On Monday what looked like a Yin-Yang showed up in my coffee and I thought that was so funny. I had to take a picture. Yesterday I woke up to a yellow sky. I came out of the bedroom and through the window the sky was smiling yellow right at me. I had to take a picture. I have painted several paintings and have listened to some quite lovely music. In the midst of all of this the kids are still doing well after the big holiday hooray. I have been waiting for the ball to drop. It still has not, so I have been trying to keep focused, and accept this peaceful state.

The kids and I are just taking it easy.

We will start back to school next week. They have been playing with their new toys, and watching movies. The ones that have been on repeat are Megamind and How to Train Your Dragon. Both of which I am fond of so yea! Oddly Joshua is the one having a bit of a rough time this year. He has just been cranky and argumentative about the accuracy of stories, and Star Wars. It has been strangely calm overall…Alright I am taking it easy a little bit — I did read this Girls on the Spectrum: Q&A with the Author of Aspergirls and thought it had some great information in it. It taps on subjects that I have spoken about regarding myself. I will say again anything that I read that helps give me confirmation that I am not the only one helps me. The thing with my anxiety and random social fears is that it can temporarily make me forget certain truths.

Such as we are NOT alone.

When anxiety hits it seems to knock out my ability to remember that what I feel and deal with many others also experience. Accepting my anxiety and not feeling bad for having it is helping, but irrational thoughts still arise. It is good for me to continue to read things that remind me that it is ok to be this way, and that I am not going to miraculously change. I am how I am and Ooh La La that is all I will say. Hee hee

Given that I am not harmful, or destructive to myself of course.

I have been thinking about why I drank in the past lately. It is directly linked to some of my past relationships, I am sure that is why I have been thinking about it. I may talk about this in more detail with relationships and alcohol in a future post. This section of the Q & A got me thinking even more about it.

Do you think girls self-medicate in other ways too?

I have been asked that. I’ve interviewed many people and asked if they drink recreationally or smoke pot, and what I’m finding is we like to use drugs in small doses. But because our bodies are so intolerant, it almost seems like we can’t abuse [drugs too much] because we get so sick. We are so sensitive even to vitamins or prescription drugs. We tend to need one-third of what other people need.

-Rudy Simone-

I have not been a fan of drugs in anyway, but me and drugs…very bad…very bad.

That includes over-the-counter and prescription drugs. Painkillers make me hyper and they do not ease much pain, I have more luck with ibuprofen. Sleeping pills keep me awake and wired, NyQuil makes me pass out and feel drunk the next morning. Sinus medicine makes me feel like I am on speed. If I take a full dose of a multivitamin I will get hot flashes and dizzy. Anti-depressants make me feel suicidal. Um…yeah, drugs and me bad…very bad. When I did drink it was not recreational, I was on a mission. My purpose for drinking was to get drunk so I could be social. I would also drink so I would not think about anyone touching me. I used it to help me override my anxiety. I used it to block out my sensory issues. I used it to stop my brain from constantly analyzing. I would drink so I could sleep, really I would drink until I passed out.

I could not stop my brain from thinking and linking things causing me to think about more things.

I spent many nights alone with my books, movies, and music when I drank. It would drown out all of the loops from the conversations of the day. Or the situations that I was living in. Sometimes, like now, I could not make the loops stop. Although, in the last few months I have managed to get a grip on this by filtering it through writing, or directly telling the person that I am looping. This has helped to stop irrational fears as well.

I didn’t want to drink.

Many times it made me sick, there were several occasions where I believe the only reason I did not die from alcohol positioning was because I made myself get sick. I was not a good drunk. I don’t know if there really is a good drunk, but I mean my emotions, sensory issues, or social anxiety would manifest through different means when I was drunk. I thought it was helping, but it was actually making me worse. I think I could just get away with more things because I could say that I was drunk. I will not go into detail, but it is just not good for me. I had to stop drinking altogether because I cannot drink in moderation. Even now it has been so long that having a small glass of wine makes me all freaky Friday.

So I do not touch anything.

It is much like drugs, vitamins, and certain types of chemicals in food. They can mess with my mind and body. I am prone to addictive behavior, but now I see that much of that was because I would not allow myself to stim. Actually, I cannot think of anything now that I am showing that type of behavior with…maybe pictures, and reading information. I believe that allowing myself to paint has helped also. It is a good stim for me because I just paint whatever. I have no ambitions to be a great painter it just feels good. It has helped me in many ways to allow myself to attempt the things that I had previously told myself I was not allowed to do.

As I was writing this I wondered what my purpose for this post was.

I believe it is so I can see how far I have come. I spent a lot of time feeling guilty and shameful for drinking so much. I didn’t do stupid things other than get in heated arguments with people (mostly guys who I found to be obnoxious) when I was drunk. I did fall a few times, but I do that when I am not drunk so who cares. I just took a chunk of guilt feelings and eliminated them by writing this. I did what I had to do to survive during that time. It was the only coping mechanism I knew. Later it became God and church, I see how that can be detrimental as well. Now I am not forcing myself to do things that I don’t want to. I am not making myself feel bad for things that I am incapable of doing. I do not feel guilty, or wrong. I am finding that Yin-Yang state that I asked for in prayer for such a long time. In actuality I am starting to accept my balance. And I am very thankful for my yellow Tuesday that I have been waiting forever to see in reality.

I truly do not need to drink or do drugs for recreation because my world is already quite “trippy”.

Here are the pictures to prove it. I seem to be using a lot of blues in many of my paintings the last couple months. I guess I am in my blue period, though I am no Picasso…indeed. :- ) The Yin-Yang started to spread out before I could grab the camera so it’s not as tightly shaped as it was at first.

Added December 29th: I just realized that I wrote this on Monday “All of this stuff makes me creative and see the world with bright yellow goggles.” Then Tuesday morning the sky was yellow, how funny! Maybe it’s just my perception and I made up the yellow sky…but I do have other witnesses so I guess they are trippy too.

 

Alright after yesterday I could not let go of the thoughts about how I perceive things. I got really focused on perception, and the web search began. As I was explaining that I have a constant story going on in my mind I wrote:

I think that I do this because I know and have known my whole life that my perception can be off. In order to make sure that I am as accurate as possible I have created a lifelong story to maintain detailed memories. I will not say that I am 100% accurate in my perception, but my memory is quite good. Unless I am overloaded then, my short-term memory can get jumbled. However, I am usually able to keep an accurate memory, though my perception may be off.

Now that I think of it, my story telling is most likely scripting.

I have learned to control talking out loud the scripts that are racing in my mind or repeating what others say…most of the time. I still say things and I still type things thinking that people know what I am talking about. I forget that they cannot hear what is going on in my mind. Lol! The more I think about it I think that I may be wrong about my perception. My perception may not be that off. I believe I have found yet another source of anxiety that I can control. My fear of perceiving things wrong stems from me feeling like I am being judgmental instead of perceptive. Or that I am inaccurate in how a person feels based solely on their words and actions. I realize that most people do not share what they are truly feeling. I know that I have had this epiphany before, the problem is, I will not remember. It is a perception thing and people can change from day to day.

With some people the person they want you to perceive them as changes on a daily bases.

People who do that have caused me to doubt my own perception skills. It has also caused me to seek out as much information to create a lasting memory to help me know how a person feels about me or about others. My mix up with the definition of perception and being judgmental was picked up by me while I was around certain groups of people. I also got the mix up from family members throughout my life. It has caused me to doubt what I feel/see, be anxious, and then be consumed with irrational thoughts. (I plan on doing a whole post about irrational thoughts at some point.)

In one of the shows I talked about yesterday, they showed a screen of words that were colors.

Instead of the letters being red for the word red, they were yellow. Or the letters in the word yellow were green. I do not know if those were the exact colors because I was in the middle of brushing Daniel’s teeth, but when I would look up and saw each word, I shouted out the correct word, not the color of the letters. Here is a picture that may help get a feel of what I mean.

Based on the definition of perception I was actually very perceptive while many other people were not based on the TV program.

It got me thinking about me, autism, and perception. I thought about the times that I have been very perceptive, but others convinced me that I was wrong. After years and years of having this done to me, I finally accepted that I lacked any perceptive skills. However, that goes against who I am and how my brain works. Those with sensory integration issues, like myself, are VERY perceptive of their surroundings (sometimes it may be detailed, and specific). Many times it looks like we are not because we shutdown. Or go into meltdown mode. The intensity of emotional, physical, and sensory combined can be too much to bear at times.

It is much like empathy — we do not lack it many times we don’t know what to do with it.

There have been many occasions when I knew that people were lying, or they were not very nice people. I would voice my concerns with others and they would tell me that I was wrong. Have you ever noticed that many charismatic people tend to gain the trust of the masses? Have you ever heard of the famous doctor serial killer Marcel Petiot? He was supposedly very charismatic, charming, intelligent, and a doctor! Even though he had gotten busted for thieving while he was mayor, people still supported him. He continued to steal and be shady — I guess he remedied any issues by moving to Paris and using his charms there. (Until he got caught, that is.)

I find all of that so interesting because we as humans can be so easily swayed.

We can doubt ourselves based on group think, or status think. Many bullies get away with things because the perception is, they are a good student, a star athlete, or a teacher’s pet. Many people in our lives can convince us that what we perceive is wrong based on their own fears, insecurities, or desires. I personally have had so much hope in the good of people that I have challenged my own gut instincts, and changed my perception. I think my mom and David have been the only two to see me consistently call out people who are not being honest, forthright, or deceptive.

Thinking about it more I do have several friends who have witnessed this with me.

I forget that I do have several friends that I have kept for over 10 years. My bad…My memory is proving to fail me.   I had learned to not say anything and to sit in doubt and confusion. Both of them have also caused me to question myself as well, but I know that they were not trying to hurt me. (They tend to be distrustful of people.) I have been right about people being good when others have perceived them as bad as well.

They had their own personal reasons, but I felt confident enough to challenge them after a while.

I still was not sure of myself and would loop about what I thought, what I saw, what I heard, why they did not believe me, and a zillion other questions. After watching some of these videos, reading some more information, and also going over my perception skills, I have come to the conclusion that I am not as far-off as I thought. We have to learn to trust our instincts, but also know that we can be heavily influenced by our wants, fears, other people’s perceptions, and how we view the world. I am going to work on fine tuning my perception skills so I can trust myself a little bit more. I know, just like my memory it will not be 100% accurate, (no one is) but it is worth it to stop anxiety and irrational thoughts.

I read through this article again Navigating Love and Autism and compared some things to my own experiences.

The section about Kristen and her boyfriend at the time hit a nerve. It made me recognize how I picked up a faulty perception of myself based on many similar words spoken to me from family, friends, and ex’s. The section begins with this:

“Kirsten’s two previous boyfriends had broken up with her, too, and her current boyfriend was an unlikely match — a charismatic extrovert with soulful blue eyes who thrived on meeting new people. But when she admitted at the outset of their senior year in high school that she envied his social ease, he had embraced the role of social coach.” (emphasis added)

As I read many of the comments that her ex-boyfriend made to her it was a flash of my own life.

I see how people in my life have perceived me as cold, rude, uncouth, and juvenile at times. They would then decide to take me under their wing to guide me into proper social “fitting in” ways. It would work for a while, but I always end up saying or doing something not “right”.   The whole article is packed full of greatness, and it helped me to gain a bit more understanding about myself. It is also a great resource to help the kids as they get older. I am so happy to have people of all ages opening up and sharing their stories, it is going to pave a path for our kids to succeed so many ways.  Hopefully it will help change the perception and stigma in a lot of areas not only autism. I have a lot more to ponder so I am going to stop with that.

I watched these videos that were interesting as well:

Beau Lotto: Optical illusions show how we see

In this talk about optical illusions at the end he is explaining how they are transforming color into sound, I chuckled a bit because my mind already does that.

BBC Horizon: Do you see what I see? “The Himba tribe”

I did point out the different green square before they pointed it out. I can’t find the rest of the video.

Do You See What I See? (I can’t get this one to play, but maybe some of you can.)

Update: I have currently tried to correct this post 8 times, and I am driving myself batty. If there are any inconsistencies or if I am not making sense, just let it slide. I have gotten brain clutter I think from everything I consumed, and I am having a hard time filtering. So now I am going to go paint. Dippity-doo!

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All of my fixations can be directly linked to my special interests. I call them fixations because they are not exactly my special interests, but feed into them. My main special interests would be spirituality, numbers, music, and literature (words in any form really). I make direct links to all of them in my mind and they branch out into other links. The brain and how it works I link to all of the interests I have mentioned, as well as space, nature, people, food, and many other things. If I see a picture I can link it to a number, or something that I read in a book, or saw in a movie. If I hear a word I can many times link it to a sound, a song perhaps, or the brush of wind blowing on a particular day years and years ago.

I didn’t realize it until last night that I am constantly telling myself a story.

I know that I am always talking in my head, but I didn’t grasp what I was doing until last night. Pause. Quantum leap ahead for a moment. I have been getting sucked into the National Geographic Channel recently, last week I watched Do Parallel Universes Exist? And then last night I watched Brain Games.  I would like to go into great detail about parallel universes, but I will control myself. I admit it is very hard. David mentioned an article sent to him by his father this morning about Quantum Entanglement and I got so excited. I had never heard of that, I started jumping up and squealing asking: “Oh, What is that?” I did hand flap and said: “Come on Sock Monkey, let’s go find out about quantum entanglement!” (While grabbing my sock monkey.)

Um…that would have been ok had David not been in the middle of a conversation with me.

Oops! I tried to contain myself to listen to him, but it was a little hard. I did apologize. See sidetracked again quantum leap back to the Brain Games section. They showed one on memory last night and it was so interesting. They had a simulated mugging, which the eyewitnesses did not know. They then questioned the eyewitnesses through various sets of inquiries, while the TV audience could participate as well. I could not believe all of the details they had forgotten and how they even confused them. My memory was spot on throughout the entire thing. (No, I did not use the DVR.) However, the one on perception well… I will say that I knew my brain has been messing with me my entire life. It’s so tricksy!!

I knew that my brain was missing something when they would give the perception tests.

It felt like all of my neurotransmitters were being forced to believe what was not true. I understood the false perception, but I could not make my brain stop seeing it as true. It captures my imagination so much that at times I have to cut myself off from this stuff. It is much like up in space, the galaxies, and the spreading blanket of blackness that is out there swimming with stars and planets. I get so wrapped up that I can lose myself here, or get really freaked out and panic at how big it all is.   The comprehension of our minds and how much our perceptions can be off can consume me.

I link it all to my special interests listed above.

Everything that we feel, think, see, or experience is filtered through some perception. Our perceptions are filtered through our experiences that may or may not be accurate. This brings me back to my original statement about telling myself a story all the time. In the memory video the neuroscientist said that our brains are wired for storytelling. We remember details much better when they are given through means of a story.

Everything that I experience is through a nonstop narrative going on in my mind.

I think that I do this because I know and have known my whole life that my perception can be off. In order to make sure that I am as accurate as possible I have created a lifelong story to maintain detailed memories. I will not say that I am 100% accurate in my perception, but my memory is quite good. Unless I am overloaded then, my short-term memory can get jumbled. However, I am usually able to keep an accurate memory, though my perception may be off.

Pictures are linked to stories, linked to movies, linked to songs, linked to faces.

It goes on and on. I have a never ending tale going on in my mind at all times. It gathers details and information and automatically converts into lyrics, poems, stories, and songs. I cannot recall a time ever that I have not had this going on, but I was also not wholly aware of it. I gain more and more understanding about this through reading things from people on the autism spectrum and other people who experience Synesthesia, or who are kind of quirky like me. I thought everyone did this. I thought everyone saw visuals in their mind, saw letters and numbers with colors, saw the vibrations floating in the air. I thought everyone was as interested in my interests and also that they experienced them in the same way. Some do share in my experiences, the majority do not.

No matter how many times I read or I am told this I do not remember because that is wrapped in perception.

When I seek out information about something I am not limited to what or why I am seeking it. Take my questions about my German ancestry — there was a series of other connections that made me question my mom about them. Granted I did want to feel connected to family, I also probed her about information about my dad’s family, and our Irish, English ancestry on her father’s side. BUT I wanted to know more about the German side because I had been reading about German mathematicians, writers, scientists, and artists. I was reading about them because a while ago I found a Google doodle that I loved.  (I have it on my desktop) It was for Mikhail Lomonosov’s 300th birthday. As I read about his education abroad, I connected other things that I had read not too long ago.

Then my grandma came to town which it is her family that came over from Germany.

This would be another reason for my questions about my ancestry, they are all linked. I do the same thing with my dad when I am with him about our American Indian (I do not know what is politically correct) ancestry. I think in my mind I may have wanted all of the questions answered to better understand myself. I want a correct history and perception so I have asked a lot. Each time during my interrogations I get more and more details and also bring up any inconsistencies. The whole time writing a story in my mind with words, sensory, and whatever colors my brain is tricking me with. My other fixation with Germany could very well be that I lived there as a child and I don’t remember, I have always wanted to go back, and it feels like I left something there. (My dragon maybe?? )

There is an American Indian museum in my hometown that I would literally beg my mom to take me to.

I always wanted to go there. I begged my grandma as well — she actually worked there several years ago. I don’t know why I wanted to be there, I just felt comfortable while I was there. I explored the homes, studied their artifacts, soaked in the history, and there were parts of it that were in a huge wide open field that I would just run and run in. They would let me run, leap, do my cartwheels, and flips as I laughed. I think my mom enjoyed watching me do that because she was happy I was not doing it inside our small trailer, or off of the couch.

Well there it is my brain swelling with all kinds of stuff again.

Back to my original quest here, my current fixations. The National Geographic Channel, Quantum Entanglement Wiki, The Ulam Sequence (Wiki Ulam), Kepler Mission, and relationships with people in general, but I did read this today Navigating Love and Autism. You may not see the connections, but they are all linked in my mind and contribute largely to my special interests. It is fairly certain that I am in an information gathering cycle right now. But all of these findings have been confirmation for me with things that I have been writing and it makes me happy. Oh, I forgot to mention my obsession with The Vatican Library that I briefly watched something about on 60 minutes last night, (in between Masterpiece Theater and the Bulls vs. Lakers) and I got so excited I didn’t realize that I was talking to the TV. :-/   The treasures hidden in there…sigh…

All of this stuff makes me creative and see the world with bright yellow goggles.  

For those who understand my number thing I just have to share this tidbit:

“Rose scored 22 points and hit a short go-ahead shot with 4.8 seconds to play, and the Bulls rallied from an 11-point deficit in the final 3:44 for an 88-87 victory over the Los Angeles Lakers on Sunday”

Look at those numbers!! Ha ha ha I just noticed that this is my 422 post.

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I love it when this happens. If I am feeling some way or I am feeling a little insecure about what I share then poof another blog post is written by someone or I discover an article, book, song, or movie that takes it all away. The words articulate what I am feeling or confirm what I am feeling, and it helps me process. I was feeling much better after I wrote my last post about crying, it helped a great deal to write and understand myself. In the past I would waste time on negative self talk, asking myself what was wrong with me or tell myself that I was being ridiculous. I am not ridiculous, what I feel and go through many others do too.

This morning I went on fb.

I really do not know why I usually do not go on there very often during the holidays — I find all of the “new” loving, sweetness, and holiday cheer, to be disturbing at times. My feeling is that it feels insincere, and trite. Not everyone, just particular groups of people that I have to be friends with. Rant much? Anyway, I went on there and looking right me was this A Letter to the Lonely. It speaks with great clarity the feeling of the holidays for me.

This year is very different from my holidays past.

Despite still feeling alone, I know that I am not alone. I wrote the other post because I know this year that others do feel like I do even if I feel like I am the only one. This year I am happy, I have not felt any sort of happiness in past holidays for a very long time. I am happy because I know that I am not the only one feeling the way I do. I have people out there who I do not see or talk to on a regular basis, but I feel connected to them. The feeling of disconnect makes everything feel lonely. This year I understand that I get overloaded, and I am allowed to express it.

I am allowed to share my feelings, tears, laughter, and frustrations.

This year I am happy because I understand myself a little bit better, and I am ok. I know that I am always going to feel like I do not belong because I don’t. No matter how much I try, I will not understand the world around me. I can get educated and comprehend to some degree, but I will never “get it” completely. Every holiday I am usually alone on my computer or cooking, and I leave David with the kids. The holidays are the only times that David stays down all day long. I get to do what I want…mostly. I still do all of my mommy duties, but I get a little bit of time.

I really don’t mind being alone, it’s the feeling like I am alone that gets me.

Gaining the perspective that others feel this way too somehow makes it alright. I just feel much better this year. I don’t know how to explain it, other than I am calmer and more at peace. I am alright with having a shutdown or a meltdown. I have shed a lot of tears over several months now, but all of them have been mixed with laughter. They have been healing tears, tears that I have held in for decades. They are happy tears from decades of confusion rolling off of me. I cried before, but I never released them. I still held on to all of the things that the tears represented. This year I have been letting them go, they took flight, and caught some other’s tears along the way.

I took back my holiday months so far, we’ll see how I do for New Years.

It will be 2012 and I am excited about a 20 and a 12 being in the picture they are both lovely numbers.   I am happy about Daniel drawing some great pictures yesterday too. This is HUGE! I think around April he started drawing circle faces, and I was so excited about that. Now he has progressed to a bear, a Santa, a ginger bread house, and what he calls “my designs”. They are great! Joshua has progressed in his drawings as well so I must show his creations. And Ariel continues to get very detailed and expressive in her drawings.

Their pictures make me so happy! (I have a ton…big surprise!)

 

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I have had a love affair with the iPad this month. I have used it with the kids for some time now, and it is great for them. Though I do have to limit it because it is quite visually stimulating. I have not heard of other parents talk about this, but if I let them stay on for too long, even over 15 minutes depending on the app they get brain frenzied. There are certain educational apps that are better than others in this area. They are not as stimulating and do not cause a serious overload, but it also depends on how the kids are feeling on that day. They can either go in brain shutdown or complete overload. I am not sure if others experience this too with their kids. Everything I have read speaks about how great it is for their autistic child. (Or maybe I have heard of something, but I am so out of it I can’t remember.)

Oh, well every child is different.

Personally I only used it off and on, I was fascinated by it and wanted to play with it, but it did make me very dizzy. There was too much movement and my head would feel off after going on there. I don’t play games so I wanted to do other things on it, but would get too vertigo-ish feeling. BUT when I had the flood of words coming out of me and I couldn’t stop I needed a computer attached to me as I was with the kids, or sat at my mom’s dog sitting, or whatever I was doing. The kids would do some school work and I worked on the iPad. How did I remedy my dizzy dilemma? I hooked up a keyboard to it and for some reason it seemed to help me. I didn’t have the same problems as I had before.

My theory is that having to use the touch pad and then trying to type as well was too much for my brain to process.

Possibly there was too much concentration going into pulling up, trying to remember where the letters and numbers were, putting it back down, going back to one app, then to another, going to Safari, then back to my documents, searching, having to use my fingers differently, and the many other things that were requiring me to think longer than I normally have to. Change, and it’s not mine. I am used to tapping the keyboard keys and most everything is right there for me. I truly became much faster and less chaotic once I attached the keyboard. I also had to get over my whole feeling that the iPad was tainted.

I have been rather rambunctious about getting my own iPad.

David doesn’t understand, and I am not sure how to explain it. I JUST WANT MY OWN! I don’t want anyone else touching it. Just like my computer. I do not want anyone touching it, looking at it, thinking about it, licking it, nothing! It’s my PC and I want my own iPad. Yes, I can be quite the child when it comes certain technological devices. I want my own mp3 player, with no one touching it or knowing what I have on there. I used to be that way about the TV, but not so much anymore, although I am quite the dictator over what is allowed on it. I am this way with my books, my school stuff, my clothes, my shoes, MY STUFF. It’s mine. However, we cannot afford another iPad so I have to share.

After having kids my attitude has changed in the area of sharing, nothing is mine.

EXCEPT my PC, and one day I will have my own iPad to fall madly in love with and keep by my side. I will hug him, and squeeze him, and love him forever. Until then I will just have to share, and have affairs off and on while the kids or David are not using it. Who knew a lovely flat screen, little beauty could make me so happy, it has so many wonderful apps for me to use, it plays whatever music I want, movies, and let’s me type to it, and talk to it forever without ever tiring of my topics. It seems genuinely interested. It helps locate information, feeds my brain with knowledge and ideas, and NOW I can have all of that in my lap! Not like a bulking laptop, that crashed on me and abandoned me in my time of need. I won’t talk badly of him, but Mr. Laptop could have tried a little harder. He wasn’t as cool anyway. iPad and I will be a bit more involved in the coming weeks. Hm..Maybe I should try the keyboard with the kids.

Yes, I love the iPad, and I am not ashamed. (Until I get my own, I kid! maybe)

Yes, I did spend entirely too much time looking up iPads, and accessories. And I did end up spending too much time looking at other gadgets as well. It is a weakness. “I Love Technology” Can you tell I have gone into silly sensory/social overload? Meltdown mode right around the corner I am sure! Maybe not if I keep making myself laugh.

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Interesting how things just seem to pop up when I have been pondering and thinking about them. Jay Blue’s YouTube video appeared on my facebook feed and I had to check it out, since I have been working through relationships and all. I have read through a great deal of it already, but I do plan on spending more time reading it since I am in an overloaded state and miss some things like this. From what I have read I think it is a very good guideline for Aspie girls looking for love with NT guys. (It could be good for men as well.) I WISH that I would have had something like this for me years ago. It would have helped me so much, and my mom would have benefited as well. It also would have helped a great deal if my peers were not pressuring me to date and focus on guys.

But that is in the past, moving on.

If you would like to get a free copy of the guide here is the information:

EMAIL introspectroom@gmail.com to receive a FREE PDF copy of “AN ASPIE GIRL’S GUIDE TO FINDING LOVE IN THE NEUROTYPICAL WORLD”

Here is the rest of her information as well.

JAY BLUE
Autistic writer & Public speaker

LIKE my page and receive autism-related news and events
www.facebook.com/jayblue3000

See my blog on:
http://introspectrum.blog.com

You Tube:
http://www.youtube.com/user/CuriousColours

I have no doubt that I will end up discussing the information as I see my own patterns and relate to what she has written. I already had a moment of being overwhelmed with flashbacks of all of the wrong things that I have done in relationships. I would say my first mistake would be picking the wrong guys. There is an important question that she brings up in the first part. The question asked is “Why do you want to be in a relationship?” in hindsight had I thought to ask myself the reasons why I was in relationships, or wanted a relationship, I most likely would not have been in them. Another section she shares “Alarm Bells or signs that he is not genuinely interested or only “semi-interested” (i.e. he is “stringing you along” until he meets someone else or he only wants you for sex) I’ll had or “money”.

Yes, that section would have been nice to have a long time ago.

I have gone through some of the guidelines sections and I think they are very good and helpful. So far, what I have read has been very good and the most important take home for the moment is to respect yourself, set standards, and boundaries. All of the things I did not learn! Blah! Oh, well you are never too old to learn. I am looking forward to spending more time reading this. Go get yours!!

It’s free! And check out her blog, there are some good reads on it!

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I read this post “A Girl You Should Date” this morning, and thought it was quite grand. It made me giggle thinking of Ariel, and then feel a bit sad because it is going to take one smart fella to keep her. If she even wants someone in her life that is. She did say that she is going to have three kids so we’ll see how that plays out, plenty of time. Who knows by then maybe it will like Gattaca. The boys will have their challenge as well because I am not sure I (or they) can handle any girls in their life who is not a reader, it does not have to be what I read, but they will need an understanding of paracosm for sure. Maybe I could teach the love of reading…I am a mind wanderer today. (A lot going on here.)

I also have to share that this post is timely.

I finished my book a couple of days ago, and I am in the editing process. I started to feel a bit insecure about the story and wondering if it was worth it to keep going. After reading the post, it gave me a kick to keep going. The story is my two worlds of reality and fiction, ironically the main character is a reader, the setting at times is in an old bookstore, and she has a love for words. Hmm…I just need to complete it so I can say that I did it.

I smiled at this section for sure:

“It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas and for anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in poetry, in song. Give her Neruda, Pound, Sexton, Cummings. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but by god, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does.

She has to give it a shot somehow.
Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world.

Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who understand that all things will come to end. That you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two.

Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilight series.”

– Rosemarie Urquico –  

The characters are always real, whether in the book or the movie remake.

All the characters I read are a part of me and fully live and breathe while I am reading them. I think that is yet another reason why I cut off my fiction reading for so long. I admit, I fall in love with them, and can find myself being sympathetic to the villains. Some villains use the best words! The section about lying above, I want to clarify that type of lying I get when it is through word play with a person I understand or connect with. A playful banter of flinging wonderful words, making love in the mysteries of discovering what is truly meant, and how they all manifest their multiple meanings. Words are indeed love for me. I only have my poems to have word plays with, they keep me cheery and balanced….mostly.

I am babbling today, trying to stop a holiday rant. Ha ha ha (I am seriously overloaded, and now doing a garage sale this weekend. Yikes!)

On to completely different topics now, I read some other things recently that I thought were good too. I am really all over the place, but it helps me focus to read when my brain is like this. I will stop with these. Sharing.

The Truth About Lies (The list given to discover if the person is lying is too much work, I don’t know if it would be worth it for me. I’m exhausted just thinking about it.)

Regardless of what you believe, this next one about homosexuality is good to read and ponder.

Love the Homosexual, Hate Homosexuality

Love Is Blind, Marriage Is the Eye-opener

Between Real Science and Fake Science

Facing My Fears About Learning

Surviving the Holidays with Autism

This last one is an excellent reminder, especially for the holidays.

Delayed Reactions

 

 

This post is going to be a mix of stuff. It is one of my mind dump posts because I have been consuming so many different things that I need at least some of them to get out to clear my mind. Aww, the way my brain processes.  First on the list an article that I read it made me think about how at times I have had inappropriate facial expressions while someone is angry with me or sad even. My kids and I are very bad at laughing or smiling when someone is upset. I have burst into laughter or couldn’t stop smiling when Joshua or Daniel have had horrible screaming meltdowns. I don’t want to. I try to stop, I cover my mouth, I don’t let them see me, I run out of the room, but sometimes I can’t stop. I am not laughing or smiling at them at all, inside I am hurting for them, I am wanting to help them.

It is the strangest thing. 

I have done this a lot in my life when people are angry at me, oh, gosh have I gotten in a lot of trouble. All of the kids do it to me too when I am upset at them, or if I have an angry face. They will start laughing at me or smiling. Most times I do not get upset, there are sometimes though that their deeds require a serious mom. I still have a hard time not smiling when they start doing that. When I cry as well, they come up and smile in my face. Daniel will laugh and ask: “Why are you crying?” and just giggle away. I have known that they are not doing it out of disrespect or being defiant, it is how they respond. I understand it because I do it too. They would never mean it in a hurtful way, they are very sensitive and compassionate kids. In our household it actually helps us quite a bit, when we get each other smiling or laughing about a situation it helps us be able to talk about it. It helps not to go into shutdown mode.

After I read this article What the Face of Love Looks Like I thought possibly, we are just showing our faces of love to each other.

“That’s the face of the love for you, or at least one of them. The restraint to avoid fighting fire with fire. The ability to absorb rather than return the hostile volley. The instinct to try take the edge off a partner’s negative emotional state.”

(Let me add that the hilarity of the Whitesnake video added at the end really won me over with this article.)

Speaking of love…

This article 4 Psychological Processes That Are Ruining America was very thought-provoking indeed. I connected it to my previous self-worth posts, by really pondering each of the four processes. I do feel they express an issue with how we evaluate our own self-worth and the worth of others. I like to challenge my thinking, I like to dig around and expose where I have accepted fallacies, I don’t know why I just do. So when I read something like this, I go through my own thinking and try to change where I have fallen into them. As best of my ability, I never knowingly operate in The We-They Feeling, Blaming the Victim, Diffusion of Responsibility, or Egocentric Biases. I suppose most people would say that as well, they do not knowingly operate in these processes. I would hope no one would once they discovered that they were. I like how at the end of each segment there is a simplified solution to think about. I am not going to go into my opinions, I suggest reading it yourself and see what you think.

Some other fascinating videos and articles that I have found about music and neuroscience.

Musical Minds was suggested to me by a friend months ago, unfortunately our TV channels here did not air it, but I finally found it online last week and found it to be quite interesting.

I am in the process of watching (listening)  Explorations from Music and Neuroscience – Ep. 628 as I am typing this right now. Wow! I am at 15 minutes with this video and so far it is very intriguing, I can’t wait to see what else he shares. (I hope it works for everyone I cannot find it on Youtube or anywhere else.) He just quoted an excerpt from this:

Secene 1: Where Everything Is Music

Don’t worry about saving these songs!
And if one of our instruments breaks,
it doesn’t matter.

We have fallen into the place
where everything is music.

The strumming and the flute notes
rise into the atmosphere,
and even if the whole world’s harp
should burn up, there will still be
hidden instruments playing.

So the candle flickers and goes out.
We have a piece of flint, and a spark.

This singing art is sea foam.
The graceful movements come from a pearl
somewhere on the ocean floor.

Poems reach up like spendthrift and the edge
of driftwood along the beach, wanting!

They derive
from a slow and powerful root
that we can’t see.

Stop the words now!
Open the window in the center of your chest,
and let the spirits fly in and out.

Last article I will share The Neuroscience of Music.

I can get so sidetracked with neuroscience, I have always been fascinated with how the brain works and why it does what it does. I guess that is why I had so many friends that were psychology majors. I didn’t have to go to school I just picked their brains with a billion questions and read their textbooks. Now I also read neuroscience books to go along with it! Yippie!

I really want to get this book Emotion and Meaning in Music  along with several thousand others. Ha ha ha

Alright I think I got enough out, I confess I am in a consuming information loop because my grandma came to town, change. I took my mom and grandma to the airport this morning because they are going on a really awesome TCM cruise this weekend. Then, my wonderful, jolly, white hair grandma (the kids call her “Grandma with the White Hair”) will be staying here until the 19th. I am taking care of my mom’s dog Fitzy, so that is throwing our schedule all off. These are all good things, and ok I am just trying to adjust this morning. I am actually doing quite well. I believe that I can focus on the rest of my day now. I will leave you with a photo that my mom says sums her up completely.

Yes, that is her Santa and Flamingos. Awesome! And it is true that can sum up my mom completely when she is wholly being herself.

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Yes! It’s the brain I am interested in. You will know what I am talking about if you watch this video. “Ask Dr. Tony” October 2011 – Sensory Issues, Special vs Intimate Friends and “Intellectual Orgasms” People misinterpreting my intentions with me being intellectually stimulated by them has caused me some great problems in the past. There is a lot there for me to process. I love a good brain that I can ask a billion questions of and have a “Intellectual Orgasms” as Dr. Tony Attwood states in the video. A lot of the time my interest in men has been interpreted as having different motives by them, their girlfriends, or my significant others, and in many cases I have been sickened and confused by discovering that someone thought I had other intentions. My intensity in wanting to hear what people have to say about my special interests or other intriguing things makes me seem a bit too “friendly”. I have had girls misinterpret me as well thinking that I was interested in them in a more intimate way.

Those things usually do not cross my mind in conversation. 

I admit I do tend to have asexual qualities about me in the broadest sense. Shh! Taboo! I can define it like this, I am definitely more interested in someones mind and what ideas they have to share than physical attraction. I have been attracted to people, but it is not the same as what “normal” people feel. I do tend to be attracted to parts of people and the largest part is their mind. It is rare that I find the whole person as a complete attraction for their mind and physical, friend or otherwise. I do have to have a certain physical attraction, not in the sexual sense toward friends.

They have got to have certain features that I find appealing.

It does not have to be everything about them, if I enjoy their mind and certain features it works well. Though I will add that the features do not have to be attractive in the “world” sense it is what I find attractive. I had one friend that I thought was fabulous because their hair was all curly and wild. It was ok because they never tried to pretend that they were perfect. Their personality and mind fit their hair so it became an attraction and made me smile. Other friends or boyfriends I would be attracted to the color of their eyes, hair, or possessions they had, like books or music. Things that intrigue me are attractive to me.

I am accepting this about myself.

It is hard to admit and very hard for people to understand when I try to explain it. They seem to always have hurt feelings. It is quite helpful to watch videos like this so that I won’t feel guilt or shame for loving a mind more than a body. I feel quite exposed here, but I think it is something that should be talked about. I have been researching and watching documentaries about love, marriage, sex in the United States, and really digging into the stigmas and ideologies that are wrapped into these things. My findings have led me to the history of marriage and the development to what the current ideology in most of the Western cultural mindset. I have been looking into this for months and find it very interesting.There were times in my life that I never wanted to get married and I was told that wasn’t right. I was also condemned for living with my boyfriends. The pressure to marry was intense. I found (find) it confusing and a double-edged sword.

I have no answers about relationships or marriage.

I am not going to get into discussions about marriage or relationships because the bottom line is every relationship is different and you never know what is going on in people’s lives. Plus I have no clue! I cannot and will not make a judgement against people and their relationships, it has been done against me too many times to count. And there is a whole other gamut when it comes to being on the Autism spectrum and being in relationships. There are no simple answers and there are many other factors to consider. Enough of my rant for the day here are some videos I watched. Some may not be PG, just sayin’.

OMG! Yes, I am so happy for this first video! Thank you, Dr. Tony!

“Ask Dr. Tony” July 2011 – AS and Feelings

“Ask Dr. Tony” July 2011 – AS and Relationships

“Ask Dr. Tony” July 2011 – AS and Sexuality

Inside Out: My Life With Asperger Syndrome  (I could relate to such of this video)

I found this documentary very interesting as well dealing with sex in America.

Let’s Talk About Sex

I found this one to be very eye opening in a lot of areas.

51 Birch Street

The website 51 Birch Street

I need to watch this whole documentary again, it had a lot of information to process.

The Mystery of Love on PBS

PBS site

Very interesting article.

Keeping Marriage Alive with Affairs, Asexuality, Polyamory, and Living Apart

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I have given myself an “either/or” mindset about emotions and my intellect. Part of that really manifested during my church time. There was a separation between the logical mind and the “spiritual” (emotional) mind. They are not allowed to fuse in many Christian theologies I experienced. My opinion is that you have to be a segregated person in order to be part of those groups. I do not think you have to be that way, I do believe that people tend to polarize in this area and are ok with being one way in a building and another way at home. I am not and I cannot seem to be ok with separating my logic and spiritual ideas. I have not figured it out yet, but I am not a healthy person being polarized in one or the other. Then, there are certain core things that are just unmovable opinions (factual claims) that have caused me doubt and confusion as well.

I am able to be gray in my thinking when it comes to certain topics.

I have a clear understanding that certain situations or important life decisions are not simple and do not have one answer to them based on limited biblical knowledge these groups had, customs, and cultures of the past that were not understood or even considered. I am not ok, with accepting that we are to decide the morals of others. I am not going into that though, this line of thinking has caused me to think negative thoughts about myself. I have felt confused, wrong for having feelings/thoughts that go against the group, and even questioned my own intelligence because I was not allowed to use it.

These things fed into my already self-condemning mind.

I am not blaming people or churches, I am prone to self-destruct, but having people who tell me that God is also condemning me for all of the “sin” that is in my life does not set me free, it puts me in more self-hating, guilt, and condemnation. That is not what God ever intended and in the past seven months I have dealt with guilt about my feelings, emotions, and thoughts. I can sit here confidently and say that: “I am not wrong for any of those things or any feelings that I have, and I am not a horrible person.” People who are close to me know what a huge thing that is for me to say and believe. I have been very aware of how I speak about myself since the children have gotten older.

I have worked very hard at not speaking negatively about my appearance or my feelings of inadequacy out loud.

Negative talk was a huge influence in my life by both parents, enhanced by being ridiculed for my looks, my birthmark, my weight (being told that I needed to lose weight by a boyfriend over and over when it wasn’t true), being called stupid at times when I could not speak because I was confused or overloaded. The thoughts became me and I have been working on separating those from my real self for several months now. I am sure it will be a long process in some areas, but I know that I do have control over them now. I want to gain myself back of course, but I truly want to work at helping my kids not to go through this. Part of that is being a good example.

Ariel and I talked yesterday and it woke me up.

For some reason her and Joshua like watching Toddlers & Tiaras. I have a very hard time watching the show, it upsets me at times. It’s on Netflix so I can fast forward or skip to another one. However, I use it as a social tool. We talk about the parents who are positive and what is good about them and same with the parents who are not so good and why. We do the same thing with the children, but they both have said on multiple occasions that the “mommy’s made them like that”. Some of that is true, we discuss personalities as well. The show does have a lot of social dynamics and cultural issues that we talk about at their level. Anyway, Ariel asked me about a little girl who said: “I am beautiful! My face is so pretty.”

It was said in a way that was obnoxious and condescending.

Ariel picked up on it and then shared with me that she feels: “shy” when she says the words beautiful, pretty, kiss, love, being smart, and other things like that. I asked her if she knew that she was beautiful and smart and she said that she did. She said it in a healthy 7 year old way. It just made her feel awkward. I wondered if that was what my issue was as well. I have such a hard time taking compliments and I normally combat with them something negative. I do not do it on purpose I just do not know how to accept someone seeing good in me or in something that I do. I believe this was learned by my parents. I also have the feeling that I am not allowed to have compliments, like I do not deserve them or something.

My main goal has been to not do this in front of the kids for a while, but the thoughts still pop in my head.

I do not want Ariel to feel this or take on that behavior. The boys do not seem to have this or maybe it manifests differently through them. Ariel does have confidence in herself and her abilities, this is where it can be very confusing to other people. I too am confident in my abilities and things that I have a special interest in. I do not concern myself with feeling unattractive or unintelligent until someone or something brings it to my attention. Either through compliment or ridicule. I am just being me. I am overall a confident person, but social confusion, confusing situations, or misunderstood comments can make me seem very insecure. I do need to learn how to accept compliments and also positive criticism. I do not do too badly with criticism as long as I know that the person is trying to help me and not be destructive. I am always open to learning and bettering myself.

All of this has been very good and will help me go through my loop drafts with more understanding.

I am very happy that Ariel calls herself a scientist and she even told me that if she was in a pageant she thinks that she would get queen. The reason she gave: “I would just be myself, with a little bit of lipstick (blah) and my hair done a little, maybe…but I can dance and think I would win.” (blah was a direct quote) Good for her, I wish that were true though, I would have to find a “natural” pageant I think.   I asked her how she would feel if she lost. She said: “Well, I would be ok with that and I would be happy for the girls who won.” Ariel is so awesome! I know I am biased. I am not sure I could be a pageant mom. 8-d

Here are some links that I found very helpful.

Negative Automatic Thoughts

15 Common Cognitive Distortions

Negative Automatic Thoughts w/ Examples

The study is a bit long, but it was interesting.

Evaluation of the Automatic Thoughts Questionnaire:
Negative Cognitive Processes and Depression Among Children

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