I have been fighting depressive feelings for a few days. On Saturday, I received a text from my dad that they were in town and “Would we like some visitors?” I did not see the text until way later in the afternoon and by that time, it was too late. I had already had plans to take the kids to church so I opted to go and we would see them the next day as planned. They were in for a half marathon that my dad and several other family members were racing in.

During church, I decided that it would be a good idea to go over to my aunts.

It is never a pop in on her and I called an hour ahead of time. I determined that the kids were in a good place, gauging their sensory and social overloadedness. (Mine too.) I weighed out the thoughts, would it be better to go there on Saturday night for a little while when everyone was there and help eliminate any anxiety for the next day? Or should we just go home? I decided that I was having too much anxiety and that it would be beneficial for all of us to go that night before the long Sunday family adventure. There were a few family members that the kids and I have not seen in over five years.

We went and it was a very pleasant evening.

We only stayed for about an hour, which was long enough, and we headed home. The kids did fantastic. Daniel did his usual walk the perimeter, count the echoes in each corner of the rooms by clapping, and asking me a ton of questions about the particulars of the house and why it was made like that. We got home and as wound up as they were I was amazed that everyone went to bed on time and Daniel even fell asleep right away. Amazing!

We went the next day and it was a wonderful day.

I had so much fun with my family. I really did. I enjoyed myself I laughed; I felt free enough to be myself. Everyone was accepting of Daniel and enjoyed all of the kids. My family is so silly. We get all kinds of goofy, some of it I do not understand, but yesterday I had a different attitude towards it. For the first time I really felt everyone trying to love me and accept me as well as my family. It is funny because the day before I had gotten a little upset with the texting and the “pop in” thing. I know that it is hard to remember for them because that is what they have done for years. They show up when they can and usually call when they are on the road or something.

I am not used to that and our family cannot do it.

We need some advance notice. I felt so good about everything. The kids were not overloaded at all and they did a great job with school today also. So awesome! However, today was my doctor’s appointment and as much as I am trying to soak in all of that goodness, I cannot help but feel overwhelmed and frightened at times. It was already a lot for me to go to the woman parts doctor. I have not gone alone in over a decade. Today I went alone I was proud of that, but as I sat in the office waiting the anxiety took over and I held back the tears the whole time.

The room was dizzy, the lights bothered me, the people were loud, the chair was uncomfortable, and I was waiting too long.

Finally, I was called in – I kept breathing slowly. I answered all of the questions the nurse asked. Of course, the scale did not work when I got on it. This strange stuff always happens to me. She said, “Well I do not know why it is not working. It never does this.” I laughed and thought to myself, typical. She did manage to get it to work; I found it odd that they only have a digital scale in such a fancy smancy doctor’s office. She took me to the room and I waited. I looked at everything in the room; it was all gray and beige, but loud.

The carpet squiggles were loud and dancing.

The wallpaper was dull and the patterns boring, but it felt as if it were attacking my ears. I looked at the stirrups and started to panic. I looked at the stuff all over the cabinet and the bright hazardous sign. I wanted to cry, I wanted to leave, and I started to feel really scared when I realized that I was going to be alone with the doctor. I felt me lose my words, and I wanted to cry out for a nurse to stay with me. After he came, I felt more comfortable. He was a very calming doctor. I did not feel unsafe.

He talked to me and asked me questions about any issues I had.

I told him and then, left so I could get undressed for the exam. I think he could tell that I was extremely anxious. He started the breast exam and talked to me the whole time asking me questions. He then, examined the rest of me and now I will share the parts that keep making me cry because I feel as if it is a lot, but then, I start to have thoughts that I am overreacting. First, he found a mass in my left breast. I was not expecting that at all. I assumed that any problems I had with it was because of Daniel. He tore my left nipple from breast-feeding. It healed fine you cannot even tell anything happened on the outside.

I have not thought about it again.

The doctor was concerned and now I am having a diagnostic mammogram. It still could be nothing; I am more shocked by the surprise then anything. It is still scary. Next, he said, “Oh! You have a sore it is like a laceration on the left side of your uterus. I have never seen anything like it.” Of course, this happens when I go to the doctor, and the dentist they have never seen what I have or it is an unexplained illness… I have not shared about my teeth. I will one day, after I go back to the dentist. He was concerned that something terrible had happened to me. I made it clear nothing has happened to me and I reassured him that nothing has been going on down in those parts for well over a year, or longer. I do not keep track of that stuff. Too much info? Sorry.

So here it is, he thinks that I have polyps or cysts, and some strange sore that needs to be looked at.

Oh, and he is pretty confident that I have endometriosis. Yeah, so I am going to have an ultrasound as well and some other types of tests done. I cannot remember now. It was too much to take in. My mind was consumed with the cost and how we do not have money for all of this, but that I have to go because now we are dealing with serious stuff. Yes, maybe cancer.  The good news is that he said the laceration did not feel like a hard mass and he did not believe it was cancerous. Still we are waiting for my Pap smear results and will wait for the other things as well to see what is going on.

I asked him how I could have gotten the laceration.

He had no explanation, other than it was possibly from childbirth. Ok. On my way out, I held back the tears and was practically running to my car. I confess these were the words I said, “God if you gave me cancer I am going to be so f-ing mad at you.” I did say f-ing and not the actual f-word because I would have had too much guilt. I was supposed to go to the store before I came home. I could not. I was sobbing the whole way and probably should not have been driving, but I needed to get home to my babies. I came home and through tears told David what had happened.

He does not know how to comfort me so he did not, other than suggest I call my aunt.

He did try to make me laugh and succeeded several times. He said, “It could have been worse.” (He sent me that video to watch.) He did go into “find funds” mode though. So he started talking about all of the possible scenarios, to me it sounded like he was saying that I cannot go to my other appointments. He was not saying that. I do not know how to explain it, he has to think and say all of the worst possible outcomes to settle things for him. It can cause me to panic and have anxiety. He did try really hard, but his focus was on thinking of the money since I am not covered on his insurance. It adds additional stress and guilt on me even though I know I have no control over it. I still feel bad because I do not have money for this and oh, goodness, it is stressful. I have no control and cannot even pay to have insurance and I do not qualify for help.

I need to stop thinking like that.

Anyway, I am putting this out there because I do not know what else to do. I need to share. I need to stop my negative thoughts. I am still overwhelmed; I may be for several days. I am so thankful that I do have my aunt. She is taking me to my next appointments and will be with me. She helped bring some peace. She has been through several of these things as well so she can empathize. She is also a major bad ass and will not allow me to shutdown and cut off the world like I so much want to do right now. Because of her, I am sharing this and I will share the diagnosis and whatever else comes up. I know that others may be afraid too because of similar issues or maybe for other issues.

We can be afraid together and know that we are not alone.

I will leave with some wonderful happy pictures of me and my family who think that it is fun to hug me when I tell them I hate hugs! Ha ha ha Honestly, yesterday the hugs did not hurt and I was comfortable enough to give them and receive them. It was a very good day.

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