04/26/13

“I Was Not Raised To Say Good Morning!”

I did say something like that – it is true. It is kind of a funny story, the reason why those words came out of my mouth. It was when David and I had moved across country. We had to live with his mom and stepfather for several months. They were challenging months. One indecent that still sticks out is the day David and I were requested to have a meeting with his stepfather and mom. It was something that I will never forget because it confused me tremendously. Many social situations happened while living there and in that town that awakened me to such utter confusion that I was in a constant state of anxiety.

I had never been around such social dynamics and I was traumatized.

On a daily basis, I was confused, hurt, angry, sick, and my head was reeling nonstop trying to make sense of my surroundings. I had no family or friends and only David to rely upon. At least, I understood somewhat the traumas that I felt with my family. They were familiar and I had learned how to protect myself, maybe not in the healthiest of ways, but I could protect myself nonetheless. However, when this situation took place we had only been there a few weeks so I had not spiraled into fear, confusion, and severe anxiety yet.

Back to the story, I will try to stay focused.

There had been several days of tension in the air. I was clueless as to what was going on, but I felt it. It was causing my head to feel dizzy. I did notice that tones, body language, and words seemed different, but I had no idea why. I asked David about it and he did not pay that much attention to it. His stepfather had been in his life for around 23 years. This man violated David and his brother’s space, time, and anything else in their lives that he could. So David was in his own protection mode and knew how to ignore the man, or finds ways to make himself feel better.

The minute I met the man I did not feel comfortable around him.

The only way I could describe at the time was he seemed very negative and grumpy. When he walked into the room, it seemed to zap out all the life in each person. Nothing made him happy, but me being the hopeful naive person I am, I thought we just needed to try harder. I thought maybe David was too negative and possibly God was trying to show us how to be more compassionate. Well, there are times when I just lose all compassion toward a person, especially when I have tried very hard and they accuse me of being disrespectful.

OR rude!

Keep in mind that David and I were in our early thirties when this took place. We were finally able to set a time to meet. It was in the evening, we sat in the living room. I did not know what to expect. I felt like a teenager who was about to be grounded or something, but I had no idea what I had done wrong. I had gone over everything in my head trying to figure out what this was all about. Then conversation started with the stepfather voicing his frustrations at us and feeling as though we were disrespecting him.

I was confused.

Now they told us that we were welcome into their home to stay as long as we needed. As far as I knew, it was rent-free until we were able to get our own place. David and I were still unable to find work, we had only been there a few weeks, and in the midst of that, we had gotten married.

I did not understand what this man was talking about.

Much of it is a blur to me now because I became so angry and confused that the words were jumbled. It came down to this, the stepfather said; he was upset because we did not say, “Good morning” to him every morning. WHAT??? I sat there staring at him in disbelief. He proceeded to share every bit of grievance he had about us not acknowledging him if he came into the room, and being disrespectful by coming and going when we pleased.

David was angry.

I was stumped. He continued with his banter about not saying good morning and I told him, “I was not raised that way.” He shook his head at me and said, “I do not believe you Angel, I saw you with your family when they were here.”These words shot out of my mouth, “That was my dad and step mom! I did not grow up with them. Besides it has taken years for me to even be like that with them.”

I went into HOW I was raised.

I grew up with my mom and in that house you did (do) not talk until after she has her morning tea. There was never a good morning. I was not allowed to say that or ask questions, or request breakfast until my mom had her first cup of tea and cigarette. (I was making my own breakfast by around age 6 or 7, probably earlier but I cannot remember clearly.) What he saw with my dad was years of weekend visits. In my home, you were lucky to get a grunt if you walked into the room. I was constantly told to be quiet, settle down, and stop asking questions. I was told things such as, “I don’t know, I am tired, stop asking me questions, leave mommy alone.” I was not allowed to speak to my mom when she came home from work. I had to give her at least 10 minutes before I bothered her with anything.

My mom was not trying to be mean; she needed that time to process.

She requires uninterrupted time alone to wake up in the morning to adjust to her day. If her routine is interrupted, her entire day is ruined. When she gets home from anywhere, she needs time to adjust. She has to change her clothes; many times, she needs some food, and then, her tea. After that, she is able to function socially. Also in my house, “please and thank you” were not that big of a deal. Other things took precedence.

It wasn’t that I was raised to be rude, but we did not spend our time saying such things.

It was that those words had real meaning to them; they were earned so to speak. My mom did not force me to say them. We said them to each other when we meant them or thought of it. I do think that both of us would have benefited if we had said those types of things to each other more often. We had too many other things on our mind than to think about things like that. It is a little difficult for me to explain.

That is how I was raised.

Not to mention by the time the “stepfather” incident happened, I had been living on my own since I was 18 years-old for the most part. (I had to move back home a few times, but about 6 months was the longest stretch.) I had my own routines. I had lived alone for most of that time, but when I met David, I had been alone for something like a year and half I believe. I could not believe the behavior of a grown man getting upset at such foolishness. However, when I thought about this situation I recalled how many other people have gotten offended at me for not saying good morning.

They have gotten offended at me not addressing their presence.

If I am busily working, I may look up at you, but it is as my mouth is sealed shut. I have no words. My mind is too busy processing other things. If it is first thing in the morning, it is raging with all sorts of thoughts from trying to discern the dream I had to wondering if I can recall some famous event that happened on that day years ago. It could be anything. I could be wondering if squirrels are fidgety or just anxious. I could try to figure out a more efficient way to clean the litter box.

Anything and multiple things are soaring through my brain.

AND let us go ahead and add how I could be freaking out on the inside because I smell someone’s cologne or food on the other side of the room! I could be so focused on not yelling, “What is that god awful smell?” that I just cannot stop all that I am doing and say something to you first. I can usually say it back if someone says it first, I most likely will not say good morning though.

I WILL NOT say that if it is not a “good” morning.

I will say, hi, morning, or give a head nod. I do not get offended if someone does not say it to me. At some point, in the day they will speak to me I am fine with that. Of course, my way of thinking does not work for passive-aggressive types. Their tactics of silent treatment do not work on me. I only assume that they do not feel like talking because when I do not feel like talking I do not talk.

I am not giving the silent treatment.

The point of my story is that I was perceived as rude and disrespectful and I had no idea that the person felt that way. The way that I was raised, it was rude and disrespectful if I did talk before someone else spoke to me. I could not understand his anger or hurt by the situation. All though, the man had other serious issues. He even went after David after he had excused me because of my up-bringing.

He told him, “You know better.”

As if, David was supposed to have made me aware, or something. Um, we were in our thirties! David had been in graduate school for seven years prior, I had been in the workforce since I was 16 years-old, both of us had been married and divorced, AND we lived on our own for years. None of that mattered because he could only see from his perspective, which was distorted by offense. Truth be told, I was offend too because of his offense. People seem to forget about where others are coming from when they are clouded by offense, myself included. I was not raised that way, I was deeply offended at what I felt was childish and ridiculous, but I also tried my best to do small things to help this man feel respected.

He did let us stay in his home, even if David’s mom may have been the driving force behind that.

I still felt that he should be respected and that I would try. I do not think it much mattered though, he is just one of those people that no matter how much you try it is never enough. I will say, it was awkward and a challenge for me to remember to say “good morning.” It still is, it is a challenge for me to remember to say say thank you or other ”polite” things. Not because I do not feel them, quite honestly, the words seem to have lost their weight to me. Any person can say words flippantly and without true purpose – I like to show my appreciation through actions.

It feels more comfortable to me to do something in return for someone than, to only say words. (AND I will not say them unless I mean them.)

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04/23/13

Are You Calling Me & Other Autistics Sociopaths? (Think About It)

I am going there. I want people to think about what they are saying when they say that Autistics “lack empathy.” I have been over this on my blog, and I have shared a several posts revealing how my son Daniel, who is Autistic, shows and expresses empathy along with myself. Autism and Empathy: Dispelling Myths and Breaking Stereotypes , which Rachel Cohen-Rottenberg Editor and Publisher created, is an entire website featuring many posts and articles sharing truths about Autism and empathy. If you are still under the premise that we as Autistics “lack empathy”, I would suggest going to her website to get a more accurate view.

I want to make a strong impression here because I believe we have enough information now to change the perspective.

However, many still believe that we are unable to feel or express empathy. I blame this on the plethora of literature and media that continue to speak about us, without us. In my opinion, I also feel that society tries to blanket emotions as a whole and generalize them into easy compartments that are only defined by what the “group” is thinking for the moment. Interestingly, some people fail to consider how complex emotions are to each individual. Speaking for myself, I find my emotions too difficult to articulate many times because of the complexity that I feel. I work through them in my creative writings because I am unable to discern immediately what emotions belong to me, and what emotions belong to others.

I can pick up the emotions of others without realizing what I am doing.

It has been confusing for the majority of my life. I become greatly affected by events in people’s life or in media. Much of what Eileen Parker wrote in her post Autism, Empathy and Boston is how I felt. I have managed to express my emotions in the most simplistic of terms much of the time. Happy or sad are pretty much my staple expressions of emotions. Last night my friend Lori shared a wonderful post that helped me understand myself in this area a great deal. Go have a read Accepting Emotional Regulation. I have read a few things now that say in order to have empathy for others it is dependent upon understanding your own feelings.

I understand my feelings very much, it is when others get in the mix that I can become confused.

Here is where I am confused now, how can people not understand the negative associations and misinterpretations about Autistics when they claim these things? When will these negative terms start to dismantle and be edited into better terms and understanding in the books and society? Based upon the history of human existence I feel that it will be longer than, we hope.

However, I DO have hope.

I am relying on the numerous Autistic voices stepping up and sharing how they really think, along with our advocates sharing their perspectives. Still, we have a lot of work to do. Today I am sharing what I feel. I want to express clearly, what it means to me when I hear or read about Autistics lacking empathy. It has been burning in my brain for years. For a while, I believed it. I was so terrified that I was a narcissist that I researched what narcissism was just to be clear.

I did a three part series on the difference between narcissists and Aspergers.

Aspergers – Narcissism: NOT The Same I

Aspergers – Narcissism: NOT The Same II

Aspergers – Narcissism: NOT The Same III

The more I researched the more I believed that Autistics do not fall under the criteria of lacking empathy.

Something that rang through my brain was how everyday people, who are supposed to have the ability to empathize, are the same people who bully. Bullying is a Group Phenomenon − What Does It Mean And Why Does It Matter? The thoughts flooded my brain about instances when I witnessed someone being bullied and I stepped in to stop it while others stood and watched. I felt what that person was feeling and I could not sit back and let it happen. I have done this in school, at church, and at the workplace. Yes, adults bully and they do it at work.

Is this different from empathy in some way?

I think the definition of empathy is loose and left up to each individual. However, when a person with a degree or medical background claims that they have dibs and somehow work it into our societal jargon we are left with their interpretation. It offends me. It hurts me. It annoys me. Mostly, it has been detrimental to my self-esteem. Even if one says, that they did not mean to imply that Autistics are narcissistic or sociopaths the fact of the matter is that being defined as lacking empathy falls under the criteria of narcissism, antisocial personality disorder, as well as psychopaths. These are associated with symptoms of lacking empathy, Autism has been lumped into to that on several resources that I read. They are claiming that we lack the ability to feel another person’s emotions or understand from their perspective, or care?

This has been based upon how we react in situations or what we say?

For instance, instead of emotionally responding instantaneously we start to ask questions that seem inappropriate or we shutdown completely, this is considered showing lack of empathy. For me I may ask questions in order to understand the situation better because in my mind I automatically want to understand and create long lasting helps. I do not do quick fixes. If you are hurt, I want to know the what’s and the why’s to first insure that I was not the cause. If you are excited, I want to know all the details and I mean every detail. Many people just expect you to respond toward them in the way that they would respond.

I do this too.

I still struggle with thinking that people would or should react with empathy toward me the way I expect. That is why I have continued to be baffled at people in general. They will claim that we lack empathy, but they do not try to empathize with our emotions or situations. We are required to be bombarded in sensory assaulting environments and then, if we have a meltdown, shutdown, are cranky, lose our words, or stare blankly we are ruining the fun? If our favorite object breaks or our schedule is suddenly changed, we are supposed to be able to “get a new one” or “get over it” because “it is not that big of a deal.”

Well, those things are a big deal to me and to my son.

To be quite blunt about it by definition, I feel that those who continue to claim that we lack empathy are operating in the very thing I am being accused of.

Let us take a look here.

“Empathy is the capacity to recognize emotions that are being experienced by another sentient or fictional being. One may need to have a certain amount of empathy before being able to experience accurate sympathy or compassion.” ~ Wiki

Simple enough, huh?

I would like people not to be offended at my words, but once again, to be quite blunt, we Autistics are still being labeled and falsely perceived as lacking empathy. My purpose here is to ask you to stop and think just for a moment. Do you truly understand the meaning of empathy? It is a broad definition based upon your perceptions and wants. How you want to be understood is how you expect others to show you empathy. We all need to take a step back and reconsider our expectations. The generalized conceptions about empathy limits us and does not allow room for growth, self or in our society.

Currently, the generalized attitude seems to be that anyone who lacks empathy lacks emotion, feeling, or the ability to care for others.

That attitude would assume that I am a narcissistic, unfeeling, uncaring droid if I were to tell anyone that I am an Aspergers adult. These words shine such a negative light that it puts me on the defense at times. Why? Because it hurts, makes me anxious and fearful. It makes me feel as though I need to defend the way I think and how I process. It makes me feel isolated and misunderstood. It makes me question my actions and constantly try to evaluate what and how I perceive my world. It makes me worry about how people will respond to my son. I have had a lifetime of being told how wrong I am and people telling me how my actions and words are wrong. I have had to filter through all of that and learn to accept myself.

I have had to wade through all the negative associations toward Autism for my son and myself.

What I do not understand is why people are so quick to assume the negatives about autism. Why are so many people unwilling to use positive lingo instead of painting all of us as dismal way of being. I do not run from the fact that there are great challenges. I live them daily with my son and myself. Some days it is extremely difficult, but I ask how can it get any better when we have to face a world that looks at us with negative eyes. Does the world truly think that we are sociopaths? Do people really believe that we are like robots without emotions? Are we such difficult creatures that we have to be explained in terms as being broken? Is the way we process our world so incredibly awful that all energies must be projected into finding ways to make us more like the general public?

News flash, the general public is hurting.

There are people suffering from all sorts of physical, mental, and emotional issues. Many have no one to empathize with them about their disability, their depression, their anxiety, their fears, their “disorders,” or hurts. There is no one stepping up and saying, “I feel you, let me help.” Many of them are like me, reaching out through the internet because no-one-else in their life understands. These souls reaching out to find others who know what the hell they are feeling and talking about.

Think about it.

If you are reading this, have you stepped into my shoes for a moment? We are being told repeatedly that we need to understand how your world works. It is being demanded that we learn your system that is foreign and difficult for us to understand. We are being requested to change the way we think, respond, and express. BUT people fail to see how hard we have been trying to do just that. We have tried to fit in, belong, understand, be accepted, study and figure out this system of humanity that makes us feel like aliens on our own planet.

There are many reasons why an Autistic person reacts in the way that they do.

Maybe the next time you feel as though the Autistic person is showing a lack of empathy, how about you step back for a moment and ask them directly and clearly, what they are doing. Do not ask broad generalized questions, or tell them that they do not understand. Ask them point-blank “What are you thinking in this moment?” However, if you do be prepared for the possibilities of the most foreign thought you could think of, but know that whatever they are thinking could be a great riddle to solve. It could lead to a grand answer of them expressing such empathy that you would never have imagined. It could happen. You could be hammered with a bunch of questions that could lead to surprising helps that you never would have considered.

You could end up with silence and them walking away.

And the next day their favorite stuffed animal or pair of headphones on your desk. You just never know what exciting empathetic gifts could be given to you. I will share several links to my posts in regards to how Daniel has expressed empathy. I will also, share one trying to express how I do by asking questions. I am going to share several other posts from others as well. I hope that I make sense in this post. It is coming from a slight offense, even though I tried not to be negative. I still, do have my opinion and feelings about this. I respect everyone’s journey and their times that they need to vent. I do not judge condemn, or speak ill of them. I work through my own emotional response and trust in the process of everyone’s journey.

However, I think people need to start critically thinking about what they are saying to an entire population that has been ignored far too long.

Positives About My Autistic Son

“I Do Not Understand”

Come On! Enough With The “Lacking Empathy”

“What Is The Cat Feeling?”

My Autistic Son Comforted Me Today

Daniel, Me & Empathy

Things that I read.

How I Experience Empathy

Autism, empathy, and violence: One of these things doesn’t belong here

Empathy, Mindblindness, and Theory of Mind (Sharing this one again!)

A Radical New Autism Theory (Radical??)

How to Test Your Empathy

It’s Hard to Live with Someone Who Lacks Empathy

Empathy

10 things not to say to someone with Asperger’s

How to Relate to Someone who Has Asperger’s Syndrome

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04/18/13

Family (Dys)Functions

A couple of weeks ago, some of my family threw me a birthday party. Many things went well and I did have a great time. There are certain things that my family thinks is funny to do. One is doing things like getting me a princess crown for my birthday and making me wear it. They know how much I do not like crowns or girly type of things like, PINK anything! Lol!

Or lots of hugging!

I do admit, that I have felt more comfortable hugging them in the last month due to changes in them and me. In the past, I was unsure if they were being mean, joking, or just plain insensitive. I now understand that many things that are done are simply because it has always been done. My dad’s side of the family grew up picking on each other and tormenting each other. They bullied each other. (There is a LONG history that goes into the why’s.)

They played tricks and spoke things that apparently some siblings do.

My mom grew up being picked on and tormented by her father’s family. My grandfather was sometimes the cruelest man I ever laid eyes on then, in the next moment he could be sweet as honey. I was confused by the mocking and picking on from both sides my entire life. It makes me sick to witness such things; it was detrimental to my mental state when I was the focus of mockery. I soaked in every word believing them to be true. My confusion would heighten when I would address it, and ask why they would say or do such mean things.

I was told it was “a joke.”

Why wouldn’t I think it was funny if a family member made fun of the way I ate, or laughed? Why didn’t I find it amusing if they made fun of the clothes I wore, what color my hair was, if I did not understand a joke and asked what they meant? Why wouldn’t I laugh it off if they called me a “spaz” or “dingy.” Why would I get my feelings hurt and feel horrible about myself when I was around them? I understood recently, that these things were not about me. I also, took note that on both sides of my family they did not do it to me as much as they did it to one another. I noticed that they made fun of all of their own quirks, sensory issues, obsessions, etc… as well.

The difference that I understood about myself was that I did not do that.

Throughout my life, I did not mock my oddities or myself until someone else started mocking me, or mocked their own that were similar to mine. I believe I have shared some this before. I did not tear apart my appearance until someone else started doing it to theirs, or nit-picked at my appearance. I did not feel badly about myself until someone made me feel as though I should. I did not see myself as being “wrong” or “flawed” until others implied it through their jokes and mockery, of either themselves or me. Once the self-deprecation and negative self-talk would start out of others mouths, I began to mirror. My mom did this constantly, she has gotten much better at stopping, but I grew up with it. After years of this, from my mom onto virtually every family member, I took on the script of self-deprecation.

I already had this realization a while ago.

However, what I am writing about now is how this no longer affects me in the way that it used. I understand that I mirrored that behavior in order to protect myself. I did it with my classmates, friends, significant others, co-workers, and family. I did it first so that they could not do it to me. This was learned. I watched my family become hurt or upset at the words or actions that other family members inflicted. I also, observed that their defense was to counter attack with another “joke” or “put down in a loving way” (sometimes not so loving) toward the person who started it. There were many innuendos and slides that I did not understand.

I did not catch many that were directed toward me.

I was either oblivious (still am) or it confused me so much that I would shutdown. None of this would catch up with me until hours sometimes days later. I understand that this family dynamic is most likely never going to change. The digs and jokes are their way of showing affection as well as indirectly speaking unpleasantries to each other. I have learned that many people communicate like that – I still do not get it. My mom and sisters do this with each other too. I find it all odd because it hurts me when these things are said or done. As I was thinking about this more, I realized that lately my family has been doing this even lesser than before.

I am grateful.

I think that the reason is that I have been so vocal about my confusion with these things and that I shared with them how I no longer had any idea if any of them loved me. That was the truth. I felt so unlovable and so broken that the thought of anyone loving me seemed impossible. I was also, so confused by the social dynamics in my family that I could not filter through their words or actions properly. They have stepped up and have tried to keep reminding me that I am loved and that I matter.

I hate the fact that I need this validation because it makes me feel weak.

That is a whole other issue, about me wanting to be independent and never needing or wanting anyone. I have observed in my family that only the weakest links share their emotions or express their need for validation. It is indirect and eluded to, but it is there. Several things have helped me to let some of that fear go. The changes that my family has made has helped, my uncle sharing with me on a facebook comment that he was diagnosed with depression and got help, and me remembering that I do not think that my quirks, oddities, or the way that I think is wrong.

I do not feel wrong.

I cannot change a person’s perspective about how I respond to things. I cannot change how people think about me as a person. I cannot change how people perceive my “Autismness.” What I can do is be honest and share what hurts me. I can tell people that I am not broken, I am considered disabled, and I do have many challenges, but I also have many strengths. This TED video Aimee Mullins: The opportunity of adversity, I have watched several times now to help me process the word “disabled” and society’s perceptions.

I find myself in a limbo type state of understanding my own disabilities, but not feeling disabled. (That I am still pondering.)

I have had to go through a process of self-acceptance, especially with discovering that I am Autistic. I am still unable to share with many family members because I do not feel that they will be able to accept it. It is not because they do not love me, but because it is a hard to grasp. It is difficult to process that the person you have perceived one way your entire life is not that way at all.

They are not thinking like you in the slightest.

The way they interpret the world is so vastly different that you are unable to comprehend it in the least bit. There are also the revelations of all the times you have hurt them or damaged their psyche without even knowing it. I would think that those who care for you would be heartbroken if they discovered that their actions and words contributed to PTSD. I have gone through my revelations of how my actions and words have been misinterpreted causing pain to my family.

Granted all I can do is move forward and little by little explain how I think and why I do the things, I do.

That opportunity would never have opened up had I not shared the severe pain and isolation I was feeling. I took a chance because I had reached the point of despair. I no longer had anything to lose. I knew that I had to reach out and if I was rejected then, I knew! It was a choice of moving on without them or moving forward with them. I am thankful that my family is trying and they are accepting me where I am, but I am in control of what and when I share. I am determining what is healthy to share for me not because of them. (I hope that makes sense.)

I may be able to share that I am Autistic one day with them.

However, I realize that my attitude before was too abrasive and demanding. I expected them to change immediately with my sudden changes. I went through many stages of feeling hurt and rejected by the ways they have responded toward Daniel. When I finally, accepted and understood I expected them to do the same. People do not work like that. They do not accept differences and changes instantaneously. They do not change their wording from “wrong” to “right” in a day. They will not see “disabilities” in a positive way the second someone says, “Society needs to change.”

Changing minds and perspectives is a gradual movement.

It happens little by little, those who change their mind rapidly normally have not built a strong foundation for their own thoughts. They usually sway with whatever the new perspective is in the moment. Whatever facebook or Twitter is telling them today is what they believe and fight for. In the last month, what I have noticed in the home front is my family being more open to listen about Daniel. They have been more accepting of his behaviors and interacting with him more comfortably. They have not been looking at him in the distance, but they have not been pressuring him to interact either.

All of this has made me feel more comfortable and not on the defense.

I have dropped my expectations of wanting my family to accept that I am Autistic. I feel as though since, my defenses have gone down they have become more accepting of him. Is it my perceptions changing or theirs? I think it is a little of both. My thoughts about all of this has given me even more reason to believe that the way we can change the perceptions of Autism is to find the bridges to communicate.

It requires breaking down defenses and being open-minded.

It is hard to find that balance. It is hard for me not to get offended when I hear negative words used to describe Autism. It is hard for me to try to be compassionate toward people who speak about Autistics as though we are broken, wrong, and/or disabled. It is hard to keep a positive image of myself when these things are said about me and generalized over Autistics. It is reality, people still feel that way because we live in a word that needs labels, distinctions, “us vs. them,” normal and not normal even though neither can be accurately defined.

I still see a world that requires a wrong or right.

Until we can all accept the gray areas, it will always be here. All we can do is impact as much as we can in our space on earth allotted to us and be satisfied that we have done our part. I am slowly changing the dysfunctions that were ingrained into me growing up. I am picking them out piece-by-piece and making dramatic changes in myself.

I no longer fear going to family events.

I no longer feel the need to push understanding on them. I no longer feel afraid that I will fall into mirroring self-destructive behaviors when being around them. I no longer fear that they will hurt me. I see with clarity that all of my fears and defenses caused me more harm than, they did.

I know who I am in this moment. (I will reach some other level of me later, I presume. )

I am accepting myself more each day. Their support and validation has helped a great deal, but I could not have gotten to this place without doing the work in myself first. Families all have their dysfunctions, but they do not have to control or define who we are. Something that I have learned in a new light is that I CAN create my own healing even in the midst of dysfunction. I did not think that was possible before, I thought I needed to escape or isolate, but I do not.

I have the strength to change even when others around me may not be.

It is not always easy; there are some people who have to be distanced or even cut out of your life. That decision has to be based on how toxic they are to you and your mental state. There is nothing wrong with getting away from toxic relationships. However, if their most damning of torture is to make you wear a princess crown on your birthday, I think they can stick around.

Some pictures of the event.

[Show as slideshow]

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04/14/13

Whirlwind Week

This entire month has been full of activity. The kids and I have been doing all sorts of things in addition to doing our regular school schedule. I have been trying to get them ahead of schedule because my mom is supposed to come the third week of May. I think that is when, I will have to double check. Their last day of school is May 23rd and I would like them to be finished as soon as possible. Ariel and Joshua are almost down to only language arts and math lessons, but Daniel is a little further behind on his assignments.

In the last two months, I have seen huge progression with Daniel and Joshua in their reading.

They have been working so hard, but I am concerned with the Dibels readings coming up. I did manage to get their teachers to allow us to print off their monitoring reading stories ahead of time so they would not be on the computer screen. It is too difficult for them to read on there and being timed makes them nervous. Both of them need the paper lying flat and words covered so they do not get overwhelmed with all of the sentences, they can look like masses of letter blobs to them if they are not covered.

All three of the kids have improved a great deal in their handwriting.

We have been working on it and I have tried to make it as fun and positive as possible. It wears them out though. I have to keep it light on the lessons if I am going to have them do writing assignments on that day. No, practice does not make perfect. We cannot do it every day because it is too much for them to process.

They will become overwhelmed and it will turn into a negative.

I was so excited for Ariel because she practiced on her own with cursive. She has started reading in cursive too. It has boosted her confidence with writing because she thinks it is easier. I was so happy that Daniel actually wrote in cursive for me too. He did have to turn in one of his writing assignments in cursive. I was so proud and excited, until I saw that the teacher gave him a 5 out of 10.

I am not sure how I feel about that.

However, I do not want to dwell on that right now because this post is all about the great things that are happening. Our week actually started on Saturday the 6th, (with continued activity since then) when we went to my aunt’s for my birthday party, on Sunday I think we stayed home. Then, on Monday, Ariel and I went to the YMCA. I wrote what happened on Monday about the bully situation, but the awesome news is that Ariel recovered well and wanted to go with me on Thursday night. She went right into the children’s center with no problems and had a great time. I had a great time Piloxing … except I ate yogurt earlier that day and that was not a good idea. My belly felt awful afterwards. I do not do well with yogurt anyway; I have no idea why I decided to eat it that day. :-/

I forgot on Wednesday that I took the kids to play Putt Putt (mini-golf) after school.

A cool whirlwind image!

During our school breaks, I made phone calls – one for music therapy and another to set up dentist appointments for the kids. I will set mine soon. Yippie! I can’t wait to see what all needs to be done in there. I still have two of my baby teeth; one of them seems to have a cyst of some sort above it. I may have to go to an orthodontist for that. I really do not care I just want my teeth cleaned and my one cavity taken care of before I panic again that I have a cavity at all! Yes, it is my first and only cavity. I am a little freaky about my teeth. Oh, and yes! I made phone calls and had no anxiety issues!

I am getting over my phone anxiety, a little bit.

I still have my moment’s right before I call and right after I get off the phone, but other than that, I am doing really well. I forgot I had to talk to Joshua’s teacher on Wednesday too. On Friday, I had to talk to Ariel and Daniel’s teacher about placement for next year. Ariel will be going into all gifted classes. She wanted to hold off on talking about Daniel until she spoke with his special ed teacher. I had to talk to her on Friday too. I know she was getting a feel for where I was at with placement for him. That is another post all together, but I did make it clear that I was gearing toward him moving on to third grade. We are supposed to have a meeting with all of his therapists, teachers, and another woman whose title I cannot recall at the moment.

I will worry about that later.

On Friday, I dropped the kids off at grandma’s house for about an hour and half to give me a little break before we went to the Autism Awareness event. Then! Saturday I took Ariel and Joshua to their gymnastics class and Daniel and I went swimming. (At YMCA again.) AND Daniel actually put on a life jacket for me. He has refused and refused for years. The last time he wore one he was four years-old and we went to the beach. I took him to the deep end and he was latched onto to me for the first few minutes. I pulled him off and held him by his hands, until he was finally comfortable enough to let go.

He swam in the deep end by himself!

I told him how proud I was of him and he was proud too. He said, “I am doing it! I am swimming in the deep part all by myself. I am floating though.” Lol! This is such a great thing. He has been afraid of the deep end for a long time. I am just so pleased with all of the things we have been doing lately. I am also so proud of all that the kids have been accomplishing. Daniel has amazed me with his willingness to try new things. It has also been so wonderful that he has been enjoying himself so much more when we do things. He wants to go places and do new things. That is much different than, almost a year ago when we moved here and he refused to get into the car for months.

His attitude about school has changed as well.

His teachers and therapists said that he seems like a new kid. He is happy most of the time. He is willing to read or participate much more than before and if he does not want to he is able to communicate that. YAY! Now it is not all fun and awesomeness. There are moments that are not fun at all. Today happened to be an ALL day not-so-fun day, but being that we did so much this week I was ready and expecting it. I have been kind of cranky all day and so have the kids.

The day did not go as planned and we are socially and physically tired.

The kids and I did work on the yard for a couple of hours yesterday too. (They helped a little, it was more like they played while I worked. ) That is a lot for all of us. This coming week is full too, not as much as this week. I think we will take more breaks this past week. Still I am so happy about all that we have done, it feels good to be able to go out and enjoy ourselves even if it feels like a whirlwind!

My post may sound like a whirlwind, but it has been one of those kinds of days – my brain is frazzled!

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04/9/13

Peace? (& Ramblings I suppose …)

(I wrote this yesterday, but I did not get a chance to read it over until today. It is not real time! Aaa! I have no idea why I have to share that, I just do. )

I could go into so many directions with this post, even as I write I am not exactly sure where I am going. Today is a very odd “vibe” feeling kind of day. I feel good, in a way I guess I could describe it happy, but I do not feel emotions the way others describe them so I suppose it is an Angel Happy. It is a much better feeling than, months ago when I was only able to feel happy-sad at the same time. I have managed to separate the two in some way. However, I do feel on the verge of anxiety and a bit of sadness, but I think the anxiety is triggering the sadness.

The morning started really great.

I then, had an interaction with David that was not bad or anything but, it is something that happens quite often. He speaks as if he knows information on a topic that I know full well he does not because I have researched and know more about the accurate data than, he. When I say anything, he gets frustrated and I get frustrated because he adds information into the mix that I never said and I have no idea where it comes from.

It really was no big deal, but my mind could not let it go.

I knew that it was nothing to make an issue out of, but it is something that has personally happened to me AND I have researched it. The topic was stalking. Many people are unaware of the issues of stalking or the dangers. I did not understand that my own experience with having a stalker contributed to my PTSD symptoms.

I did not even realize I was being stalked!

I knew that the behaviors of the individual were freaky and made me scared, on edge, paranoid, and angry, but I did not understand that I was being stalked. An ex-boyfriend stalked me for several years and later his unstable girlfriend turned into wife, who thought I “wanted her man”, stalked me. I think she understood after I looked her into the face and said, “I don’t want anything to do with him and you shouldn’t either. He is a liar, abuser, and womanizer who will never stop.” She stayed with him; I have no idea what has happened since then. (It was around 1997, I believe.)

I feel it is an important issue so I will link to several other resources about stalking below.

And because I have had such a hard time letting it go (from my conversation with David) here are some statistics. I will also address that April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month, as well as Parkinson’s Awareness Month. (I am linking to a blog friend of mine who is an amazing artist and is diagnosed with PD.) The theme for Sexual Assault Awareness Month campaign is “It’s time to talk about it.” (Talk early, talk often. Prevent Sexual Violence.) I am not ready to talk about things openly. I will when I am ready, but it may not be through this blog. I do not know and I do not have to know. Oops, I may have deviated into another chunk of thought…

Wait, if you would like to be caught up on all the awareness that goes on each month go here List of commemorative months.

I am mind jumping back to my earlier conversation. After the interaction, I felt a bit; scratchy is the best I can describe. I felt off and in my mind, I had to say several things to finally be able to move on. Such as, “You are aware that I never said, 1 in 5. Those words never came out of me. You do know that right?” He just looked at me and laughed and said, “You are still stuck on that.” I have a sneaky suspicion that he knew I would be stuck. :-/ Anyway, I moved on from that and knew that it was not that big of deal. Then, I went to Facebook still feeling chipper, but a little off.

I started to feel VERY off.

I can see a clear pattern in myself when I go onto facebook when feeling shaky and on the verge of anxiety. I start to notice things that may or may not be true and even if they are WHO CARES! Why, does it bother me? It doesn’t unless I am feeling off. I do not even notice it until I am feeling off. I have been incredibly social; I just had a great time with my family (which I plan to write about later) on Saturday. I had a great spring break with the kids. I completed my fourth poetry book, which is a huge goal I had, I accomplished many goals I set out to on a personal level and for my kids, AND I cleaned the house yesterday.

I think my mind may have a lot to process.

I went blank when I read a question that was asked by Sam Craft at Everyday Aspergers, “When are you most at peace?” I went blank. I looked outside at my yard and thought, “I never feel at peace.” I feel still and like now calm, focused, positive, optimistic, goal-orientated, but I do not feel peace. What does peace even feel like? I do not know. However, as I read some of the comments that people shared it occurred to me I feel somewhat of what they describe when I write. When I write poetry, stories, or even now. I feel complete, calm, whole, and right, it feels like fluidity and natural within my body. I also feel that way at certain times when dancing or exercising, but mostly when I write.

I have found my peace, and I can feel my anxieties slowly passing as I type.

I was not feeling that when I sat here to type out whatever felt like flowing out of my fingertips. I guess, that is why I sat to write. I am on a positive stretch and I want to stay there. I do not want to be consumed with needless anxiety. I do not want to lose the mind balance that I have been able to maintain for the last few weeks.

The kids and I are having some really great days.

I do not want to let some slight misunderstanding or my perceived actions of others on social media to disrupt that. It has been a rough several years, it has been a very challenging couple of years, things are starting to look brighter, and I want to remember that. Anxiety can distort the mind in so many ways, depression does as well, and negative thinking can be anchor into both of them.

I feel like a buoy surrounded by clear water for the first time in a long and I do not want to stop be-popping soaking in the sun!

I know that the links that I am sharing do not have a jolly type of theme, but it needs to be talked about. I find joy in the fact that I am a survivor. I am alive and I am not bound by fears from my abusers or stalkers. Does it stir up fears, you betcha! But they do not bind me and I feel great success in how much I have overcome. I feel very positive, hopeful with my continued progress, and healing. I find comfort and hope in other survivors and their stories when I am not so fragile to be able to read them. If you are in a healthy place and able to share your story, please do. You can help countless faceless people like me!

Here, here to strength, endurance, positivity, and the survivors from all sorts of tragedy who share their stories!

I do not feel so sad now, but I did realize that some of that sad feeling was triggered by the realization that I felt that the conversation this morning reflected that many people do not think about stalking, abuse, bullying, Autism disabilities, neurological disorders, mental illness, cancer, disease, etc … and so on. They assume they know the facts and when they encounter someone who not only has lived it, but has also done the “homework” they still do not listen.

This really had nothing to do with David and our conversation.

It had to do with the fact that people assume a lot of things until it happens to them and then, they realize how much misinformation they have been fed by media and people in their circles. We all have to filter through voices, influences, our faulty beliefs, and seek what is true and what is not. We have to be critical thinkers for ourselves and be compassionate human beings in the process. Well, I will try anyway.

Links in no particular order.

Stalking

Stalking Resource Center

Stalking Awareness

Help for Victims

RAINN

Child Sexual Abuse Prevention Information Packet

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04/8/13

Bullies, Urg!

I am quite tired, but I could not sleep until I wrote this so if there are grammatical errors or major issues just ignore them please. Rest assured I will reread this again tomorrow.

I have to write this out so I can stop looping about it. Tonight Ariel encountered her first experience with a bully. I had no idea when I went to get her after my spin (cycle) class. She was happily playing basketball with a little boy when I went to get her. She hopped over to me and was all smiles. I felt something off, but figured it was just me because I have had an off kind of feeling all day. As we walked down the hall and I asked her, my usual questions about how everything went, who she met, what she did, she told me that a girl “a’chooed” in her hair.

I did not hear that, I heard “A girl chewed on my hair.”

I looked at her confused and asked why she did that. The visual in my head threw me and I wondered why on earth would someone chew on another person’s hair? She said that she did not know. By the time, we got out the doors Ariel was almost in tears. I stopped and sat down with her on the bench and asked her exactly what had happened. She told me that the girl sneezed in her hair on purpose and then, chased her and would not stop. I asked her if she told her to stop and she had. I asked her if she ran in and told the assistants and she said that she had not. I then, asked her why. She could not really give any words, but I knew the feeling being I have been bullied plenty in my lifetime.

I asked her if the girl was still in there, she said no she left.

I asked her if she told the assistants afterwards she said no. I asked her if she wanted me to go in and talk to them, she said, “No, I just want to go home.” At that point, she started to cry. I felt horrible, I scooped her up and held her tight and let her cry. I could not stop asking questions because I was in “Mommy Lioness” mode, but I decided that she had enough of the questions. I was trying to gauge how serious the situation was and whether I needed to address it immediately. I still do not have all of the information about what happened, I will let her share in her time.

I let her know that I was going to take care of it the next time we went.

I told her what a brave and strong little girl that she is and not to let this stop her from making new friends or going to the YMCA. I will speak with the two women that are there on Monday nights next week. On the way home, after my anger subsided, I started to think of the little girl. I shared with Ariel that we have no idea why people do those kinds of things. I told her of all the possible reasons that I could think of and even shared that maybe her family behaves like that, or she has older siblings who pick on her. We just do not know, but that it is not acceptable. I am going to use some tools to help her process this without it instilling fear or triggering her anxieties – I hope.

After the few moments I spent on the possibly why’s, I asked her to tell me about all the kids she did have fun with.

I asked her about who she played with and if she remembered any names. We both have issues with remembering names. She did remember a couple of them! We spent some time together at home and she is feeling much better. She shared a little bit more before she went to bed. She told me that when she got there the girl was harassing another girl and some of the other kids were saying “cat fight.”

I sighed.

It reminded me of an older post I wrote What’s Up With Girls? I may have been a little pushy with my question asking with Ariel, but I felt it was important that I understood how serious the incident was so I knew how to handle it properly. My first instincts were much fierier than, what I am sharing now, but Ariel did not want that she just wanted to be held. She wanted me to listen to her and comfort her. Ariel is much like me when it comes to processing these things. The good thing is that she feels comfortable talking to me about it. She wants to share in her time. She did not get the speech I got to “suck it up” and “ignore” them.

For the record that DOES NOT work.

She felt heard, understood, and accepted. I could have handled it a bit better, but I think for our first run with a bully I did all right. We will see how next Monday goes. I do not think it will be an issue, there is a no tolerance bully policy and if there is any confusion I will be happy to give them resources about what bullying is and how it needs to be handled.

However, I do not think it will be necessary.

I did have several other resources regarding bullying, but I am too tired to locate them at the moment. If you have any great resources please share. It is always beneficial to get information out about bullying and how to help and get help for children and parents.

Bullying Definition

The Roles Kids Play

11 Facts About Bullying

Bullies: What is Bullying (PBS Kids)

More About Bullying

Definitely, worth sharing again.

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04/1/13

Autism Awareness/Acceptance Day (Month, Lifetime!)

Hello folks! This year I have found myself feeling the anxiety of the month of April on the first day of March. I do not do well with tension and now that is what Autism Awareness Month represents to me. I already struggle terribly with social situations and relationships. I have had to muddle through all sorts of emotions when it comes to the Autism Community. I have had such penetrating feelings of isolation and belonging that at times I have to walk away to gain my clarity of mind once again. My own journey started with Autism awareness transitioning into acceptance not only for my son, but come to find out for myself!

When Autism came into our vocabulary, it was new.

I had virtually no knowledge of Autism whatsoever. I had to research, process, dissect, dismantle, research more, and break down an entire mental perspective, process, loop, more looping so on, and so forth. It has taken time, it will continue. I had no idea that my life would become a daily process filled with Autism awareness and acceptance. We are all at different journeys in this process. We all have our unique perspective that is influenced by many factors. I write about my journey and my perspective it is different from my Autistic peers in many ways and it is similar in many ways. I share my perspective as a parent of an Autistic child, some autistic mothers may relate some may not.

I have had to and still am in the process of accepting that I am Autistic.

This is not a bad thing, it has given me such a new outlook on life, and how I see other people and my world. It has answered so many questions that I had about myself. It does not dismiss my challenges or my past that is filled with pains and scars. There are some days that I feel angry because had someone diagnosed me early on my life could have been much different. However, there are no guarantees that it would have been for the better, it could have caused even more struggles. There is no peace in “what could have been’s.” What we do have is the here and now.

And we can do a lot with that.

This year I have realized that I have more empathy toward those who have no knowledge of Autism, or those who are struggling with accepting that it is a part of their life. I relate in new ways to a person realizing that, they are Autistic, through self-diagnosis or receiving their “official” diagnosis. I see with a different perspective the parents who have just learned that their child is Autistic. I think about how they make their choices to take on the journey of “fighting” it or embracing it. I have come to a place of looking back at my own experience and can apply understanding to others that I could not before.

I am obviously on the side of acceptance, but I will not attack a person who does not agree with me.

I do not have to agree with you to have empathy. I can understand because I have had to go through my own process. In the beginning, it was becoming aware. At times, I become amazed at my own ignorance (may sound harsh) in believing that people know about Autism. I have been baffled when I hear or read people talk about Autism and it feels like the Dark Ages. The reality is many people still do not have an accurate awareness about Autism. There are still many misconceptions, myths, and distorted perceptions.

Media and campaigns are not always the most accurate outlets.

However, they are springboards for getting information out there. In this past year, I have seen many more Autistics writing and sharing their personal journeys. I have read many more blogs from parents who focus on the positives of their child’s (rens) autism. I have read more websites that are focusing on the needs of Autistic children (still we need more focus on needs and helps for children and parents) and slowly there are some for adults. We still have quite a ways to go for Autistic adults; I am struggling with that myself. I need assistance and help in certain areas of my life, but I cannot get it.

The positive is that I am finding resources for my son.

I am thankful for the virtual school because they have made it possible for him to have therapies that my husband’s insurance does not cover, and unfortunately, we make too much to qualify for assistance, but not enough to pay for them out of pocket. Therefore, I keep getting creative and try to find ways to get him what he needs. I see both the positive and the negative and I still hold onto hope. Some days not so much, but today I see the light. (It is not blue. A joke, relax!)

I am not sure if my post is expressing what I had hoped it would.

However, I want this month to be a positive experience this year. I do not want to get to April next year and feel that tinge in my heart and the stone in my gut. I am going to take this month as I do each month and write what I am dealing with, our family adventures, our challenges and our GREAT days, and most of all continue to share my Autistic perspective. I can only hope that my openness and experiences that I share on my blog will move people to be more open to the possibility that no matter where we are at on the spectrum our challenges and needs are valid and need to move from awareness, acceptance, and to more action.

I do not want to be filled with anxiety this whole month.

I will not argue, or demand that people share my point of view. I will continue to do what I have done all along, share my Autistic life spreading awareness, hoping for acceptance, longing for action, and support those within my community. There are plenty of people who are sharing some great posts this year. I hope people will wander and meander to read the different perspectives with openness and acceptance all around. I will once again share an older post because I still feel the same, pretty much. Bringing Awareness, I Am Turning Blue (Repost)

Happy Autism Awareness/Acceptance (Every) Day!

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03/19/13

Heart Tinge: Start of Anxiety

I wanted to share my other post about idealized love, but I still do not feel like it is right. (ready) My head is trying to process “obsessive” love at the moment and how there can be misread signs of an Aspergers person falling into this. I have even questioned myself as to whether I had obsessive love for someone. For me I find that thought frightening – I would never want to be that way toward another human being. I do not believe that I ever have.

The first line of the definition is:

“Obsessive love is a state in which one person feels an overwhelming obsessive desire to possess another person toward whom they feel a strong attraction, with an inability to accept failure or rejection.” I do not feel that Aspergers for the most part are actually doing this in the sense of wanting to “posses” another person. I think we become overwhelmed with emotion for the person and our inability to quickly process or understand our emotions can cause us to become fixated on the person to the point of feeling like an obsession. The initial connection to a person whether a friend or love interest can be new, confusing, intense, and override our senses.

There is also the added lack of understanding of social cues, so we may be obsessed because we do not know how the person feels about us.

That could lead into fears, confusion, and anxieties causing us to misread words, actions, body language, and creating loops about every single encounter we have ever had. I have no clear knowledge on the topic, but it seems like our chemical reactions could go into hyper-drive. Especially, if we have found someone that has perked our interest when so many others seem lackluster and insufficient in comparison to the simplicity we can have simply engulfing ourselves in our special interests. Still I am processing and have no clear ideals or answers so my musings are to help my brain process. Possibly others will gain from my ponderings and whatnot’s.

Alrighty, on to my topic of the day. (May venture into another side topic that is swimming in my head for a brief moment.)

I have been paying close attention to my anxiety triggers for the last month. I have been detailing words and actions that cause a physical reaction in my body in order to discern what is actually happening. For years, I have allowed the physical affects to pass by without any thought. I did not think I could do anything about it. Several years ago, when I started to research anxiety I realized that it could cause certain physical reactions.

I had no prior knowledge about anxiety, really.

I had always assumed that there was something wrong with me. I assumed that I was the only one who ever felt that way. This was not the case at first. When I had anxiety as a child I assumed that everyone else felt exactly what I felt and could not understand why they would get so upset, frustrated, or confused by me. It took a while, but I finally concluded that I HAD to be the only one.

Now I know that I am not.

I was so comforted in discovering that others knew what I was and had gone through with my anxiety and panic attacks. It has taken me several years to get to the point where I finally realized that I could detect my triggers. There are several reasons for that, but I will not go into it. SO! Today was the first day that I watched the manifestation of what a trigger could do to me mentally. It may sound strange, but in a way, I stepped outside of myself and paid close attention to what happened to me both physically and mentally.

It started with the trigger.

I was happy this morning. I was feeling really good. Daniel and I went grocery shopping together on Saturday and he did great. We both had fun and we recovered rather quickly from the sensory assaults that attack in a Wal-Mart. Sunday was a great day with the kids and me. Then, Monday we went to a new park and met Daniel and Ariel’s virtual teacher for the first time, in the physical world. These were some pretty big things in just a few days and everyone was still feeling and doing well. Today, I was feeling a little overwhelmed because I have not had a break in a while. My grandma has been sick and going to my spin class is not really a break because I take Ariel with me so she can get some social time. (And get away from the boys for a while.)

I was still feeling pretty good. I decided to set up eye exams for the kids.

I made the appointments online, which I liked very much. They called me to get everything squared away, we are not set yet, but it is in the works. I share that because one thing that my anxiety can feed on is WAITING! The unknown, the unanswered, the forever-lingering appointments, telephone call, email???? Here is where the trigger comes. I am all fine and dandy be-bopping proud of myself for making the appointments and I go to share. Then, I am told about how so and so went to their appointment and they got a bad prescription when they were a kid and it caused problem.

There was first a bunch of other words spoken that felt like a bunch of bees swarming my head.

When the negative prescription comment was made I felt a tinge in my heart. I say tinge because I do not know how else to describe it. It is the slightest of painful tickle. That is the best I can do. It feels like black and silver prickly thorns barely tapping at my heart.

It does not hurt badly, but just enough to cause an ache.

I tried to combat it with my own confident words knowing full well I am capable of taking my children to the eye doctor and ensuring that they get the best attention and care. I felt confident in myself after the words, but the tinge started to swarm my whole heart. It trickled into my belly. Self-doubt started to creep in. My mind started to wander and I went to facebook, which I knew that I should not go.

It happened!

I went onto facebook and started reading into things that people posted. I started to have the thoughts that I have no friends. That no one notices when I am not around. I stopped and stared at my computer screen knowing full well what I was doing. Instead of feeding it, I made myself sit there and feel it. I accepted the fears and the irrational thoughts of my anxiety. I knew what exactly caused it. My mood went from happy to irritable and somewhat sad. I knew what was happening, but I could not stop it. I decided that I needed to ride it out.

I forced myself not to take things personally that I saw on facebook.

I reminded myself that these thoughts were fleeting and they are not absolute truth. I was doing much better, but still feeling off. This is when I took notice of how I interpreted things that I read. Articles or posts that had the slightest trigger for me caused an instant irritation and a desire to go into a full on 2000 word rant. I stopped myself. Here is my sidetrack moment though. Today I saw this:

“Is your man distant, cold and insensitive? He could secretly be AUTISTIC. Two wives open up about their husbands’ diagnoses”

I will be honest it ticked me off. After my last post, expressing some things in regards to this it just really irked me. I have more in my other post about idealized love too on this topic. I am not going to go into my full rant, but what I would REALLY like to see is some more Aspergers men share their feelings about this.

How do you feel about your spouse or partner feeling this way?

Have they tried to understand you or have they automatically assumed all of your Asperger traits make you distant, cold, and insensitive? Do they have any idea how you show affection? Are all of the issues perceived through their perceptions? Does ANYONE ever stop and think of the WHY an Autistic person may seem distant, cold, and insensitive other than through their own expectations that they claim are not being met?

Look, I know I may sound like I am taking sides here; maybe I am a little bit.

HOWEVER, I ask you for a moment to consider how difficult it can be to go through an entire life undiagnosed. Can you consider for a moment what it is like to feel so incredibly different and not know why? Think about how much of an Autistic person’s life could have been filled with constant confusion and lack of empathy from others.

Then, as an Autistic you are continually told how much you lack empathy or emotion.

Think about our world, our world, our minds do not process or think in the same ways and we are bombarded with this world that we live in telling us how wrong we are for being the way we are. We are told how we need to change to make others feel loved. We need to learn how to express emotion, thoughts, and learn to communicate in ways that can feel foreign and unnatural? I am not against compromise, but I wonder … I wonder.

Sigh … I will stop because I am not sure if I am making any sense.

Back to my anxiety – I am passionate about understanding relationships. I understand both sides for Autistics and nonautisitics. I do realize the difficultly and pain that others may be feeling, but I felt a mass amount of irritation today about it. I felt my belly on fire and I felt like it was an injustice to portray us in such generalized ways. (Well that is injustice.) My agitation was heightened because of my anxiety. I would not normally linger with the feelings of irritation and annoyance. I can usually see their point, have my reaction, and then, quickly move on with sympathy for all parties. My anxiety kept the negative feelings lingering.

By 3:00 pm, I was feeling fatigued and sick.

My brain was fuzzy, my stomach hurt, and I started to have signs of allergy symptoms. Daniel had his tutor coming so I had to keep my social mask on; it was a social encounter by that point I was not looking forward to. It did help that I understood why I felt the way I did. The tutoring session went well, but my sensory sensitivities heightened causing even more irritation. I was starting to get irritated and hurt by her because she kept staring at my birthmark. I normally, hide it pretty well just so I do not have to deal with that too, but I was too tired today.

This caused me to have another trigger of insecurity.

I have so many traumas wrapped up into my birthmark that if I am vulnerable in any way it can send me into tears if someone stares at it. By 4:15 pm, I was ready for bed. Of course, I could not go to bed. I shook it off reminding myself that I have no idea what she was thinking and WHO CARES anyway! I have three little ones to take care of I do not need to concern myself with things like that. Instead, I read books in the living room to them. Daniel was on the chair with me and Ariel and Joshua played while listening.

After dinner, I had to lay on the couch for a little bit.

Ariel lay with me while the boys played and we watched Seinfeld and then, The Brady Bunch because they had never seen it before. Daniel asked me to turn it off. Lol! He said, “I do not like the sound that the show makes.” I am not sure what that means, but I turned it off. After that, I got up did the dishes and decided to take a shower. I felt much better and realized that I should probably document all of this to help me process.

Who knows maybe someone else knows what I am talking about or can relate!

Writing all of this I understand how one perceived negative comment (and bombarding of unnecessary words and negative tales) could spin me into a tinge of anxiety. I now know what it means when I get that tinge in my heart. Since, I allowed myself to “experience” all of this I think I am better equipped to redirect myself next time. I also understand that my many social and sensory situations have made me more vulnerable and sensitive. This week is packed. Grandma is supposed to come on Thursday if she feels well (a lingering unknown), I am still waiting for the exact date of the eye exams, and on Friday they are working on the house. I have to think of something to do with the kids away from the house because they will be putting in insulation, it has to be done inside the house. (Oh, and I have an appointment with my therapist on Friday afternoon.) More lingering unknowns … unsettled anxieties.

Knowing is half the battle!

Some excellent read for the day. (Could[should] bring awareness and perspective.)

There Will Never Be Another You

New Research on Autism and Suicide

Autistic children are 28 times more likely to be suicidal

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03/13/13

Wordless Wednesday(?) Sea Monkeys & Such

I cannot be wordless. No matter how hard I try, I must say more than, a picture or two (billion.) I plan to make this post short though. I feel that I need to get something out. I have to force myself to write something because my brain is jumbled with thoughts and emotions. I know what I want to write, but I also know that if I start writing I may end up with another whole series of posts that I do not have time to write about at this time. I am having great revelations for myself. I feel as though my brain has been stuck in a vortex and I clawed myself to clarity that I have not had in a very long time.

Quite honestly, I do not remember when exactly, but I know this feeling.

It is the feeling of major change in my thinking. The difference this time is that I have answers that I did not have times before. I understand the reasons for my quirks and routines. I have a better understanding about my sensory issues and how to handle them better. I know why I eat certain ways and have social anxiety. I understand how others have impacted me and the reasons for much of my confusion over the years.

Although, I do not think some of my social confusion is going to magically disappear.

I have “understood” these things for quite a while, however, they have been poked and made fun of which in turn made me feel as if there was still something wrong with me. The implied negatives made me feel that I still needed to feel badly, embarrassed, or as though I was not equal to others because of them. That is what making jokes about my anxieties, sensory issues, Aspergers does to me.

I have a new understanding about this though.

I am also no longer internalizing such things. This has come with my new clarity as well. It is not funny or kind to make fun of others like that, period. I have clear beneficial answers though and that helps a lot. I have clear beneficial helps. That is all new and I believe will lead me into better thinking patterns and ways to cope. I know that many things will continue throughout my life, such as my anxiety and cycles of depressive thoughts, certain loops, and becoming extremely interested in something until I exhaust all resources and find something else.

I will also still have some of special interests that I have had since I was a child.

Those are parts of me that will not change. They may manifest differently in the coming years, but they are a part of me. Enough about all of that. I will share some pictures of the kid’s special interests lately. Daniel’s has been batteries for a very long time. He has now added screwdrivers into the mix. Ariel’s is dragons and books, but lately she and Joshua have been nonstop on Hero Factory adventures. We have all become rather enthralled with our Sea Monkeys.

I really like them.

I thought I had killed all of them because I apparently overfed them, but at least five survived! It looks like there are a few more – I cannot really tell though they all look alike except for the two big fellas. I find them fascinating to watch. You can find the kids and I leaning on the counter watching our Sea Monkeys swim wildly at any given time of day. The time change has not been the most pleasant of adventures, but I do not feel like talking about any of that. Hmm… Well, my mind is starting to stir; before I start to go into anything else, I will say my goodbyes for today.

Enjoy the Sea Monkey & Hero Factory invasion! Imagine Dragons - On Top of the World – Lyrics

: This guy is smiling at me!

: Those are some of Ariel’s comics that he is standing on. :-)

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03/10/13

Double, Double Toil and Trouble

Macbeth, anyone? Many people seem to know the line “Double, double toil and trouble,” but I have wondered how many actually know what it means. It sounds rather forthright, double your struggles, exhaust yourself to get something done not in a positive way so to speak, but more like draining yourself of all energy to the point of it being burdensome. Then, we have trouble, stir it up by double let’s keep churning and spinning to the point that we become mentally agitated, emotionally, spiritually drained, mess our minds into confusion, chaos, etc …

It can take the slightest of subtly to coax us into some thought or idea.

The three witches from Macbeth did just that, “While the witches do not tell Macbeth directly to kill King Duncan, they use a subtle form of temptation when they tell Macbeth that he is destined to be king. By placing this thought in his mind, they effectively guide him on the path to his own destruction. This follows the pattern of temptation used at the time of Shakespeare. First, they argued, a thought is put in a man’s mind, then the person may either indulge in the thought or reject it. Macbeth indulges in it, while Banquo rejects.^[23]“

Side note: I read this and found it interesting The Relationship Between Macbeth and the Witches.

I am not going to go into all of the Shakespearean prose and prods. I simply found something intriguing about the words, “Double, double toil and trouble.” They have been flashing through my head for a couple of days and I am unsure as to why. When something like this happens, I go into a research mode.

I am trying to figure out what my brain is trying to tell me.

As I went on my adventures, I did recall many of the subtleties in Shakespeare’s brilliance through his writings. His cleverness and insight on human behavior, is a great tool for this Aspergers girl. (Lady? Woman? I suppose, I will be 40 years-old later this month. AND did I mention I am very excited about that? I am serious, I love getting older.)

I know, I know I get sidetracked so easily.

As I was reading, what popped out at me was how the witches gave predictions. They were clever, knew how to instantly read people, and knew how to “play” Macbeth. It made even easier for Lady Macbeth to use her subtleties as well in hopes of fulfilling her ambitions. (It did not really help her though …)

It struck me with a new understanding of how subtle comments can persuade a person. (ME!)

It is not always a bad thing, but if you have a manipulator using these tactics on you, at some point you will become a shell of a human being. As I thought about the old hags and about Shakespeare’s others plays and prose, it made me wonder what happens to Autistic people when these subtle words, ideas, emotions, and various persuasive means attack our subconscious. It made me think about how people in general can be easily persuaded and that many times they can be led into ideas based on their insecurities, ambitions, or as a form of escapism.

There are all kinds of reasons why people become persuaded into something.

“Though the witches do not deliberately tell Macbeth to kill King Duncan, they use a subtle form of temptation when they inform Macbeth that he is destined to be king. By placing this thought in his mind, they effectively guide him on the path to his own destruction.” Three Witches

The witches never deliberately said anything.

They did not have to Macbeth was an easy target. For him it was ambition, but he was still manipulated by his wife so that tells you something of his character already. As I think about myself, I see how easily I have been molded and persuaded by such characters as the witches and Lady Macbeth.

Manipulators like that can pick out your weakness on the spot.

They can take your vulnerabilities and apply strategies within seconds to get you to do what they want. I have have been an easy target for them. Though on an intellectual level I understood that there were people like that, it never manifested into a reality until my research in the last few years.

It has been both painful and comforting to know that I am not at fault for everything that has happened to me.

It has also, made me aware that it never occurred to me that people would ever do that to me. They know how to plant subtle thoughts into your mind by reading your vulnerabilities. Myself, I had been bullied throughout elementary school and I was confused about my relationships with my parents while growing up.

Such things as feeling like a burden or bothersome for asking for my basic needs.

It put on an invisible burden while, I was a young child. I had many confusing situations with my dad. I felt as though my existence was a burden to my family and because of my bullies, to the world. It is no surprise that my first boyfriend was a predator and abusive.

He groomed me to feel unworthy even more so.

Each relationship thereafter, contributed to these unworthy feelings in myself and they felt confirmed with each lie, each cheating incident, each criticism, each time my emotions were invalidated, or I was made to feel as though I was crazy, overreacting, or a drama queen. Year after year, of being directly told how worthless I was or indirectly only confirmed these things to a greater extent.

It did not truly occur to me that they were abusive and manipulating me.

It did not occur to me that they chose me because I was an easy target. It did not occur to me that I was being treated horribly. I did not know any better. This would explain why I never felt acceptable to God. None of my hard work and good deeds meant a thing; I was still in miserable situations being treated as though I had no value. The hard reality that I have to accept is that I have been continually treated like this because I saw no value in myself.

I already had a negative self-image.

This caused any subtle negatives to seeps into my brain and make me doubt. I believe this (self-doubt) has been heightened many times because of my social confusions and anxieties. However, what intensified it always, was when I had become isolated. I am not one to isolate myself for long periods.

If I do, something is wrong.

My mom has known this and she has been the one to voice on many occasions, “You need to be around people. You always have. You do not need it all the time, and it cannot be too much, but you have to be social or you get depressed.”

Before, I normally had at least one friend who built into me.

Except for the times I have been persuaded to move to another state completely away from everyone, that has happened twice both times I became seriously depressed and was isolated. My memory has been so distorted and confused for such a long time that I forgot about some of the people who did care about me. I did not have very many balanced friendships, but throughout the years, I did have had a couple. I know what it is like. I have not been able to pull positive memories like I used to so it has felt otherwise. I have been creating my self-destructive prophesies.

I do understand where I need to change this way of thinking.

I need to be able to discern negative subtleties and not accept them any longer. Either from past voices or current ones. It has to come from deep within my soul though. I have to understand that I have value. I mean, I do know this. I do respect myself. I used to respect myself a lot more, when I was not so confused and not so full of self-doubt.

I am gaining a lot of perspective by watching and reading about narcissists.

It has helped me see the patterns of relationships that I have had, and it has stripped off some of the shame and guilt of feeling as if I should have known better. I actually, feel good about the fact that I had no idea there are people who are really like this.

It upsets me that I have to see it now because I like my beautiful world, but I also cannot be so naïve.

I think that I have managed to give myself a clear visual, and trigger words (Double, double toil and trouble, dun dun dun dun Shakespeare to save the day!) to help me when I get that “gut” feeling that negative subtleties are being planted in my head. Yet, again, I have written another thing that has so many things wrapped up into it that it would take another round of posts to get it out.

Instead, I will share the things that I read and some videos that I watched that helped open my eyes even more.

I could not find any information on how negative ”subtleties,” affect an autistic person. I did find information about NPL( Neuro-linguistic programming) and some people think that it can be a positive thing for us. The only thing I found was written from an autistic’s perspective in their attempts to use NLP. How I Learned to be (nearly) Human Here is the rest of the posts she wrote too on the subject Laura Nagle.

What if NLP is used ON you without your knowledge as an autistic person?

It can be used for good or bad, some parents use it to help their autistic child – I just do not know how I feel about all of that. I did read this from a father’s perspective who used NLP on his autistic (and non-autistic) child NLP And Autism. Again, there is a difference when a person who is well-trained in these techniques uses it to manipulate and control others and a parent who is trying to help their child in a way that they feel is best. I have no definitive opinion at this point on the topic. Unless, they are trying to manipulate in a way that is harmful to the child. Oh, it seems I have become a bit rambly and possibly too off topic I do not know.

I will share my adventures and be off. (Yeppers! I’ve been at it again. They all connect in my mind. Hee hee)

The Dangers of Loneliness

Why Loneliness Can Be Deadly by Katharine Gammon, LiveScience Contributor

How to Detect Subtleties in a Relationship

Repair Your Reality After Gaslighting

neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) (Skeptic’s Dictionary)

Psychological Manipulation

Manipulation Techniques

Narcissism or Psychopathy – Differences.

Here are a load of videos that helped me.

This first one does have some graphic images that took me by surprise so be warned it shows an image of violence though in black-and-white, it still shook me a little. It may not be that bad – it could be a trigger for me. I also discovered that Sam Vaknin is a narcissist himself. He is the author of Malignant Self Love – Narcissism Revisited. I find that interesting that he is a “self-aware” narcissist. It makes sense why he understands the mind of those with NPR.

narcissists – full documentary (It talks about the traits and the differences between those who have various traits compared to a full on Psychopath who has all nine traits.)

Spot a Narcissist or a Psychopath on Your First Date (Oh, boy I wish I would have had this starting from age 13!)

Effects of Abuse on Victims and Survivors

Abuse in Relationships: gaslighting (ambient), overt, covert, by proxy

Psychology of Victim of Torture and Abuse

The Narcissist Woman

Oh, here is his youtube page, you can watch what you feel like.

Abuse in Relationships with Narcissists and Psychopaths

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