Random event stole my mind,

train of thought,

so unkind.

Past experiences all I have,

only hurts of what was not said.

Tears they well and fill my eyes,

aching heart,

no peace inside,

sad in this moment,

just want to sleep.

I know in my heart this too shall pass,

but wanting so much to heal from my past,

I cry out for someone to feel!

Do you understand my isolation and fear?

Just when time started to fade,

the healing process almost negate.

Pulling from strength beyond my own,

reaching for comfort in a world beyond.

All of my fears whisper away,

hearing that voice call to me say

“You do matter in this world to ME”.

Facing my fears can help heal the pain,

look at how much has already been gained.

Life is too precious,

to great to stay here,

get up and walk and face my fears.

I am not sure why but I have been feeling sad all week. It is getting to me. I am trying not to feel down but I am for whatever reason. I do have a lot of things flowing through my mind and I am dealing with feelings of isolation and loneliness. David and I talked last night and there are some issues that I have been struggling with for years that came to the service. I am trying to find my balance in myself now that I am no longer second guessing myself in many areas.

It is hard to be comfortable with your thoughts and feelings when most of the people around you are saying that they are wrong for me to feel and have. I have allowed people to cause me to feel as if I have no value. I have allowed myself to believe that I have no value. I don’t know how to be ok with not doing that anymore. I tried to write to get out what it is that is bothering but I just don’t have the words to describe it yet, this is all I could get out.

Invisible

I am a shadow,

A vision unseen.

My words are vapors,

Gone like a dream.

Hands reach out,

Look at me I say!

Give me some hope,

A glimpse, a ray?

Walking in the mix of the crowd,

Hurt and ache my silent shroud.

Lost in the midst of forgotten friends,

They never knew me, where could they begin.

Shape shifter—me!

Busting inside, so much to share,

Passersby, not even a glare.

Words, my shadow, lifeless gleam.

Now and forgotten not heard or seen.

Inspired

Words, rhymes, rhythms and tunes make me leap all about the room.
Hammering notes pounding drums fill my heart I feel as one.
Flowing, moving I confess,
the poems wrap around me as my dress.

Though I am naked for all to see,
I am covered in these words you sing to me.

Exposed, my face reveals it all,
the words of your song unveil my fall.
Your litanies, they rise me, they wake me up.
I am ready to swallow my cup.

Damned if I do, damned if I don’t,
have to get it out, words flowing like smoke.
Round and round head spinning indeed,
can’t stop the master’s fire burning in me.

Open your mouth let creation flow,
get out your words in song, story, dialogue.
Paint to your hearts very desire,
dance as your very legs really are on fire.

Don’t cover the passion deep inside,
embrace your gifting with nothing to hide.
Scream and shout till your day is done,
plant all your seeds until your battle is won.
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Dreams

Living my life of happenstance,
grasping to my dream.
Looking for serendipity to call out my name.

Waiting for the new train to come
Take me far away.
The silver lining of my cloud
To pounce on me today.

Seeing in my looking glass
the fullness of my wish.
Sitting still in one place
Fear I’ll miss my boat.

Walking down my road a new,
Finding my new found fame.
Still waiting for serendipity-she never called my name.

Lost my dream,
Missed my train,
My cloud just flew away.

Unfortunate chain of events-
My looking glass broke today.
The road I was on fell apart,
New friends not so smart.

I left it all behind me-
Picked up my mat went on my way.
Thinking of a new dream I can accomplish this day.
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I started taking stories from the Bible and writing poems of the movies that played out in my head as I read them. These are my first two.

Adam’s Lonely

Let’s play.
Stay with me.
Let’s spend the day together.
Where are you going?

Deep sadness.
He left again.
He is all around, but never at my grasp.

I miss Him.
I’m lonely.
Someone to talk to?
Someone to share all this beauty?

Will You?
I want You!
Don’t leave me!
Come back, sit talk to me.

You hear me talk all the time,
but You never talk back.
Only when You are here.
It’s not enough!
I want more of You.

Run, jump into His arms.
His loving embrace,
all loneliness is gone.

Stay with me.
I love to hear Your voice.
I want to talk about all I’ve learned.
Spend the day with me, just today.

Don’t say it. NO!
“You’re on your own son”
“I gave this to you”
“It’s not enough, that I Am all around you?”

You don’t understand.
Just stay with me.
I need Your companionship,
not Your presence

Eve Conceived

Deep sleep.
Dreams consuming.
Lost in peace.

Colors of light flowing around.
Swirling laughter, happy sounds.

Feeling connected once again.
The touch of wholeness,
Deep inside.

Wait!

Something is missing.
Something has been taken from me.
Empty.
An empty space.

The wholeness is gone.
Oh, how I long for the embrace.
The touch of His hand on my face.
Longing, desiring for our hearts to be as one.

Coughing.
Gasping.
Choking.
Awake.

Eyes opened to a loving embrace.
Looking into the eyes of Grace.

“You will not be lonely anymore”
I look at the creature,
I’ve never seen before.

A vision of beauty.
A face as mine.
Asleep.

“Whisper to her, tell her to breathe”
Ok…wait…what does this mean?
“She is yours, from your flesh she is born”

Questions flooding my mind.
Mixed emotions.
Good and bad.
For some reason I am both happy and sad.

Torn between two lovers.
What do I do?
“I can’t answer that, I did this for you”
How great the cost is this going to be?

I decide my own fate?
She is still asleep, no life in her yet-
Oh, beautiful creature.

I turn, I run back to Him.
Don’t let me go!
Decide for me!
I can’t, I can’t.

What do I do?
“I’ve given you the choice, what will you choose?”

NO!

I won’t answer, it’s too hard.

Just stay with me.
Let’s eat, have a meal.
Let’s talk like we used to.
I’ll tell You what I feel.

“You need to decide, what will it be?”
“You will no longer be lonely”
“I can’t give you what you want, not the way you think it should be”

Ok, just hold me for a while.
It will never be the same.
Tears flow down both our faces.
It will never be the same.

The cost for companionship,
With a creature of my own-
Lonely?

Hold me a little while longer.
Let us cry together, one heartbeat-pain and joy.
Something was lost.
We won’t have it again.

Good bye Sweet Lover.
Good bye My Friend.

Time?
Deep sigh.
I move forward and whisper in this creature’s ear-
Breathe

Gasp.
Life fills her lungs.
Heartbeat.
Moving up and down.

Another gasp.
Eyes open.
Sitting up, looking around.

Our eyes lock.
Oh, beautiful creature.
Smile so soft.
We are one.

I turn to thank Him,
He is gone, in an instant but still around.
We both feel sorrow and pain,
We both feel joy and great love.

It can never be the same.

It is raining, cold and gray outside. I dislike days like this when it’s been longer than a day and it has been three days. I am a person in need of the sunshine. However, the good things about these days is that it wells up past emotions or thoughts that I have had and that always makes me feel like writing poetry. I use poetry to try to express what I do not understand going on in my mind or to express what I feel about a certain topic but don’t know how. I also use poetry to try to relate to things that I feel I cannot. I hopped on my computer to look at some of my poems and found a whole slew of them I had forgotten about. As I read through them I was comforted and pained. I am comforted because I no longer feel the same intensity of pain with the confusion but I am also pained because I feel the emotion with great intensity still. It’s like living out the day all over again that caused me to push out these words to feel a release.

Not all of the poems are from pain.

I also feel great joy and another word, that seems like embarrassment about the positive ones, but it isn’t really embarrassment, maybe exposed is the word. I am not sure I can explain it. Anyway I am going to put some of them up to share, maybe they will touch someone’s heart, who knows. Here I am exposed.

Interesting I found this one since I just wrote about it on one of my posts. The document date was 6/19/10 it took this long to get the words to write a post.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________

Misinterpreted

Accosted by words,
Penetrated by the waves,
Violated by the very breath, you speak.

Lingering whispers spinning around my soul,
Past, future, present
Defiled day by day,

Never ending torture of mishaps.
Ravishing my outer cortex,
Consumed by my inner being.

Despoil.

I have been desecrated,
By the humor of your voice.
While the laughter saturated,
My mind was molested.

No longer a heart to withstand,
Violence came to mind.
Weak and weary,
I rested under the looms of your love.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________

I wrote this in April 2010.

Beauty

Pretending the dream,

Mascara rubbed to flakes,

Eye shadow and eye liner smeared to ruins,

Blood red lips dripping with tears,

Hair in a mass of spaghetti strings,

Nails tattered, broken and frail,

Skin rippling from sun stained days,

Stomach hollowed no longer needs food,

Skeleton bones protruding through.

Smile still plastered upon her face,

Scaling glances,

She is a disgrace,

The very thing we all must deny,

The shadow of truth as she passes by.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________

I wrote this one in April 2010 as well and it’s about me discovering that finding out about autism helped me to find the real me, who had been there all along.

There She Is

I weep over the shadow that was once me.

A shadow, whisper

A shadowy figure that continues to hover,
The light shines through it some days.

I weep for the loss of the unknown.

Darkness seemed an eternity,
Glimpses reflecting some hope
That I could see.

Walked away into a crimson cover,
The shadowy figure was the real me.

The smile arose,
Life did explode,
Captured awareness, I was never told.

Taunts and visions of the untrue
I walked into the mirror,
Forever made new.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________

I wrote this one July 2010, I remember that day I was typing an email and looked down at the key board for a second, my wedding ring had caught the light from the monitor. I was struck by the dings, the Hebrew writing and the full acceptance that David and I have for one another represented in the tarnished and scratched up most beautiful ring I have ever worn.

The Ring

Heaven’s words written upon,
Shining, glistening, cold and worn.
Dents and dings reveal the strife,
Whispers lyrics-an eternal life.

Cords of three never to untie,
Spinning joy,
Hardships –content sigh

Laughter lingering in and through,
Thick and dense,
Bound to last,
Dirty character,
Solid cast.

Silver gleam bursting out,
Shadows peaking all about.
A fixture tight and to remain,
Giving expression to words we claim.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________

Some of my poems still have too painful of explanations to share but they can mean something to someone else that is the great thing about poetry it doesn’t have to be about what the poet writes about.

Gave Up

The admirable impetuosity

Saved my life!

Vehement mission

To hold on to what’s right,

Boldness of battle,
Wiliness to fight!

Silenced.

Choked out never to be heard.

Suppressed heart,
The fight was not reassured.

Quieted tears,
Snuffed out pain,
Longing moments to see that fight again.

The Mask of the Man

Buzzing of voices, computers, children and girls,
Chattering, chaotic, sounds forming the walls.

Years, decades of life consumed,
Running from reality—a tomb.

Slipping matters, veiled his eyes.
Heart overtaken couldn’t fight the lies.

Withered rubble of once was there
Greek formed body, all that is left

Shallow talk
No one remembers who he was
Seeking approval from youth—save me!

The music no longer a dream
The one he chased above all things.

Layers and layers wrapped around
Until his real voice no longer made a sound.

The Play

Twinkling light,
Dwindling flame,
Mind erasing sadness-shame.

Answered questions,
Damsel dreams,
Empty thoughts-too extreme.

Non-sense raptured, We’re so unclean.

Counting time,
Twirling fine,
Drunkenness as of wine.

Thoughts they ponder,
Drift away,
Mastering this life-our play.

The New Rulers of the World

Ruby red!
Violent Screams!
Jiggling voices,
Raging machines.

Hampered children,
Mundane scenes,
Taking this world to insane means.

Isolation,
Whimpered hearts,
Not allowed to speak their parts.

Left alone,
With no soul,
Wishing for someone to know.

Chains and whips upon their minds,
Getting worse with the times.
Arrogance fueled by their fear,
No one even really cares!

Lifeless bodies do unfold,
Falling into sexual molds.
Filtering, faltering into death,
Because they have no breath.

I do not involve David in a lot of my posts because that is the way he likes it. The least amount of information about him the better but I want to share a little bit about him.  We have an incredible story that one day I will finally have all written down to share, especially for our children. It is a miracle that we found each other, at one moment of our lives one of us was on the west coast and the other was almost as far as you can get on the east coast of the states. Then many years later, we literally lived three minutes apart, staring up at the sky late in the evening stars, whispering to the God of Heaven to answer our prayers for our one true love.

David is my soul mate and ever lasting love.

We do not have mushy gushy love. LOL! We have a love that reaches to the inner parts of our souls that can only be satisfied by the art of discussion, intrigue, and the interesting act of being completely open and honest but with the ability to still be a mystery to one another. For us that has only been made possible through the Almighty God, because all other human forces have failed for us. Through our own manipulation or the manipulation of others, we were never satisfied, never fulfilled and never happy. Once we were made whole, by accepting never finding each other, that is the moment when our worlds collided and we became one almost in an instant.

David and I sharpen each other.

We challenge each other, we make each other better. Without his confidence in me, I never would have been able to accept the challenges I have faced within myself the last few years. I have faced abuse, insecurities, fears, and my many doubts. He helped build life into my soul that so many had destroyed. He gave me acceptance that no one else ever had and I did the same for him. We worked together and made a life that we are very happy with and protective of. He saw in me things that I didn’t know existed and he helped bring them out. David has been my solid foundation and has never led me astray.

Yet we both know that we are fully capable of failing each other and we do.

That is the amazing thing, we fail and yet we fully accept it, embrace it, acknowledge it and use it to make sure we do not fall into disillusionment. We have respect for each other and love to laugh with one another. We feel that our marriage is not possible without the hand of God keeping us intertwined with His love, the kind of love that has no agenda or selfish motive, without that we are not able to love happily. We have to continually lay that down but with David it isn’t something I struggle with, it just happens without thought. He makes it easy and enjoyable to live life with him, to raise our children with, and to be in peaceful content. He accepts all of my quirkiness, sassiness, sometimes insanity and  he continually motivates me. That is all I will share for now.

US

our souls fought this world to find each other,
we settled, sacrificed, gave up and hurt others–looking.

dreams faded,
slowly swept away.

lives settled to a place–alone.
found our peace,
but still gaping was the hole.

day break!
instant unity!
we leaped from the earth.

flying eternity,
intertwined mission.

laughing all the while.
solid.

overflowing, abundance
galaxies of grandeur fulfilled.

Sweaty.

Lingering.

Cold and wet.

Warm and slothly.

Is this over yet?

Dry.

Cracking.

Strong, intense.

Why must we do this?

Germs.

Dirt.

Ache in my bones.

Can’t focus now,

Am I alone?

Spike—Adrenaline straight to my head.

Anxiety hit, all reason has fled.

People like vultures,

Whispers I hear.

Fight or flight?

Irrational fear.

Spinning, dizzy, nauseous, sink.

Statue state–unable to speak.

Dazing, lump, bubble surrounds.

Laughing, heckling, morbid– ear ripping sounds.

Shaking to consciousness, back to their world.

Find my voice, but still not heard.

Forced smile, trite words are spoke.

Run to safety as if we never shook.

How does it not feel, like a lie?
Pretending, laughing but angry inside.

Looking intently but not really care,
Ask “how are you doing?”
But for reasons unclear.

Longing to feel like you just fit in,
When words of uniqueness are said,
You do pretend.

Listening for the moment to jump right on in,
Never a word heard from your talkative friend.

Expressions meaningless,
Not really true.

What is this hidden world that you all do?
Some so filled with anxiety, other with fear,
Then there are ones who demand the whole affair.

Was that a smile, a wink, a sigh?
Not sure what was just said,
I’m stuck on the lie.

Say one thing but mean another,
Stand with your pitch forks to conform another.

Chaos, confusion they consume my mind.
Just having lunch, we’re having a good time.

Back and forth my mind does get mixed,
Raging at the words you just spoke to me,
Somehow I mistook, literally.

Say what you mean,
Stop messing with me!

I have learned my lesson,

Don’t say a word.
Sit back and smile,
Just as you should.

Clicking tongue,

Gnawing jaw,

Flapping lips,

Flippant one.

Cackling smile,

Winter breeze,

Twinkling eyes,

Rivers freed.

Listening ears,

Gloating sighs,

Bitter hearts,

Mesmerized.

Spewing laughter,

Fitting in,

Turn your back,

You are one of them.

My Reality

A spectrum of colors flowing around,
red, orange, yellow, green, blue,
violet encircle you now.

They don’t stop there,
there’s much more to see,
red-violet, purple-gold,
white-silver threading from me.

Entering in your imagination,
your mind,
opening up your thoughts,
here there is no place, no time.

Circles and swirling,
spheres all around,
in marvelous colors,
you begin to escape the ground.

Lifting higher and higher,
you soar,
all around in my world,
of color and sound.

Smelling a sound,
tasting a touch,
hearing a color,
my world offers so much.

All of the numbers dance around,
I see them alive and breathing,
do you hear their sound?

Lights’ flashing,
like glorious rain,
music has now just,
entered your brain.

Feeling the rhythm,
the chords, the beat,
now filling your body the voice,
oh so sweet.

Tracers are racing,
in a mystical sense,
consuming your body,
take it all in.

This is what’s natural,
this is what’s real,
my world full of color, smell,
sound, taste so intense.

Can you taste the red?
It tastes like flutter.
Can you taste the blue?
Sometimes I shudder.

Can you feel the light entering in?
It brings peace and calm deep within.

Can you hear the black?
The sound is a hush.
Can you feel the green?
It’s an amazing rush.

Covering, a blanket,
that shadows you in,
bringing you happiness,
oh, here comes the number 10!

Laughter fills your belly,
a nice surprise,
the dancing numbers,
bring joy to your eyes.

Marching in rows,
count them 1, 2, 3,
making this spectrum,
of chaos not be.

There is a reason,
a perfect world,
full of numbers,
color, and senses to explore.

Embrace my world,
come with me,
stay a while,
maybe you’ll see.

Your mind is filled,
with visions, pictures come alive,
yellow is more vibrant,
and splashes you inside.

Speckles and drips, of flinging colors,
spreading out from different places,
people and things.
You don’t even notice now,
it is all sane.

A world so fantastic,
amazing and full,
rich with intensity,
but warm and cool.

Shrouded in colors,
too deep to reveal,
you finally understand,
some of what I feel.

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