Thank you to those who have given me supportive and encouraging words along with the positive energy, prayers, and thoughts. As well as “likes” they mean a lot too. Yesterday, all of my fears melted away. They really did. I am not sure what is going on, but I am at peace with it all. I do not feel as if I have cancer, who knows, but I am normally a good judge of my body. I know when something is seriously wrong and when it is minor. I am more concerned with the unexplainable laceration and the procedures and or treatments that are to come for my other issues.

My focus is cost and that I do not have time or the patience for my body to go through this stuff.

I am not good with recovery. Once everything is done I am usually back on my feet within hours of whatever I go through. After, being under anesthesia (which has been several times in my life), I try to get on my feet the second my eyes open and I am ready to walk out of the hospital. They do not allow you to do that, but I have managed to talk my way into getting out sooner.  ”I am fine, look I can walk, just let me go home.”

Anyway, I am babbling.

I had a strange reaction this morning to an email from my dad. I was unable to call anyone, but my aunt after the news from the doctor. I knew that I had to email my mom to allow her to process the information before I spoke with her this weekend. If I were to have told her via Skype, she would have shutdown on me and it could have felt like rejection. I also would have felt the need to manage her emotions and downplay anything that I was feeling. I now understand that she is not rejecting me, but many times in the past, this is what she has done and it confused me and felt as if she did not care. I now know that she has to process the information so she can come to terms and be able to talk about it. She loses her words when she is upset.

I got the response I expected.

A couple of lines, she is praying for me, she was glad I told her, she had a very busy day, she had to go to bed, she would email later, and “It will be alright baby, try not to worry, we are not like other people!” There is always a boost, short and to the point. It was comforting, but also telling that I knew I had to tell my mom ahead of time to help her as well as me so I did not not misunderstand her actions. My step mom emailed me with much more words; she is a comforter and encourager to everyone. I do appreciate that very much about her even if I do not relate to some of the ways of comfort. She is very loving and caring.

She said that she had wished I told her over the weekend.

When I read her sentence about that, I was confused. I really thought, “Well why would I tell you that I was going to the doctor? How could I have known what the doctor would have said?” It had not occurred to me to share with anyone in the family except my aunt that I was going. I only told her because she and I had a conversation about it. I may not have told her had we not spoken about it before. I had concerns about my symptoms and I knew that she had gone through several things so we talked about it. It was never a thought to tell anyone else.

Overall, I received the expected response from my step mom too.

I was not surprised in the least bit by my dad’s response either. It was the same as it has been my whole life. I felt numb as I read the words. I knew my dad meant it as encouraging. I knew that my mom was being encouraging I knew that my step mom was being encouraging, but everything felt off. As I pondered over the words, I could not place the emotions I felt. I just continued to hear the word “negated.”

I had considered not sharing it, but I feel that I must for myself.

“Dear Angel,

I have confidence in a healing God….it’s easier since I’ve experienced it multiple times. Now it’s your chance to experience that same healing…

Love you,

Dad”

I am still not sure what feels wrong about this.

I do know that this is exactly what I have received any time in my life when something was wrong emotionally, mentally, or physically. It is one of the reasons I begged my mom not to tell my dad about my suicide attempt as a teenager. I was afraid that his words would have caused me to spiral into more depression. Thankfully, this time I had the past weekend to hold onto. I know that my dad loves me very much. I know that my parents love me very much, this includes my step mom. She has been my second mom for over 35 years now.

The thing is I do not feel very much comfort in those words.

I do not feel understood, heard, it feels like lack of empathy. The root of the issue here is that both of my parents respond extremely different toward my other sisters when they are going through emotional, mental, or physical issues. They seem to drop everything for them. They will bend over backwards to take care of their needs, and the needs of others who are not even a part of the family. This “hang in there, Angel, you will be fine, trust God” thing is so confusing for me.

I think I figured it out though.

It has not made sense to me my entire life. I have had to try to comfort myself without any tools, or parental guidance. There is another issue here too. My parents have looked at me and have even voiced to me that they failed so their goal was to do better by their other children. I had not thought about what those words did to me. I never soaked in the negative feelings I had by them saying those things. I assumed that I was to blame. I subconsciously thought they meant that I was their failure – me. Not them. I have felt as if every time they look at me they think “failure.”

I can see where I gathered this logic.

They treat me differently. They do not show support in the same way. It has felt as if their attitude toward me is that I do not need anything. I think part of the issue is that in many ways I am like both of them. I do not think they ever learned how to comfort themselves, they only know how to escape or ignore many of their own emotions. They taught me by action to read others and learn how to comfort them, but never how to comfort oneself. The three of us know how to perform empathy actions toward others. We have a great deal of empathy toward others, but we  have learned how to script many supportive actions. Those scripts do not work for us. This is a theory of course, I can have more confidence in saying this about my mom than I can for my dad. No matter.

My dad, at times, does not show emotional empathy toward family members.

When it comes to strangers or movies or whatever the tears will flow. He prays for anyone and helps them with anything. He is a giving, caring, loving soul, but throughout my life, I have not felt it toward me. I have felt that if I had any problems than I just needed to trust God or change my life and everything would work the right way. Well, I did it all of that and it has not gotten better. Things are still the same except now instead of being confused by this behavior I understand it a little more. It still hurts and I am not exactly sure why. I can change my response to these types of things and look for the positives in all of it. If I am relying on myself to be my biggest support than how others react or respond to me will not be as painful – at least it will make more sense for me and give me the ability to change my negative thinking patterns.

I feel misunderstood, even though my family loves me the best way they can.

If anything I see this as an eye-opening experience. It allows me to heal in areas where I have misunderstood my parents. I also see it as a means to take the reins of learning how to self-sooth in more positive ways. I think that is why I was unsure of what I felt this morning. I did not respond with feelings of anger or hurt, which would have been my usual response. I have taken control over my emotional responses much more. I was confused for a little while, but I processed through it. I was able to acknowledge that my parents love me very much. I was able to comprehend that no one knows how to comfort me because I do not know how to comfort myself in positive ways. I am learning and thinking about it. I will read about it and see what I discover. I am grateful that my family is supportive in their own ways. I believe the grand lesson here is for me to discover another part of myself.

I need to learn what does comfort me and how I want to be comforted. 

I love this image! 

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