causing havoc. I am very happy with the achievement of pushing through and getting it all done, especially with no meltdowns on my part and I believe my theory is correct, we all have a bit more peace of mind. Daniel was dumping piles of toys on the table and I believe it was the same thing I was feeling, visually overstimulated, so he was making more chaos. It was driving me crazy and making me irritable. Now he is not and all of the kids are putting their toys where they belong. The house is clean, everything feels linear which makes me feel at peace, everything has a place and it feels peaceful and calm in our house.

The key for me was to create a system that the kids and myself would find easy to follow and continue to implement, I think I found it.

I am not sure why she started this and I have asked her about it.

When I asked her why she was acting like Daniel and playing with fans and other spinning things she said the same thing every time I asked, “every where I go I see Daniel, when I am painting, playing, whatever, I see Daniel and I want to be like him”. Since this was unusual behavior I had a hard time letting go. She had never taken on his mannerisms for such a long period of time, she had never talked like him before or taken such an interest in fans. I found it quite interesting and a bit confusing.I noticed the behavior after we had gotten home one day.

Ariel and I went out to an all girl event for the day.

When we returned Ariel was highly emotional and latched onto Daniel. She had such a great time and she seemed very happy. I think she was still happy but I am not sure about her change in behavior when we got home. I thought maybe she felt guilty for leaving the boys at home, or if she really missed Daniel because he is her twin. I thought maybe she felt as if she could help Daniel not feel left out but Joshua didn’t go either so I really am not sure. We have said on several occasions that we cannot go out because it will be too much for Daniel, so maybe she thought she could help him. I really don’t know and I am not sure she does.

Whatever the reasons, some really great things have come out of her hanging out with Daniel so much.

Last night all three of them pulled out tons of toys, they set up palm trees, got out the play food and cars. Joshua told me that they were on an adventure, Daniel chimed in and said we are going to the beach, Ariel said I am making lunch at the beach. Daniel was playing make-believe and actually getting into it. They all three had their adventure it was great. Ariel and Joshua have been pretending to be dogs for quite some time now, early this week Daniel started being a cat. He told me “I am a cat, mom. Meow”. And he went around the house acting like our cat Nathaniel. He has been doing it off and on all week.

Daniel and Ariel have been having some serious conversations about fans this week.

I have noticed them talking at the table together. It is pretty great to watch them interact together like that. I am amazed at Ariel feeling the need to be with her brother and her actions have helped him get into a another dimension of play. All three of them like to have their alone time, Ariel and Joshua have been the ones who normally play together, so to witness this new kind of connection between all of them has been really great. All of them have been sharing, talking, coming up with ideas and having fun.

Daniel has been talking a lot more too.

Daniel surprises me sometimes with the things he says, I get it in my head that he doesn’t know what words to use because I am so accustomed to him not speaking in sentences that flow but then all of the sudden he says something like” Mom, go push the button on the computer to turn it on”. I sit there thinking “did I really just hear that?” or he will  joke with me,  like come up to me and say ” I am not Mommy’s Daniel, I am Daddy’s Daniel.” Totally amused with himself he will laugh and then tickle me. Since Ariel has been spending so much “special interest” time with him he has been doing these kinds of things a lot more. It is really great to have my kids mess with me! I love it! Joshua has always taken a vested interest in trying to get Daniel to play with him and I think that has helped quite a bit too but to have both of them come together and want so much for their brother to be a part of their fun is really great.

It is truly amazing what siblings can do for each other.

So I have been reading, a lot of blogs that have popped up about the subject. To be honest I had no idea it was an issue. After reading several different views, I do see both sides. However, I finally got tired of sifting through the different reasons for both sides, but I did read several blog posts that I thought were very good that I am going to put on here.

It has never occurred to me that Asperger’s would be considered different from the word autism.

We are on the autism spectrum, that means we are all on the same page, right?. The difference is how we are functioning. Though we may think that we are functioning better than other autistic people, we may not be in certain areas. When I have written about low functioning autism, I didn’t think of it as my son is different, I am different, or that we are better than those who are lower functioning, those thoughts never occurred to me to think. When I think of low functioning or when I write about it, I am thinking about a particular situation that I have seen or read about, I do not know that situation, I do not understand what they are going through with certain things. I do in others. I mainly speak from a mothers point of view about my son, not knowing the situation for another parent, I don’t know how they feel all I know is how I feel. If I do not have the same experiences as those parents than there is no way for me to relate. If I think of autism as a good thing in many ways and they think of it as a bad thing, then I cannot relate.

Daniel has been considered low functioning and has progressed in many areas and all I know are those experiences and how I feel.

I am still kind of shocked about all of this, I never saw it coming. I wrote very briefly about the “autistic community” attacking one another, that includes everyone on the spectrum. That was mainly about those who go back and forth about who is autistic and who isn’t. When the blog posts about this situation started popping up I was surprised at the separation and the division. I don’t understand it. It is actually confusing for me.

I have many questions.

Every time I meet a person and they say something about Daniel, I explain to them that he is on the autism spectrum, it is a wide spectrum of differences. I use this to try to educate them about autism, it is not that simple to explain but I try to do my little part in letting them know that there are differences. Not because I want them to think Daniel or myself are better but because they have no clue about autism. They have what I had been given, what the media has shown them, that people with autism are unable to be a part of this world. That they have nothing to offer, they aren’t here, they do not understand or want anything to do with people. Which I feel is false for ALL people on the autism spectrum.

After discussing this with David, he brought up some points I had not considered.

He brought up issues like some of the Asperger’s community may be effected in their work place or getting jobs because of the autism label. Or having issues with health benefits. Not being socially accepted, because the media is now making it more acceptable to be an “Aspie”. All of these things I totally understand. But I feel there has not been enough focus on the various aspects of autism.

Wouldn’t it be more beneficial to look at autism as a whole and find the similarities that could be the way to find answers to help us communicate better in our own ways.

Maybe if more people on the spectrum were helping to develop early and late interventions we would have our eyes and the worlds eyes opened to all the different ways that we on the spectrum communicate, create, learn, see the world, and actually be able to contribute to this world instead of being labeled and outcast. Why in so many situations does it have to be “we versus them”? The argument will never be won between two autistic people. What is the point of it? Can there be a common ground? Isn’t the real point that the whole autistic community find their place in society? If we are attacking each other, how does that help the cause? We cannot make a difference if we are divided.

I always have a hopeful mind of bringing everyone together in peace.

When I read this first blog I have to say I did not know what they were talking about with the quotes that they had up. It hurt my feelings, and I am high functioning, but I remembered that feeling and it was the feeling of being bullied, made to feel less than another person. I did not like it and I cannot recall saying those things, at least if I said any it was not in this context. If I have said them and hurt anyone, I am truly sorry. I did not mean my words in a way to sound as if I was better or that being high functioning makes you more superior.

http://ow.ly/17nea

I thought these post was an interesting point of view.

http://theotherside.wordpress.com/2010/02/01/vanishing-diagnosis/

http://networkedblogs.com/gQGF

http://www.journeyswithautism.com/

http://aspergersquare8.blogspot.com/

http://life-with-aspergers.blogspot.com/

I find that odd since I really love dragons.

I had a pet dragon (not real) while we lived in Germany, we went there when I was 4 weeks old until I was 2 1/2 years old. The whole time there I had a dragon, that lived on our balcony and he went with us everywhere and my mother had to open the big huge doors for him everywhere we went because he couldn’t fit otherwise. He stayed in Germany, when we got back to the states he was no longer with me. Maybe he couldn’t fit on the plane. My love for dragons stayed with me all through out my childhood and even now, though I gave them up for a while because “fundamentalists” informed me that they were evil but I believe that they are wrong. When I saw “Puff the Magic Dragon” I thought I would enjoy it, so did my mother but I didn’t it made me sad.

I wanted to know if Daniel would show any sign of relating to Jackie Draper.

I do not know if he did or not but something happened that I have never seen Daniel do before. He was watching the video and when it ended it looped back to the beginning, I heard Daniel say something and I came up to him. He pulled the earphones off and said “I no watch, this mom”. He had tears in his eyes. Daniel doesn’t cry like that, the only time I see him cry is with tears of frustration or pain if he gets hurts but never a cry like this. He had a look on his face that I have never seen, the best I could decipher was fear. I think he was scared. I am not sure, he just kept blinking and had watery eyes. Tears never fell but he was clearly shaken. I held him and asked him what was wrong. He was unable to tell me, I asked if he was scared, he said no, I asked if he was sad, he said no.

I do no think he knew how he felt and I understood that completely.

I dropped the subject and he held on to me tight and I just rocked him. Not much longer he was ready to get down and go about his business as if nothing happened. Then yesterday the same thing happened. He was in the bath with Joshua, I went to get towels and all of the sudden Joshua starts screaming at the top of his lungs. I run in thinking that something horrible had happened, I asked him what’s wrong and he just kept screaming and pushing on Daniel. I pulled him out quickly and tried to calm him down. I found out that he was screaming because the bubbles were touching him and he didn’t want the bubbles to get him. I think I am going to need to pay more attention to Joshua’s sensory needs.

I came back into the bathroom and Daniel had that same face as when he watched the video.

He was saying “Mom I want out of the tub, Mom I want out”. He was blinking, his eyes were all teary and he looked, the best I can say is scared. I don’t know if Joshua frightened him because he was screaming, or if he was just as confused as I was at Joshua’s reaction, or both. I got him out of the tub and held him. I asked him again if he could tell me if he was sad, scared, or mad or anything. He told me no to all of those things and then responded with “Daniel is happy”. So I dropped it. But it is hard for my mind to let it go because my baby is clearly showing some sort of response that I do not understand. I was hoping to be able to help him find out what he was feeling but that seems rather silly when a lot of the times I cannot express what I am feeling.

I think it is a good thing and the fact that he is responding to comfort is good too.

In fact he is seeking it which is new, so I think that is good for him. It could be something to do with sensory. I know that when I get overloaded or I am socially confused I do feel emotional. I am not sure what it all means but as long as he is not shutting down and communicating to me I think it is something positive. I just need to stop analyzing so much sometimes and just hug my kids. That is hard for me to remember, I always want to know why they need comforted before I comfort them. I am getting better at this, I have become aware of my actions. Instead of saying “Why are you crying, tell me why you are crying so I can fix it.” I now just pick them up and ask at the same time. LOL! I am working on it!

It takes time and with a brain that continually forgets these things, I pray for grace over me and my kids.

When I was in school it was mandatory that we bring Valentine’s Day cards for everyone.

All through elementary school I had anxiety about this event. My mother didn’t get it and she would buy me the cheapest cards and not think of any of the consequences I would face with my peers. Later as I expressed my humiliation she let me choose my cards but she complained about having to pay for them the whole time which brought about a whole other anxiety issue. Every year I would sit on the floor pouring over the words that were on each card, with my list of names for each student. I would think of each individual and try to match the right wording to the feelings I felt for that person. My mother would get so aggravated with me, “just write their names and be done, its not that big of deal”. It was for me. Each person in my classes had treated me a certain way, they said things to me, they looked at me, they hurt me, they were nice to me, each one needed the correct card.

I thought everyone did this.

When I received my cards, I thought all of the other children did the same thing as I did. I thought they meant the words written on the cards. I was wrong and it brought about a lot of confusion for me and a lot of rude remarks from my peers. I still have a hard time comprehending this, when I found out that even some of the children’s mother’s were the ones who signed the names on the cards I couldn’t understand. How could she pick out the right card for each child, she didn’t even know any of us. I was thankful that in middle school and high school we didn’t have to do any of that but there was the whole buzz with the girls receiving items from admirers or their boyfriends.

I felt left out and longed to receive things like flowers so I wouldn’t feel like such an outcast.

Although when I had boyfriends and they gave me stuff like that, I was happy and angry at the same time. I was happy because they thought of me, so I thought, but that is another story, but angry because they got me crap! What was I going to do with flowers after they died? Why would I eat a box of chocolate when I don’t normally eat it? Why would I like cheap jewelry that was usually cheap gold and that looked green on my skin? And everyone who knows me knows that I only wear silver or platinum .Why would I want a big elephant stuffed animal when I never showed any interest in elephants? Why not get me some music, a book, take me to the library, watch one of my favorite movies, sit with me and watch an entire day of history channel or real life murder mystery stories? The problem was they were not into that and they didn’t really know me at all.

My ex-husband made me so incredibly angry with one of his Valentine’s Day gifts.

I will never forget it. I came home to my apartment and the hallway had rose peddles all over the floor leading to my door. I walked in and there were rose peddles leading from the door to the bedroom. I was freaking out because of the mess, the hallway had to be cleaned up. I didn’t want other people to slip and fall, it was a mess. So I came in saying that and he had to go clean it up before I could even go into the room. Finally, it was cleaned up in the hallway and I had cleaned up the floor in the apartment. I went into the bedroom and on the bed was  huge bouquet of roses, box wrapped in red, some sort of stuffed animal and a little box.  I didn’t like any of this it made me very uncomfortable.

One of the reasons was that I had already made it very clear that I am not that into Valentine’s Day.

I opened the box, my heart sank. Are you kidding me? I pulled out the most repulsive dress, a dress that I would never wear. It was red spandex, there were two single spaghetti strap, elastic things to hold this thing up. One over the neck the other across my back, the back was completely opened to the top of my butt, the trim at the bottom had red sequence beads. He wanted me to wear this out in public to a restaurant/dance place. There were so many things wrong with this but the one thing that continued to go through my mind, which I also kept saying out loud over and over, “it’s freezing outside why would you get this for me?” I could not wear that outside or in a restaurant. I am always cold and I would be even colder if I wore that, even if I wore a coat.

I asked him why did you get me this?

He tried to make it into a positive and get my mind off of the dress so he suggested I open the other small gift. I did, which proved to be even worse. He got me a gold necklace with a gold heart pendent! WTF? I looked at him in complete disbelief, “why would you get me gold and a heart?” “I don’t wear this, you know I don’t wear hearts or gold?” Why would he get me these things? I was so upset. He was pretty upset too, what an ungrateful mean person I was. Well I thought it was quite mean of him to waste money on such thoughtless gifts. I found out that he had taken his brothers girlfriend with him to go shopping to pick out things and she reassured him that any girl would love what she had picked out. Any girl but me! They were the complete opposite of me and the thing that made me so angry was that he was supposed to know this.

He was with me everyday, he saw what I liked and didn’t like, how could he be so insensitive.

Though if you ask him, I was insensitive and I am sure I did not say the correct words and they were most likely hurtful. I couldn’t even take the stuff back, he had purchased them in another city so I was stuck with these god awful gifts. I ended up giving them away to people I think could enjoy them. He knew I had an obsession with reading, there were so many books that I had on a list to get, why didn’t he get those? He told me that he didn’t think it was romantic and that I would get upset. I don’t think so, to be honest I think he wanted to dress me up like his little Barbie doll and parade me around town to make himself feel better, I could be wrong but from the way the marriage ended I am pretty sure I am correct.

I have never been one for flowers, candy, and jewelry unless they are very unique or I specifically request something.

I feel that the flowers, candy, jewelry, and even perfumes are quite useless and a waste of money on me. I understand other people like those things and I am fine with that, I actually enjoy getting them for others if I know that is what they like. I may not understand it but I enjoy them being happy about receiving such gifts. For me a token of love is taking out the trash, giving me books, finding a song that I have never heard before, changing a diaper, and letting me have uninterrupted internet time to gather all the information my little heart desires. Things like that are great gifts.

Jewelry bothers me, gold bothers me and I am not a fan of any kind of bling.

I do wear my wedding ring which is engraved in Hebrew that says “My Lover is Mine and I am His”. I stopped wearing earrings about 7 years ago, before that I had worn the same earrings for about 4-5 years straight. I wore a silver cross necklace for 9 years straight. I like it simple and easy to wear. Flowers will die and their smell really gets to me, along with perfumes and such it has to be just the right scent or else it can cause my head to go into a whirlwind and I get sick. I am very sensitive to smells. Candy of any sorts is not a good gift for me because I am very particular about the kinds I eat since chocolates have various textures and some of them are too gross for me. I could go on about this but I will stop myself. When it comes to cards I like giving cards but I really mean the words, so when I pick out a card I have read many and I chose the one that expresses my words the best. Since I am not very good at remembering to say things like how much I love a person or what they mean to mean I find cards to be good for me, however, some people don’t seem to think the same way about cards as I do.

I am grateful for having such an understanding  husband.

David gets it. He is right there with me. We don’t do any of those kinds of things for each other. We tell each other what we want and we don’t save it for a token social holiday. If we want to express our love for one another we just do it and it is in ways that other people would find quite boring or even odd. It works for us. That is all that matters expressing your love the way you feel comfortable. Is it a poem, a song, creating a painting, a quilt, making dolls, sharing your fan? However, you express love is great and should be encouraged. That was my biggest problem with my ex and other people in my life, he didn’t think about how he could express his love for me. He went to someone who didn’t know me at all. Many people do that, they see what is on tv or other media venues and believe that is the way they should express their love.

People have bought into it and reduced themselves down to these simple trinkets to make them feel loved.

You are loved when the people around you accept you just as you are and are willing to find the things that you enjoy to let you know that you are appreciated and deeply wanted. It may be flowers, jewelry or candy that makes you happy but isn’t there more? Isn’t their value in what you think or who you are more than these things and shouldn’t it be acknowledged a lot more than on a holiday that bears no real significance to your self-worth?

It’s not the gift, it’s the thought that goes into the gift. Happy Valentine’s Day.