Archive for the ‘Finding My Quirks’ Category
July 13th, 2010 | 
Author: I have several posts waiting in my queue. I have written a ton, trying to help me process the things I am going through right now. I cannot get my mind to cooperate. The right side and the left side of my brain seem to be in the middle of a serious battle. And they just will not write what I initially plan on writing. I am getting side tracked and I go in completely different directions. I find myself writing and I have no idea why I am writing whatever it is I am writing. This is very frustrating, my head is fuzzy and chaotic and no matter what I try to do to help me, it just doesn’t work.
My brain and body are just not working together.
I am quite clumsy lately and getting overloaded very easily with sounds and textures. I am misreading David and other social situations, more so than usual. I feel so tired and it drives me crazy because when I get like this I feel lazy. I have so much to do and my body/mind will not do it. I am fighting against myself and I don’t want to. I am sad for no apparent reason and it is driving me crazy.
Oh, well I do know that this doesn’t last long and I know it will be better soon.
Hopefully all of the things I have waiting in my queue will make sense when I go back to them. Maybe they are just crazy rants and I will question whether or not I left the planet for a while only to return to a mass of ramblings and insane rhetoric in my queue. There is a lot going on in my life right now so maybe I just need to cut myself some slack and just rest.
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I have been going through my posts and I just realized just how revealing I am. As I read through them about myself it feels like a movie playing in my head. I feel like I am reading about someone else’s life and everything that they are going through, feeling, seeing and experiencing. I know exactly what they are talking about and I recognize everything but somehow it feels like it is not me. Then I will have that moment, the one where all of the information that I just read consumes some part of my brain and the revelation of the emotions and information is all about me. I have that gasp of reality and I feel helplessly naked.
I am EXPOSED!
What do I do then? Get all of it down, off of the blog? Shut her all down and pretend like I never existed? Flashes of people flood my mind and I think what on earth could they think of me and what they just read about me? Many other thoughts consume my mind and I shake my head, getting back to my normal frame of mind. As I let these thoughts go back into their chamber of anxiety in the back of mind, I remind myself that I am not exposing anything, really. This is me, this information is mine and I share it freely with those I speak to in person, via email or my blog. I freely expose myself and I always have. The only thing I truly fear is how others will respond to my freedom and honesty.
I don’t even think about it until I realize that someone other than myself has read my blog.
I don’t really think about what I write or what I say, I just say it. It doesn’t occur to me that others would find it to be very revealing or open. It’s me, but here is what I find interesting, it doesn’t feel like me at all. I am so disconnected from myself that what I write and what I am experiencing right now feel like two different worlds even though I am writing exactly what I am feeling. Does that even make sense? I have always had that experience, it feels at times that I am outside of myself watching my life through the words I write. I connect to myself when I reread what I have written. It all sounds rather insane, but it isn’t. I am not sure I can describe it properly.
There are times, like my past journals, that I cannot read for a long time.
When I reread my writings the emotions and feelings are too close and I feel as if the movie is playing right at that moment. There are some things that I am still not ready to relive. There are other things that I am quite embarrassed of, like when I read something that I have written and it was wrong. If I find out later what I thought was happening, actually was not what was happening I only felt it or perceived it that way, I get a sick feeling. There is nothing I can do about it now and what I felt at the time was real so I use those moments to help me with similar situations now and instead of thinking I know what is going on, I ask. This saves me much pain and confusion.
I think it is good to be exposed.
I think it is good to be open and honest, although I try to be considerate of others, I cannot guarantee that I will not say something offensive to others. The main reason for this is that I have no idea what is going to offend a person so there is nothing I can do except continue being myself. If I offend or hurt someone, hopefully they will do what I do and ask what I meant or tell me that it was offensive. But if they don’t; oh well, I am clueless.
I am clueless and exposed!
I admit I have my moments, I have gotten much better and calmer, especially now that I have learned about ASD and Sensory Integration. In the past I would well up with rage and at times get violent but I didn’t know why. (Many of the things that I am writing about are from my past, my children and David have not experienced this from me.) Things that seemed quite silly would set me off and after my whole moment I felt better but others were left with this feeling of confusion, anger or hurt themselves. I thought this was normal because that was the way my mother was also. We both would be much worse if we drink alcohol. There were several nights of us fighting, one occasion ended very violently, I blacked out and woke to my mother on the floor and me choking her. She had come after me in a fit of rage and I started to protect myself, after I came to so to speak I realized what I was doing and got up immediately and ran.
She chased after me and wouldn’t stop but then she kicked me out of the house.
I was 15 years old and only allowed to take what I could wear on my body and I was not allowed to take anything that she had gotten for me. I went item by item telling her who gave them to me or if I had purchased it myself. Then out the door I was sent at 12 am, running down the high way. I called my boyfriend at the time after I had run clear across the city. The next morning my mom didn’t remember anything and wanted me home ASAP. I didn’t want to come home. This all started because my mom came home late again, drunk, I had been watching my little sisters and was pretty upset that I was always at home with my sisters so I am sure I had an attitude, she dropped a glass in the kitchen and it shattered everywhere. She looked at me and said “Clean it up!”.
I said “You clean it up, you did it!”.
And the game was on. My mom still doesn’t have memory of this night, but there are several like this with either my mom being like that or myself. We have always been very honest with our feelings and at times we have misunderstood each other which would escalate in rage. That was the only time it was ever that violent though. When I was a child, my mom was pretty aggressive too, though that was how she was raised and she was a million times better than her dad but she had her moments, now that we look back; a lot of them were triggered by sensory issues, social anxiety and the stress of being a single mom. It doesn’t make it ok, she does not feel that it was right but she just didn’t know any other way at the time.
As I grew up, those moments terrified me thinking what kind of parent I would be.
I never wanted to have children unless I could be sure that I was going to be able to stay home with them and not have anger issues. I did not want my children to ever go through that. And now that brings me to my meltdowns, I have them but I no longer throw things or freak out to the point of blacking out but I do get overwhelmed and angry, especially at what seems to be unjust. My children do not get my meltdowns directed at them. Sure they get in trouble, I have yelled at them to stop or have told them that is enough when they won’t stop; but when I am in a full-blown meltdown I leave. I will leave the room, I will go to David’s office, I will go outside, I will do whatever to ensure that my children do not get the brunt of my inability to control myself.
I know it sounds like I am in control but I cannot always control my mind to make it stop.
I have to ride the thing through, in some cases I need to hit things, slam a door or two, jump on the trampoline, run, work out to some crazy Tae Bo work out. I need something to get it out, I would never do anything to my kids but I do not want them to be around me like that either because I am easily aggravated and could say something mean. I can feel my mind going into that mode, before I was unaware of it, I just thought I couldn’t do anything and I condemned myself for being an evil person. I know that I am not evil and the only reason I say that is because others have called me evil when I’ve had a meltdown. I am sure my actions seemed quite evil, like when my ex-husband lied to me about paying all the bills for months, and it turned out he had not.
I started yelling and screaming, I tossed my bookshelves over and threw my books all over the place.
I couldn’t stop, I just kept yelling at the top of my lungs “YOU ARE A LIAR! A LIAR! I CANNOT TAKE ALL OF YOUR LIES!” There was no calming me down until after I was able to get it out. I didn’t talk to him for the rest of the evening, I went to my room and read and listened to music. The next day I was fine and I was over it. My mind had begun to think of options as to pay for these bills and when I spoke to him he was angry. I didn’t understand why and I thought he was overreacting. I couldn’t see until the last few years, reading about similar situations through the eyes of ASD that as a neurotypical that could be very upsetting. (I still think he was wrong so I am not all that compassionate about the lies but I am about my behavior.)
When I say freak out it could mean many things.
I could shut down completely and have no words. I can’t speak, while slamming doors, cabinets, whatever that may be in my way. It could be me jumping up and down screaming, hitting a wall – in the past I have punched walls, it’s been a long time since I did that but the last time I did I hurt my hand very badly, storming out of the house, throwing things, turning up my music as loud as possible and singing and dancing until all of the rage leaves or I cry. Full blown hyperventilating crying that won’t stop. Recently, I described how I was overwhelmed in my post Sigh, when I do yell or scream they are not directed at my children and I do not do it very often at all, just like the most recent episode it is under extreme panic mode but David is always there and I usually snap out of it quickly when I see or hear my children.
When I am feeling the reactions of my mind start to build up, I get away from the kids.
If I happen to yell or something…like the other day I had too much sensory overload and social stress, Joshua was crying, he too was feeling the same thing, but I needed him to stop crying. I had to put my hands over my ears and all I could say was “Stop crying! Stop crying, please, please stop!” I then changed what I was doing, I held Joshua and we both just rocked. After we both calmed down I explained to him why mommy was saying that. Ariel was helping and said, “You know Joshua when we get overloaded and our brain isn’t right, that is what mommy felt.” She is so great. He understood and told me that he was feeling it too. We all just needed a break from people, places and change.
The majority of the things I am writing about here are from the past.
I haven’t really had meltdowns like I have described for a very long time, they mainly got better when I met David. Having David has made it much easier to express myself. I have the freedom of telling him why I am upset, or if I don’t know why, he is very supportive of that as well. Having a husband who has accepted me and allows me to say whatever is on my mind without condemnation, guilt or reprieve has made my meltdowns much less. I didn’t realize how much worse it is when you are unable to express yourself. Having to hold it in for fear of rejection, being ‘institutionalized’ (that is another story) being called crazy, among a few makes a huge difference. The main thing that has changed my meltdown issues is that I am heard. David hears me, he lets me say whatever and it is valid. He has helped me see that it is ok to have emotions and express them and I have taken what I have learned and use it for our children.
Our kids have valid reasons to them for being upset and it is ok, but it is how we express it, not that we are expressing it.
Accepting Daniel during his meltdowns has made a huge difference, giving him a different way of expressing it has helped all of us tremendously. He is able to use his words better to communicate his feelings but there are times when he either isn’t sure why he is upset or doesn’t know how to communicate it but instead of hitting he is still using the “growl method” and it’s working! Ariel and Joshua are starting to understand how to communicate their feelings as well. They will share with us why they are angry with us, sad or happy. They explain it especially when they are angry. Ariel: “I am very angry with you mom because I want to paint and you will not let me.” They are also getting better at telling each other, Joshua: “Ariel, you need to stop touching my Iron Man’s because that makes me angry.”
It is pretty funny but it has helped us not have fighting matches in our living room. 
I am doing much better, I have not had any panic attacks which is good; just little moments of anxiety here and there. On Saturday we went to the museum, they had a Narnia exhibit which was ok, but they didn’t even have Aslan so it was not that impressive. However, the museum is the one place that Daniel loves the most out of going to the beach or the park he will choose the museum. I find it rather ironic since there is much sensory overload with sound, people, smells, change in exhibits but he loves it. Though I am not that surprised because the museum was one of my favorites as a child as well and my mother and I spent a lot of my childhood in the museum. The day before Daniel was full of anxiety and running around being very chaotic but he kept saying “We are going to the museum”.
We had to continue to tell him that “We are going to the museum tomorrow”.
He would then repeat that and go in a loop and say we were going to the museum. I know this was part excitement, anxiety and scripting but it made for a lot of chaos. The morning of, he was completely different. In the morning he was peaceful, happy and said “We are going to the museum today!”. He was great the whole day and very happy. The next day we went to church and he did great in there as well. I was in class with the 2-3 year old, I am always fine when I am in class with the kids but if I have to go to grown up church I feel out-of-place and awkward and have my anxiety moments. They had to change the kids theaters once again into completely different theaters, I was fine with it because one of my friends told me ahead of time that this was happening so I had several days to prepare myself and the kids and I have to tell you, I was so at peace.
I even had to go grocery shopping after doing class with the little ones and the social encounters I had.
I did fine even at the store, both of these situations usually require me some time to recuperate, but yesterday ended ok. Except for Ariel, she had a meltdown before church and two after church. I am beginning to notice a lot more social anxiety in her and when I see her in class she is always hanging out with the boys. The girls like her but she cannot remember the girls names, however she does remember several of the boys names. It could be because she has brothers and feels more comfortable with them. I myself have always had guys as my friends more so than girls, I relate to them better since they usually just speak what they mean and there is no hidden things or situations to try an figure out. Though I do not figure out that anything is going on anyway until I notice that some girl is upset with me and I do not know why.
I am working on getting these guys out and about.
I am planning on taking them to library events, the art museum has free opportunities on the weekends, I am looking into other options as well to help these guys get more children interactions. I just need to prepare and know when not to push us, if one of us can’t do it than we won’t, we will just try the next week. I put so much pressure on myself when I commit to something and then I think that I have to keep doing it, I am not allowed to have breaks! Balance, it’s all about balance and finding it for our lives. I have found that when I have a focus though, some sort of task or job that seems to trump my anxiety.
I am sure it comes out in others emotions or situations though that I am unaware of.
If I tracked this, I would most likely find that I actually was extremely stressed yesterday and now through this week it will manifest through me cleaning, feeling hyper, working out more than usual, eating maybe, or writing. Someway to help me cope with the suppressed anxiety that I didn’t feel like I had. As I continue to think of my anxiety I think of many factors that have led up to these past panics. I really do not want to go on medications and I think I will be able to handle the situations much better once I pin point certain things that can trigger these. Although, it is not a regular occurence anymore, I have anxiety but I have been able to learn how to help myself with that, it is when I have panic/anxiety that leads to my body, mind, and emotions being all out of whack.
Here are some of the things I have been going through since about the end of April:
1. David has lost several of his free-lance jobs, he has missed his deadlines for the one project he is currently working on and we have been very short on funds.
2. We have had to borrow from a couple of people in our family.
3. My mom started a new job that changed her hours and her income, not for the better. (Both the hours and money affect us because when her schedule changes it takes her months to be back to her normal self because of her own AS and we borrowed funds from her that we cannot pay back right away.)
4. Church started changing things around and I have been feeling more and more disconnected from the people there as I see them get more and more connected. (I feel like I am an outsider watching these social movies play out in front of me and I have no idea what is going on.)
5. I had a major roller coaster of emotions and misunderstanding with my dad’s side of the family. (That situation is much better but still a lot of confusion.)
6. David and I had our 7 years anniversary in June, his mom’s birthday, my dad’s birthday, Father’s day and Joshua’s birthday is at the end of the month. (I always get stressed when it comes to my dad’s birthday because I have to call him, he is a phone person, big time! It’s not that I don’t want to call him, of course I do it’s just very stressful for me to use the phone. I never know what to say, when to say something, the other thing is that people are always calling my dad, while we are on the phone people beep in about 10 times and that throws me off, A LOT! Plus I was not able to call him on his birthday because we have no minutes on our phone, the lack of funds to get them and our land line does not have long distance.)
7. My Grandma is coming into town this week, which is great but I have been anticipating this for over a month now. (It’s like how Daniel felt about the museum and the kids are all anticipating her coming as well.)
8. One of my sister’s here in town is pregnant, I am concerned for her health and the well-being of the child. She is in a relationship that seems quite rocky (not abusive but not all together healthy) and that gives me anxiety about her, the child, the father, oh just everything.
9. My other sister got married and then came back from the honey moon and demanded an annulment. (I still do not know why but it is all so confusing if I think about it my head spins.)
10. The weather has changed and my allergies have made my head very dizzy.
11. This does not include any of the children’s issues and the awareness I am gaining with Ariel and Joshua’s own sensory issues and AS traits that are being brought to light even more, I believe I am now seeing them because Daniel has progressed so much that my attention to those details in him are no longer distracting me as much. Both David and I have had the mind-set that Ariel and Joshua are fine, we have recognized things but they have been quickly trumped by whatever Daniel is dealing with.
Bottom line I am doing much better today.
Although, I have found that the slightest thing could send me into anxiety, for instance this week we are supposed to do several things, we have made plans but with my other two sisters those plans could be messed up because they are late and no one calls me or my and Grandma stay somewhere longer than expected and they don’t call me, we have a birthday party for Joshua and my cake doesn’t work right and Iron Man looks like he was in a blender or something! I am writing these things out so that I can be prepared ahead of time of the possibility of them happening to help ease my anxiety.
The funny thing is that my anxiety does not always stem from bad things, good things can trigger it too. Hmm…..
I just felt like sharing the books I am currently reading. I find all of these people fascinating or the information very good for my purposes so I have included links to the books as well as the people so others who are interested could look them up easily.
1. High Fidelity By Nick Hornby (Just finished Juliet, Naked, I just found out that he has an autistic son as well, I had no idea before I read his books, while reading Juliet, Naked I looked into him.)
2. Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships: Decoding Social Mysteries through the Unique Perspectives of Autism
By Temple Grandin and Sean Barron
3. Born on a Blue Day By Daniel Tammet
5. Answers to Questions Teachers Ask about Sensory Integration By ~ Jane Koomar (Author), Carol Kranowitz (Author), Stacey Szklut (Author), Lynn Balzer-Martin (Author), Elizabeth Haber (Author), Deanna Iris Sava (Author)
6. Learning All the Time By John Caldwell Holt
7. Five Dialogues By Plato (Author), G. M. A. Grube (Author, Translator)
8. Various poetry books.
So those are what I am reading on any given day this week. I do rotate throughout the week whatever my brain is capable of consuming for that day, is what I read. I also read the Bible, usually daily unless there are too many inconsistencies bothering me between my understanding and the translation so then I have to go research the context then I go back to reading again. The question of the day is “Which translation of the Bible am I reading?”. I usually complete about 2-3 books a week if I have the time between doing stuff with the kids, the house work, just playing or if we have places to go. I would say 2-3 a week is an average. I should be finished with High Fidelity and Anthem any time now.
Ok, ok I confess there was a time that I was all into my make-up, hair, clothes and nails. However, it was when I was in high school and my fashion consisted of black finger nail polish on my toes, my great grand fathers boxers and button up shirts, along with my lead into the big hair band obsession then into my black era and slowly into my semi-goth state. I actually did all of that mixed up depending on the mood I was in, but the majority of my wardrobe consisted of black, leather jackets and knee-high boots. My hair took me about an hour to get just right and it was about a mile high, actually a mile in all directions. I did dye my hair black as well.
I do like having my hair black.
I am a natural brunette but my hair is a mix of auburn, brownish so I look kind of natural with black hair. Anyway, when I was little I did love Barbie, I usually would just dress them, lay them in rows when I was finished getting them all dressed, then I would fix their hair (cut it and get in trouble) and then sit them or stand them in rows so when they were all finished I could look at them and leave them be. I also would stage them in the Barbie houses I had, but there wasn’t much “playing” with them. I did do this for hours though and took great joy in what I had accomplished. I had a ton of Barbie’s, one Christmas my mother had gone to Goodwill and purchased a ton of used Barbie’s, she then made a ton of Barbie clothes and packaged them all up, except the Barbie’s. The Barbie’s she hung all over the tree so when I woke up the next morning I had a Barbie tree.
I thought that was pretty awesome.
As I got older I collected Barbie’s, I didn’t take them out of their box, I had a whole Barbie room with shelves from the top of the ceiling to the bottom of the floor. I didn’t like Barbie because I thought she was beautiful or because I wanted to be her, I just liked having these dolls all dressed perfectly, their hair perfect and they had never been out of the box. The boxes were all even, I loved the boxes. I enjoyed going in there sometimes looking at the perfect dolls in their perfectly straight boxes and feeling a sense of peace from the complete order in my Barbie room. That was the only thing that was like that in my life at the time, when I met David and we got married, I gave my Barbie’s away. I was no longer attached to them, I didn’t even feel that deep loss that I usually feel with things that I give up.
I had found my order for the time being and didn’t need to have my Barbie room.
It is the same thing with make-up and clothes, I never was into those things that much. I always picked out strange clothes and my mother would comment about it and as my sisters got older they did too, it was the family joke. (not a mean one) I would leave the house with vampire boxers on, socks, and a tank top. I didn’t like wearing shoes, I still do not but I collected them and at one time I had over 80 pairs of shoes. I LOVE boots but I have no need to wear them anymore. When I lived far down south in the hot baking sun I wore boots. Work boots were my favorite and I wore those all the time with my shorts and skirts to work, that too was a running joke with my friends and co-workers.
I didn’t mind no one was making fun of me they just didn’t understand and thought it was one of my great quirks.
I do like looking at fashion but not for the same reasons as others, I like looking at make-up and nail polishes and things like that but I like to look at it. I like the colors, styles, how things fit on people, the different shapes of faces and what the colors do when they have a lot of stuff on their face and I also wonder why. When I see certain women and they are wearing a lot of make-up I wonder why, why do they need all of that on their face. How can they wear all of that on their face, unless they are under cameras or going on stage or something. I really think people look a lot better without it.
I am a light make-up wearing kind of gal.
I wear foundation now because I have a bit of dark spots from the sun but not all the time only when we go out. I like to get dressed up once in a while, I like wearing dresses but I always have shorts on underneath them and you can be guaranteed in about 15 minutes I will be bare footed unless I am wearing boots. I used to collect clothes too, all kinds of clothes but I wouldn’t wear the majority of them because they didn’t fit right and they drove me crazy. I stick with a certain style and then buy as many as possible and in different colors so that I will have plenty around because it is very hard to find things that fit just right. I had one shirt style in about 8 different colors and some of them were a slightly lighter or darker shade of color. I can’t wear certain clothes because the design or colors feel like they are glowing and the whole world is noticing how bright they are and staring at me.
I also can’t wear certain colors or designs because they feel loud on my body.
The fashion world of Angel is pretty simple, easy, and is able to be complete in about 20 minutes max. (Excluding shower because when I take a shower, well that is a whole other story.) I had written before that I am not into girly things but that doesn’t mean that I don’t have girly things or that I am all boy or something. The same goes for Ariel. We are girls who can look nice, who like to paint our toes, (she likes her in multiple colors) we enjoy playing with dolls and such, but we also like to play with action figures, love Star Wars, silly dragons, reading all kinds of books and wrestling with the boys! Ariel said that she wanted rings and things the other day so I took her out to the Dollar store. We got some little girl finger nail polish, princess rings, some hair thingy, and pink jelly shoes that light up when you walk.
She was excited about them for about a week and I haven’t heard anything about them since.
She is now wanting some Strawberry Shortcake stuff, me too!! I did so love Strawberry Shortcake and I had a ton of them as well. I like the way they smelled and I played with them much like I did Barbie, dressed them up and staged them. I had the small plastic ones too in a cool strawberry case and I would put them in rows by their height and their colors. I have such fond memories of those, I kept them until I was 25 yrs and I finally parted ways with them but I did tear up a bit. I teared up a bit giving away all the things I have collected throughout the years. I had Marilyn Monroe everything, posters, movies, books, vampire stuff, black cat stuff, gargoyles, books, stuffed animals, cows, masks, cd’s, and on and on. I won’t tell you all of the things I have right now. (books mainly)
I know I just went into a whole other thing, so back to the fashion thing, I am just really into my own fashion thing. As it should be for everyone.
I had to go to Wal-Mart the other night, I was dreading it all day. The whole day I was thinking about it and trying to plan my path according to the products I needed to purchase. There is a HUGE problem, recently our Wal-Mart has remodeled. I remember the few weeks ago when I walked in and my heart sank. The pharmacy was closed the walls were covered with wood, the isles were changed. There was no warning, they never told me, it was one of those moments that sent me into a panic, I was very thankful that David and the kids were with me that evening because I would have been much worse by myself. They actually conspired to torture me as well, by making this remodel go on for several weeks and they would move whole sections of the store to odd places that made no sense what so ever.
I am not fond of any Wal-Mart store layout anyway but when I have it memorized I expect it not to change.
I do prefer Targets flow, it makes more sense to me, it has direction, ease and simplicity. Wal-Mart does not. If I could I would completely boycott the place but we are in a very small town that only has two department stores, you guessed it Target and Wal-Mart. Back to my story, they have finally finished and I have already memorized the isles and can tell where to find each product and where the departments are now moved. It does feel less chaotic and I am pleased with that. Ok, SO the point of not asking me questions, I went directly to the lotion isle to get my product and there was a lady standing there examining the lotions. I grabbed for mine and she asked “Is that any good?” My response “Yes, it works for me, right now.” The lady then responds with ” I am looking for a good lotion because my skin is very dry, I think it is from tanning.”
Oh, boy! Here I go into my lotion pitch.
I proceed to tell her about the lotion I am currently using but that I used to use this one and it is good too but I have to rotate my lotions all the time because my body begins to become resistant to the effects. So for about 10 min. this woman had to sit through my low down on about 20 products that I have used. I told her how some are too greasy, some leave a residue, some won’t come off, some saturate well for a little while, some have too strong of perfume, some have frustrating caps, pumps, or squeeze issues. On and on with my full knowledge of lotion products and their containers. I finally caught myself when I noticed her face was kind of in shock and then I realized my time restraint and I said “Well I guess that didn’t help much, huh?’ She of course was polite and said “yes, you did.” But I knew this woman thought there was something strange about my knowledge of all of the lotion products.
As I walked off I quickly forgot about that whole experience because I was on a mission.
Onward and upward! However, after reflecting on the experience I thought about my whole life and how I have had many of those moments. I have this huge amount of knowledge about things that other people do not even think about. In my mind there are huge rooms full of file cabinets that have file folders, labeled, some are dated, on people, places and things. I have archives full and I run and pull them open whenever I feel they are needed and flood people with the information so that they can make a well-informed decision. I gather information from many different resources so that I am not just using an opinion or someones interpretation, I use my own experiences, I use other peoples experiences. Gather, gather, gather, I love input. So when you ask me a question I will download all of the information that I have and if I feel I do not have enough I will most certainly research and come back to you with more information.
Understanding how my brain is wired has helped me to recognize a bit more when people really do not want to hear all of that, it may take me a little while but at least I am able to see it on their faces…sometimes.
I think blogging has helped me to try to limit my information and try to get to the point, though I am still a bit of a long writer, I have gotten better. Back to Wal-Mart, I found it quite amusing that the person who first noticed something was different about Wal-Mart was Ariel. The night that we went to the Wal-Mart, when they were first remodeling, we pulled into the parking lot and Ariel said “What happened to Wal-Mart? Where are their blue letters and why is the building all brown?” I just thought they cleaned up the outside because it was getting a bit worn. The building was gray with blue letters and now it is beige with white letters. She has a knack for downloading a lot of information too and is very observant.
When I was about 13 years old I had a strange experience, it happened to be my birthday and during the time my mother was married to my step-father, they would throw these parties for me (their friends). Although the house would be filled with drunken adults, I really didn’t mind because I enjoyed observing everyone and getting more presents, so it worked out for everyone. This particular year, I had taken to wandering, which I always did but I wandered into the garage, with a substance that altered my brain a little. No one noticed at all what I was up to and I was curious, so off I went hidden in one of my places of solitude.
I sat on the floor the smell of gasoline from the lawnmower and my head feeling a bit fuzzy.
Now it was either the beer or the gas fumes (I had the garage door shut, I wasn’t really thinking) but actually I am thinking both of them played a role in the next event. I pasted out, only for a few seconds but in those few seconds I saw my entire life. There was a massive world, kind of square-shaped but I knew it was inside of a circle some how, inside the square like shape were rectangles, and each rectangle had a moment in time of my life. I saw all the way up to adulthood but couldn’t make any distinction. In my mind I thought “these are echoes”, that is what they looked like to me, the sound of an echo. I saw all the way to my death but my death was me turning into a drip of gasoline and if it hit the gas tank, then that was it.
I was a goner!
Well I awoke from my state and was really freaked out. I went back inside and vowed never to do that again. Although I did drink, I made sure I wasn’t around any gas fumes! After that experience I have had many moments where I felt I had the same exact experience, I had seen it before and I would look around and feel like I was in the rectangle of my echoes. Other times I would have the flash of my echoes and would know that it was bad I shouldn’t do it. I know it all sounds strange but I believe I have been saved from certain danger because of seeing these echoes. I don’t know what the echoes are or what it meant. But I saw them, I felt them and even now I know they are there and I have the ability to change them.
See what I saw was not just a whole bunch of events set in place, I saw choices.
I saw many different echoes that would affect the other but would lead to different paths and they could be altered. Wow, as I am writing this I feel like I sound crazy but I am not. I do not live my life based on these echoes, I just get reminded of them and when I see one flash before my eyes I try to make the best judgment based on feeling and prayer and of course talking to David. They have not been wrong and sometimes I have seen them to just give me confirmation that we are in the right place and our lives are on track. David thinks it is kind of funny but as I explained some of the things that go along with my echo theory, he has said that I am describing Quantum Physics and String Theory. I do not know much about either of them but I have done some reading.
However, I can guarantee at the age of 13 years old I knew nothing about it and that is what all of this is based on, my vision then.
The other thing I always have seen, is life playing out in a wave-like line that wraps around into a huge sphere. It has multiple colors, colors I cannot describe and it moves in waves as it spins around like a tube wrapping around all of the lives that have ever existed or will exist and it just flows into a dark abyss that is never-ending. That is the best way I can describe it and it is still not giving it justice but it does bring me peace. I love to sit and see the vision of the colorful wavy line that wraps all of the universes and connects everything to something. I see the vibrations and feel the movement of the gargantuan thing and it is breath-taking.
What does it mean?
I have no idea and I have only shared with David but I felt like writing it because possibly someone else has seen this or felt this or knows something. Or maybe I am just a loony toon and that is ok too. One last thing I remember is that since I was a child my mother has always said “there is a bubble around us, it protects us”. She was being literal. I see the bubble if I look close enough and I have since I was little. Maybe I made it up but my mom sees it too. Interesting. It is a hazy light that encircles me, it is an iridescent orb, I think and I can feel it, it too vibrates. When I have gone to places I have seen what looks like a different haze that is over the area. Some homes I have gone in have the light haze and feel comforting. Others have a grayish like haze and they are not so comforting. I can feel and see the atmosphere.
I believe Daniel does too, he has run out of places that he didn’t like and he will not leave other places that have a warm and peaceful feel.
But any kid could do that so I am going to have to wait until he gets older to see if he feels or sees things. It will be interesting. I believe a lot of this may be my sensitivity to my environment and also my neurotransmitters doing strange things but what is very interesting is to think of all the information that is locked up in our brains that we do not know about.
Open up locked doors of my mind what else is in there? Well maybe I don’t want to know…
I do not involve David in a lot of my posts because that is the way he likes it. The least amount of information about him the better but I want to share a little bit about him. We have an incredible story that one day I will finally have all written down to share, especially for our children. It is a miracle that we found each other, at one moment of our lives one of us was on the west coast and the other was almost as far as you can get on the east coast of the states. Then many years later, we literally lived three minutes apart, staring up at the sky late in the evening stars, whispering to the God of Heaven to answer our prayers for our one true love.
David is my soul mate and ever lasting love.
We do not have mushy gushy love. LOL! We have a love that reaches to the inner parts of our souls that can only be satisfied by the art of discussion, intrigue, and the interesting act of being completely open and honest but with the ability to still be a mystery to one another. For us that has only been made possible through the Almighty God, because all other human forces have failed for us. Through our own manipulation or the manipulation of others, we were never satisfied, never fulfilled and never happy. Once we were made whole, by accepting never finding each other, that is the moment when our worlds collided and we became one almost in an instant.
David and I sharpen each other.
We challenge each other, we make each other better. Without his confidence in me, I never would have been able to accept the challenges I have faced within myself the last few years. I have faced abuse, insecurities, fears, and my many doubts. He helped build life into my soul that so many had destroyed. He gave me acceptance that no one else ever had and I did the same for him. We worked together and made a life that we are very happy with and protective of. He saw in me things that I didn’t know existed and he helped bring them out. David has been my solid foundation and has never led me astray.
Yet we both know that we are fully capable of failing each other and we do.
That is the amazing thing, we fail and yet we fully accept it, embrace it, acknowledge it and use it to make sure we do not fall into disillusionment. We have respect for each other and love to laugh with one another. We feel that our marriage is not possible without the hand of God keeping us intertwined with His love, the kind of love that has no agenda or selfish motive, without that we are not able to love happily. We have to continually lay that down but with David it isn’t something I struggle with, it just happens without thought. He makes it easy and enjoyable to live life with him, to raise our children with, and to be in peaceful content. He accepts all of my quirkiness, sassiness, sometimes insanity and he continually motivates me. That is all I will share for now.
US
our souls fought this world to find each other,
we settled, sacrificed, gave up and hurt others–looking.
dreams faded,
slowly swept away.
lives settled to a place–alone.
found our peace,
but still gaping was the hole.
day break!
instant unity!
we leaped from the earth.
flying eternity,
intertwined mission.
laughing all the while.
solid.
overflowing, abundance
galaxies of grandeur fulfilled.
I had a birthday a few weeks ago and I turned 37 years old. I rather like it. I like getting older and other people seem to think I am crazy for feeling this way. I don’t understand why. I have sisters who are between 10 and 20 yrs younger than me and they are worried about getting old. My 27-year-old sister makes comments like she is missing her prime to have another child. What? I am thinking I have another 10 years to decide if I want to have another child. Though I know the risks are higher, I still see no reason why I cannot have another child in my 40′s if David and I feel as though we would like to do that. (Though I really don’t think we will, we are quite content with our three.)
I feel like my life has just begun!
I feel young, I try to keep myself strong and healthy and I actually feel much better than I did in my 20′s. When I was in my 20′s, I was drinking all the time, working crazy hours, in bad relationships, confused about my world, I didn’t eat, sleep, and didn’t take care of myself at all. Now that I have changed all of that I am much happier and feel much better. I am still confused sometimes but isn’t that a part of life anyway? Shouldn’t we be confused so we will continue to ask questions?
That’s what keeps me energetic and alive–questions!
I have so many things I want to discover and learn and teach my kids and myself. I want to explore different worlds and have adventures. I am not talking about traveling the world physically, though that would be great if my AS issues didn’t send me in a tailspin, ( not to mention everyone else in the family with AS stuff and we don’t have money for that) but right here at home, there is so much to do! I am captivated by the questions and thoughts of my children and the things that pop in my head, so much so that I have at least another 60 or more years to pack my brain full of stuff and push my body to do things. God willing I will live that adventurous and exciting life that I have been living for the past 37 years!
I am excited about the years ahead.
If illness comes my way in other forms I pray I am strong enough to continue living this exciting and enjoyable life I have been given. I don’t want to waste it on being negative. I want to jump into it and be swallowed up by the joys that are surrounding me. We have our troubles but they are nothing compared to the amazing life we live. We are incredibly blessed that I get to stay home with the kids, that David free lances from home, that we are the primary people in the growth, development, and life of our children. That makes life so awesome in itself.
We are very thankful to live this life and for the challenges and blessing of our children and each other.
My life has heartbreak sometimes, it gets me sometimes, (mainly people) but then I am reminded about the life we have. I cherish the fact that as I get older I do learn more, I have my eyes opened more, I love more, I accept more, and if I have a few wrinkles who cares!! I feel like I am 15 yrs old some days and I will continue to embrace the youth of my soul and dance in the freedom of my new age each year! Life is good even during the worst of days, life is good.
If you don’t like getting older, I ask why? The days in the past seem like glory days but are they really?