Archive for the ‘Poetry’ Category
April 9th, 2010 | 
Author: I do not involve David in a lot of my posts because that is the way he likes it. The least amount of information about him the better but I want to share a little bit about him. We have an incredible story that one day I will finally have all written down to share, especially for our children. It is a miracle that we found each other, at one moment of our lives one of us was on the west coast and the other was almost as far as you can get on the east coast of the states. Then many years later, we literally lived three minutes apart, staring up at the sky late in the evening stars, whispering to the God of Heaven to answer our prayers for our one true love.
David is my soul mate and ever lasting love.
We do not have mushy gushy love. LOL! We have a love that reaches to the inner parts of our souls that can only be satisfied by the art of discussion, intrigue, and the interesting act of being completely open and honest but with the ability to still be a mystery to one another. For us that has only been made possible through the Almighty God, because all other human forces have failed for us. Through our own manipulation or the manipulation of others, we were never satisfied, never fulfilled and never happy. Once we were made whole, by accepting never finding each other, that is the moment when our worlds collided and we became one almost in an instant.
David and I sharpen each other.
We challenge each other, we make each other better. Without his confidence in me, I never would have been able to accept the challenges I have faced within myself the last few years. I have faced abuse, insecurities, fears, and my many doubts. He helped build life into my soul that so many had destroyed. He gave me acceptance that no one else ever had and I did the same for him. We worked together and made a life that we are very happy with and protective of. He saw in me things that I didn’t know existed and he helped bring them out. David has been my solid foundation and has never led me astray.
Yet we both know that we are fully capable of failing each other and we do.
That is the amazing thing, we fail and yet we fully accept it, embrace it, acknowledge it and use it to make sure we do not fall into disillusionment. We have respect for each other and love to laugh with one another. We feel that our marriage is not possible without the hand of God keeping us intertwined with His love, the kind of love that has no agenda or selfish motive, without that we are not able to love happily. We have to continually lay that down but with David it isn’t something I struggle with, it just happens without thought. He makes it easy and enjoyable to live life with him, to raise our children with, and to be in peaceful content. He accepts all of my quirkiness, sassiness, sometimes insanity and he continually motivates me. That is all I will share for now. 
US
our souls fought this world to find each other,
we settled, sacrificed, gave up and hurt others–looking.
dreams faded,
slowly swept away.
lives settled to a place–alone.
found our peace,
but still gaping was the hole.
day break!
instant unity!
we leaped from the earth.
flying eternity,
intertwined mission.
laughing all the while.
solid.
overflowing, abundance
galaxies of grandeur fulfilled.
Posted in 
Sweaty.
Lingering.
Cold and wet.
Warm and slothly.
Is this over yet?
Dry.
Cracking.
Strong, intense.
Why must we do this?
Germs.
Dirt.
Ache in my bones.
Can’t focus now,
Am I alone?
Spike—Adrenaline straight to my head.
Anxiety hit, all reason has fled.
People like vultures,
Whispers I hear.
Fight or flight?
Irrational fear.
Spinning, dizzy, nauseous, sink.
Statue state–unable to speak.
Dazing, lump, bubble surrounds.
Laughing, heckling, morbid– ear ripping sounds.
Shaking to consciousness, back to their world.
Find my voice, but still not heard.
Forced smile, trite words are spoke.
Run to safety as if we never shook.
How does it not feel, like a lie?
Pretending, laughing but angry inside.
Looking intently but not really care,
Ask “how you are doing?”
But for reasons unclear.
Longing to feel like you just fit in,
When words of uniqueness are said,
You do pretend.
Listening for the moment to jump right on in,
Never a word heard from your talkative friend.
Expressions meaningless,
Not really true.
What is this hidden world that you all do?
Some so filled with anxiety, other with fear,
Then there are ones who demand the whole affair.
Was that a smile, a wink, a sigh?
Not sure what was just said,
I’m stuck on the lie.
Say one thing but mean another,
Stand with your pitch forks to conform another.
Chaos, confusion they consume my mind.
Just having lunch, we’re having a good time.
Back and forth my mind does get mixed,
Raging at the words you just spoke to me,
Somehow I mistook, literally.
Say what you mean,
Stop messing with me!
I have learned my lesson,
Don’t say a word.
Sit back and smile,
Just as you should.
Clicking tongue,
Gnawing jaw,
Flapping lips,
Flippant one.
Cackling smile,
Winter breeze,
Twinkling eyes,
Rivers freed.
Listening ears,
Gloating sighs,
Bitter hearts,
Mesmerized.
Spewing laughter,
Fitting in,
Turn your back,
You are one of them.
A spectrum of colors flowing around red, orange, yellow, green, blue, violet encircle you now.
They don’t stop there, there’s much more to see, red-violet, purple-gold, white-silver threading from me.
Entering in your imagination, your mind, opening up your thoughts, here there is no place, no time.
Circles and swirling, spheres all around in marvelous colors, you begin to escape the ground.
Lifting higher and higher, you soar, all around in my world of color and sound.
Smelling a sound, tasting a touch, hearing a color my world offers so much.
All of the numbers dance around, I see them alive and breathing, do you hear their sound?
Lights’ flashing, like glorious rain, music has now just entered your brain.
Feeling the rhythm, the chords, the beat, now filling your body the voice, oh so sweet.
Tracers are racing in a mystical sense, consuming your body take it all in.
This is what’s natural, this is what’s real, my world full of color, smell, sound, taste so intense.
Can you taste the red? It tastes like flutter.
Can you taste the blue? Sometimes I shudder.
Can you feel the light entering in? It brings peace and calm deep within.
Can you hear the black? The sound is a hush.
Can you feel the green? It’s an amazing rush.
Covering, a blanket that shadows you in, bringing you happiness, oh here comes the number 10!
Laughter fills your belly, a nice surprise the dancing numbers bring joy to your eyes.
Marching in rows count them 1, 2, 3, making this spectrum of chaos not be.
There is a reason, a perfect world full of numbers, color, and senses to explore.
Embrace my world, come with me, stay a while maybe you’ll see.
Your mind is filled with visions, pictures come alive, yellow is more vibrant and splashes you inside.
Speckles and drips of flinging colors spreading out from different places, people and things.
You don’t even notice now, it is all sane.
A world so fantastic, amazing and full, rich with intensity but warm and cool.
Shrouded in colors too deep to reveal, you finally understand some of what I feel.
Slowly, one drop rolling from my eyes.
Feeling the pain from deep inside,
Sitting, longing for a home,
acceptance is not what I have known.
Watch the people pass me by,
they never knew me, didn’t even try.
Lifting body out of reach,
I escaped into silence,
I am sitting on the beach.
Quiet, hush of wind goes by,
roaring waves crash, I sigh.
Alone and peaceful so tranquil,
lifted up, my soul flew there,
starting to laugh very loud, only I know why.
Seas of people invade my space,
still I am lonely, no connection with the human race.
Longing, wanting, needing, a friend,
still no one answers, I’m fading again.
We sit next to each other every week,
still no connection from which you speak.
Dancing lights, whispers sounds,
aching heart, I am still not found.
Tears they fall but are never seen,
sometimes I think this is all a dream.
When I awake, I will be at home,
I found my place, I no longer roam.
Fitting In
Hand over mouth.
Eyes closed tight.
Deafening my ears.
Blinding my sight.
Cannot speak-Think me insane.
Cannot see-Too much pain.
Cannot hear-Least I fall.
Cannot stop-The masses call.
Aching stomach-Just fit in.
Head spinning-Withstand I sin.
Bitter taste-They spit me out.
Sickening smell-Their zig zag route.
Laughing hyenas closing in,
Open my eyes their games begin.
Ripping and shredding unto death,
I failed their wicked morbid tests.
“You were supposed to be like us!”
I feel their wretched blood lust,
head is about to bust.
“We accept you, but our way is the must!”
Fetal position-Surrounded with fear.
Head hidden-Anxiety here.
Clasping arms-Make it go away.
Rocking back and forth-No words to say.
Staring ahead-Just find my peace.
Emotionless face-Need this all to cease.
Mind racing-It won’t stop.
Eyes glaring-Back to the top.
There are days sometimes weeks where I get pretty down when it comes to Daniel’s progress. They are the times when we have struggled and he seems like he is never going to talk normal, go potty on the toilet, eat different kinds of food, or write with a pen, EVER! During those times when I am feeling that I have to find ways to remind myself that what I am feeling is not true.
Today is one of those days.
The last two weeks have been pretty rough because the kids have been sick and we have started this new school schedule. We are all trying to get on track and get with the groove. When Daniel doesn’t participate I get so frustrated and hard on myself. I begin to think I haven’t done enough. I am not helping him enough. I feel like a failure.
The truth gets clouded with my own sensory issues and AS stuff.
It seems that I go through cycles in my mind where everything is great and I can see all of the progress in Daniel. Then I get hit with “OMG he is never going to get there!” Which is not true at at all. When I sit down and rationally look at it he has not regressed in over a year. He has been progressing in every area. Other people can see it but I don’t. At this very moment he is playing with Joshua. He is talking to him, he is telling him about jumping as they jump on the bed. (the mattress is on the floor no box spring) He has been with us all day, he hasn’t secluded himself with the computer once or gone into a different room.
He has been talking to me and playing with us all day.
Why do I feel like I am failing him? Why do I get so down and have panic attacks about his progress? I have so many other questions and fears fill my mind but I am choosing not to listen to them. Instead I am going to fix my mind on what is really happening here. Any progress is HUGE! As I think of that I am reminded of Daniel uttering the words I once thought would never escape his lips. “I love you”.
I didn’t have to say it first, I didn’t have to do anything.
One afternoon Daniel looked at me straight in the eyes and said “I love you”. I am reminded of this because he said it again this afternoon. Not only did he say that but he was letting me kiss his face and then he in turn kissed mine. He kept kissing my cheeks and then gave me a kiss on the lips. Two years ago Daniel wouldn’t let us hug him, let alone kiss him. He barely even acknowledged any of us. He would spend hours all by himself in his room and not want anything to do with us.
So when I feel this way again I need to read this so I am reminded of the time I once thought he would never, because I need to remember HE WILL.
A True Gift
A joyful day I must express,
The words professed from my sons own lips.
My heart skipped a beat and to my surprise,
My son who often doesn’t speak looked in my eyes;
Then he professed the words to me
The words I didn’t know if he knew, you see.
The words “I love you” were spoken to me
From my boy who is finally getting free.
It Can Get Better
Calling his name over and over again,
Looking at me blankly…
My God is he there?
Talking and talking still no response.
Crying and praying make this all stop!
Does he know me?
Will he be a part of our world?
Kicking and screaming once again,
He can’t tell me what he needs.
Endless tears, it feels like eternity.
Is this the life for him and me?
People don’t know some don’t care,
As I watch my son feeling despair.
Days I have cried and shouted out loud,
Help my boy make him alright!
Stop his pain just let him be able to play.
Let him have friends and be ok!
But the light shown through and I saw a glimpse.
Never give up, no not a chance.
I know he hears, feels, and sees.
He is a child just like any other who is free.
Free from the burdens of a different mind,
But I wouldn’t change him; not on your life!
My little boy is coming out,
Speaking his words and playing about.
Laughter fills his mouth and a smile is there.
My little boy trying new things.
We are moving on, we won’t be the same.
He has shown me what true love really is.
It breaks my heart and fills me with joy.
I jump up and down because he tried new food!
I get a huge smile when he speaks to me,
some of these things I thought would never be.
Tears fill my eyes because I am so happy.
Daniel is who he is supposed to be.
Everyday is better,
Every moment I cherish.
What a God send he has been for me.
Who are you?
What are you doing here?
I look at you in the mirror but I don’t recognize you.
Where is me?
Lost in the midst of group mentality?
Found in a hedge of defiance.
I have to grasp myself again.
Stripped down to nothing to regain my soul.
Vision and life set to the tune of real.
Cannot sit and take it anymore
Status quo is not who I am!
Kicking and screaming
It’s too hard to believe
Own selfish motives trying to make me into you.
Gasp at the thought.
Oh, my God it’s true!
Breaking out of your devilish scheme
Here I am the real me.
Identity lost
True identity found
Thanks for the adventure
On to a new journey.
Look in the mirror,
Oh, there you are
All stripped down and naked again.
Embracing rejection the joy of pain.
I’d rather be me and not have you;
than live hating myself.
Shaking off the dust.