On Monday what looked like a Yin-Yang showed up in my coffee and I thought that was so funny. I had to take a picture. Yesterday I woke up to a yellow sky. I came out of the bedroom and through the window the sky was smiling yellow right at me. I had to take a picture. I have painted several paintings and have listened to some quite lovely music. In the midst of all of this the kids are still doing well after the big holiday hooray. I have been waiting for the ball to drop. It still has not, so I have been trying to keep focused, and accept this peaceful state.

The kids and I are just taking it easy.

We will start back to school next week. They have been playing with their new toys, and watching movies. The ones that have been on repeat are Megamind and How to Train Your Dragon. Both of which I am fond of so yea! Oddly Joshua is the one having a bit of a rough time this year. He has just been cranky and argumentative about the accuracy of stories, and Star Wars. It has been strangely calm overall…Alright I am taking it easy a little bit — I did read this Girls on the Spectrum: Q&A with the Author of Aspergirls and thought it had some great information in it. It taps on subjects that I have spoken about regarding myself. I will say again anything that I read that helps give me confirmation that I am not the only one helps me. The thing with my anxiety and random social fears is that it can temporarily make me forget certain truths.

Such as we are NOT alone.

When anxiety hits it seems to knock out my ability to remember that what I feel and deal with many others also experience. Accepting my anxiety and not feeling bad for having it is helping, but irrational thoughts still arise. It is good for me to continue to read things that remind me that it is ok to be this way, and that I am not going to miraculously change. I am how I am and Ooh La La that is all I will say. Hee hee

Given that I am not harmful, or destructive to myself of course.

I have been thinking about why I drank in the past lately. It is directly linked to some of my past relationships, I am sure that is why I have been thinking about it. I may talk about this in more detail with relationships and alcohol in a future post. This section of the Q & A got me thinking even more about it.

Do you think girls self-medicate in other ways too?

I have been asked that. I’ve interviewed many people and asked if they drink recreationally or smoke pot, and what I’m finding is we like to use drugs in small doses. But because our bodies are so intolerant, it almost seems like we can’t abuse [drugs too much] because we get so sick. We are so sensitive even to vitamins or prescription drugs. We tend to need one-third of what other people need.

-Rudy Simone-

I have not been a fan of drugs in anyway, but me and drugs…very bad…very bad.

That includes over-the-counter and prescription drugs. Painkillers make me hyper and they do not ease much pain, I have more luck with ibuprofen. Sleeping pills keep me awake and wired, NyQuil makes me pass out and feel drunk the next morning. Sinus medicine makes me feel like I am on speed. If I take a full dose of a multivitamin I will get hot flashes and dizzy. Anti-depressants make me feel suicidal. Um…yeah, drugs and me bad…very bad. When I did drink it was not recreational, I was on a mission. My purpose for drinking was to get drunk so I could be social. I would also drink so I would not think about anyone touching me. I used it to help me override my anxiety. I used it to block out my sensory issues. I used it to stop my brain from constantly analyzing. I would drink so I could sleep, really I would drink until I passed out.

I could not stop my brain from thinking and linking things causing me to think about more things.

I spent many nights alone with my books, movies, and music when I drank. It would drown out all of the loops from the conversations of the day. Or the situations that I was living in. Sometimes, like now, I could not make the loops stop. Although, in the last few months I have managed to get a grip on this by filtering it through writing, or directly telling the person that I am looping. This has helped to stop irrational fears as well.

I didn’t want to drink.

Many times it made me sick, there were several occasions where I believe the only reason I did not die from alcohol positioning was because I made myself get sick. I was not a good drunk. I don’t know if there really is a good drunk, but I mean my emotions, sensory issues, or social anxiety would manifest through different means when I was drunk. I thought it was helping, but it was actually making me worse. I think I could just get away with more things because I could say that I was drunk. I will not go into detail, but it is just not good for me. I had to stop drinking altogether because I cannot drink in moderation. Even now it has been so long that having a small glass of wine makes me all freaky Friday.

So I do not touch anything.

It is much like drugs, vitamins, and certain types of chemicals in food. They can mess with my mind and body. I am prone to addictive behavior, but now I see that much of that was because I would not allow myself to stim. Actually, I cannot think of anything now that I am showing that type of behavior with…maybe pictures, and reading information. I believe that allowing myself to paint has helped also. It is a good stim for me because I just paint whatever. I have no ambitions to be a great painter it just feels good. It has helped me in many ways to allow myself to attempt the things that I had previously told myself I was not allowed to do.

As I was writing this I wondered what my purpose for this post was.

I believe it is so I can see how far I have come. I spent a lot of time feeling guilty and shameful for drinking so much. I didn’t do stupid things other than get in heated arguments with people (mostly guys who I found to be obnoxious) when I was drunk. I did fall a few times, but I do that when I am not drunk so who cares. I just took a chunk of guilt feelings and eliminated them by writing this. I did what I had to do to survive during that time. It was the only coping mechanism I knew. Later it became God and church, I see how that can be detrimental as well. Now I am not forcing myself to do things that I don’t want to. I am not making myself feel bad for things that I am incapable of doing. I do not feel guilty, or wrong. I am finding that Yin-Yang state that I asked for in prayer for such a long time. In actuality I am starting to accept my balance. And I am very thankful for my yellow Tuesday that I have been waiting forever to see in reality.

I truly do not need to drink or do drugs for recreation because my world is already quite “trippy”.

Here are the pictures to prove it. I seem to be using a lot of blues in many of my paintings the last couple months. I guess I am in my blue period, though I am no Picasso…indeed. :- ) The Yin-Yang started to spread out before I could grab the camera so it’s not as tightly shaped as it was at first.

Added December 29th: I just realized that I wrote this on Monday “All of this stuff makes me creative and see the world with bright yellow goggles.” Then Tuesday morning the sky was yellow, how funny! Maybe it’s just my perception and I made up the yellow sky…but I do have other witnesses so I guess they are trippy too.

 

Alright after yesterday I could not let go of the thoughts about how I perceive things. I got really focused on perception, and the web search began. As I was explaining that I have a constant story going on in my mind I wrote:

I think that I do this because I know and have known my whole life that my perception can be off. In order to make sure that I am as accurate as possible I have created a lifelong story to maintain detailed memories. I will not say that I am 100% accurate in my perception, but my memory is quite good. Unless I am overloaded then, my short-term memory can get jumbled. However, I am usually able to keep an accurate memory, though my perception may be off.

Now that I think of it, my story telling is most likely scripting.

I have learned to control talking out loud the scripts that are racing in my mind or repeating what others say…most of the time. I still say things and I still type things thinking that people know what I am talking about. I forget that they cannot hear what is going on in my mind. Lol! The more I think about it I think that I may be wrong about my perception. My perception may not be that off. I believe I have found yet another source of anxiety that I can control. My fear of perceiving things wrong stems from me feeling like I am being judgmental instead of perceptive. Or that I am inaccurate in how a person feels based solely on their words and actions. I realize that most people do not share what they are truly feeling. I know that I have had this epiphany before, the problem is, I will not remember. It is a perception thing and people can change from day to day.

With some people the person they want you to perceive them as changes on a daily bases.

People who do that have caused me to doubt my own perception skills. It has also caused me to seek out as much information to create a lasting memory to help me know how a person feels about me or about others. My mix up with the definition of perception and being judgmental was picked up by me while I was around certain groups of people. I also got the mix up from family members throughout my life. It has caused me to doubt what I feel/see, be anxious, and then be consumed with irrational thoughts. (I plan on doing a whole post about irrational thoughts at some point.)

In one of the shows I talked about yesterday, they showed a screen of words that were colors.

Instead of the letters being red for the word red, they were yellow. Or the letters in the word yellow were green. I do not know if those were the exact colors because I was in the middle of brushing Daniel’s teeth, but when I would look up and saw each word, I shouted out the correct word, not the color of the letters. Here is a picture that may help get a feel of what I mean.

Based on the definition of perception I was actually very perceptive while many other people were not based on the TV program.

It got me thinking about me, autism, and perception. I thought about the times that I have been very perceptive, but others convinced me that I was wrong. After years and years of having this done to me, I finally accepted that I lacked any perceptive skills. However, that goes against who I am and how my brain works. Those with sensory integration issues, like myself, are VERY perceptive of their surroundings (sometimes it may be detailed, and specific). Many times it looks like we are not because we shutdown. Or go into meltdown mode. The intensity of emotional, physical, and sensory combined can be too much to bear at times.

It is much like empathy — we do not lack it many times we don’t know what to do with it.

There have been many occasions when I knew that people were lying, or they were not very nice people. I would voice my concerns with others and they would tell me that I was wrong. Have you ever noticed that many charismatic people tend to gain the trust of the masses? Have you ever heard of the famous doctor serial killer Marcel Petiot? He was supposedly very charismatic, charming, intelligent, and a doctor! Even though he had gotten busted for thieving while he was mayor, people still supported him. He continued to steal and be shady — I guess he remedied any issues by moving to Paris and using his charms there. (Until he got caught, that is.)

I find all of that so interesting because we as humans can be so easily swayed.

We can doubt ourselves based on group think, or status think. Many bullies get away with things because the perception is, they are a good student, a star athlete, or a teacher’s pet. Many people in our lives can convince us that what we perceive is wrong based on their own fears, insecurities, or desires. I personally have had so much hope in the good of people that I have challenged my own gut instincts, and changed my perception. I think my mom and David have been the only two to see me consistently call out people who are not being honest, forthright, or deceptive.

Thinking about it more I do have several friends who have witnessed this with me.

I forget that I do have several friends that I have kept for over 10 years. My bad…My memory is proving to fail me.   I had learned to not say anything and to sit in doubt and confusion. Both of them have also caused me to question myself as well, but I know that they were not trying to hurt me. (They tend to be distrustful of people.) I have been right about people being good when others have perceived them as bad as well.

They had their own personal reasons, but I felt confident enough to challenge them after a while.

I still was not sure of myself and would loop about what I thought, what I saw, what I heard, why they did not believe me, and a zillion other questions. After watching some of these videos, reading some more information, and also going over my perception skills, I have come to the conclusion that I am not as far-off as I thought. We have to learn to trust our instincts, but also know that we can be heavily influenced by our wants, fears, other people’s perceptions, and how we view the world. I am going to work on fine tuning my perception skills so I can trust myself a little bit more. I know, just like my memory it will not be 100% accurate, (no one is) but it is worth it to stop anxiety and irrational thoughts.

I read through this article again Navigating Love and Autism and compared some things to my own experiences.

The section about Kristen and her boyfriend at the time hit a nerve. It made me recognize how I picked up a faulty perception of myself based on many similar words spoken to me from family, friends, and ex’s. The section begins with this:

“Kirsten’s two previous boyfriends had broken up with her, too, and her current boyfriend was an unlikely match — a charismatic extrovert with soulful blue eyes who thrived on meeting new people. But when she admitted at the outset of their senior year in high school that she envied his social ease, he had embraced the role of social coach.” (emphasis added)

As I read many of the comments that her ex-boyfriend made to her it was a flash of my own life.

I see how people in my life have perceived me as cold, rude, uncouth, and juvenile at times. They would then decide to take me under their wing to guide me into proper social “fitting in” ways. It would work for a while, but I always end up saying or doing something not “right”.   The whole article is packed full of greatness, and it helped me to gain a bit more understanding about myself. It is also a great resource to help the kids as they get older. I am so happy to have people of all ages opening up and sharing their stories, it is going to pave a path for our kids to succeed so many ways.  Hopefully it will help change the perception and stigma in a lot of areas not only autism. I have a lot more to ponder so I am going to stop with that.

I watched these videos that were interesting as well:

Beau Lotto: Optical illusions show how we see

In this talk about optical illusions at the end he is explaining how they are transforming color into sound, I chuckled a bit because my mind already does that.

BBC Horizon: Do you see what I see? “The Himba tribe”

I did point out the different green square before they pointed it out. I can’t find the rest of the video.

Do You See What I See? (I can’t get this one to play, but maybe some of you can.)

Update: I have currently tried to correct this post 8 times, and I am driving myself batty. If there are any inconsistencies or if I am not making sense, just let it slide. I have gotten brain clutter I think from everything I consumed, and I am having a hard time filtering. So now I am going to go paint. Dippity-doo!

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All of my fixations can be directly linked to my special interests. I call them fixations because they are not exactly my special interests, but feed into them. My main special interests would be spirituality, numbers, music, and literature (words in any form really). I make direct links to all of them in my mind and they branch out into other links. The brain and how it works I link to all of the interests I have mentioned, as well as space, nature, people, food, and many other things. If I see a picture I can link it to a number, or something that I read in a book, or saw in a movie. If I hear a word I can many times link it to a sound, a song perhaps, or the brush of wind blowing on a particular day years and years ago.

I didn’t realize it until last night that I am constantly telling myself a story.

I know that I am always talking in my head, but I didn’t grasp what I was doing until last night. Pause. Quantum leap ahead for a moment. I have been getting sucked into the National Geographic Channel recently, last week I watched Do Parallel Universes Exist? And then last night I watched Brain Games.  I would like to go into great detail about parallel universes, but I will control myself. I admit it is very hard. David mentioned an article sent to him by his father this morning about Quantum Entanglement and I got so excited. I had never heard of that, I started jumping up and squealing asking: “Oh, What is that?” I did hand flap and said: “Come on Sock Monkey, let’s go find out about quantum entanglement!” (While grabbing my sock monkey.)

Um…that would have been ok had David not been in the middle of a conversation with me.

Oops! I tried to contain myself to listen to him, but it was a little hard. I did apologize. See sidetracked again quantum leap back to the Brain Games section. They showed one on memory last night and it was so interesting. They had a simulated mugging, which the eyewitnesses did not know. They then questioned the eyewitnesses through various sets of inquiries, while the TV audience could participate as well. I could not believe all of the details they had forgotten and how they even confused them. My memory was spot on throughout the entire thing. (No, I did not use the DVR.) However, the one on perception well… I will say that I knew my brain has been messing with me my entire life. It’s so tricksy!!

I knew that my brain was missing something when they would give the perception tests.

It felt like all of my neurotransmitters were being forced to believe what was not true. I understood the false perception, but I could not make my brain stop seeing it as true. It captures my imagination so much that at times I have to cut myself off from this stuff. It is much like up in space, the galaxies, and the spreading blanket of blackness that is out there swimming with stars and planets. I get so wrapped up that I can lose myself here, or get really freaked out and panic at how big it all is.   The comprehension of our minds and how much our perceptions can be off can consume me.

I link it all to my special interests listed above.

Everything that we feel, think, see, or experience is filtered through some perception. Our perceptions are filtered through our experiences that may or may not be accurate. This brings me back to my original statement about telling myself a story all the time. In the memory video the neuroscientist said that our brains are wired for storytelling. We remember details much better when they are given through means of a story.

Everything that I experience is through a nonstop narrative going on in my mind.

I think that I do this because I know and have known my whole life that my perception can be off. In order to make sure that I am as accurate as possible I have created a lifelong story to maintain detailed memories. I will not say that I am 100% accurate in my perception, but my memory is quite good. Unless I am overloaded then, my short-term memory can get jumbled. However, I am usually able to keep an accurate memory, though my perception may be off.

Pictures are linked to stories, linked to movies, linked to songs, linked to faces.

It goes on and on. I have a never ending tale going on in my mind at all times. It gathers details and information and automatically converts into lyrics, poems, stories, and songs. I cannot recall a time ever that I have not had this going on, but I was also not wholly aware of it. I gain more and more understanding about this through reading things from people on the autism spectrum and other people who experience Synesthesia, or who are kind of quirky like me. I thought everyone did this. I thought everyone saw visuals in their mind, saw letters and numbers with colors, saw the vibrations floating in the air. I thought everyone was as interested in my interests and also that they experienced them in the same way. Some do share in my experiences, the majority do not.

No matter how many times I read or I am told this I do not remember because that is wrapped in perception.

When I seek out information about something I am not limited to what or why I am seeking it. Take my questions about my German ancestry — there was a series of other connections that made me question my mom about them. Granted I did want to feel connected to family, I also probed her about information about my dad’s family, and our Irish, English ancestry on her father’s side. BUT I wanted to know more about the German side because I had been reading about German mathematicians, writers, scientists, and artists. I was reading about them because a while ago I found a Google doodle that I loved.  (I have it on my desktop) It was for Mikhail Lomonosov’s 300th birthday. As I read about his education abroad, I connected other things that I had read not too long ago.

Then my grandma came to town which it is her family that came over from Germany.

This would be another reason for my questions about my ancestry, they are all linked. I do the same thing with my dad when I am with him about our American Indian (I do not know what is politically correct) ancestry. I think in my mind I may have wanted all of the questions answered to better understand myself. I want a correct history and perception so I have asked a lot. Each time during my interrogations I get more and more details and also bring up any inconsistencies. The whole time writing a story in my mind with words, sensory, and whatever colors my brain is tricking me with. My other fixation with Germany could very well be that I lived there as a child and I don’t remember, I have always wanted to go back, and it feels like I left something there. (My dragon maybe?? )

There is an American Indian museum in my hometown that I would literally beg my mom to take me to.

I always wanted to go there. I begged my grandma as well — she actually worked there several years ago. I don’t know why I wanted to be there, I just felt comfortable while I was there. I explored the homes, studied their artifacts, soaked in the history, and there were parts of it that were in a huge wide open field that I would just run and run in. They would let me run, leap, do my cartwheels, and flips as I laughed. I think my mom enjoyed watching me do that because she was happy I was not doing it inside our small trailer, or off of the couch.

Well there it is my brain swelling with all kinds of stuff again.

Back to my original quest here, my current fixations. The National Geographic Channel, Quantum Entanglement Wiki, The Ulam Sequence (Wiki Ulam), Kepler Mission, and relationships with people in general, but I did read this today Navigating Love and Autism. You may not see the connections, but they are all linked in my mind and contribute largely to my special interests. It is fairly certain that I am in an information gathering cycle right now. But all of these findings have been confirmation for me with things that I have been writing and it makes me happy. Oh, I forgot to mention my obsession with The Vatican Library that I briefly watched something about on 60 minutes last night, (in between Masterpiece Theater and the Bulls vs. Lakers) and I got so excited I didn’t realize that I was talking to the TV. :-/   The treasures hidden in there…sigh…

All of this stuff makes me creative and see the world with bright yellow goggles.  

For those who understand my number thing I just have to share this tidbit:

“Rose scored 22 points and hit a short go-ahead shot with 4.8 seconds to play, and the Bulls rallied from an 11-point deficit in the final 3:44 for an 88-87 victory over the Los Angeles Lakers on Sunday”

Look at those numbers!! Ha ha ha I just noticed that this is my 422 post.

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Everyone was looping, and Ariel did see a mouse. Out in the bushes in the backyard. My mind is racing and I was up most of the night. Oh, I am happy for everyone and their celebrating of different holidays and all, but the “spas” spirit that is in operation I would like to see dwindle down a bit. I am not being a Scrooge — I am just ready for the New Year that is all. I am excited for the kids and watching them have so much fun. It has turned into a real joy watching Daniel actually enjoy himself more and more. Each year he has gained more understanding of what holidays are and how much fun presents are. I watched a video of them when they were two years old at Christmas, Joshua was six months old.

Daniel didn’t understand what was going on.

He didn’t open the presents he just looked at them. He tried to take Ariel’s presents and she would cry and say: “No, Boo Bear that mine present.” It was not that clear, imagine a two year old garble. I can hear me calling his name over and over again with no response. Finally, at one point he claimed a toy that Ariel was playing with and she got upset. We still have those toys he is attached to them. I am always taking videos and pictures of all the events, I want to remember everything and I want the kids to have their experiences captured. In the back of my mind I think the reason for my continual visual capturing is that I want them to have real memories.

My mom always forgot to take pictures.

My dad would take videos all the time, he had a Super 8, cameras, and gradually got other video cameras. I know I got the obsessive picture taking from my dad’s gene pool, my grandma has mounds and mounds of photos, and so does my dad. I was not captured as much as my other sisters since I did not live with my dad truth be told– many of the videos were of him making skits, commercials, singing, and whatever else he could come up with. He was very good at convincing my step mom and sisters that they needed to film him and also partake. (Maybe they didn’t have a choice)That is the part of my dad my mom could not handle, the constant silliness. I have my days, but overall I am a good mix…most of the time.

This mind of mine is rambling and I have a ton of things running through it.

I guess I am doing another mind dump to prepare for mom’s house tomorrow and then Sunday morning — all day. I hope Daniel will be alright, but I did have fun with him on Thanksgiving so if we need to leave again it will be ok. The weather has been wonderful here. I think God may be giving me one last warm weathered Christmas before moving to snow invested cornfields. I am grateful for the warm weather and the sun that is shining right now. Big smile. I am a little sad that I will not see my sisters or baby nephew tomorrow.

My sisters have to work and then they are having their own thing on Sunday.

We can’t go out to their house it would be too much, they live about half an hour away. They also have three dogs, two big boxers and a chihuahua. The acoustics are horrible and Daniel gets fixated on their ceiling fan since he can turn it on and off. We need to stay home after all of the adventures we have had in the past few weeks. My mom would like to stay home on Sunday and have the whole day alone, but my sisters insisted that it is wrong to be alone on Christmas day. They are very neurotypical. The best gift they could give her is to let her have that day because she and my grandma went on the TCM Cruise. Then, my grandma stayed for the week after, the kids and I were there every day, and she also went to work the day after getting back. She has had no downtime.

I hope she doesn’t overload while we are there tomorrow!

It was so awesome to hear my mom talk about the cruise. She is an old movie buff. She knows everything and everyone. She has read so many biographies about old movie stars. She can tell how all of them were linked together, what was going on in history during a movie being made, who was having an affair with whom, she can spot a remake now nowadays in a split second, and she can tell you the cameras used or special effects that were going on during them . Her TV channel is stuck on TCM. And she has a huge crush on Ben Mankiewicz. She got her picture taken with him on the boat, and talked to him. She is still giddy when she talks about him. (She claims to not have an Aspie special interest…yeah, right. )

The funny thing is that my mom does not act like that with guys normally. 

He has to be pretty interesting and special for her to take any interest at all. I love hearing her talk about the experience because she is so happy. She told me how it was the best experience of her life. She said: “Angel, I didn’t have any anxiety, I could talk with no problem, I didn’t worry about what I said or what to say. I made friends every morning. It was so wonderful. We all talked about old movies, we dressed up for each era, and shared our stories about when we first saw the movies, it was great!” She felt like she belonged and I could see how happy she was in her pictures. She usually hates having her picture taken, but not on the boat. I am so happy she got to experience that.

I discovered a movie that was released in November (too many miles away from here) called The Artist.

It is a black-and-white silent film, but it is a limited release and we are not going to get it around here. I am not giving up though, there may be a town about an hour or two away who may show it. I wanted to take her to it as a Christmas present. She loves silent films too. The story line seems great and I know that she would love it. I think I would too, bonus! I love, love, love the music!! I think I’ll get the soundtrack. I hope to take her to experience it in the theater. I think if I were to imagine heaven for my mom, even though she is a book addict like myself, hers would be a big huge movie theater or possibly multiple theaters. Ohh! I think I have a visual to write. Movie Theater in Heaven.   I think I will go write that and help my brain get focused and calm.

Happy Holidays and many blessings to you all!!

I would say that I am praying for peace, but that is very generalized and is relative. I pray for differences to be accepted and the message that is spoken about in this song. Bing Crosby & David Bowie – The Little Drummer Boy / Peace On Earth I got another present besides the nice weather. I just listened to a song that popped up while looking for Bing and David’s song. It didn’t make me cry, I was able to smile. It’s kind of a big deal.

I did tear up a little, but it felt different.

A couple of months ago this song came on in the grocery store, and I just stood in the aisle and cried. I couldn’t stop I was rushed with so many emotions at the time. I found this version and liked it best. David Gray – Babylon  This artist is wrapped up in winter memories for me, and wrapped up in the only workplace that I was more myself than anywhere. In the midst of the different types of people I felt very safe to be me most of the time. Or maybe it was all the computers and “technology” I was around that made me feel comfortable.

Ok, I am leaving for real now.

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I am not talking about the kids. This holiday season has been a little different from the past. We have been doing a lot more social activities this year, and it has been good overall. Today is the first day that we have been home in several days, two weeks I believe. I may have to take my grandma to the airport later today, and I am taking Joshua out shopping tonight. I decided to take each child out alone with me so they could pick out presents for each other and for daddy. It has gone very well. Ariel had a wonderful time, and she loved thinking of things to get for them. Daniel was a lot more into it than I thought he would be. He did have a lot of fun and said: “I wish I could take a cart home.” I have taken them to Target and plan on taking Joshua there as well.

Maybe it is because I was raised in a Target and I worked there for long that I do not get as overwhelmed.

I do feel like Target is much calmer than Wal-Mart again that may be because I know Target. My mom started working there when I was 5 or 6 years old I think and stayed with them for around 23 years. Something like that. Anyway I am partial so maybe I am prejudiced against Wal-Mart. I bring this up because there are certain stores that can make me cry. It usually happens when I have been under tremendous amounts of stress, social anxiety, worried about finances, or the HOLIDAYS!

One of the grocery stores around here has made me cry.

It has on several occasions played songs that I have not heard in years that trigger certain happy/sad memories. BUT I will include that it is one of the coldest stores around here, the lights flicker, and the deli smell makes me gag every time I go in there so those could be a large contributing factor to my heightened sensitivity. I have had to go to the store practically every night, with or without a child. I had to go to Target the other day by myself and I decided to check out the boots. The kids ruined my last pair of tall black boots that I had since 1998. Well I do have one other pair of black knee high boots, but those have a heel and pointy toe so they are not the same at all. (Shoe obsession)

I went down the aisle and there was a perfect pair of knee high black boots, low heel so I could wear them whenever.

They were on clearance and only one pair for my size 8 feet. I grabbed them and put them in the cart. I then had a conversation with myself about being selfish and that I really should not get them. I then cried in the middle of the boot aisle at Target. The tears were a mix of feeling guilty, feeling stress about money, feeling the Christmas stress, feeling the stress of the kids meltdowns (though nowhere near what they have been like in the past), and the feeling of being so alien in this world. Some of this is not new — I have had it my whole life.

The holidays are so hard because of all the social dynamics, and people acting differently.

Since I have been out a lot more this year I think that my sensory issues have heightened a lot of this. I decided to get the boots and return them if we could not afford them. Thankfully I was able to keep them without guilt. The kids are having a good Christmas because we purchased gifts throughout the year while they were on clearance. (and with family blessing us as well) I will hardly buy myself anything because my first thought is we have bills and we need food. I think to myself if I spend such and such amount on something that takes away from something else. It is hard to justify getting anything for me unless it is really cheap.

I got over my crying at Target and thought that I would be ok.

I ended up having to go to Wal-Mart several days later. There is nothing in one store around here! I have to go to five different stores to get everything and they are spread all across town. It is annoying even in a small town. AND now they have just built a Kohl’s store right across the street to taunt me for several reasons, one being my weakness for Kohl’s clearance. I am not a big frivolous shopper, but that store and Target tempt me like no other with their clearance. Well when I had money to spend. Again I am all over the place, sorry.

I went to Wal-Mart and felt completely overwhelmed in the parking lot.

I went inside trying to focus and get what I needed, as to try to get out of there as quickly as possible. I couldn’t, I couldn’t remember why I was there, I couldn’t find my list, and I couldn’t remember where I put it. I normally check my person about three times before I enter a store. I check for my list, I check for my card, and I check for my keys. I had a purse that night, which I normally do not have. I forgot to check it. I stood in the front of the store completely lost. I know the entire layout of this store there is no reason for me to get lost. I was lost in the front! I finally remembered that I needed to pick up pictures and I went to get them. It required me to stand in line and wait that was good because I was able to locate my list and check for my keys and card to ease my mind.

After I left there I was still fuzzy headed, and freaking out because I was spending more money.

I went to the boys section to get them some pants because they only have a couple of pairs pajama pants. I stood in the middle of the boys section feeling like I was being swallowed up by the store and started to sob uncontrollably. I had my face in my hands and just cried. I couldn’t stop. One of the employees asked if I was alright, and I looked at her and laughed with my face dripping with tears. She must have thought I was mad. I wiped off my face, got some pants, and went over to the Kleenex section to take care of my nose. As I went throughout the store I continued to have tears if anyone looked at me, they would just start streaming.

I had floods of thoughts about feeling so alone.

It was not the lonely sad kind of feeling it was the lonely feeling misunderstood feeling. I looked around at all of the people and everyone seemed so capable. They looked like they were having fun or maybe it was the feeling of belonging that I saw. I wasn’t crying because I was sad. I was crying because I am incapable of being ok when I am off schedule for days. When my shampoo/conditioner bottles are not aligned in my shower because the kids keep messing with them and when my house is not as clean as I want it. When I have to go to stores on multiple occasions, and their lights and smells bother me. When I am surrounded by people and I cannot relate to them. When I feel like I am walking outside of my body everywhere I go. When my grandma is leaving today, AND when I have not had any alone time.

I think I just need a break.

I think it’s funny that I tend to lose all control in the middle of stores or in their parking lot. It is not a bad thing it is acknowledging that I am overwhelmed and it is ok if I cry in Wal-Mart. I am not mad, I just don’t like that store so much it makes me cry. No, I am kidding. I needed to write this to let others know that if you are crying too it’s ok. Maybe we should pick a store and start to have weekly cry meetings. We can have sensory/social overload groups every holiday season. I am glad that my meltdowns have turned to tears and laughing fits because before I used to be a rager. One time I kicked a plastic dog and broke my toe. I felt horrible for that dog, he was fine though. My toe is still not even years later. :-/ I put him in the garage sale mom and I had this weekend, it went well.

After today, I think I am going to get some paints and canvases and have a little quiet time.

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My poor grandma got an ear full of Daniel speaking truth the other day. He said several times to her “You’re fat.” or “Why are you fat?” Then, “Why do you have white hair?” He also said, “Why does your voice sound like you are crying?” My grandma did not take the fat comment very well, and I think that she was waiting for me to address it the first time. Well…I wish I could say that I did and that I handled it like the adult mom I am supposed to be, but I did not. I laughed! Oh, my goodness, the HA! Ha ha ha came out of my mouth before I realized it and as soon as I did it, I covered my mouth, controlled myself, and said: “Oh, Daniel yes, grandma is back,” and I guided him to the back door to play.

Grandma did not buy it for a second.

I sat there thinking I could apologize or try to fix it, but then I thought that she knows that he is autistic and these things come out of his mouth. She knows that he meant nothing malicious by his comment — he was stating that she was larger than us, and he used the word fat. Later on when he did it again, and my mom was home, I did fix it by saying “You mean grandma is bigger than you?” Daniel responded with “Yes, grandma is bigger than me.” I am used to him saying those things to me all the time. I think it is hilarious when he says “Mom, you have a big butt.” I laugh and shake it and say “I know!” and then sing shake your booty or some other booty song. My butt is big compared to his tiny little booty.

That is what he is doing with his comments.

He states things that he sees, it is how he defines them the best that he can. It is a huge deal that he is becoming aware of his surroundings and the differences in people. I am not going to scold him for something that takes him a lot of effort to do. It could cause him to shut down. He is the sweetest boy, and if he understood that it hurt someone’s feelings by saying that, he would feel horrible. The thing is he doesn’t — he does not comprehend that yet, but he will as he gets older. So I am not going to punish him for making observations in his world and then saying them. It took a long time to hear that precious voice to begin with! Don’t get me wrong, I do not allow him to be hurtful or say things that can blatantly hurt someone. I try to explain things as best as possible. It is kind of hard for me to catch at times though since I am notorious for saying such things myself without a thought.

There is a reason why we do not think those things would be hurtful.

We do not think that way — we happen to say things that we observe and say them according to the defined vocabulary that we have in our heads. Nothing mean, vicious, or hurtful, only clear definitions and terms. The word fat to Daniel is currently defined as “bigger than me” and that’s all. It is that simple. I found it amusing because I know that his intentions were to say that grandma was bigger, and I thought it was cute that he used the word fat. All of the kids say things like that and I am so used to it that I forget that others could take offense. I have to confess though, I am not going to sit around correcting my children to be overly polite and try to spend their life trying not to offend people.

Someone always gets offended.

No matter how hard you try, someone will always misunderstand your words or motives. It offends me more when people get upset at kids for just being themselves, and stating things that they see so clearly. They say things that are filtered through their limited knowledge or understanding of things. I tend to get more upset at the adults because the kids do not know any better. Yes, they should learn, but I do not think that they need to be “set in their place” so to speak. Freedom to speak their minds gives us an incredible world of entertaining thoughts, and some wonderful things to think about. I think that we can learn a lot from their perspective.

I cannot recall if I have written the following story before, but I think it is quite telling.

I remember watching a program, though I do not remember what it was now. The mother was sharing how she was afraid to swim, or be near water. Her little girl loved to swim, and begged her mom to come in the water. The mother refused, and one day the girl said something like “Come on mom, are you chicken?” The mother burst into tears, and told her daughter how awful that was to say. She went on to tell the daughter how badly she had hurt her feelings, and that she needed to think of how other people felt before she said things. I am pretty sure that the girl was between 8-10 years old. The mom continued to talk about how she was afraid of drowning, and that she was fearful. She felt by her daughter saying that she was not being sensitive to her fears.

I sat watching this mother in complete shock.

It was baffling to me that this grown woman would expect her young daughter to understand how fearful she was of the water. Not to mention the manipulation of pawning off her own insecurities as the responsibility of her daughter. Her daughter did not know her fears, even if the mother had explained it in great detail. I am also not sure that she would have fully grasped the fear that her mother had of the water. She was a little girl. As I watched her sitting with her mother, her demeanor changed when the mom shared this story. Her shoulders lowered, and she looked down, and her face was a little sad, confused, or annoyed, I am not quite sure. The real kicker though was at the end when the mom said that her daughter had learned from her mistake and is now considerate of her mother’s feelings. I don’t take what my kids say to me so seriously. Maybe it’s because I understand that they are kids, they are testing out their language and social skills they need to have the freedom to learn without my fears trampling on them.

Things like this get me thinking about my own circumstances.

All of my life, I have had people make comments about my birthmark. Those who have read my blog for a while know that I have a port wine birthmark on the left side of my neck and about two inches across on my jawline. It has been the source of ridicule my whole life, and I must say some of the worst offenders have been adults. Since I have been around children so much, and I worked in children’s ministry for so many years, I am very accustomed to their honesty. They are the first to ask me about my birthmark and are genuinely interested in why I have it. I usually use it as a lesson in skin pigmentation, and they think that is so “cool”. I have seen parents freak out when kids ask me about it, but every time it happens, I get down at eye level with them, and explain what my birthmark is. I have always won the heart of every child who ever asked me about it, and they even think that it is cool afterwards.

I have been able to use my birthmark to help teach kids to be comfortable with whom they are.

I have used it in Bible lessons, and as a resource to talk about people who are different than us. The kids have always asked in curiosity. I have no problem with that — I have no problem when someone asks me if I have been burned or something. It does not bother me when it is a sincere question. However, in most cases all of those questions have been asked by children or teenagers. The reality is that I have had more adults stare in disgust, gawk at me, make rude comments, or even mock it. Those times, I get hurt the most because it is just plain rude, and for some reason I think adults should know better. I do get upset at times when I am reminded of my birthmark, not because it bothers me but because it bothers others. I think that has been a lot of my problem though, about my stims, behaviors, my feelings, my interests, and everything about me. I have been more concerned with not wanting to be a bother than being who I am.

The kids have asked me about my birthmark, and I have never felt insecure or like I needed to tell them how to ask me properly.

They have all asked why I have it and how birthmarks happen. They do not see it as a flaw or anything.  When we have been out, there have been occasions when we have seen someone else with a birthmark, and they got excited and said something about the person having a birthmark just like me. I think if there was more time spent on teaching about differences and the value of asking questions or stating truths we would gain a lot more acceptance and appreciation for the differences in others. It could help get rid of some of the projected fears people have. Maybe I am being too simple.

I guess balance is key here once again, though it is kind of hard since I am still such a kid myself!

 

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I have had a love affair with the iPad this month. I have used it with the kids for some time now, and it is great for them. Though I do have to limit it because it is quite visually stimulating. I have not heard of other parents talk about this, but if I let them stay on for too long, even over 15 minutes depending on the app they get brain frenzied. There are certain educational apps that are better than others in this area. They are not as stimulating and do not cause a serious overload, but it also depends on how the kids are feeling on that day. They can either go in brain shutdown or complete overload. I am not sure if others experience this too with their kids. Everything I have read speaks about how great it is for their autistic child. (Or maybe I have heard of something, but I am so out of it I can’t remember.)

Oh, well every child is different.

Personally I only used it off and on, I was fascinated by it and wanted to play with it, but it did make me very dizzy. There was too much movement and my head would feel off after going on there. I don’t play games so I wanted to do other things on it, but would get too vertigo-ish feeling. BUT when I had the flood of words coming out of me and I couldn’t stop I needed a computer attached to me as I was with the kids, or sat at my mom’s dog sitting, or whatever I was doing. The kids would do some school work and I worked on the iPad. How did I remedy my dizzy dilemma? I hooked up a keyboard to it and for some reason it seemed to help me. I didn’t have the same problems as I had before.

My theory is that having to use the touch pad and then trying to type as well was too much for my brain to process.

Possibly there was too much concentration going into pulling up, trying to remember where the letters and numbers were, putting it back down, going back to one app, then to another, going to Safari, then back to my documents, searching, having to use my fingers differently, and the many other things that were requiring me to think longer than I normally have to. Change, and it’s not mine. I am used to tapping the keyboard keys and most everything is right there for me. I truly became much faster and less chaotic once I attached the keyboard. I also had to get over my whole feeling that the iPad was tainted.

I have been rather rambunctious about getting my own iPad.

David doesn’t understand, and I am not sure how to explain it. I JUST WANT MY OWN! I don’t want anyone else touching it. Just like my computer. I do not want anyone touching it, looking at it, thinking about it, licking it, nothing! It’s my PC and I want my own iPad. Yes, I can be quite the child when it comes certain technological devices. I want my own mp3 player, with no one touching it or knowing what I have on there. I used to be that way about the TV, but not so much anymore, although I am quite the dictator over what is allowed on it. I am this way with my books, my school stuff, my clothes, my shoes, MY STUFF. It’s mine. However, we cannot afford another iPad so I have to share.

After having kids my attitude has changed in the area of sharing, nothing is mine.

EXCEPT my PC, and one day I will have my own iPad to fall madly in love with and keep by my side. I will hug him, and squeeze him, and love him forever. Until then I will just have to share, and have affairs off and on while the kids or David are not using it. Who knew a lovely flat screen, little beauty could make me so happy, it has so many wonderful apps for me to use, it plays whatever music I want, movies, and let’s me type to it, and talk to it forever without ever tiring of my topics. It seems genuinely interested. It helps locate information, feeds my brain with knowledge and ideas, and NOW I can have all of that in my lap! Not like a bulking laptop, that crashed on me and abandoned me in my time of need. I won’t talk badly of him, but Mr. Laptop could have tried a little harder. He wasn’t as cool anyway. iPad and I will be a bit more involved in the coming weeks. Hm..Maybe I should try the keyboard with the kids.

Yes, I love the iPad, and I am not ashamed. (Until I get my own, I kid! maybe)

Yes, I did spend entirely too much time looking up iPads, and accessories. And I did end up spending too much time looking at other gadgets as well. It is a weakness. “I Love Technology” Can you tell I have gone into silly sensory/social overload? Meltdown mode right around the corner I am sure! Maybe not if I keep making myself laugh.

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I read this post “A Girl You Should Date” this morning, and thought it was quite grand. It made me giggle thinking of Ariel, and then feel a bit sad because it is going to take one smart fella to keep her. If she even wants someone in her life that is. She did say that she is going to have three kids so we’ll see how that plays out, plenty of time. Who knows by then maybe it will like Gattaca. The boys will have their challenge as well because I am not sure I (or they) can handle any girls in their life who is not a reader, it does not have to be what I read, but they will need an understanding of paracosm for sure. Maybe I could teach the love of reading…I am a mind wanderer today. (A lot going on here.)

I also have to share that this post is timely.

I finished my book a couple of days ago, and I am in the editing process. I started to feel a bit insecure about the story and wondering if it was worth it to keep going. After reading the post, it gave me a kick to keep going. The story is my two worlds of reality and fiction, ironically the main character is a reader, the setting at times is in an old bookstore, and she has a love for words. Hmm…I just need to complete it so I can say that I did it.

I smiled at this section for sure:

“It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas and for anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in poetry, in song. Give her Neruda, Pound, Sexton, Cummings. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but by god, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does.

She has to give it a shot somehow.
Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world.

Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who understand that all things will come to end. That you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two.

Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilight series.”

– Rosemarie Urquico –  

The characters are always real, whether in the book or the movie remake.

All the characters I read are a part of me and fully live and breathe while I am reading them. I think that is yet another reason why I cut off my fiction reading for so long. I admit, I fall in love with them, and can find myself being sympathetic to the villains. Some villains use the best words! The section about lying above, I want to clarify that type of lying I get when it is through word play with a person I understand or connect with. A playful banter of flinging wonderful words, making love in the mysteries of discovering what is truly meant, and how they all manifest their multiple meanings. Words are indeed love for me. I only have my poems to have word plays with, they keep me cheery and balanced….mostly.

I am babbling today, trying to stop a holiday rant. Ha ha ha (I am seriously overloaded, and now doing a garage sale this weekend. Yikes!)

On to completely different topics now, I read some other things recently that I thought were good too. I am really all over the place, but it helps me focus to read when my brain is like this. I will stop with these. Sharing.

The Truth About Lies (The list given to discover if the person is lying is too much work, I don’t know if it would be worth it for me. I’m exhausted just thinking about it.)

Regardless of what you believe, this next one about homosexuality is good to read and ponder.

Love the Homosexual, Hate Homosexuality

Love Is Blind, Marriage Is the Eye-opener

Between Real Science and Fake Science

Facing My Fears About Learning

Surviving the Holidays with Autism

This last one is an excellent reminder, especially for the holidays.

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I would really like to have Ariel ask me questions about autism, our body, the inner workings of our intestines, or questions about our galaxy. We have covered a lot of those topics, and she seems fairly satisfied with the answers, if she is not she digs through and reads the many books that we have on the topics, or we look for things on Discovery or the History Channel online, or YouTube can have some very resourceful things. We learned several words in Arabic and Italian today. However, that is not what she is asking about.

Nope, she is asking me “Why can’t I hear God’s voice?”

Why did Peter stop looking at Jesus and fall into the water? What does covet mean? Why can’t I walk on water, I have faith as small as a seed. Along with saying things like “I don’t know if God exists, I can’t see him.” She has been reading Bible graphic novels for a couple of weeks now, Genesis to Revelation. She has also read several of their Children’s Bibles. She knows every story in great detail and is asking about each one. She says that she knows what special power God gave her it’s “Science” she said: “I know and understand science, but I wish God would give me the powers to speak animal.” She told me that she knows that God lives in the clouds, but he also lives in us, so she doesn’t understand why he doesn’t talk.

Yesterday (still today) she was completely fixated on a dragon fortress that she wants for Christmas.

She started praying for it, Ariel does not like to pray. She says that she is too shy, so it is a big deal that she started praying. Many Christian parents I have been around would feel proud, and excited about some of what she was saying and asking, but to me it is hard. Well they may freak out because she wants a dragon fortress. I cannot legitimately look my little girl in the eyes on Christmas morning and say that Jesus brought her a dragon fortress.

God is not a Santa Claus figure.

He is not a simple pray and get what you want kind of character. I am fairly certain that is the wrong message to be taught about him. He is hard to understand, I cannot with a clear cautious say that I hear Him at all. Why? Because I have mixed my own personal feelings, fears, and agenda’s into my prayers and managed to convince myself of things so I could feel like I had the answers. I am not denying God or that he answers prayers, I am challenging my own perceptions and acknowledging my ability to fool myself. He has answered many prayers for me, but the fact that I was able to convince myself that my voice sounds a lot like His is something that needs to be dealt with. I am.

I do not want to pass that on to my little girl.

She is reading every word quite literally, and I know how damaging that is because I have done it. The Bible and things of God need to be taught differently to my children. Example, Ariel and Joshua spent the other evening and yesterday afternoon discussing Bible stories, and the gospels, I let them have their conversation and would challenge them when they were taking things a bit too literally. They are 5 and 7 discussing these things.

It is important that I help them not get stuck in literal thinking.

A good reason for this is because later in the day I walked into the living room, and Joshua was on his knees with his hand clasped. He stopped when I asked him if he was praying and he giggled and said:”Yes”. I asked him if he wanted to tell me what he was praying for he said: “Oh, I was praying that I would make good decisions.” The churches we have been in, and certain family members would jump on this saying how wonderful he was, or how he had a gift from God. I do not have a problem with him praying, I think it is great if they want to pray, or seeking spiritual things.

The concern I have is that they all tend to fall into black-and-white thinking.

Making good decisions implies that something that could turn into a deeper issue, the feeling that there is only right and wrong. For many people that is not an issue, for me and my kids it is. There is the constant challenge of not falling into guilt, or feeling like being wrong is the worst thing in the world. When it comes to God I have suffered a very long time with feeling like God thought badly of me or I had to do things to be good. I will not allow that to happen to my kids. Maybe I am a bit sensitive, but the other night when Ariel and I sat her room hanging out talking, she looked at me and said out of no where: “I wonder why I can’t hear God’s voice.” I asked: “What do you mean baby?” She started to tear up and with a shaky voice said:”I don’t know why I can’t hear God’s voice. I try to hear him and I can’t”. She is only 7 years old darn it! (I later discovered that she had read 1 Samuel 3 when God speaks to Samuel as a boy.)

I fought back my own tears, I was not going to allow my baby to go through that.

I scooped her in my arms and just held her as she cried in my lap. I was more angry with God than I had ever been in that moment. Even with many of the things that I have struggled with dealing with churches, other Christians, or my own personal issues, none of those had a hint of meaning as I stroked her hair. Nothing else compared to what she was feeling. I knew that feeling, I have been feeling it for months, years to be honest. And just because I say that doesn’t mean I lack faith, I have so much faith it makes me angry! I can’t get rid of it, even if I want to, believe me I have tried. I mean no disrespect to God or people who have faith, know that this is my own rantings. I cupped her face in my hands and I told her: “I don’t hear God either.”

She busted me!

She looked straight at me and said: “But you said that God gave you our names before we were born.” D’oh! She was right. I told her the truth. The truth is, I felt like their names did come from God, but I did not hear some audible voice from heaven or in my head. I saw their three names flash in my head and heard them in a voice, it’s the same voice that is talking now as I type. The same voice when I read, the same voice that writes poetry and everything else. Maybe I just hear God in my voice. So I asked her if she heard a voice that possibly told her right and wrong. Or other things. She said: “Yes, I hear a voice and I think that it is Jesus, but He always says yes.” We laughed together when she said that because we both know that Jesus does not always say yes. After I explained that I do not hear a voice, and shared the ways that I see God or feel like He is talking through nature, friends, songs, books, or the many other things that can reach us, she was all smiles. The pressure of hearing Him was lifted, and she was fine with my response.

It is hard to discuss spiritual matters with kids.

I shared with her that I may not hear God all the time. However, I do feel like when I see rainbows in the sky, or things like a pair of Converse that I have wanted for so long, and carry a huge significance to me suddenly appear in my size at a very cheap price, seems like God is there. She has witnessed many things like that happen for me, they have happened for her too and I reminded her of them. These things tend to happen during my lowest of times. For me it seems like God is saying “Hey, I see you and your are going to be alright. Here is a little something that will bring you a smile.”

Is it Jesus?

Is it the Universe, my Dragon friend I left in Germany, or an invisible friend? I do not have a clue. I feel like it is God, and I will stick with Jesus. Although, I am not going to carry all the baggage and confusion that has been looming my life for almost 13 years, about who or what it is.  I got really messed up when I walked into the strange world of churchdom. I mean no disrespect, but our brains are not wired well for church in this household. It causes more confusion than answers, at least right now.

My kids bring up some hard topics.

They ask us about what we believe and why. They ask about divorce, why people lie, why people don’t like people because of their race, or religion. They want to know why, a lot of these questions come from Ariel she is always thinking and observing these things. I want her to feel safe when she says I don’t know if God exists. I have seen kids get yelled at or have seen parents respond in fear when their child said that. For me it was a moment that made me feel good, she is thinking about it. She is reading the bibles around here and pondering the stories and questioning. When she gets older I will introduce her to church history and more details about other faiths. I am not afraid of her not believing what I believe.

I am afraid of her not having her own faith.

Or finding her own beliefs and becoming shaky because she was not able to discover herself. I have more trust in God’s ability to reach down and convince her of Him, than forcing her myself or worse yet using fear to make her believe something. I feel that way for all of the kids. The boys are not really pondering about spiritual matters yet, but they have asked their own hard questions. Not like Ariel, not yet, but I know that it is coming. These kids think, they ponder, they reason, and they do not stay quiet about it. They do not settle for simple answers. I don’t want them to believe what we have told them without thought, or feel like our authority as parents trumps their valid questions. I want them to learn and grow with us, I want them to feel comfortable challenging and questioning. I want Ariel to develop her God given superpowers of Science!

I want them to feel safe talking about things, and never feel like they are wrong if they don’t agree with us.

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This post is going to be a mix of stuff. It is one of my mind dump posts because I have been consuming so many different things that I need at least some of them to get out to clear my mind. Aww, the way my brain processes.  First on the list an article that I read it made me think about how at times I have had inappropriate facial expressions while someone is angry with me or sad even. My kids and I are very bad at laughing or smiling when someone is upset. I have burst into laughter or couldn’t stop smiling when Joshua or Daniel have had horrible screaming meltdowns. I don’t want to. I try to stop, I cover my mouth, I don’t let them see me, I run out of the room, but sometimes I can’t stop. I am not laughing or smiling at them at all, inside I am hurting for them, I am wanting to help them.

It is the strangest thing. 

I have done this a lot in my life when people are angry at me, oh, gosh have I gotten in a lot of trouble. All of the kids do it to me too when I am upset at them, or if I have an angry face. They will start laughing at me or smiling. Most times I do not get upset, there are sometimes though that their deeds require a serious mom. I still have a hard time not smiling when they start doing that. When I cry as well, they come up and smile in my face. Daniel will laugh and ask: “Why are you crying?” and just giggle away. I have known that they are not doing it out of disrespect or being defiant, it is how they respond. I understand it because I do it too. They would never mean it in a hurtful way, they are very sensitive and compassionate kids. In our household it actually helps us quite a bit, when we get each other smiling or laughing about a situation it helps us be able to talk about it. It helps not to go into shutdown mode.

After I read this article What the Face of Love Looks Like I thought possibly, we are just showing our faces of love to each other.

“That’s the face of the love for you, or at least one of them. The restraint to avoid fighting fire with fire. The ability to absorb rather than return the hostile volley. The instinct to try take the edge off a partner’s negative emotional state.”

(Let me add that the hilarity of the Whitesnake video added at the end really won me over with this article.)

Speaking of love…

This article 4 Psychological Processes That Are Ruining America was very thought-provoking indeed. I connected it to my previous self-worth posts, by really pondering each of the four processes. I do feel they express an issue with how we evaluate our own self-worth and the worth of others. I like to challenge my thinking, I like to dig around and expose where I have accepted fallacies, I don’t know why I just do. So when I read something like this, I go through my own thinking and try to change where I have fallen into them. As best of my ability, I never knowingly operate in The We-They Feeling, Blaming the Victim, Diffusion of Responsibility, or Egocentric Biases. I suppose most people would say that as well, they do not knowingly operate in these processes. I would hope no one would once they discovered that they were. I like how at the end of each segment there is a simplified solution to think about. I am not going to go into my opinions, I suggest reading it yourself and see what you think.

Some other fascinating videos and articles that I have found about music and neuroscience.

Musical Minds was suggested to me by a friend months ago, unfortunately our TV channels here did not air it, but I finally found it online last week and found it to be quite interesting.

I am in the process of watching (listening)  Explorations from Music and Neuroscience – Ep. 628 as I am typing this right now. Wow! I am at 15 minutes with this video and so far it is very intriguing, I can’t wait to see what else he shares. (I hope it works for everyone I cannot find it on Youtube or anywhere else.) He just quoted an excerpt from this:

Secene 1: Where Everything Is Music

Don’t worry about saving these songs!
And if one of our instruments breaks,
it doesn’t matter.

We have fallen into the place
where everything is music.

The strumming and the flute notes
rise into the atmosphere,
and even if the whole world’s harp
should burn up, there will still be
hidden instruments playing.

So the candle flickers and goes out.
We have a piece of flint, and a spark.

This singing art is sea foam.
The graceful movements come from a pearl
somewhere on the ocean floor.

Poems reach up like spendthrift and the edge
of driftwood along the beach, wanting!

They derive
from a slow and powerful root
that we can’t see.

Stop the words now!
Open the window in the center of your chest,
and let the spirits fly in and out.

Last article I will share The Neuroscience of Music.

I can get so sidetracked with neuroscience, I have always been fascinated with how the brain works and why it does what it does. I guess that is why I had so many friends that were psychology majors. I didn’t have to go to school I just picked their brains with a billion questions and read their textbooks. Now I also read neuroscience books to go along with it! Yippie!

I really want to get this book Emotion and Meaning in Music  along with several thousand others. Ha ha ha

Alright I think I got enough out, I confess I am in a consuming information loop because my grandma came to town, change. I took my mom and grandma to the airport this morning because they are going on a really awesome TCM cruise this weekend. Then, my wonderful, jolly, white hair grandma (the kids call her “Grandma with the White Hair”) will be staying here until the 19th. I am taking care of my mom’s dog Fitzy, so that is throwing our schedule all off. These are all good things, and ok I am just trying to adjust this morning. I am actually doing quite well. I believe that I can focus on the rest of my day now. I will leave you with a photo that my mom says sums her up completely.

Yes, that is her Santa and Flamingos. Awesome! And it is true that can sum up my mom completely when she is wholly being herself.

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