Category Archives: Poetry

10/23/09

Fitting In (Poem)

Fitting In

Hand over mouth.
Eyes closed tight.
Deafening my ears.
Blinding my sight.

Cannot speak-Think me insane.
Cannot see-Too much pain.
Cannot hear-Least I fall.
Cannot stop-The masses call.

Aching stomach-Just fit in.
Head spinning-Withstand I sin.
Bitter taste-They spit me out.
Sickening smell-Their zig zag route.

Laughing hyenas closing in,
Open my eyes their games begin.
Ripping and shredding unto death,
I failed their wicked morbid tests.

“You were supposed to be like us!”
I feel their wretched blood lust,
head is about to bust.
“We accept you, but our way is the must!”

Fetal position-Surrounded with fear.
Head hidden-Anxiety here.
Clasping arms-Make it go away.
Rocking back and forth-No words to say.

Staring ahead-Just find my peace.
Emotionless face-Need this all to cease.
Mind racing-It won’t stop.
Eyes glaring-Back to the top.

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09/19/09

Reminding Myself

There are days sometimes weeks where I get pretty down when it comes to Daniel’s progress. They are the times when we have struggled and he seems like he is never going to talk normal, go potty on the toilet, eat different kinds of food, or write with a pen, EVER! During those times when I am feeling that I have to find ways to remind myself that what I am feeling is not true.

Today is one of those days.

The last two weeks have been pretty rough because the kids have been sick and we have started this new school schedule. We are all trying to get on track and get with the groove. When  Daniel doesn’t participate I get so frustrated and hard on myself. I begin to think I haven’t done enough. I am not helping him enough. I feel like a failure.

The truth gets clouded with my own sensory issues and AS stuff.

It seems that I go through cycles in my mind where everything is great and I can see all of the progress in Daniel. Then I get hit with “OMG he is never going to get there!”  Which is not true at at all. When I sit down and rationally look at it he has not regressed in over a year. He has been progressing in every area. Other people can see it but I don’t. At this very moment he is playing with Joshua. He is talking to him, he is telling him about jumping as they jump on the bed. (the mattress is on the floor no box spring) He has been with us all day, he hasn’t secluded himself with the computer once or gone into a different room.

He has been talking to me and playing with us all day.

Why do I feel like I am failing him? Why do I get so down and have panic attacks about his progress? I have so many other questions and fears fill my mind but I am choosing not to listen to them. Instead I am going to fix my mind on what is really happening here. Any progress is HUGE! As I think of that I am reminded of Daniel uttering the words I once thought would never escape his lips. “I love you”.

I didn’t have to say it first, I didn’t have to do anything.

One afternoon Daniel looked at me straight in the eyes and said “I love you”. I am reminded of this because he said it again this afternoon. Not only did he say that but he was letting me kiss his face and then he in turn kissed mine. He kept kissing my cheeks and then gave me a kiss on the lips. Two years ago Daniel wouldn’t let us hug him, let alone kiss him. He barely even acknowledged any of us. He would spend hours all by himself in his room and not want anything to do with us.

So when I feel this way again I need to read this so I am reminded of the time I once thought he would never, because I need to remember HE WILL.

 

A True Gift

A joyful day I must express,
The words professed from my sons own lips.

My heart skipped a beat and to my surprise,
My son who often doesn’t speak looked in my eyes;

Then he professed the words to me
The words I didn’t know if he knew, you see.

The words “I love you” were spoken to me
From my boy who is finally getting free.

It Can Get Better

Calling his name over and over again,
Looking at me blankly…

My God is he there?

Talking and talking still no response.
Crying and praying make this all stop!

Does he know me?

Will he be a part of our world?

Kicking and screaming once again,
He can’t tell me what he needs.

Endless tears, it feels like eternity.
Is this the life for him and me?

People don’t know some don’t care,
As I watch my son feeling despair.

Days I have cried and shouted out loud,
Help my boy make him alright!

Stop his pain just let him be able to play.
Let him have friends and be ok!

But the light shown through and I saw a glimpse.
Never give up, no not a chance.

I know he hears, feels, and sees.
He is a child just like any other who is free.

Free from the burdens of a different mind,
But I wouldn’t change him; not on your life!

My little boy is coming out,
Speaking his words and playing about.

Laughter fills his mouth and a smile is there.

My little boy trying new things.
We are moving on, we won’t be the same.

He has shown me what true love really is.
It breaks my heart and fills me with joy.

I jump up and down because he tried new food!

I get a huge smile when he speaks to me,
some of these things I thought would never be.

Tears fill my eyes because I am so happy.
Daniel is who he is supposed to be.

Everyday is better,
Every moment I cherish.

What a God send he has been for me.

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09/10/09

Identity Lost, Identity Found

Who are you?
What are you doing here?
I look at you in the mirror but I don’t recognize you.

Where is me?
Lost in the midst of group mentality?
Found in a hedge of defiance.
I have to grasp myself again.

Stripped down to nothing to regain my soul.
Vision and life set to the tune of real.
Cannot sit and take it anymore
Status quo is not who I am!

Kicking and screaming
It’s too hard to believe
Own selfish motives trying to make me into you.

Gasp at the thought.

Oh, my God it’s true!

Breaking out of your devilish scheme
Here I am the real me.

Identity lost
True identity found

Thanks for the adventure
On to a new journey.

Look in the mirror,
Oh, there you are
All stripped down and naked again.

Embracing rejection the joy of pain.
I’d rather be me and not have you;
than live hating myself.

Shaking off the dust.

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09/10/09

Possibilities

Destined for creativity.
A purposeful plan.
No other human but me can withstand.

All meant for me a great deal to do.
Love and adventure set before me,
It’s true!

I have a passion
A desire
A dream

You can’t take it.
It must be seen.

Don’t try to stop me!
Don’t tell me no!

Who are you anyway?
You think you know best?
Nothing but mediocre.
Possibly less.

I got to move,
I got to go.
If I don’t do it I’ll never know.

Life in a moment,
Truth in my grasp.
Nothing can stop me,
I have passed the test!

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09/10/09

Wandering Butterfly

Riding on the wind, so free and real.
Can’t break my soul, I’m ever so still.

Constant chatter of nonsense–No depth
You call this freedom, I call it death.

Bondage is broken, lives are changed.
Power of oneness; but you complain.

Only you are right?
Your truth shall remain?
We need to evolve, look at all the pain.

We cannot sit back–Watch and play
While countless people wither away.

For the sake of your soap box;
you will not love?
Good bye religion and your fake love!

A God who says you are good.
A God who loves you with no strings.
Let real love flow from wandering beings.

New life in you of love, joy, and peace.
Real love empowers, strengthens, and helps your needs.

Wandering butterfly, where have you been?

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05/29/09

Poem Regarding Certain People’s Love

Soul Thief

Lights went out all is dark.
Life is filled with snide remarks.
Some fake replies.
Can you be real and let go of your lies?
 
Mindless banter use other’s words;
try taking action and stop being so absurd.
Stop your religion and set people free.
 
Hold on tight to your creeds;
your loving acts are senseless deeds.
Continue on your quest for right but don’t hold people in your might.
 
You don’t see, you do not hear,
all you want is the crowds cheer.
Oh, how great and so pristine,
with your holy life so pure and clean.
 
Yet you say oh, I am such a wretch,
I needed Jesus to get me out of my ditch.
So on and so on your flattering words.
Empty and vacant leaving us without hope but you have yours.
 
Sad and lonely you will always be,
taking and taking for eternity.
Living your life at the expense of ours,
saying you love us as you wound us and leave scars.
 
Thanks so much for stopping by,
taking my life, sucking me dry.
Let’s meet again when you need more a fill,
this time I’ll remember I am not paying your bill.

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05/29/09

A Poem Regarding the Great Escape

Here is some of the emotion I felt during that time.

Leaving Them Behind

Falling, falling, falling face down
where is my stable ground?
Shifting, spinning out of whack,
yes it is a panic attack.

What kind of fear what kind of sense;
can derail me from being in the right state of tense?

Who are you and what am I doing here?
So many questions, can’t comprehend who’s near.

Drifting, drifting, to my quiet place,
no one knows I keep the same face.

Cannot recall what they really mean.
I am in a state of constant but never seen.
They have no idea who I really am,
nor will they take the time to understand.

Shaping, molding into the right place.
Not on your life, no mold can I embrace!

Yelling, kicking, screaming inside,
not much longer can I hide.
I have disdain for your feeble tales,
talking of nonsense, as boring as snails.

Left you all and you didn’t notice!
So is it true you never really cared?
I bet you would if the mold would have prevailed.

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05/15/09

Hit My Wall

My wall

About a year and half ago I hit my wall. I was under a huge amount of stress. David was working from home but he didn’t have an office so I had to try to keep two three years and a one year old quiet. Not happening. Daniel was at his worse, every day he was flipping out. While we were in another state, we couldn’t find a church home or friends to connect with so for almost five years I was with the kids and David. We had many connections with multiple churches but we were not connected. I didn’t get out of the house. It was very hard. So when we moved here I was desperate to meet people and get out.

No one gets it.

We started going to a church it seemed good at first. Let’s just say it wasn’t the right fit for us. People really seemed not interested in what was going on with us especially Daniel. I would try to tell them but it seemed like they heard the word “autism” and that was it “we are praying for healing”. So I started just saying he had “sensory issues”. It was just easier. I wanted him to be healed but I didn’t really understand what that meant. For me I just wanted his pain to stop and my pain to stop. I couldn’t share with anyone there what I was feeling. When I tried to share with them what life was like for us and they were very uninterested.

I was misunderstood, unheard, manipulated to feel as though I wasn’t “spiritual” enough, and really hurt. I actually take responsibility for most of this because I was trying to get people to understand who are not capable. Not because they are not intelligent enough but because they operate in a system that is not the same as mine. I tried to get them to understand my system and they don’t want to they are perfectly happy with their system and either you get on board or you get out. So we got out.

This is how I have felt at these times with Daniel.

My screaming child, what do I do?
I tried all I can to help you.
Your pain so deep.
Oh, God why can’t he just communicate?

Tormented by things I cannot see.
How do I comfort you please, tell me please?
There is something wrong I know, I can see,
just give me the answer so you can be free.

My heart is breaking before my eyes.
My little boy as he sits and cries.

Nothing I can do.
Nothing I can say.
He is tormented each and every day.

I can’t comfort my little guy.
I am getting angry too; what do I try?

No one understands.
No one feels the same.
Watching my son in so much pain.

God help him, help me!
I can’t take it anymore.

What do I do?
How can I say, I just can’t take this one more day.

He is my son.
I love him so; but something has got to give;
I have got to know.

How do I help him and me today?
Give me the ability to go on another day.

Tired and weak.
So deep is my cry.

Help my child be at peace today.
Take away his pain and fears so he can play.

Just let him be happy let him have fun.
My little boy I see in his eyes;
glimpses of joy and laughter they come.

They give me hope I know he is in there;
waiting to come out with no more fear.

My little boy will be free and live a most joyful life;
full of laughter and peace.

All is quiet the screaming will cease.

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05/13/09

In the Beginning

I remember when Daniel was born he was first; he paved the way for his twin sister and made the whole experience very quick and easy. He turned head down at about six months and stayed that way until the end. He was so far down I thought he was just going to come out at any time. When I saw him I only had a moment because the doctor asked if I wanted to rest and then said if I did my little girl may go breech. So I didn’t take a break I said “let’s go I can’t have that”. Seven minutes later there she was my precious Ariel.

My twins are finally here!

I got to hold Daniel right away but it was very short. I had to wait until we got to the room to finally enjoy him. They were so beautiful. It was such an awesome experience and I was filled with joy. I remember thinking I didn’t know if I could love them. I was sort of afraid that I wouldn’t be able to love them the way they needed to be loved. They were so precious and such amazing gifts. I thought everything would be great. Just like the pregnancy and birth. It was all so good and went so well.

I thought now we will just be like everyone else with kids.

I had the image in my mind that we would all be happy and normal. At least my kids, I didn’t think they could possibly suffer from any of the things I suffered from. I came from teenage parents who got a divorce when I was three. Lower income up into my teenage years, living in a trailer. My mom being divorced and my dad remarried to my step mom with their own family. Being bullied and made fun of all through school, suffering from anxiety and depression from as far back as I can remember.

No way would our children ever have the same fears and issues as me!

David and I am happy, stable, we work hard at keeping peace and balance in our household. Surely our kids would be able to enjoy life and not have any problems. Right?

My Kids

Bright and smiling they lead me to join
into the trumpet of laughter and song.

The questions they had for me today,
gave me hope in a new way.

Dancing and leaping just because,
what fun it is to live life as bright as the sun.

We have such peace, wonder, and love.
Countless moments and many to come.

They make me better they make me right.
They cause me not to be so uptight.

They fill me with awe and surprise.
Wonderful gifts that no money could buy.

Unique and different in every way,
I can’t say no when I hear “Mom, let’s play”!

They are perfect in everyway,
being themselves as they play.

All frustrations wash away,
when I see their smiles throughout the day.

My prayer for them is that they will be
truly who they were created to be and live their life completely free.

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