Today we celebrated Joshua’s birthday. He officially turned 5 years old last week but we were unable to do anything until today. Guess what he wanted for his birthday? Yeppers! Lego’s…Big Surprise! We did get him some other things, a Marvel Heroscape with some dandy super hero figures to go with it. He also received some pretty cool gifts from his grandma’s, like a Joker Castle and some Toy Story 3 figures. His aunties got him an Iron Man car which I find extremely cool and since he asked us just the other day to change his name to Tony Stark and Daniel’s name to Rhoady , he was pretty happy with his new car.

He loves all of his gifts but his heart belongs to Lego’s.

So this year he asked me to make a Lego cake. I was very happy with that, hoping that I would be able to pull it off since they are pretty much squares. I am pleasantly surprised that I finally made a cake that turned out halfway decent this year, although it is not truly to scale or completely structurally sound. It worked for its purpose. I again had trouble with the icing, I am very particular with icing texture and taste so I try to make a certain type but I have not been able to figure out the best way to keep it stiff so I had to scrap it and made my own concoction of butter cream frosting. I am not a fan of butter cream but I did manage to make it not too sweet or too buttery. Happy girl.

More importantly, happy Joshua!

He loved the cake and the whole time I was making it he was telling me what a great job I was doing. He’s a great kid. I will take his admiration because soon it will diminish once he sees the pictures of his lopsided wanna be Lego cake. Shhh! I have a few more years to soak it up. I am feeling quite at peace right now, it’s funny. Usually on birthdays or holidays I am a nervous wreck. It is quite normal for me to have a panic attack over the cake and get overloaded with my sensory issues because of touching all the sticky goo and what have you. I did not this year, I actually enjoyed making the cake, except when all three children crowded around me chanting “I love Lego cake” and I felt trapped. That was not fun for me but David helped guide them into the living room to give me some space.

Even though I am working through many things, I am at peace.

It is very surprising that I am so calm and that I am not having anxiety. In a way I am waiting for to hit me with a great big BAM! However, I don’t think it will, just writing out my thoughts even if they are just poems, stories or visions that pop in my head, it has helped me a great deal I believe. Don’t get me wrong my mind is still nonstop and driving me mad, the only difference is I am not panicking about the thoughts or questions. I was even calm enough to build one of Joshua’s Lego sets and truly enjoy myself. I haven’t been able to do that in a long time. I do enjoy Lego’s when I am able to focus and I am not overloaded.

Of course I will have some pictures, me and my photo fixation.

It is nice and peaceful right now, Daniel is doing amazing. He needed some alone time so he is off in the bedroom with the door shut listening to his recorder. His newest music obsession is a strange one but he loves them, they are called Viva Voce . I tried to find his favorite song but I cannot it is called “Plastic Radio” he has been playing it over and over again for over a week. He plays the cd on the computer in the front room, records them, then goes off and shuts himself up in one of the rooms so we will not disturb him. Here are two other ones that he has on his recorder Lesson No. 1 and Believer. (He did not see the Vampire Diaries that was the only version of this song that sounded ok, on YT that I could find.)

I am surprised how well Daniel has been doing, I am very thankful.

Ariel has been hilarious. She is kind of upset that she did not get any cool Ninja Lego sets since she was the one who really likes them and “has the Lego ninja ice dragon and loves skeleton bones” so rightfully should get all Lego’s that contain such items, not Joshua. Hee hee. She told me yesterday that she speaks whale, then proceeded to do so. Later she shared with me that I do not know things because I am mom. Apparently I know things because “you use your taste, smell, eyes, ears and touch, you know your senses” being a mother has nothing to do with any knowledge that I may have. She is so funny and seems to be quite correct, I must say. So we had a wonderful time everyone is relaxing and now we will hope that the food coloring I used in the icing will not cause major meltdowns!! At least we had the party early so it will give some time for the sugar and food coloring to work its way out by bedtime. I hope.

Picture time! (Only a few…really)

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My mind seems to be going in all sorts of directions. One moment I am coming to a peaceful resolve the next I am thrown in a tailspin of thought. I am not looping as badly as I have in the past, I think it may be because I wrote about it. I will probably share it later. I have several different things that I am pondering about and several of the issues are driving me mad because they seem to have no answers. Now, if there is one thing that gets my mind going it is something that does not seem to have an answer. I have been able to put some of my questions to rest about the universe, God, philosophy, different religions, politics, etc…because I understand that there are many different opinions and ideas. I can understand having some gray areas and be settled in my mind with that.

Although, this has really only happened for me in the past few years and at times I still have problems.

As I think about the puzzle of people, I get so confused. I try to understand that people are different and handle things differently but it is very hard for me. One of the reasons is because of the blankness that I feel. I look at people and have no idea what they are doing or thinking. I really hate that I have to ask sometimes, but if I don’t I can cause more harm. Sometimes my honesty is too much to bear and I don’t understand why. I read this last night and it at least made me not feel bad for being so direct and honest with others. (Click on “Other stuff” to read the whole thing.)

Other stuff.

• Lying, deceit, or insincerity, even to oneself, is an extremely uncomfortable experience for AS folks, due to their being so literal and having limited filters (however, the high-functioning ones tend to be very good actors). If forced to attempt deceit, there will usually be some sign of awkwardness. Autistics often find the action of keeping secrets emotionally painful, as everything must be processed before it is forgotten or replaced with something else, and a calculation/patterning cannot stop halfway. This can often lead to people suffering from AS being the type of person who exhibits Brutal Honesty.
  

• This trait often hurts them even more when it comes to socializing. This also makes them some of the most sincere, genuine, and trustworthy people around… but perhaps not suited for intelligence work beyond decryption.

This is one reason why when I feel that another person is hiding something or not being forthright I start digging for information. I tend to back off if I feel that they are doing it to me because I have not trusted my instincts but when it comes to others I am a hound. I will not stop until I find the answers and I am able to discern their motives. It sucks. I lose friends over this and I have made family members upset with my honesty and directness about people in their lives. I find it so odd that I am able to discern this for others but for myself it is fuzzy and unclear. I will get “feelings’ and instincts but still I question and doubt.

I feel so unable to read what people feel about me.

I have misjudged so many times, for instance one of my bosses seemed to dislike me very much. I truly thought she hated me and as hard as I tried to do a good job, I always felt like I wasn’t. When I left that job, she not only gave me a full paycheck when I only worked for half of the time, she gave me a letter of recommendation and told me if I ever moved back that I would always have a job. I was seriously confused. I truly thought she despised me and my work. I have had similar situations with friends. I would misjudge and think that they truly liked me when they did not and vice versa. It is a strange thing. Since I have such a poor track record I continue to question and doubt people.

It’s not a ruling force in my life any longer.

While in school and in my younger years I would spend a lot of time worrying and trying to figure out what was going on. I do not do this so much but I have my moments. I have had several encounters with people this week that have triggered these past thoughts. I decided to write about them to calm my mind. What I am thinking is that a large part of the problem is feeling out of control. I have no control over what is being thought about me and the worse part is I don’t know what is being thought about me. It is very important to me that people have an accurate perception but the problem with that is, everyone’s perception is based on their own ideas and thoughts.

I have no control.

Ahhh! I have no control. Freak out! Ok, I am back. I am noticing that I always tend to think that people think the worst of me. I do not know why. Possibly because I have dissected and picked apart all of the things that I have seen as flaws, in preparation of others pointing them out. If I am already on top of it then it will not be a surprise to me. In the last week or so I have really gotten freedom from those thoughts but they still linger. It is from years of being told or interpreting what people have said about me in negative ways. It may take some time but I do feel largely free from the self-destructive train of thought. Just last night I had a situation cleared up for me that had happened several months ago. I thought that I had done something wrong but through totally different circumstances, I found out it had nothing to do with me. The other person was the problem, what a relief. It also gave me another instance where I was right.

I really do not know how to trust myself.

I have spent so many years doubting and questioning myself that I do not know how to deal with all of these things that I have been right about. I get freaked out thinking that I am right about something, because what if this time I am wrong? It is a devastating moment for me to be wrong, even with small things. I know this is something that I need to work through. I know that it is ok to be wrong but that feeling is hard for me to deal with. I find myself in a catch-22 though, if I am right I don’t like being right. It makes me feel bad for being right about the things that I am right about,  but I hate being wrong so it is a relief when I discover that I am right. However, the things I am right about are not always good, they are the things that others choose to think are not happening. I see the things others do not want to deal with and they do not like me talking about it. Hmm… I have no real point I guess, I am just babbling to get it out.

I will just have to ponder some more.

Addition of thought. (Update)

After having this post swim around in my head, I just got some clarity about something. When I spoke of seeing blankness, the reason why is because I feel something when I look at people but their actions a lot of times are not relaying what I am feeling. There is a disconnect with the emotions that I am feeling and the actions/words that I am seeing/hearing.  It can be a very confusing moment for me and I automatically mistrust myself instead of going with the feelings that are being projected at me. “If you are upset than just say it!” I have said that numerous times, why mess around with body language and hemming and hawing around? Just say it and get it over with. I understand that a lot of people cannot do that but it is incredibly confusing to try to figure out what this world is up to. I do not say things to be mean, I am just trying to understand people and I cannot do that when they are telling me one thing and then acting differently than their words are portraying. 

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