Um, this may be a bit intense – sorry, I cannot tell my mind is just dumping out memories and stuff.
Yesterday when I wrote out my fuzzy memory, I realized that there could have been some conclusions drawn that I needed to clear up for my mind’s sake. When I said, “I never wanted to be alone in a room with a man – ever!” There are specific reasons for this feeling that was caused prior to the timeline of my memory. There are several. One I will not go into for the sake of others that I love and could possibly read my blog one day. Some other ones I will share a little bit. I never was or ever have been frightened of being alone with my dad. He never made me feel frightened or unsafe. Plus I do not think of my dad as a man – it is hard to explain. (Same goes for my mom, I do not think of her as a woman.)
When I made the above statement, I should have clarified that.
Some of the things that I witnessed as a child are disturbing when looking back at them. My mother tried to protect me as much as possible. She is one of the reasons I was fearful of being alone with men. She was afraid something was going to happen to me, but she never said what. She was very protective at times and then, she would be off character and would not be. More specifically, she was very protective at home, but when we went to other people’s houses, she was not. She would not notice if I was gone until it was time to leave. Of course, that depended on where we were. People’s house – not very protective, at the store – overly protective and fearful that someone would “get me.”
It was confusing.
I am not certain when the “kitchen” memory actually took place. However, I felt frightened I am not sure I had any reason to be. I have a fond memory of that kitchen. I felt frightened because I was alone in an unknown place, no one was around, and a stranger invaded my space. Stranger Danger! I had to be on guard, which was what I had been taught, but always forgot. As well as you can never trust men. My mom was fearful of someone getting me – it did not help that I was a wanderer. However, I was naive in many areas and I think my mom noticed this even though she did not understand it. My mom was naive too when it came to herself, but not with others. I can be the same way – very astute and having accurate radar for others, but for myself I have lacked the ability to trust my own instincts, or understand when people are not the most trustworthy.
I have gotten better with this.
Thinking upon that night, I can hear and feel the candy wrappers through my fingers and smell the wonderful air. The night was very black, thick, had shadows that I loved to watch… I cannot pull anything else, but I do not feel scared in a way that something bad happened. Around that time, my mother started dating a man. They were married rather quickly and I think it was a surprise for me. It is part of my life that I have very limited memories. I find this odd because I remember so much detail and events throughout other parts of my childhood.
I remember he was nice, usually.
He had a son about my age who was obsessed with Star Wars and he had the coolest stuff ever! He would bring his stuff over when he came to visit. I had several Star Wars figures and we would act out adventures. He had the flash light lightsabers with the inflatable color thing attached. We had some serious lightsaber battles.
His mom actually babysat me one night I do not know why.
I was amazed that he got to live in such a big house and could not believe all of the toys he had. (Everything was big compared to our trailer.) He had the coolest games and he got so angry with me for not playing what he wanted. I was having too much fun playing the Jaws game by myself. It was somewhere around this timeline that I broke my arm doing a cartwheel off the couch and had to have surgery because I split my funny bone in half and one piece was stuck under another bone.
What I did not know about my mom’s husband was that he was an alcoholic and what I believe now suffering from PTSD from being in Vietnam. I am not sure what he did there, but it traumatized him greatly. When I was away at my dad’s he would go on drinking binges, come home and think that he was in the trenches of the jungle. He put my mother through some serious trauma and abuse as well. I do not recall a lot I do remember that my mom was very different being married to him. Our life felt uneasy all the time that is all I can remember. I do know that during that time I was having night terrors and sleep walking a lot.
I was also bed wetting.
My mom would get so angry with me that I learned to change my sheets myself and wash the dirty ones before she would wake up. It can take a lot to wake her up when she is in a deep sleep. When I had my night terrors or even low key in comparison nightmares, I would beg her to let me sleep with her. She would not. I had to deal with the fears on my own. My sleepwalking frightened her though and she did wake up on several occasions when I had opened the door to go outside in the middle of the night. She said I did that a few times.
One time I was so terrified that I begged her to please let me come to bed with her.
To be continued tomorrow…