Today was my psyche evaluation. So… my day went like this.
1) 7 am-ish Daniel took his regularly scheduled shower that he has to take every day.
He came out of the bathroom dripping wet, scared, in a panicky voice, “MOM, there is a big bug!” I went in and discovered a lovely garden centipede traveling over the bathroom rug. He was too fast for me – I scooped him up in a toilet paper roll and had to toss him in the toilet. I am very sorry Mr. Centipede! I would have put him back outside, but it was impossible with Daniel being so afraid of it. Unfortunately, it did take several hours to convince Daniel that it was not going to come up through the commode. :-)
2) 7:30 am-ish I see an email from my dad asking whether to give the kids a gift card or presents for their birthday.
Aaaaa! The birthday that is in two weeks that I continue to stress over- that I cannot doing anything about. Because I have had too many meetings, a slight meltdown trying to figure out how to help Joshua’s reading/writing needs, still processing Daniel’s IEP phone conference (It went very well, will write about it soon.), playing catch up with school lessons from impromptu evaluations, my medical issues, Daniel’s sudden death anxiety, AND the hovering of anxiety about my own psyche evaluation scheduled for today.
2) 8:30-ish I receive a text from my aunt informing me that she only has two Sunday’s free in November and she needed to know when/if I still wanted the kids party there. “Please call so we could make plans.”
3) Around 8:31 am-ish I realize the refrigerator is not working!
The people who lived here before put in a REGULAR light bulb in the fridge, it popped last night, but I did not know that it caused the fuse to short circuit. Oh, AND because it was a regular bulb the metal part was stuck and also seemed to be corroded to the whole thing. We tried to get it out last night, but it was impossible.
4) 8:45 am-ish Joshua’s teacher called to go over his bi-weekly progress report.
I had forgotten, again! In the mean time, Daniel was on the counter because he was obsessing over bubble gum and HAD to have it at that very second. I managed to be able to talk to her and then, get Joshua so he could read for her, but while I went to get him, he ran into the wall and hit his nose! It took a few minutes to calm him down. His nose ended up being fine and he was able to read for her. All went well Joshua is progressing wonderfully she helped with other suggestions to help him with writing, and Daniel got his bubble gum.
5) 10:00 am I got the kids settled, doing some of their schoolwork, and I hopped into the shower.
Daniel then, entered the bathroom several times, asking why I did not shut the door all the way. He asks this every day. The door is shut, but not to the complete edge because you cannot shut it from the inside. He has to close it so there is a seal. Anytime I am in the bathroom for whatever reason and I shut the door he opens it and asks, “Why didn’t you shut the door all the way?” My reply every time, “Daniel I cannot shut the door in here all the way. Will you please shut the door because I do not want anyone to see me, thank you.” Daniel then, replies with, “Why do you want the door shut?” and my reply, “Daniel, please shut the door.” Daniel shuts the door to form a nice perfect seal. Yes, this happens every day multiple times a day. Sigh… Hee hee
6) 10:45 am-ish The maintenance person calls, and asks questions about the fridge.
He tells me that he is on his way. Nothing exciting happens for a while. I get ready and help the kids with school.
7) 11:30 am-ish The maintenance guy arrives.
I showed him everything; he fixed the problems and told me, “You cannot put a regular bulb into a refrigerator.” I said, “I know, I didn’t the people who were here did.” Ya-da-ya-da He was nice, but I do not think he believed me. I said my thank you’s and good-bye’s, then, by that time I needed to make lunch.
8) 12:30 pm-ish I went over all of my psyche evaluation paperwork for the gazillionth time.
I had a few anxiety moments, shakes, sweating, forced myself to eat, finished up school stuff, went pee for the hundredth time,(I guess you did not need to know that.) gulped down a bazillion drinks of water, and calmed myself down.
9) 1:10 pm I started on my way to the psychologist office.
I listened to Spirit in The Sky, flipped through channels heard some radio person talk about the 1990′s as if they were the most ancient of times. I think she was 20-years-old or something. I rolled my eyes when she asked, in her peppy girly, kind of uninterested voice, something like, “Can you name the awesome rocker that the lead singer of Hole was married to?” I flipped through the channels and found nothing. So I cursed my CD player for not working. Then, the radio ended up back to the same girl saying something like, “Courtney Love was married to the awesome lead singer of Nirvana, Kirk Cobain who died in 1994, but don’t let that bring you down.” Um… I turned off the radio.
10) 1:28 pm I arrive and fill out more paperwork.
Then, I sat and stared at the floor, wondering if other people see the hazy like film I see that is hard to explain. I finally wrote it off as the fluorescent lights messing with me. I was starting to feel extremely nervous. I was almost unable to become calm. Funny, I looked around to discover on the floor a book titled “Raven.” I love ravens they bring me peace of mind. Yes, I did take a picture. Yes, I do carry my camera with me at all times. Yes, I do use my camera on my iphone too, but I like my camera pictures better. And yes, I had my little ishuffle, iphone, and camera all in my purse. They are essential to my abilities to cope outside of the home, in addition to being my best friends.
11) 1:58 pm My psychologist comes to get me.
I downloaded a “lifetime of trauma.” Her words not mine. Then, I looked at her and asked, “Is this really a lot of stuff to go through?” She looked at me silently for a moment, I said, “I guess it is.” She said, “Um, yes, yes it is.” Later she asked me, “What emotions are you feeling right now?” I stared at the wall feeling blank. Finally, I answered with, “I guess, good?” She then, asked, “How do you feel on a daily basis?” I stared at the wall again, my mind filled with empty space. After a few minutes, I answered, “Happy/sad.” She started to write and said, “Ok, happy and sad.” I said, “No, happy/sad at the same time.” She said, “Oh, well that is a whole other thing we need to discuss.” Ha ha ha That is not normal?
12) 2:40 pm (There are clocks everywhere! Love it!) She said, “You show some clear Aspergers traits.”
The conversation then went into her asking what I wanted to do next. Did I want to proceed with dealing with some of the issues discussed or did I want to proceed with doing an Aspergers evaluation, or did I want to do both. I explained to her that the major thing for me today was to gain confirmation that I am on the autism spectrum, Apsergers what have you. I explained that I needed this to help in my next progression of self-identity. I told her that it would help me better decide how to go about my other issues. She was confirming of that decision. She asked if I would like to take the evaluation today or schedule it another time.
I said that I wanted to do it today.
In the middle of everything, she also directed me to a developmental/disability resource that offers respite. She added that I needed to have breaks. Everyone agrees with this. I am with my kids 24/7. The only breaks I get are when I go grocery shopping, or run errands. Most of the time any kind of shopping is not a break for me. Even when I write on my blogs I am constantly interrupted and have to take care of needs. The only alone time I have is when they all go to bed and still that is not much of a break. I normally get school stuff prepared, clean, or try to catch up on other things that I have not been able to.
13) 2:45 pm We go through the Aspergers evaluation.
Based on all of the criteria from our meeting and then, the testing she said that “It is fairly certain that you are Aspergers.” She said that she will run it through and do the scoring, but it seems pretty clear. She then, asked about Daniel and insurance. There may be a way to do family therapy with me included since Daniel does have insurance through David’s work. She works with all ages of people on the autism spectrum/Aspergers. I am excited to have Daniel go and see if she can help him in anyway. It was a very positive experience. It gave me a lot of hope and she is willing to work with me financially to help me with depression, anxiety, social stuff, etc… If I decide to go that route. She is going to write everything up and give her suggestions for me.
14) 3:30 pm-ish I drove home feeling very relieved and hopeful.
Now it is 5:30 pm (Technically it is 6:39 pm because I made dinner and came back to edit as best as I could.) and I should be making dinner, but I had to get all of this stuff out. I may have a complete shutdown tomorrow, but today, today is rock awesome! I know that some people do not need a diagnosis. However, I am not one of those people. I knew that I had a lot of trauma in my life and I was unsure if those things had caused me to have certain Aspergers traits. Deep down I did not believe this, but I needed confirmation. I do not have the papers in my hands, I am sure I will write about it when they arrive, but I am finally able to accept being an Aspie without any doubts. I needed that for me, no one else. It is actually a big thing for me to do this. I am going against the grain with most of my family by gaining my diagnosis. My mom understands, but even my closest family such as my aunt has a hard time with this. Today, I am able to accept more of who I am and heal some of those parts of me that felt damaged all of these years. I am not damaged.
I do know that I will still have my struggles, but this helps accept those struggles a bit more. (Make sense?)