Extension from previous post:

It did not help that I was criticized for what I watched, listened to, wore, read, said, or ate. I am sure they were not truly trying to criticize me, but when someone says: “You shouldn’t eat like that.” and I say jokingly: “I’m from (insert Midwest state here) what do you expect?” and they say: “Yes, well I can tell.” in a serious tone. How are you supposed to take that? How are you supposed to know that someone cares about you or sees any worth in you at all when they are constantly telling you things that need to be fixed, changed, and refined? How are you supposed to understand that you mean anything to them when they always put their interests above yours and the only words you hear are those that say: “Your value does not measure up?” I knew I had value that is why I did not stay quiet when they said those things, but I took every word in. All of these words sank into my soul, from every family member, friend, church member, significant other, and anyone else who saw my value and treated it second rate with criticism or manipulation.

The words tattooed on me, and after a while I couldn’t fight them off anymore.

You lose the understanding of your worth. I am sure that it did not help with these boyfriends that I had gotten promoted several times at the same workplace with one of them, (he had to transfer to my store since we only had one car) and that I made more money than both of them. I began to assume my worth was money, so I made sure I took care of them. I was afraid that they would leave and I was so tired of being alone. It’s not that I didn’t have feelings for them, but seriously after a while how do you feel love for someone who treats you with such disregard, I was faithful and loyal. I was not in love. For the longest time I thought how they treated me was love, I couldn’t feel or discern what love was so I decided being faithful and loyal would be my way of expressing it. Those attributes that come naturally in me were exploited, and though I may not have loved, I still was hurt by how I was treated.

I have never been able to be conformed into the image that people have desired.

I tried, I have tried my entire life, and I am incapable. I can play it off for a while, but it is not long lasting. I start to forget all of the things that I am supposed to be hiding, I start to forget that I am required to be mindful of how my behavior affects others, I start to forget to keep my mouth shut, or how I am supposed to behave according to each environment. At some point the cost of me to them is too high and they try to destroy it, hide it, or toss their hands in the air and leave. They stayed with me for a fairly long time and lived with me during certain times in our relationship.

I know they cared.

I also know that I was making decent money and paid for a lot of things so that could have been a high value other than me as a person. I am already feeling myself wanting to take the blame, dumb down how they treated me, and say that somehow I deserved it for all of the evil deeds I have ever done, whatever those are. I do that with everyone. The truth is, they treated badly. They flirted blatantly and disrespectfully in front of me, they came home with other girl’s numbers, they would leave and not tell me anything, they would not help out with the bills, they criticized me, and they hurt me terribly as a human being take out our relationship situation. They did not treat me well as a fellow human being.

And though I have forgiven them I have not accepted that it was not my fault.

That brings up the other reason why I am writing this post it is to cause myself to look at this with eyes that see my value, and accept that I did not deserve any of that treatment. I was not weak or stupid for staying, I didn’t know any better. I was and I still am worth more than any of that. If they would have told me that they were cheating or that they were using me for money or a way out of the house, I would have been better off. I can handle honesty because I value it, but I guess they would have known if they told me the truth I would have told them to get out of my life. Who knows really, I do know that I would have much rather had the truth than the run around and all of that social confusion. I was in a constant state of confusion trying to figure out the riddle of whether they loved me or not. Seeking my worth through how they treated me. It was the same with my family, friends, and church. I felt if I changed enough, hid myself enough, conformed enough, prayed enough, then one day…ONE DAY I would finally be what I was supposed to be!

Many people see the value in others, but they use it for their own motives.

They use it to manipulate, control, make them look better, or try to mirror because they wished they had it. I wrote a story titled: “Getting It Back” the first sentence happened to me, it was my ex-husband who said that to me, direct quote. It sickened me and I was not sure why. I was very upset and couldn’t explain what it was that made me so angry. I did push him off and told him to get it himself. It was mine, whatever it was and I was keeping it. I kept it, but hid it, it got consumed in all of the words and confusing social situations. I lost my self-worth, the importance and comprehension of my value. I am using these as examples, but the truth is it started as a child. I was different, hyperactive, asked too many questions, was too silly, would have meltdowns, would have laughing fits, and would panic, along with many more things that as a child you are told to control and if you can’t conform like all the other children you are a problem.

The fallacy is that problems have no value until they get fixed.

Many mysteries have been solved through the actual problem itself, the working through process not the end result. I see problems as a mass of great questions. They are puzzles to be derailed and embraced. Problems are mathematical wonders that can unravel great mysteries, and reveal some pretty powerful truths. A lot of problems are relative based on culture or even prejudice, over time we can change our view, and what was seen as a flaw (problem) is now seen as having value. Many people have seen my value and have used it for their benefit because I tend to not understand my value. There have been few who valued me, told me so, and encouraged me to increase my value in the gifts that I have. They are the people who have not tried to cause my value to form into something else, but acknowledged it and let it be. I see the value in my kids being free to be themselves. We try to encourage their gifts as much as possible.

I use their fixations as teaching tools, I do not try to take them from them.

Many times Daniel and his fans or unwavering studying of appliances can be too much. It can cause serious overload in him and me, but I still use them to teach him. Out of pure exhaustion of answering for the hundredth time why the stove coils turn red when they are hot, I pull out lessons on electricity and heating elements. I don’t want to, but I see the value in his questions and I see the value in the way his brain works. I want all of them to value their differences and learn how not to allow others to use it, destroy, or try to take it.

Pretend we are all a mass of gold.

We shine a bright yellow. We are pliable, soft, and dense and in this state quite magnificent. When someone comes along and wants to mold us into a ring or some other form that they deem as valuable, they have to mix in another metal to make an alloy. So, we lose our properties and our natural perfection. As an alloy, we are now a corrupt version of ourselves and we have lost personal value, but others now perceive us as valuable because we are in a form useful to them. We have lost the usefulness of ourselves. We have now become dependent upon the mold, and try desperately to stay that shape. Unless we have been mixed with large amounts of alloy, we will still be soft and bend. We either become a more corrupt version of ourselves or we continue to change shape losing more and more value from the other person’s perspective.

The news has been filled with things lately that have caused me to think about self-worth in a broad spectrum.

I have been affected by the accusations of abuse, the suicides of children because they were being bullied, even a news story in Indiana about a church voting on the topic of interracial marriage, has sent rage through me. It has made me think about how the relative value of people can be based on other people’s racism, lack of understanding, and clearly lack of any empathy.

They think that somehow they are superior and have a right to treat others like they do not matter.

If asked I am sure many of the people in these situations would say that they value the fact that the people they are targeting are fellow humans. I guarantee that if you were to ask anyone in my life that criticized me, bullied me, or treated me poorly they would say that they saw my value.  However, in many cases, my life included, according to their actions or words based on a child’s innocence, a person’s skin pigmentation, sexual orientation, autism, beliefs, quirks, whatever, somehow their value is treated without equal importance. The mindset of “If you are not like me, then you are less.” is a bunch of hooey!

Oh, I am pulling out the big words now. Lol!

It is not even possible to be like another person, you will always be a counterfeit of them and a shadow of yourself. I am not a motivational speaker or do I mean for any of what I am saying to be interpreted as that. Basically there is a healthy way to understand your value and balanced way to say I deserve to be treated with respect. I would make the assumption that most people who see value in others, but do not value them do not have a true understanding of their own self-worth. I hope I made sense in these posts, and didn’t just ramble and repeat myself!

In the context above, I say take a moment today and think about your self-worth, seek out your value and write it down or at least acknowledge it.

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I have been pondering my self-worth a lot lately, wondering what that really means. I have been thinking about how people have and do treat me. I have spent a large portion of my life being confused by people seeing the value in me, but not valuing me. I have mistaken them seeing it as them respecting it. Since I wanted to try to understand what value truly means I felt that I needed to go back to the basics. In order to understand its meaning, what did I do? Why, I went to the dictionary of course. Since I am referring to a cultural/ethical meaning, I will use the following definition:

Value: relative worth, merit, or importance: the value of a college education; the value of a queen in chess. (Simple enough, right?)

Taken from Wiki page:

There is a distinction between relative (or personal or cultural value) and absolute (or noumenal) value (not to be confused with mathematical absolute value). Relative value is subjective, depending on individual and cultural views, and is therefore synonymous with personal and cultural value. Absolute value, on the other hand, is philosophically absolute and independent of individual and cultural views, as well as independent of whether it is apprehended or not.

Relative value may be regarded as an ‘experience’ by subjects of the absolute value. Relative value thus varies with individual and cultural interpretation, while absolute value remains constant, regardless of individual or collective ‘experience’ of it.

Relative value may be explained as an assumption from which implementation can be extrapolated. If it was known, Absolute value could possibly be implemented, but this cannot be assumed, it is what it is.

At this point, I would like to take this spin into the topic of autism, but I am in no frame of mind to take on any arguments or stances. Instead, I will use my personal life experience and hope people can make parallels with autism, and other situations where they have felt that their absolute value is not recognized by others because of how others assess relative value (as far as I understand that is what the above the paragraph was about).

Autism is difficult.

It’s difficult because it is a spectrum of issues, but regardless of whether some label autism as a disability or as a gift/advantage/next step in evolution, everyone on the spectrum has value. Anyone trying to live in our world, but who feels unable to measure up or disabled in some sense, has value. I see this as a huge issue in people, including myself, defining their value based on the relative value of others. “Relative” changes. We absolutely have value, whether someone sees it or even respects it. Their view of us has nothing to do with us or our self-worth.

How difficult it is to accept that fully.

I am usually a confident person. I am confident when I am just being myself. It is not until someone exposes the fact that I am being myself that I become shaky. My anxiety causes me to feel insecure or doubt myself. Or when I am feeling confident, then something happens and I become unsure what a person means by what they say or do. I know that I have value, but time and time again the people who have cared for me have treated me as if it were not a valuable commodity. I have been so confused by people who claim to care about me, but their action’s reflect otherwise.

I had a dream about an ex-boyfriend of mine that really triggered some deep-rooted issues that I was unaware of, but are connected to many of the other things that I have been working through and sharing on here. In the dream I saw how I was treated by him, even though he cared for me, which was not good. There were things about me that he found as valuable: my humor, my music interests, my keen knowledge of The Simpsons at the time, (he was an adamant Simpsons fan, probably still is). I assume he found me attractive physically.

He never really told me.

There was one comment he made to me one night that was: “You are too pretty to be smoking.” I guess that is a compliment. Another boyfriend never gave me compliments either. I do remember him saying: “Someone who looks like you should not have such a foul mouth.” These two were completely different personality types, one was an artist who drew very well and a musician, and the other was a violinist who was extremely talented and was attempting to go to school for psychology as well. Both of them were very intelligent, but also made me feel as if I were not. They both also did drugs during our time together, and were in their early 20′s so I am not sure how much that played a role in their treatment of me.

My excitement and girl-like character would annoy them.

However, if I showed too much of my intelligence they seemed to not like that either. I was constantly confused as to what they valued and what they didn’t. Sometimes they would like it when I was my witty, smart-”butt” self and other times they got really angry about it. Sometimes they would get in long discussions with me about music, philosophy, or spiritual beliefs, and other times they would get upset and not want to talk about it. Now that I think of it though that could have been because it would be a special interest of mine and I would not shut up.

My appearance seemed to be a big deal.

They liked it when I looked a certain way, although they both seemed very accepting of me being natural as well. I did not have to get all prettied up for them, but they did like it when I did. I would know that they didn’t like something by a negative comment or criticism. They both felt like I really didn’t look much different, I don’t wear much make-up so that is probably why. They accepted that about me, but then would confuse me by flirting. Or by talking about the beauty of other women. Or give compliments to other women, but not complimenting me. The women would be the opposite of me, or have certain features that would seem similar, but I would start to think that they must think that her features were better than mine since they commented on hers, but did not say anything to me. I would not understand why they spent more time acknowledging the other girl and not me. It didn’t make sense. I am not the type who needs compliments I usually do not think of it, but when they are given to other people by a boyfriend who does not compliment you that is confusing.

I was not jealous I was confused, and hurt.

I had no distinction between the value of my beauty and the value of others. In my mind if they were flirting, then that meant I must not be enough, I was not fulfilling some need and that meant either I try harder or give up. If they said that someone was attractive I took that as meaning they were telling me that I did not measure up. Since they did not really make comments about me or to me, I was left to feel that they really did not want me. I would go into a spiral of trying to figure out what the point of me in their life was. This would lead to complete meltdowns or harming myself. I could not explain to them what I was feeling because any time I tried I was told I was being jealous or overly dramatic.

I guess my confusion looks like jealousy.

I can see how that would confuse them since I was not normally a jealous type of person, in that sense. Jealousy is another topic of explanation for another time. Why would they want to be with me if they were attracted to all of these other girls? It had to be for some other reason, what was it? Was I that stupid or naive that I could not figure it out? After all would settle, I would apologize for my behavior and things would go back to normal. Me being the caretaker, and supportive while they did what they wanted. Sometimes it included me, many times it did not. Had I understood the relationship I probably could have been ok with this. If they would have been direct with me, and told me I am just using you I could have dealt with that.

I see now it was not that simple.

Did they use me? Yes, because I made it easy to do. Did they care about me? Yes, but they cared more for themselves. I found that confusing because when I care for people, if I decide that I am going to put forth the effort to have them be a part of my life, I pour myself into it. I see their value and try to build into it. I try to encourage, and motivate them in it. With both of them I thought that their talents were amazing, and I would love to see the drawings or listen to their music or talk all day about psychology. One of them was also fascinated with Germany, and was taking German as well, I thought it was great and I would get excited hearing him speak the language. (I have my own thing about Germany.) I wanted them to succeed in their value, and it made me happy when they did. I got smarter each time though, and would only allow people to have parts of me, I started learning that as a child, but I still got hurt along the way. I know this stems from the pattern that my dad instilled in me with comparison now, but I did not know that then.

Being compared to someone else, or feeling like you are being compared can make you feel like you have no value whatsoever.

To be continued…

Complete sidetrack, but not really I will not explain it’s too long, but with this topic I have to think happy thoughts so I share a happy song from my childhood. The Turtles “So Happy Together” I like the horns, the drums, and ting, ting, bing, bong, of the strings and the Ba-ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba Plus it is a dancing swirly yellow and purple song. Yippie!

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I am feeling a sense of loss. I wish I could blow this off, but it is very hard when you are left to wonder. I also have a friend who has opened up to me, I still have not responded to her. I am kind of at a loss of words, and feeling awkward because we have not seen each other or spoken for a while. It’s times like these that I wish I understood how to handle these situations. I really wish I understood how to move on, and not get fixated on the “why’s” of situations. Or at least understood when to stop asking why. I am pretty sure I may be saying that for the rest of my life.

The Rosebush & The Cloud

The downcast rosebush,
tired and feeling frail from her masters pruning,
looked up to the sky, and said to the wise old cloud,
“I guess I have to be pruned some more, really?”
Wise cloud looked down with a fluffy soft smile,
no words for her today,
she stared at him waiting for a reply with hopeful eyes.
He tried to comfort her in silence,
feeling abandoned she sadly looked down,
“How much pruning can one take?”
Pondering a little while longer,
she mustered up some strength, trying to be hopeful,
“As much as they are willing to take to blossom, I presume.”
Wise cloud looked down with reassuring eyes, in a breeze he spoke,
“Blossom sweet rosebush, focus on the blossom, and do not get lost in the pruning.”

Poetry and clouds, I smile. That is all.

Quotes from one of my Top 5 books of all time “Franny and Zooey” by J.D. Salinger

“Maybe there’s a trapdoor under my chair, and I’ll just disappear.”
- J.D. Salinger, Franny and Zooey

“I feel so funny. I think I’m going crazy. Maybe I’m already crazy.”
- J.D. Salinger, Franny and Zooey

“An artist’s only concern is to shoot for some kind of perfection, and on his own terms, not anyone else’s.”
- J.D. Salinger, Franny and Zooey

“We’re the tattooed lady, and we’re never going to have a minute’s peace, the rest of our lives, until everybody else is tattooed, too.”
- J.D. Salinger, Franny and Zooey

Excerpt from THE DRY SALVAGES (No. 3 of “Four Quartets”) by T.S. Eliot

Lying awake, calculating the future,
trying to unweave, unwind, unravel
and piece together the past and the future
between midnight and dawn, when the past is
all deception, the future, futureless…

somewhere i have never travelled,gladly beyond by E. E. Cummings

somewhere i have never travelled, gladly beyond
any experience,your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near

your slightest look easily will unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully,mysteriously)her first rose

or if your wish be to close me, i and
my life will shut very beautifully ,suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;

nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility:whose texture
compels me with the color of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing

(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens;only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody,not even the rain,has such small hands

Excerpt from To You by Walt Whitman

Whoever you are, now I place my hand upon you, that you be my poem,
I whisper with my lips close to your ear.
I have loved many women and men, but I love none better than you.

O I have been dilatory and dumb,
I should have made my way straight to you long ago,
I should have blabb’d nothing but you, I should have chanted nothing
but you.

I will leave all and come and make the hymns of you,
None has understood you, but I understand you,
None has done justice to you, you have not done justice to yourself,
None but has found you imperfect, I only find no imperfection in you,
None but would subordinate you, I only am he who will never consent
to subordinate you,
I only am he who places over you no master, owner, better, God,
beyond what waits intrinsically in yourself.

Painters have painted their swarming groups and the centre-figure of all,
From the head of the centre-figure spreading a nimbus of gold-color’d light,
But I paint myriads of heads, but paint no head without its nimbus
of gold-color’d light,
From my hand from the brain of every man and woman it streams,
effulgently flowing forever.

O I could sing such grandeurs and glories about you!
You have not known what you are, you have slumber’d upon yourself
all your life,
Your eyelids have been the same as closed most of the time,
What you have done returns already in mockeries,
(Your thrift, knowledge, prayers, if they do not return in
mockeries, what is their return?)

The mockeries are not you,
Underneath them and within them I see you lurk,
I pursue you where none else has pursued you,
Silence, the desk, the flippant expression, the night, the
accustom’d routine, if these conceal you from others or from
yourself, they do not conceal you from me,
The shaved face, the unsteady eye, the impure complexion, if these
balk others they do not balk me,
The pert apparel, the deform’d attitude, drunkenness, greed,
premature death, all these I part aside.

Insert happy clouds here, a mailbox for trees, and a moonbow from Iceland.

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This quote has popped up in several odd places for me in the past few weeks. I confess I am almost in a complete shutdown. It is not a good shutdown, I am highly emotional. I am trying very hard not to collapse into myself. I can’t I have to live life. It is hard sometimes. I know that there are several reasons for this feeling. I am anticipating a whole lot of invisible some things with no names. I wasn’t exactly sure what my problem was, but honestly there are too many things that are flowing through my mind to pinpoint anything. Usually October until January…no, February, possible it’s March until I feel the many past experiences leave me.

The holidays always remind me of how alone I feel and felt.

Every holiday was lonely. I was surrounded by people who loved me and still I felt awkward and alone. Plus this month represents one of the happiest times in my life and triggers into the saddest as well. I cannot stop the loops of rejection. I can only redirect them, I am trying and it is painful. It is hard to reprogram your mind. It is hard for me to try to believe something positive when in most instances the second I gave hope a try, it burst into a negative.

I am sure there are many reasons that made me feel like the outcome turned out negative.

I am positive that social confusion (a lot of family confusion), anxiety, and sensory issues played a big role, but I still feel it. It doesn’t matter if I misinterpreted things or people misinterpreted me, the words, the actions, and the emotions all exist. I am not trying to sound down and negative, I am sad though. I am feeling lonely. I feel hurt. I feel lost. I am faced with the realization that we are moving back to my hometown. We will be going possibly as soon as March or at least by the summer. I am scared for many reasons. I am nervous and anxious about following through on getting a diagnosis and facing other things that I have to do.

The thought of going forward with the diagnosis brings forth a lot of emotions.

The biggest one is the feeling of doing it alone. I know that I am not alone, but I am feeling lonely in this. I guess I just have to deal with it like I have my entire life. Especially during the holidays it is difficult for me. I am happy for everyone enjoying themselves, doing their holiday family and friend festivities, but I feel like such an alien. I don’t want to be sad or feel this way, I don’t want to talk about it because I do not want to feel like a burden. I don’t even know how to talk about it.

I don’t even know for sure what I am feeling, it is just familiar.

I will say that it just sucks. It sucks to feel this way. I really dislike feeling happy for others and aching inside for myself. I don’t know how to describe it. I really have no more words about this topic, I think this post “What I need and want” may sum up a lot of emotions that I am overwhelmed with right now. What prompted me to write this out was a song that I heard for the first time today. I am facing some of my demons and want to shake the devil off my back, cause I have a lot of dancing to do. Here are the lyrics so you know what I am referring to if you don’t want to listen to the song. Shake It Out lyrics

Florence + The Machine – Shake It Out

I have never heard of them or listened to their music, (I just saw on YouTube that they were on SYTYCD last season, but I must have turned the channel, I do not usually watch the bands on that show. I only watch the dances, no voting either. ) but this was a good song for me to hear today and it has “It’s Always Darkest Before The Dawn” in the lyrics. I discovered it from a series clicks reading several different blogs that led me to this awesome quote by Björk “You have 1,000 colors of emotion, and each album is one color exaggerated. It’s so exaggerated that it’s not me, but it’s one color, you know? And I feel like that color is in everyone.” from this interview.

In those terms it helped me realize that I am having one color of emotion right now that is exaggerated.

It is exaggerated for many reasons and I could list them off, but I am funneling all of this into a story and several poems so it will reflect this color of me right now. The emotion is not me, I am only feeling it at this moment. I know she was talking about her album, but it helped me place my emotion in its proper place. It also helped me give myself permission to feel it. I need to be reminded a lot that I am not alone and my brain is both unique and has similarities with many. The darkness passes and through it I find my words, and I find more light and multicolored songs.

“It’s Always Darkest Before The Dawn” this has been true throughout my whole life so I will trust in that. 

I want to share another quote from Björk “I think there’s a need for the theatrical. It’s very organic and ancient and human. I don’t think it’s artificial.” When I express myself I hear the words of many people in my life who told me constantly to stop being so theatrical. I am very animated and passionate about things, I also never learned how to express myself in any other way. All I ever knew was to hold it in and then explode. Or hold it in and harm myself. I admit I feel guilty for even sharing these feeling or implying that I am allowed to feel them. Dang! This really hurts. Ok, I’m done…for now.

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Yes! It’s the brain I am interested in. You will know what I am talking about if you watch this video. “Ask Dr. Tony” October 2011 – Sensory Issues, Special vs Intimate Friends and “Intellectual Orgasms” People misinterpreting my intentions with me being intellectually stimulated by them has caused me some great problems in the past. There is a lot there for me to process. I love a good brain that I can ask a billion questions of and have a “Intellectual Orgasms” as Dr. Tony Attwood states in the video. A lot of the time my interest in men has been interpreted as having different motives by them, their girlfriends, or my significant others, and in many cases I have been sickened and confused by discovering that someone thought I had other intentions. My intensity in wanting to hear what people have to say about my special interests or other intriguing things makes me seem a bit too “friendly”. I have had girls misinterpret me as well thinking that I was interested in them in a more intimate way.

Those things usually do not cross my mind in conversation. 

I admit I do tend to have asexual qualities about me in the broadest sense. Shh! Taboo! I can define it like this, I am definitely more interested in someones mind and what ideas they have to share than physical attraction. I have been attracted to people, but it is not the same as what “normal” people feel. I do tend to be attracted to parts of people and the largest part is their mind. It is rare that I find the whole person as a complete attraction for their mind and physical, friend or otherwise. I do have to have a certain physical attraction, not in the sexual sense toward friends.

They have got to have certain features that I find appealing.

It does not have to be everything about them, if I enjoy their mind and certain features it works well. Though I will add that the features do not have to be attractive in the “world” sense it is what I find attractive. I had one friend that I thought was fabulous because their hair was all curly and wild. It was ok because they never tried to pretend that they were perfect. Their personality and mind fit their hair so it became an attraction and made me smile. Other friends or boyfriends I would be attracted to the color of their eyes, hair, or possessions they had, like books or music. Things that intrigue me are attractive to me.

I am accepting this about myself.

It is hard to admit and very hard for people to understand when I try to explain it. They seem to always have hurt feelings. It is quite helpful to watch videos like this so that I won’t feel guilt or shame for loving a mind more than a body. I feel quite exposed here, but I think it is something that should be talked about. I have been researching and watching documentaries about love, marriage, sex in the United States, and really digging into the stigmas and ideologies that are wrapped into these things. My findings have led me to the history of marriage and the development to what the current ideology in most of the Western cultural mindset. I have been looking into this for months and find it very interesting.There were times in my life that I never wanted to get married and I was told that wasn’t right. I was also condemned for living with my boyfriends. The pressure to marry was intense. I found (find) it confusing and a double-edged sword.

I have no answers about relationships or marriage.

I am not going to get into discussions about marriage or relationships because the bottom line is every relationship is different and you never know what is going on in people’s lives. Plus I have no clue! I cannot and will not make a judgement against people and their relationships, it has been done against me too many times to count. And there is a whole other gamut when it comes to being on the Autism spectrum and being in relationships. There are no simple answers and there are many other factors to consider. Enough of my rant for the day here are some videos I watched. Some may not be PG, just sayin’.

OMG! Yes, I am so happy for this first video! Thank you, Dr. Tony!

“Ask Dr. Tony” July 2011 – AS and Feelings

“Ask Dr. Tony” July 2011 – AS and Relationships

“Ask Dr. Tony” July 2011 – AS and Sexuality

Inside Out: My Life With Asperger Syndrome  (I could relate to such of this video)

I found this documentary very interesting as well dealing with sex in America.

Let’s Talk About Sex

I found this one to be very eye opening in a lot of areas.

51 Birch Street

The website 51 Birch Street

I need to watch this whole documentary again, it had a lot of information to process.

The Mystery of Love on PBS

PBS site

Very interesting article.

Keeping Marriage Alive with Affairs, Asexuality, Polyamory, and Living Apart

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I just read Empaths on the Autism Spectrum, Part 1 By Karla McLaren and Empaths on the Autism Spectrum, Part 2 By Karla McLaren they are so good I had to share. It made me want to see where I scored on the AQ test again to see if there were any changes. I can’t find my last score, but I believe it was somewhere in the 40′s. This time I got a 42. Part One gave such great insight and comfort to me. I was feeling a bit lonely in my thoughts, but this helped bring some clarity even about some things I wrote about in my last post. I may be hypersensitive during the holidays because of my own past negative associations, but also because I am feeling other people’s emotions as well. Not to mention the increase in sensory input during the holidays.

This quote stood to me:

“In short, my friends on the Spectrum were overwhelmingly, intensely, unremittingly, outrageously empathic — not merely in relation to emotions and social cues, but to every possible aspect of their environment.”

Part Two I am digesting, there is a lot there to think about.

Both of these articles are a mix of many things that I am currently trying to understand about myself and acceptance of myself. I have come to more of an understanding of how empathetic I am and the kids are by realizing I had been comparing empathy to what is defined in a neurptypical mindset. After realizing this several months ago, I have been able to recognize how much my kids are expressing empathy and “feeling” or imitating another person’s emotions. I have also noticed that they are exceptionally sensitive their to environment. Actually, I have not just noticed I knew this before, but doubted myself and questioned what I was feeling because of what others had said.

This has explained a lot about their behavior and why they are so exhausted or emotional after we have gone to certain places.

They have the same sensory and social dynamics as I do. All of these years I have been feeling guilt about not putting them out there more thinking that I haven’t done enough. I do know they need to be out there socializing and experiencing new things, but I am sitting here thinking I am glad I listened to my gut instincts about certain places and people. Maybe I am not that off about what I feel about people or environments. The article gave me some confidence about some of my perceptions and feelings about what people have said or done in the past or even now.

I am weaving together several different things right now that all link to communication.

The article helped confirm some of what I had been working through, one of my biggest issues is being so confused by people’s actions and words. When their actions do not match with what they say or I know that they are not telling me the truth about what they really want to say or are feeling. It is a huge chunk of social confusion for me because I am unsure if what I am feeling is true or not. By the conflicting feelings that I am having with their actions/words  I start to think that I am making things up.

I want to yell at them: “Just tell me!” (I always say that, I know.)

BUT I can handle it whatever it is just say: “it”. Of course the whole issue could be that they cannot handle “it” whatever it is. Maybe that is what is going on with the world, everyone is too afraid to say what is really going on in their minds. Who knows! I’ve probably said that before, I think I may be in a November loop of mine and not realize it. I do know that this is a great article and recommend reading it. There is too much I need to process and go over my drafts I have been writing to make sense of it all.

On a completely different note, but not really in my mind some pictures of paintings.

You can see the emotions coming through the kids and me in these. Happy, smiling eights, up in space, swirling around being giggly with each other. I wish Daniel had painted some more I love seeing what he is thinking, but he did not feel like it. The paintings that Ariel and Joshia did on the big paper were made specifically for me the other night because: “Mommy was feeling a little sad.” Daniel laid his head on my shoulders and wrapped his arm in mine for a little while. That was new and huge.

Empathy.

I am not sure if I felt sad for myself truly or if I was feeling someone else’s emotions. I do have several people in my life dealing with things that could be influencing me. I do have my own feelings that I am dealing with as well so it could be a mix. When I feel this way I do things to help me feel better. I started attempting to paint several months ago, I have always cooked or baked, and taken pictures when I feel sad or happy. I cooked all week, but I thought the stew and breads looked pretty so I put the pictures up.

The pictures are not new thing, I have always driven my mom batty taking pictures of strange things. (Well strange to her.)

I took pictures of what I found in her backyard. I got obsessed with a spider in her shrubs, I begged her not to kill it, but I am sure she will. She can justify killing it because she thinks it’s ugly, and she doesn’t have to touch it just spray and let it die. Maybe I will go back and save it before she can. I got fixated on rust, thorns, and other things I found back there. I have also been fixated on x, y, and z for the past two weeks. It started with x, but every time I drew or painted or typed about x the other two would not leave me alone. Then, when I started painting them the wavy equal sign would not stop swimming passed me so I made it too and have been thinking of them for days. I am not sure what that has to do with anything, I am off rambling again I am sure the article, paintings, and letters all connect in my mind somehow and I will figure it out later.

[Show as slideshow]

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I copied that title from the YouTube clip I found. It is the clip from the movie Elf when he encounters the “fake” Santa. I think that scene is so funny. Especially, when he says: “You stink, you smell like beef and cheese. You don’t smell like Santa” Lol! I bring this up because yesterday we went to see Santa for the first time ever. I am not big into the whole Santa thing, there is a history I think I have written before, but I cannot recall where it is on here. Basically I was devastated by discovering the truth about Santa Claus.

I was told by the babysitter’s daughter.

She and I almost got into a fist fight over the fact that she said that there was no Santa. She also said that it was a lie and Christmas is only about Jesus. OK! But she should not have been the one to tell me and say that my mom lied to me. I was about 8 yrs old I believe when this happened. I was not upset at the fact that Santa wasn’t real, I could grasp that what I could not grasp is my mom lying to me about it. Her rule was: “To always tell the truth and you will not get in trouble”. Although sometimes she didn’t follow that rule, and I would still get in trouble. And let me just add that rule does not work with other people it actually gets you in a lot more trouble! However, I am still struggling to make exceptions to that rule, it is hard-wired in my brain.

Anyway, from that moment on I realized that I could not fully trust my mom.

If I could not trust my mom, I could trust no one. Actually I had many other encounters by that age that made me feel unable to trust people in general, but it was a very confusing moment to me about people I trusted and didn’t trust. All because of Santa. There were no clear lines so all my life I have gone back and forth on trusting people and not trusting people. It didn’t make sense to me why she would tell me such a lie and work so hard at keeping it a lie. My black-and-white thinking could not comprehend. I have been very honest with my kids about Santa. I felt like they would respond the same as I did for some reason, I had a gut feeling. So yesterday before we went to see him, I asked them how they would feel if we told them that he was real, but then when they were older we told them the truth.

They all told me that they would be upset with us.

When I asked them if they would feel like we had lied to them it was an unanimous: “Yes!” They are much happier knowing that he is pretend that is what they expressed. I went over and over it again telling them not to say anything to the other children though. We had a discussion as to why other parents tell their kids that he is real, and they are somewhat ok with that. Out of it the discussion went into tolerance and acceptance of others beliefs and traditions. Who would have thought seeing Santa would be so philosophical.

Daniel was really focused on speaking his scripts out loud.

“Santa is not real, he is pretend”

“Santa is just a guy, why is he just a guy”

“Do not tell other kids he is not real”

“Tell Santa what I want for Christmas”

“I want helicopters and fans because I like them”

“Santa does not smell”

“I smell like Daniel”

“Santa smells like me”

Those are the ones I can remember off the top of my head.

He went into the smelling thing because I asked him if he was going to tell Santa that he smells of beef and cheese. Ha ha ha I had to remind him of the movie. He took me literally, I do think it was a good thing because had Santa had a certain smell Daniel would have noticed and would have said something. Thankfully he didn’t seem to or the smells from the hardware store overpowered and he couldn’t smell him. We went to Lowe’s and build Santa sleighs and then had a picture taken with Santa. It was fun, the kids all did great, but were seriously overloaded the rest of the day.

I guess I was too because I ended up crying and shutting down later in the night.

I did go to the store and drove around a bit trying to stop, I think I am a bit overwhelmed with several things going on and feeling very alone and having no one to be completely open and honest with. I don’t know I feel very alone for some reason, even though I am not. The holidays seem to do that to me, remind me that I am surrounded, but still misunderstood or unable to spill what is inside of me completely. There have been several things to bring this to my mind, I confess my Santa trauma is one of them. People think I am ridiculous to be so animate about telling the kids that Santa, the Easter Bunny, or the tooth fairy or whatever are not real.

I didn’t even let the kids have a candy cane.

Some people gave me looks as if I were evil. The things people can judge you for are so strange. The guy signing us up called me “babe” and my face must have had a look that freaked him out because his face changed and he stumbled over his words. I was confused by it actually, he was a young guy so why would he call me babe? He didn’t know me, I had three kids, do I look like a “babe”, it seemed very inappropriate and I do not like the phrase babe anyway so I was offended. The good thing was that I did not shutdown or pour out my wrath upon him. Instead I said to myself: “Mom works here do not cause a scene. You have the kids with you do not cause a scene. It really is not that big of deal do not cause a scene. It does not matter, it meant nothing do not loop about it.”

I let it go and focused on the kids.

It was a big deal for me to let that go because in the past I would have looped or I would have yelled at him telling him that I am not his babe and he needs to stop treating women with disrespect. It just was not the appropriate time to give him a lesson on respect, and I realized it! Yea! I admit I still want to go back and teach him a lesson, but mom says it’s no use that is how he is. I am all over the place here. I am a bit off and feeling drained. It was a great experience for the kids. They were a bit awkward with Santa, um…Santa is another story let’s just say he has been trying to get a date out of their Grammy for a month or so. That is not happening. Thankfully he did not know that they were her grandchildren.

You never know who is sitting on that Santa throne.

I am struggling with feeling like a liar and a fake myself. I am processing all of that right now. Mom and David both told me that I cannot tell people everything. I cannot share completely because it can be hurtful to others and make me too vulnerable. It makes me feel sick and like I am hiding things. I have learned to hide things my whole life, but my emotions about it were internalized and I would make myself feel like such a bad person, I felt like I was a liar, and would spin my lies over and over in my head until finally they came out because I was in too much pain or I couldn’t live with the guilt. I am not talking about big huge lies even, I am talking about telling somehow how I felt or what was really going on. If I said that I was fine, I felt like a liar and would torture myself. Or if I said that I liked their hair when I didn’t I would feel sick for days.

I learned how to twist things in my head to make them not seem like a lie to me.

Other people would probably think that it was not twisting at all, but for me it is because it is not direct and exact. I am learning how to process boundaries about my emotions or feelings, and I am learning to find balance in what I should share and should not. However, in the process I feel like I don’t have anyone to talk to. I feel like I have so many holidays past, so many days and years in my life, being alone in my thoughts while others are laughing and pretending, I am aching and hating on Santa. Ok, not really hating on Santa, but I am thinking he has a lot to do with my confusion about lies. I don’t want to sit on a throne of lies! I am kidding about Santa, I clearly have another whole post to write about what I am talking about here.

What to share or what not to share: That is the question…

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When my brain starts to make connections sometimes they will happen in floods of rapid “Aha” moments and it will be through a whole bunch of different resources. I have been slowly working through my communication connections and they all connect to a cluster of many other connections. My mind will start to make sense of my past, present, and it helps me process a little bit more about my gray future.  

I admit the other day when I discovered the photo with some of my books pictured, I was overwhelmed with emotion.

I was consumed with memories of things that I had locked away and I felt all of the pain and sadness I felt in that time in my life. I had gone through some devastating things during 1991-1993, alone. I had no way to understand them and no way to process them. I felt so sad for the young Angel who had been and was desperately trying to find answers for her pain and confusion through books and also escaping through books. I forgot that I read as much fiction and literature as I did non-fiction and biographies and history. I took that away from me. I stripped myself of anything that would make me feel because it hurt too much or caused confusion.

I also saw pictures of myself at that age.

For the first time I looked at a picture of me and knew me. I knew that person, I knew my real smile and why I was smiling. I knew my fake smile and why I was faking it. I knew my stuff that was all in the background of my mom’s house or my apartments. I knew me. It was hard to grasp, but I was comfortable looking at me and saying “Hey, I know you.”  Maybe I sound silly, but oh well. When I found this video yesterday of Daniel Tammet: Different Ways of Knowing TED I felt like even more of me made sense.

You can read about Daniel Tammet here .

 I did read his book Born on A Bue Day, but I was so disconnected from myself and was only thinking of my Daniel when I read it I did not really connect myself to it. I plan on rereading the book just to see if I get anymore connections. I didn’t really understand synesthesia or truly realized that I had it when I read his book or read about him. I probably had some knowledge, but did not connect it yet. Everything in my time, wait for it…wait for it…yes that is what my brain does to me often. Anyway I thought it was a good video and wanted to share. Oh, it’s Thursday! I was born on a Thursday at 11:59pm I haven’t thought of the color.

Days of the week always make me think of mythical gods and the names behind the days of the week.

Thursday makes me think of Thor the Thunder god, well it was named after him and my mom loved Thor. She was going to name my sisters, if they were a boy “Thor Alexander”. My one sister is named Athena that is my mom’s other favorite the goddess of wisdom, she always says. I am stopping now I went off on a tangent again. Thursday is sometimes swirly, sometimes green, sometimes, nothing at all, but most of the time it is just blank to me. I find that amusing considering it was named after such a dynamic god.

Happy Thursday with a bunch of squiggles and sixes, I see dancing sixes.  

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I read an interesting post on Science Daily today and thought that it gave a lot of insight about the autistic brain. The study was done in 2009. It at least made a lot of sense for me. I do have many thoughts and connections to this, but I have already written three posts in my drafts today over 1000 words and frankly I am out of control with writing. Considering I have several stories, I think 10 poems, not to mention the other drafts I have waiting…My brain does not stop, and to think I am “controlling” myself on my blogs! Back to the other post.

The post is titled “How the Autistic Brain Distinguishes Oneself from Others“.

Maybe this is old news for some, but I thought I would share it anyway. Also, I watched a video posted by “The Thinking Person’s Guide to Autism” on facebook yesterday. It was “Ignite Phoenix #11 – Raising Geek Kids — Resistance is Futile” as I watched it I realized that I am TOTALLY a geek! AND our kids are totally geeks too! I find it to be a good thing. I knew everything mentioned and the other day I had posted that I was not that into sci fi.

Then I found a picture yesterday of the bottom of my bookshelf when I was about 19.

It was actually a picture of my mom’s Basset hound she used to have laying next to my bookshelf. The one book that popped out was “The Integral Trees” by Larry Niven. I had a large number of books from psychiatrists dealing with inner conflicts, about ESP, Dean Koontz, Stephen King, and I saw one of my all time favorites that I forgot about “Touch Not the Cat” by Mary Stewart. I also had several biographies, and collections like Edgar Allen Poe. I had thrown all of them away when I changed my life. I also forgot all about them, until I saw the picture that was taken in 1992. (I have been slowly re-buying some of my old library collections.)

That book triggered my memory of watching the Sci Fi channel for hours.

My main reason was that it would play Alfred Hitchcock and Twilight Zone marathons. I could watch them forever, well I was reading books at the same time, I do that a lot. There are certain shows that I can have on and read at the same time, others not so much. David said that my definition of sci fi has been limited to a certain type of fantasy definition, which I really am not a fan of. It’s hard to explain, I am contradictory in this area, much like jokes, I do not like Star Trek, but I like Star Wars. (not an enthusiast, but like it)

However, sci fi does venture in to a huge genre that I do fall into.

It is more of using realistic types of things and bridging them into the extreme. A lot of the sci fi that I do not like are the ones that are completely unrealistic, even from an alien perspective. If you are going to live on another planet make sure the science is correct, if you are going to use laser guns please explain how you came up with such an invention in a plausible way. Time machines make sense in sci fi because they explain themselves with some sort of  believable science. It could work one day…

2001: A Space Odyssey and 2010 fall into my likes for various reasons.

I told you I was contradictory in this area. I’ve gone and written more than I wanted. The post about autism is quite busy and was hard for me to read I have a cleaner version found elsewhere linked below. I am leaving now, I am too typative, and rambly today. I will go write to myself now.

How the Autistic Brain Distinguishes Oneself from Others

(I did not read the actual study.)

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As I tried to describe my “feelings,” I still didn’t do a very good job. I guess in thinking it over, I did articulate that I have a difficult time articulating overwhelming emotions. Those emotions are completely different to me than my everyday emotions that I have labeled happy, sad, angry, and fearful. The other emotions that are more intense are confusing because I am not sure where they are coming from. I have been discerning much better between my feelings and others, but it is still a struggle at times. I can feel people close to me, even if they are all the across the world from me. However, I do not know that it is their emotions. I tend to start feeling deep sadness or the opposite, what David calls my “manic” state. I am not delusional or think of myself in a grandiose way, I am just pouring out uncontrollable happiness.

I usually start writing tons of poems or stories when I am feeling either of those.

In the past, I spent hours looping about why I was feeling those things, but recently I have just accepted it. I use it to write and it makes me much calmer. I later find out from friends or family that something has happened that I was feeling. I have been overwhelmed with heartbreak beyond words, I have sat and sobbed because my heart hurt so badly. It was more intense when I was volunteering in prayer ministries. Also, I would have very intense moments when I was on intercessory prayer teams, (yes that is what they were called). I would be affected for days after praying for someone in specific areas. At times it would feel like I was beaten up, mentally exhausted, and unable to shake off foreboding feelings. I believe that I am too sensitive for such personal prayer intervention for people that I am not close to. I do pray for people that I feel led to pray for, but I limit my praying to those I know.

Some may disagree with me, but they are not me and have no idea what God and I are talking about.

I do what is best for my own mental and physical health. There have also been times when I have been unable to contain my joy. It has made people look at me in odd ways, but normally they can’t help, but laugh or share in my joy. I do not always know why. Both are extremes that are hard for me to handle and it may be that in order for me to protect myself from feeling so much, I have limited my emotions to basic terms. My complete heartbreak hurts so badly that I do not know how to handle it. My extreme joy is an overpowering love that I cannot stop from letting flow out. Both have caused me to loop, and both have caused me complete confusion. I am getting a grip on these emotions, now that I understand more about my form of empathy, my sensitivity to my environment and the “feel” of others, the consideration of being sensory sensitive and how that can affect my emotions, my diet, and that I have not made all of this stuff up.

I feel them, but I do not know what they are, and many times who they belong to.

I am working on another post about looping that may shed some more light on this, but I needed to write this chunk out. I realized that I make myself sound pretty limited in my emotional feelings. It is quite the contrary, I have learned to hide and pretend that my emotions do not exist. I have been very good at convincing myself that I do not have emotions, any feelings I have are false, and above all NEVER let anyone know that I feel. I made a rule in my head after being heartbroken to never let it happen again. I generalized my pain to categories of people, and then made up rules to follow to protect myself from being hurt. If a best friend broke my heart, I would not allow a best friend to do that again. If a family member broke my heart, I would not allow that to happen again. If a co-worker hurt me…well you get the picture.

Slowly walls started to surround, but they did not stop the loops.

They did not stop the intense pain or reliving the events. I wish I could say that I had a lot more joyful moments. My loops and negative associations have caused them to be hidden from me. They are rising back up and getting in their proper place, but I first have to acknowledge them, reclaim them, and connect them. I am having a lot of success working through this process. Many things that I was feeling over the weekend did not consume me or cause me to shut down. I felt sad, but was able to be happy with the kids. I was not consumed with looping about why I was feeling a certain way. I wrote when I could and let it all go. I was at peace, and it has been so long since I have felt that. Realizing that it is ok to accept the heartbreak along with the pure joy has given me freedom to write what I want without a care of judgment or worry about how someone will feel. I like using extremes and fabrications in my writing to help me find balance. They say that you should write about what you know, I know extremes. I am claiming my stories, poems, and emotional outbursts.

They are mine, and it’s ok to feel them and express them. (And this time I really mean it. lol!)

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