I chose that title because I think it is hilarious! Bwaaa Haaa I am totally on a Facebook rant I have no real purpose other than speaking randomly-chaotic-silly spews of pandemonium. Ok, the truth? I have been laughing at that saying all day and wanted to use it as a title and I wanted to use the word pandemonium because I have been fixated on words today. They make me smile. I have accepted that I am in yet another information consuming loop. This causes me to get all frenzied and I have learned how it can be fun instead of mind halting. I have also learned that if I do not let my silliness out all of the information will cause me to spiral into a serious mode and I will feel the need to change the world TODAY AT ALL COST! Welcome to one of my information overloaded mind nonsensical posts.

I have voiced my issues with Facebook before…my personal account not my MindRetrofit account.

I like my Mind account it is nice and quiet. There are no people on there making me socially confused, or giving me anxiety. I do not have to see family members play pretend nice. I do not have to filter through “reading” between the lines. It is simple, clear, and not a lot of hooey. I like my Twitter account because of that as well. I follow people who are clear, funny, and give me great things to read. I do not do much on my Twitter account other than post my recent blog posts or poems. I can’t really — I do not do that well at typing on the fly. I end up with horrible grammatical errors that send me into a panic. I also end up saying things that I either later regret or someone misunderstands.

At first I thought that this social networking would be a good thing for me. 

Overall it is not bad as long as I limit my interactions with people who confuse me. I am a little freaky about how many friends I have too. It really only has to do with numbers, not people. Hard to explain. On my personal account I started to get panicky when I exceeded 50 friends. People from my past started popping up and wanting to be friends. Some of them I ignored others I was happy to see. Now that I am at 111 I do not want any more friends it’s nothing personal I just want to keep 111. If I could get a round of people to friend me and get to 122 that may work. BUT that would be it 122 is my limit on my personal account. (Strange, I know.) I actually did not want to go past 99, but I was forced to because of family. Again some of them I do not mind, others um…no comment. I do have them hidden, but I know that they are still there. I hate the feeling of being obligated to keep someone as a “friend” who is not. I really hate it when I know for a fact that they do not care in the slightest about me or my family. Unless of course I am “failing”.

I sometimes wish I did not set up a personal account. 

At times I go through frantic posting phases with all of the new information that I find. Or posts that I read that I think are informative and awesome. I pretty much stopped posting photos now because no one cares. I get hit with the feeling like people think I am stupid, or something. It mainly happens when I have posted things that are my special interest about science or math (numbers) only to see other people post it months later as a new revelation. I find it ironic that they would miss my post when they were on FB at the same time. It’s possible, but after it happening several times it makes me wonder. The other thing is they do nothing at all, they say nothing. And I get all out of sorts because I cannot understand why no one would comment on something so amazingly, awesomely, way cooler than anything else going on in the world. Or at least click the “like” button.

Hello!

I do not know why I automatically think they must me ignoring me, or think that I must not understand what I am posting. I don’t know what my problem is. It is all social confusion, I guess. It does not help my “Angel is invisible and does not really exist” feelings; I will say. I cannot bring myself to defriend anyone though. It would hurt me too much to defriend them. (insert over-the-top eye roll here) I think my biggest problem is that I do not understand what people mean by their words. Let me make it clear this is a limited number of people that I am referring to, but it only takes one to send me into a mind spiral of confusion. I have gotten a lot better with this though it still can happen. The bounce back for my brain is much quicker now. It seems that I have a group of “friends” who use FB as a Passive/Aggressive Wonderland. On my dad’s side of the family there are hidden messages in their speech. I have always been confused by it and only figured out this was happening a few years ago without true comprehension…until this past year. However, the damage has been done. I ended up with friends and significant others who did the same thing to me. They would all get frustrated and upset at me when I didn’t do the “hidden” thing that I was supposed to do.

It is all so confusing.

It happened in other social dynamics too. I could not tell their tone, or what their non-verbal cues were so I did not do what was expected of me. I did not say what I was supposed to say. I find a lot of that stuff going on FB with certain personality types. I understand that now, some people I am perfectly fine it is the handful who throw me and get me all confused. I have learned my lesson and stay off of there when I am mentally, or emotionally exhausted. I know better than to read certain people’s posts or I just hide them when I’ve had enough. I didn’t realize why I disliked FB so much until today. It is not FB really it is the fakeness that comes out on there. It is the high school-ish feelings of being left out, ignored, not part of the “in” crowd. I have never been in the “in” crowd. I am all over the place. I am my own crowd with all my imaginations and whatnot’s.

I like all kinds of people who are real and enjoy speaking their minds without judgment.

I get bent out of shape when I read comments that are judgmental, or condemning of other beliefs and ideas. It can send me into a frenzy. I recall one instance that happened with my cousin. (However, not limited to one that would be another reason for my lack of commenting or posting on FB.)They posted something about the U.S. being a certain type of nation — I pulled up a study with graph charts and everything and proved that they were incorrect. They deleted my comment. I emailed and asked why my comment had been deleted, they said that it “Deterred from the message that they were trying to make”. The message was unequivocally WRONG!

It did not matter to them at all.

What they believed, which is dividing and casts people of different beliefs into a “we vs. them” category, was more important than trying to bridge the divide. I was not rude about it I shared with a “Why don’t you think about this?” kind of attitude. This is another reason why I have to stay off at times. When people put up their views as absolute, but will not even consider a discussion. They will not consider in the least bit that there are other people who may be offended or even hurt by their posts. It makes me want to give a grand history lesson about our country, or send them the cycles of U.S. History  (The cycles is a theory, but it is very interesting and it helped me to see some of my black-and-white thinking.) so they can study for themselves where they fall into. Sigh…Not to condemn or judge, but in hopes that their eyes could be opened to seeing people instead of labels. I would like to send them a lot of different things. I will not share them all here today in hopes of not getting sidetracked.

It hurts too badly sometimes to see judgmental and harsh posts of any kind.

I know I can be too sensitive that is why I have taken to controlling my FB personal account when in “hypersensitive” mode. It drives me batty to see those things — it really sends me when I know information about their own lives that could be judged by the same harsh terms, but they would be deeply hurt if someone were to do so. I do not think it is right to judge them either, but I am making a point here. Despite all of that I still find some great pleasures on there as well. I “like” quite a few pages. I have my world of musicians, poetry pages, philosophy, sciences, various blogs, and other aspie’s that I thoroughly enjoy seeing on my facebook page. I like how I can go on there and see new music, see how my aspie’s friends are being silly, or autism parents sharing what their day is like with their child(ren) on the spectrum. It helps me to see that there are others who are experiencing the same things I am in a day. I like going to my Twitter account and reading great links, and finding new resources. My mind can get so consumed with things and I forget that I am not alone in this. Facebook and Twitter have helped me feel connected and for that I am thankful. Google+ well that is a little secret right now….

It makes me feel a bit better knowing that others are on Facebook all up in their Twitter too.

My recent FB interactions have stirred me to rewatch certain documentaries.

Purple State of Mind: Official Film Trailer

God In America

I cannot remember if I have shared about Generation Theory before I was fixated on it a couple of years ago and I constantly see connections to it. I find it very captivating indeed.

Life Course Associates (Strauss-Howe website theorists responsible for Generation Theory)

Generational Theories by Strauss and Howe

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Friday I was completely exhausted, mentally and physically. My body retaliated all week (still is) and I finally gave into some medication. I am always apprehensive because I never know what will work, and my body responds in strange ways to medicine. I caved and tried some extra strength Bayer, it has been working at least I have been able to get some sleep. I was very excited about going to see the play Into the Woods with my mom and sisters. I was unable to sit still so I went outside with my iPod shuffle, it was rainy and a little cold, but it was SO cool! (They were coming to pick me up.) I watched the small rain midst shower down through the light of my lamp post in my yard. (I really like the lamp post so does Daniel.) The lines of water showering down, in the light, against the black sky, to music was a very happy moment for me.

I tried to control myself from dancing because of my shoulder, but I could not.

It helped me to be calm while I waited. My interactions with my sisters can be very negative or very positive. When my mom is in the midst of the dynamic it is all very strange. I am not sure how to explain it. Since I am the oldest by birth, but not the oldest by same mother/father sibling there is a weird kind of atmosphere that takes place with my eldest of the two sisters. The same thing happens with my eldest of the three sisters with my dad and step mom. With these particular sisters there is an odd dynamic because I took care of them a large portion of their young lives. I was with them all the time, watched them, took care of the house, and had the mom role. My mom worked a lot of hours during their lives and was unable to spend a great deal of time with them until about their teenage years. Long(er) story.

In their eyes my role was confusing because I was sister/mom.

To be honest it was confusing for all of us. I managed my mom’s emotions as much as possible and was the go between with them for a long time, until I left. Still any time in the past or even now I feel the need to explain my mom’s behaviors because my sisters get upset or confused. The funny thing is that my mom does the same thing for me with them when I am not around. We understand each other even if we do not understand how it feels, or we do not feel the same way. We know how to explain each other’s behavior to others. Our ability to do this with true understanding and acceptance has only happened in recent months. My mom and I may have been able to explain each other, but not because we had a comprehension of why. We understood from patterns we observed in each other that certain things would cause meltdown/shutdown. We were trying to control our emotions as well as everyone else.

Our acceptance of each other is new.

AS(pergers) has explained a lot for us and has cleared up a lot of past hurts between us. My sisters forget, kind of… um, still unwilling to accept that my mom and I are on the spectrum. Both mom and I are going in for a diagnosis because if it is not AS what is it? All signs point to AS, but there could be a chance of something else and we need to know. I know, I know I am SO sidetracked lately. I have a lot to process. They arrived and my sister whose birthday it was started to get out of the front seat to let me sit. I thought that was strange, I told her I would sit in the back. She asked: “Are you sure?” How silly! I said: “Of, course, silly!” I sat in the back with my sister who loves skeletons and vampires, and anything dark and creepy. (Yes, I was blamed once again that night for her love of “creepy” things.)

We headed out and were completely silly.

My mom was playing a Frank Sinatra CD. My sister who is a complete Hip Hop/Reggae fanatic also LOVES Frank Sinatra. We are all musically eclectic. (Thanks mom ) I started laughing at some of the lyrics. We were just plain silly. I couldn’t stop snorting – that made everyone laugh. I have a contagious laugh I have been told on several occasions. The playhouse was crowded and small. We did not know what to expect because it is never easy to tell how things will turn out around here. We got into our crammed seats, and the buzz of talking was a lot. The smell of people was driving me crazy. It was all too close, I was glad that I sat between my two sisters because otherwise I might not have made it so close to strangers who smell like perfume or who breathe on me!

The whole play was awesome!

The actors were great performers. I was very impressed with how professional and talented they were. I absolutely loved the play. If you have not heard of it, basically it takes several of Grimm Brothers fairy tales and mixes them all up and twists them into one storyline. I love fairy tales, myths, Aesop’s fables all of that I love it! So does “creepy” loving sister. My other sister was getting very annoyed with all the singing and stuff and started getting very negative. In the past I would have gotten very upset, but instead I ignored her. I was having too much fun. The clapping didn’t even bother me sometimes I have to cover my ears when people clap. The acoustics was just right though so the voices sounded fabulous and it all felt muffled in a good way. It wasn’t as daggering into my ears. At the end I clapped and clapped and yelled:”YEA!” I was bouncing in my seat. My sisters just laughed at me, this behavior is not new. It is new for me to realize that I am doing it though.

It has made a difference to know why people are looking at me funny.

In their world rightfully so, I am a grown woman who seems to be acting like a child. My negative Nelly sister was annoyed with the song Into the Woods that I could not resist singing during the intermission and changing the lyrics. It helped her to laugh and start making up her own lyrics. The video I shared has the ending the song as well. The message made me tear up, but I am not sure why it moved me so much. The “Children will listen” thing really got me. By the time it was over my mom hightailed it out of there. She ran over several elderly folks and left us in a dash. My sister’s thought she went to the restroom because she always has to go pee. Sorry she does it is of high frustration while taking her anywhere.   We stood by the restroom waiting, but then she came zooming up to us and said: “Come on! I was already outside.”

Here is where I realized my role with clarity.

My sister got angry. She is an emotional person — everything is said out of pure emotion. She started saying some negative things, and then said: ‘I am never going anywhere with any of you ever again!” Kind of loud. She said: “I hate this, she always acts like this. She always gets all mad and then storms out of wherever we are.” (Referring to my mom) I told her that I didn’t think mom was angry at all. I explained that she HAD to get out of there. It was crowded, loud, confining, and mom freaks out if she feels trapped. It was surprising she made it through the play because she felt trapped the whole time. My mom was exhausted, it was 11pm she had been up since 2:30 am, she worked a full day unloading a truck (she is 56), and she is normally in bed no later than 8 pm. My sister was frustrated because she had to get up at 4 am and make two wedding cakes the next day.

I explained that mom was not doing anything toward us.

I tried to explain to her why mom was acting the way she was. My sister was not accepting it I started singing the song “Into the Woods” with lyrics about her pissy attitude. (Sorry that is the best word for it.) I then cuddled up on her shoulder because we ALL hate that! NO TOUCHY! All four of us do not like being touched so what better way to torture her. Since I was inflicting the torture I was alright with the touching. She was able to snap out of it because who can stay angry while a grown woman dressed like Amelia Earhart in her amazing black knee-high boots and black scarf singing silly songs; skipping down the middle of the road; is proclaiming her love for you? Come on! In the midst of all of this my mom who was speed racing to the car and completely oblivious to my raging sister said: “Man, I just had to get out of that place. I felt like I was trapped!” I looked at my sister with a “See!” look.

On the way home we continued our silly songs.

I shared with them the reasons for my several occasions of random outburst of laughter while everyone else was completely silent. It was made clear from the beginning that if we felt the need to laugh by all means do it, and I did! Like the time they went to a new scene, all was dark, the lights came on and there was a lone stump of wood. I started laughing loudly and covered my mouth. The thought that popped through my head was “Got wood?” Why? I don’t know. Before the show started, I was digging around in my purse for gum and found a fork instead. I pulled out my fork and asked: “Do you want a fork?” This is why I don’t go out much. Ha ha ha I meant both of them literally, but I understood from past experience that other people thought of it differently. That was the reason I laughed so hard about the wood I was laughing at seeing my naïvety.

I don’t remember putting a fork in my purse.

I do put strange things in there… often. I realized how much I am the go between with my mom and sisters — I am mostly the comic relief. That is my role a lot of the times. Not in this situation, but in many others I can see where I pushed down any of my feelings, stopped my words so I could bring laughter and peace to a situation. I am very thankful for all of these experiences that have come about this week. It has helped me a great deal in understanding my unhealthy patterns, seeing my new healthy patterns, and gaining a little freedom from anxieties that used to debilitate me. See it, learn from it, and move on. I tell you what though I will always believe in fairy tales. And maybe that night I encountered Zennyo Ryūō.

I was very giddy and found that the song playing was quite fitting.

 Young At Heart — Frank Sinatra

Fairy tales can come true, it can happen to you
If you’re young at heart.
For it’s hard, you will find, to be narrow of mind
If you’re young at heart.

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I have had an eye opening week — in several ways. I have learned that I definitely need limitations with social activities I knew this before, but I needed to stretch myself, and the kids. I also learned some more about friendship, and myself. I am apprehensive in relationships because I have had friends turn on me in an instinct. I have had relationships (including family) where people were not honest, or they played games by emotionally manipulating me and I was clueless. (I say was, but I am still clueless though a little wiser.) I had friends this week do some pretty caring things for me and it made me stop and think. I do not know how to be accepted by others. I found myself dumfounded during moments this week. I have spent all of my time trying to be accepting of others, and now I have been working on trying to accept myself. It has been a new challenge and slightly awkward to accept being accepted by others.

I have not had many “real” friends at all.

I saw with complete clarity that my one friend that I have here is the only girlfriend in real life (I am excluding internet friends, but I have never mirrored you either. ) who I did not mirror to some extent. I did not take on any part of her identity — she never made feel like I needed to. I know it has taken a long time for me to understand that she and I are friends that we are actual very good friends. I realized how much time and consideration she has taken to get to know me. I have done the same with her, but I have never felt an equal involvement in a friendship before. I was usually fulfilling a need, or role for the other person. I didn’t know what a mutual friendship looked like. I had several of my friends do this for me this week. They have been kind, and understanding toward me. It was kind of overwhelming. I was not sure how I felt about it at all.

This particular friend is going to my mom’s Bible study every Thursday.

I am going this month until my dance lessons start back up in March. (Hopefully) I was completely off on Thursday because I was tired and my shoulder/arm was hurting very badly. I ended up being late and it was an awkward night anyway. Something felt off, but I was not sure what. One of the ladies was upset about something that manifested into a rant about all of her political and lifestyle views that she claims are the Biblical way. She isn’t normally like this and it upset me very much. I kept my mouth shut as much as possible, but there was a quote in the book that we were using that ended up being quite appropriate. I read it out loud, gave my perspective, and hoped that she would see how much she was operating in the negative ways that the quote was saying we should not be. I am not sure she did, but the other ladies got me. I am completely off topic here I have to share the quote though because I think it is very good.

“In God’s community things are different. People are treated with full dignity and respect — no hurting, no hurling, no hoarding, no attacks, no withdrawing.”

As she sat spewing all of her anger, and judgment I saw many people that I have experienced who claim these very words of this quote while attacking those who are not part of their “group” in the same breath. It disturbed me very much. I had a whole rant that I took out here because I am trying to stay focused. Back to my original purpose. My friend knew how much this upset me and her calm nature helped me a lot. It also helped that she spoke her mind as well — she is much more diplomatic than I am. She was brought up in the church so she knows how to word things to not sound as aggressive as I do sometimes. I did do pretty well overall. I had a big moment as well because I did not doubt my feelings. I have strong opinions about the areas and people the woman was attacking, but in the past I would have doubted or questioned my opinions.

It has helped me a great deal to be in an online community that is so accepting.

It has helped a great deal to read, and see that other people feel the way I do. Not because we agree, we may have differing opinions or ideas in other areas, but it is ok and allowed, most of all it is respected. (However, a lot of us seem to be very accepting because we have all been the outcasts and the misfits at some point if not still in our life. It makes us very empathetic towards those who we see as being attacked unjustly, or because of their differences.) For the first time this week I have experienced accepting the acceptance of others. Do you know how hard that is? My friend talked to me a little bit after the study she apologized for not being able to stick around and talk some more, she then looked at me and said: “I miss you.” I heard her, but didn’t know how to respond. I miss her too. The words were too hard to say. I started blabbering about something I am not sure and she stopped me, looked right at me and asked: “Did you hear me?”

I need people to do that for me sometimes.

I looked at her and said: “Yes, I heard you.” I then forced myself to say the words: “I miss you too.” I then said: “I want to hug you.” I did want to and I did hug her. Too much hugging this week! My words were not forced because I didn’t mean them. They were forced because I DID mean them. When I say words that are directly from my heart it is physically painful and awkward. The words can cost me nothing if I have categorized them in a certain way in my mind, but if I say them from my heart it takes a piece of me with them as they come out of my mouth and vaporize into the air. There is now a part of me existing into the universe and I do not want those words that are so painful to give to be for not. Does that make sense? Maybe I sound silly. It does hurt though to say meaningful words like that. I feel too exposed and vulnerable. I feel this all the time with my poetry or stories. I feel more exposed in sharing that part of me because those words are usually straight from my heart even if I do not understand them when I write them. I get really panicky about some of my posts on here, but the more I’ve shared the easier it has gotten.

I had an epiphany.

It was the first time that I ever noticed how much those words meant to her too. I understood that she really does care about me. She really does miss me. She really is my friend. It was kind of mind-boggling this week to have so many positive experiences. I have been getting over my “commenting” anxiety as well and stepping out on other blogs because I know how much it costs to put personal experiences out there and I also have related to a lot of them. I still have anxiety about it that is why I love the “like” button some days.   I admit though I have not had so many people be nice and so accepting before and it is a little hard to comprehend. In my life I have not experienced a lot of encouragement or positive interactions. They have mainly been one-sided mostly on my part having to mirror in order to be accepted. I would then, explode because I couldn’t keep up the façade anymore. Being allowed to be myself and being accepted is a lot to take in.

Don’t get me wrong it is awesome — it is just hard to accept being accepted!

P.S. I do not want to use semicolons anymore. I do not like the way they dangle on my page. I have taken to the dash. 1) Because I like saying dash. 2) Because it is straight and horizontal. 3) Because everyone knows that the semicolon is on its way out. (This is my punctuation humor.) I have started to get anxiety about my grammar again so…I had to let myself off the hook (again) about my grammar and such with this blog otherwise I will spend days editing. AND it still will not be right. :-/ I have to get it all out and let it go. It’s true though I am not sure how I feel about the semicolon anymore…. Hee hee (I only do this grammar thing to myself I am never like this for other people.)

Phenomenology of Punctuation

In Search of the Semicolon

Save the Semicolon

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Wednesday was surprisingly calm. I had anticipated a few more meltdowns, or squabbles because of “conversation confusion”. The conversation confusion that happens around here can lead to some serious verbal throw-downs and at times doll accessories or Hex Bugs being tossed. Ok, those items did get thrown, but not in the usual “I am mad you because you confused me with what you said, and I do not understand why you would say that” type of way. It was all sensory processing and coming down from the anticipation of the wedding only to rise back into anticipation for the movie related. What I mean by verbal throw-downs a recent conversation between Joshua and Ariel:

Joshua: I need a red Lego for my ship. (Sound of digging through Lego’s ouch to my ears.)

Ariel: That is not a red Lego.

Joshua: Yes, it is red.

Ariel: No, it’s  not it is dark red.

Joshua: It is red.

Ariel: Look, it is dark red this one is red.

(Compare two different Lego’s indeed one is darker.)

Joshua: Just get away from me, you are overloading me.

Ariel: It’s not red! It’s dark red.

Joshua: (Hands over ears) Leave me alone.

Ariel: (tiny fists clenched) Arrrgggg! (run to room and curl up with dragons)

I get everyone calmed down and we have a lesson on color perception, and how it is ok to call things simply one color. Ariel thought she was helping him, and Joshua didn’t understand why she was interrupting his Lego play, plus he felt he was correct because technically it is a shade of red that he felt everyone else would call red too. (They are both correct.) Verbal throw-downs are like that. Sidetracked much? I already had a feeling that David taking Ariel and Joshua to see Star Wars: Episode I in 3D was not going to go well, but I also knew that he really wanted to do that with them. I knew that they really wanted to go as well. I had already anticipated they would not make it through the whole film.

We have only been to the movies once.

We saw “Up” at AMC it was a “Sensory Friendly Film”. It went well Daniel made it through most of the movie, but it was the aftermath that was too much. It took days for all of us to recover. The last church we were going to is (“is” because they are still there) in a movie theater like that and every week it was loud, had too many flashing lights, the smells, the carpet designs, the arcade room, and on and on the sensory consuming mass took over our brains and it would take a few days to recover. AND that was not even watching a movie! I knew Ariel would be ok, even though she would not be afterwards. Joshua is another story. The poor little guy has to wear the noise cancelling headphones when sitting at the table to eat. I feel for him– I can’t even eat at the table. (Eating at tables with people can be very hard for me on multiple levels.) He gets overloaded at crunching, or any other mouth noises you can think of. He is the loudest and most high-pitched, but he cannot handle it if someone else is.

He gets so upset with Daniel sometimes.

Daniel will be breathing too loud sometimes, not to the rest of us, but to Joshua. Joshua gets exhausted and frustrated with sounds and too much visual stimulation. If his circuits are all scattered I cannot understand a word he is saying. It turns into high-pitched “wahsakhiiahiajgkj;aslkdguigh;”and I am all “What? I can’t understand you.” This turns into Joshua screaming like this: “Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!” and running into his room, shutting the door until he has calmed down. He then has either forgotten what he was saying or he is able to speak clearly. It is not a happy time for any of us. The great thing about Joshua is that he does his scream or voices his frustration and is able to go back to his normal happy self. Sometimes it takes longer than other times, when he feels like he has hurt someone’s feelings or if he feels like someone has treated him unjustly.

Focus, Angel. Short version. (HA!)

I told them they had to wear their headphones — Ariel said she couldn’t because they were choking her. Yes, they were on her head and not on her neck. We had to come up with an alternate noise canceller. We found a Scooby-Doo head wrap and a pink, green, and white striped hat. (Ariel and I both love this hat it has a cool tassel ball on top. I have such a small head that I can wear her hats. ) I got over my anxieties about them leaving and was happy that they were able to go. Daniel and I had planned on reading some of the new books we got, make a Hex Bug book, play some games on the Hex Bug site, and of course play with Hex Bugs. Because everyone knows that Hex Bugs are the only thing in the world that matter. AND they have an awesome website that is way fun. I mean… Daniel really loves them. He does I like the website. Ok! They go around and around through hexagons! Their home is hexagons! Who doesn’t love that??

David and the kids left.

Daniel was a little upset and didn’t understand at first why he couldn’t go. I explained to him again where they were going and asked if he wanted to go see a movie. He said that he did not, but he had tears in his eyes. He was getting upset and trying to rub the tears away. I asked him if he was worried because he asked about the car, he said no. I asked him if he felt left out he said no. I asked him if he knew what he was feeling he said no. He was getting very frustrated with the tears and started throwing his body, getting ready to go into a meltdown. He buried his head in my lap and started to get a little aggressive so I asked him to please sit up. I told him that it was ok to cry, and this stopped him. He looked at me and asked:”Why?” He then asked: “Why am I crying?” I told him: “I don’t know, but it’s ok to cry. Mommy cries all the time.”

He kind of giggled, then smiled, but tried to hide it.

I told him sometimes we just need to cry and it makes us feel better. He accepted this, the tears stopped, and we played Hex Bugs and finished our other plans as well. However, the phone rang; David and the kids were coming home. Joshua started getting a headache. I think they made it through 1/3 of the movie. I knew that Ariel was very upset I could feel it through the phone. When they walked in the door they had just realized they left her hat at the theater. Not good. David forgot she had it because she took it off. She ran into her room. I went in there with her and held her. Daniel wouldn’t leave, and he was smiling and laughing and looking at her. I asked him if he was trying to make her feel better and he said: “Yes!” He was very worried about her, but an outsider would have thought he was being insensitive. He was not he was showing empathy his way.

He bounced on her bed, and then got her Hex Bug for her.

She did not want the Hex Bug, but he was trying to help her. He tried to tickle her too. She was completely shutdown in my arms. She then started crying uncontrollably. I asked Daniel to go get some tissues for her and he did. He then sat on her bed and talked about her dragons trying to make her happy. She was not listening she couldn’t. I asked her if she was upset about the movie and if she wanted to go back. She could not answer and she had no idea why she was crying. I know that part of the reason for the tears was that the plan got messed up. It threw everything off even though I tried to prepare her that they may have to leave. She was upset at Joshua, but felt bad for feeling upset because he could not help it. She was overloaded from going to the wedding the night before, and from the movie theater. She wanted to see the movie so badly though that she didn’t care. I just held her for about 15 minutes while she sobbed.

I had gone through that the day before.

I had my own social anxieties on Tuesday that I had not considered because I was feeling so calm, and happy from the positive experience at the movies. I was handling my anxiety in a much more positive way, but my brain was still processing all of the movie experience and processing the anticipation for that evening. I had my crash Tuesday afternoon. Ariel had her crash Wednesday evening. I always forget to think about how much energy it takes for us to process our whole environment. I forget how much additional time it takes to process. I am aware of our sensory and social issues, but when I am not in a panic I think everything is fine. I tend to forget that I will still be affected. I can remember this for the kids, but I forget for myself. The idea of processing is understood, but I forget that everything is taken in. In the movie theater alone, I took in smells, visuals, details in the carpet, I noticed the light fixtures that were broken, I noticed the woman next to me was wearing beige boots, with white socks, and she had short black hair (she came in when it was dark), I heard buzzing, and saw flashes, and I was consumed in the emotions of the movie and every detail with that.

I am stopping there, but I could go on in greater detail.

I know that the kids go through this, and it is especially difficult for the kids to understand why I do not let them go to certain places that are full of sensory stimulation. It seems like I am being cruel at times by not letting them go places or do things, but I have to weigh the consequences. They are not able to explain their social anxieties right now, but I am seeing some of the signs. This week is one of those times that I knew we all had to experience new things, but I also prepared myself for outcomes like leaving the movie early, meltdown/shutdowns, and tears. Ariel was able to cry it out and be ok. She and David will attempt the movies another time alone. Joshua came home and built all the ships that he did see in the short time of watching the movie they were pictures in his mind.

This whole crying thing is good for all of us to accept.

I had to let all my tears out the other day; I did have a few yesterday as well. I cried because my brain was processing, my body was trying to recover from the heightened emotions and the chemicals that are soaring through it. I was on a complete happy high, so of course to balance it out my brain is going to produce the chemicals needed to bring balance. We all do this, but for those of us with sensory and anxiety issues it is like a double dose. I think it could be why some of us get diagnosed as Bipolar. Just a theory. Everything worked out and we are all back to our overloaded normal selves. I am quite exhausted, but I am happy to report that I am not feeling depressed or down. I have listened to my body and have taken recovery time. I have not condemned myself for sitting and watching a movie. We all did what we needed to do in order for our brains to process. I think we will wait a bit longer for Joshua to go to the movies. Ariel will have to go soon though because she is still a little bummed about that.

Lesson for this week:

“Tears are a release and can be a good thing.” They do not always reflect emotions, but they can be the body’s way of release when you do not know how to regulate your sensory or social world. I know I accepted this about myself…kind of. I will help the kids accept it too. I do ask for some prayers, happy thoughts, positive vibes, or whatever because my entire right shoulder feels like it is ripping off of the bone. I am not kidding some serious pain up in here. It is progressing to my neck and a little in my arm. It gets worse when I lay down. No likey! I am going to a play tonight I hope it starts to ease, it has been hurting for a few days now. It is making it difficult to type, do laundry, basically anything, but it’s not stopping me, I probably should rest it. I am not good at resting. Oh! I got a picture of the cake from the wedding, (I took it off of fb I don’t think they would mind.) and other pictures from the day. And a frog I found last night. And a picture of a dragon that Ariel drew with her eyes closed…Ok, I am done, really.

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Alright yesterday I was sickly, I cried, I felt horrible for a while, and was drained. It happened later closer to noon. I spend most of the day in shutdown mode, so my flying high social movie event caused me to crash. Good news. At around 4pm I was able to sob it all out in the shower, I made dinner, and I told myself that I was going to a barn wedding and that was awesome. I was able to bounce back. I will add that it was a little stressful with the kids having their own anxiety issues about going. It was all new, and they didn’t know what to expect. I dwindled my day away by watching the History channel with the kids. We did learn things – no one was in any frame of mind for school so we took a sick day.

I was very slow going and had to rush to get myself ready.

I tend to do that a lot I think of other things to do besides getting ready to go somewhere. The next thing I know I am running late because I just HAD to organize my make-up at that moment. It HAD to be done right then and there before anything else could happen. I don’t even have a lot of make-up, but I managed to waste time to make me a little later. I chose a dress that has cool patterns on it that I like so if I got annoyed or bored with people, then I could stare at them. I also wore my pointy toe boots that I do not wear that often because they felt fun. I called mom and said that we would meet her at her house and head out since we were going in kind of the back woods.

Mom and I thought the wedding was at 6:30pm.

We got there with about ten minutes to spare. We walked in and thought that it had not started yet. A lady from our old church came up and talked to me, she is a very sweet person. She actually does not go to that old church anymore either. After a few minutes of talking, it was revealed that the ceremony was at 6pm. Aaaaahhhhh! What????? Oh, goodness. Mom and I sat looking at each other — we both shutdown. We both felt horrible. She started to tear up. I took over, and told her that there was nothing we could do and we needed to find our friend. I knew that would calm mom down. If she talked to our friend she could snap out of it even though the guilt and bad feelings would still be there. (It was our friend’s daughter getting married.) I am friends with the groom’s mom as well.

My guilt took away all fears, and anxieties.

I had to find them. I went straight to the bride’s mom and hugged her and then confessed. Of course she was very nice, but then was very concerned about mom. She has been friends with my mom for about 14 years. She knows what my mom will do to herself for making such a mistake. The woman is very much an NT, but she has four daughters with learning disabilities, sensory integration, and at one time her youngest was considered on the spectrum, but she refused to get a formal diagnosis and considers her completely healed. I am not sure that she was on the spectrum, there are other factors there. I am not going into it though. The woman is accepting of my mother’s AS and that is all I care about. I then went to the groom’s mom and confessed she was very nice and just happy that we made it.

Sigh of relief.

They both told me to go say: “Hi” to the bride and groom. I do not know them as well. I was a little anxious because I did not know what to say. My mind was blank, BUT I saw the cake it had an OWL on it. I squealed. I looked at them, congratulated them, and said something I cannot even remember, and then I said: “You have an owl on your cake! Owls are awesome!” After that I lost all of my words, and I was standing with Daniel and looking silly. There was an awkward silence, with them smiling at me and Daniel. I could finally hear the music and I got excited and blurted out: “Is this Explosions?” They looked at me funny. I blurted out: “Is this Explosions in the Sky?” They just continued to look at me funny. I scanned the bridesmaids looking for someone to confirm what I was hearing. The last one had a mouth full, but gave me a thumps up. I said: “Yes!”

At that point I could not recover and basically walked away to get a close up of the cake.

I had a feeling that I was going to see an owl. Ha ha I really did. I was hoping it was real though. I later took the kids up to see the cake because Ariel and Joshua had not seen it. We went up and I let them have a little punch. While we were walking down the stairs I heard another song that I love. It was Regina Spektor singing “Us”. I said: “Oh, it’s Regina Oh! It’s Us!” I was a little loud — I didn’t care and I was singing. It wasn’t that I didn’t care it was that I didn’t really notice until a guy turned around and looked at me. He smiled so I guess it was ok. The music threw me because the people that I am talking about were not listening to any music except Christian music the last time I was around them. I was not expecting it. I also was NOT expecting to hear Explosions, or Regina who I love both of which I have happy connections to. Bonus for me and it helped me be calm.

The barn was not a real barn.

I was hoping for animals and hay and stuff. It was on a nice lake and had fabulous huge trees that I would imagine great owls to be living in. I got some pictures. There were deer heads on the wall I got a picture of that. I was very social so I will probably crash at some point. I did enjoy myself. Here is the big accomplishment. I was not full of anxiety before, during or after. I did act spazzy, but I fooled everyone. I mean that I did not have the fearful anxiety. I had my normal dose, but I was not afraid for the sake of being afraid. I did not panic. I did not hyperventilate beforehand. I did not freak out when I found out that we missed the wedding ceremony.

This is huge because I did not know who to expect to be there.

I know these people from the church that was a negative experience. Most of them have left that church, but I knew that there would be a few who still attend that church. I did not know who or how many. There was one of the moms of an autistic boy there. The boy is now 18 I think. He is considered high functioning, but is unable to live on his own. When I met the woman she told me that she would not allow her son to hand flap, stim, fidget, or anything like that. As I watched her son he was very calm, sat still the whole time in his chair. She was sitting right next to him and I did not see her smile once. She looked at me several times which made me notice that I was finger twirling and swaying to the music.

I did not stop.

I also noticed her looking at Daniel as he swayed back and forth to the music, jumped up and down, I jumped with him. She glared at him as he ran back and forth looking at the lights and ceiling fans. She would not look me in the face. She kept her stone face as she watched Ariel, Joshua, Daniel and me twirl, dance, jump, rock, hand flap, and stare. (We were not being obnoxious, it was our subtle stims. Those who are familiar with autism would notice these things other people tend to not notice “most of the time” everyone has their own fidget or whatever. It was a wedding so no one really noticed at all.) The only reason I noticed her was because she was at the next table sitting with her family. At church she would sit next to me sometimes and point out things that Daniel was doing and would tell me that she did not allow her son to those things, but “That is just me” she would say. It always confused me.

We all stood there doing our thing with big smiles.

And guess what? Other people smiled too. I didn’t care what anyone thought, and she was the only one who seemed to be offended. We had fun, and went to the store afterwards for a treat because we couldn’t eat the wedding cake. The kids and I were in the front of the store and a woman from that same church we used to go to saw me. She came right up and hugged me and wished me a Happy Valentine’s Day. I wasn’t shaken at all. I was able to hug back and not get freaked out. All this hugging is probably going to make me itchy today.  It may all hit me later. That was a huge moment too though because she was one of them that said to me that Daniel was not the way God intended him to be and she was praying for the autism to go away.

It was good for me to see her.

I am working through anger about things like that and when I saw her I was not angry at all. I understood that she does not have a clear understanding of autism. And I know that she will not because she is in a system that will not allow it. It does not allow her to. She cannot leave that system because it is her group and if she goes against the group she will be rejected. She will be alone. She cannot handle that rejection. It has nothing to do with me or Daniel. It is her issue and her issue does not have to be mine. I am free — my kids are free and happy. As far as I am concerned she needs my compassion, I would like for her to understand our world. I would like for her to understand how hurtful it is for people to say things like that, but she won’t. I cannot control that I can control the self-confidence, the self-acceptance, and general acceptance of others in my life. I can raise my kids to be accepting of others.

That is all I can do, I wish I could change people’s minds.

The only way anything will change is through being myself no matter how people treat me or look at me, and to teach my kids the same thing. Either they accept it or they don’t. It is very hard, and I am sure I will have a good rant again about how people piss me off! I did understand it for a moment though. Possibly it had something to do with two posts I read recently that really got me thinking. Letting Go Of Pain From The Past With Compassion and When Another Person Makes You Suffer. They were very timely and I am feeling very good about working through these anger issues of mine. I am finding that I am not raging angry at all, I am changing. My anger is being rightfully felt, processed, and turned into compassion. The first step is to accept that it is ok to be angry. Anger is stirred for a reason, but I do not need to use my anger to attack or harm others.

That is not me anyway.

Side Note: Here is how my mom and I are different. After I told the moms that we missed the wedding ceremony I went and told my mom that I told them. She panicked, and said: “Why did you do you that? I was going to tell her on another day.” I told her I couldn’t handle the guilt, and I had to know that they were ok. I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t tell them. My mom felt like it was worse to tell them on the wedding day. It turned out my way was better because mom was able to feel relief and comfort from our friend’s acceptance. My mom laughed at me though, she knew full well that I HAD to confess. I always do.

P.S. Those who received my panicked email about accidentally publishing my chaotic ramblings from last night in a completely unedited version using the WordPress App for the iPad that is a horrible grammar checker, and I cannot use a touch pad very well…deep breath. Sorry for all the typos and I am still not recovered so this post may be “all wacky tobaccy” too. HA! Thank you for not reading and deleting immediately. (Yes, I just created very long run-on sentence.)

Now for some Photos! Yee-Haw love me some barn weddings! (They did not turn out that great, but I got boot and shoe shots.)

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Finally! Mom and I got to go to see the movie The Artist. I know, I know I have been talking about it a lot. I REALLY wanted to take my mom, and I REALLY wanted to see it too. It surpassed all expectations for me. I cannot express how awesome it was. The details that were filtered throughout were incredible. Mom and I both wondered how many people caught them. Some of them were faintly embedded while others were so blatant that it could be missed because it seemed to blend right in. I am not giving anything way.

The storyline was fabulous.

The actors were wonderful, I could not take my eyes off of the screen except or a few parts where it was spinning. My vertigo was getting triggered. There was also a scene with close-ups of mouths that freaked me out and I could not look at that. It was an added detail though that made the movie brilliant. I just have a thing about mouths being all up in my face. Actually I have issues with people’s mouths anyway I try not to look too long at them because it freaks me out. Lol! My mom watches mostly black-and-white films. She does not venture far from her oldies movie channel. She does enjoy other movies — she has gone and does go to the movies with my sisters often.

They like chick flicks, and romantic comedies, and stuff like that.

It is very amusing for my mom to like romantic comedies nowadays because she flat out says she does not understand “love”. I am not sure her reasoning for liking the flicks, she says she just likes them, but my sisters have to explain why people are acting a certain way, looking at each other a certain way, or she is surprised to discover that the main characters in fact are in love. They get quite annoyed with it. I can do the same thing with movies, and shows. I can watch it and have no idea what is going on with the social situation. I tend ask questions a lot with social dynamics.

Maybe that is why I like odd movies or tragic love stories, I understand those. Ha ha ha

Anyway it was halfway through the movie and my mom leans over and said: “Oh, this is black-and-white” I started laughing. She then got excited because other people were watching a black-and-white movie with her. She sees black-and-white movies in color. She describes everything she sees in those films and I must say her colors sound much better than the colorized versions of some old films. She does not like them colorized, she finds it offensive. Hee hee She asked me questions about what the characters were doing too. She didn’t understand some of the facial expressions, but she knew most of them. I did not understand one time, I wasn’t sure if George was upset, overwhelmed, confused, mom said that he was upset because he felt like Peppy was giving him charity.

He felt worthless.

She had helped him out of caring for him, but he didn’t know that. My mom asked me if George and Peppy liked each other. She couldn’t tell what their feelings were. I said: “Yes, they loved each other.” It made me doubt my interpretation, and I had to scan over the movie in my mind. This is kind of a pivotal thing I need to grasp, if others do not see or feel what I feel I assume that I am wrong. I especially, do this with love. I have been surrounded with people my whole life who have told me that I am wrong about how people feel about me, or that I am wrong about emotions. However, I later discover that I was right on many occasions. It can confuse me, and cause me to doubt myself very much. Back to the movie. The great thing about this story was that they made you feel true affinity. The connection was there, the affections were displayed and it was done in a tasteful most endearing way. I liked that a lot, I understood without a whole bunch of dialog confusing it for me. It made me smile. Both of the actors I thought were just beautiful.

I enjoyed both of their charm.

It was funny when I was explaining the relationship between the characters to my mom. I was explaining affinity, and the connection that they had. She finally said:”Oh, I get what you are saying. I just don’t get IT.” She was scanning through all of her relationships and could not think of one person she had that connection to. I have only felt it once, I am not sure if others feel it more than once or not. It was an interesting moment though. I looked at my mom and she seemed indifferent. She did not feel like she had missed out on that connection, you can’t miss what you have never felt and do not comprehend. I understand what she means I call it my “blankness” where I really have no connection to something, or comprehension of it. It is not that I am blank — I just cannot pull up anything in my data to compare it to. Does that make sense? I think mine is more about how people express them not so much that I do not get it.

No, no that is not true sometimes I am completely clueless.

I get it if I have a direct connection to it. I get it if I am able to take a scene from my own life and apply it to the situation. Otherwise, I am just like mom in being unable to “get it”. Both of us came to the conclusion that we both understood the majority of the film, and enjoyed it because there was no confusing dialog. Their faces were animated and expressed their emotion without unnecessary words. Their faces matched what was being expressed. The thing that confuses us the most in film and real life is the inconsistency between words and facial expressions. People have a happy face while giving hidden messages through their words, body language, tone, and all of that is confusing. We do not know what or how to read that. The movie was clear, direct, and silent so there was not the usual large amount of the background noise to filter through.

When we walked out of the theater we noticed how calm we were.

Normally, I am so overloaded after a movie that I dash out of there. I did not know in the past what all of the visuals before the movie did to me, and I did not know that all of the sounds, smells, and people affected my sensory. I would feel incredibly stimulated and excited for a few hours, and then I would crash and feel like I got stampede by a bunch of rhinoceros. Mom and I both were very excited after the movie and could not stop talking about it. We were asking each other questions like: “Did you see that one thing?” or “How awesome was that scene with the glass?” or “Oh, my that was an awesome shot!”

We both were amazed at how calm and happy were.

The normal response is “Let’s get home as soon as possible.” A major factor here as well is that my mom had one of the worst days. Her workday went wrong from the time she got there until she left. She said she should have had several meltdowns, but she did not. She kept telling herself that she was going to see this movie and she only needed to make to 1pm and get out of there. She was not a happy camper when she arrived here, but she was trying very hard. The movie lifted her spirits and gave her a lot of smiles. Me too.

The music was awesome!

I truly enjoyed listening to music while watching the movie. I did get all excited and was soft clapping, bouncing in my chair, swinging my legs, and squeezing myself tightly sometimes throughout the film. It just made me so happy. We both had the loudest laugh in the theater. It was not crowded, and it was an older crowd so that made it calm. I did not take my coat or scarf off the whole time. I was wrapped in my black fake fur, fuzzy coat that I have had for about 10 years now. I love it too much, and it is like a security blanket or something. I was freezing, while my mom was very hot. It was funny — my mom is normally freezing like me.

I am babbling.

I do not want to give anything away, but I have to share this story because it is so funny. There was a scene where George is going to kill himself — Peppy is racing in the car to get to him. She cannot drive and she is weaving and swerving all over the place. She ends up hitting a tree, but before you see that the screen has the word “BANG!” fill the screen. As mom and I drove home talking about the movie, our social skills, (lack of) and how it would be so much better if everyone would just pretend that we were in a silent film, my mom said: ‘Oh, look the color of their car matches their house.” I look up to see (I was fidgeting with something and not paying attention.) the medium that we were about to hit, and the only word that flew out of my mouth was: “Mama!” She looked forward swerved out of the way and parked the car.

We could not stop laughing.

I haven’t called her mama since I was a child — I don’t know where that came from. It caught her attention though and she did not run into the medium. My sisters get so upset with her for doing things like that. She has not been in a collision with a car, (collisions with other things yes.) but she is always getting sidetracked with things like that. Watch out if she sees an airplane the world stops. We both thought of the movie, and she said well at least we didn’t hear “BANG!” We both lost it again laughing until our bellies hurt because both of us saw the picture in our head at the same time of the word from the movie. It struck us funny that we both did it at the same time. We want to go see the movie again. I am so glad that we got to experience it. It felt good to feel “normal” in a movie for once, and to feel “normal” afterward as well.

I did get on a happy high, and then crashed, but I am doing pretty well this morning.

Except feeling a little awkward for sharing some of the silliness from my mind with someone, sometimes I need to think a little longer before sharing. BLAH! I guess this awkwardness too shall pass with that particular situation….Barn Wedding tonight! Lol! Another random thing from my brain. Google’s Doodle is awesomely-perfectly-wonderfully-stupendous today. Yea! Google Valentine! I will take jump roping any day and that valentine.

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I have a serious problem putting limitations on myself when it comes to people asking for money, or my time. I have since I was a child given things away if someone said they needed it. When I was a child though, I still would have connections too deep to certain items, like my Strawberry Shortcake figures. No one was getting those they were too close of friends to me. I had one of the normal dolls with the hair you could brush, but my favorites were the small little figures. They felt rubbery and smooth, they smelled good, they were small, and I kept them in a nice storage case. The case had little notches on the shelves, and the figures had a little hole on the bottom so they fit perfectly and would not move around. I liked to keep them neatly stored in their case — I did talk to them and look at them.

It was enjoyable to me to look at their order.

I must be thinking of that because of the treat from the other night.   I had a mix of toys some I had no problems getting rid of others I could not part with or else I would surely die of a broken heart. My stuffed animal turtle I received when I broke my arm was one that I kept well into my early twenties. I left my Strawberry Shortcake figures at my mom’s when I moved to another state at around age 24 or 25, they were ruined in a water pipe flood in the storage room. Those and several other of my childhood collections, and various items were ruined. My mom felt horrible for me. I lost my E.T. collection as well.

I am still sad.

I speak of “toys”, but my definition of toys include my collection of rocks, sticks, and bones of dead frogs that I found around our home. I kept the bones outside by the shed in case anyone was wondering. I also had Barbies, books, and my portable record player. My mom would let me get some pretty awesome “toys” that I would never let my kids play with, like the portable vintage hair dryer that came in a case, and a portable nail buffer. The nail buffer was very dangerous and I used it to sand wood…and rub off sticker, and buff rocks. I tried it on my nails one time but it burned my fingers. I was fairly careful about what objects I used it on. I used the hair dryer as a weather source for my stories — my stuffed animals would go through some rough tornadoes. I also used it to put on my head because I was always cold so it would warm me up.

My mom loves vintage items and used to collect them when it was not the “in” thing to do.

She also refurbished everything we had. She went to school for interior design, but was unable to finish being a single mom in the 70′s she had to work. We would drive around to small cities close to us to antique shops and garage sales on her days off. We got our furniture, decor, books, clothes, (She made our clothes too, she would reinvent used clothing items.) and my cool toys from these places. I used to get things like travel alarm clocks, (My favorite came in a brown square case, with fake gold trim and the numbers glowed green in the dark.) old pictures, whatever was odd, or interesting to me basically I loved. I went completely off topic into nostalgia. My point? Those types of items I would never part with, I can tell you now no one was getting my frog bones, or my awesome travel alarm clock. Back to the giving. I have given tons of things away because people needed it or because I was sweeping out my life. If I felt like I was starting over anything that I was attached to I would force myself to throw out because I didn’t want to remember any memories ever again. It would hurt too much.

Those are for things that I care about.

I do not care about money, it stresses me out. I hate thinking about it, dealing with it — I don’t want to ever have cash on me. I have one card, a debit card and that is it. I carry it and only it. I lost all boundaries when I went to church. I took the giving thing very literal. I would give the shirt off my back and sometimes I did. (If I was wearing two or had an extra one with me…I like to be prepared.) I would give people I did not know a ride that were standing on the corner in the cold. I would give money to people in the parking lot of stores telling me they needed it.

Church was a huge source of my irresponsible giving.

I will not go into detail, but people in need would melt my heart. I thought that if people went to church, then they were honest. I was not brought up in church so my church experience was very eye-opening. I thought that anyone who said they believed in God was honest. I was able to help a lot of people in need, and there were some caring people who helped us as well there is just a lot to what I have to decipher. Long story…processing. (I am not church bashing, or faith bashing it is my own experience and it was not all positive.) All the while not thinking of the consequences of not being able to pay my bills or be able to buy food for myself. I figured they must need it more than I did, and I didn’t need to eat. I would be fine. I did this for a very long time — I do not feel bad about it. It is who I am however, I had to set boundaries.

I had one instance when a woman and her young son were in the parking lot of a grocery store trying to sell a small TV.

She said she would sell me her TV for any amount they just needed food. I didn’t have cash on me, but I had a car full of change. I told her I didn’t want the TV and I gave her all the change I had. I left the store, but could not shake it. I knew that I did not have money to spare, but I went to the ATM and got $20 out anyway. I went back to the store to track her down. I saw her at the cash register — she had a bottle of Jack Daniels, and was buying cigarettes. I was devastated as I looked at the boy. At that moment I had flashes of him in the parking lot, he never said a word and he had the same somber face that he had in the check-out line. I didn’t know what to think or how to feel. I was upset for days. I was 30 years old when this happened.

I did not learn my lesson until last week.

Yes, I have continued to give without a thought, after having children I have become a bit more cautious. It wasn’t until last week though that I felt like I was doing the right thing by saying no. In the past if I had to say no to someone I would feel sick, I would cry, I would feel horrible for days because I wanted to help them. I didn’t think that they were deceiving me, and quite frankly I didn’t care. My “help” trump card takes over my reason. I was able to find a balance last week. It was about 7pm and it was dark because of winter, I pulled into the Wal-Mart parking lot and noticed a woman walking in and out through the cars. She practically chased one truck down, and it looked like she knew him. She didn’t he ignored her and walked off. I had a familiar feeling and warning feelings in my gut.

She did not come to me, and I went about my business.

When I came out she snuck up on me while I was putting things in the back of my car. She told me a story about her car being out of gas, and she couldn’t get hold of her daughter. There is a gas station in the parking lot. It did not feel right. I have never done this before, but as she was giving me this story that seemed to be growing by be minute she said something that triggered in me and brought about flashes of my kids. She said: “I need money.” There was no hesitation in my voice and I said: “I don’t have any money on me and I do not have money to give.” I thought about my kids need’s, we do not have money to spare for me to go off on one of my giving rants without thinking of the consequence. My children gave me reason. I stopped her. I looked straight at her and asked “What do you want me to do for you?” She was confused by my words and said: “I guess drive me over to get gas and pay for it” I asked how she was going to bring the gas to her car, she hadn’t thought about it. I told her that I was not going to do that.

I had to get home to the kids.

I also felt like it was dangerous for some reason. It just did not feel right and I felt like I needed to get out of there. I told her that I had some change in the car. I gave her what I could, and told her I hoped that helped. It was all I could do. I watched her go after several other people as I drove away. This is a huge accomplishment for me. I did tear up in the car and was overcome with guilt. I did feel terrible and hoped that I had done enough, but I also knew that I had to listen to my gut instincts. I knew in my core that I did the right thing. In the past I would not have been able to shake the guilt feelings off and I would have looped. I would have prayed and prayed for forgiveness for being selfish or something. I am not a selfish person, and I am not prideful for saying that. I need boundaries and I need to trust my gut because I am naive and gullible at times. It does not make you unspiritual or uncaring by setting boundaries.

And that my friends has been a hard lesson for me to grasp, but I did it without feeling like a horrible person…at least this time.

I found a picture of the Strawberry Shortcake case that I had as a child it’s not my picture though. I had a lot more figures. I also found some pictures of the vintage torture devices…I mean toys that look similar to the hair blower, and nail buffer I was referring to.

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This week is packed full with social events. I am not anxious at all! (At the moment that is — it can change at any time.) Although the entire middle of my back is getting stiff, it is moving up to my neck, and my right shoulder is hurting. My body could be protesting.    All of the things that I am doing I want to do. I think that makes a difference. I can hardly contain my excitement for tomorrow. The movie The Artist is here!! I am taking my mom to see it tomorrow afternoon. I had not given up my search to watch this movie in a theater. Even though I am not a fan of theaters nowadays, this movie MUST be seen in the theater. It is only here for this week and tomorrow is the only day we can go.

When I discovered that it was playing here I did jump up and down and got very excited.

My mom responded the same way when I told her only instead of jumping she clasped her hands together shaking them with excitement and clapped. She is more reserved than I am. We had a hard time deciding which day to go because we are booked this week. What? Yes, we are quite the socialites. We have been out and about a lot more lately, but my mom has been out of control. She even went to the play “The Rat Pack” with one of my sisters Friday night. It sounded great I wish I could have gone, but it was too pricey.

It was amusing listening to us yesterday trying to make plans to go to this movie.

Several months ago we had noticed how we basically trapped ourselves in our houses only venturing to “safe” places. When my mom came back from her cruise she was rejuvenated. She remembered how social she actually is. I was rejuvenated as well because I got a bunch of words out of me that needed to come out. My mom shared with me about my sister being very upset with me — not exactly with me there are other factors that play into this, I will not share. She has been upset because I have not been myself. She has made comments about me being a social person, and how I like to go out and do things. I have cut myself off from the world for several years. Both of my sisters here have been upset with me because their words “Sissy is not being herself.” They are right. I am social, I like people, and I enjoy doing new things and venturing out. I also have had other things in my life to cause me to stop being that person.

I do have my own anxiety about social activities, but it is because of the unknown.

It is mainly because I never know how people are going to respond to me, or if I have never experienced it I can have overwhelming anxiety because I don’t know what to expect. It’s not that I don’t want to go out and do things I do — it is that I can talk myself out of doing them. My mind will come up with every scenario that could possibly happen, and then the thoughts of “What if I have not thought of something?” It can throw me. I am able to hide it well in front of others, but it can be weeks before I am ok again. It wasn’t this difficult when I was able to take time by myself. I have not been able to get the downtime I need to process after a social event since having kids. That is not a complaint in the least, it is a fact. It is hard to process on a daily basis for me period — I am now responsible for helping three little ones learn how to process for themselves.

I will say it has been much easier to be a shut in instead of even attempting to deal with other people.

This week will be a challenge for all of us, but I think it will be good as well. Tomorrow I am leaving, and going to the movies with my mom. Yea! Tuesday we are going to a da… ta…da…da…BARN WEDDING! Ha! I cannot wait. I really like saying that I am going to a barn wedding. It sounds hilarious to me. I have so many visuals and I am afraid the wedding will not live up to my great expectations. Sigh…I am bringing my camera in hopes of some great barnage wedding footage. We will not be staying for the reception it will be too much, but I think for the kids to have an experience like this is great.

On Weds. David is taking Ariel and Joshua to see Star Wars: Episode I.

Yeah…I am not sure how that is going to go. David’s birthday is coming up and that is what he decided he wanted as his gift. Daniel cannot go to a theater. I am not sure how Ariel and Joshua are going to be able to handle it, but they are bringing their noise cancelling headphones. The 3D thing is a concern for me, and that they will be about half an hour away from me! I am not a helicopter mom, it is not that I do not trust David with his own children — it is just that they haven’t gone out with him before for that long or that distance away. It’s new for me and they are my babies. I hope someone understands what I mean.

On Thursday I am going to Bible study at moms.

This went really well last week. I was late and that threw me, but my friend was there and she got a new job working as a counselor with children/adults with ADHD, on the autism spectrum, as well as people suffering from depression and various issues. She feels overwhelmed because newcomers to these parts of the city are never welcome! Sometimes it feels like Deliverance around here. Oh, I kid! Well…kind of. Seriously, she was thrown into counseling sessions with adults that need serious help. She has all the schooling, is naturally able to talk to people, has spent two years being my friend and listening to all of my autistic issues, but when it is in real life situations with people you do not have a relationship with it is completely different. I feel for her because it is a new experience to actually meet people with the issues that she has learned about.

I am a good faker with that stuff so she never knew when I was really upset, or depressed.

I didn’t hide it on purpose it was the only thing I knew how to do. I was more open with her about my issues though, and I know that she will be great with helping others because she cares and sees the responsibility of her position. She also told them that if they did not talk to her and help her learn about her job, then she needed to quit. That changed their tune. Maybe her interactions with me will help see things in others. She is a counselor who will make a huge impact in people’s lives. I digress!! On Friday I am going to a play with my mom and sisters at the community theater. They do have art and culture on the island around here, though very small and limited still there is some. The play is Into the Woods.

And then Saturday we crash.

In celebration of crazy social week I made Homemade Gluten-Free Strawberry Shortcake with Airy Fluff! I even gave the kids a WHOLE one because I didn’t put much sugar in it. I made my own recipe for the shortcake biscuit like things — I forgot to write it down. I hope I can remember it because I even ate one and it was G-O-O-D. Indeed. I have a weakness for strawberries. I did sneak some puréed zucchini and squash into that shortbread. No one could taste it. My little secret. Hee hee I had to show pictures.

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Holly Golightly: You know those days when you get the mean reds?

Paul Varjak: The mean reds, you mean like the blues?

Holly Golightly: No. The blues are because you’re getting fat and maybe it’s been raining too long, you’re just sad that’s all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you’re afraid and you don’t know what you’re afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?

~Quote from the film Breakfast at Tiffany’s

Original quote from the book can be read here.

In the book the reds are compared to angst. Yes, that would be a good way to describe what Valentine’s Day has always been for me. It all started when I was but a wee little lad back in the hills of… Oh, wait. I mean it started in grade school. First off this “holiday” celebration has never made sense to me. It didn’t help that my mother thought it was ridiculous as well. I shall say it is ridiculous to us as we know it today, and the opinion is solely based upon the demand of cards with hearts, candies, or jewelry or whatever people do. I don’t know this is one of those times when I have been called cold and a BEEP! I love reading about the history of it though. At History.com they had a good quick read on the topic.

I do not mind if others enjoy it and get all the lavish, lovely gifts they want.

It’s not about that at all. I will go back to my childhood. While in school starting from Kindergarten up to 6th grade we were required to get valentines for the class. This was a huge source of anxiety (angst) for me. I had several reasons for this causing such a panic. I would completely forget about it, and then the teacher would start talking about it the beginning of February. We would begin to do crafts, and talk about the party we would have on that day. I would begin to get panicky when we started the crafts. I would get so nervous because my mom would ALWAYS forget to get the box of valentines that I needed. I would have to remind her every night. I cannot think of one single year she remembered. On occasions because of my complete anxiety freak outs she would take me to pick out my own.

The majority of the time she picked them out.

My mom does not put as much importance into words as I do so the cards she chose always fell short. Plus she would forget what the “in” thing was for the year and I would end up with “blah” types of cards. All of these things mattered since I was already the odd one in the class, my valentines would be a source of ridicule. I would get anxious because no matter how long I was in class with these kids I never remembered their names. The only kids that I would remember were the ones that I sat next to the whole year — even then I would have problems at times. I usually did not say anyone’s name. Another source of anxiety was that the people who made fun of me throughout the year were forced to give me a card and I was forced to give them a card. I would get confused if they gave me a card that seemed too nice. I would give them the most neutral one I could find.

I would comb over the cards.

I meticulously pulled them all out and read them trying to find the exact words that I wanted to say to each kid. I may not have remembered their names, but I had already studied each one of them. I knew who I liked and who I didn’t even if they never spoke to me. I liked them based on how they treated others or behaved in class. I also would observe their quirks, and things that I noticed that they liked. I would choose my cards according to what I had observed. As I sat with my list of names — I could remember their face as long as I had their names written down on a list in front of me. It would drive my mom batty when I sat there for hours writing out these valentines. All I was doing was writing their names, but it took forever. I was putting a lot of thought into the cards, and I took my time writing out their names neatly.

It was very hard for me to write neatly so I had to concentrate to do so. (Still)

She would tell me: “Just write their names and be done!” She didn’t understand that I couldn’t. I HAD to do it that way. These cards were supposed to reflect my feelings about this person as good as possible with a Loony Tune or E.T. valentine. OK! There was the additional stress of me getting cards. I would get the cards and some kids would purposely leave me out, or make fun of the cards that I gave them. As I read my cards I didn’t know how to interpret them. I thought that they all did what I did. I thought that the cards were extremely important and it was a day to set aside any ill feelings and give some valentine’s niceness. I did have a couple of people play tricks on me and tell me that a boy liked me or something. I never knew what to do with that.

I was able to pull off my coolness in front of them, but would go home and loop about it.

I would loop about it for days. I wondered if they were messing with me or not. It didn’t matter if the boy liked me — I wanted to know if they were messing with me. I couldn’t tell and it would drive me to panic attacks that I had to hide because my mom would not understand. I would hide away in my room, and cry because of the confusion. The confusion was (is) the worst part of all social situations. It hurts me deeply to be confused. I have spoken of this before, but it literally feels as if I can feel the disconnect going on in my brain. I desperately want it to connect, but it won’t and the only thing that goes through my head is: “I don’t know!” I can’t make me know either, it feels like circuits are leaping and I see black.

When I became an adult I continued to give valentines.

I enjoyed being in control of them. I enjoyed picking out kids valentines and giving them to people. It made people smile. It doesn’t matter how old you are, it feels good to get a valentine on that day. However, my attention to the valentines did not change and I would start looking at them the second they hit the shelves. I would finally make my choice, and then go through them to pick out the perfect ones for each person. I did this all the way up to my last job. (Technically not my last the last one only had three of us in the office, and I did not buy a box of valentines.) I believe I picked out The Simpsons, if I recall correctly.

It was something like 10 years ago.  

It doesn’t matter the fact is, I combed over each one and chose them specifically for each person. I used to get them scripture cards too. I didn’t do it to be all “spiritual” on them — I did it because I thought about them. I cared about them, and I wanted them to know. I couldn’t say those things, but I tried through making fudge or giving little cards and other little ways. I think part of the reason I did that was so no one would feel what I felt on that day. I do not celebrate Valentines like others do. I never want flowers, candies, jewelry, or things like that. My dad would get me stuffed animals, he got them for me until David and I got married. I wish he would send me a big huge stuffed owl, raven, or black cat!! Hee hee

I do feel a little bad for some of the guys in my past who tried to get me something on Valentines.

I usually got so angry at them because of the gifts or plans they had prepared because they had nothing to do with my likes or interests. I am pretty easy I do not know why it was so difficult. (UM…easy in getting gifts for! Clarifying.) Music or books one can never go wrong, unless it is some cheesy romance novel or if they got some sort of mainstream type of music. Well…that depends too. Ok, poetry? Alright anything black-and-white! (Almost anything) Ha ha ha I am just digging a hole here, I will stop.

I do try to make it a fun day with the kids, and we do some cool crafts and stuff.

I think it is so strange that I still get overwhelmed with that anxiety before and on that day. It seems so silly, but it was for a long stretch of my childhood. It did cause social trauma at times being picked on or being made fun of or tricked. It caused a lot of confusion. I would spend days reading the valentines I received wondering what the words meant based on the person’s previous actions towards me. That never helped. The party was frustrating because it messed up our schedule for the day, and every teacher would have it at different times of the day. As I got older it had added emotions that I did not understand. In high school it was a big deal for the girls, and they would receive crazy gifts like roses or boxes of chocolate. Then, they would act like they were all great or something because of what they got.

I found it all odd.

I do not recall what my boyfriend at the time did for me — I know it was not anything like that. It was all so confusing to me I blocked a lot during those few years in high school. Other people I dated tried to do nice things, but I know I said rude things about it not intending to be rude. I most likely said something like: “Why would you get me that? or “Why would you take me here?” or “I don’t even like that!” with a nice snarl face. Only to finally realize it at this very moment how incredibly hurtful that could be. Oops! Sorry fellas.   Yes, well that does not help my angst in the least! I am finished with this before I remember anything else. Despite my strange anxiety for the coming Valentines, I hope you all have the best day and get or do what you like! Presuming you will be celebrating that day…

So Happy Valentine’s Day early so I can eliminate some anxiety here. Lol!  

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The title is from an Animaniacs cartoon I watched years ago, I actually watched it again this morning with the kids. The title of this particular toon is “Wally Llama”. Here is an episode summary:

(Yakko, Wakko, and Dot Short) ”Wally Llama who lives on top of a mountain in the Himalayas is the wisest creature in the world. After he grows sick of answering questions he vows to stop for the rest of the day. The Warners arrive and pester him to answer one question. Eventually he gives in, but when he hears the question he goes crazy because he cannot figure out the answer. The question is why do hot dogs come in packages of ten, and hot dog buns come in packages of eight?

There are numerous reasons why I relate very much to this episode.

One being the question that the Animaniacs ask at the end “Why do hot dogs come in packages of ten, and hot dog buns come in packages of eight?” This is the type of question that I get all day long from my own little Animaniacs, but sometimes it is a bit too much.   The main reason why I chose to talk about this today is because I took Wally Llama’s coping skills as my own years ago after watching the episode. I was a supervisor in a stressful job, living in a stressful environment and when I would get overwhelmed I would close my eyes, plop down on the floor, (I did not care if it was the middle of the store or if I crossed my legs in a chair in the middle of a restaurant.) place my hands up, and repeat “Llama, llama, llama, llama, llama” Yes, I did. I would not always plop down, but I would hold my hands up in meditation position, close my eyes, and repeat llama.

Most people would laugh and that would help me laugh.

Once I started laughing I was able to cope. This week has been a bit rough at times and our 2319! Plan has not been working. I was at my wits end with the boys the other day because they are having such miscommunication that it is was causing some serious meltdowns.  I was getting so frustrated at not knowing how to deal with it that out of desperation I said: “Come on boys sit down criss cross applesauce. Let’s close our eyes, put our hands up like in Yoga, and you say what Mommy says.” I then said: “Llama” over and over and they said it with me within a few minutes we were all laughing and calm. After that, we were able to talk calmly about what had happened and everything was cleared up.

I have been doing it for days now.

It is working! (For the moment.) I can only find the clip of Wally Llama in Spanish which makes it sound even better. We purchased the episode off of iTunes. This week has been a huge week of progress as well… so I am not surprised by the meltdowns. All three of them have been practicing their handwriting, which is extremely stressful for them. They all have to use a lot of concentration and effort to practice writing, but they are doing so awesome. I started the Autism & Reading Comprehension this week as well and the boys are doing great! I was very surprised at how much Daniel does comprehend I shouldn’t be. All three of them comprehend, but they all three also show their comprehension through different ways. Ariel is way beyond in her reading and comprehension although — she is still enjoying doing the lessons with the boys. I really like the book and the lessons being laid out. I have to constantly try new things with the boys to keep them focused on reading.

Ariel reads all the time.  

Daniel likes to read, but he can forget words. If I do not continually stick to a reading program he will lose interest and the words that he has learned. We then have to start all over again, not for all words, but the bigger ones. This also can be quite taxing on them, and cause meltdowns. They are doing great at many of the math concepts, but need more work with subtraction. I decided to focus on subtraction this week as well. I think that may have been a bit too much to add while starting something new with reading this week. Even though they are doing well with subtraction — I did not think through all of the new things that were happening this week…for all of us.

I get kind of freaky when I know that their evaluations are coming quickly.

I have several months, but I go in hyper-drive at times wanting to make sure they are at level and learning everything they need to be learning. AND I think that is why my mind pulled out Wally Llama. I need to make sure that I am not pushing too much. These guys are above-average in many of their academics and are constantly asking questions. It is so easy to miss the progress and things that are accomplished  sitting right in front of you when you are constantly focused on the things you feel need to still be accomplished. I need to sit back and appreciate how much these guys know, and enjoy the way each of them see the world in such awesome and unique ways. I also found some Yoga DVD’s for kids that have been fun for us. We started them about two weeks ago. That is probably what triggered Wally Llama for me.

Maybe you would like to try it too, let me tell you sitting down and repeating “Llama” over and over can be quite amusing.

Here are the Yoga videos I am using with the kids.

YogaKids

Junior Yoga by Annette Lefterow (They are not as “enthused” with this one.)

AND I thought this was worth sharing as well. Everything You Thought You Knew About Learning Is Wrong

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