05/22/13

Autism & Wandering: My Child & Me

I had hoped to participate in the flash blog for the family of Mikaela Lynch, (I linked to her aunt’s post there.), but I found myself overcome with too much emotion. I was unable to find words. However, others were able to share here An Outpouring of Love for the Mikaela Lynch Family. I held back more tears as the news came in about two other children who had wandered and lost their precious lives too. Deaths of 3 Autistic Children Call for Better Anti-Wandering Protocols.

Even now, the tears are welling up and I am trying to get the words out.

My thoughts, prayers, and heart go out to these families. I was shocked and deeply troubled by some of the negative responses that were being said when a family needed community support the most. People need to become more aware of the dangers of wandering and we need more understanding with positive action. Inner Aspie shared a post Autism & Wandering Awareness-Guest Post By Sheila Medlam Founder of the Mason Alert Foundation that I feel is an excellent article that gives information about Mason Alert. Inner Aspie shares her own experience with wandering/elopement in this post The Scariest Words An Autism Parent Never Wants To Hear.

What I have seen is that when Autism and wandering are mentioned it is normally linked to severely Autistic.

However, in my experience that is not the case. Daniel, though at the times of the scariest events he was non-verbal, had no understanding of danger what-so-ever, barely acknowledged anyone but me, and had no way of communication other than yelling, self-harm, or throwing things. He was still considered “high-functioning.” I have briefly written about Daniel not being aware of danger and wandering. When he was younger, he had no sense of danger and would wander. The day he was almost hit by a car sent terror through my body. I had him, he was in my hands, and it was within seconds that he escaped my grasp because the sounds of dogs barking scared him. I cannot remember what I did, but I managed to grab him before he ran in front of the car.

There a couple of occasions that Daniel got out of the house.

I recall one time I went to the bathroom for only a couple of minutes, though it was a rare occasion that I even went to the bathroom without the three little ones wrapped around my leg, that day it happened. All three children had gone out the locked back door in only a few minutes. I came into the living room to see no one. I went to their bedrooms and nothing. The panic slowly crept as I yelled to David, “Are the kids with you?” My mind can go from happy to worst-case scenario in seconds. It will flash images of everything possible before I can think clearly. I have to filter through it all to think straight. My eyes darted around the room. The gates were up I found it odd. David replied, “No.”

The door was shut, but the curtain caught my eye.

It was out of place. I pulled them open to see Daniel and Joshua on top of the covered kiddie pool. I burst through the doors leaping outside before I could think pulling them off the pool, thinking that I was the worst mother in the world. Joshua was only one-year old and he was going head first into the water. The pool was covered, but rain had filled it enough to where any of the children could have drowned.

It was terrifying.

The other thing that sent complete horror down my spine was that there was a pond only a few feet behind our house. I hated that house for many reasons, but one of the reasons was that pond. After that day, we placed an alarm on the back door so that would never happen again. Another time that sent me into utter panic was when I was loading the washer and dryer. The house was an open floor plan so the washer and dryer were in a closet in the kitchen. The kids were in the living room right there. When I finished loading them, I turned around and did not see Daniel, within minutes Daniel was gone.

I went to look for him in his bedroom.

He had broken open his bedroom window and his window right next to the air conditioner. His obsession with fans was insatiable. (He would run away from me in stores, outside to the back of houses, to people’s fans in their house; if he saw or heard a fan, there was no stopping him.) Thankfully, I got to him before he stuck his fingers into the air conditioner fan in the back yard. Alarms, locks, gates throughout the house, in his doorway, and holding him tight when going out in public was (is) our “normal.”

We no longer need gates.

We still have everything locked in the house, and alarms on the doors. This is another reason why Daniel sleeps with me because he is prone to wandering. Now he knows how to open the doors and he even knows how to turn off the alarms. However, he is too fearful that he may accidentally set it off so he does not touch it unless he asks. If I do not keep my eye on him or cling to him, he could leave me within seconds at certain places. In stores, it has happened and my shrilling voice yelling for him has filled the air. Now that he is older he does not venture far from me, there are still times when it happens though. There is a plus side to his anxiety about losing me. However, when he is overloaded by sensory input or socially he loses awareness of his surroundings and can become confused.

Me too!

This past year there has been significant improvement with him becoming aware of his surroundings and possible dangers. It has happened through his speech therapy, his therapist has used many problem-solving scenarios with safety and danger because this was a huge concern for me. When we first moved here, almost a year ago, there was no way that I could take him into the front yard. The fears consumed me that he may run out into the speeding cars that go down our busy road. He almost did the first week were here! I am hypersensitive to keeping him in my sight at all times. However, it is not possible to do that each day. I used to wait for David, or take all the kids with me to the bathroom to ensure they were not out of my sight after the “pool scare.” I did not even consider that my non-verbal four-year-old would figure out how to open his bedroom window.

I still do not take showers unless I know that David can be with the kids.

I was a wanderer too. I still am. If I do not make a conscious, effort to stay focused and run scripts through my head I will get distracted and wander. My kids have helped me with this because my responsibly as a parent trumps whatever my wandering trigger is. I caused my mom great fear on several occasions because I left the yard and wandered around the neighborhood. I ran away at the age of five. I also, was a sleep walker and would go out the back door. My mom was afraid one night I would just disappear. In stores, I would be gone in a flash. She became so terrified that I was no longer allowed to be out of her sight when we went places like the store or parks – ever!

She became even more protective than she was before.

Strange though, she would let me play in the yard for hours by myself… as long as I did not leave the yard she was fine. I was drawn to water, my son is drawn to water, and we love water. Not all Autistic’s do, but there is definitively some affinity for many of us. I learned to swim at an early age for some reason my mom made sure of this. Possibly, because she too loves to swim and loves water. Daniel is still unable to swim. I am currently teaching him, but he wears a life jacket. He now refuses to get into the water unless he has one on. He does have a fear of deep water now unless I hold him or he has his life jacket on, I am not sure where that I came from. It started last year.

That is a small bit of Daniel’s story in hopes of bringing some awareness.

Wandering and elopement is a real concern that people need to be aware of and more sympathetic to. I do not believe that it is only severely Autistic people who wander and elope. I could be wrong, but I do not think that I am the only one who may still struggle with this and who also, did this as a child. Here is a little more about my story. I have wandered into places that were extremely dangerous with no understanding as an adult. It was not something that I thought about, I would get a whim of thought or become interested in a person or object and off I would go. I did not think of telling my friends where I was going.

I did not understand until my friends freaked out on me when they could not find me.

They still had to explain to me why they were so upset. I did not learn my lesson when my mom continually told me not to leave the yard. If I became distracted, I was gone. If there was a butterfly, I chased it! I was not aware that I was out of my yard or away from my mom. I was not aware that something terrible could happen to me if I went wandering in the wee hours of the night as a teenage girl and as a young adult. (Or even as a 30+-year old!) I did not really understand danger unless I would get a very strong sense of something being “wrong” in my gut.

Still I was not sure what it was.

I would only hear things in my head like, “Run home as fast as you can!” “Get to your car, now!” That happened on several occasions. There are days when I know that I should not leave the house because my head is too fuzzy and unable to discern my surroundings. There are days when there is no way I will take Daniel outside because he is unable to comprehend danger and he loves to walk all over our yard. I still have to hold him tight in parking lots because he does not understand that the cars could hurt him.

I am fairly certain we will have alarms on the doors for a long time.

I am not sure how long; we were only able to get rid of the gates last year when we moved into this house. We still need to work on these things in therapy. Possibly, he will be better equipped than I was because he is being taught in practical and realistic ways. He is learning how to be safe, why wandering is dangerous, and how to remain observant of his surroundings. It is not a matter of poor parenting, or “should have’s” it is about equipping our community and ourselves. Some Autisics will never be able to comprehend the dangers of wandering. That is why as a community we need to spread awareness and help with ways to educate those who have no understanding. However, we also need people to be open-minded, understanding , and willing to listen.

Please be a part of building into the community with your empathy, sympathy, willingness to learn what it is like for us with Autistic children, and challenges that we face.

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04/28/13

High School Trauma: Road to Recovery II

I did not recognize it until the next day, but I went into PTSD (C-PTSD) symptoms. Anxiety filled me, as well as irritability, I was shaking/shivering, cold, nauseous and I started to fixate on facebook. I made myself get off, I had tears, all the sudden I felt ugly, worthless, depressed, panicked at noise, everything became loud and buzzing. I could not eat and I could not sleep. I felt alone and scared. It was not until the next morning that it all made sense when I was still having those symptoms. They were intensified because I had not slept in a couple of days and because of my confusing interaction with Joshua’s teacher, but at least I was able to understand what was happening.

My high school days were some of the most painful and confusing times.

I was in an abusive relationship for three years of my stint in that school. However, I was unaware that I was being abused. I knew that my unnameable fears and anxieties were at high levels during that time. I was stalked; my personal space and time were continually violated. Other girls who called me things like “slut” and “whore” bullied me. There were rumors spread about me that were vile, I found out later that my boyfriend said many of them at the time, or my so called friends. While I sat at home babysitting my sisters taking care of the household because my mom worked 50-60 hours a week, and my step dad at the time was a drug using, drug selling, womanizing lazy jerk, there were claims that I was out partying and hooking up with numerous guys. Nice.

Many other things happened too.

I felt like I had to continually watch my back. Several girls hated me and I did not know why. Many guys confused me. My teachers did not change their attitude toward me either. I had two teachers who ever said anything positive to me. My U.S. History teacher, who said that he knew that I was much smarter than I let on and my literature teacher who said she wanted to see me in advanced literature. She was impressed with my writing skills and with my major assignment that I did on “Death.” My economics teacher did compliment me because of my hard work on a stock exchange project we did. I did get an award for that – I just remembered that.

It is hard to remember any good memories because there were so many traumatic ones.

In my home life, my social life, and at school. I had no safe place anywhere. I was in the vice-principles office often. Either for skipping class or smoking. I was in the nurses office a lot too because I always felt sick. They never asked me why, they always assumed I just did not want to go to class because I was a delinquent. I could not tell them that a math teacher made fun of me all the time in front of the class. He was the football coach and found it amusing to mock me when I asked questions. I could not tell them that the P.E. teacher found it amusing to measure my BMI and then proceed to call me obese. (He said that he was joking.) When I was maybe 120 pounds. That was a great thing to say to a teenage girl who had a boyfriend who was already calling her fat.

I dropped down to 100 pound by the next years.

I could not tell them that I skipped and hid in the bathroom because I found a huge bag of marijuana in my step dad’s coat pocket one day and I just needed to be alone to try and process what to do. Or that my boyfriend accused me of cheating on him. Or that my mom woke me up at three in the morning demanding that I do the dishes even though we had no dish soap so I was forced to use powdered laundry detergent. I could not tell them that the boys made derogatory comments to me that half the time I did not understand so I did not want to be in class. I could not tell them that several girls in another class that I was in threatened me.

No one listened and I did not know how to be heard.

When I tried to tell my story, they did not believe me or thought that I was being unruly because I could not get my words out. This caused me to have meltdowns, one major one with screaming, hitting, and raging in the office. IN ADDITION, when that happened I recall at least once being asked if I was having my period. That is not even the half of my life that happened while in that school. I understood how important it was for me to go and turn my thoughts into positives. I really wanted to see my niece perform. I wanted to be there for my sister, and I wanted to see my dad and step mom. I decided this time around I was not going to internalize my fears. I shared a little on facebook to get it out. It gave me the strength to text my dad and tell him that I was having problems because of all the negatives I had associated with that place.

Thankfully, he was supportive along with my sister and step mom.

They did not make a big deal out of it, but I could tell they were trying to “be there” for me. My dad met us in the parking lot. The school looked so tiny and not scary at all. It felt very different walking in there with my kids. It had only a momentary affect on me. When I looked down the hallways, my lung filled with heavy air. It smelled the same; I saw my locker when I was a senior. I saw the hallway where my other locker was when I was a freshman. The foreboding left as quickly as it came when I walked into the auditorium. It was where I had been in a beauty pageant. I discovered that pageants were not my type of thing, but I had positive memories of that day. I had memories flood of when I was in choir and my performances.

Eww, and that horrible electric blue dress we all had to wear that one year!

It made me laugh. We sat into the front row and all three kids did great. They sat the entire time and relaxed in the semi-dark to some tunes. Daniel asked a bunch of questions, but he did an amazing job at sitting there and trying to be quiet. He enjoyed himself. During the performance, I noticed that the woman I had talked to about music therapy was there. She recognized me and came up to me afterwards. She said that they have been working on a project to start “Sensory Friendly” concerts. She said, after watching Daniel she knew that it would be a great project to start. We talked for a little bit longer about the summer schedule for music therapy and went on our way.

It was a positive social interaction for me (with a woman) in my old school.

The whole thing was positive. When we were leaving, my dad decided that he wanted a picture of my locker on the way out. Another guy, went by the lockers with his wife and he had the locker next to me. I did not remember him at all so I think he was a couple of years before me, but I am not sure. I am not sure I would remember many faces from my school days. I took a picture of the kids in the hallway to help melt away the past memories of those hallways being filled with negatives.

Their smiling faces consumed them.

I walked out feeling a little more whole than I had before. It felt good. I could finally, look at the building and feel peace. I feel a little teary eyed right now in a strange sort of way. It feels as though I have lost a large chunk of my identity, but that I have gained a large part at the same time. I think I am going to be able to pull out some positive memories from school soon, after all of these negatives ones settle their voices. I knew coming back home was going to be challenging and liberating – I am glad that I am here.

A few resources.

Psychological and Behavioral Impact of Trauma: HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS

Signs of Trauma in Children

Types of Traumatic Stress

Happy pictures!

[Show as slideshow]

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04/28/13

High School Trauma: Road to Recovery I

I had not realized how much school associated trauma affected my emotions and anxieties while dealing with the kids teachers this year. I will get to my high school situation in a moment; however, my reaction about my high school was enhanced due to an interaction with Joshua’s teacher so I need to process it. I experienced bullying from grade school onto my high school in various forms. Many times, my naivety caused my downfall. I would not understand jokes, innuendos, behaviors etc… at the bus stop, on the bus, in the classroom, or out on recess, and that led to being made fun of constantly.

I was made fun of for the “odd” things I said and did.

I was made fun of for my birthmark and my looks in general. The kids made fun of my clothes, my mom, and my home. Others things as well like, how I could not stay quiet or still in class. Similar types of mockery went on through middle school and high school. I did some stupid things because of my naivety. I was clueless at the time, but I wanted to be liked and I wanted to have friends. If people dared me to do something, I would think that would make them like me. It only got me into trouble, made me more of a mockery, confused me, and caused feelings of isolation and depression.

The only group that accepted me was the “rough” crowd for the most part.

[There is just too much to write about.] They made fun of me too, but it was for my innocence and they found it amusing to have a girl in the group who had never kissed, done other “naughty” things, who did not smoke, or drink. Some of those things changed quickly enough. I was still a prude in many ways and it was funny to make fun of me for being that way. In grade school, though I noticed how my teachers did not see me in that light. They treated me as though I was the “bad” kid. I was ignored or I was being disciplined for my disruptive behaviors. I had problems sitting still.

In conduct, I regularly received a U for unsatisfactory.

I could not stop talking. I had problems writing. Art class was torture for me because of all the cutting, drawing, painting, multiple sensory and fine motors issues, and at that time, dealing with abstract art for me was very difficult. (Now I love it.) I was placed in intermediate reading even though at home I was reading encyclopedias, Grimm’s’ Fairy Tales, Aesop’s Fables, and various types of poetry and literature for fun by nine years-old. Though I loved numbers and understood them in a unique way I could not grasp the way they taught it in school and I was placed in basic math. I fell through the cracks.

I was invisible unless I was acting out.

I was sent to the hall many times. I was forced to beat chalkboard erasers to clean them as punishment, which was so painful to me that I would be sick for a couple of days afterwards. The dust made my stomach hurt, it made my nostrils raw, and I coughed for days because the dust seemed to be stuck in my lungs. It dried out my eyes and made them burn. The worst part was that I could not get the residue off my fingers and hands. Even after I would wash them, I could fill the dryness caked to my skin. It was awful!

I have all of that infused to my brain when it comes to teachers.

I especially have the anxiety and fear of not being heard by them. I would get in trouble for acting out and the majority of the time I was acting out because another child was messing with me, or I felt trapped in a desk forced to sit and listen to something that we had already gone over 50 million times! When I would try to explain myself to teachers, they only saw me as being disrespectful, unruly, and obstinate. I had no voice and I finally took on the perception of myself being nothing more than a nuisance. I felt that way at home and at school.

At the beginning of the school year for my kids this year, I had to work through those feelings.

I did not realize it at the time. I assumed it was all my social anxiety, it was a big change, and it was new. I did not know what to expect so I was anxious. I felt much better after talking to Daniel and Ariel’s teacher. I felt all right after speaking to Joshua’s teacher. However, by my next interaction with her I was thrown. I will not go into great detail, but she and I just do not click. I have not been able to find any sort of understanding of her way of communication and it has caused me to spiral into some severe anxiety attacks throughout the school year. Joshua had made several comments in the beginning of the year about her that I assumed were probably his own anxieties.

After a while, though I listened to him.

I think we just do not know how to communicate. Some people you cannot find a way to reach equal communication. I have found it difficult because I get on well with all of Daniel’s teachers and therapists. I have explained to Joshua’s teacher my concerns about his reading issues, yet his academics are excellent. He barely needs me at all for math or science expects to read or write out some words for him. He does great in language arts as well, except he has problems reading the computer screen. He takes a little longer to process his words when reading in general. I am concerned about him having dyslexia and I have sent an email to Daniel’s special ed teacher about getting Joshua evaluated through the school.

It was prompted after my interaction with Joshua’s teacher Friday morning.

I will keep this part short, and in fairness, she has been gone on maternity leave for several weeks. It was her first week back. In a way I am happy that all of it transpired because I also asked about getting Joshua evaluated for Aspergers or ADHD through the school. I am waiting on my psychologist to get him scheduled for an evaluation, but it looks as though it will be the middle of the summer. Daniel’s special ed teacher will be working with Joshua and me for his IEP if he is diagnosed so it does not hurt to ask her questions.

I know I give so many details!

I am trying to stay focused. Because of all that had happened on Friday morning, I was struck with anxiety and fear. I became fearful because I had emailed several questions about Joshua and about Daniel in regards to adding more accommodations to his IEP. I started to become overwhelmed with fears that they all think that I am a bad mother and that I do not do enough for my kids. Then, the thoughts that they feel that I am a helicopter mom and want ALL of these accommodations to make it easy for my kids and myself. I started to panic that Joshua’s teacher would want to retain him despite his high scores and massive improvements that he has made.

The final anxiety blow was about Daniel.

They decided to move him forward to third grade because of how much he has progressed and improved. I started to fear about that, but I had no definitive fear, just a foreboding fear. Those thoughts were consuming my brain and then, the plans for Saturday started meshing in there too. My plans for Saturday started to mix and mingle with my other lingering anxieties. I take the kids to the YMCA so Ariel and Joshua can do gymnastics. I had originally, planned to take Daniel swimming during that time, but now they have scheduled swim lessons. That means we have to wait until Ariel and Joshua are finished then go swimming. I am at the Y for almost three hours. :-/ My dad texted me earlier in the week and said that they were coming for the weekend and wanted to know if they could see us.

Our schedules were not working out.

I found out my niece was going to perform in her choral on Saturday and I thought that would be a great thing to go to, something new for the kids. I was waiting on my sister to tell me the when and where it would be. Ok, so I had all of that anxiety from earlier with the teacher, my general anxiety about family coming and being at the Y for almost three hours, (trying to keep Daniel entertained for an hour) then, my sister texted me the time and that it was going to be at my old high school. My body sunk for a moment. I had a strange response that I cannot articulate. I thought, “Well that sucks.” and moved on.

However, my subconscious self did not move on.

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04/23/13

Are You Calling Me & Other Autistics Sociopaths? (Think About It)

I am going there. I want people to think about what they are saying when they say that Autistics “lack empathy.” I have been over this on my blog, and I have shared a several posts revealing how my son Daniel, who is Autistic, shows and expresses empathy along with myself. Autism and Empathy: Dispelling Myths and Breaking Stereotypes , which Rachel Cohen-Rottenberg Editor and Publisher created, is an entire website featuring many posts and articles sharing truths about Autism and empathy. If you are still under the premise that we as Autistics “lack empathy”, I would suggest going to her website to get a more accurate view.

I want to make a strong impression here because I believe we have enough information now to change the perspective.

However, many still believe that we are unable to feel or express empathy. I blame this on the plethora of literature and media that continue to speak about us, without us. In my opinion, I also feel that society tries to blanket emotions as a whole and generalize them into easy compartments that are only defined by what the “group” is thinking for the moment. Interestingly, some people fail to consider how complex emotions are to each individual. Speaking for myself, I find my emotions too difficult to articulate many times because of the complexity that I feel. I work through them in my creative writings because I am unable to discern immediately what emotions belong to me, and what emotions belong to others.

I can pick up the emotions of others without realizing what I am doing.

It has been confusing for the majority of my life. I become greatly affected by events in people’s life or in media. Much of what Eileen Parker wrote in her post Autism, Empathy and Boston is how I felt. I have managed to express my emotions in the most simplistic of terms much of the time. Happy or sad are pretty much my staple expressions of emotions. Last night my friend Lori shared a wonderful post that helped me understand myself in this area a great deal. Go have a read Accepting Emotional Regulation. I have read a few things now that say in order to have empathy for others it is dependent upon understanding your own feelings.

I understand my feelings very much, it is when others get in the mix that I can become confused.

Here is where I am confused now, how can people not understand the negative associations and misinterpretations about Autistics when they claim these things? When will these negative terms start to dismantle and be edited into better terms and understanding in the books and society? Based upon the history of human existence I feel that it will be longer than, we hope.

However, I DO have hope.

I am relying on the numerous Autistic voices stepping up and sharing how they really think, along with our advocates sharing their perspectives. Still, we have a lot of work to do. Today I am sharing what I feel. I want to express clearly, what it means to me when I hear or read about Autistics lacking empathy. It has been burning in my brain for years. For a while, I believed it. I was so terrified that I was a narcissist that I researched what narcissism was just to be clear.

I did a three part series on the difference between narcissists and Aspergers.

Aspergers – Narcissism: NOT The Same I

Aspergers – Narcissism: NOT The Same II

Aspergers – Narcissism: NOT The Same III

The more I researched the more I believed that Autistics do not fall under the criteria of lacking empathy.

Something that rang through my brain was how everyday people, who are supposed to have the ability to empathize, are the same people who bully. Bullying is a Group Phenomenon − What Does It Mean And Why Does It Matter? The thoughts flooded my brain about instances when I witnessed someone being bullied and I stepped in to stop it while others stood and watched. I felt what that person was feeling and I could not sit back and let it happen. I have done this in school, at church, and at the workplace. Yes, adults bully and they do it at work.

Is this different from empathy in some way?

I think the definition of empathy is loose and left up to each individual. However, when a person with a degree or medical background claims that they have dibs and somehow work it into our societal jargon we are left with their interpretation. It offends me. It hurts me. It annoys me. Mostly, it has been detrimental to my self-esteem. Even if one says, that they did not mean to imply that Autistics are narcissistic or sociopaths the fact of the matter is that being defined as lacking empathy falls under the criteria of narcissism, antisocial personality disorder, as well as psychopaths. These are associated with symptoms of lacking empathy, Autism has been lumped into to that on several resources that I read. They are claiming that we lack the ability to feel another person’s emotions or understand from their perspective, or care?

This has been based upon how we react in situations or what we say?

For instance, instead of emotionally responding instantaneously we start to ask questions that seem inappropriate or we shutdown completely, this is considered showing lack of empathy. For me I may ask questions in order to understand the situation better because in my mind I automatically want to understand and create long lasting helps. I do not do quick fixes. If you are hurt, I want to know the what’s and the why’s to first insure that I was not the cause. If you are excited, I want to know all the details and I mean every detail. Many people just expect you to respond toward them in the way that they would respond.

I do this too.

I still struggle with thinking that people would or should react with empathy toward me the way I expect. That is why I have continued to be baffled at people in general. They will claim that we lack empathy, but they do not try to empathize with our emotions or situations. We are required to be bombarded in sensory assaulting environments and then, if we have a meltdown, shutdown, are cranky, lose our words, or stare blankly we are ruining the fun? If our favorite object breaks or our schedule is suddenly changed, we are supposed to be able to “get a new one” or “get over it” because “it is not that big of a deal.”

Well, those things are a big deal to me and to my son.

To be quite blunt about it by definition, I feel that those who continue to claim that we lack empathy are operating in the very thing I am being accused of.

Let us take a look here.

“Empathy is the capacity to recognize emotions that are being experienced by another sentient or fictional being. One may need to have a certain amount of empathy before being able to experience accurate sympathy or compassion.” ~ Wiki

Simple enough, huh?

I would like people not to be offended at my words, but once again, to be quite blunt, we Autistics are still being labeled and falsely perceived as lacking empathy. My purpose here is to ask you to stop and think just for a moment. Do you truly understand the meaning of empathy? It is a broad definition based upon your perceptions and wants. How you want to be understood is how you expect others to show you empathy. We all need to take a step back and reconsider our expectations. The generalized conceptions about empathy limits us and does not allow room for growth, self or in our society.

Currently, the generalized attitude seems to be that anyone who lacks empathy lacks emotion, feeling, or the ability to care for others.

That attitude would assume that I am a narcissistic, unfeeling, uncaring droid if I were to tell anyone that I am an Aspergers adult. These words shine such a negative light that it puts me on the defense at times. Why? Because it hurts, makes me anxious and fearful. It makes me feel as though I need to defend the way I think and how I process. It makes me feel isolated and misunderstood. It makes me question my actions and constantly try to evaluate what and how I perceive my world. It makes me worry about how people will respond to my son. I have had a lifetime of being told how wrong I am and people telling me how my actions and words are wrong. I have had to filter through all of that and learn to accept myself.

I have had to wade through all the negative associations toward Autism for my son and myself.

What I do not understand is why people are so quick to assume the negatives about autism. Why are so many people unwilling to use positive lingo instead of painting all of us as dismal way of being. I do not run from the fact that there are great challenges. I live them daily with my son and myself. Some days it is extremely difficult, but I ask how can it get any better when we have to face a world that looks at us with negative eyes. Does the world truly think that we are sociopaths? Do people really believe that we are like robots without emotions? Are we such difficult creatures that we have to be explained in terms as being broken? Is the way we process our world so incredibly awful that all energies must be projected into finding ways to make us more like the general public?

News flash, the general public is hurting.

There are people suffering from all sorts of physical, mental, and emotional issues. Many have no one to empathize with them about their disability, their depression, their anxiety, their fears, their “disorders,” or hurts. There is no one stepping up and saying, “I feel you, let me help.” Many of them are like me, reaching out through the internet because no-one-else in their life understands. These souls reaching out to find others who know what the hell they are feeling and talking about.

Think about it.

If you are reading this, have you stepped into my shoes for a moment? We are being told repeatedly that we need to understand how your world works. It is being demanded that we learn your system that is foreign and difficult for us to understand. We are being requested to change the way we think, respond, and express. BUT people fail to see how hard we have been trying to do just that. We have tried to fit in, belong, understand, be accepted, study and figure out this system of humanity that makes us feel like aliens on our own planet.

There are many reasons why an Autistic person reacts in the way that they do.

Maybe the next time you feel as though the Autistic person is showing a lack of empathy, how about you step back for a moment and ask them directly and clearly, what they are doing. Do not ask broad generalized questions, or tell them that they do not understand. Ask them point-blank “What are you thinking in this moment?” However, if you do be prepared for the possibilities of the most foreign thought you could think of, but know that whatever they are thinking could be a great riddle to solve. It could lead to a grand answer of them expressing such empathy that you would never have imagined. It could happen. You could be hammered with a bunch of questions that could lead to surprising helps that you never would have considered.

You could end up with silence and them walking away.

And the next day their favorite stuffed animal or pair of headphones on your desk. You just never know what exciting empathetic gifts could be given to you. I will share several links to my posts in regards to how Daniel has expressed empathy. I will also, share one trying to express how I do by asking questions. I am going to share several other posts from others as well. I hope that I make sense in this post. It is coming from a slight offense, even though I tried not to be negative. I still, do have my opinion and feelings about this. I respect everyone’s journey and their times that they need to vent. I do not judge condemn, or speak ill of them. I work through my own emotional response and trust in the process of everyone’s journey.

However, I think people need to start critically thinking about what they are saying to an entire population that has been ignored far too long.

Positives About My Autistic Son

“I Do Not Understand”

Come On! Enough With The “Lacking Empathy”

“What Is The Cat Feeling?”

My Autistic Son Comforted Me Today

Daniel, Me & Empathy

Things that I read.

How I Experience Empathy

Autism, empathy, and violence: One of these things doesn’t belong here

Empathy, Mindblindness, and Theory of Mind (Sharing this one again!)

A Radical New Autism Theory (Radical??)

How to Test Your Empathy

It’s Hard to Live with Someone Who Lacks Empathy

Empathy

10 things not to say to someone with Asperger’s

How to Relate to Someone who Has Asperger’s Syndrome

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04/18/13

Some Videos

I thought I would share a couple videos that I am watching and processing.

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04/18/13

Family (Dys)Functions

A couple of weeks ago, some of my family threw me a birthday party. Many things went well and I did have a great time. There are certain things that my family thinks is funny to do. One is doing things like getting me a princess crown for my birthday and making me wear it. They know how much I do not like crowns or girly type of things like, PINK anything! Lol!

Or lots of hugging!

I do admit, that I have felt more comfortable hugging them in the last month due to changes in them and me. In the past, I was unsure if they were being mean, joking, or just plain insensitive. I now understand that many things that are done are simply because it has always been done. My dad’s side of the family grew up picking on each other and tormenting each other. They bullied each other. (There is a LONG history that goes into the why’s.)

They played tricks and spoke things that apparently some siblings do.

My mom grew up being picked on and tormented by her father’s family. My grandfather was sometimes the cruelest man I ever laid eyes on then, in the next moment he could be sweet as honey. I was confused by the mocking and picking on from both sides my entire life. It makes me sick to witness such things; it was detrimental to my mental state when I was the focus of mockery. I soaked in every word believing them to be true. My confusion would heighten when I would address it, and ask why they would say or do such mean things.

I was told it was “a joke.”

Why wouldn’t I think it was funny if a family member made fun of the way I ate, or laughed? Why didn’t I find it amusing if they made fun of the clothes I wore, what color my hair was, if I did not understand a joke and asked what they meant? Why wouldn’t I laugh it off if they called me a “spaz” or “dingy.” Why would I get my feelings hurt and feel horrible about myself when I was around them? I understood recently, that these things were not about me. I also, took note that on both sides of my family they did not do it to me as much as they did it to one another. I noticed that they made fun of all of their own quirks, sensory issues, obsessions, etc… as well.

The difference that I understood about myself was that I did not do that.

Throughout my life, I did not mock my oddities or myself until someone else started mocking me, or mocked their own that were similar to mine. I believe I have shared some this before. I did not tear apart my appearance until someone else started doing it to theirs, or nit-picked at my appearance. I did not feel badly about myself until someone made me feel as though I should. I did not see myself as being “wrong” or “flawed” until others implied it through their jokes and mockery, of either themselves or me. Once the self-deprecation and negative self-talk would start out of others mouths, I began to mirror. My mom did this constantly, she has gotten much better at stopping, but I grew up with it. After years of this, from my mom onto virtually every family member, I took on the script of self-deprecation.

I already had this realization a while ago.

However, what I am writing about now is how this no longer affects me in the way that it used. I understand that I mirrored that behavior in order to protect myself. I did it with my classmates, friends, significant others, co-workers, and family. I did it first so that they could not do it to me. This was learned. I watched my family become hurt or upset at the words or actions that other family members inflicted. I also, observed that their defense was to counter attack with another “joke” or “put down in a loving way” (sometimes not so loving) toward the person who started it. There were many innuendos and slides that I did not understand.

I did not catch many that were directed toward me.

I was either oblivious (still am) or it confused me so much that I would shutdown. None of this would catch up with me until hours sometimes days later. I understand that this family dynamic is most likely never going to change. The digs and jokes are their way of showing affection as well as indirectly speaking unpleasantries to each other. I have learned that many people communicate like that – I still do not get it. My mom and sisters do this with each other too. I find it all odd because it hurts me when these things are said or done. As I was thinking about this more, I realized that lately my family has been doing this even lesser than before.

I am grateful.

I think that the reason is that I have been so vocal about my confusion with these things and that I shared with them how I no longer had any idea if any of them loved me. That was the truth. I felt so unlovable and so broken that the thought of anyone loving me seemed impossible. I was also, so confused by the social dynamics in my family that I could not filter through their words or actions properly. They have stepped up and have tried to keep reminding me that I am loved and that I matter.

I hate the fact that I need this validation because it makes me feel weak.

That is a whole other issue, about me wanting to be independent and never needing or wanting anyone. I have observed in my family that only the weakest links share their emotions or express their need for validation. It is indirect and eluded to, but it is there. Several things have helped me to let some of that fear go. The changes that my family has made has helped, my uncle sharing with me on a facebook comment that he was diagnosed with depression and got help, and me remembering that I do not think that my quirks, oddities, or the way that I think is wrong.

I do not feel wrong.

I cannot change a person’s perspective about how I respond to things. I cannot change how people think about me as a person. I cannot change how people perceive my “Autismness.” What I can do is be honest and share what hurts me. I can tell people that I am not broken, I am considered disabled, and I do have many challenges, but I also have many strengths. This TED video Aimee Mullins: The opportunity of adversity, I have watched several times now to help me process the word “disabled” and society’s perceptions.

I find myself in a limbo type state of understanding my own disabilities, but not feeling disabled. (That I am still pondering.)

I have had to go through a process of self-acceptance, especially with discovering that I am Autistic. I am still unable to share with many family members because I do not feel that they will be able to accept it. It is not because they do not love me, but because it is a hard to grasp. It is difficult to process that the person you have perceived one way your entire life is not that way at all.

They are not thinking like you in the slightest.

The way they interpret the world is so vastly different that you are unable to comprehend it in the least bit. There are also the revelations of all the times you have hurt them or damaged their psyche without even knowing it. I would think that those who care for you would be heartbroken if they discovered that their actions and words contributed to PTSD. I have gone through my revelations of how my actions and words have been misinterpreted causing pain to my family.

Granted all I can do is move forward and little by little explain how I think and why I do the things, I do.

That opportunity would never have opened up had I not shared the severe pain and isolation I was feeling. I took a chance because I had reached the point of despair. I no longer had anything to lose. I knew that I had to reach out and if I was rejected then, I knew! It was a choice of moving on without them or moving forward with them. I am thankful that my family is trying and they are accepting me where I am, but I am in control of what and when I share. I am determining what is healthy to share for me not because of them. (I hope that makes sense.)

I may be able to share that I am Autistic one day with them.

However, I realize that my attitude before was too abrasive and demanding. I expected them to change immediately with my sudden changes. I went through many stages of feeling hurt and rejected by the ways they have responded toward Daniel. When I finally, accepted and understood I expected them to do the same. People do not work like that. They do not accept differences and changes instantaneously. They do not change their wording from “wrong” to “right” in a day. They will not see “disabilities” in a positive way the second someone says, “Society needs to change.”

Changing minds and perspectives is a gradual movement.

It happens little by little, those who change their mind rapidly normally have not built a strong foundation for their own thoughts. They usually sway with whatever the new perspective is in the moment. Whatever facebook or Twitter is telling them today is what they believe and fight for. In the last month, what I have noticed in the home front is my family being more open to listen about Daniel. They have been more accepting of his behaviors and interacting with him more comfortably. They have not been looking at him in the distance, but they have not been pressuring him to interact either.

All of this has made me feel more comfortable and not on the defense.

I have dropped my expectations of wanting my family to accept that I am Autistic. I feel as though since, my defenses have gone down they have become more accepting of him. Is it my perceptions changing or theirs? I think it is a little of both. My thoughts about all of this has given me even more reason to believe that the way we can change the perceptions of Autism is to find the bridges to communicate.

It requires breaking down defenses and being open-minded.

It is hard to find that balance. It is hard for me not to get offended when I hear negative words used to describe Autism. It is hard for me to try to be compassionate toward people who speak about Autistics as though we are broken, wrong, and/or disabled. It is hard to keep a positive image of myself when these things are said about me and generalized over Autistics. It is reality, people still feel that way because we live in a word that needs labels, distinctions, “us vs. them,” normal and not normal even though neither can be accurately defined.

I still see a world that requires a wrong or right.

Until we can all accept the gray areas, it will always be here. All we can do is impact as much as we can in our space on earth allotted to us and be satisfied that we have done our part. I am slowly changing the dysfunctions that were ingrained into me growing up. I am picking them out piece-by-piece and making dramatic changes in myself.

I no longer fear going to family events.

I no longer feel the need to push understanding on them. I no longer feel afraid that I will fall into mirroring self-destructive behaviors when being around them. I no longer fear that they will hurt me. I see with clarity that all of my fears and defenses caused me more harm than, they did.

I know who I am in this moment. (I will reach some other level of me later, I presume. )

I am accepting myself more each day. Their support and validation has helped a great deal, but I could not have gotten to this place without doing the work in myself first. Families all have their dysfunctions, but they do not have to control or define who we are. Something that I have learned in a new light is that I CAN create my own healing even in the midst of dysfunction. I did not think that was possible before, I thought I needed to escape or isolate, but I do not.

I have the strength to change even when others around me may not be.

It is not always easy; there are some people who have to be distanced or even cut out of your life. That decision has to be based on how toxic they are to you and your mental state. There is nothing wrong with getting away from toxic relationships. However, if their most damning of torture is to make you wear a princess crown on your birthday, I think they can stick around.

Some pictures of the event.

[Show as slideshow]

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04/17/13

Book Review

I was asked to review Asperger’s Sibling Support: 15 Practical Tips for Parents/Caregivers. The book was written by Trish Thorpe. It is written from her experience being the younger sibling of an Aspergers sibling.

I was very interested in reading it because I have my own concerns and challenges with raising three children. One diagnosed with Autism and my other two who show many traits. While they are most likely on the Autism spectrum, (working on diagnosis) there are similar issues that happen in a family with Autistic and non-autistic siblings.

As I read the book, I did have to pull out of my own Aspergers thinking and not take words literally or personally. I think that is a good thing. When I read her words, I was able to see from her perspective as well as place others who are in my own life into her position. In doing so, I was able to see how much of her heart to share and help others was written into this book. I share that because there is much talk about how Aspergers/Autistics are perceived as people that lack empathy. It is a touchy subject and it is addressed in the book briefly.

My personal experience reveals otherwise, however, from others my actions and behaviors have been perceived as lacking empathy. In every case, we are individuals and express ourselves in unique ways.

I felt that the book was an excellent guide to help with children, especially younger ones, in order to help them to understand their world with an Aspergers sibling. I think it is a beneficial tool for parents to help know how to communicate to their children about Aspergers; the challenges and the benefits of Aspergers.

It gives great bullet points and short precise helps. The book shares simple examples that can be applied quickly and with ease. It gives insights as to how to help better understand and have compassion for their sibling with Aspergers, but it also addresses that the needs of non-autistic siblings should not be ignored. I think that is extremely important too.

I believe this would be a great book for anyone who has a child(ren) on the spectrum to help them know how to communicate to their other children. It may be a useful guide to teachers as well.

I really liked the way that she was positive and gave more resources to help seek support for siblings.

I have linked above to her book and website for more information.

Go check it out!

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04/14/13

Whirlwind Week

This entire month has been full of activity. The kids and I have been doing all sorts of things in addition to doing our regular school schedule. I have been trying to get them ahead of schedule because my mom is supposed to come the third week of May. I think that is when, I will have to double check. Their last day of school is May 23rd and I would like them to be finished as soon as possible. Ariel and Joshua are almost down to only language arts and math lessons, but Daniel is a little further behind on his assignments.

In the last two months, I have seen huge progression with Daniel and Joshua in their reading.

They have been working so hard, but I am concerned with the Dibels readings coming up. I did manage to get their teachers to allow us to print off their monitoring reading stories ahead of time so they would not be on the computer screen. It is too difficult for them to read on there and being timed makes them nervous. Both of them need the paper lying flat and words covered so they do not get overwhelmed with all of the sentences, they can look like masses of letter blobs to them if they are not covered.

All three of the kids have improved a great deal in their handwriting.

We have been working on it and I have tried to make it as fun and positive as possible. It wears them out though. I have to keep it light on the lessons if I am going to have them do writing assignments on that day. No, practice does not make perfect. We cannot do it every day because it is too much for them to process.

They will become overwhelmed and it will turn into a negative.

I was so excited for Ariel because she practiced on her own with cursive. She has started reading in cursive too. It has boosted her confidence with writing because she thinks it is easier. I was so happy that Daniel actually wrote in cursive for me too. He did have to turn in one of his writing assignments in cursive. I was so proud and excited, until I saw that the teacher gave him a 5 out of 10.

I am not sure how I feel about that.

However, I do not want to dwell on that right now because this post is all about the great things that are happening. Our week actually started on Saturday the 6th, (with continued activity since then) when we went to my aunt’s for my birthday party, on Sunday I think we stayed home. Then, on Monday, Ariel and I went to the YMCA. I wrote what happened on Monday about the bully situation, but the awesome news is that Ariel recovered well and wanted to go with me on Thursday night. She went right into the children’s center with no problems and had a great time. I had a great time Piloxing … except I ate yogurt earlier that day and that was not a good idea. My belly felt awful afterwards. I do not do well with yogurt anyway; I have no idea why I decided to eat it that day. :-/

I forgot on Wednesday that I took the kids to play Putt Putt (mini-golf) after school.

A cool whirlwind image!

During our school breaks, I made phone calls – one for music therapy and another to set up dentist appointments for the kids. I will set mine soon. Yippie! I can’t wait to see what all needs to be done in there. I still have two of my baby teeth; one of them seems to have a cyst of some sort above it. I may have to go to an orthodontist for that. I really do not care I just want my teeth cleaned and my one cavity taken care of before I panic again that I have a cavity at all! Yes, it is my first and only cavity. I am a little freaky about my teeth. Oh, and yes! I made phone calls and had no anxiety issues!

I am getting over my phone anxiety, a little bit.

I still have my moment’s right before I call and right after I get off the phone, but other than that, I am doing really well. I forgot I had to talk to Joshua’s teacher on Wednesday too. On Friday, I had to talk to Ariel and Daniel’s teacher about placement for next year. Ariel will be going into all gifted classes. She wanted to hold off on talking about Daniel until she spoke with his special ed teacher. I had to talk to her on Friday too. I know she was getting a feel for where I was at with placement for him. That is another post all together, but I did make it clear that I was gearing toward him moving on to third grade. We are supposed to have a meeting with all of his therapists, teachers, and another woman whose title I cannot recall at the moment.

I will worry about that later.

On Friday, I dropped the kids off at grandma’s house for about an hour and half to give me a little break before we went to the Autism Awareness event. Then! Saturday I took Ariel and Joshua to their gymnastics class and Daniel and I went swimming. (At YMCA again.) AND Daniel actually put on a life jacket for me. He has refused and refused for years. The last time he wore one he was four years-old and we went to the beach. I took him to the deep end and he was latched onto to me for the first few minutes. I pulled him off and held him by his hands, until he was finally comfortable enough to let go.

He swam in the deep end by himself!

I told him how proud I was of him and he was proud too. He said, “I am doing it! I am swimming in the deep part all by myself. I am floating though.” Lol! This is such a great thing. He has been afraid of the deep end for a long time. I am just so pleased with all of the things we have been doing lately. I am also so proud of all that the kids have been accomplishing. Daniel has amazed me with his willingness to try new things. It has also been so wonderful that he has been enjoying himself so much more when we do things. He wants to go places and do new things. That is much different than, almost a year ago when we moved here and he refused to get into the car for months.

His attitude about school has changed as well.

His teachers and therapists said that he seems like a new kid. He is happy most of the time. He is willing to read or participate much more than before and if he does not want to he is able to communicate that. YAY! Now it is not all fun and awesomeness. There are moments that are not fun at all. Today happened to be an ALL day not-so-fun day, but being that we did so much this week I was ready and expecting it. I have been kind of cranky all day and so have the kids.

The day did not go as planned and we are socially and physically tired.

The kids and I did work on the yard for a couple of hours yesterday too. (They helped a little, it was more like they played while I worked. ) That is a lot for all of us. This coming week is full too, not as much as this week. I think we will take more breaks this past week. Still I am so happy about all that we have done, it feels good to be able to go out and enjoy ourselves even if it feels like a whirlwind!

My post may sound like a whirlwind, but it has been one of those kinds of days – my brain is frazzled!

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04/9/13

Peace? (& Ramblings I suppose …)

(I wrote this yesterday, but I did not get a chance to read it over until today. It is not real time! Aaa! I have no idea why I have to share that, I just do. )

I could go into so many directions with this post, even as I write I am not exactly sure where I am going. Today is a very odd “vibe” feeling kind of day. I feel good, in a way I guess I could describe it happy, but I do not feel emotions the way others describe them so I suppose it is an Angel Happy. It is a much better feeling than, months ago when I was only able to feel happy-sad at the same time. I have managed to separate the two in some way. However, I do feel on the verge of anxiety and a bit of sadness, but I think the anxiety is triggering the sadness.

The morning started really great.

I then, had an interaction with David that was not bad or anything but, it is something that happens quite often. He speaks as if he knows information on a topic that I know full well he does not because I have researched and know more about the accurate data than, he. When I say anything, he gets frustrated and I get frustrated because he adds information into the mix that I never said and I have no idea where it comes from.

It really was no big deal, but my mind could not let it go.

I knew that it was nothing to make an issue out of, but it is something that has personally happened to me AND I have researched it. The topic was stalking. Many people are unaware of the issues of stalking or the dangers. I did not understand that my own experience with having a stalker contributed to my PTSD symptoms.

I did not even realize I was being stalked!

I knew that the behaviors of the individual were freaky and made me scared, on edge, paranoid, and angry, but I did not understand that I was being stalked. An ex-boyfriend stalked me for several years and later his unstable girlfriend turned into wife, who thought I “wanted her man”, stalked me. I think she understood after I looked her into the face and said, “I don’t want anything to do with him and you shouldn’t either. He is a liar, abuser, and womanizer who will never stop.” She stayed with him; I have no idea what has happened since then. (It was around 1997, I believe.)

I feel it is an important issue so I will link to several other resources about stalking below.

And because I have had such a hard time letting it go (from my conversation with David) here are some statistics. I will also address that April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month, as well as Parkinson’s Awareness Month. (I am linking to a blog friend of mine who is an amazing artist and is diagnosed with PD.) The theme for Sexual Assault Awareness Month campaign is “It’s time to talk about it.” (Talk early, talk often. Prevent Sexual Violence.) I am not ready to talk about things openly. I will when I am ready, but it may not be through this blog. I do not know and I do not have to know. Oops, I may have deviated into another chunk of thought…

Wait, if you would like to be caught up on all the awareness that goes on each month go here List of commemorative months.

I am mind jumping back to my earlier conversation. After the interaction, I felt a bit; scratchy is the best I can describe. I felt off and in my mind, I had to say several things to finally be able to move on. Such as, “You are aware that I never said, 1 in 5. Those words never came out of me. You do know that right?” He just looked at me and laughed and said, “You are still stuck on that.” I have a sneaky suspicion that he knew I would be stuck. :-/ Anyway, I moved on from that and knew that it was not that big of deal. Then, I went to Facebook still feeling chipper, but a little off.

I started to feel VERY off.

I can see a clear pattern in myself when I go onto facebook when feeling shaky and on the verge of anxiety. I start to notice things that may or may not be true and even if they are WHO CARES! Why, does it bother me? It doesn’t unless I am feeling off. I do not even notice it until I am feeling off. I have been incredibly social; I just had a great time with my family (which I plan to write about later) on Saturday. I had a great spring break with the kids. I completed my fourth poetry book, which is a huge goal I had, I accomplished many goals I set out to on a personal level and for my kids, AND I cleaned the house yesterday.

I think my mind may have a lot to process.

I went blank when I read a question that was asked by Sam Craft at Everyday Aspergers, “When are you most at peace?” I went blank. I looked outside at my yard and thought, “I never feel at peace.” I feel still and like now calm, focused, positive, optimistic, goal-orientated, but I do not feel peace. What does peace even feel like? I do not know. However, as I read some of the comments that people shared it occurred to me I feel somewhat of what they describe when I write. When I write poetry, stories, or even now. I feel complete, calm, whole, and right, it feels like fluidity and natural within my body. I also feel that way at certain times when dancing or exercising, but mostly when I write.

I have found my peace, and I can feel my anxieties slowly passing as I type.

I was not feeling that when I sat here to type out whatever felt like flowing out of my fingertips. I guess, that is why I sat to write. I am on a positive stretch and I want to stay there. I do not want to be consumed with needless anxiety. I do not want to lose the mind balance that I have been able to maintain for the last few weeks.

The kids and I are having some really great days.

I do not want to let some slight misunderstanding or my perceived actions of others on social media to disrupt that. It has been a rough several years, it has been a very challenging couple of years, things are starting to look brighter, and I want to remember that. Anxiety can distort the mind in so many ways, depression does as well, and negative thinking can be anchor into both of them.

I feel like a buoy surrounded by clear water for the first time in a long and I do not want to stop be-popping soaking in the sun!

I know that the links that I am sharing do not have a jolly type of theme, but it needs to be talked about. I find joy in the fact that I am a survivor. I am alive and I am not bound by fears from my abusers or stalkers. Does it stir up fears, you betcha! But they do not bind me and I feel great success in how much I have overcome. I feel very positive, hopeful with my continued progress, and healing. I find comfort and hope in other survivors and their stories when I am not so fragile to be able to read them. If you are in a healthy place and able to share your story, please do. You can help countless faceless people like me!

Here, here to strength, endurance, positivity, and the survivors from all sorts of tragedy who share their stories!

I do not feel so sad now, but I did realize that some of that sad feeling was triggered by the realization that I felt that the conversation this morning reflected that many people do not think about stalking, abuse, bullying, Autism disabilities, neurological disorders, mental illness, cancer, disease, etc … and so on. They assume they know the facts and when they encounter someone who not only has lived it, but has also done the “homework” they still do not listen.

This really had nothing to do with David and our conversation.

It had to do with the fact that people assume a lot of things until it happens to them and then, they realize how much misinformation they have been fed by media and people in their circles. We all have to filter through voices, influences, our faulty beliefs, and seek what is true and what is not. We have to be critical thinkers for ourselves and be compassionate human beings in the process. Well, I will try anyway.

Links in no particular order.

Stalking

Stalking Resource Center

Stalking Awareness

Help for Victims

RAINN

Child Sexual Abuse Prevention Information Packet

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04/8/13

Bullies, Urg!

I am quite tired, but I could not sleep until I wrote this so if there are grammatical errors or major issues just ignore them please. Rest assured I will reread this again tomorrow.

I have to write this out so I can stop looping about it. Tonight Ariel encountered her first experience with a bully. I had no idea when I went to get her after my spin (cycle) class. She was happily playing basketball with a little boy when I went to get her. She hopped over to me and was all smiles. I felt something off, but figured it was just me because I have had an off kind of feeling all day. As we walked down the hall and I asked her, my usual questions about how everything went, who she met, what she did, she told me that a girl “a’chooed” in her hair.

I did not hear that, I heard “A girl chewed on my hair.”

I looked at her confused and asked why she did that. The visual in my head threw me and I wondered why on earth would someone chew on another person’s hair? She said that she did not know. By the time, we got out the doors Ariel was almost in tears. I stopped and sat down with her on the bench and asked her exactly what had happened. She told me that the girl sneezed in her hair on purpose and then, chased her and would not stop. I asked her if she told her to stop and she had. I asked her if she ran in and told the assistants and she said that she had not. I then, asked her why. She could not really give any words, but I knew the feeling being I have been bullied plenty in my lifetime.

I asked her if the girl was still in there, she said no she left.

I asked her if she told the assistants afterwards she said no. I asked her if she wanted me to go in and talk to them, she said, “No, I just want to go home.” At that point, she started to cry. I felt horrible, I scooped her up and held her tight and let her cry. I could not stop asking questions because I was in “Mommy Lioness” mode, but I decided that she had enough of the questions. I was trying to gauge how serious the situation was and whether I needed to address it immediately. I still do not have all of the information about what happened, I will let her share in her time.

I let her know that I was going to take care of it the next time we went.

I told her what a brave and strong little girl that she is and not to let this stop her from making new friends or going to the YMCA. I will speak with the two women that are there on Monday nights next week. On the way home, after my anger subsided, I started to think of the little girl. I shared with Ariel that we have no idea why people do those kinds of things. I told her of all the possible reasons that I could think of and even shared that maybe her family behaves like that, or she has older siblings who pick on her. We just do not know, but that it is not acceptable. I am going to use some tools to help her process this without it instilling fear or triggering her anxieties – I hope.

After the few moments I spent on the possibly why’s, I asked her to tell me about all the kids she did have fun with.

I asked her about who she played with and if she remembered any names. We both have issues with remembering names. She did remember a couple of them! We spent some time together at home and she is feeling much better. She shared a little bit more before she went to bed. She told me that when she got there the girl was harassing another girl and some of the other kids were saying “cat fight.”

I sighed.

It reminded me of an older post I wrote What’s Up With Girls? I may have been a little pushy with my question asking with Ariel, but I felt it was important that I understood how serious the incident was so I knew how to handle it properly. My first instincts were much fierier than, what I am sharing now, but Ariel did not want that she just wanted to be held. She wanted me to listen to her and comfort her. Ariel is much like me when it comes to processing these things. The good thing is that she feels comfortable talking to me about it. She wants to share in her time. She did not get the speech I got to “suck it up” and “ignore” them.

For the record that DOES NOT work.

She felt heard, understood, and accepted. I could have handled it a bit better, but I think for our first run with a bully I did all right. We will see how next Monday goes. I do not think it will be an issue, there is a no tolerance bully policy and if there is any confusion I will be happy to give them resources about what bullying is and how it needs to be handled.

However, I do not think it will be necessary.

I did have several other resources regarding bullying, but I am too tired to locate them at the moment. If you have any great resources please share. It is always beneficial to get information out about bullying and how to help and get help for children and parents.

Bullying Definition

The Roles Kids Play

11 Facts About Bullying

Bullies: What is Bullying (PBS Kids)

More About Bullying

Definitely, worth sharing again.