This may be considered a frazzlely mind dazzlely head spinning type of rant. I am not quite sure if my ramblings are cohesive or not. You have been warned.
In true Aspie (isc) form, I have been fixated on one particular thing that I watched last night. I was happily preparing Ariel and Joshua’s lessons and setting everything up for them since Daniel and I would be gone for a few hours this morning. I had Rock Center with Brian Williams speaking to my ears as I was organizing their paperwork and schedule for the day. I was intrigued that they were doing a segment on David Finch and the affects of Aspergers in his life and marriage when I had not known that prior to the show starting.
I do not watch it regularly, I tend to be reading or writing something in my spare moments.
I do watch it when I do not have other pressing things to do, you know, like writing poems, stories, walking onto the moon, escaping to Europa… those types of things. Anyway, I was watching it with a fine calm mind. I could relate to several of the things that were being talked about and had no issues. Then, I saw an Aspie Quiz that I took some time ago (results below) and heard ”Asperger’s Syndrome, a neurological disorder – a form of autism, characterized by ritualistic and obsessive tendencies and a lack of empathy for others” and “his score was off the charts.”
It caught my attention and made me spin into locating my Aspie quiz results.
I saw his score and wondered how he was “off the charts.” I do not know why I was stuck on that, but I did get stuck on those words for a while, feeling the need to get my score and compare. I wanted to know what “off the charts” meant. What does that mean? I scored “Your Aspie score: 171 of 200, Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 28 of 200″ Does that mean that I am off the charts? If so, please explain what you mean by that Kate Snow. I know I should not fret over such things, but my mind started to loop.
More specific, it began to loop on the statement about lack of empathy for others.
It has had me reeling all night and all day. All right, truth? Several things had me reeling, but I managed to stop most of those loops using my new coping skills. They have calmed me somewhat… well, I obviously had to write about it in order to help me clear my mind of this loopage. The good thing is that I did not sit down and write out a frantic post at 10 o’clock at night after, I hit rewind and play repeatedly. I was studying the words, actions, behaviors, and facial features of the people. I do not understand his wife’s emotions they felt unaccepting, but according to her other words expressed, they are not. However, she seemed rather put out with all of the behavioral issues.
That is based on a few minutes in a segment.
I cannot make a proper analysis. We all know that I lack some ability here at “reading” people’s body language and facial expressions. I have no idea what she was going through that day – maybe she was not up to having cameras in her face. Possibly, she was tired; maybe she and her husband were having an off day. She could have been thinking about her kids, or work. Who knows. All I was able to read was the video clip and the words she used. Words that are filtered through the way I define words. See I am in no place to judge what she meant by her words or actions. She did say she did not want to change the way he sees the world, and she clearly loves him.
Um, I was sidetracked.
I am a bit exhausted from this thing taking over my brain, Daniel’s evaluation and having to fill out yet another round of a hundred million gazillion questions about my son that I have already answered a QUADRILLION times. Blah! Side note, I do believe Daniel is going to qualify for all of the therapies that can be offered. He worked so hard, but was extremely distracted and continued to lose focus laughing at cars that drove by. OK! I know, I know! I am just as distracted. Did I mention that my brain is VERY frazzled? I also have to go to the store tonight, which will be fun.
I was able to keep myself on task this morning and go to Daniel’s evaluation on time. However, I was battling the sense of urgency that was blaring through my particles to write out in a fit of frustration about the statement she said with the lack of empathy. If you watch the segment when he talks about cows it is clear to me that he exhibits definite empathetic abilities. (Toward others, aren’t animals others?) Maybe it is because I understand his language, I do not know, but I felt empathy from him.
Basically, I was informed this morning that this is an issue that is not going away.
I need to accept the fact that I speak a different language than the majority. No matter what I do or say the majority is not going to understand the autistic way, or even more specific MY WAY of seeing things. There is no way to define empathy it is up to each individual just as the showing or expression of love. No one will understand that I and many others in my autistic community feel empathy so intensely that we can shut down. We can express it toward others, but it is not in the way that the majority will understand. I find it unfair, hurtful, and very frustrating that no matter how much work I put into trying to understand the world around me, many people will not try to understand my world.
It is beyond words when the people in my life are the ones so unwilling to compromise with me.
I do not think it helps my cause in reaching my family when the media continually pegs us as individuals who lack empathy toward others. I know plenty of people male and female who are NOT on the autism spectrum that lack empathy, sympathy, or any other type of expression of compassion. AND no, they are not sociopaths or narcissists they are just plain selfish jerks. Sorry I am ranting. I am just so frustrated. Probably because of all the questionnaires that I had to fill out today about Daniel.
I was filled with all kinds of emotions again.
Daniel is so full of empathy that is expressed in such unique ways. I hate the thought that others will look at him as lacking empathy. When he laughs at someone crying it is not because he lacks empathy he is trying to make them feel better. When he taps Ariel or Joshua on the head, shoulder, or gets in their face when they are hurt, he is trying to show that he cares. When he comes up to me and throws himself onto me if I am crying it is because he is trying to give me deep pressure. He craves deep pressure when he is sad or upset. That is him showing empathy. I am tired of people making me feel like I lack empathy.
I am tired of explaining how I show empathy.
I do not want to sound negative here. I did see a lot of good in the segment that was shared. I am happy that they found a way to make their marriage work for them. I am happy that they can share and help others who may benefit in similar ways. I am very pleased that over all Aspergers was shown in a much more positive light. Those are all very positive and wonderful things. Brian Williams always has my heart. He is so good at what he does and shows compassion in his work. He is also a very funny fellow – many people are unaware of his clever and witty sense of humor… Daily Show! (as in squirrel!) I wish I could work at the Daily Show I suppose they would not let me bring my cat. I am trailing off again…
Rambling into this.
I did take the Aspie Quiz twice once in 2009 and then, in 2011. I wanted to compare my results and see if anything had changed with my new (slow moving) acceptance of my being on the autism spectrum. Not much really changed, my score did become a bit higher, but it was in areas that I started to allow myself freedom.
My results, sorry they are in Word if you want to look at them.