03/30/13

Birthday Exhaustion

Heads up, this is a rambly post. Its purpose is to share all of the social and sensory extravaganza that has been going on. Amazingly, we are all holding up and no meltdowns. However, I do expect that some may arrive in this coming week. After writing this out, I realize that we have been and will be stretched. It is good, but it will also require a lot of downtime for each of us.

Ok, now onto my ramblings and musing.

Yes! I am still talking about my birthday. I love birthdays. I love my birthday. Some people do not get into the whole birthday thing. I cannot say that I truly “get” into it because I do not ask for presents and I really do not mind if I do not get anything. I have made my own birthday cake for a long time now, if I decide that I want a cake.

I mainly make a big ta-do for the kids.

Still I do enjoy the day of me being born. I wrote a post that I will share, again; for any of my new followers that explains why my birthday is a big deal for me. AND HI! New followers, I am so excited to have new followers and thankful for my “old-timers.” hee hee Here is the post What’s In A Birthday? If you cannot tell, I am a bit goofy today.

I think it is from exhaustion.

Last week was packed full of adventures, but the last three days have been tops! I am surprised at how well the kids and I have handled it. We discovered not too long ago that this house had no instillation at all in the ceiling. The owners decided to put it in, and it was supposed to be two weeks ago. The maintenance people cancelled on me after I had already made plans to take the kids out for the day. For other families this may not be a big deal, for us it is HUGE. I have to prepare the kids, especially Daniel ahead of time. I have to pack all of our food because we cannot just pop in somewhere because of diet issues, not to mention sensory issues in restaurants.

Ok, so they cancelled last minutes and rescheduled for yesterday.

I tried to prepare by trying to have the kids get ahead with their schoolwork … yeah, that did not happen. Now they are a day behind, but spring break for starts on Monday so we have time to make it up. At some point, they called David and said that they were coming at 3:00 pm Thursday to deliver the pallets of instillation. They called me on Thursday at 1:00 pm and said, “We are in the drive-way.” They were here for a couple of hours. In the middle of that my grandma showed up expecting to give me a break, and Daniel is doing his virtual reading help class. Grandma got confused and thought we switched to Thursdays. We are back to Friday’s for my break day.

I skipped the whole conversation.

She arrived at 2:00 pm, with Easter gifts for the kids; school did not move forward and the day was shot. I had already made plans to go to a Piloxing class. I went and the regular instructor cancelled last minute in her place was a woman who had to have been somewhere in her 60′s. She was a powerhouse! She did boxing and Pilates, but no dancing. Let me just say she was an inspiration. She had her hip completely replaced last year, she made me, and the other younger women in there sweat like beasts. It was awesome! She had a great spirit about her too, very kind and full of positivity. I am going next week to try the Piloxing, but I am very glad to have had her for my first time trying.

Do you see the pattern here?

Things keep changing! Plans are being all messed up and everything is chaos! Well, maybe not that bad, but for me it throws me off. I made plans to take the kids swimming at the YMCA and then, spend the day at grandma’s house. Because of all of the “unexpectedness” and my change in schedule by going to work out Daniel was on the verge of meltdown Thursday night. When I came home, he was not very happy about me being gone. I was unable to get our lunches packed and ready like I had planned. I did get our clothes and other things ready. I had to get up earlier than expected because the men were supposed to be here by 8:00 am. I told them I would have the kids and myself out by 9:00 am.

Everything was going smoothly, UNTIL they turned on the machine to blow some sort stuff.

I have been over this several times with them. You cannot just turn on any sort of loud noise-making thing without giving Daniel forewarning and still there is no guarantee that he will be ok. The unexpected noise caused a spiral of noise fears for the rest of the day. He is already not a fan of the toilets in the family changing room at the YMCA – it was a major challenge to get him along with the other kids dressed. They all refused to take showers there so when we left I had to dress them and change plans to shower them (and me) at grandmas. Now the swimming was great, expect the water was so cold that I could hardly move and when I was splashed, I literally screamed because it felt like daggers tearing at my flesh.

It sucked the life force right out of me.

Everything started to go well at grandma’s house, but then I saw texts message from David. Apparently, the guys did not put anything down over our kitchen, living room, or garbage and within 20 minutes, they were all covered with almost two inches of dust. The whole situation was awful. Long story short, they stopped and covered things up, called for a cleaning crew to come, and will be back on Monday to clean all of the boxes and our personal items that are covered with dust. They wanted to come clean on Monday! They expected us to bring our three little one, who already have allergy issues, into this home for the next three days with almost two inches of dust, um, no! How was I supposed to make food? Good grief.

They ruined our toaster and our Sea Monkey’s may die.

That has caused spouts of death anxiety again with Daniel. He watching them closely and is afraid that they will die. Then, he asked if he was going to die because he is breathing dust. Urg! They ensured us that the machine would not blow anything into our house and even when they saw that it was blowing all over everything they did not stop. They kept going. David grabbed all of the items that I had on the counters, it included toys, books, electronic items, and I was in such a hurry that I did not think of putting anything away. They also said that, “it will not blow into your house.” Sigh…

In the midst of that I received several texts and my sister called me to wish me happy birthday.

Now I was happy about that, but it was a lot of social interaction. Grandma is a talker too so the whole day was packed with talking, talking, talking! By the time I came home, I was exhausted. Daniel was in a fury because nothing was in their place and his toys were in bags. Thankfully, I did not have to cook.

We ordered Biaggi’s I had gluten-free yumminess!

I was actually so tired I went to bed with the kids at 8:00 pm unfortunately; my body and mind were unwilling to sleep. I was up all night. Then, Joshua and I went out to get Easter items for tomorrow. That was not bad, but still more sensory and social overload. We did dye eggs and we ate my cake. Tomorrow I will hide eggs out in the yard if it doesn’t rain and we will have a fun Easter morning then, head off to my aunt’s house for lunch.

More sensory and social!

I am excited about it, but there will be a ton of people and I have no idea how Daniel is going to hold up. Ariel and Joshua normally do ok until we get home. In a way, I am glad that we have spring break this week because we need a break. Next weekend my dad is throwing me a birthday party at my aunt’s house so that will be another big thing. I am doing really well for the moment; I think I am definitely going to need more downtime this week. I will also need to make sure I do workouts because that helps me a lot. I will have to do the same for the kids. I hope the weather is not bad then, I can take them to the park. I will try swimming too as long as everyone is feeling up for it.

I am taking the kids to get their eye exams on Thursday too!

Geez, I forgot about that. I have also been engaging in email interaction to sign Ariel up for a fine arts co-op. I have also been trying to stay in contact with the woman who heads the adult Aspie group in town. We have not thought of any good meeting ideas. Anyone, have any ideas?? I just downloaded a bunch of stuff. I have had a major shift in how I respond to all of this and that is great.

I am not feeling anxious or stressed.

I am only tired. If I get some good rest tonight I think that will be good. Please brain and body sleep! I have been able to help the kids too which, feels really good. The changes that I have been making have given a clearer mind to be there for my kids too. I am doing well so far, not to say I may not crack in the next few days, but so far, it is going pretty, pretty well.

Want some cake?? (The cake is a lie!! Not really, it is only gluten-free it is still cake.)

: Here is a piece for you. :-)

: Cake.

: Whaaa??

: This thing is HUGE!

: Sea Monkey’s Live!!!

: Eggs!

: Eater Bunny??

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10/22/11

Conversation With My Mom

I have been having the whole science fair experience still running through my mind because it opened a ton of other memories. I realize how I have blocked out a lot of things through different means, and every time it would start to fail I would find another distraction to keep me from feeling or dealing with it. Since I have had these memories come up I decided to ask my mom about it. She had a vague memory about it, but she remembered that I had won and she remembered several science fairs that I had been in. She was able to bring to light a lot of things that were going on behind the scenes. (I may have written some of this before, I am on a loop that is opening more memories so that happens and I cannot remember.)

During ages 9-13 I had a lot of change and things going on.

My mom got remarried, my dad and step-mom had my two sisters, my mom and step-dad had my other sister, (another came when I was 14) we moved into a much nicer trailer then into a house, my dad and step-mom and sisters moved out of state, I started middle school and was thrown into a whole new social world, and that is all I can recall at the moment. Nothing was explained to me I just needed to deal with the change. While in middle school my mom got promoted and was working a lot more so the person who was frustrated with me the most was my step-dad. He was not happy about that and he was also upset that my mom was making a great deal more money than him and was home a lot less.

I have felt tremendous guilt about ever saying anything negative about my parents.

I never mean to make them sound badly, but there are things that truly affected me and thwarted me because I did not know how to read them or communicate to them. I brought it up to my mom about her being disinterested in my schooling and after school activities, and I told her that I was not trying to make her feel bad, but I needed to talk about it. She point-blank told me that she wasn’t going to own that guilt. She said that she had enough guilt about things and that she could not take on things of the past like that. I was so happy to hear her say that. It actually lifted something off of me too, I think it was my whole trying to manage her emotions thing I try to do. What she said was: “It was how I was raised, I didn’t know any better and I cannot feel bad for what I did not know. I cannot do anything about it now.”

I really thought that was great and I had a moment where I could see her efforts in a new light.

Part of our Aspie issue is caring guilt or fault for things and it can be detrimental at times. I was happy to hear her say this because it meant she was not going to be bound by those thoughts and that both of us could talk about it and move on. I love that part about my mom, many times we can remove the emotions and deal with the situation. Although it depends on the situation and I never know what will be an emotional trigger for her.

She does not share the same interests as myself and when I share things she seems aloof and distant.

Even today I started talking about the Fibonacci Number and I thought that she would be interested since it is used in art, but the second she heard “number” I lost her. I tried to explain it to her, but she just didn’t get it. In the past I took that reaction as rejection or that she was completely uninterested. The truth is, she is not interested in it because she has not made her own connection to it. If I were to show her through different means of art and take her through drawing a pattern of the florets of a flower or the spiral in a shell she would get it, but she has to want to get it. I now see just because she doesn’t get it doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t.

I have always assumed that if others were not interested in what I was interested in, then I should stop it.

Or I thought that I did not understand it well enough to talk about it so I kept it to myself. I am not upset at my parents about anything, I am frustrated that I was unable to pursue my passions because of my own self-doubt. I am so relieved to not be responsible for my parents emotional stability. Every time I write something about my parents that could be perceived as negative to me I feel physically ill. I worry and fret over my posts and I get afraid that I will hurt their feelings or upset them. I have done this my whole life, which is another reason why I have not been able to process my own emotions.

What happened during those years, my mom worked a lot.

Even if she wanted to participate in my school life, she could not because she was trying to give me and her a better life. She worked hard and still does. She supported me by giving me things she knew that I loved. My room during those years was pretty awesome. I had my half bath in my room, it was at the other end of the trailer so my mom and step-dad could not hear anything that I was doing, it was right next to the kitchen, sweet! I had a phone, a small black-and-white TV because I had insomnia and would stay up all night and used it to help me fall asleep, I had an awesome stereo with a turntable, cassette player, and FM radio, and at around 10 I got a Texas Instrument TI-99/4A. My room looked much like my house now.

Exclude the phone, I didn’t really talk on it a lot. It was a see through one that I thought was cool to look at.

I talked to her about my room and all of the things that I had, she said that I was always interested in that stuff. I had forgotten that even as a little girl I wanted to assemble the electrical equipment or take things apart and put them back together. I got in trouble for messing with the stove, I lit the kitchen on fire when I was like four years old because I was trying to light the gas stove. I climbed up onto the counter and got the matches out of the cabinet. I was also interested in dressing dolls, not playing with them just dressing them and then setting them up in rows. My stuffed animals were all organized and lined up on my floor and specific ones on my bed. They were my audience and my friends. I wore dresses with shorts along with boots or no shoes at all.

I caught critters and played in the mud, but freaked out when it was on me.

My mom reminded me of many things about myself today. My mom supported me the best way she knew how, by letting me be. She allowed me to be alone in my world and create my own worlds. I thought it was lack of interest, but in her mind it was freedom. Not that it was the best thing in the world to do, but I have to say my mom never forced me to conform. She may have told me how I should be or that my way was wrong because it didn’t look like what she thought was right, but she didn’t stop me. There are many great qualities about my parents that get taken away because of my negative loops. However, I need to acknowledge them, understand my emotions, process everything, and move on. I am feeling a bit of validation today by my mom acknowledging the things about me that I had hidden away. I have been afraid to say the things that I like or love to do or think about because in the past I felt rejected or wrong for them.

This has been a great eye opener to what I have lost about me, reclaiming those things, and I find it quite freeing.

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07/25/11

Fear Of Rejection

There has been a lot of talking going on around here and I am exhausted. Overall though I have taken in a lot of stuff, processed some things and have gotten clarity in some areas. A big one is fear of rejection. I have been so fearful of people rejecting the real me that I have mastered mirroring people without even realizing it. I had hidden myself far away and would spend time trying to analyze and read people’s patterns to try to stay on top of their likes and dislikes. I believe I did this to be able to gain their acceptance or stay observant of how they would reject me so I could be prepared.

I can’t keep it up anymore.

I am not able to do this any longer, not with the revelation of the real me that has been hidden. I am discovering new things about myself and I know that it will continue for my lifetime. I have a lot packed into this brain of mine. However, I think it is important to document how I ended up losing so much of me in the first place, the root of that would be fear of rejection. I have accumulated this fear through a life time of feeling or being rejected. I say feeling because it was how I perceived things, they may not have actually been true. I based rejection on not making people happy. If they got angry with me, I hurt them, I annoyed them or whatever, I perceived all of that as rejection of me. The things that I was doing at the time or how I was behaving was what I documented as the rejection. I will add here that my looks were a part of that feeling of rejection as well because of being made fun of as a child.

I felt like I was just being myself but what I was doing was causing problems.

I then associated myself as being rejected. To protect myself I stopped being myself fully and year after year, perceived rejection after perceived rejection I hid away parts of me. The problem is that when I begin to feel comfortable or safe, the real me comes out and I forget to control it. I then would see people’s responses and feel rejected. The reason was that I did not understand what was happening socially. If someone laughed at me I would ask why they they were laughing because I did not understand if they were laughing at me or with me. I would automatically assume they were laughing at me. Why? Lack of social understanding, I believe. The same criteria applied when I made someone angry, sad, or upset in some way. I would assume it was something I had done but I would also assume that they didn’t want anything to do with me once I made them feel this way.

I have valid reasons for feeling that people will just leave.

It has happened to me quite often where people just leave or no longer have contact with me and I do not understand why. Maybe they made it clear but because I did not understand the cues, it was impossible for me to understand. In those cases I assumed the worst about myself. I never thought it was them. I always thought I did something wrong. Another piece to this rejection puzzle is that I would usually only do this when there was a person in my life. Like one friend or a boyfriend or while consumed in an unhealthy church crowd. I would look to them as authorities to social conventions and think that I had to be wrong because the group or my perceived authority knew better than me. When I was alone, I did not have this problem. I did not become confused until I had conflicting voices with my own inner voice.

Confusion causes me fear – it also makes me fearful of being rejected.

I feel that because every time I go against the multiples or the person of perceived authority, I get rejected. I feel like I have made them unhappy. One of the worst things I could do in my mind is to make someone unhappy. I know this is unrealistic but still my heart wants to see everyone happy. I truly do and it has been the base for a lot of my desicions to the point of my own suffering and denial of self and needs. This is a huge revelation for me, to step back and look at how I have taken on identities without realizing it to ensure others are ok. I don’t “need” them to feel like a whole person or anything, I just have a desire to want to make people happy. In certain relationships when I feel that I have reached all that I am capable of, I am then finished. I can no longer make them happy so I am not needed.

However, I am left sad because I feel like a failure and I lost more of myself in the process.

I can no longer try to make others happy, I see the process now. I realize that I can only make myself happy. I cannot be fearful of rejection and allow that to govern me. I know in the past I have relied on others to guide me because I felt like I didn’t understand enough or I had too many people influencing me and making me confused. I felt that my ability to read others is way too off to trust. It is a lie. I know I have written some of this before but I have had real epiphany about how I have allowed others emotions and words to influence who I am. I see with clarity how I have trusted my wrong thoughts and have become fearful. I trusted them because I felt I could not trust my own if others did not agree with me.

These thoughts were influenced by confusion from the people in my life.

An example of things that confuse me is like David telling me that I can read people well. He said I can usually read them straight to their core and they do not like it. I can see past a lot of the smoke screens. Then he will say that I am wrong about other things I say about a person but usually these are about people that he has some direct emotional tie to. He is being influenced by his own feelings and telling me that I am wrong. We all do this, I know, but it has caused me great confusion. It has happened multiple times in our relationship and it causes me to shutdown and submit. I explained this to him and he said “Why the hell do you listen to me?” He went on to ask me why I look to him as an authority.

These are very good questions…why have I done this?

He never told me to. I assumed that he knew better so I listened to him. It is because I lost myself by mirroring him. I have managed to become another person, one that I did not know and I can’t do it anymore. I mirrored him because I wanted him happy. The mirror has broken and I am left with seeing me – no wonder I haven’t liked mirrors, I didn’t know who it was in there! I didn’t even realize I was doing it, until recently. It has been made very clear because I have been being myself and he is like “Who are you and where did you come from?” I have had the tinge of fear of rejection from others online, with family and with David, just waiting or anticipating the ball to drop so I will not be surprised when it happens. Why? Who cares if people reject us? This type of fear has caused me to become friends with the wrong people, lose myself and feel inadequate.

It’s like a veil has been removed from my eyes.

I have talked about this before but never really got it. I understand that a lot of this is my feeling unable to read social cues and people, but now I am seeing that I am able to do that. If I don’t understand a social cue, who cares? I mean really, who cares? What is the worse thing that is going to happen? A person doesn’t like me? They say something mean? They try to make me feel foolish? What is that? They have no power over me or my life. Fear of rejection is a big farce. If someone rejects us, there is someone who will accept us fully and enjoy who we are so why bother on those who do not see our value? I got sucked into identities that were not me and that caused even more insecurity and fear. I have been afraid to be myself and that sounds so foolish.

David asked me what happened to the Angel that got buried?

Where is she? First of all, it wasn’t Angel that got buried, it was Angelique. It started with my name. People, including family, making fun of my name as early as I can remember. My mom and dad both thought is was a beautiful name and it was the only one they could agree on. I should think on that. Ripping open that small nugget has revealed many others that have caused my fear of rejection. Was it done in fun? Possibly they meant no harm and many others meant no harm but my lack of understanding caused me to feel rejected. It caused me to doubt and to continue to push my trustworthy voice down and look to those who I felt had more understanding. Doubt, confusion and fear of rejection – none of these are the real me.

Though I have gotten exhausted by a lot of the talking that David and I did, he had some great things to say by the end of it all.

One thing he said to me is, “Each part of you is talented, trustworthy and capable – the only person who does not believe that is you.” He told me not to listen to him and that I should not allow his voice to cause me confusion. He also said, “I don’t know you – I don’t know what the hell is going on in your head.” Wow! He is right, I am the only one who can make my decisions and know what is best for me. Why do I not trust myself and get confused by him or others? This is not me. I may have anxiety issues or get hit with a panic attack but I am not a fearful person truly. I have allowed the influences of others and my wrong perceptions to be a controlling force and cause fear. WHAT? I am deciding to at least knock this wall down.

I may have other issues but I will not allow this fear to rule my mind any longer.

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07/21/11

I’m Like Oobleck

According to David I am like oobleck, not the green goo from the Dr. Seuss book but the non-Newtonian fluid corn starch and water kind. The other day, after talking to me for quite a while that was the conclusion that he came to. He wasn’t being mean; I actually think that he described me accurately. He said (figuratively about my attitude) “if someone comes at you that you feel is like force, you harden up, but if someone just lets you be then you will flow.” It is true if someone comes at me and I feel like it is forceful extraction of information or assumptions or overly friendly or something, I shutdown. When I say forceful, I mean bombarding me with information or questions or physical affection. When I am looping and stimming, he has gotten frustrated or has an urge to help me.

Then the questions come and what feels like extracting information from me.

I feel like at times my answers are being prodded out of me and it causes me great confusion or complete shutdown. It is mainly when I feel like I have answered something sufficiently and clearly but the person will continue to ask in multiple ways or my answers cause another round of questions or ideas or presumptions. I just feel swarmed. Sometimes it is good for David to try to get me to talk because I do tend to close up into my own world when I am trying to understand my emotions or a situation. There needs to be a balance though. When I am emotionally vulnerable, I can get overwhelmed and feel a mix of emotions that I cannot discern what are mine and what belongs to another person. I have had several friends in the past week, aside from David, who are experiencing intense emotional and stressful situations and it has affected me.

I feel it.

I sense it and it is hard for me to sort them out from my own. I am feeling my things that I do not even understand. I then start writing whatever comes to mind. I get fixated on strange things, like trying to find something that I haven’t thought of in years. A song, a book, a show, or I become obsessed with looking at pictures, especially of space. When I am in this loop, but sometimes I get completely freaked out when looking at pictures of space, the reality of it all. Ahhh!

When I feel like I am forced to talk it seems to throw me into confusion.

It also causes me emotional stress; David is working hard at not doing this to me. However, when he sees me escaping into my world it worries him. He forgets that I have done this always to help me process. The other day, while we were talking, he told me that I had not behaved like this before, not this extreme. I reminded him of every major and small event we had experienced and how I responded. I shared with him each stim and ways that I processed during those times. After systematically going through them he was able to see the pattern and realized that this is what I do. I have to in order to process. Although, from his point of view this time looks completely different from my behavior in the past.

It does look a bit different this time.

I didn’t see it until he said that. In the past, I was very productive in organizing, gathering information, and then implementing it. I would focus on helping others or find some sort of way to be productive; it was never really in creative ways. I never allowed myself to truly tap into my writing or my emotions. I have had them locked up because they were too hard. It is too hard. I feel broken but I know that I need to feel broken to get back together. This time I am using a creative outlet, I am being very productive in writing, dancing and gathering music. I used to do this before David and I met. Now I need to find a balance.

This is new for me.

I am terrified with the feelings that I have, most of all my confusion. I do not know where to place it or how to get it to make sense. I do know this pattern though, I do this often. I go through great confusion, start to reorganize, and slowly put things back into place. The problem this time is that I am really facing things and I DON’T WANT TO! I want them to go back in their box. I want to be hard and unmovable. But not really, in the long run going through all of this will make me a better person. I have to go through this, embrace what I am feeling, understand what emotions are and accept them. I do think I need to look to a third-party though to help me talk through some things. I think I really need that to find some balance.

It always feels like it will never resolve.

I know that is not true. It usually gets resolved. Usually. I can calm my nerves a bit by recognizing that I am not the only one looping and getting fixated in the house. We are in a cycle where everyone seems to be stuck. Daniel is asking for toys that he had as an infant and arguing with me about them being gone. He thinks I have them hidden in the garage. He is asking questions non-stop. Ariel is doing things that she only does during this cycle, like walking the perimeter of the house, sliding her hands along the wall. She is sucking on her fingers and getting lost in stares. Joshua is fixated on Daniel and Ariel playing with him and if they do not he starts asking the same questions over and over. He has also shut down and not been able to use his words several times.

They are all fixated on certain toys, shows, and objects.

At least I am not the only one…right? Well I do realize that I need to find balance just like I try to help the kids have balance, this time it is very hard. Maybe it will be much better after this week. David took some time off the other day and I was able to go the beach all alone. I had real alone time, where I did not have to go to the store or run any errands. I was able to swim and play in the ocean all by myself, read my book, listen to music, take a billion pictures and just sit. I was hesitant about doing that, to be honest I had not done that really in about 7 years. I haven’t done anything by myself where I didn’t have a specific thing to do. I didn’t even realize this until David made me aware of the fact. Of course, it was after a complete crying meltdown. I have no idea why I was crying, I just felt broken.

I know it will pass, these are just emotions.

Emotions that I do not even understand or know what they are. I just feel overwhelmed. Immediately I started to analyze it all away. I find it so ridiculous for me to be like this and not understand why, completely. I know that is not right, I shouldn’t do that to myself but my mind just races trying to find answers for my behavior. I guess the next thing is for me to be alright with feeling things without answers. I find that very difficult. What I don’t find difficult is sitting here staring at my little objects that I have gathered and placed neatly lined in rows on my desk. Those are quite lovely. Peace out!

I don’t think I’ll stop being like oobleck though.

Side Note: I thought this had some very insightful articles. When Art Heals

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07/13/11

Clocks!

There are certain things that I really like and I would like to have a lot of. Some of those things are watches, I did used to collect them but when I left my retail jobs I no longer wanted to wear them. The kids now play with the ones that I kept. I did end up giving a lot of them away over the years though. Daniel seems to like watches too. Then there are the crosses, yes, if I could I would have one wall dedicated to various styles of crosses. I would also have a wall dedicated to clocks. However, they would have to be in a designated room where I would not have to look at them all the time because I would feel too crowded with all of them around me.

I like to look at all of these items.

I especially like looking at clocks. I do not know why but I find them fascinating. I even like looking at pictures of clocks. I can get sucked into looking at pictures of them and staring at details on them. The ones that keep me most interested are antique clocks or industrial style clocks. We used to have a cuckoo-cuckoo clock from Germany that I loved to watch as a child. My mom has a thing for grandfather clocks. If I could afford some clocks here are several billion that I would purchase.

Sometimes there are hidden meanings in clocks, that is all.

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Fascinating

Simple, nice.

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Circuit-Board-Wall-Clock-

ClockDanuLLRFLT

clocks-group

cool-wall-clock-570x547

FABBCEAA

HAND_PAINTED_WALL_CLOCKS

II Clock

invotis-silver-wall-gear-clock

Louis-XVI-Wall-Clock-Gilded-French

Sweet!

Mechanical-Gear-Clock-31 This is a phone app. Shh!

metal_clock

Number_9_Wall_Clock

Oblong-Gear-Wall-Clock1

pl13615-wrought_iron_wall_clocks_with_acrylic_cover

I like this one a lot.

recycled-bike-chain-ring-wall-clock2

Blip.

Wall clock

I know he is not a wall clock but I like him.

Glass-Covered-Triangle-Gear-Clock

Entropy-Clock

Unique-Creative-And-Attractive-Round-Wall-Clock-Design-In-Yellow-Color-590x598

Number-6-wall-clock_48120

wall-clock-broken-numbers

Wall-Clocks

Wall-Clock-This-is-a-wonderful-art-antique-flavor

wall-clocks

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07/12/11

Slacker Me

I am tired of writing about my stuff so I am going to share some things we have been doing with school. Yes, I do school all year round pretty much, it helps keep us on a schedule but we do have light months. The lightest months of our school year is October through December because with the holidays all of us are just too overloaded and overwhelmed so we take it easy then. Last month was kind of lax but we did go on a lot of outings and had some pretty cool adventures to several different beaches, a state park, the museum, and then a birthday of course. It was a pretty packed month. I was feeling like a slacker but now that I think about it, we did accomplish quite a bit.

Ariel has been picking out subjects she would like and I have been going with it.

Her most recent is reptiles (specifically King Cobra’s) and weather. We have several books on both subjects and I decided to tie in the living/non-living theme in with the whole animal interest. I recently found this site that is free that I like using when I haven’t pulled together detailed assignments for the week. I went with some crafts as well with the whole animal theme and we talked about environments, foods they eat, how they are different and the same. They had some funny stuff to say during our conversations. We were discussing what is our food, Ariel informed everyone that our meat is “actually, real chickens and cows” Daniel then yelled out “We are bad guys to chickens, cows and fish!” Meaning we kill them to eat them. Nice. Funny thing is that Daniel has refused to eat meat since the age of three.

We have been working on story telling also.

My focus has been on story building and poetry with the kids. Ariel and Joshua come up with detailed elaborate stories with their toys. Ariel said the other night that she likes being in her room alone so she can play out her stories. She said “I need my alone time to do that.” Joshua does it anywhere and doesn’t notice how loud he gets or how much space he has taken over. He will take over the entire living room on throughout the whole house if I let him. I have to be pretty quick to confining his “stories” otherwise in a matter of seconds the house is covered. I am trying to have them connect their stories into written word. Daniel has started adding his ideas as well but it is new and right now he is venturing out by using the scripts he has learned from Ariel and Joshua.

I think it is great that Daniel will soon start making up his own stories.

The big thing is that he is trying to add things to their play, he isn’t just quietly following, he is really being active in the roles. He takes on the characters and that is huge. They have been continuing to paint, Ariel has geared toward abstract more. She used to be very particular about creating a certain image but she is stepping out with blocks of color or swirls and I think that is awesome. She draws all the time and has a ton of pictures around here of stories that she writes with pictures. We have been doing a lot of music and dancing too. There is other stuff but it is basically regular school, I will not bore you with the details. I am trying new craft materials that I wasn’t able to try before because of lack of interest or possible fixations. We haven’t done any food activities lately so foresee some of that coming up. Fun, fun, fun!! Here are a couple more links that we enjoy.

kidsastronomy.com

Khan Academy Daniel is addicted to Khan Academy videos. He has only gone through the arithmetic section so far, he hasn’t watched all of them yet.

I got some pictures of our activities.

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Joshua painting.

Ariel painting.

Daniel painting.

She read these on her own and has wanted to use them for school.

Her favorite picture.

She picked these out for school.

Books Ariel has been reading on her own.

Joshua's cobra

Daniel's cobra

Daniel painting the barn.

Ariel painting a fence.

They got all of these right.

Their farm.

Daniel told me he wrote his name like that on purpose. :-)

Ariel's cobra

Daniel's words

Ariel's words she doesn't like space in between words.

Joshua

Ariel drew out her sentences instead of writing them.

Ariel (hee hee green cow)

Ariel

Joshua's explosions

Daniel's squigglies

Ariel's abstract

Joshua (not sure)

Ariel's swirly art.

Their butterflies. (living) :-)

Swirly glass bead art. (non-living) :-)

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07/11/11

Family Photos

On Saturday, I was feeling pretty good after reliving some of my childhood happy times through music and experiencing the dances and silliness I did while I was younger. (ok, even now at times) After that though the day quickly went downhill and I ended up having to deal with someone misunderstanding me, which led to me feeling like I had done something wrong even though I had not. This is an area I am really working through and starting to make some really great progress, however, when someone derails me like that I have to recoup. I was able to do it a lot sooner than in the past so that is a positive.

I had plans for the day with mom and the kids so I didn’t have time to work through the situation.

While at my moms I received an email explaining to me why they had responded to me in such a way and though I understood I was still having to deal with trying to process the whole thing. As the kids and I were sitting at the kitchen table at my mom’s house, she came in with a big hat box full of pictures. I didn’t know why she pulled them out until later, the day before she had told Joshua all about the castles she visited while we lived in Germany. Joshua loves castles, so do I and so does my mom.

She has a ton of photos of Germany and other countries they visited while living there.

She has a billion postcards as well from every place my parents went. I was there too, but I only know this because I am in the pictures. As I looked at the pictures I was overwhelmed with an emotion that I was not sure how to describe. And this is part of the reason why I shared about earlier in my day. I am not sure because I was already thrown off with my emotions if looking through these pictures had caused a more intense response from me. There were several things that popped in my head as I went through all of these photos of my childhood that I have no memory of, I will list them as they came.

Who were these people in the pictures?
My parents looked so happy and free, they looked hip and cool, they were together.

Had I ever seen my parents together and happy?
I have no memory of my parents together as a couple, let alone happy.

What happened to all of the cool stuff that was in their apartment?
I remember some of that stuff, my mom kept some and my dad did and each place they lived in was decorated in awesome Gothic or mid-evil looking items from Germany and Europe.

What happened to my dad?
He was so happy and soft in these pictures. I have seen glimpses of him like that and I have experienced him being happy. I have witnessed and experienced him being soft, a gentle caring man but not the way I witnessed in some of these pictures. I want to know that man in the pictures and I think that I always have longed for that. I feel that about him, like I feel the real him but it seems like it gets pushed down any time it starts to come up.

What happened to all their awesome clothes because I totally want them?

Why did I feel so sad, lost, and blank when I looked at these pictures?

Then came the thoughts about me. The first question popped up because it looked like I had bruises on my face. So these questions I asked my mom out loud.

Are those bruises on my face?
They were bruises and there were several pictures with my face showing bruises or dried bloody wounds healing. My mom told me that I was constantly running into walls, doors, falling, slipping, and was so accident prone that at 2 1/2 yrs old she requested that the doctor check my eyes. She thought that I couldn’t see. The doctor said that I was too young so I continued to have accidents. My mom was accused of beating me or hurting me. That was not the first time in my life that my mom was accused of hurting me in some capacity. While she did spank my butt and freak out at times she never hurt me like that. They were going to call the authorities on her when I broke my arm. They did not believe I did it by doing a cart-wheel off of the couch. But it is true that is how I broke it and what saved my mom was that I was at the babysitters when I did it.

Did I always have that blank face, not really blank, I don’t know?
Apparently, I seemed to be staring a lot or fixated on things with great intensity. I had not noticed these things about pictures of me before, I don’t even remember many of these pictures. Interesting. When I asked my mom about me during this time she said that I had always been very independent. I refused to let her feed me as young as she can remember but I would freak out when I had food on my hands or face. She would have to lay a sheet down on the floor and let me feed myself. I also refused to let her dress me. Or help me with anything. I asked her if she thought of me as a little adult because of how serious I always seemed and how independent I was, she thought that was most likely so. She said that I spoke like an adult also.

Then there were the many photos of me running around naked.

This is a family joke about me because I was quite the exhibitionist. There is one particular story about me as a child at the lake in Germany. I would frequently go to the middle of the lake and take my swimsuit off. I would start on the sand and my mom would put it back on but I got smart and took the inflatable boat to the middle and would toss it before my mom or dad could rescue it. I would swim and play in my happy nakedness. I would like to say those were the only times I did that but no, my escapades were not limited to our lake days in Germany. When we moved back to the states I was throwing my clothes off whenever possible and shoes and socks. I have no idea when I stopped, if I stopped. I am very particular with my clothes, they have to feel and fit a certain way or else I am cranky or will rip them off. I had a lot of questions about me and my behaviors answered but I also felt very disconnected and as if I was missing large chunks out of my life.

I am still processing all of it.

As I went through more photos I was amazed at the way people look now compared to then. I enjoyed seeing my grandmother be free and so jovial in her pictures when she and her girlfriend moved to St. Louis, MO, the big city. She was from a very small town in MO. Then seeing her through the years it seemed things were lost. She is a joy to be around, she seems so young and innocent sometimes and I love that about her. She is always a little girl but not in a bad way, it is just her joy, like a child. I saw the pictures of my other grandma and I was sad because we no longer have a relationship. She is locked up in her house, she is a hoarder and she seems to have severe social anxiety. She will not even visit or leave her home to see her children, grandchildren or great-grandchildren. She won’t even open her door to her children, this was a woman who knew everyone in town. She used to be so social and entertaining.

My aunts and uncles all seem so different.

The life that was once in them just doesn’t seem the same. I am not sure how to explain it or how I feel about it but I felt as if I don’t want to lose it. Whatever “it” is I don’t want it to disappear from my photos as I get older or from me as a person as I grow older. I want to keep it. I may sound crazy but that is the only way I can explain it. I don’t want to lose my memories or joy or life that lives in me. I am at a point in my life where I feel like a lot of my life was gone for a while and now that I have the chance to see it, I have to keep it. It is a bit overwhelming to look at pictures of my life as a child and see this whole world that was a part of me that I do not know. I do enjoy looking at them, though I do not remember, I feel happy about those times.

I know I am all over the place with this post.

I am writing my thoughts about something I don’t truly understand but I feel that I need to in order to help me gain understating. I decided to scan all of these pictures so I will not lose them and so my kids can see this part of my life and their grandparents life as well. I am going to share several of these pictures of me and my parents and a few of my grandmother’s. I did not put any up of the castles or anything that may be another post. I started to smile a lot the older I got, I noticed that. These pictures make me smile even though I have other emotions brewing as well. Hopefully, you will enjoy them too. Trying out another new slideshow plugin.

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Overloaded?? Shutdown?

Giggles

Tired?

I liked to suck on bottle nipples. :-/

I talked to that nutcracker in the background all the time.

Me and Mom

My first cat, I love this picture.

What is on my head?

This was my favorite dress, I wore it all the time.

Showing off my moves!

Recital day!

Me and Mom, I look pretty happy.

Woot! Pac-Man too!

E.T. Christmas! I remember this one.

I think this was going to be their album cover.

Hipsters!

My favorite pic of my mom and dad.

My dad happy. I love this picture.

"Mummy Mommy" My dad made her do this. :-)

??? My parents loved to dress up for Halloween.

Cool Dad

Dad

Mom as Alice Cooper and Dad as a werewolf.

My Dad or is this Sawyer from Lost?

My mom is still a goof.

Hipster Daddy

Me and Mom

Grandma G. (dad's mom)

Grandma A. (mom's mom)

Grandma A. (mom's mom) playing her guitar.

My grandma, Papa, mom and her brother.

Grandma A. (mom's mom)

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07/9/11

Flashbacks: Childhood Silliness

This morning something triggered some of my childhood memories about how I used to cope and escape into my own world. I think I have talked about it before but I can’t remember, I used to listen to music all the time. I had a portable record player that I brought with me wherever I could locate a plug. I would carry as many 45s as I could. My mom had a huge album collection, she still has at least half of it and she had a huge 45 collection. Many of them are still at my grandma’s house. Whenever I was alone at any of my family’s house you could guarantee that I snuck into the music collection and had it playing as loud as possibly while singing and dancing.

My grandparents had an awesome stereo, something like the picture but bigger and fancier.

Somehow when I was about 10, I ended up with my mom’s stereo like this in my room. I got to keep her collection and my collection of albums and tapes in my room and I always had music on. I spent hours, literally hours playing all kinds of music, singing, and creating dance routines.

I would move furniture out of the way and have an entire dance floor in the living room.

I would have to watch the time to make sure I had put all of the furniture back and my piles of changed clothes put back in the closet before anyone got home. If my mom would have seen that, OH BOY! My mom had some pretty awesome clothes and shoes so I would dress up in hers and pretend I was Diana Ross AND The Supremes, yes I sang all parts. As I got older I had my own strange mix of clothing so I would pull together some pretty rockin’ outfits for my stage presence.

I have always loved boots.

I remember one Christmas, I was 8 years old, I saw a pair of burgundy knee high boots. I begged for them, I said that was all I wanted if I could get those boots I would be happy. I got the boots and have continued to have a boot fetish. Why do I tell you this? Because, a lot of my “stage appearances” in my living room or in our family room in the back of the house had me with the vacuum cleaner as my microphone, some cool shades perhaps, an awesome outfit and some even more awesome BOOTS! I did wear boots and made up dances to “These Boots Are Made for Walkin’”. My mom likes Nancy Sinatra and had two of her albums. She has a very eclectic taste in music. We are not limited to any sort of style and have never been.

When I was younger and it was just me and my mom, we used to listen to music and dance all the time.

When MTV came along it opened up a new world to me and added visuals to my songs. It was great, sometimes when they would play a whole mix of different music. I remember the night MTV aired, I was with my aunts, they were babysitting and we all gathered around the tv while the little kid slept. There was my two aunts and my step-aunt and me, we were so excited and squealed when the video came on. We actually woke up the little kid and had to get him back to sleep, well my aunts did. I was younger and didn’t have to worry about it. OMG! I just realized that I was 8 yrs. old, my oldest aunt was 13 yrs old. The thought of my guys being up watching MTV in a few years is kind of….strange. I don’t know how I feel about that.

I really didn’t have a true understanding of what MTV was at the time though.

It was exciting and we ended up getting it when I was much older and we were able to afford cable. I digress, as I have been thinking of all of these floods of memories they make me smile. I never felt lonely with my music and I was quite entertained with myself being so silly. I can laugh at myself and I do often. I have a habit of mimicking people when they dance. Whether they are good or bad, I can pick up the dance usually and I just do it. I do this with people’s walks also. I have a load of fun being a complete goofball doing extreme Hip Hop moves with a silly face. I used to mimic the girls on MTV videos because it was so funny watching them act seductive but it seemed contrived. I know, I know that’s not nice but it was funny. Ok, it is funny and I still do this sometimes. I can’t help it!

I make myself laugh doing those things.

I also make myself laugh if I try to sing seriously. I will end up making it into an operatic voice or sing like the old gospel singers and for some reason I think that it is funny. As I have been writing this I have had several songs pop into my head that I would be goofy to, or made up dances for, or acted out whole scenes to the point of setting up a little cafe to these songs “Hey Jude” and “Let It Be”. For some reason I had pictured these in a French cafe and I was a dancer in the cafe. Silly. I also would listen to Hank Williams, Johnny Cash and Dolly Parton and pretend I was on Hee Haw! I am a goof! My grandparents had to watch that show every Sunday night before The Love Boat and Fantasy Island. I usually played while waiting for Fantasy Island, I liked that show.

My mom was obsessed with The Monkees as a girl and she had all of their albums.

The Monkees, Herman Hermits, and the Grassroots reunion tour was actually my first concert I went to (out of the womb), I was 11 or 12 I believe. There were many other musical influences in the house such as Fats Domino, Bing Crosby, Andrew Lloyd Webber, and many other “oldies or classics”. Then there was the other array of music like ABBA, Meatloaf, The Who, Grand Funk Railroad, Cream, Cher onto different music like Culture Club, Huey Lewis and the News and others that I let trail off because I started adopting my own style of music and went into more heavy metal and new wave music. I recorded hours of Head Bangers Ball and 120 Minutes on MTV. I was usually up most of the night anyway and spent my time watching these, listening to music or reading. During my teenage years my mom had a boyfriend who lived with us, after her divorce, he had a monstrous stereo system with a cd player!

He also had so many cds I can’t even remember how many.

He had two sides of the entertainment center full of them. There were three rows going horizontal, I can’t even remember how many shelves going down but it was a lot. I loved it when I was able to have the house to myself with his collection of music. It was awesome! He had a whole eclectic mess of music too. I memorized many of the albums that I listened to and even now when I listen to songs, I will remember the words and it brings back such happy times. When I found new music I would read all of the lyrics and listen to it over and over again if I really liked it. I still do this. I really felt at peace being silly with myself and pretending that I was on stage being various artists. It was great to feel and see the music and just be free to enjoy and laugh at myself when I discovered things like “Secret Asian Man” was actually Secret Agent Man. Or when I would try to do a flip or spin and would fall over my feet. I could laugh at my silliness and get up and try again.

Anyway here are some of the songs that I played as a youngster. (I know I have a lot of links, I tried to stop myself.)

1910 Fruitgum Co. “Goody Goody Gumdrops” Watch the tambourine guy! Oh, yeah I am SO doing that dance.

Hank Williams “Hey Good Lookin’” This was one of the songs my mom and I would be silly together with all the time. We would sing it out and about in stores or just riding in the car. It made us laugh.

Fats Domino “Blueberry Hill” This is another one of our songs we shared and we would do a dance called The Stroll to it. She taught me a lot of dances from the 50′s and 60′s.

The Supremes “Someday We’ll Be Together” I still remember my hand motions and facial expressions as I sang this song into my microphone. (vacuum)

Meatloaf “You Took The Words Right Out of My Mouth” Yes, I have a dance to this too but I liked to sing it more often than dance all over the place.

Jesus Christ Superstar “Everything’s Alright” I would sing this song when I felt nervous or scared when out and about. I would actually play this entire album and act out the whole thing.

ABBA “Dancing Queen” My mom and I danced to this all the time too. She loved ABBA, I dig them, I admit.

Those are only a few, I have to stop myself because I have a lot more that I want to put up here!!

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07/8/11

Daniel, Me & Empathy

Yesterday we were supposed to take my mom to drop her car off to be fixed. Against her better judgement she did not call to see if they were open. They were closed, on a Thursday…odd…and previously they had told her not to bother to call, “just hop on by”. We got back home and my mom was in a panic. Her plan had been derailed, she was freaking out about her car, the noise was too much for her and it was causing her major sensory overload. I was ready for her just to leave because she couldn’t calm down and it seemed at that point the best thing for her was to go home, but Daniel grabbed her hand and told her that she had to come inside.

My mom just wanted to go home, she was very upset.

Daniel with his charm, pulled her into the house and sat her down on the couch. He sat with her, holding her hand. My mom was still panicky and having anxiety, I just talked to her and told her how we could do it tomorrow, and that everything would be fine. And slowly you could see her become calm. Daniel still holding her hand, smiling at her, talking to her a little bit about his glitter globe and looking at her. I have to share at this point that prior to my mom’s arrival, Daniel had been in a full-blown meltdown and wrestling me because his headphones would not work in his computer and he didn’t understand my many futile attempts to fix it. It is still not fixed. I guess the drive helped a bit and then when we got home he could tell that Grammy was very upset.

There were other factors that led to my mom’s moment.

She felt bad for feeling as if she had wasted my time and gas. She had not eaten or taken her scheduled nap that she normally takes and she was all geared up to get her car fixed. All of these factors caused her anxiety and Daniel felt it. He then took her into one of the bedrooms to play with his toys and continued to try to comfort her, at one point he even rubbed her back. Since she had not eaten I got her some food and water to help her calm and Daniel came and sat with us at the table. He ate the same thing as her and told her that he was eating it too. While we sat there he would look at her and smile and then go about his business. When he felt that she was calm he got up and left and that was that. He used several of his own coping mechanisms to try to help her.

I had not noticed Daniel displaying this type of behavior before.

BUT the thing is I hadn’t been looking either. I have no idea how many times Daniel has felt empathy and tried to bring comfort to others. His ways are different at times, though yesterday he showed some pretty telling sympathetic behaviors. I wonder what other ways he has tried to show us that he is feeling us. I know that for me I do things, like send silly pictures or start acting goofy with people when I feel something. I will give a small gift or just sit with someone. I don’t have the right words most times unless I can write them out and I don’t do hugs well, but I can listen. I am a good listener and observer of needs. So another way that I show empathy is by paying attention to what makes people happy, such as a book, a song, a poem, or just tell them that I am thinking of them. I used to give things that I liked, at times I still do (I forget) thinking that they would enjoy it as much as me.

Daniel reminded me that I tend to compartmentalize ideals about certain things.

I guess empathy would be one that I have had a script for that I didn’t realize or I tend to only remember my failed attempts at it. I do have successful times as well. Later in the evening Daniel was reading a book and he came up to me asking questions like ‘What is she feeling?” and “Is he sad or mad?” Something happened yesterday when he felt my mom’s emotions and was able to comfort her because he has been asking me all day about what people are feeling and why. It made me realize that my many questions that I ask are from the heart of trying to have empathy. Elaina left this comment on my last post where I referred to myself saying that I didn’t ask questions because of empathy “I have spent time trying to understand and it has come from a place of empathy. I know you said it didn’t for you but, I wonder if you thought it some more you might realize it did? Idk I don’t want to presume but, I think the desire to understand where others are coming from is empathetic.”

After thinking about it more and watching Daniel, I believe it is true.

I will feel a persons emotions but will not know how to comfort them or show empathy the way they need so I start to ask questions. I have learned that what helps me does not help others. Many times my efforts have not been received well because the person felt I was being insensitive. A prime example was when my sister was getting married and I was unable to go to the wedding, I did not call her because I felt I would be intrusive and I knew that she had a lot going on. I did not want to bother her with a phone call while she was trying to get prepared for her big day. I later discovered that she wanted to hear my voice, she wanted to hear that I cared and that I was sorry that I was unable to make it. I didn’t understand why she was upset with me and hurt.

I now understand why she was upset.

But I only discovered that because I asked her. She was acting funny over email and saying odd things on Facebook, I didn’t understand her behavior so I asked her if she was angry with me. We talked it out and I apologized for not contacting her. That was an example of me imagining myself in her situation and for me I would not want a phone call. I would have been upset had she called me when I was under such stress. I have learned over the years to ask questions when I do not understand how to empathize or to comfort. I find it interesting that Daniel is connecting that way as well. Again I have learned a lesson. I need to remember my ways of showing empathy and understand that they are not wrong.

And also stay attune to others around me and their way of needing/expressing empathy.

It is also a bit interesting to me that this has come up when there are several posts that I have seen about autism and empathy but I have not had the chance to read them. I am looking forward to see what others have to say on the topic. And hopefully gaining more understanding and perspective with all of this. I am really happy to have witnessed and paid attention to how Daniel knew how to respond to my mother. I was ready for her just to go home. I don’t mean that in a bad way, I mean I really could not help her and thought the best thing for her was to go home. Daniel knew what she needed and I think I should keep in mind what he did for her because possibly that is how he wants to be comforted many times.

Funny thing is I can totally relate, sometimes the best way to comfort me is to just sit with me.

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07/5/11

Touchy Subject

It is no secret that I believe in God, I talk about Jesus and I have talked about my faith. It is part of me and it just comes out. It is no secret with people who know me that I have a lot of questions about God, I do not think that is a bad thing. In the past several years though I have had several challenging events in my life to wonder what it is all about. Why do I believe in God? Why when I sit and think about it can I not deny that He exists or is even intervening somehow in our world? I am not asking for answers to these questions, I am just sharing. At times I am perfectly fine and settled with what I feel and then other times I am thrown once again. I think part of my problem is the expectations of others. Those who expect me to believe in God the way that they do, and if I don’t, they try to convince me how wrong I am.

What is the point of personal relationship?

Doesn’t the statement “personal relationship” automatically imply that my relationship will be different? There are fundamentals to religions that cannot be left out but still shouldn’t there be freedom to have that independent relationship with God? I have been going over past thoughts, journals and blog posts where I have stated that I heard God or I felt like He told me to do something. What is interesting is that I cannot say with absolute certainty that it was truly from God. When I look back I see how easily I have been influenced by others. Their voices, ideas, interpretations have all had a strong influence on me because I had so many years of feeling wrong and unable to trust myself.

David and I have discussed the beginning of our relationship.

At that time I was doing pretty well at gaining my trust back toward myself. I was walking in my independence and I spoke my mind. I had anxiety issues but I was able to control them through taking my alone time. I really started thinking about what happened to me, somewhere over the years I have lost my voice, my independence, my trust in myself, and own thoughts. When I first spoke to David that one night and we went for coffee, I didn’t know what it was, as a matter of fact I was thinking platonically because I felt that I was supposed to speak what God told me to and then David was supposed to do whatever with that.

As I think about it, after that night I do not think David has left my side.

He contacted me the next day and the next. Slowly all of my alone time was gone. I started isolating myself from church and friends and I went on a mission to help David. Shortly after we moved to another state the roles reversed. It was clear that after the move I was completely derailed and became the focus of needing help. It has been that way ever since. We have been searching for all of my problems and how to fix me. Year after year I have called upon God to fix me. Asking Him why do I lack intimacy? Why am I disconnected? Why don’t I understand? Why are there so many things wrong with me? Why won’t my brain stop? Why, why, why? And every year we found no answers. Although, we did gain a lot of answers when I discovered and embraced my Aspie traits and sensory processing issues but it did not fix my lack of connection.

Again I am facing God and I am asking questions about the voices in my head.

I am not ashamed about saying that I may have been wrong in what I have heard in the past, thinking it was God. It is part of our spiritual growth. We see it for what it is and move on. I used to have a fear about being false and claiming that what I heard was from God. I have always been cautious with that but the thing is I have a 50/50 chance. Either I am right or I am wrong. It doesn’t change the fact that God is there for me. He allows us to mess up and even mess up in His name, even to the point of blaming Him for all of those speaking out of their own motives. I will confess now that I have been one of those people.

So what do I with this?

Here it is, I have learned a very big lesson. I have learned that I have been influenced and guided in my thinking for a long time. I have learned to be codependent on God and authority figures in an unhealthy way. I have learned that I need to think for myself and start trusting my instincts, while still being cautious. I have learned that my relationship with God is my own and no one can tell me what it is supposed to look like and I definitely do not want to tell anyone else what theirs is supposed to look like. My personal opinion is that God wants us to think for ourselves. As we grow in our walk with Him or even as those who do not believe in Him, the challenge is to be ok with changing. Discovering that it is ok if our thoughts, ideas and even beliefs change over time. I’ve written it before but I will say it again, I think that is what we are supposed to do.

I am ok with being wrong in this area…for the moment.

I will probably freak out a little later but for now I understand the many ways I have submitted to others thoughts and direction. I see how I could not discern what was right or wrong because I was bombarded with information and ideas. I wasn’t given the time or the quiet to process and work through my own way of reasoning. This is a pattern I have done my whole life. I see how at times I turn around and do the same thing to others because I have been shaken and I am seeking answers. This time around I am stopping it. I need to process on my own, find my own voice and think for myself. It is very hard but I know I can do it because I have done it before. The difference this time is that I cannot lock myself up from the world and sink into my own private world to do so. I have to learn to process while the other voices are hammering me but also telling them they are not allowed to guide my decisions or progress.

We’ll see where this ride takes me.

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