I am not sure where this post is going. I am looping and need to share to make it “real” and deal with the processing stage of these thoughts. There may be things that I share that can feel serious or as if I am hurting emotionally, I am ok. These are only thoughts and emotions that need to come out.
I am not sure why I feel the need to put up disclaimers, but I do.
I LOVE October! I cannot stand the sight of October! I like saying October. I so enjoy October when it is not raining. October leads into the winter months, which I am not the biggest fan of due to negative emotional attachments and how the weather affects my body and mind. However, October has always been one of my favorite months. Halloween used to be one of my favorite days of celebration, not the dressing up part or going trick-or-treating – I was never much of a fan with that stuff.
I did enjoy the parties my mom would take me to.
We were very social during the holidays, going to her friends parties. At times I enjoyed myself very much at family gatherings… other times not so much. Gatherings tend to remind me of how much I do not fit in. (Several of my family members are coming this weekend. I am looking forward to it and not at the same time.) There is one memory I have on Halloween that I cannot connect fully. It flashes through my head every time the air smells and feels a certain way. It does not matter what state (Literally where I have lived, not mental state.) I have been in. If the air smells and feels that way the memory flashes. I am sitting in a big kitchen – I think I am about 6 or 7 years old. I hear all of the voices in the other room laughing and being loud. The big sliding glass doors are open and the breeze smells wonderful to me.
I think I am wearing my Wonder Woman costume.
I cannot really remember because I do not see my mask, I hated wearing the mask. However, I see the colors so I am almost certain that I am. I am sitting on a stool, there is a huge bowl of candy next to me, and I am running my fingers through the pieces. I liked the feel of candy wrappers and the sounds they made. I did not want to eat any. I looked around the kitchen and thought how amazing the kitchen was, it was so big. I had never seen a kitchen so big. I never wanted to leave the kitchen. I remember the thoughts of never wanting to return to our trailer home.
I wanted to stay right there in that place forever.
I also felt very alone. The feelings of, “This always happens when we go somewhere” filled my mind. With both my mom and dad, we would go places (when I visited my dad on the weekends) and I would end up alone in some room or wandering around places. Homes, neighborhoods, buildings, etc… As I sat there a man walked into the kitchen and tried to be funny by saying something, but I do not recall what it was. I felt annoyed, disturbed, and frightened. I never wanted to be alone in a room with a man – ever!
That is all I cannot recall.
I do not know why. I do not know where we were, but I do know that it is an actual memory. I am just not sure how accurate the kitchen and others things are. I do know that the sliding glass doors were real and the air that night. The feelings I was having were common. Many times I would find myself alone in my mom’s friends bedrooms, or other rooms wishing that I were dead. Wishing that I could just disappear because I could never do anything right, I felt like such a nuisance, and I felt so alone.
October brings up those feelings.
I believe it is because during this time we did do frequent social gatherings and I was always alone unless I took care of things. Such as cleaning up and making myself useful and seen. I was also very energetic and loved to dance and put on shows for the grown-ups. When I think about it though I have negative associations, such as hearing words like, “She is always trying to get attention. She never stops with the dancing. Ok, Angel that is enough.” When I felt ignored it was not that I was purposely (I mean no one was trying to hurt me or make me feel ignored.) ignored, it was that the grown-ups were busy doing their thing. I believe that all of the questions I have had to go through lately have triggered deep emotions that I have hidden from myself.
Yesterday, I was trying to figure out why I kept crying.
I did not want to cry. I had no clear reason for me to cry. Finally, it hit me. I had completed my electronic medical records for when I go to the “women parts” doctor. I had to write about my pregnancies. I had to document the child (miscarriage) that I lost in October 2000. I also had to fill out personal information about my mental state and about any abuse I have had, emotional, physical, sexual, etc… It has been a lot to process, going over all of the psychological questions and then, these questions. It frustrates me when I realize that I have not processed and dealt with things, when I think that I have.
I trick myself so I will not hurt.
I convince myself that it is all filed away in the proper folders and now I will be happy forever and ever. I know that this is not true in my rational mind, but I do fall into this line of thinking. I do this most of the time so I can deal with the kid’s needs. I am working on balance here. I am glad that I was able to locate my cause of emotions so quickly. A day is pretty quick for me. In the book that I am reading, Asperger’s Syndrome And Mindfulness, he shares about AS and the five hindrances.
Five Hindrances from Wiki
1. Sensual desire (kāmacchanda): Craving for pleasure to the senses. (He called it sense desire.)
2. Anger or ill-will (byāpāda, vyāpāda): Feelings of malice directed toward others.
3. Sloth-torpor or boredom (thīna-middha): Half-hearted action with little or no concentration.
4. Restlessness-worry (uddhacca-kukkucca): The inability to calm the mind.
5. Doubt (vicikicchā): Lack of conviction or trust.
He breaks each of them down filtered through his Aspie mind.
I have found it very helpful. Since I do not relate to things as a “typical” person. I have different ways of defining the above five hindrances and to see his perspective was useful. I do comprehend some of the ways others have defined the five hindrances, but in some instances it does not make sense to me. I thought about them for a while and pondered (still pondering). I also took in his statements about mindfulness and thought about it for a while. I will share.
“The Buddha’s teachings suggest that there are five hindrances in our lives– a hindrance refers to a negative state of mind or an unmindful state. The opposite of mindfulness, an unmindful state is where one is unintentionally aware of their thought in relation to their surroundings. For instance, when frustrated, one may not be aware of the source of frustration, and at the other extreme, when excited, one may not be aware of their immediate vulnerabilities. Many people with Asperger’s Syndrome, including myself, often experience ‘mental blockages’ in relation to frustration and anxiety, which often make such issues difficult with, thus ‘hindering’ one’s ability to cope effectively.”
“These hindrances are with almost everyone in day-to-day life in various shapes and forms. For many with Asperger’s Syndrome, they represent issues that we often experience much difficulty in being able to cope with.”
I will leave with that and go about trying to be mindful today.