I have been having a rough week. I had the pleasure of my vertigo episodes then, I was struck with PTSD episode due to multiple factors, and the main reason is because of stress. The physical stress from going through vertigo on and off along with several of our current living situations has caused me confusion and to be affected by words that I usually do not get so affected by. For instance, David made a comment about Joshua having a small scar on his chin. (He fell and hurt his chin the other day.) David said, in a way that sounded negative and what sounded to me that it would be a bad thing to have a small scar. (I like all of my scars.)
It struck a nerve.
I said, “Oh, because a small scar is so awful. If that is the case what do you think about my gargantuan birthmark on my neck?” Yeah, I am not proud, but the reality is it hurt, it confused me, it bothered me that he would say something like that and that it could cause Joshua to feel self- conscious. Comments like that do affect me, but on a “normal” day I can brush it off. David was just making a comment, but I am such a “stress mess” that my automatic response was based on my own anxieties stemmed from my dysmorphia. That is what happens when I start to feel that my world is out-of-control. My brain automatically goes back to dysmorphic and eating disorder type of coping mechanisms.
I am so exhausted from going back and forth with our housing situation.
It is now confirmed (please, whatever puppeteer is controlling my universe) that we will be moving out of this house. However, we have yet to find a new home. I have searched for weeks and weeks for a new house. My desire would be to find a home that is less expensive, older but not too old and that it has enough rooms for David’s office and a REAL bedroom for Daniel and me to share.
There is no way I will be able to get Daniel into his own room if we are going to be moving again.
There are not enough bedrooms in this house anyway so he and I would have to share as long as we lived here. No real difference. Our living arrangements may sound strange to some, but I actually do not think it is very odd anymore. I have driven all around this town looking at locations, houses, and even apartments. We have considered getting a three bedroom for the kids and me while David gets a one bedroom. However, we have not been able to find a place that could work.
It is frustrating.
It is frustrating that I had hoped to find us a place to move into before school starts. That is not going to happen. All of my energy has gone into trying to force things into place so that I can be settled. I have to accept that what I want will not happen in my time frame. SO! Instead of allowing my brain to fret and panic, I am going to be thankful.
I am going to share the many things that I am thankful for.
See this summer has been one of the best summers we have had. I do not want it to be taken from me because of anxiety and disappointment. I will start with I am thankful that we are able to even consider finding a new place to rent. I am thankful that there are some options and that we have not come to the point of being trapped or stuck in this house. We are looking at another house tomorrow.
It is the same price as this one, but it is right around the corner from my aunt. Bonus!
I really hope it is the house because I find it so draining doing house/town home/apartment searches. If we do choose the house it will be available September 1st. (My mom’s birthday, birthday YAY! Thankful for birthdays.) I am thankful that we have family that can help us move because David will be gone for two weeks in August.
I am thankful that I have the virtual school that has given me all of the curriculum for this year.
I am feeling better about it after going through it. I am very excited and thankful that all the ideas and efforts the boys and I have put in has improved their reading. Both of them are close to their end of summer goals. They still have “timed” reading anxiety, but I decided that this year I am going to video record them reading for me and share it with their teachers. I am not going through what I went through last year. I know my boys can read and comprehend what they are reading.
Thankful for video cameras!
I am thankful that all three kids have learned how to swim this summer. I am beyond amazed and proud that Daniel has learned how to swim under water. At the beginning of summer, he refused to go into the water without a life jacket now he is swimming under water with goggles. He is even venturing to the deep end. I was kind of happy that he would not go into the deep end without me because when he was younger he had no fear or comprehension of going into the deep end or into the massive ocean waves.
I had several scares running after him to stop him from going into the ocean without me.
I am thankful for music therapy and piano lesson because Daniel is so happy; it is helping him communicate with Ariel and Joshua. I am thankful that ALL three of them have been playing together lately, having great conversations, and enjoying themselves. A few bicker fests, but even some of those I am thankful for because they are all learning how to communicate with each other without me.
I am thankful for the beautiful weather that we have had this year.
I am thankful that our cat Nathaniel is so awesome. I am thankful for cats. hee hee I am thankful that I have progressed so much that I am able to discern some of my emotions quickly and articulate them … sometimes. It is much better than, a year ago so I am thankful!
I am thankful that it is Thursday because in an hour I will be piloxing my little heart out.
I am thankful that my vertigo has settled and I HOPE it does not manifest while I am piloxing away. I am thankful that I can take Ariel and Joshua with me and not have the worry and anxiety I used to have when I left Daniel home. I am thankful that David and Daniel have started to have more of a relationship. Also, that Daniel can talk to him more and that David is more understanding of him. I am thankful that I was able to catch up on some cleaning. I am thankful for many things. I have more, but I need to get dinner, the kids, and myself ready or I will be late.
I am thankful for all of you who read my silly ramblings! Happy Thursday!