I have really grabbed hold of the words “trust the process” when it comes to working through accepting things about myself that I have not before. I am trusting that I am changing, growing, and developing a more cohesive identity. I titled this “Loving The Process” because without putting trust into it there is no way it will happen and without trust you cannot love. Every challenge that I have been facing has been painful, I am not going to lie. I felt like my heart was going to burst from some of the things that I have remembered and relived. However, I know that it is not. I will be very honest here I had to go through this process of acceptance when it came to Daniel being autistic. I knew virtually nothing about autism, and it seemed scary. I was also scared because I related so much to him, and somehow knew how to help him once I stopped being in denial. I put trust in my ability now to accept what I need to do because I was able to change for him. I am trusting myself to do the work to change for myself.

The change is happening.

This last shutdown or meltdown if you want to call it that — I will be completely open here and tell what it looked like. When I say I lost my words, I mean that I lost them with most people. I could write, but I could not email or even leave the house. During my shutdowns/meltdowns I am fully capable of taking care of my children, doing school (most times), making all three meals, and snacks, keeping the house for the most part, and either I can consume large amounts of info or I can only watch TV and YouTube. I learned from an early age to control my shutdowns/meltdowns because I had to be ok for my mom — I had to be ok it was not an option. She had her own shutdown/meltdowns and I took the role of making sure everything was alright for her. As a child my mom did her best, but I was a handful and very confusing to her.

The problem with “controlling” them is (was) I get no release or ability to move on.

It still will manifest through some means eventually. When I am hit with social confusion, or say anxiety I will turn to helping people or directing all of energy to the kids and how to help them. I then hold everything in and explode through various ways such as tears or through going overboard cleaning the house in a mad frenzy. The good news this time around it did not last nearly as long as it has in the past. I did not spend additional days looping on it. When it was over my brain was finished with it as well. I did not feel guilt or shame, or stupid for my thoughts. One evening I did collapse on my computer sobbing, and did not stop for about 30 minutes. The reason being I was so overwhelmed with the thoughts of me not existing to people, and battling my mind between knowing that those words were not true and those words feeling so true.

When the initial sobbing started I received an email from a friend at that exact moment in the evening.

In the moment I received it I could not even read it with a proper perspective it took me several days to reply. My mind was consumed, but the email let me know that indeed I was not invisible at least not to them for that moment. Never underestimate a simple email, whether it is only a smiley face, two sentences, or several paragraphs. (If you feel the urge to send it do so because you have no idea who may be sobbing on the other side just needing that email.) After it was over I was fine, though I could not read any emails until the next day and could barely write anything for a couple of days. I also made sure that I did not completely cut off because that can cause deeper negative loops. I wrote to a friend with my few words and discovered they were going through a shutdown as well. We were in the same position and were able to bring some comfort to each other with what little words we had.

All of this may not sound so positive, but for me these are great things.

They helped me refocus, and place in my arsenal of new scripts how to spring back from loops that I am unable to stop. I have found that the most difficult task is the battle in my mind of what is true, and what is perceived true through my negative self-image. I have filtered through the negative image of myself for so long that it truly hurts my brain to tell myself it is not an accurate perspective. Even more good news, my self-image is changing for the better. I still struggle with that though it may be a life long thing, along with negative self-talk, but that is changing as well. I first had to realize that I was doing it, then that has prompted me to change how I talk to myself. I had worked on that regarding how I talked about myself out loud because I did not want my kids to hear me speak negative things about myself.

I had not made the connection that I was continuing to do it silently.

I admit I have had this revelation before about negative self-talk,  but did not have clarity about some ways that I continued to talk to myself. After this round of emotional “work through” I came up with a set of goals that I plan on accomplishing this year. I have six written down so far. I realized the other day that I set goals all the time. I set goals, but they are always directed toward things for the kids, or the house. I usually have my identity wrapped up in something that has not a lot to do with me personally. The goals I have set are specific to me. I admit I am both excited and hesitant about them, but they are good and though may be a bit challenging I can achieve them. I was really inspired by what someone said in a video, but I can’t remember where it is now. (I watched too much YouTube the other day.) She wrote out: “Document it even if you don’t think you’ll ever share it.”

I watched her video of a culmination of attempts, failures, and achievements in her process.

It helped me remember how important it is for me to keep record, to keep my writings, to keep my many thoughts filed away on my desktop, here, or in my drafts. (Current number of drafts 126 ) I can always go back and see where I was and how I changed. I admit the other day I was feeling like throwing everything out. I wanted to delete everything I ever wrote, and I didn’t want to write anymore. This is not new — this is a response that I have done my whole life when I feel too exposed or fearful about something. My writings have felt like something that I could control. I can destroy them at any time, or I can share them. I won’t do that not anymore, I have felt too much pain from the past few months about all of the things I threw away or destroyed in haste.

Live, learn, and be inspired.

Part of my loving the process is exposing myself to so many different thoughts and ideas. I have been very open to different views, and ways of helping myself because quite frankly what I did in the past did not work. I read numerous blogs from people with a vast spectrum of ideas. They range from ex-Christians, or Pagans to professional hooping. (My cousin hoops, I think that is the proper term. I hoop on the Wii. hee hee) I have been inspired by Atheist, Jewish, Christian, Muslim, and Agnostic mothers of autistic children. I am limiting it to recent reads, but I have been inspired by men and woman alike from all faiths, struggling with a belief of any kind, and no faith at all. My thoughts have been set on finding my own personal balance and awareness through reading about Buddhism, practicing yoga, and trying to learn how to calm my mind. I am unable to limit my mind to a certain group. I enjoy learning from all types of people, and that does help me find calm. I don’t know why it just does.

It is very difficult for me to mediate, but it seems to be very beneficial.

Whether you want to call it relaxing or meditating or I’ll just say finding some sort of quiet time. I have to work very hard at finding peace in my mind. I normally have to have a specific type of music, and lay on my bed in the dark. Or I will have to ride my bike, but I have not been able to for a while. I am currently in a cycle where I do not want to do any form of exercise and that is never good. It also doesn’t help that Daniel is refusing to go to bed unless I go to bed at the same time, so I am not getting any alone time.

Well except first thing in the morning.

It is part of the process looking for the things that work during each of my cycles. I find that a bit hard to accept though because I expect myself to be “on” all the time, but I am not. I am incredibly hard on myself and I am working on that, I guess that is part of the self-image thing. So for now as I am going through this process…a process that will be life long, I am learning to love it. I am learning new ways of thinking about myself, which helps me see others in new light as well. I am learning how to accept things much easier without trying to figure out so many of the “whys” and I am learning that sometimes it is good to stay in denial until you are ready to accept the changes that need to be made. It isn’t always the best thing to rip off the layers and stand completely exposed. One layer at a time may be much wiser.

Oh, come next month I will be taking adult ballet lessons. Yea!

It was one of my goals so I looked it up and lo and behold a studio only 15 minutes away offers them super cheap! Unbelievable. I admit I was not very hopeful about this town offering them or that the cost would be affordable. I was also apprehensive because any time I have made contact with places around here it has been an incredibly negative experience. I decided to try anyway and it turned out to be very positive. I am excited. VERY excited! However, I am still a bit cautious because I cannot think of one experience that has turned out well with these types of things around here. I am staying positive though. The reason for loving the process is to be able to look at it as a positive thing. It is good to change, and deal with problems when you are ready. It is a life long commitment if we don’t trust it or love the changes that come from it, then we will never want to take the risks we need to in order to develop into better people.

Change is good if it is progressing.

Had to share at least one more link. Lol!

How Do You Spot Negative Self-Talk?

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Part of the problem as well is I think everyone else has no problems. I fall into the line of thinking that people have not felt this sort of thing — I feel that mainly with people in my personal life. I look at them and think they have it altogether and want to know why I do not. I do not know how to separate my own feelings of not wanting to hurt anyone from expressing myself. It makes me ache so badly at the thought of telling someone what I am feeling and then see it hurt them, or make them angry. I do not know how to process my emotions or what I am feeling by hurting or causing anger in another person. I am willing to die a slow aching death inside instead of telling someone how I feel fully.

I have instead built walls.

Only later to explode with emotion trying to force people to leave or I become numb to them so that I can finally say what I need to. Then, I wait in anticipation because I do not know how they are going to respond. Somehow I have to train my mind to be able to speak up and say that my pains and hurts matter. I have to express it even if it does affect someone else in a negative way or they do not give a flying fahrvergnügen. (It popped in my head and sounded funny so I used it.) David has been exposed to my working through expressing myself it has been very hard for him at times. I seem to not be as affected when he expresses his emotions to me — I think it may be from my years of listening to others express themselves.

David had no idea that I have been so unhappy for all of these years.

He had no idea I had been depressed for years, especially when we lived out West. He had no idea I was holding on to a broken heart from a long time ago. He had no idea that I was hiding behind a shadow of him. He had no idea that I was hiding so much of myself all of these years. Honestly either did I. He has lived with me 24/7 for years now and he did not know. I did what I have done my entire life, I pushed back any of my doubts, fears, and questions for the sake of trying to make/keep people happy. It was not because he did anything to make me do that, I just assumed the role that I had been given since childhood. I pushed back all of my emotions because I did not think that they mattered, or that I was making them up. I am saying this again, that I would be rejected, or that I would hurt someone. I say “rejection” often because it is a big one, and as I have read around the blogosphere many people feel it.

I wanted everyone else to be happy, to the point of my unhappiness.

As I have taken a look at my past relationships with everyone I have seen many things with clarity. I have stepped away from denial and looked at them again — there have been true moments of understanding. This is hard for me to accept, but no matter how much they said they cared about me they still treated me like they didn’t. I have been an afterthought in many people’s lives that I have continued to regard as close and dear. The only way I can understand is by looking at them through a spectrum. One end of the spectrum is unconditional love the other end is complete hatred, most people fall into the middle even when they claim unconditional love. Maybe that is their definition of it. Maybe that is all they are capable of. Maybe my expectations are too high, but they have been too low for long enough so we’ll see how things go.

The focus has to be on the relationship.

Defining a relationship is a hard one for me since I have only known to suppress myself in them. I have read all kinds of things, I have written about it, and still my mind cannot grasp it. I guess I have to just look at the basics. Relationships are mutual in communication, trying to understand each other, sharing, being honest, and I believe acceptance is key. The other thing for a relationship to work is asking: “How does the other person define the relationship?”  I believe a lot of my confusion lies in, once again, my definitions of the relationships I have with people. I think my lacking theory of mind has caused me to believe that others feel the same way I do about them. The times that I discovered they do not or they do not place the amount of importance on things like I do, causes me to get hurt or confused.

I can confuse people because I am normally fine with limited contact.

I can go back and forth from not contacting at all to bombarding them with emails or fb posts. I don’t get upset if I do not hear from people all the time. I only get anxious when I am not sure what the relationship is. I can go months without talking to someone if I know how they feel about me. If I am unsure, I get loopy that is mostly with new relationships and family. An example is when I first became friends with someone online, both of us being Aspies with similar issues made it hard at first. We were both worried that the other would misunderstand, and leave. Or that we would offend each other, but after a month or so of us saying “I am not leaving, you cannot offend me, I fully accept you” we finally felt safe. (She rocks!) And that my friends is a loving thing to do for an Aspie.

I do see my patterns, but it may take a while to implement.

I think if I define what a healthy relationship is to me it will be very beneficial. I have spent so many years focused on what relationships mean to others. I know that if I no longer want to be hurt I need to change some things. I found a quote the other day that said: “I don’t know how to be someone that you would miss.” When I first read it I felt like it rang true with me, I felt like I wish I could be a person that someone would miss. The more I thought about it I got angry, and thought that quote may have it wrong. It should be something like: “It’s a shame you don’t know that I am someone to be missed”, or something much cleverer.   Actually Lisa from Alienhippy shared this quote the other day and I guess it makes it quite clear.

“Stop spending time with the wrong people. Life is too short to be with anyone who sucks the happiness out of you like marrow from a bone. If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room. Never fight for a spot or sell yourself to someone who overlooks your worth. And, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.”

 ~ Dr. Christiane Northrup~

I don’t know how to walk in this quote, but I will try…

I read this quote the other day too.

“The meek shall inherit the earth because the aggressive people of the world will trample their face into it!” Ouch!

Disclaimer: What I have shared may have repeating information about relationships, I cannot keep track of my roaming mind. If indeed you have read things from me that are the same or quite similar well just remember I can be very loopy. However, every loop I go through I get a bit more clarity so enjoy the ride.

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Before I go into this post, I would like to share that my source of shutdown this past week was triggered by numerous things. I completely forgot how fragile I am in January. I have triggers for this month, and no matter how great I feel during/after the holidays it is inevitable that meltdowns/shutdowns are going to happen. I am writing this to say to myself and anyone else who may be feeling what I am feeling “It is ok.” Holidays are a lot and we need release. My emotions were triggered even further by the feeling of being left out by my family. It happens every year, it happens when I am with them or not. The fact is, I do not think that I will ever feel comfortable with them. I need to accept that. The exception being my aunt that I love dearly and who means the world to me. She does accept me and our family the way we are. When New Year’s weekend came and went I was overwhelmed with feeling invisible.

Every year the family meets at her house for the New Year’s weekend to celebrate.

They celebrate Christmas as well at that time. As I saw the pictures of everyone, I got engulfed with emotions that I am not sure how to describe fully. It brought about fears and anxieties about moving back there. Shortly after that I began to feel as if my aunt was angry at me, or upset for some reason that I concocted. I tried desperately to stop the loops, but the thought of losing my aunt and then not knowing how things would work with us moving back consumed me. I went into a panic and emailed her. I was devastated when I had not heard back from her fearing that she indeed was upset, and I was not making it up. I forced myself to work through it, and came to the conclusion that I was overreacting and to wait it out. I got resolved in my mind, after my panic and shutdown of course. Long story short, for some reason my email did not go through until later in the week.

This is part of my process.

I am looking at and discerning my irrational thoughts.  I am deciphering who accepts me fully, and deciding what types of relationships we should have. In the past my only options were all or nothing. This is a damaging thinking pattern, especially when it is based on irrational fears. Although I will say that many of my fears are not unfounded, I have been treated like crap. I do not need to make my choices based on social confusion, or feeling far too inadequate to understand. I am seeking to base it on a balanced mind frame. I have been unable to share with my aunt the past three months what I have been going through. When I finally could write out my words, I was fearful of the outcome. I had no reason to be with her, but because of me being overly sensitive this month with emotions, sensory, and working through everything that I have been sharing on here, I could not think straight. All of that being said here I go.

Starting from the end of Faking Happy I

I do cause myself much pain by holding in my words, and not expressing myself to certain people in my life. I do not know how, and until I feel comfortable I am not going to. This one is very hard to work through because I have managed to fake being happy and hide my feelings for so long that I truly do not know how to express them with clarity. It makes it even more difficult because I am still unable to know what I am hurt, angry, or frustrated by specifically. I am not altogether able to pinpoint what it is that has hurt me or is hurting me. The only thing I can determine is that it hurts or it feels wrong. The only thing I know how to do is write them through poetry or fiction. I still am not able to figure it out right away.

I am also learning how to express myself when I feel happy.

I felt real happiness this last month. I was happy because I conquered some pretty big giants that were in my life. Now I am facing other ones. I mentioned that David took me to a ballet in 2008, he had no idea how moved I was until the other day when I voiced it to him. He knew that I liked ballet, my mom and sisters made darn sure that I got to go by insisting that they would watch the kids. I had never left them with anyone at that point for any amount of time. They knew how important the ballet was to me though. David knew that I would be happy, but he barely remembered it because my response to him seemed very subtle. He said he remembered that I sat there quietly through the whole performance, which is very unusual for me. He had no idea that I was so happy that I had tears of joy, or that it meant that much to me. I thought it was clear how much it meant to me.

I wasn’t. I only thanked him and talked about it a little afterwards.

He had no idea that I studied the booklet from the show, and then researched the group online. I didn’t share any of that. He didn’t even know that I kept it and the tickets. I had waited my whole life to see a real ballet group perform, and I felt too vulnerable to share any joy. Possibly since I had only shared with myself my joys for so long I didn’t know how. More likely it is both. David mentioned the other day that I did not cry about anything except for people I was praying for when we met. I actually didn’t cry until two or three years after we were together. It was after the twins were born. I think my tears came from being completely overwhelmed and exhausted from the changes of being a mother, taking care of the twins, being completely isolated, and Daniel not sleeping, crying/screaming for hours, not eating and various other things.

I was sleep deprived and had sensory issues from everything.

I didn’t know how to express any of that either. I couldn’t understand why I was having problems when so many other mothers seem to have no issues, and that is a whole other story. I do not know how to express myself to a person and not feel guilt or fear that they will reject me or my feelings. The scripts that I have are of people getting angry at me for voicing my emotions, or telling me that I was being foolish for feeling those things. Those are forms of emotional abandonment. I also get struck with the fear that they will leave because they think that I am too much or that my problems reveal what a mental case I am. I do not mean that in a bad way, please do not get offended I do not know how else to word it. I have not felt safe to share my real joys, or how much I care about things because people have hurt me when they discover my passions.

My problems are not any different from a lot of people.

To be continued in Faking Happy III (This got much longer than I anticipated…sorry. )

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I am coming out of a full-blown shutdown. (Good news it didn’t last as long as in the past.) I completely lost my words, was overwhelmed with emotions, and unable to think clearly. I am still working through my Faking Happy II post. It is a partial reason for my shutdown. The thoughts and evaluating relationships in my life was too much to handle. Another reason is the fact that I have to redefine what relationships mean to me. It is a very hard concept since I have only taken (most of the time) what I stumbled upon in relationships. I had no clear understanding that I could control who was in my life or how other people treated me. Many times I accepted people at face value, assuming that they did the same for me.

I accepted whatever people into my life without question.

I was under the impression that if they liked me or showed some sort of interest than we were friends. I was overwhelmed with the knowledge of how wrong that type of thinking is the past few days. In my last post I shared the Proust Questionnaire, and as I went through them I realized that I have shared a lot of these things about myself on this blog. I have been quite open on here without realizing it, there is still a lot more to me. I have my various hidden interests that I do not share a lot of because…well I would get too obsessive and the whole blog would turn into a special interest blog. I cannot allow myself to do that anyway because too much of my favorites things can make me disconnect from the real world. I have to keep a nice balance.

Ok, to the point of my title.

I never really thought of me having “crushes” on people per sa. I defined it strictly under physical attraction only. I tend to find people attractive, but not think much of it. I am too busy thinking of other things like what are they thinking about??? Who cares if they look great tell me what is going inside their head! I understand the premise of a crush from other people’s terms, but for me the emotional attachment that I get toward objects, songs, words, and/or characteristics in people is an intense emotion that I only know how to describe in the word crush. In recent months David has brought to my attention the many times I say how much I like someone, such as actors, musicians, chefs, scientists, mathematicians on and on. It does not matter if they are dead or alive I am crushin’ on them. Actually, I am not “crushin’” on them I am extremely attracted to their ideas, accomplishments, lives that they led or do lead. I am intrigued by their humor, their studies of interest, their words, and the aspects of who they are.

David has pointed out however, the numerous bald men that I seem to be attracted to.

I never knew I had such a pull toward bald men, but indeed I do. Most of them are not partially bald they are completely bald…usually or at least shave for the most part. (Tidbit “bald” in German means soon or shortly.) There are certain characteristics that are distinctive with each person. I choose to profess my liking for these people because they are normally very gentle in spirit, but passionate about things, they are thinkers, care deeply about right and wrong, are humorous, but still serious about this world, and they have multiple interests. There is more, but I will limit it to that. I must add here that the reason for my expressing my likes for people is a big deal because in the past I have not been able to. I found it very difficult for some reason. In recent months I have, and it is not limited to men. There are women I adore as well who hold the same characteristics. In most people this is a natural flow. They know who they like or admire, and why without much thought.

I have to think about why I like the person, and what the “feelings” are that I have for them.

I have been in relationships with people I could not stand, but I thought something was wrong with me. I never once thought about them not being good for me or me not being good for them. I have one person who is a family friend that I do not enjoy at all. The conversations they have are shallow, and fluffy. If it is not a frivolous conversation, then they turn it into what feels like gossip to me. They have confused me and made me feel icky every time I have been in contact with them. I have chosen to stay away from them because I either cause them great stress with my constant “Why are you saying that about them?” or “Well you can’t make that judgment without knowing what they are going through.” comments. It causes me to loop for days after I have been around them, questioning if I was wrong or if they were wrong.

It doesn’t matter we are not a good fit for anything more than a “Hi” and “Bye” relationship.

I jokingly told David that I was going to write a post about the people that I have crushes on. I later thought that it actually may be beneficial. He said: “Oh, I wondered why you had Patrick Stewart pulled up on the iPad.” Ok, I admit it I used to be a Star Trek: The Next Generation fan. (I know I said in the past that I was not a fan of Star Trek, I was referring to the original.) I watched it because I thought Captain Jean-Luc Picard was awesome! I admired Patrick Stewart as an actor as well.  The actors that I tend to admire seem to be British and Shakespearean. They also tend to do a wide range of roles. I do have a thing for Kevin Spacey I talk about him a lot. I also am quite fond of David Suchet and Colin Firth. They all hold characteristics that I admire, they are deeply involved in their causes, and they are very quiet about their personal life. Not to mention all of them are funny. (Look up “Patrick Stewart on Extras” on Youtube)

I think so anyway.

I have other people like Joe Bastianich he said the best quote “I was born to manipulate grapes.” He owns wineries. You can watch him here on Jimmy Fallon. I do like Gordon Ramsey too. Hee hee I confess that many of the people that I have crushes on are blunt, direct, and passionate about what they do, and love. I also noticed that they are not mean or rude. Nick Cave would be another person that I have a great fondness for. Some of them can come across as abrasive or rude, but when you read about their lives it is rich with stories that can move you.

I have shared some of the other people that I admire in my post “The Moon is Reaching for Me”.

I am very fond of Carla Bruni, and Martha Graham as well. I am not limited to my crushes — I am having a lingering crush on Dr. David Eagleman. I am currently reading his book as well titled SUM. It is 40 stories of possible outcomes for the afterlife, all fictional and quite entertaining along with thought provoking. I got a little freaked out by some questioning if I am living in my afterlife right now?!   I wrote a story about the moon being my friend the other day, and found it quite interesting that I discovered this TEDxHouston with Dr. David Eagleman today. He uses the picture that helped inspire my story and explains very well what I was trying to express through fiction. I find it fascinating what was discovered by the Hubble deep field experiment. I had been looking at the Hubble deep field pictures for a month before I wrote the story.

Maybe I crush on stars too?

Dr. David Eagleman is a neuroscientist who specializes in the study of time perception and Synesthesia. I have been following him for over a year now. Through him I also discovered The Long Now Foundation which I find very interesting as well. I could on, but I am sure that this may not be making any sense to anyone else other than me. My point, I do not have clear distinctions between my everyday feelings. I have been confused as to how to express love, hate, indifference, sadness, etc… I feel like my brain has gathered up some of these people that I would say I have a “crush” on because I am not sure how else to describe it. It gives me clear characteristics that I look for in people, but that I have not looked for in relationships in my real life. Or I have, but somehow ended up with people completely opposite.

As I write these out I see how I have managed to seek out people like this on the internet.

I have found some wonderful friends online who I feel posses these qualities, but not in the physical. I have tried, but then felt wrong or like I was being too hard on people. Another thing I did was try to challenge people to carry more of these characteristics that I like. If they didn’t I felt like they were rejecting me somehow. I am still processing all of this. I was not being very accepting of who they were because I saw so much more in them. However, if people are satisfied with who they are and where they are at I need to accept that. I need to evaluate my ability to be able to accept that, possibly I cannot because the potential I see in them is too much for me to bear.

I may love their potential, but not them.

I know that can sound horrible, but it’s reality. If I am unable to accept someone fully it is only fair to let go and let them have relationships that will. I say that for me as well, if they cannot accept me and only love the potential of what they would like me to be, well that is not very accepting. We have to be willing to accept people as they change or do not change as long as it is not a damaging relationship. I believe this has been a large source of my social anxiety. I am filled with anxiety because I have not defined what relationships mean to me.

I have not made clear the types of people that are good for me to be around.

Relationships are much like careers in my mind — they need to be enhancing and beneficial to both parties. It is good to have similar likes or interests and use that as a common ground. Actually that is a very important detail for me, but there is no need to be exactly the same. Through our differences we bring about new thoughts and changes in our thinking. People unwilling to accept differences are not people for me. I find that to be difficult to say, but the source of my social confusion is other people making me feel like I have to chose a group to be a part of. I do not. I enjoy all types of people. I can do well socially in the right circumstances.

I do know that I have a certain physical attraction to some of these people I mentioned.

There are some that I am more drawn to because of their facial features. David mentioned that I tend to only crush on people from the neck up. However, I am attracted to the clothes/shoes/accessories they wear as well. I find Joe Bastianich’s attire quite awesome. I also admit his death stare is fabulous! If you have seen the show Master Chef you know what I am talking about.  I noticed that many of the people I have a fondness for — tend to have eccentric clothing styles, or at least collections of such styles I am not sure how to describe it. This is true for the people in my reality or  the well-known people that through the limited knowledge I have collected I know that part of them.   I liked these pictures.

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I am still working through the second half of my Faking Happy post. In the meantime I read How To Know Another Person this morning and thought well this plays right into learning how to express myself (without fear). I do well in asking my kids questions and knowing them. I am very interested in them and I believe they know it. I do think I have done a good job with that. I think I need to apply it more so to myself as a good way to discover parts of me that I have lost. Not only that it can be a test for me to use with relationships. In true relationships people are willing to answer questions and they in turn ask you questions. My history with long-term relationships has been me asking questions, and either the person dominating with all of their answers or they give simple glossy answers.

Another thing that has happened is them asking me nothing.

This could possibly be because of my ability to dominate a conversation if I start talking about a special interest. If that is the case I completely understand, but the more loving thing to do would be to tell me instead of ignore me. I have no problem with people telling me that I am boring them with my talk about the Fibonacci sequence, or telling me that they do not want to talk about my cat for hours. I am ok with that. If you don’t want to discuss all of the connections that I have made for the day with the word shimmer, fine just tell me.   I will go write about it instead and we can move on in the conversation.

What about Marcel Proust you ask?

I will tell you, in the post I shared above he talks about the “Proust Questionnaire” and it got me thinking. I thought it would be a good idea for me to sit down and write out the answers to these and see what I really felt as I wrote them. It also made me think that I could use these as a gauge of people I would want to interact with. I do not plan on laying a list out when I first meet people and request answers from them, but I can use it as a guide. Do I want to know these things about people? Do they show interest in wanting to know these things about me? Are we mutually interested in each other? Do they answer evasively, not answer, or give direct answers? I want to know people. If I have let people in my life I expect the same amount of interest in me as I have in them.

I do not think that is a wrong thing to ask for.

I do not know why it has been so difficult for me to understand the common interactions between relationships. It has been a tedious task for me to work through my confusion in this area, but I am doing it. If I come up with a series of questions it could also help me discern people that I do not want to know better.  They could be great people, but not great for me and vice versa. It has nothing to do with me or them we just don’t fit. I think that could be very helpful to me. I can’t believe I am a grown woman putting into practice the things that I am teaching my kids. I will not think on that it is widely known that a good way to learn is to teach. I will think of it as my growing and learning process. I am never too old to learn anything including social skills!

Part of me working through some of these posts is to help me define what relationships mean to me.

I normally do not share some of the harder posts until I have worked through quite a bit. I have been processing what relationships are for over a year now. It started after my last catastrophic encounters at church in 2009, but it has taken this long to even get to this point. I believe a lot of that has to do with me living in denial. After looking back at the people I would have called friends there, quite honestly I would not have asked them any of the questions listed below. I am not sure many of them could answer them. I am not digging at them as people it is true many of them could not think of poets, or composers. It was not because they were unable or incapable of it they chose to limit themselves and doubted their own abilities to think for themselves. I did not fit because I was constantly challenging them to think for themselves without even realizing it.

I am going to write down my own answers, possibly share in another post.

Maybe you would like to play along. Share if you like. I admit that it is difficult for me to only pick one favorite of anything. There are too many greats!

Here are the questions from the post I mentioned. They may be a bit more relevant for our day, but I do like the Proust questionnaire and will be going through it as well.

James Lipton’s Ten Questions:
What is your favorite word?

What is your least favorite word?

What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally?

What turns you off?

What is your favorite curse word?

What sound or noise do you love?

What sound or noise do you hate?

What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?

What profession would you not like to do?

Proust Questionnaire

Your most marked characteristic?

The quality you most like in a man?

The quality you most like in a woman?

What do you most value in your friends?

What is your principle defect?

What is your favorite occupation?

What is your dream of happiness?

What to your mind would be the greatest of misfortunes?

What would you like to be?

In what country would you like to live?

What is your favorite color?

What is your favorite flower?

What is your favorite bird?

Who are your favorite prose writers?

Who are your favorite poets?

Who is your favorite hero of fiction?

Who are your favorite heroines of fiction?

Who are your favorite composers?

Who are your favorite painters?

Who are your heroes in real life?

Who are your favorite heroines of history?

What are your favorite names?

What is it you most dislike?

What historical figures do you most despise?

What event in military history do you most admire?

What reform do you most admire?

What natural gift would you most like to possess?

How would you like to die?

What is your present state of mind?

To what faults do you feel most indulgent?

What is your motto?

Proust answers can be found here The Infamous Proust Questionnaire.

 

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David made a statement to me the other day that shook me quite a lot. I cannot recall his exact words for the whole statement, but it was something like: “You have the ability to stay in long-term relationships completely unhappy, and no one knows it except for you. You assume that you have voiced or expressed your unhappiness clearly, but in reality you seem perfectly fine.” I felt the tears well up in my eyes, as I stared at him feeling the truth of those penetrating words. Those words have been swimming around in my head since he spoke them to me. My thoughts have been filled with the pierce of what those words meant to me. He was not being mean to me — he was stating the obvious to me. I thought that I had been expressing myself all of these years. I assumed that others knew that I was in emotional pain, angry, or frustrated. The revelation of people being unable to read me did not hit until he said that.

My best friend that I mentioned in a previous post, I was not happy with.

She and I were not good together. It was a clear co-dependent relationship that manifested because she wanted to escape her home life and I wanted a live-in person that I could talk to all the time. I was a teenager in desperate need of a person to help me with social situations. I did not know what a friend was either. I had damaged many of my friendships with my quirks and oddities or social confusion, and shutdowns where I would cut them off completely. Or my so-called friends treated me poorly, and eventually I figured it out and cut them out of my life. I did not know what friendships were supposed to look like. I did not have examples of healthy romantic relationships either. I assumed that since these people were with me all the time that they knew how they were hurting me, and that brought about feelings that they were doing it on purpose (some actually were). I would then take on the responsibility for their mistreatment thinking that if I could only do better or be nicer then they would stop.

I assumed if you were good and nice, you would win people over.

I read this Are You Teaching People to Treat You Badly? recently. It explained that type of thinking is actually rewarding bad behavior. If you continue to allow people to treat you poorly and reward them with acts of kindness, they will continue to treat you poorly. Most likely it will escalate and you will lose all sense of your self-worth. I read this last night The Sad Art of Gaslighting which opened my eyes to many people throughout my life. I have always thought that I seem to be drawn to manipulators – part of that is true. In reality they seek people like me out once they see how easily it is to manipulate me. I have spoken about this before, but in the past I have had spouts of feeling like I have completely lost myself.

This time around I am not allowing myself to sink back into an old pattern.

My pattern is to worry and be so afraid of hurting others that I will not allow myself to be me for long. I get so fearful of rejection that I stop talking about the things I love. My negative experiences with people responding toward me about my special interests caused me to only pick “safe” topics to talk about. I wrote a post back in 2010 where I shared about many of the things that I loved, but I cut them out of my life. I started to step out again regaining some of myself back in 2001-2003. However, the feeling of rejection from people caused me to stop again and I allowed my fears to take control. I once again embodied a legalistic view of my beliefs so I could control what I felt.

I see now how I purposely chose to isolate myself from the things I loved.

In that post, I talked about how I remembered my love of music, art, movies, etc…what I failed to mention was that I would only allow myself to enjoy certain ones, even in 2010 up till more recently. I chose only the ones that were safe and would not make me feel too much. If I felt or relived any past experiences, I would have meltdowns, and I would not be able to explain why. I purposely chose certain groups of people to surround myself with so that I would keep myself in check reassuring me that R-rated movies were bad, that I should not listen to secular music, that I shouldn’t read certain books, or learn about science.

I used it as a way to keep control of my world, much like alcohol and anorexia.

They both helped me not to feel, though I desperately longed to. David did help me work out of my one form of control that I used by constantly limiting my mind to isolated specific subjects and sources. His “that’s a load of crap” attitude helped me come out of some damaging thinking patterns about gaining knowledge and allowing myself to think freely. The groups that I chose had a very “anti-intellectual” mindset. I discovered that intellect is not evil and thinking for myself would not lead me down a path to destruction. The unspoken rule was I should never indulge my questioning mind and should trust their “spiritual” intellect. I find it rather ironic now to think that one thinks trusting reason is wrong while trusting emotions is the ultimate source. Reason and logic can be solid, emotions are fleeting — I think that is why I have had such problems with them. I read 10 Ways to Enhance Your Emotional Intelligence that helped me quite a bit as well.

They can be crafty…those manipulators.

I did not last long in that environment. I always end up lashing out in a meltdown or I go into complete shutdown. I continued to try to stay in them throughout the years, but no matter how hard I try, I always go against the grain. I am not able to conform I can only fake it for a while. Not allowing my brain to venture out in multiple subjects, and learning makes me depressed. I knew this so instead of consuming what I wanted to, I gathered information that was allowable through their perspective. My lack of social understanding caused me to teeter back and forth from having out of control outbursts to keeping everything in and harming myself. The majority of the time my outbursts were directly related to my inability to hold it in any longer. I did (am learning) not know how to communicate my feelings, and I felt like if I did, then I would be rejected. I did the only thing I could to survive, I hid them, rejected them, told myself that they were not real.

I felt incapable of learning social dynamics because I had failed so many times.

I believe after reading The Trouble With Bright Girls I could resolve that I not only did this with education, but social learning as well. I felt like I was incapable of ever learning what was going on with people, and relationships. I would always turn to another person to show me the way. I would take on their social character traits.   This pattern would make me feel like a liar, a fake, and that would cause inner turmoil. I did not know how to express that I felt like the “real” me was wrong so I had no choice. I would have severe anger outbursts because of this confusion and frustration. My outbursts would ultimately lead to me cutting people off and being alone again, or them leaving me. I would hit a point where I could not fake it anymore, and I could not take them constantly manipulating me. It was far better to be alone than to have them in my life, this includes family.

I have cut them off, and gone back to them numerous times throughout my life.

I only learned to voice my pain and frustrations through exploding. This is a learned behavior because I was unable to express my true feelings. If I did express myself I was not comforted or validated by what I felt. I was told to get over it and move on. I was told that I was overreacting or how I was making the other person feel. I would be devastated if someone told me that my feelings were causing them pain. I would never tell them anything that I was feeling again to spare them any pain. I tried to control my outbursts as much as possible, I internalized. However, at some point my mind would make me realize that something was wrong. I was not being treated fair, and when I tried to express myself they would tell me things like I was making it up or that I didn’t understand. Somehow my feelings got drowned out, and were proven to not matter.

I was also mocked, or told that I was foolish for my feelings.

I learned to suppress my feelings so deeply that no one could know what I was truly feeling. My added issues of not understanding my own emotions caused many negative loops. I was unable to move forward because I felt like it was wrong that I was not allowed to express myself, but I also didn’t know what I was feeling. It has been even more difficult because I did not understand the majority of what was happening to me it just felt wrong, this increased my confusion and anxiety. I just had to make everything go away so no one else was affected by my issues. I continue to hold things in and not say anything. I have been doing really well at working through this, but I am unhappy about things and I am hurt.

I am hurt by people in my life, and I am hurt by myself.

Faking Happy II soon to come….

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I had to go to Target this morning and on my way there I felt like turning on the radio instead of listening to a CD. This song came on Blind Melon – No Rain  I did like Blind Melon, my boyfriend at the time did not. I like the video too for the yellow tutus. There is a story with the song that always makes me laugh. I was living with my mom, it was right before this boyfriend and I moved in together. She had moved to another town about 30 minutes away. I had to go with her because I had no car, and no place to live. I still worked 30 minutes away. There were good things about this boyfriend one was that he would drive out to get me and take me to work every morning. Well he would be coming home from his night out at the clubs — some of them would stay open until 6am. I had to be at work at 4am at the time.

Too much information, I know.

One evening he came over instead of going out and was all zealous about the news. How did I not know what was going on? My mom did (does) not allow the news to be on in her house. He turned on the news and there was the white Bronco chase. O.J. Simpson was blaring on the screen being chased. We watched the unraveling of events. He ended up staying the night, no monkey business in my mom’s house, we fell asleep. I had the Blind Melon CD in my player and didn’t realize that it was on repeat. Both of us kept waking up throughout the night and every time we did the No Rain song was on. I had the whole CD on repeat along with two other CD’s in the player, but for some reason we both continued to wake up at the same time to the No Rain song.

It took a very long time to ever listen to that song again.

We both were over it by the morning. When he contacted me years later, it was one of those funny stories that I think only we can appreciate. I like having those songs pop in on me they help me remember the good memories because there are good memories too. It also helps me remember that people change, and just because their actions may not always reflect how they feel they can still care. June 17, 1994 forever tattooed with Blind Melon and O.J. Simpson in a white Bronco. I will not even comment about the whole O.J. thing tragic and enough said about it. The song lyrics did mean a lot to me until it got “played, so played“. They still mean a lot I suppose since they make me smile. I will keep my cheeks dry today…

Because I am SO laughing at this image.

Autistics Do It Better

Just yesterday while making Daniel banana and yogurt, I voiced my complete contempt for bananas. I do not like the shape, the texture, the smell, the feel…nothing. David had comments flying around his head that he did not share thankfully, but he was laughing pretty hard. I think the “Autistics Do It Better” post is a good one to read, the taboo of sex and talking about it is a bit dated. There are so many people who feel uncomfortable about it, and there needs to more open discussions. Let me say:”safe” open discussions without judgments and condemnations. I am so thankful for writers like him stepping out and writing these things. It not only helps me prepare as a parent, but this will only make life much easier for my kids. I won’t talk about my issues with all of that, I am just happy my kids will not go through what I have.

Yes, 78% happy and 22% sad today, I do like 22.

Who would have thought writing out things while not in denial would make me feel so much better? I guess at this point you should just nod and smile, but only after you read my side note.

Side note: I didn’t realize that the in the image of “Autistics Do It Better” he has a condom on the banana, that made my banana story even funnier to me. My subconscious just played a joke on me. Please don’t get offended at bananas with condoms.

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Yes, hello sadness cycle there you are…Ironically every time I am in my “happy” cycle I tend to fool myself into believing that it will last. I was debating whether or not I wanted to “out” myself since I have been on such a good run, but the truth is, I fooled myself. It is an odd occasion where I am not feeling both happy/sad at the same time. I should start charting the degrees of what I am feeling. Today I am 51.8% sad and 48.2% happy. I am being consistent. It was not until yesterday, when I felt completely overwhelmed and started to have thoughts of not mattering to people that I realized this is truly a pattern of mine.

The things leading up to my current feelings are very clear.

I have exposed myself with information that I feel is making me naked in front of the whole world. I then, felt foolish over the things I shared. I felt like it was silly to feel exposed over what type of music I like or that I always wanted to go to the ballet. Most people do not find that exposing at all. However, to me I am sharing things that by my now expression of liking them is more intense. I have the feeling that NOW everyone else will know what I am thinking or feeling. I have voiced my liking for things before with no real consequence to me because I kept hidden my true feelings in my mind. Once I openly confessed how much I cared for something in my recent posts it was like my words revealed the real me, but to other people they were just words. I tend to forget that people do not think of them like I do.

Words and music are very personal things to me.

Many times I feel like I have closer relations with them than people…Ok, I actually do. I have deep attachments to some of these things that I have been sharing lately. Then, after I have shared them I relived past meltdowns/shutdowns, and other experiences about some of the things that I have exposed. Once those enter the picture I feel guilt or shame, or the worst possible feeling in the world for me — stupid. If I spiral down to the point of feeling like an idiot, well then I have mastered my perfect point of depression cycle.

I am not there yet, but that is also the reason for this post – to stop it.

What makes me feel stupid? It is not the feeling of lack of intelligence about certain topics, or questioning my ability to think and reason through most things. It is not about my ability to be educated, or feeling that I lack the ability to regurgitate information acquired in an articulate manner. No, it is not that at all, though what I am about to say does trigger doubt in my intellect sometimes. It is feeling like I am being made fun of, being misunderstood, treated poorly, feeling like I am misunderstanding others, and I cannot figure out what it is true or not. It is wondering if my aunt is angry with me for some reason though I have done nothing to make her angry, and if she was she would tell me. It is feeling anxious because I did not call my dad and step mom on Christmas because I couldn’t from social stress. It is the feeling of being invisible with all of my family members on fb while they are all “living” it up with each other and nary a Merry Christmas or Happy New Year sent my way.

I did email my dad that was all I could do.

David skyped his dad and step mom and, then his mom and her side of the family and I could barely get off of the computer long enough to say: “Hi”. My mom was here when David skyped his dad so I could say: “Hi” and not have to worry about talking very much. David did thank me for my feeble attempts to be social though I am a good faker in that area it tends to eat at me and gnaw at my insides until I crack. I have another post that I have been working through titled “Faking Happy”. There is a statement in there from David that I believe is worth sharing more than once. He said to me several days ago: “You have the ability to stay in long relationships completely unhappy, and no one knows it except for you.”

Yea, that spun me into several paths of thought.

It also brought tears that were completely unexpected. I can go through all of my long-term relationships and see this, with family, friends, ex’s, and even in my workplace. I was willing to work to the point of my complete illness both mental and physical because I did not want to hurt my bosses or upset them. These were bosses who used my abilities for their gain and did not treat me right at all. I remembered the last boss I had at a major retailer. We had an agreement I would come to his store if he got me in to do another round of what they called “Round Robin” sessions. The Round Robins were a day involving three sets of interviews with usually three executives all at the same time including store managers, district managers, and the Human Relations district manager. The regional manger would be there for certain positions. It was very challenging, and not the best thing for a person with anxiety issues or Aspergers. If I had known then I wouldn’t have been so hard on myself, and felt like such a failure.

I had gone through them twice already, and felt I could finally do well through them and get promoted.

There is a whole story with all of that, but basically my anxiety would get the best of me and my true self would not show. They always commented about me “not looking them in the eyes” and felt that I was too insecure and timid. HA! Me timid? I may be a lot of things, but when it comes to work I have never been timid. I was good at every job I did there and I knew it. I was a good trainer and most of the time a good leader when I did not have to deal with social nonsense.

Back to the story, I had been working over night for several weeks and was out of the loop.

I came in one morning to discover that the Round Robins were going on that day. My boss failed to tell me, and he did not even sign me up. He forgot about me even though he had been walking with me every night, complimenting me, and was even amazed at the amount of work I had accomplished in such little time. The people who I was talking to could tell that I was beyond upset, I asked where he was and they told me that he was part of the interviewing sessions.

I walked out.

They tried to stop me and calm me down, but I was done and I was not coming back. I sobbed uncontrollably the whole way home. I sobbed for hours, and I did not leave my bed. I felt such excruciating pain in my body that I cannot even describe. I felt broken. I felt rejected, invisible, and I could not understand why someone could not care the least little bit about me when I had poured my life into that store for him. Well for the company, but I was devoted to him as a boss. It triggered every moment in time where I put my trust in an authority figure, proved my loyalty and abilities only to feel trampled on and ignored. He called me leaving messages for me to come back, I did not pick up the phone I heard his messages on the machine.

I did come back and he apologized over and beyond.

He was honest in telling me that he didn’t have a good reason he had just forgotten. He forgot me. Do you know what that did to a person like me? It solidified the already pounding voices that had told me I did not matter. My hard work and over 60 hours a week that I put in did not matter. The fact that I drove 45 minutes to work, was there on time, stayed as long as he needed, fixed things in other departments for team leaders who were not fulfilling their job duties, and spending my days off if needed there…did not matter. My reactions may seem a bit extreme, but it triggered a lot of emotions at the time. I was also still deeply wounded by past relationships where the men in my life made me feel as if I didn’t matter. I got over it, I understood his reasons.

He did have a lot going on.

The positive that came out of it was that I did not have to go through those series of interviews ever again! He felt awful, and since I had already gone through them twice, he was on the committee, and I had proved my abilities and how capable I was I got promoted anyway. They also could not locate my previous reviews that had stated that I needed more “growing”. It was strange. I look back on some of my situations where I felt completely devastated by things like that and see how a lot of the times they ended up working out in my favor. It does not take away the feelings of rejection, the feelings that I was not even thought of was extremely painful, I still feel it today. I do not know how other people handle these types of things. I do not know how people get over these thoughts, or when the sting of familiar feelings hit how do they not relive them.

My mind has to work double time to cope with this stuff.

I am nowhere near where I used to be, and that is a positive. I read several posts yesterday from the blog Life with Aspergers about Aspergers and depression. I cannot tell you how much these posts helped me. I combed through them and applied what I was learning. I discovered my biggest problem is much like my anxiety problem was I have not accepted this cycle. I finally accepted my anxiety which has helped immensely. Even though I have confessed my understanding of the cycles, I still have not accepted all of them fully. I had hidden thoughts that somehow if I had the information that it would miraculously disappear. I am not talking about being in severe depression — I know the difference between that and my cycles. I would go to a doctor if I was feeling that way. This is the depression that comes and is triggered by certain things, but I know that it will go soon enough.

I get negative thoughts, but mostly because I hold in my hurt, anger, or frustrations.

I also can cause myself a great deal of stress by fixating on my confusion. I will start to think things like I shouldn’t post ever again, or share my poetry, or walk out of my house because what does it matter anyway. I begin to believe that people do not want to hear from me ever again. I have images of family, and friends rolling their eyes at my emails or comments. I then think they only reply because they feel obligated. I start to tell myself that I need to clam up. I need to wither away into my own small world with no social contact so that I will not feel the social confusion, or anxiety.

It’s funny as I am writing these out and sharing them I see how silly they sound.

That reveals to me how I should not waste time on these kinds of thoughts or worry about things like whether my family even knows if I exist. I have accepted this cycle and I can already feel some of the silly thoughts leaving me now. I confess though they feel real, but I know that many of them are not. I am going to listen to this song for a while ACCENTUATE THE POSITIVE~Johnny Mercer & The Pied Pipers and work through some of these thoughts. I am tired of faking happy. Tomorrow I will shoot for 68% happy and 32% sad…my gradient of joy. My acceptance of the depression (sadness) cycle is a healing process for me with my acceptance comes the ability to think of new ways to handle and process it. I am exchanging unhealthy patterns for new healthier ones one layer at a time.

If you have not read these I highly recommend them they are great resources.

Aspergers and Depression

Asperger’s and Depression – Part 2

Asperger’s and Depression – Part 3

Asperger’s and Depression – Part 4

This post from another blog helped me too.

Managing Your Anxieties and PTSD

And another song because I think Kevin Spacey is tops!

Also because I was listening to the soundtrack of Midnight Garden of Good and Evil…maybe that made me sad? No, it was a series of things including sensory stuff. Without further ado I give you “That Old Black Magic” performed by Kevin Spacey who always makes me smile. (I loved him in Se7en, another favorite…Big surprise!)

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I love ballet. It brings me a peace that runs through my body. When I was a child, during Christmas I would make my mom watch The Nutcracker every year. She would fall asleep. I would get sucked into watching the dancers. I felt comfortable watching the dancers. I did not need to figure out what they were thinking, they had perfect still faces. Their bodies told the story with art. The imagery around them and the music expressed what I was supposed to experience. The music made my imagination go wild with dances in my own mind. If there was ever anything on about ballet I was as close to the TV as possible. It just happened that the public broadcasting network where we lived did do quite a lot of ballet presentations. I am not sure why. I also recall several programs on Mikhail Baryshnikov who my mom did not mind watching.

I did want to be a ballet dancer, but it wasn’t in the plans for me.

That doesn’t mean I didn’t (can’t) dance at home. After losing my childhood fantasy my next one was to go to an actual ballet. In 2008 David took me to see a Russian Ballet Group. They performed a medley of dances from well known ballets. The theater was small and freezing, but it was quaint. When the first dancer came out, I was struck with her perfection. Her strength and beauty, along with flawless performance being enhanced by her amazing costume brought tears to my eyes. I sat in awe and was consumed throughout all of the performances. I remembered my eyes barely blinking and my heart thumping feeling as though these dancers are too grand and dynamic to waste in that theater. Then I thought how thankful I was that they were willing to share their art in such a tiny theater for my eyes to experience.

I hope to one day see a full length ballet.

I also hope to see an opera, an orchestra perform, a play, and a huge awesome museum one day. It is ironic to me that I have not experienced these things when they are so dear to my heart. I have read about them my whole life and even watched them on TV. I have experienced other people’s reactions through movies, as well as asking real life people to describe it for me, but I have not experienced it. I want to feel the live music of a violinist sweep me away. I want to experience the woodwinds, brass, percussion, and strings all together reaching in my ears and penetrating the insides of me. I want to experience what it is like to watch Swan Lake being physically surrounded by the music and watching the dancers. I want to live in the moments of Giselle as she and Albrecht dance and then watch her fade into the forest.

As I think of plays I cannot decide which I would want to see.

I would treasure the experience of any I think. I live through the internet experiencing all of the museums I would like to see. I adore Egyptian, Greek, and Roman artifacts, but I have so many other things as well that I love to stare at and admire. I could live in museums as well as a bookstore, a lifetime of being swallowed up in all of the history. I could live happily for an eternity with each passing decade of time soaking up the history, their lifestyles, their art, and all of their lives from disasters to great achievements. I wish I could get my brain to gather it all up and remember everything!

My dreams of experiencing some of these things can be more of a reality once we move.

There is just not much of that around here, or the facilities to do it. Most of all I hope for the kids to experience these things, as they get old enough to appreciate them. I hope they get to experience a great ballet or play at least once in their young life. At first I was not exactly sure what triggered all of this. Then, it hit me. I had people in my life, friends and otherwise who did not enjoy these things. I had to hide my wants and desires and pretend that I didn’t care about them. My childhood was spent reading and imagining what it was going to be like one day to experience these things. As I grew older I felt unworthy to even think I should have thoughts of experiencing them. I felt like the lowly theater that I had watched the magnificent ballerinas perform in.

Even my eyes and ears were not allowed to experience this kind of beauty.

My mom did take my sisters to such things later when she was able to afford it, but I was living in another state by then. My third boyfriend loved these things, but for some reason we never went to anything. As I recall he did not take me anywhere. He would go to such prestigious things without me. I am not sure why, but I felt like he was embarrassed of me. I felt like I was not “classy” enough to participate. I do not know if that is true, but based on his actions and words I came to that conclusion.

 I stopped listening to any sort of instrumental music for a long time.

I convinced myself that I did not like it. I would not allow myself to listen to any of the great composers or any of the most recent treasures that tap the ears nowadays. If asked about classical music I would often say that I didn’t like it, much like many things that I just did not want to talk about. I believe classical and instrumental music caused too many triggers about dancing, and the things I didn’t feel I could experience. The music does open up my imagination and creates dances in my mind. They unleash poetry, and images that I would not allow myself to have. The people that had been in my life did not understand music like that or the significance of listening to an opera in all French or Russian. It melts my heart to think of it as I write. I could have experienced these things when I lived in a big city, during my young adult life, but I just didn’t.

I didn’t allow myself.

I didn’t want to feel. It is the same reason for not allowing me to read, or to write. I did not want to feel or experience things that made me happy because they were wrapped up in too many things that made me unhappy. I had been stripped of dignity and self-worth for so long that I thought I would taint such beauty in the world. I knew that I could be around nature and its beauty because the rain would cleanse it. I was allowed to talk to the flowers, the trees, the waters, and the animals because they could not be tainted. I have no idea how I twisted in my mind that music, art, and any form of performing arts were not allowed as a reality in my world. David has experienced many of these things, I am not jealous, but I have interrogated him for his experiences many times to live through them. I live vicariously through his stories of him and his ex-wife (She is German so I enjoy hearing about her, she also sounds like a really good person.) on their adventures across Europe, visiting her family all across Germany, and going to plays, operas, the symphony, and whatever. It sounds so lovely.

There are actually several things that triggered these thoughts.

I will not go through all of the connections, but one was this video that I thought was great. Pretending to be normal: A photo story of Asperger’s Syndrome. I have also been informed by my mom that she is taking me to Savannah, GA for my birthday that is in a few months. We will be going for the whole weekend! I have always wanted to go there. One of my other favorite movies takes place there Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil . Oh, I still have not read the book, I think I might. I am so excited, and worried. I have never left the children for any longer than a few hours. She told me ahead of time so I can prepare myself, them, and David. I am the main issue I think.   I can’t wait to experience what it’s like there. There are so many things to see! The other cool thing is that my mom will get to experience the things that she loves, since we both tend to be history buffs. She has only gone with my sisters and grandmother. All three of them do not like to walk around a lot, their main interest is food, and they do not get excited by the history of places.

The last time my mom and I were alone doing anything like this was before my first sister was born. 27 years?! Wow!

We are going to have a magnificent time. I can’t wait to see all of the graveyards! Oh, yea! Yes, I am clapping and typing and saying: “Yea!” out loud. Our main problem will be remembering to eat — we’ll want to see and do as much as possible. It will be a real test for me as well with leaving the children with David…alone. It’s not that I don’t trust him — I am not really sure what it is. Hmm…Control issues? Possibly, but I do not want to talk about that right now. I know it will be fine, it is just new and a new step into my independence as well for the children and David. After thinking about it a bit more, I feel stolen experiences whether stolen from yourself or others can quite possibly be taken back, depending on the experience of course. We can also change them, enhance, and turn them into some other grand experiences. Woot!

Until I get to experience some of the things I wish to I will gladly watch (listen to) them on YouTube.

Waltz of the Snowflakes Royal Ballet

Saint-Saens – Introduction & Rondo Capriccioso (Perlman)

Smithsonian

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It is no secret that my mind is constantly going. It never stops, even in my sleep it seems to be trying to explain things to me. Apparently I am supposed to have listening ears, and I am gaining some major ground in my independence and creativity. Well according to some dreams interpretations, I can interpret it that way because I do like cats. If I did not like cats it would be a completely different outcome. I do like looking things up from all kinds of sources, but I know that the bottom line is my brain is processing what I already know.

The question is if I want to listen or not.

My dreams have managed to wake up some memories that I had forgotten. Many were traumatic, but I am in a good place to work through them. A main reason for this is gaining the understanding that you are allowed and validated in calling out the wrongs that have been done to you. It is valid to say that you are angry, upset, or affected emotionally in some way by what people have done. Realistically I know this, I teach my kids this, and I give them a voice to speak openly. I am constantly telling others the same thing, but for some reason it has not applied to me. I have said that it does, but I did not accept it. I still held on to guilt about speaking out my fears, anger, hurts, and even joys.

It was a huge revelation to me to comprehend that it does not have to be black-and-white.

I watched a program where they were doing intense therapy, I was very happy to know that I have been on the right track with my own healing. I also got confirmation that in these months that I have been doing this emotional work my sudden outbreaks of emotional devastation and crying spurts are very normal. This has been hard to accept for a person who has not allowed true release while shedding tears — they were just salty waters that fell. The trauma and pain was still trapped inside a locked box. It also revealed that I had been in denial for years, which can cause you to think that you have dealt with things when you actually have not. Or that there was (is) no problem at all.

This explains my repeating loop pattern over certain events because I did not really deal with them.

It is very important to understand and accept too that there are many layers to trauma. One of my main problems was that I didn’t think that I was traumatized — I believed what people told me that I was “just overreacting”. I have clusters of trauma throughout my life, some of it more devastating because of my Aspie mind, but still some of the things that I have gone through “normal” people would have a hard time with as well. Trauma is trauma every person is affected differently, just like stress, and it all matters. We all have to deal with it or block in whatever way to help us cope.

I have managed a lot of my trauma by hiding.

I hid behind masks, I used mirroring as a way to cope, I used friends or significant others to shadow, I used alcohol, and various other things as a way to escape into my own world. I forgot the things that started me hiding my writings, poetry, and stories. I used to write songs also, but I would not dare tell someone that after the way dad responded. He didn’t really express any interest at all, but a few years later when my little sister wrote a song it was all he talked about. He told me about the events of it being created and then, when they came to visit us he played guitar for her and they both sang the song together. I was not jealous, I was confused. I was happy for her. I thought it was great, but I knew that I had to hide my response because my dad would have accused me of being jealous — I have been accused of being jealous of my sisters a lot. I am not we are completely different, and I like that. Many times my response to things like I just mentioned was taken as jealousy.

I was confused, I believe rightfully so. 

AND I do not feel guilty for saying that. I cannot recall attempting to write any songs since then. While in high school my first boyfriend would invade my room. He read my diaries and that caused me to stop writing my true feelings. I wrote in my notebooks and hid them in my locker, he found them. I got in trouble, and one time he threw the spiral notebook at face cutting my cheek in the lunch room. In front of my “friends” one of which ended up being my second boyfriend, who did nothing. I will mention here as well that during lunch one day my second boyfriend to be called me “Moose Hicky”. I got up and left holding back the tears until I got to the bathroom. He was always making fun of me, but telling me that they were just jokes and that I should lighten up. He did that throughout our whole relationship.

I could not tell friend from foe, and I assumed that I was wrong and he was right.

I digress — my first boyfriend went through all of my things, all of the time. I started to hide things that I wrote in my basement. I would hide poems and things behind my cassette tape cases. I hid things in my books because he never touched my books. I hid my writings in my mom’s album sleeves. Then, came a day when all of my diaries were gone. I had not been writing “real” things in them because I knew that he would read them. I still started to panic though. They were gone. They were mine and they were gone. I asked my mom about them, but she was the extreme opposite and would not go in my room or touch anything of mine like that because of her parents invading her space while growing up. She swore that she would never do that to her children. She knew nothing about me or what was going on in my room unless it was too messy or I got in trouble then she would remove my doors so that I had no privacy at all.

I asked my step dad if he knew where they were, he claimed not to know.

I discovered later that he lied, when his truck was impounded after their divorce, the truck was in my mom’s name so she had to get it back and pay for it — I found them hidden under his seat. I also discovered a while later from my first boyfriend when my step dad and his friends would go deer hunting they would get drunk and stoned sitting around reading my diaries. My first boyfriend had similar connections in town since he and my step dad both did drugs. I was beyond devastated. I was sick for weeks, at least I had them back, but I stopped eating and sank into depression. From then on I made sure that I hid everything very well. I did not start sharing my writing again until I shared my poetry, songs, and other writings with family.

I received what felt like mostly indifference, silence or comparisons with other family members.

I will say not all of all them responded that way, but since it’s so hard to read people I was not sure what their responses meant. I assumed that my writings and what I had to share had little value. I still had the impact of my mom’s response from years earlier as well that stuck in my thoughts. I had hidden away my imagination and emotions and only allowed myself to write prayers or petitions to God. I still wrote, but I hid them on my computers, tucked away in the middle of prayer journals, and various other places never to be seen. I normally told no one that I wrote anything. I started writing stories again in 2009, but would not allow myself to finish. I didn’t begin writing poetry truly connecting to my own emotions or thoughts until I started the poetry blog. I actually started that one so I could use the “like” button, not to put my poetry out there, but I found that it was helping me. When I started sharing some of my short stories by creating another blog for them it started making me feel more comfortable. Slowly I have been working through my fear of sharing, and coming out of hiding even more.

It is a huge feat for me to overcome these fears and share what I write.

It wasn’t only that people read my innermost thoughts or violated me, but that they mocked me that helped to form these fears. My first boyfriend made fun of me or got angry and violent. I found out that my step dad and his friends sat around laughing and mocking me as well. I think I was between 14-15 years old when all of that happened. My first boyfriend continued this invasion of my notebooks, room, lockers, and later my car until I was finally able to be rid of him. That is another long story. All of this made me hide, and hide my writings. I have taken back my writing, and most days I feel comfortable with sharing. I welcome constructive criticism I do not see that as rejection, but a helpful tool. The difference with sharing now is that I am not being violated — I am sharing freely so now the fear lies in another form of rejection.

Though it does not consume me, well most days it doesn’t.

I managed to get some stories out in the past few months by forcing myself to not edit and just let the story flow. I have also been attempting story poems, or longer poems. I am trying new things. I have many hidden away on my computer, but I have been afraid to read them again because of what I may have written. I have only shared a few of them with people, and got derailed a bit my no response. I decided to treat it as I do with this blog I just write on here more freely than in the past, but I allow myself to share. That is one reason why I started my story blog to write a story and not care so much about the grammar, and writing rules. I wanted to allow myself to write whatever I felt. I was forcing myself to face my fear. I have allowed my imagination to go free. It takes a lot for me to share stories or poetry because I feel very exposed. They are a part of me that has not been allowed out for quite some time.

I think this, I can define as an accomplishment.

 

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