Category Archives: Home School

05/8/13

Shutdown!

This week has proven to be a great challenge for me. I am still at a loss of words. I can barely speak to those in my “real” life. It takes all effort to try to pull words together to make any sort of communication. I continue to apologize and say, “I am sorry, I have no words.” I am struggling even now to pull the letters together in my brain to form words, creating sentences. I find it difficult to get them flowing from my fingertips onto the keyboard. However, it is much easier than trying to get the words out of my mouth.

It is not happening without great effort.

I found myself staring at my computer screen this morning unable to pull myself out of that state. I heard all that was going on around me, but I could not move. I stared with jumbled words and sadness. I have several reasons for this happening to me, but I am unable to articulate it. This starting happening last week when I was faced with several social issues that sank me into near anxiety attacks. I was able to work through them fairly well. Then, came an emotional rush of feeling disconnected from people. I felt lost and without friends or anyone to turn to many times it is that way. I have no one that I can share with about what is happening in my life.

I have no one to confide in about the challenges that I am facing.

I can to a certain point on my blog and with some friends when they are not in their own state of shutdown or consumed with daily life. I also, do not want to “bother” anyone with my “problems.” I have my personal struggles that I am dealing with and the feeling of loss, but I cannot explain what I feel loss about. Possibly my grandiose imaginations, which happen to be the things that give me hope on a regular basis. Once I feel that I have lost them too, I feel hopeless. I feel as though I will “never” get out of my situation. I will “never” be able to follow through on my plans and goals.

At those times, even my special interests fail me.

I know that this will pass. It always does. I do know that much of this has to do with having no time alone. I have not been able to get away and do anything for myself by myself. Last Friday, I had to spend my time running errands. I have spent much of my time trying to help Daniel because he is having a very challenging week. I believe he is adjusting to his new glasses, though it is a very good thing and he is happy, they are still a new adjustment. I have had to cancel some of his sessions for therapy and was thankful that this week he did not have live lessons with his teachers because I am sure I would have canceled them.

It is does not help that he is behind on his lessons and they have to be done by May 21st.

The stress of all the phone calls with teachers and talking to therapists has worn me out. He has been going through some sort of transition as well where the things that used to help him no longer help. He is beginning to reject all of my efforts to help him. He is getting even more upset at me when I try to help him. It causes me to shutdown because I do not know what to do; it triggers me to go into research mode. However, I have to gear my focus on finding strategies and researching ways to help Joshua. He needs my help too with ways to cope and to find ways to make reading and handwriting less stressful for him. Ariel needs me and I am seeing more and more each day how all of them need more emotional support.

I am fighting off the words, “I am a failure.”

Yesterday, after yet another moment of the school day not going in a positive direction, the tears came rushing out. I was so overwhelmed with so many things. I was struggling with my personal issues that I couldn’t (cannot) share with anyone and I just-needed-a-good-day! By evening, I felt catatonic, much like this morning. (“appearing to be in a daze or stupor; unresponsive“) I had enough in me to respond and take care of my children, but that took everything out of me. I am very good had hiding these things from my children. However, I have no doubt that they feel it and that could explain why Ariel sat next to me cuddling with me last night. She does not cuddle all that often.

I suppose I am finding some words at the moment.

It has occurred to me that I am under a great deal of stress. I am still processing many things that the boy’s teachers have said to me. I am not able to write everything out in regards to school at this time. I need to get them through the next two weeks. Mainly, Daniel since he is behind on his lessons. My mom is coming on Saturday AND I am excited about that! However, it also means that I need to keep the kids focused on school while she is in town. I am looking forward to hanging out with her and doing some fun things. I am going to see if she and my grandma want to go to lunch for Mother’s Day or something.

Big fat sigh… 

I think that is all I can get out of my head now. My brain still feels all clustered and clogged, but a little better. Quite honestly, I think the problem is that I have not had any downtime. I feel stretched very thin. I am being pulled in too many directions and not having any time to gather my pieces back into a whole. I am going to take the kids outside, get a little sun on my face, and see about getting out of the house for a little bit tonight. Maybe I just need to drive around town with my music blaring, singing at the top of my lungs for a while. I will be the coolest mom in a minivan EVER! :-)  That’s all I got folks, I feel my words fading quickly.

Picture (of random and odd potatoes and my paintings) time! 

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05/1/13

700th Post!

This is my 700th post, woot! :-) I am going to keep it short. I just could not keep it at 699 any longer. I will share some pictures. Today Daniel discovered “helicopter seeds.” (Flying maple seeds) I was immediately transported to my grandma’s backyard collecting tons and tons of them. A Flash of a great memory of my childhood. I spent hours in her backyard collecting those along with other grand woodsy type things, leaves, sticks, dirt, roly-poly bugs, rocks, and whatever else I could gather to create the most delicious of nature meals you could ever imagine.

I was a wondrous fairy chef who could talk to creatures and was best friends with butterflies!

The world was stupendous! But only in the back yard for those several hours that I could play alone and not be bothered with the rest of the world. Today Daniel found as much delight in these flying maple seeds as I did as a child. Then, it caught on with Ariel and Joshua as I shared my childhood fun with them. They all three now have a collection of them in the house. Daniel is playing with them and treating them as though they are delicate little creatures as to not break their “blades” that are “like fans.” :-)

It was a brighter moment of our day.

Let’s just say things did not go as planned and the great outdoors helped us feel much better. Unfortunately, we had a sad moment outside when we discovered three baby birds that had died. Joshua was so upset he almost started crying. He said, “That makes me so sad. I think about that mommy bird and she must be so, so sad.” I shared a little bit about nature and how these things happen. It is sad, but it is what happens in nature. I was much softer when speaking with him; I was sad too and had to work through my own emotions. However, the helicopter seeds saved the day and to Daniel they are better than, any of his current toys.

Well OK! I think they are pretty cool myself. :-)

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04/14/13

Whirlwind Week

This entire month has been full of activity. The kids and I have been doing all sorts of things in addition to doing our regular school schedule. I have been trying to get them ahead of schedule because my mom is supposed to come the third week of May. I think that is when, I will have to double check. Their last day of school is May 23rd and I would like them to be finished as soon as possible. Ariel and Joshua are almost down to only language arts and math lessons, but Daniel is a little further behind on his assignments.

In the last two months, I have seen huge progression with Daniel and Joshua in their reading.

They have been working so hard, but I am concerned with the Dibels readings coming up. I did manage to get their teachers to allow us to print off their monitoring reading stories ahead of time so they would not be on the computer screen. It is too difficult for them to read on there and being timed makes them nervous. Both of them need the paper lying flat and words covered so they do not get overwhelmed with all of the sentences, they can look like masses of letter blobs to them if they are not covered.

All three of the kids have improved a great deal in their handwriting.

We have been working on it and I have tried to make it as fun and positive as possible. It wears them out though. I have to keep it light on the lessons if I am going to have them do writing assignments on that day. No, practice does not make perfect. We cannot do it every day because it is too much for them to process.

They will become overwhelmed and it will turn into a negative.

I was so excited for Ariel because she practiced on her own with cursive. She has started reading in cursive too. It has boosted her confidence with writing because she thinks it is easier. I was so happy that Daniel actually wrote in cursive for me too. He did have to turn in one of his writing assignments in cursive. I was so proud and excited, until I saw that the teacher gave him a 5 out of 10.

I am not sure how I feel about that.

However, I do not want to dwell on that right now because this post is all about the great things that are happening. Our week actually started on Saturday the 6th, (with continued activity since then) when we went to my aunt’s for my birthday party, on Sunday I think we stayed home. Then, on Monday, Ariel and I went to the YMCA. I wrote what happened on Monday about the bully situation, but the awesome news is that Ariel recovered well and wanted to go with me on Thursday night. She went right into the children’s center with no problems and had a great time. I had a great time Piloxing … except I ate yogurt earlier that day and that was not a good idea. My belly felt awful afterwards. I do not do well with yogurt anyway; I have no idea why I decided to eat it that day. :-/

I forgot on Wednesday that I took the kids to play Putt Putt (mini-golf) after school.

A cool whirlwind image!

A cool whirlwind image!

During our school breaks, I made phone calls – one for music therapy and another to set up dentist appointments for the kids. I will set mine soon. Yippie! I can’t wait to see what all needs to be done in there. I still have two of my baby teeth; one of them seems to have a cyst of some sort above it. I may have to go to an orthodontist for that. I really do not care I just want my teeth cleaned and my one cavity taken care of before I panic again that I have a cavity at all! Yes, it is my first and only cavity. I am a little freaky about my teeth. Oh, and yes! I made phone calls and had no anxiety issues!

I am getting over my phone anxiety, a little bit.

I still have my moment’s right before I call and right after I get off the phone, but other than that, I am doing really well. I forgot I had to talk to Joshua’s teacher on Wednesday too. On Friday, I had to talk to Ariel and Daniel’s teacher about placement for next year. Ariel will be going into all gifted classes. She wanted to hold off on talking about Daniel until she spoke with his special ed teacher. I had to talk to her on Friday too. I know she was getting a feel for where I was at with placement for him. That is another post all together, but I did make it clear that I was gearing toward him moving on to third grade. We are supposed to have a meeting with all of his therapists,  teachers, and another woman whose title I cannot recall at the moment.

I will worry about that later.

On Friday, I dropped the kids off at grandma’s house for about an hour and half to give me a little break before we went to the Autism Awareness event. Then! Saturday I took Ariel and Joshua to their gymnastics class and Daniel and I went swimming. (At YMCA again.) AND Daniel actually put on a life jacket for me. He has refused and refused for years. The last time he wore one he was four years-old and we went to the beach. I took him to the deep end and he was latched onto to me for the first few minutes. I pulled him off and held him by his hands, until he was finally comfortable enough to let go.

He swam in the deep end by himself! 

I told him how proud I was of him and he was proud too. He said, “I am doing it! I am swimming in the deep part all by myself. I am floating though.” Lol! This is such a great thing. He has been afraid of the deep end for a long time. I am just so pleased with all of the things we have been doing lately. I am also so proud of all that the kids have been accomplishing. Daniel has amazed me with his willingness to try new things. It has also been so wonderful that he has been enjoying himself so much more when we do things. He wants to go places and do new things. That is much different than, almost a year ago when we moved here and he refused to get into the car for months.

His attitude about school has changed as well. 

His teachers and therapists said that he seems like a new kid. He is happy most of the time. He is willing to read or participate much more than before and if he does not want to he is able to communicate that. YAY! Now it is not all fun and awesomeness. There are moments that are not fun at all. Today happened to be an ALL day not-so-fun day, but being that we did so much this week I was ready and expecting it. I have been kind of cranky all day and so have the kids.

The day did not go as planned and we are socially and physically tired.

The kids and I did work on the yard for a couple of hours yesterday too. (They helped a little, it was more like they played while I worked. :-) ) That is a lot for all of us. This coming week is full too, not as much as this week. I think we will take more breaks this past week. Still I am so happy about all that we have done, it feels good to be able to go out and enjoy ourselves even if it feels like a whirlwind!

My post may sound like a whirlwind, but it has been one of those kinds of days – my brain is frazzled! 

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04/5/13

Celebrate Good Times, Come on …

I am quite chipper today. I have a huge sense of accomplishment in multiple areas of my life. I feel like celebrating it! I feel much better about Autism Awareness/Acceptance Month. I am excited about all of things that have been happening. (Look here Autism Acceptance Month.) I dealt with my personal issues and anxieties. I finally, came to the conclusion and acceptance, once again, that I will never make everyone happy.

I will participate in my way and not feel badly about how I contribute.

I think my fears are triggered by the familiar feelings that I have from church settings. (long story) I have moments when I feel as though I am an Autistic and Autistic parent who does not belong in the Autism community, and other times I am overwhelmed with understanding, belonging, and acceptance. I am not sure how to articulate those feelings very well.

I am not sure if others feel that way too, but I thought it was worth sharing.

I believe I have written about it before, however, my mind is spinning with all sorts’ positivity. This week I FINALLY fulfilled many of the goals that I have been talking (writing) about for what has seemed like decades. I got Ariel and Joshua signed up for gymnastics, which will start next Saturday. While they are doing that Daniel and I will enjoy some swimming action. :-) I signed Ariel up for gymnastic camp and Joshua into basketball camp for the summer. Daniel is signed up for Music Therapy social group for the summer session. I am waiting on his evaluation to determine if he qualifies for a Medicaid Waiver.

I hope he qualifies because his therapies will end when school ends.

The Music Therapy is covered under the waiver. They provide OT, Speech, academic helps, reading, sensory integration, as well as use the social groups to connect all aspects of the therapies. He would receive an individualized evaluation to work on his specific needs. It would be so perfect for him. He is naturally drawn to music and he uses it to help him process what he learns already. He loves everything about instruments, sounds, rhythms, beats, and on and on. He has taught himself several songs on the keyboard. He keeps asking for a “real” piano. I am keeping my eyes open for some great miracle of a bargain in hopes that something may pop up.

I also, registered Ariel into fine arts classes with a home school co-op.

She will be learning from a technically trained artist for drawing and painting 101. I think this will help her with her natural talents as an artist. She also decided to take Beginning Strings, which is taught by an instructor who holds a Master of Music and Suzuki Pedagogy. We will see how everything goes. It is fantastic to be able to experience these things. I admit I was a little concerned, I have seen some home school co-ops that have not been as professional. Not all are alike and I am NOT generalizing, but still I am not going to pour money into something unless it is worthwhile and will be beneficial to my child’s learning.

I think you know what I am trying to say. (I mean no disrespect to anyone, please know that.)

The woman I spoke with said that there are many girls her age taking the classes. Ariel and I are elated! She has been asking to make friends with girls, but it just has not worked out. I have been taking her with me Monday and Thursday nights to the YMCA to hang out with other kids. It has boosted her spirits. She really needs some time of her own away from the boys. She has been requesting it and I am happy to have a place to take her that she is enjoying.

I am amazed at my sudden fearlessness.

It is as if something has clicked. I have gained a whole new voice and perspective about myself. I have surprised myself at how outgoing I have been. I do know that I can be very outgoing, but then, be extremely introverted as well. Being introverted does not mean being shy or unable to be outgoing. I have noticed that after my social encounters I have taken the down time that I need. For instance, when I come home, after getting everyone else undressed, re-clothed, and taken care of, I take about 15 minutes to myself. This has made a huge difference in my stress and anxieties. I have also stopped worrying about what people are doing, or “trying” to tell me.

I assume that if they have something to tell me they will.

If they do not and expect me to “read” between the lines, that is their problem. I have no time for that stuff. I will no longer spend unnecessary energy on trying to figure out the communication twistings of others. It is their responsibility to tell me what they want me to know. If they expect me to read their mind, well that is simply unrealistic. I have taken on that mindset in my closer social circles. When I meet new people, I now go in not worrying about whether or not they will accept me. I go in with a positive hopeful attitude. If they like me and want to get to know me, great. If not, oh, well. I have boundaries and understand how to use them now.

Before I was desperately seeking for people to understand me, accept me, and acknowledge me!

The root of this issue was that I had not done those things for myself. I had been swallowed up in searching for an identity through others without realizing it. It is good to receive those things from others, but I should not look to others for them. Much of it had to do with being confused for so long about who I was and why I thought so differently from others. Why was I such an odd, quirky individual who did not even seem to fit in with other odd, quirky individuals? I have concluded that some days I feel perfectly fine in my own skin and other days I do not.

There are times when I can be extremely social and outgoing.

There are other times when I cannot. I will go with each cycle of myself and live happily accepting all of my different ways of being. Currently, I am in an outgoing, adventurous type of cycle. While I am in this cycle, I will get as many goals accomplished as possible. I will try what I want to during this time because it will give me the foundation of doing those things when I feel less adventurous. (lessening my anxiety in some ways) On Monday, I got to my cycle class late and all of the bikes were full. I looked at my aunt and said, “Bummer.” Then, walked down the hall to the next class, thought it was Zumba and decided to find out.

I walked in and asked what class it was; she said that it was Zumba.

I decided to give it a try. It was fantastic. I met several ladies that were very nice. I enjoyed myself and actually did not mind that much that I was in a room with a bunch of sweaty women, looking at a wall of mirrors! In the past, I would have gone home after missing out on the cycle class. I know I would have felt deflated. I did not this week, and last night I got to do Piloxing for the first time. Guess what? I love it! I will be going to spin class and Piloxing on a regular basis. That has changed too. I AM doing things for myself and doing things that I enjoy.

I am not only voicing when I need a break, I am saying, “I am taking a break.”

I am not sure if this side of me will be tired out by tomorrow after my family throws me my birthday party. My dad chose this week because last week was Easter and that would not work out for all of us. So tomorrow, I have family coming in, the party will be at my aunt’s house, and we will have another social event. I am looking forward to it. I think it will be good. Easter went great and we all had a great time. No meltdowns and it was very enjoyable. Daniel played on their piano most of the time. :-)

I know that I will need to take more down time after this weekend.

I have been going for two weeks straight with all sorts of new things and social situations. Yesterday, I took the kids to get their eye exams. I am so thrilled with how well it went. The doctor and nurse were perfect. They were so accommodating. They explained every detail for the kids as well as for me. They answered the plethora of questions that each of them had. I really appreciate it when people address my children with respect like that. The kids and I had fun; it was getting to be a bit too much for Daniel and Joshua after a while. We were there for almost three hours. However, all went well and we took the day to recuperate.

Ariel and Daniel are getting glasses.

Daniel is not too excited about wearing them. That may be a challenge. It all feels surreal. The kids and I have been doing so many more things out of the house and it has not made things worse. We seem to be much happier and calmer. Who would have though? And now I will celebrate these good times because as you know, it could change at any moment. Not that I am expecting horrible things, I am only expecting the best, preparing for the possibility of the worst, and enjoying all the great along the way! There are more things to write about, but I seem to be too babbly even for myself. I’ve been this way for a couple of days …

I will celebrate the last two weeks and the major changes in myself! 

Go Kool & The Gang! Lol!

 

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03/23/13

A Full Week & Less Anxiety!

This week was full of excitement. It started on Monday with meeting Daniel and Ariel’s virtual teacher. She was in town for state testing’s. She offered to meet us at a local park for lunch. I thought that I had not heard of the park, but I figured I could find it. It was on the other side of town, which is about 15 minutes away – compared to where we used to live this is fabulous!

The directions were very confusing.

Come to find out after getting to the park, it was the same place that my (ex) stepfather played softball at for the entire time he and my mother were married. I was there almost every Wednesday night and weekends during tournaments from the age 0f 8 until about 12. I was shocked that I had forgotten all about that park. I played in the playground by myself many nights.

I caught critters, talked to the moon, tried to count stars, but most of all I swung on the swings.

That particular park had the perfect height for swings. I have found that some parks just do not have the height right and it makes for uncomfortable swinging, for me anyway. I do have fond memories of that park. Ok, ok. We met with their teacher and she was great. I had no social awkwardness and I was not frazzled from trying to locate the park. I did not recall the park because the major expressway was not built during that time so we took a completely different route when I was a child.

Unfortunately, the weather was icky and no other children/families came.

We still had a good time; it helped Daniel and Ariel feel connected to her. Joshua may get her next year that will help him feel connected too if he does. Then, on Tuesday, Daniel’s tutor came. It was a rough day for me I wrote about that on my last post. I believe the sensory/social stress from the Saturday before at Wal-Mart and then, meeting their teacher contributed to my anxiety. Since I had not had any downtime I was feeling a bit on edge already.

On Wednesday, I spent time on the phone setting up eye exams for the kids.

In the midst of this, I also had social interactions via webcam with Daniel’s OT and Speech therapist. I talk to them after each session to discuss homework, progress, and anything else that comes up. Granted it is only about 5-15 minutes, they are still social interactions that I forget require me to have downtime.

On Thursday, my grandma came over and gave me a break.

I was so happy that she was feeling better and the kids were very happy to see her too. I took my break and realized how important it is that I get that time for myself. It was a break, but grandma was yet another social interaction. Even if I enjoy my social encounters, I need downtime and so do the kids. This week Daniel has been helping himself to seek out what he needs.

He has taken to playing the keyboard after his schoolwork and/or social interactions.

He has taught himself to play several songs and he is getting better each day. There have been meltdown moments, but he has had fewer and faster recovery times. This can be a cycle that we are in, sometimes he goes through meltdown cycles where I cannot find anything to help him, and then, there are times like this when he seems to be able to help himself or communicate what he needs.

He has asked many new questions.

He has wanted to participate with many things, along with starting conversations about things he is thinking about. He has also been asking, “What are you thinking about mom?” or “What do you feel right now?”They have been random and at unexpected moments. We have been having some interesting conversations. Now Friday, was a bit much. We recently discovered that this house has no installation all throughout. None. The owners have opted to put installation in and it was scheduled to start Friday morning.

I had made plans to take the kids out all morning until my appointment with my therapist.

Well, I did not get a call until later in the morning they said they could not get here until around 12:00 pm. I went along with my plans and took the kids to the YMCA to swim. Long story short, when we got back they said the job was bigger than they thought and they would have to have the pallets delivered next Thursday and do the work all day Friday.

I was starting to panic a little because of all of the change.

I was getting nervous about meeting with my therapist as well. I calmed down, accepted all of it, and came up with a plan for next Friday. I gained much more confidence after meeting with my therapist. I shared with her some of my concerns that I currently have and I told her directly what I needed help with. She gave me resources, validated, and confirmed issues that I brought up, and made it clear that I need to take mental breaks throughout my day.

She said even if it is for a few minutes a day.

The little breaks will add up and help me to maintain my mental energy that I need to keep on a regular basis. I have made some serious changes in how I handle my anxiety and any negative energy that I am exposed to – this has helped me a great deal. As I told her, “I feel like I am getting my brain back!” I am waking up and coming out of survival mode. One point she wanted to ensure I grasped, was that I be kind to myself.

She said that I will fall into familiar thinking at times, but it is ok.

She explained that I have been operating in fight or flight for so long that it will take time to change this into positive directions. SO, I am on the right track, but I need to remember not to beat myself up if I fall into old patterns. I can see them more clearly and stop them sooner which means I can look at that as the positive and move on faster. I have a tendency of thinking that I should have known better and I can jump to “O-M-G! I failed! then, dwell on that type of thinking. I can fall into thinking that I will “never” be able to change, but that only comes when I have been bombarded with words and negativity.

None of that is helpful or beneficial. 

I have also been seeking social activities to do with the kids. Since Autism Awareness (Please let us go to Acceptance.) is coming in April there are many things happening around here. I plan to take them to several family events that are scheduled. I am so excited! I also found a home school group that meets every Wednesday. I will not be taking them every week, but at least once a month for now. Today the downtown library had a music event for the families.

I decided that I was taking them so I did.

It was so much fun! We danced, sang, played instruments, marched, and made egg shakers it was fantastic. The kids loved it. The people who were doing it are part of a local music therapy that specializes in Autism and people with special needs. I asked all sorts of questions and we could possibly get Daniel music therapy free. I will find out all of the info on Monday. If not I can still get him into a music social group for about $20 a week. That would be great! I am trying to find him a piano teacher, but still have not.

Here is an interesting tidbit; I thought I had the correct directions.

In fact, I had printed directions for another thing that I plan to take them to. When I realized that I had the wrong directions, I pulled over, but could not get access from my phone. I had to call David and asked him to tell me the directions. I was right down the street and it was easy to find. It did not occur to me until I was on the way home that I did not panic at all.

I did not get frazzled when I could not find it.

I did not freak out when I discovered that I had the wrong directions. I was not filled with anxiety. This is HUGE! Having the wrong directions, not finding my way, going to a new place in general has caused me to go into serious panic attacks. I have even had panic attacks when I knew where I was going, but for the life of me could not remember. My head usually gets too fuzzy for me to concentrate and then, if I did make it to the place I was usually a mess and very awkward.

I also realized I had NO social anxiety whatsoever when I went into the library.

The library is huge and I could not locate the children’s center so I walked up to information and asked. I did not think about it – I just did it. When the kids and I walked into the room with the other parents and kids, I had a moment of hesitation because at that time there were only younger kids. My hesitation lasted only for a moment. I led the kids in and talked to people with no problems.

At the end, I went straight up to one of the women and asked questions about the program.

What I found amazing was that none of this was a thought. I was not afraid of saying anything wrong. I was not full of anxiety. I was myself. In the afternoon, I took Ariel out to lunch and to Toys-r-us for a build-a-Lego Friend event. No anxiety! I talked to people with no problems. I even ordered food through a drive thru! (We indulged in a fast food adventure. :-) ) I have not done that in years. I was a little anxious with that because I have not seen a drive thru menu in so long that I found it confusing.

I have to admit I am pretty stoked about all of this.

I do know that for the rest of today and tomorrow I need to have downtime. I need to relax. I could feel the effects in a few days, but the difference is that I know many more of my triggers that I did not before. (And how they are triggered.) If I stay away from negative energy and keep solid boundaries, I will be able to cope and allow my brain to process all that it needs to from this week.

One thing that really helps is that all of my encounters were positive.

I got a boost of self-esteem this week. I am looking forward to the weeks to come. I am going to an Autism Expo too that should be interesting. I may tape it and do a video. Maybe. I think going swimming and working out has helped a great deal. I have also started a workout routine with the kids and that seems to be helping all of us.

I am signing Ariel and Joshua up for activities for the spring season.

I am going to have them do summer camps too. I will take Daniel swimming while they do that because he loves to swim. Next week is not as packed, but I hope to try Piloxing on Thursday. Oh, yeah! Pilates, boxing, and dance. I cannot wait. :-)

Wow! This was a lot of stuff and I am still feeling good! (Though I am feeling very tired now. I better go to bed early. :-) ) 

A few pictures.

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02/19/13

The Magic 8 Ball Saves The Day!

I have been quite busy the last two days and staying away from my blogs and facebook pages for the most part. (I am still staying away from my personal facebook. My head feels better.) Yesterday, started out as a good day, well it was a good day overall. However, Daniel was in a VERY happy mood with tons of energy. In his excitement of listening to music and running up and down the stairs, he tripped and fell. He hit his head and the side of his face.

It was horrible! 

Something BIG happened though. Normally, when he is hurt he loses all means of communication and can only scream. In recent months, he has been able to point to the area where he got hurt, but was only able to tell me what actually happened about an hour later. When he fell, I was right there setting up a school assignment for Ariel. I ran to him, picked him up, and he let me. He did scream for a few minutes, but then he curled up and let me comfort him. I held him and rocked him on the bed trying to see the wounds.

He did get a bump on his forehead and on the side of his eye. 

He is ok though just a little bruised. :-( Although his Beatles hair style covers it up, he will not let me cut his hair. He told me that he wants to be like Rapunzel. He asked, “Why do I always get hurt?” It is unfortunate, but he does hurt himself often not normally this extreme, but the poor guy loses his balance a lot. (I do too walls always attack me!) He also does not take notice of his surroundings. Many times he has bent down to pick up a toy and came up rather quickly, hitting his head on the granite bar ledge. Any type of injury can derail him for hours. It did not yesterday. He recovered quickly and we were able to do many of his school assignments. YAY!

magic_8_ballHe did have anxiety about me leaving for spin class last night. 

Before I left, I was able to “sooth” him with some iPad time. He ended up playing it the whole time I was gone. :-/ It’s good and bad because if he plays too long he can get over stimulated. That is what happened, but it did not manifest until his first virtual class this morning.

This will turn into a positive … wait for it.

He went for the iPad first thing this morning. I had to put a limit on it because he did not want to do anything else. He was upset for a little while, but he did go to his first class without any issues, at first. I was helping Joshua and Ariel with their assignments for a moment when I came back in to check on Daniel, he looked upset.

I could not tell if he was or not though.

I noticed him telling his teacher “I don’t want to.” I came over and asked him what was going on and he completely shut down. I looked at his teacher and the other boy in the class and everything seemed fine. I asked Daniel again, “What is wrong Boo?” He collapsed into my chest. He refused to speak and then, started to get frustrated with his headphones, toys, and anything else that was near. The teacher ended up turning off his webcam and mic. I tried to figure out what happened and he was like 60 pounds of loose sand in arms. I tried to carry him into the living room, but he pushed me away and was upset. I sat him on the couch with me trying to comfort him and find out what had happened.

He would not talk. 

I told him, “Ok, Boo we will sit here and just be quiet for a while. I will stop talking too.” He did not like that for some reason – I still do not know why. He settled and we sat in silence for about ten minutes. Finally, I looked over and saw the eight ball sitting on the table. He has taken to asking it questions and finding the answers to be hilarious. I said, “Oh, I know Daniel I will ask the eight ball to tell me what happened.” He looked at me and slightly smiled, but acted non-responsive. I picked it up and asked, “Eight ball is Daniel mad at mommy?”

It gave some answer implying no. 

I went down the list of all the things I could think of and he was smiling, but still not talking. I decided to ask it, “Eight ball will Daniel ever talk to me again?” I shook turned it around to see the answer and stayed quiet. I continued to look at it and then, at him for a few seconds. It was too long for him. He looked at me and could not keep quiet he said, “What did it say?” Awww! I got him. Hee hee After that he had me ask several more questions and then, he took it to ask it questions. It took a while to discover what had happened. There was some sort of loud sound during his class.

He said, “There was a loud sound that hurt my ears and I lost my words.” 

Now these are some great things. He recovered well from that as well, went to his 1:00 pm virtual class, AND participated. He is doing fine now. I am glad I saw the eight ball because I was not sure how I was going to be able to help him. I do know that falling yesterday was a lot for him and he is processing that and feeling pain, which makes his sensory issues heighten. The additional stimulation with the iPad did not help, but he did do his schoolwork today. He is happily playing with scented markers at the moment.

He asked me for paper to draw! (That is big too.) 

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02/14/13

Keeping It Light!

I am kind of jabbering and have no real rhyme or reason for this post. I have a lot that I am pondering and weighing through. I admit I am still fragile from my depressive thoughts. I am feeling much better, but … I do not know. This time around, I know that I need to make some major changes. I have a mix of feelings because once again, I thought I understood a situation and it has been changed on me again. I cannot go into detail. I only know that I cannot continue in the ways that I have so I need to surround myself with positive people (mostly my internet connections :-) ) and make sure I reach out to those who love me in real life as well.

Depression causes my brain to become so muddled that I cannot remember who can support me and who cannot.

I made sure that I talked to my aunt after spin class on Monday, I shared with a autism group some of my struggles, I reached out to my mom, and tried to email some friends to help me at least write it out and process. That has helped. I was able to get the process rolling as well to try to get insurance for myself. So that is good news. That is all I will delve into today. I think those are positive things and I will continue to push myself forward in this area. However, I cannot stop there I must share some resources! (Someone may benefit!)

 Neel Burton – The Anatomy of Melancholy: Can depression be good for you?  (TED video)

Dealing with the Depths of Depression  (This one is great, it shares briefly about the biochemical and genetic links, environmental factors, and seasonal factors. My anemia is getting worse and I know that is a contributing factor as well.)

Mindfulness Counseling for Depression

Surviving Depression: A Mindful Way

Back to the lightness! 

SO! Good news with handwriting around here. All three kids struggle with handwriting, I still do. Ariel has made tremendous strides in her handwriting. Even though it does take a lot of concentration and she does have to take her time, the results have given her a new confidence. She was very proud of her accomplishments this week. She did remarkably well. She has also turned her room into a “comic book” library and if Joshua wants to check out a book he has to use the library card that she made for him. Lol!

Both Daniel and Joshua have improved in their handwriting too!

It is such wonderful a thing to witness them work so hard and then, revel in their achievements. This past week both the boys have not only done incredibly well with their handwriting, but they have been reading much more on their own. Daniel did amazing in his classes this week and read again for his teacher today.

It astonishes me when these things happen.

I always forget that when Daniel has several rough weeks that some major progress comes right after. I do not know why. I think that work with him so closely that I cannot see the progress as clearly. It feels like it is not happening, but then to my surprise things like this happen. It is not that I do not see it, it is that it is hard to truly comprehend what is happening until I have had time to process everything. I hope that makes sense. We had been working hard on his handwriting AND emotional expression the whole month of January. I knew it would be a lot to process. However, I was not consciously thinking of it.

My mind was set on the tasks. 

I was focused on school and then, processing the whole possibility of Daniel being “retained.” I had my own emotional responses and my own lack of knowledge that made me spin into anxiety. My research frenzy took over and then, with everything else I went into an inevitable meltdown. I am looking forward to my quiet time tomorrow when grandma comes to watch the kids for while. I plan on leaving and not being near any computer devices. I will have my phone, but I do not plan to get on to check anything. I want to try to find a place of solitude like the one I had at the beach where we used to live.

I am not sure I will find it, but I will try. 

Today the kids and I poured some sea monkey eggs into their purified water – we will wait excitedly for some to grow in the next week. We also, made cupcakes and managed to complete all of our schoolwork with everyone being happy. Now that is one fabulous day! Since I do not really celebrate Valentine’s Day, but I do love to read and research about the origins of holidays I will share another great find. I know others may not enjoy my interests such as these, but it makes me somewhat giddy. :-)  The Dark Origins Of Valentine’s Day I will leave with this fantastic array of photos Awkward Valentine’s Day Photos.

AND my own photos to share of course, I do not think they are awkward?? ;-)

Another side note here, when Daniel sat down to write his assignment he said to me, “Please leave me, I want to be alone.” He did not want me to help him at all. I could only find a math worksheet to compare at the moment. On that day he told me it was too much work to write out the words so I let him draw lines instead. This was at the beginning of January.

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01/17/13

Some Major Progress YAY!(Not Without Challenges) II

Continued from, Some Major Progress YAY!(Not Without Challenges) I

He has been putting in a lot of effort and energy at to try not to have outbursts. He does not want to have him. He has expressed that clearly to me. He does not like it, but this has been the only way he knew how to express himself.  He only started using complex sentences when he six, that is two years that he has been working on other language skills.

As he gains better language/communication skills, he is able to tell me these things more and more.

I do not expect past behaviors or coping mechanisms to change overnight. I do not expect it to one-day end. (I still have my own outbursts and meltdowns.) Yes, some of this started as a tantrum, but it escalated into a meltdown. There are moments that it can be controlled, to a point, and moments when it cannot.

It takes a lot of patience, empathy, and sympathy.

I do not always have them, but I try. Some days I am great other days I am not. This is hard for me because I do start to internalize and speak negatively to myself if I lose my patience. I know that Daniel does this to himself too when he has a meltdown or gets angry. I have learned to accept that emotions, reactions, and even behaviors cannot be thought of in extreme or black-and-white thinking. Daniel and I are both learning, thankfully, I have positive tools to help us.

When he woke this morning, it was as though he had a hangover.

Yet, he was still in good spirits everything was going well. Then, he and Joshua started talking about the toys, all I heard was Joshua’s innocent statement, “Well, Daniel you have the spider.” That was it. It took nearly two hours to get Daniel refocused and ready for school.

work_in_progress_by_dejco-d3hd34uDuring, that time Daniel expressed some very important things.

I was able to get confirmation of how I thought he internalized things. I heard firsthand how he was filtering through inaccurate perspectives, at least with this situation. I am certain that it is a regular occurrence, but I had not heard him say it aloud.

1. He told me that I caused him to become overloaded and that caused him to have meltdowns.

When I explained to him that I did not cause him to be overloaded, and asked him to recall all the times that he has responded this way, he realized the common trigger – these types of toys. It frustrated him, but he could not say that it was not true. I let him be frustrated and work through that.

2. He then, told me that he was broken. He did not understand why his brain was broken.

I explained to him that he is absolutely not broken. I continued to reassure him that none of this was his fault and that he had done nothing wrong when it came to the toys. I did address his behaviors toward me that were not acceptable. I made very clear distinctions.

3. He would calm down, but then, he would loop right back to the toys. He said things like, “I am never going to get it. I will always not have them.”

I told him the rule once again, about completing school and then, getting it for 15 minutes and that I did not say never or always.

4. He told me that he did not like that.

I told him his choices were 15 minutes after school was completed each day, or not at all.

5. He felt out of control again and I had to put him in his room.

It is an open area in the middle of the house, there are no doors, and it can be disturbing to everyone when he is upset. Joshua had a class that was about to start so I really tried to help Daniel calm down. It did not work, I needed a break, and David came in while I went outside for a minute. When I came back, Daniel was calm on his bed. I went to talk to him again.

6. He told me that I was too loud. He then, said, “I do not know why, I am broken. I do not know why my brain will not work.” and that he was afraid of daddy. (It is hard to know if I was actually too loud because he is highly sensitive to sound, Ariel and Joshua did not say I was so it could have been too much processing and sound sensitivity.)

He started to get upset with me again. I kept everything simple, direct, and reassured him. I then, scooped him up and took him to David’s office so we could take care of his fear right away. We explained again about the toys and that he did not need to be afraid of daddy. David reassured him and Daniel stayed and talked to him while I went to help Joshua with class. When I came back, David shared with me some other things that Daniel said.

He expressed again, that he did not know why his brain was broken.

David explained to him that he was not broken. He used the example of people who have a peanut allergy. He told him that they may like peanuts, but they cannot even get near peanut butter because it can cause them to swell up or get very ill. He told him that there is nothing wrong with them. Their bodies are just unable to tolerate peanuts. Daniel also said, “I do not know why I am different.” David told him how everyone is different. There is no one the same and it is good to be different.

When I came back, he seemed much better.

I asked him if he wanted to go eat breakfast, he agreed. I thought about what he was excited about this week. He was very excited about all of the items we got for OT sessions. I pulled out the putty and asked him to get the pennies out. I told him what a great job he did with all of those things he did with his OT. I pulled each thing he had done and told him what a great job he did and how awesome he is. He started to say things like, “I am so good at this. Look, mom, look at how I good I am.” Then, other things like, “I am good at a lot of things.”

I look at all of this and I have to say I am ecstatic.

I would prefer my child not to have to go through all of this. I would prefer not to go through some of this stuff, but it happens. I do not dwell on that. I am too happy that my son who has been unable to tell me how he feels IS telling me. I have the opportunity to help him! He does not have to go through life believing negative things. Well, they may continue to creep up, but if he feels able to talk about them that is one step closer to distinguishing between negative thinking and realistic thinking. I am so excited that he is feels comfortable enough to express himself. That he is gaining confidence. That he is excited about talking to others instead of, feeling as if he can’t. I cannot wait to hear what he wants to share next. It can be very challenging, but all of this is such wonderful progress for him.

It is too exciting to experience Daniel’s mind – it overrides any frustrations and gives me that boost to anticipate great things daily.

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01/17/13

Some Major Progress YAY!(Not Without Challenges) I

Since last week, Daniel had some significant changes happen with his communication. He has responded rapidly to his speech therapy. This past Monday, his OT session gave him a boost of confidence. The one-on-one time with the therapists has given him practice with communicating and he has immediately applied what he has learned.

He has been initiating conversation in his social skills group with the other kids and the teacher.

All of this has given him confidence in ways that I had not expected. It has given him the ability to articulate specific feelings or thoughts that he has been having that I was unaware of as well. His progression has been rapid and it is very exciting for him, his therapist, and ME! (Clap, clap, clap) Everything that we have worked on, such as other people’s emotions, past tense verbs, asking questions, and remembering names, things like that have opened up a whole new world for Daniel.

She has used stuffed animals and doll-like items to ask him their expressions, this works!

All of the other body language, moving eyes, lips, eyebrows, foreheads, voice tones, words etc… are eliminated and the expression is all that he has to focus on. This helps him a great deal. It has helped him express his own emotions, as well as being able to read some of our emotions properly.

fluttershy__s_yay_badge_by_zutheskunk-d3e8usbHe has felt so confident that he has shared with me what he is feeling.

I will get into that a little more in a minute. I want to share his amazing accomplishments with school first. During the first semester, Daniel would go to his virtual class, but refused to interact or participate. He seemed to get frustrated, but I was not exactly sure why. I felt that because he did not know how to interact and heard other kids participating, including Ariel who participates all the time that it made him feeling bad.

I was not sure, but now I know that is what it was.

I know that he had many thoughts running through his mind, but he could not get them to come out. He did not know how to tell me, or even what he felt himself. I know what that is like, not only is it frustrating, but it can cause serious self-esteem issues and anxieties. He is discovering his way of communication by using his special interests.

On Tues., he had his regular class, which happened to be math – we are doing geometry.

Daniel LOVES geometry. I used it to convince him to participate in class. He was excited and could not wait to talk to his teacher and answer some questions. It took a while, he waited (kind of patiently), but told me that it was taking too long. I messaged the teacher and asked if he could answer a question. She opened up the microphone for him to speak, BUT the connection would not work.

This problem has been happening off and on this week.

He has been frustrated, but worked hard each time to get refocused and try again. This was the last straw. He was so upset. It took so much for him to get to that point to try and then, the computer glitch just caused a spiral. I was so for sad him. I could do nothing else, but try to comfort him.

I reassured him and told him he could try again on Thurs. he agreed to try again.

I emailed the teacher what happened and told her that I was going to try to get him to try again. She was ready today. She let him answer the first question. HE DID IT! He said, “Hi,” talked to her a little bit, and then, answered the question. YAY! Woot! He was so proud of himself. His teacher told him how great he did and so did I.

These are some fantastic things.

I am so proud of him, more importantly he is proud of himself. However, there have been some rough times in the last two days. It opened my eyes to just how much he has been reading our emotions inaccurately. He has assumed any perceived negative emotions to be because of him.

Part of the reason for his rough time is because of all the progress he has been making.

It takes so much; he has been putting in so much effort, and succeeding. However, all of the processing leads to certain behaviors. One can be negative types of stimming. He was doing great, with the exception of the cotton balls.

That is until, yesterday after they received several boxes of gifts from one of their grandma’s.

We did not know what were in the boxes, had we known we would not have allowed them to open them until we could examine the toys. We were happy for the surprise gifts, but certain toys we simply cannot allow Daniel to have because of the unhealthy fixation that he has and the over stimulation.

There are certain types of toys that make him unable to control his behaviors.

They are like a bad drug. He cannot get enough, he will not stop until he makes himself sick, and he will spiral into meltdowns. I had hoped that it would turn out ok. I let him have two of the toys with the hope that if I regulated his time and he took breaks that he would be ok.

The toys caused him to become over stimulated and then, angry.

He stopped drinking, he stopped eating, he stopped going to the bathroom, and he refused to do anything else except play with the toys. It was a remote control car. It was loud, had wheels that lit up, and that spun very fast, along with a remote control spider that moved quickly and was very loud as well.

When they did not work the way he expected he got upset.

This happened several times throughout the day, escalating to the point of complete meltdown. I had no other choice, but to put the toys in the garage. I explained to him for almost two hours why he could not have the toys and the reasons that they affect him in negative ways.

He sobbed, screamed, and got angry with me.

He blamed me, claiming that it was my fault entirely. I continued to wait for moments for when I could explain and he was able to hear (understand) to me. Finally, I told him that I would let him see the toys for 15 minutes each, AFTER he completed his schoolwork. This was a satisfying solution for him.

He settled and went to bed for me.

I sat and stared at the TV because I was exhausted, but happy because he used new coping mechanisms to calm himself down. He took control of his actions on his own,chose to sit with me, and tried to listen. He also initiated an apology on his own.

I reiterate this is hard work for him.    

The rest of the story… Some Major Progress YAY!(Not Without Challenges) II    

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01/13/13

Can I Have A Do-Over Today?

This whole week I have been trying to write a post about anxiety, fear, and stress. I have been surprising calm, but I knew that my days were numbered. It was the first week back to school. I tried to keep up a schedule during the holiday break, but it was impossible. Let me just say it was overload madness up in this house for two weeks.

Granted it went well overall during the holidays, and the start of this week was going well too.

However, by Wednesday Joshua got some sort of virus and had uncontrollable poo issues. It manifested into a terrible, blistery rash, and I was cleaning him practically every 30 minutes for several days straight. He is better today, still in recovery, but his booty is better. In the mean time, Daniel was not ready to go back into his school schedule. I could not get him to attend one of his virtual lessons at all. Ariel did all of her work, but because Joshua was getting special attention, she would latch onto me at every break I got, talking about anything and everything.

On any other day or week, I would be fine with that.

This week not so much. Two of my worst issues with sensory is tactile and sound. Dealing with poo takes everything in me not to have a meltdown of my own. I managed to keep it together with that, but Joshua is extremely sensitive to pain anyway.

So this week, was extremely hard for him because he had a serious pain.

Whenever I cleaned him, he screamed. Joshua is already a loud fella, but when he is hurt, the screaming is continual and loud. Not only was I emotionally distraught because he was in pain, but between the poo and the screaming I was a mess. I also had to fight through the tears because I was causing the pain by having to clean him and put medicine on him. I did everything I could to be gentle and comforting. I did very well. I held it together; I must say I am impressed with my ability to handle this without a meltdown of my own… Not so fast.

See I have not had a meltdown, instead, it manifested into a full-blown panic attack.

Anxiety swept over me, I was consumed in irrational thoughts, and I freaked out internally. No one was the wiser. See I have become a master at being ridden with anxiety and panic without anyone noticing. Well, until it manifests through some other means. It can come out through snappy comments, darted looks, covering my ears, curling up in a ball, staring blankly, getting angry at dinner, or the house not being clean. It will force itself out through raging house cleaning and organizing. All sorts of ways, but I still do not deal with it.

Those are means of escape.

Today, looked promising, since Joshua was feeling much better, Daniel was happy a guy, and I had some energy back. As I tried for the hundredth time to take a break and write my post, the day started to falter by Ariel and Joshua arguing over semantics and Daniel getting furious with me because I would not let him play with cotton balls.

There is good reason.

The last time I let Daniel play with cotton balls he became obsessed with them and had to have them all over the house. If they were moved, he got angry. They became dirty and I needed to throw them away. It turned into not so fun days of explaining why they had to be thrown away and helping him calm down. NO COTTON BALLS.

The cotton balls situation was not pretty.

Finally, Ariel shared some stuffing from a pillow that she had to help sooth him. At that point, I was too overloaded to deal with it and thanked her for being so helpful. Let him have the stuffing – I am spent!

He was happy, he apologized on his own, and we went about our day.

I told David that I needed a break and went to take a shower. They are playing the Wii right now, and I am still trying to recover from everything. Yesterday, I was completely fatigued, this morning I was overcome with panic, and now I am plain exhausted.

My post is still not out and it is looping around in my head.

I still have not accomplished the new school system that I want to set up, or the motivational ideas I have for the kids. I am frustrated with not having all of these things done. I wish I could have a do-over, but I cannot.

I will not focus on that.

What I will focus on is what I managed to accomplish this week. I am happy that I managed to pull myself out of a panic attack and process my anxiety in a healthier way. (Let’s hope if it arises this week that I can do it again.) It is a big deal that I was able to manage my sensory stressors in the way that I did. I did several things differently this week. I changed my mindset and kept focus on the positives. In the past, I would have been upset that we did not get through school the way that I had expected.

Poo issues would have consumed my thoughts.

I chose to redirect my thoughts on reassuring Joshua. I continued to take my negative feelings and turned them toward helping him feel comforted. At one moment, I knew something was not settling well with him. Instinctively, I told him that other kids get sick like this too.

He looked at me surprised and said, “They do?”

I told him how everyone gets sick and it is nothing to be ashamed of, “Even mommy and daddy get sick like that.” His face brightened, he smiled, and he started laughing. It made me realize just how much my sensory responses can affect him.

I later discovered, that he was afraid he would get in trouble.

He has not gotten trouble for that, but in the past, I have had meltdowns due to poo and pee incidents. I did not mean to. Many times those responses were a mixture of other sensory, social, and emotional overloads all mixed. I never got angry with them for it. My words, such as, “OMG! I hate this, I cannot stand poop. Oh, no there is pee on the floor! Ahhh!” I have the same response when the cat has accidents. It freaks me out.

I have been trying to work on my sensory issues, at least my responses to them.

Some days it is hard. I have severe sensory issues. The two worst are tactile and sound, but smell, taste, and visual input are close behind. I have to learn how to manage them better. One way is voice that I need a break. David will be oblivious to anything until my overloads or anxieties start to manifest.

 It is very new to me to voice ahead of time my overloads.

I was not aware of what it was until Daniel was diagnosed. I quietly hid my issues until they would manifest, or I screamed with outbursts things like, “You have got to stop talking! Why are you eating so loud? What is that smell!!!” I have made many choice statements in the past.

I am not sure I will be able to control them all the time.

It is hard when your brain is in processing overload and you have no way to express it, or you have no idea what you are feeling until hours later. The reason I did better this week was that I prepared myself for the worst. I continued to script to myself that I was going to have to deal with it and that I needed to be extra sensitive to my child’s feelings.

He was under a lot of stress too.

Not only did he not feel well, but he was also still doing his schoolwork. I did not force him to work rigorously, but I could not let him get off schedule completely otherwise it would be even harder for him this week. My sensory issues are one of the major factors in my anxiety and often times my social confusion. It is the same for my kids; if I learn to manage my stressors better I will be able to help them.

I hope tomorrow starts off a lot better; Daniel is meeting with his new OT! (Hoping for the best!) :-)

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