State of emotional undergoing?

Before you venture into this post, I will warn you this is kind of a “mind dump” and in the “middle of processing” kind of read. I needed to get some of this out though because it was causing me to loop. They were not negative loops, but it is one of those times where my brain has been trying to make rapid connections.

That being said I hope I am making sense as I share some of this.

I discovered some enthralling information. I am not sure if others have read any of this, but it is new to me and I am intrigued. (I will get to it in a moment.) The last few days I have been stirring around in my head some emotions that I am not sure what to do with. I am angry. I do not know how to be angry. I am also happy at the same time. This anger that I am trying to work through is stemmed from what I see as hateful, manipulative, deceptive, and coated in sugar which makes me even more upset. I can handle a person being a jerk — I cannot handle a jerk pretending like they are sweet and innocent. I especially, get upset when they are in positions of influence, or family members. I want to tell the people who are being tricked that this person is a “Phony!” Lol! I also want to save them from being deceived because when the deception is revealed it can be so devastating and damaging emotionally and physically.

However, I cannot tell them.

Many do not want to know and they will fight to the death to stand by the person they deem as wonderful and grand. It is hard to keep my mouth shut and watch it happen. If I thought my words would do any good I would speak up, and share what I know or what is in my heart, but so far my track record  has ended with me being the bad guy. Even after it is proven to be true…what can you do? There is more than one situation I am referring to at the moment, and I cannot talk about it without it coming out all wrong so I will not. I will share my findings about empathy though. I believe that this is a form of me expressing my empathy. I am not sure what to do with the emotions that I am feeling if I continue to hold them in I may explode.

I do not want this to happen so I am trying something new.

Instead of my usual path of verbal destruction that tends to lack “empathetic” words I am directing myself in a different route. I decided to focus on emotions and empathy. I found Project of Rhetoric of Inquiry Poroi I have linked to the archives. This is through The University of Iowa. What caught my eye was this Volume 4, Issue 1 (2005) Assorted Articles plus Two Poroi Symposia on Emotions. I started reading this one first Empathy, Psychology, and Aesthetics: Reflections on a Repair Concept David Depew© It starts off with the etymology of the word Empathy. I know that many of the words we use today have lost their true meanings or they have morphed into other translations.

I find that very sad indeed.

The loss of the richness of word meaning is a painful thought to me. I do enjoy discovering the truest form of translations though. There is so much packed into this article that I don’t even know where to start. I am reading through several different ones and they are bringing some clarity to me, but I am not sure my connections will make sense to others yet…processing. AND I will add that the articles seem to be thought provoking and need time to dissect and process — if you are into that sort of thing.

In this particle article I will share some excerpts to maybe catch your interest.

Paragraph 1

“Empathy translates the late-nineteenth-century German coinage of Einfühlung.1 Like empathy after it, Einfühlung arose in a part of empirical psychology that is no longer much cultivated, namely the psychology of aesthetic response. This may seem odd. But the fact that the German empirical psychologists of the late nineteenth century, who virtually founded the field, would have accorded much importance to the empirical, psychological side of aesthetics is actually not strange at all.”

Paragraph 6

“The prefix em and its equivalent en mean in. For empatheia, this seems to mean being into one’s own pathic state of experience, of undergoing. This is passion in the original, and New Testament, sense. More weakly, it is the l960s counter-cultural sense of “being into” something. In any case, it does not mean entering into the emotions of others, or more generally putting oneself in the position of another, as the current concept does. Accordingly the stipulative identification of Einfühlung with empatheia by Lipps might suggest that he did not know Greek well. But his Greek was, in this instance at least, fine. For he meant just what the late Greek term meant – an especially intense state of feeling – with the added inference that we experience feeling states this intense as belonging to an external object that occasions them.”

Paragraph 7

“What about the English term empathy? It came into the language through the influence of German empirical psychology in Great Britain and the United States. (All early American psychologists, including William James, were educated in Germany.) Thus E. B. Tichener, a German-trained psychologist writing in English, defined empathy as “the process of humanizing objects, of feeling ourselves or reading ourselves into them.” He remarked, “I see gravity, modesty, courtesy, stateliness [in someone], but also feel them. I suppose that’s a simple case of empathy, if we may coin the term as a rendering of Einfühlung.”7 That was in l909.”

~David Depew

I found this entire article interesting, later in the article he shares about empathy and sympathy.

As I read through this, I wondered how many unrealistic expectations are put on people — especially autistics to achieve an amount of romanticized definitions of sympathy, empathy, and love. I find it interesting as well that many times I can humanize objects much more than I can people. This is not because I lack empathy for people I still feel what they are feeling, but I do not know how to express it. I am unsure as to how to help them feel better, or help the situation. The emotions can be so overwhelming for me that I have to shutdown. There is the consideration that I do not understand many of my own emotions at times, to feel someone else in distress, pain, or anger can be confusing. Are they my emotions and if so where did they come from? Are they the other person’s emotions? If so why am I feeling them so strongly? Once I discern what and who I am feeling I then have to process why I am feeling it.

After all of that, I am then pulling up any information that relates to the situation.

I am looking for the best way to help the person or situation. If I have not experienced anything like it I may shutdown. If I have experienced something like it or if it is similar I will do what I feel. However, if the similar situation was traumatizing that could send me into overload emotionally. I will relive my experience and theirs at the same time. How does one even process that? It is intense and overwhelming. In several cases however, for me to go through this has been incredibly healing because it forced me to feel and deal with emotions I did not understand, or tried to ignore out of confusion.

Many times it seems like I relate more to my computer than a lot of people.

A book can make me feel more loved through its words than those in my life. It is my projection. I am projecting empathy to myself through objects because they do not confuse me. Even though I “feel into” people the responses I have received from them has caused me to retract and hide my empathy. The other factor that can get mixed into the stress is my social confusion of the situation. If it doesn’t make sense to me it can make it difficult to figure out how to show empathy.

My overwhelming emotions toward what others are feeling cause me to shut down.

It feels safer to express love or empathy to my iPad than a person — my iPad will not reject me, or misread how I am expressing myself. I can give tons of affection to my cat and feel empathy towards him because he does not demand anything in return. Demand is the key word here — it feels like I am demanded to express myself in specific ways that is accepted by a societal code.  This code that isn’t really clear to me. My cat does not expect me to express my love or compassion toward him in a specific way… at all times.

I am naturally, intensely empathetic.

Many people do not know it though because I shut down. Has anyone ever asked me what empathy is to me? Has anyone ever asked an autistic child or adult what it means to them? I am referring to the masses. (I know there are those out there who have.)  I am sure they have, but why are there so many studies on how we “lack” or do not lack empathy when the real question is why are so many people expecting the exact same response for such a broad word. It’s a word that clearly has multiple meanings and definitions these days — along with having the similar influence of projection such as the word love. I can love intensely, but many people would not understand my great affections toward things, or people. I care deeply, but many people do not understand how I show how much I care. My heart hurts for people emphatically when I feel like they are hurting, but my expression may only come out through a poem.

Empathy can feel lacking when it is not reciprocated in the same way.

I show empathy by staying quiet sometimes, others interpret that as me not caring. I think the empathetic thing we can do is remember that others need to feel comforted, or heard in different ways. We also need to remember that we all show empathy in different ways. I think it is unrealistic to expect people to show empathy the way you show empathy. I have learned this the hard way. I have felt many times people were being cruel to me when they were actually trying to show me empathy and vice versa. Possibly remembering that our own projections can influence how we express empathy could bring better understanding. It could help all of us to step back and ask the question: “Is this how I would like to be shown empathy or is this how they need empathy expressed to them?”

Still I believe there has to be compromise from both parties.

One should not be expected to know how to do this without proper communication by each person. I am afraid I will not remember all of this. I will fail I know I will, but I can remember to ask people how they would like to be comforted. Sometimes I just know, but it really depends on the person and how open they are. The problem that I have encountered in the past has been people getting offended at me when I asked what they needed.

They were upset at me because I did not automatically know.

They got upset with me because I did know what to do when they were sad, angry, depressed, annoyed, or even expressing love as well as the many other emotions that fill humanity. I think it is very cruel to be upset with me for not knowing how to help, or comfort a person.  How am I supposed to know what they need if they do not tell me? Although I can do the same thing at times, because I think other people would feel the same way as I do in a similar situation. The issue here is that those expecting me to know how they feel have the knowledge that people think differently. They supposedly have the constant comprehension of theory of mind…but I do not. I have to work very hard to remind myself that others are not thinking what I am thinking. It seems to me that shows a lot of empathy. Maybe? I am going to be chewing on this stuff for a while. Processing…

Here are the other articles that I found interesting.

Emotions as Reasons in Public Arguments John S. Nelson ©

The Oxymoron of Empathic Criticism Readerly Empathy, Critical Explication, and the Translator’s Creative Understanding Russell Scott Valentino ©

Empathy and Analogy ©   Allison Barnes and Paul Thagard (I have not read all of this yet.)

I know that I am prone to put myself under a microscope more so than I do others.

I treat myself like some sort of science project trying to figure out why I do this or why I said that. I want to know why I think the things I do, especially when I feel like others around me do not or I can’t let something go. The other day when I had a meltdown I started to pick myself apart wanting to know why I did such a thing when I haven’t in so very long. Why this time? What sent me over? Why did I feel better when I threw the loaf of bread at the toaster? And why didn’t David understand that his words to me seemed to imply that I was in trouble? Why did I automatically think that I was in trouble? Why did I assume that David was implying in his words “Don’t you need to go to Target?” that he meant that I had better get off of the computer, deal with Daniel, make breakfast for everyone, and get my butt to the store, then back home again to enable him to get upstairs and get back to work?

Why did I think that?

I still am not sure what he meant and I told him after all was settled that is what I thought he was saying to me. I am still angry at his words, but I cannot tell you why exactly. Possibly because they seemed completely inappropriate at the time. I knew I had to go to the store. I knew that in order to go to the store I needed to get off of the computer, help Daniel calm down, make breakfast, and then go. I knew that so why at that moment would he say that? Why didn’t he understand that I needed to get calm myself before helping Daniel, or doing anything else? The computer and my thoughts were the only thing keeping me calm, why would he interrupt that? I am not trying to make David look bad here I am trying to figure out what I am feeling and why. Part of me at this second doesn’t care at all, then there is the analytical side that needs this puzzle resolved. I really have no answers to my questions I am writing them out to get them out of my head.

It did send me on a course of being fixated on the brain…again.

I also tried to work with the kids about their emotions and asked them to express themselves this morning. I asked them to explain what they feel like when they are angry and happy. I could only get through those two. The ironic thing is that Daniel was the only one who could clearly define what he feels like when he is angry. Joshua could not find his own answers he repeated Daniel’s, and Ariel could not answer me at all. She looked at me blankly and said:”I don’t know.” I asked her rephrasing the questions to try to help her, and she could not. She finally said:”I really don’t know. I don’t know how I feel when I am angry. When I am happy I just want to play.” I know what she means. I will share some of what Daniel told me because I think that it is awesome.

Anger expressed by Daniel

When I am angry my head makes me want to kick the door and kick you.
My stomach feels upset.
It’s ok to be mad, but it’s not ok to scream at people.
It’s not ok to hit people.
Instead of hitting, screaming, or kicking I can go read.
When I am angry for a long time, then I get really calm.
I lose my words when I get mad.

He did an incredible job expressing what anger was to him.

To be honest I was amazed that he told me all of that, and he shared more, but I will limit it to what I have already written. I asked him why he wanted to kick me and he told me because he wants me to fix it. He thinks that I know why he is upset and I should fix it. Oh, boy! I can relate to that too. I have been reading more about Theory of Mind, and see with clarity my lack of. I think that part of the reason I find it so difficult to understand others is because I do not even understand my own emotions at times. What if you lack theory of mind for yourself? I do understand that a contributing factor to my lack of understanding is suppressing my emotions.

Which one was first suppression or lack of understanding?

I would venture to say the latter because I would first have to feel the need to suppress. Suppress what? What I do not understand, emotions. They probably played off of each other, as a child I didn’t understand my emotions and I was not allowed to express them freely. They would be through meltdowns, shutdowns, anxiety attacks, and what was perceived as misbehaving. These behaviors have not left me I have gotten better at controlling them or hiding them. I can link my obsessive behaviors with wanting to suppress emotions. It has helped me push them down using my rituals, or fixations to make the feelings go away.  Sometimes I will work harder at it because it is so confusing, and I don’t know what I am feeling. I see why some of my behaviors have been deemed addictive, by myself and others.

In these months that I have been working through things I have not been suppressing them.

I have been feeling them without clarity to what they are, or why I am feeling them at that moment. I have had to tell myself over and over that emotions are not bad. My emotions are telling me something. It is alright to feel them and let them ride their course. I do not know if others have such problems with this, but it is so difficult to not run and hide from them. I haven’t allowed myself though — I have continued to write whatever I am feeling. The discovery of finding release creatively has helped me greatly. The ability to write emotions whether I know what it is about or not has been healing.

I am learning a great deal about myself.

The process has brought some clarity to the difference between what I am feeling, and when I am adopting someone else’s emotions. However, some of my emotions are so intense that I don’t know how to deal with them. I was feeling very upset about many things the past couple of weeks. The other morning when I lost it I had hit my threshold. I felt exhausted from trying to help the kids with their “moments” from the past couple weeks. I get overwhelmed with feeling like I have to constantly know how to help Daniel. I get tired and frustrated from a lot of things. AND then I am supposed to be reading people as well?

I don’t have it in me.

I may sound like a narcissist, but sometimes it is just too much sensory, emotionally, and mentally wise to have to think about what another person means when they say something to me. Or having to deal with their emotions, how I may have hurt their feelings. There are times when I want to say: “Screw it!” it’s just too much. I am tired of processing emotions. I am tired of worrying about if I understand someone or if they understand me. I’m tired of passive-aggressive people. It’s a waste on me anyway it takes days, weeks, months, sometimes years to even realize someone was being passive-aggressive. I completely lost track of what I was writing here, forgive me…quisquous comes to mind. I just like “qu” words. (giggle)

Sorry if I make no sense at all I am processing the very thing I do not want to do today, but cannot stop it.

I am neither sad nor upset in this post, I really am just processing and actually feel fine. Come to think of it I feel better doing this mind dump. Hopefully, I wasn’t too negative sounding.

Some reads I thought were worth sharing.

Intellectual vs. Emotional Processing

Robert Seyfarth: Theory of Mind Video (Great! According to him I am like a three year old. I guess I can learn?)

Empathy, Mindblindness, and Theory of Mind  (I might have shared this before, but it is worth reading again.)

I will share this bit from the above link:

While some professionals will say, as in a quote from Stephen Edelson Ph.D., “…many autistic individuals do not understand that other people have their own plans, thoughts, and points of view,” I think this is overly simplistic.  For myself, I can say that I absolutely understand that people have their own plans, thoughts, and points of view – but those plans, thoughts, and points of view are often a mystery to me. 

Do Not Suppress Addictive Thoughts! (I have a whole post in my head linked to damaging beliefs and suppressing addictive behaviors and/or emotions, thoughts, etc…)

DSM 5 Autism Criteria: Clarifying Impact, Taking Action

I add this as well because another source of emotional confusion for me has been numerous disputes, and then confusions regarding the DSM-5 and between people in the autism community. I have had to limit some of my reading because I get so torn reading from different perspectives. I can see the points from each party and I want to bring peace to the camps, but I cannot.

The spider had been in the corner of the kitchen hidden under various other objects.

It was hiding in a place that I had not seen because quite honestly I was completely overwhelmed with all of the random small pieces or mismatched toys that clustered various small places in this house. The toys that should go in a lost and found box for later, but somehow Daniel seems to think they belong in corners of the house, under my blankets on my bed, randomly placed in my closet, or completely dumped in any or all rooms of the house. I have pictures of these toy dumps for just today that I will convince him later that he needs to help me clean up. However, it will mainly be me or David cleaning it up. Yes, yes the spider.

I had to tell him that I threw it away.

WHY?? Why did I do such an evil vile thing? On purpose?! I will not go into detail, but will only say aggressive much? The last couple weeks have been the delayed reaction to the holidays. The kids in their own way have been having small meltdowns, but nothing major. Daniel has been aggressive off and on for about two weeks, but his recovery time and his aggressive behaviors have not been anywhere near what they used to be. I forget how much of a toll this takes on me because I am in reaction mode, then I wonder why I feel the need to stim for hours. This morning was pretty bad though. It was so bad that I had my own meltdown. I couldn’t help it. I was overwhelmed with being derailed once again for school and trying to pull myself together to get us able to focus and accomplish what we needed to for today.

I could not control my outburst.

It was not directed at the kids. I was trying to finish my thoughts because I was stuck and needed to get them out. Daniel was screaming at me, and kicking the back of my chair. Then, David asked: “Don’t you need to go to Target?” That did not sit well with me. I had no control over my words, and went in and started breakfast. I was throwing bread of course, and tossing eggs. Then, I stopped, put my head in my arms and kept repeating: “I can’t get back, I can’t get back.” while stomping my foot and almost crying. I was completely derailed. I have been struggling for weeks to get back to our schedule. It isn’t going well. The kids are being argumentative about school, and I am trying my best to stay motivated myself.

Long story short I had to apologize to David.

Daniel had to apologize to me. I went to Target and cried in the vitamin aisle, then felt guilt for having a meltdown. I did not find a spider so I had to go to two other stores and finally found one. If I did not get a spider Daniel would not have been able to move forward for who knows how long. I came home, gave him the spider and all was well with him anyway. Joshua and Ariel is another story. Joshua has been highly emotional lately and feeling like everyone is leaving him out. It does not make sense to me at all because no one is. It really causes me  confusion, which is never good because that makes me anxious. I don’t know how to help or even understand it. Ariel is transitioning from little girl to girl, and that has a whole other dynamic that I can relate to. I just was not expecting it at seven years old.

It’s all quite interesting.

The positive is that recovery time today and the other days have been short for the kids. I think part of my meltdown today was that I have been holding this stuff in and trying to put out fires forgetting that it affects me too. When Daniel is aggressive I have to be on my toes trying to save things in the house, stop him from throwing things, slamming doors, breaking the toys that he loves. I don’t know why he always goes to destroy his favorite toys. He always gets so upset after they are broken, it makes it worse. Wait…after thinking about it I have done the same thing. Maybe it is because we are so upset it makes us even angrier to see something that can make us happy. Possibly a form of control. Who knows I am analyzing to escape.

I am still overwhelmed and will need this day to recover.

We did finish all of our school work. Daniel completed everything and even brought me a social skills book saying: “I want to read this today. It is my favorite.” It was perfect because it has visuals and the wrong way and the right way to do things. It is this book The Social Skills Picture Book Teaching play, emotion, and communication to children with autism excellent resource. Daniel and Joshua are playing together and it is like nothing ever happened this morning. I am fine with that actually I am elated by that, but I am exhausted. I feel like I wrestled with a rhinoceros or something and I lost. It is already better so I am trying to get back on track by writing this out.

I did watch another TED video that I thought was worth sharing Sarah Kay: If I should have a daughter …

Even if you feel no interest in watching the whole thing I do recommend listening to her poems in the beginning and at the end. It is a good reminder that the bad days always get better. BUT I will say it is excellent to watch she is a poet and the way that she talks about it explains my brain with poems. Project V.O.I.C.E.looks awesome!

I have been allowing the poems that are flooding through me to come out.

It is part of accepting my means of processing. I think I may feel some poems coming regarding my emotions for today, and tomorrow the kids and I are going to write some poems. I am going to see if they will be able to write some of what they have been feeling the last few weeks. The more that I listened to Sarah Kay the more I say even if you do not feel like a poet it is definitely worth watching. It is helpful to be reminded that others relate even if you do not hear from them or know it, or have consuming feelings like you have nothing to contribute. You do have a story to share and it matters.

Whatever your form of communication is — your voice matters.

Title of gallery “New Spider & Random Toy Dumps”

[Show as slideshow]

I had to make a couple of phone calls yesterday.

My ballet lessons are going to start next week, I had to call to finalize everything and get the schedule, attire, etc… I had been contacting them through a woman via email, but then she told me that I needed to call the teacher. It took me two days to work up the nerve. I wrote my questions and thoughts down in case I needed them. It turned out to be very positive (yea!) and I got along well with the teacher on the phone, and I am excited that it is a guy. Yea! Again, I think that will be a better fit for me. All went well, but after I hung up I immediately started dissecting everything I said. I started pouring over the conversation wondering if I sounded like a spaz. I wondered if I was coherent in my conversation or random and chaotic.

As I went over it I realized how nice he was.

I also understood that he was happy to have another person coming to his class. I normally never think of that, I always feel like a bother. (I try not to.) Still I was all sweaty, my heart was racing, I didn’t stop thinking about if for a while until I was able to convince myself that it was a positive experience just like I initially thought. It was about a 10 minute conversation that took me about two hours to get over. Geez! Once I got over that phone call I had to prepare myself for the next one. I was calling an adult & adolescent psychiatric office. “Adult & adolescent” psychiatric office who stated that they specialize in autism spectrum disorders. I wrote my list of questions, called, and got sent to voice mail. I despise leaving messages because I never know what to say unless I have it written down, and I get all freaked out and start talking rapidly and saying whatever flies into my head.

I did alright leaving a message.

Then I had the anticipation of waiting for them to call back. It is so debilitating to wait for a phone call. I try not to focus on it, but I am in constant anxiety waiting for it. It takes a lot of work to keep the script at the forefront of my mind. I do this with everyone and the phone. If they say they are going to call I-need-them-to-call when they say they will, when they give no clarity and it is open-ended I am unable to let it go. I try, I really do. In the past if they did not call I assumed they didn’t want to talk to me or make plans like they had suggested. I would then lead into a negative loop wondering why they would say that they would call when they never intended to. Why wouldn’t they just say they didn’t want to do something if they didn’t want to? Among a million other questions. I have learned that this is faulty thinking, but it still arises.

I digress!

I was waiting for the phone call unable to do anything else, but spin the questions and how I was going to answer the phone in my head. I was also feeling anxious because I did not know what they sounded like. There are some voices that I cannot handle and if they have that particular type of voice it will throw me. The phone finally rang. She had a nice voice. I grabbed my questions went into one of the rooms and shut the door. I told her my reasons for calling, to get an adult diagnosis for autism spectrum disorder. Keep in mind I have been searching for a place for months that deals with adults on the spectrum. Everywhere I called or emailed did not do anything for adults around here and they could not lead me to anyone. What is that?

When I found this place I was so hopeful.

Add to this my anxiety from calling and emailing other places with no help or directions and feeling really upset that no one is focusing on adults on the autism spectrum in my town or near my town. What was her reply to me when I said that? “That is unheard of for an adult to get a diagnosis for autism — children usually get diagnosed with it at ages between two and three. Adults would be diagnosed with Aspergers are you talking about that?” I was shaken and went off script. First her tone was hard for me to discern and I felt like she was talking to me like I was an idiot. I had already spilled out that I had a son on the spectrum so I would think that she understood I knew what I was asking for. What is she going to do if/when Asperger’s is eliminated from the DSM-V? What do adults on the spectrum miraculously disappear or now we are all Rain Man?

Forgive me it did throw me.

I lost my focus, I started rambling and saying whatever and I realized that I took over in an authoritative voice because I had lost trust in her ability to help me or understand autism. I have since recanted my initial thoughts upon contemplation. She knows nothing about me, what I have read, what I have done with Daniel, what I have written here on my blog, she has no clue that I am completely emerged in many aspects of autism, and that on a daily basis I am consuming large amounts of information about it from various means. How would she know that? I didn’t realize that until much later. All in all it turned out good. I am fairly certain that I convinced her I was at least Asperger’s in the short time we were on the phone because she changed her tune as well after I changed mine.

She took on a more therapist type of persona.

She became calm as she spoke to me, and finally said that she didn’t think that we would be a good fit since she works with children. Halt! I was sent to her because she was the one who was the “autism” doctor in the office, the name of the office clearly states “adults” in its title. I was confused. She explained to me that they do not handle adults with “Asperger’s” because remember only adults have Asperger’s. Fine. I shutdown. She did catch on that something was wrong, and she gave me names of two neuropsychologists in the area that may be able to help. She was pleasant at the end, I liked how she was able to manage me a bit to bring me back from my fuzzy mind, and she did direct me to people who may be able to help. At the end she wished me luck and I thanked her.

I put the phone down and started crying.

Only for a moment, but the whole thing was too much. Once again I was overwhelmed with calling a place that could not help me. I was overwhelmed with having to talk to a stranger on the phone. I was overwhelmed with the FACT that I cannot pick up a phone and be ok! It is a source of frustration for me. The good news I did not loop about either of the two conversations I had yesterday. I was able to collect my thoughts, reason through and see that everything was fine. However, my day was shot I was stimming all night on music and reading blogs. I was exhausted and mentally drained. I don’t know how I made it through some of my workplaces. Especially the insurance office and the temporary agency where my job required me to answer the phone. Now that I think of it for several reasons those places were not good for me to work at, but also at both places I got physically ill.

While at the insurance place I was diagnosed with depression. 

Then, put on anti-depressants. While at the agency I was sick for months. I was depressed then too, but could not admit it because people in my life told me that my faith should be healing me from those dark thoughts. Long story. Back to the phone. After I got off the phone with her, I looked up the doctors names she gave me. I scoped out their websites, and decided to send an email to one who said she did “autism spectrum disorder” evaluations. She did not make it clear that she did adults, though she mentions adults, but after my last phone call I had to know. I sent an email and indeed she does. Yes! She was helpful too in offering to answer any questions I have. I will call her tomorrow. I need a phone break. I was happy with her quick response to my email and directness to my questions. I am hopeful…again.

Now if I could only be ok with the phone! I need phone therapy me thinks.

I think that is great!

I love that it makes me take a look at my own views to see how I am being polarized in my thinking in some areas because I am so close to the subject or situation. I appreciate his talk which can be watched here Alain de Botton: Atheism 2.0. I thought it was refreshing and had a lot of insight that can be applied into my views on faith, and church. It also reminded me to see how much my views can get distorted when I get fixated on one specific thing. I believe this is why I find so much peace when I am gathering information from different views, or faiths because I know my ability to trick myself into a black-and-white world. I then have an inner struggle without realizing it because something does not feel right…but what? It doesn’t feel right because it is a form of conformity, which is uncomfortable for my mind.

I naturally rail against it.

I always want to be open, and willing to understand another person’s perspective. Um…As long as it is not detrimental or destructive, such as blatant racism or hatred. However, I do seem to gravitate toward wanting to understand their reasons for being racist or full of hate. Why? Why? Why? I can get fixated with that my serial killer obsession comes to mind. I find the meeting of minds, and discussions to develop, learn, and change to be a need in my life. I will shutdown in heated arguments, or rants out of hurt or fearful emotions. I took this video as a positive way to look at religion that I had lost, and I also was quite intrigued by his views. They made me think and gave me some wonderful things to think about and process. It is ironic that I am currently working through a post in my mind about my reasons for polarizing or constantly trying to create an all or nothing type of environment. It has been a coping mechanism of mine that I am dismantling.

I appreciate his respect toward religion, but also him being himself and clearly not believing.

I found I liked his humor, and many things he had to share. At the end I really liked his explanation of not needing a mystical experience in order to feel connected to something bigger. I struggle with that all the time in my spiritual community, feeling inadequate or lacking because I do have or feel something “mystical” happening to me. I tend to feel a great connection, sense of belonging, and oneness with people when they share with me. If they share music, poems, words, or if I am watching someone operate in their talent. I feel connected and oneness to something bigger. Even in his talk I felt it — I guess it is more like I feel the oneness when I see other people expressing their passions, their hearts, and who they truly are without hindrance. I say that makes me feel one with humanity to some extent which makes me feel connected to God or if you would like to say the Universe or Higher Power. I find having a true connection with someone to be quite a mystical experience.

All of us can benefit so much when we cast our filters down for a moment.

Alright that’s my peace talk for the day. I know it is a kumbaya fantasy of mine, but without those fantasies I lose hope. If anything this is for me to see areas that I am being polarized in my thinking and finding good in something I started to lose any hope in. On another note here is David Eagleman on The Colbert Report. I thought it was funny and it proves once again that my brain is indeed messing with me!!  I knew it I just needed more evidence. I hope to get his new book sometime soon as well. I am enjoying SUM very much, and it has me thinking as well. And I don’t know why Proust keeps coming up in my life. I must really need to be learning something there, or it’s just the Universe and my brain messing with me…that happens a lot.

“Every man must decide whether he will walk in the light of creative altruism or in the darkness of destructive selfishness.” ~Martin Luther King, Jr.

The change is happening.

This last shutdown or meltdown if you want to call it that — I will be completely open here and tell what it looked like. When I say I lost my words, I mean that I lost them with most people. I could write, but I could not email or even leave the house. During my shutdowns/meltdowns I am fully capable of taking care of my children, doing school (most times), making all three meals, and snacks, keeping the house for the most part, and either I can consume large amounts of info or I can only watch TV and YouTube. I learned from an early age to control my shutdowns/meltdowns because I had to be ok for my mom — I had to be ok it was not an option. She had her own shutdown/meltdowns and I took the role of making sure everything was alright for her. As a child my mom did her best, but I was a handful and very confusing to her.

The problem with “controlling” them is (was) I get no release or ability to move on.

It still will manifest through some means eventually. When I am hit with social confusion, or say anxiety I will turn to helping people or directing all of energy to the kids and how to help them. I then hold everything in and explode through various ways such as tears or through going overboard cleaning the house in a mad frenzy. The good news this time around it did not last nearly as long as it has in the past. I did not spend additional days looping on it. When it was over my brain was finished with it as well. I did not feel guilt or shame, or stupid for my thoughts. One evening I did collapse on my computer sobbing, and did not stop for about 30 minutes. The reason being I was so overwhelmed with the thoughts of me not existing to people, and battling my mind between knowing that those words were not true and those words feeling so true.

When the initial sobbing started I received an email from a friend at that exact moment in the evening.

In the moment I received it I could not even read it with a proper perspective it took me several days to reply. My mind was consumed, but the email let me know that indeed I was not invisible at least not to them for that moment. Never underestimate a simple email, whether it is only a smiley face, two sentences, or several paragraphs. (If you feel the urge to send it do so because you have no idea who may be sobbing on the other side just needing that email.) After it was over I was fine, though I could not read any emails until the next day and could barely write anything for a couple of days. I also made sure that I did not completely cut off because that can cause deeper negative loops. I wrote to a friend with my few words and discovered they were going through a shutdown as well. We were in the same position and were able to bring some comfort to each other with what little words we had.

All of this may not sound so positive, but for me these are great things.

They helped me refocus, and place in my arsenal of new scripts how to spring back from loops that I am unable to stop. I have found that the most difficult task is the battle in my mind of what is true, and what is perceived true through my negative self-image. I have filtered through the negative image of myself for so long that it truly hurts my brain to tell myself it is not an accurate perspective. Even more good news, my self-image is changing for the better. I still struggle with that though it may be a life long thing, along with negative self-talk, but that is changing as well. I first had to realize that I was doing it, then that has prompted me to change how I talk to myself. I had worked on that regarding how I talked about myself out loud because I did not want my kids to hear me speak negative things about myself.

I had not made the connection that I was continuing to do it silently.

I admit I have had this revelation before about negative self-talk,  but did not have clarity about some ways that I continued to talk to myself. After this round of emotional “work through” I came up with a set of goals that I plan on accomplishing this year. I have six written down so far. I realized the other day that I set goals all the time. I set goals, but they are always directed toward things for the kids, or the house. I usually have my identity wrapped up in something that has not a lot to do with me personally. The goals I have set are specific to me. I admit I am both excited and hesitant about them, but they are good and though may be a bit challenging I can achieve them. I was really inspired by what someone said in a video, but I can’t remember where it is now. (I watched too much YouTube the other day.) She wrote out: “Document it even if you don’t think you’ll ever share it.”

I watched her video of a culmination of attempts, failures, and achievements in her process.

It helped me remember how important it is for me to keep record, to keep my writings, to keep my many thoughts filed away on my desktop, here, or in my drafts. (Current number of drafts 126 ) I can always go back and see where I was and how I changed. I admit the other day I was feeling like throwing everything out. I wanted to delete everything I ever wrote, and I didn’t want to write anymore. This is not new — this is a response that I have done my whole life when I feel too exposed or fearful about something. My writings have felt like something that I could control. I can destroy them at any time, or I can share them. I won’t do that not anymore, I have felt too much pain from the past few months about all of the things I threw away or destroyed in haste.

Live, learn, and be inspired.

Part of my loving the process is exposing myself to so many different thoughts and ideas. I have been very open to different views, and ways of helping myself because quite frankly what I did in the past did not work. I read numerous blogs from people with a vast spectrum of ideas. They range from ex-Christians, or Pagans to professional hooping. (My cousin hoops, I think that is the proper term. I hoop on the Wii. hee hee) I have been inspired by Atheist, Jewish, Christian, Muslim, and Agnostic mothers of autistic children. I am limiting it to recent reads, but I have been inspired by men and woman alike from all faiths, struggling with a belief of any kind, and no faith at all. My thoughts have been set on finding my own personal balance and awareness through reading about Buddhism, practicing yoga, and trying to learn how to calm my mind. I am unable to limit my mind to a certain group. I enjoy learning from all types of people, and that does help me find calm. I don’t know why it just does.

It is very difficult for me to mediate, but it seems to be very beneficial.

Whether you want to call it relaxing or meditating or I’ll just say finding some sort of quiet time. I have to work very hard at finding peace in my mind. I normally have to have a specific type of music, and lay on my bed in the dark. Or I will have to ride my bike, but I have not been able to for a while. I am currently in a cycle where I do not want to do any form of exercise and that is never good. It also doesn’t help that Daniel is refusing to go to bed unless I go to bed at the same time, so I am not getting any alone time.

Well except first thing in the morning.

It is part of the process looking for the things that work during each of my cycles. I find that a bit hard to accept though because I expect myself to be “on” all the time, but I am not. I am incredibly hard on myself and I am working on that, I guess that is part of the self-image thing. So for now as I am going through this process…a process that will be life long, I am learning to love it. I am learning new ways of thinking about myself, which helps me see others in new light as well. I am learning how to accept things much easier without trying to figure out so many of the “whys” and I am learning that sometimes it is good to stay in denial until you are ready to accept the changes that need to be made. It isn’t always the best thing to rip off the layers and stand completely exposed. One layer at a time may be much wiser.

Oh, come next month I will be taking adult ballet lessons. Yea!

It was one of my goals so I looked it up and lo and behold a studio only 15 minutes away offers them super cheap! Unbelievable. I admit I was not very hopeful about this town offering them or that the cost would be affordable. I was also apprehensive because any time I have made contact with places around here it has been an incredibly negative experience. I decided to try anyway and it turned out to be very positive. I am excited. VERY excited! However, I am still a bit cautious because I cannot think of one experience that has turned out well with these types of things around here. I am staying positive though. The reason for loving the process is to be able to look at it as a positive thing. It is good to change, and deal with problems when you are ready. It is a life long commitment if we don’t trust it or love the changes that come from it, then we will never want to take the risks we need to in order to develop into better people.

Change is good if it is progressing.

Had to share at least one more link. Lol!

How Do You Spot Negative Self-Talk?

I accepted whatever people into my life without question.

I was under the impression that if they liked me or showed some sort of interest than we were friends. I was overwhelmed with the knowledge of how wrong that type of thinking is the past few days. In my last post I shared the Proust Questionnaire, and as I went through them I realized that I have shared a lot of these things about myself on this blog. I have been quite open on here without realizing it, there is still a lot more to me. I have my various hidden interests that I do not share a lot of because…well I would get too obsessive and the whole blog would turn into a special interest blog. I cannot allow myself to do that anyway because too much of my favorites things can make me disconnect from the real world. I have to keep a nice balance.

Ok, to the point of my title.

I never really thought of me having “crushes” on people per sa. I defined it strictly under physical attraction only. I tend to find people attractive, but not think much of it. I am too busy thinking of other things like what are they thinking about??? Who cares if they look great tell me what is going inside their head! I understand the premise of a crush from other people’s terms, but for me the emotional attachment that I get toward objects, songs, words, and/or characteristics in people is an intense emotion that I only know how to describe in the word crush. In recent months David has brought to my attention the many times I say how much I like someone, such as actors, musicians, chefs, scientists, mathematicians on and on. It does not matter if they are dead or alive I am crushin’ on them. Actually, I am not “crushin’” on them I am extremely attracted to their ideas, accomplishments, lives that they led or do lead. I am intrigued by their humor, their studies of interest, their words, and the aspects of who they are.

David has pointed out however, the numerous bald men that I seem to be attracted to.

I never knew I had such a pull toward bald men, but indeed I do. Most of them are not partially bald they are completely bald…usually or at least shave for the most part. (Tidbit “bald” in German means soon or shortly.) There are certain characteristics that are distinctive with each person. I choose to profess my liking for these people because they are normally very gentle in spirit, but passionate about things, they are thinkers, care deeply about right and wrong, are humorous, but still serious about this world, and they have multiple interests. There is more, but I will limit it to that. I must add here that the reason for my expressing my likes for people is a big deal because in the past I have not been able to. I found it very difficult for some reason. In recent months I have, and it is not limited to men. There are women I adore as well who hold the same characteristics. In most people this is a natural flow. They know who they like or admire, and why without much thought.

I have to think about why I like the person, and what the “feelings” are that I have for them.

I have been in relationships with people I could not stand, but I thought something was wrong with me. I never once thought about them not being good for me or me not being good for them. I have one person who is a family friend that I do not enjoy at all. The conversations they have are shallow, and fluffy. If it is not a frivolous conversation, then they turn it into what feels like gossip to me. They have confused me and made me feel icky every time I have been in contact with them. I have chosen to stay away from them because I either cause them great stress with my constant “Why are you saying that about them?” or “Well you can’t make that judgment without knowing what they are going through.” comments. It causes me to loop for days after I have been around them, questioning if I was wrong or if they were wrong.

It doesn’t matter we are not a good fit for anything more than a “Hi” and “Bye” relationship.

I jokingly told David that I was going to write a post about the people that I have crushes on. I later thought that it actually may be beneficial. He said: “Oh, I wondered why you had Patrick Stewart pulled up on the iPad.” Ok, I admit it I used to be a Star Trek: The Next Generation fan. (I know I said in the past that I was not a fan of Star Trek, I was referring to the original.) I watched it because I thought Captain Jean-Luc Picard was awesome! I admired Patrick Stewart as an actor as well.  The actors that I tend to admire seem to be British and Shakespearean. They also tend to do a wide range of roles. I do have a thing for Kevin Spacey I talk about him a lot. I also am quite fond of David Suchet and Colin Firth. They all hold characteristics that I admire, they are deeply involved in their causes, and they are very quiet about their personal life. Not to mention all of them are funny. (Look up “Patrick Stewart on Extras” on Youtube)

I think so anyway.

I have other people like Joe Bastianich he said the best quote “I was born to manipulate grapes.” He owns wineries. You can watch him here on Jimmy Fallon. I do like Gordon Ramsey too. Hee hee I confess that many of the people that I have crushes on are blunt, direct, and passionate about what they do, and love. I also noticed that they are not mean or rude. Nick Cave would be another person that I have a great fondness for. Some of them can come across as abrasive or rude, but when you read about their lives it is rich with stories that can move you.

I have shared some of the other people that I admire in my post “The Moon is Reaching for Me”.

I am very fond of Carla Bruni, and Martha Graham as well. I am not limited to my crushes — I am having a lingering crush on Dr. David Eagleman. I am currently reading his book as well titled SUM. It is 40 stories of possible outcomes for the afterlife, all fictional and quite entertaining along with thought provoking. I got a little freaked out by some questioning if I am living in my afterlife right now?!   I wrote a story about the moon being my friend the other day, and found it quite interesting that I discovered this TEDxHouston with Dr. David Eagleman today. He uses the picture that helped inspire my story and explains very well what I was trying to express through fiction. I find it fascinating what was discovered by the Hubble deep field experiment. I had been looking at the Hubble deep field pictures for a month before I wrote the story.

Maybe I crush on stars too?

Dr. David Eagleman is a neuroscientist who specializes in the study of time perception and Synesthesia. I have been following him for over a year now. Through him I also discovered The Long Now Foundation which I find very interesting as well. I could on, but I am sure that this may not be making any sense to anyone else other than me. My point, I do not have clear distinctions between my everyday feelings. I have been confused as to how to express love, hate, indifference, sadness, etc… I feel like my brain has gathered up some of these people that I would say I have a “crush” on because I am not sure how else to describe it. It gives me clear characteristics that I look for in people, but that I have not looked for in relationships in my real life. Or I have, but somehow ended up with people completely opposite.

As I write these out I see how I have managed to seek out people like this on the internet.

I have found some wonderful friends online who I feel posses these qualities, but not in the physical. I have tried, but then felt wrong or like I was being too hard on people. Another thing I did was try to challenge people to carry more of these characteristics that I like. If they didn’t I felt like they were rejecting me somehow. I am still processing all of this. I was not being very accepting of who they were because I saw so much more in them. However, if people are satisfied with who they are and where they are at I need to accept that. I need to evaluate my ability to be able to accept that, possibly I cannot because the potential I see in them is too much for me to bear.

I may love their potential, but not them.

I know that can sound horrible, but it’s reality. If I am unable to accept someone fully it is only fair to let go and let them have relationships that will. I say that for me as well, if they cannot accept me and only love the potential of what they would like me to be, well that is not very accepting. We have to be willing to accept people as they change or do not change as long as it is not a damaging relationship. I believe this has been a large source of my social anxiety. I am filled with anxiety because I have not defined what relationships mean to me.

I have not made clear the types of people that are good for me to be around.

Relationships are much like careers in my mind — they need to be enhancing and beneficial to both parties. It is good to have similar likes or interests and use that as a common ground. Actually that is a very important detail for me, but there is no need to be exactly the same. Through our differences we bring about new thoughts and changes in our thinking. People unwilling to accept differences are not people for me. I find that to be difficult to say, but the source of my social confusion is other people making me feel like I have to chose a group to be a part of. I do not. I enjoy all types of people. I can do well socially in the right circumstances.

I do know that I have a certain physical attraction to some of these people I mentioned.

There are some that I am more drawn to because of their facial features. David mentioned that I tend to only crush on people from the neck up. However, I am attracted to the clothes/shoes/accessories they wear as well. I find Joe Bastianich’s attire quite awesome. I also admit his death stare is fabulous! If you have seen the show Master Chef you know what I am talking about.  I noticed that many of the people I have a fondness for — tend to have eccentric clothing styles, or at least collections of such styles I am not sure how to describe it. This is true for the people in my reality or  the well-known people that through the limited knowledge I have collected I know that part of them.   I liked these pictures.

Joe Bastianich, Gordon Ramsay, Chef Graham Elliot

Nick Cave my man with The Death of Bunny Munro.

Too much information, I know.

One evening he came over instead of going out and was all zealous about the news. How did I not know what was going on? My mom did (does) not allow the news to be on in her house. He turned on the news and there was the white Bronco chase. O.J. Simpson was blaring on the screen being chased. We watched the unraveling of events. He ended up staying the night, no monkey business in my mom’s house, we fell asleep. I had the Blind Melon CD in my player and didn’t realize that it was on repeat. Both of us kept waking up throughout the night and every time we did the No Rain song was on. I had the whole CD on repeat along with two other CD’s in the player, but for some reason we both continued to wake up at the same time to the No Rain song.

It took a very long time to ever listen to that song again.

We both were over it by the morning. When he contacted me years later, it was one of those funny stories that I think only we can appreciate. I like having those songs pop in on me they help me remember the good memories because there are good memories too. It also helps me remember that people change, and just because their actions may not always reflect how they feel they can still care. June 17, 1994 forever tattooed with Blind Melon and O.J. Simpson in a white Bronco. I will not even comment about the whole O.J. thing tragic and enough said about it. The song lyrics did mean a lot to me until it got “played, so played“. They still mean a lot I suppose since they make me smile. I will keep my cheeks dry today…

Because I am SO laughing at this image.

Autistics Do It Better

Just yesterday while making Daniel banana and yogurt, I voiced my complete contempt for bananas. I do not like the shape, the texture, the smell, the feel…nothing. David had comments flying around his head that he did not share thankfully, but he was laughing pretty hard. I think the “Autistics Do It Better” post is a good one to read, the taboo of sex and talking about it is a bit dated. There are so many people who feel uncomfortable about it, and there needs to more open discussions. Let me say:”safe” open discussions without judgments and condemnations. I am so thankful for writers like him stepping out and writing these things. It not only helps me prepare as a parent, but this will only make life much easier for my kids. I won’t talk about my issues with all of that, I am just happy my kids will not go through what I have.

Yes, 78% happy and 22% sad today, I do like 22.

Who would have thought writing out things while not in denial would make me feel so much better? I guess at this point you should just nod and smile, but only after you read my side note.

Side note: I didn’t realize that the in the image of “Autistics Do It Better” he has a condom on the banana, that made my banana story even funnier to me. My subconscious just played a joke on me. Please don’t get offended at bananas with condoms.

I liked a lot of different music, but heavy metal did something for me.

I believe now it caused deep pressure and was much like a hug machine for me. Even though I am not a fan of crowds I was frequently found at rock concerts. I spent a large portion of my teenage years and young adult life at rock concerts. When I became a Christian I traded my “secular” concerts for Christian music concerts. Many times the music was as much “rock” as I could get. The sounds and feel of concerts energized me. I loved watching people sing in unison at any genre of concert. There is something about people all singing together that moves me. I would normally have my eyes closed, or I would fixate on one of the band members singing or playing their instrument. But when I would hear the band stop playing and everyone would start to sing together, I would open my eyes and watch.

It is such a magical moment.

I can see waves flow from the mouths of people, the calm enter, and for a moment in time there is complete peace. It occurs with only certain types of songs, but when it does I am so happy to stand outside of myself and watch the dancing notes floats around. This band that I was talking about will be inducted in to the Rock Hall of Fame. I had every album, (except the 2008) I sat up all night listening to them many times, and I would lie in my bed and let my emotion’s work through the tunes. I did this with several other bands as well, but I am talking about this one because I just got their greatest hits off of iTunes (gift card, yea!). I have been listening to them.

I have allowed myself to listen to them.

When I stopped listening to anything except Christian/worship music I threw out their albums along with many others…tons. I threw out all of my concert shirts and ticket stubs that I had collected. I cried when I threw them all out, I felt like I was doing the right thing at the time. Maybe I was for that moment in time, but now I wish I had them all back. I never got to see this band in concert and I was sad about that, they are none other than Guns-N-Roses. I was so excited when I discovered during my still listening to them phase that my boss went to school with Axl Rose. He was not much impressed with him and told me so, but he knew my love for their music and shared whatever questions I had.

It was so ironic to me because we were both over a thousand miles away from our hometowns.

Yet, he knew the lead singer of one of my all time favorite bands. It really isn’t that ironic I guess, but we can pretend. I do not know how David and I got on the topic of music this morning, but for some reason G N’ R came up. He then disclosed his lack of enthusiasm about the band. Let me explain in a little more detail my obsession with the band, I knew every single lyric to every song even if I thought it was not that great. I could play air drums and guitar to perfection to each song, AND I had (still) Axl’s Rose’s dance down to perfection. I learned the majority of that dance first from Davie Jones of The Monkees — he does it quite well in this video of Daydream Believer. (Horrible sound quality, sorry…you can see it at around 1:26)

I connected to the band so much because it spoke my heart during that time in my life.

I read everything I could about them, and collected information about their lives. How could David not love them?? I know, I know not everyone is going to like my music. David is more on the punk rockish side, while I am more on the head banging side. Ha ha ha We do have different tastes in music for sure, but we are not limited to those genres. It is just funny to say. I bring this band up because I tried listening to them a while back and it hurt too much. I forced myself to listen to them, and write out what I was feeling. There was a lot going on in my life while I was listening to their music. It was between 1987-1993 that some of the most traumatic events happened to me, in regards to me listening to this band to sooth me. (I threw out all of my cd’s and tapes in 1999, and started replacing them with new music.). My favorite of their albums were Use Your Illusion I and Use Your Illusion II. I waited in excited anticipation for those to come out.

During that time my best friend got pregnant.

She moved in with her new boyfriend and the one time sealed at the hip pods that we were was now severed. I ended up moving in with my second boyfriend, who did not attach to me like my friend. My friend’s brother was killed in a horrible car accident, and I did not know how to process the loss of her as a friend. I lost her to her new man, and then she completely changed after her brother died. I didn’t even know how to process his death because he was my first boyfriend’s cousin, and his best friend in the whole world. He was also very mean to me, lied about me, made fun of me, got girls to go out with my ex while were together, he was just plain mean. He called me horrible names. I was overwhelmed with the sadness for them, and the conflict of my own relief that this bully in my life was gone.

I felt horrible, and like an evil person.

I didn’t understand how so many people could love him. He was not only mean to me either, there were plenty of people including his family that he was mean to. I witnessed several times his bullying or tormenting being lashed out on his sisters, mother, and various other people in the family. Apparently around the end of his young life he had changed, and started to be a lot nicer. He got back with his ex-girlfriend who was very sweet, and they got pregnant. His life was changing, and my friend even told me that he had said very nice things about me before his death. I do not know if it is true or not. I didn’t realize how much that all affected me because I am currently tearing up a little bit. I have carried guilt for my feelings toward him — I felt abandoned by my friend I have tried to not let anyone get that close to me again. I felt emotionally abandoned by my boyfriend at the time. I started cutting myself regularly at that time. (I stopped cutting around 1994 I forced myself to stop, but still had the urges.) It was a very lonely and confusing time in my life.

It is a huge triumph to be able to listen to this band without any of these triggers hurting me.

There are several favorite songs I have of theirs, but three stuck in me Don’t Cry, I held on to and trusted in the lyrics to get me through to the next morning on some nights. Civil War rang in my spirit, and still does, and November Rain because where I lived the November rain was so cold, and seemed to last a lifetime. Also, because I believed them, I felt the lyrics and believed in them. I sat many nights sending out my thoughts, fears, aches, desperate cries of isolation, and longing out into the universe to be heard. I felt somehow all of me would be caught with others in this musical connection and it made me feel not so alone.

I don’t feel those specific alone feelings anymore, even those feelings that rose recently.

I have listened to the songs, sang loud, and did my Axl Rose dance with vengeance! Woot! Maybe they will do a reunion…probably not. I can pretend, and create a whole rock concert in my living room like I used to. I haven’t even started the New Year here and already I am making some great changes in my life. I am looking forward to 2012. I know I am still working through things, but I feel stronger and stronger every day in who I am…becoming. I am also feeling able to be myself without a care. I still cannot believe David doesn’t like Guns-n-Roses, pure silliness. I’m kidding! I shouldn’t be surprised he doesn’t like a lot of my music, I always forget! I guess I have a good memory for certain things. Lol!

I bid you Happy New Year, I am leaving with a lovely song, and some clouds!!

The song is not a Guns and Roses song. It is much tamer and French!

Carla Bruni – L’Amoureuse

KHAAAAAAN!

WHEATON!

It’s five days after Christmas and we received the new Lego January 2012 Catalog.

Ordinarily I would not be so upset, but truth be told Lego has nabbed me! OMG! They have the coolest new items and I want them too. On pages 16-19 they have the most awesome dinosaur sets. Ariel wants those she loves dinosaurs. BUT on pages 22-25 be still my heart  Super Hero sets! They have Cat Woman and Wonder Woman! I love them. I am a secret fan of Batman as well, not some of the movies that have come out though. I used to be addicted to The Batman Animated series. I had to hide watching it at a certain time in my life because my boyfriend at the time would get upset with me for watching cartoons.

I still watched them when he wasn’t around which was often.

I could also later be found watching Superman: The Animated Series. I have always been a Wonder Woman and Cat Woman fan. I watched the older shows when I was a kid. I thought Batman was hilarious, I listened to the theme song album that my my mom had during particular music cycles of mine as a kid. POW! My mom loved Batman, still does. I wanted to be Wonder Woman or Cat Woman and would (still) pretend that I was. Hee hee. SO now I am longingly looking at the sets wanting to build Batman’s awesome Batcave, Batmobile, and Batwing. Plus Cat Woman’s Cat cycle rocks.

LEEEEEGGGGOOOOO!

Alright so now you know.

I am not big into comics, but I did like the shows. I have spoken briefly about Wonder Woman in past a post, but I do not think that I have confessed my cartoon favorites other than Pinky & The Brain. I went through a period of cartoon addiction because I watched my sisters after school and work, we would spend time together watching Sailor Moon, Gargoyles, Animaniacs, and various other cartoons that I cannot recall now.

I also introduced them to the Goosebumps TV Show.

It did get my youngest sister of the two into reading the books, reading is good…right? My mom was not too thrilled and I am currently blamed for my sister’s vampire, skull, and Gothic fixations.  I am afraid it is quite possibly true, I will not protest since I did convince them both that I was a real vampire. It helped my case with all of Gothic decor, and library of books about the history of vampires. Not to mention my Anne Rice collection of novels as well. Which are long gone now, too bad she would probably love to have them.

I am pretty much just writing a silly post.

I have been working through some other thoughts that have given me more clarity to the “why” questions of some past choices I made during my later teenage and young adult life. This has helped me a great deal, in being released from negative thoughts about myself. I have also been focused on going over my book. I am going to have a friend read it through so I am a bit nervous. I know that she will be honest and helpful, and I need that.

I am excited that I have followed through on it and have not given up.

I find that to be a great accomplishment. The fact that I did not self-edit to the point of giving up is a big deal. The fact that I allowed myself to write whatever I felt is huge. The fact that I am letting someone else read it, and I am not hiding it is a big deal too. I read a blog a couple weeks ago, I cannot recall where it is now, but the guy mentioned that you should write down your accomplishments. I am not usually big into things like that, but the way he worded it made it sound reasonable to me. I thought about those of us who have anxiety, and how important it is to write down our accomplishments.

Anxiety can blur so many things.

Our accomplishments can get jaded, or lost in the midst of negative thinking or feeling physically drained. Things tend to seal better in the brain when we write them out, I decided to try it and see what happens. It has been keeping me rather positive.   The hardest part of writing out accomplishments for me is that I do not know what they are usually. I tend to think that everything I do is simple, or just what everyone does so I do not see how it is an accomplishment. I am working on changing my pattern of thinking there. However, I do find building an awesome Lego set to be quite an accomplishment.

Those things are hard sometimes!

I am currently listening to Ariel and Joshua go through the Lego catalog and say what they need to get. Sigh…They just got the Lego sets they have been waiting “forever” for. I do admit it is a bit harder to say no when I want them myself. Daniel is starting to want more Lego helicopters and airplanes as well. They have some pretty cool new flying machines in the catalog also. We’ll just have to watch for sales. We are currently in no spending mode to save up for the move.

I think I’ll hide the catalog from all of us.