Last week I had off and on anxiety intense moments. I am convinced that a few reasons are due to weather and that I slipped in some gluten. Bad, bad. (I am currently undergoing an experiment on myself. Maybe I will share the results. ) They were nothing major I knew that my brain was in overload with talking on the phone with the kids teachers, processing all of the information dealing with their school stuff. I felt stress because we needed to get their tests completed. We went to a couple of new places, such as the library and the Lego group. I was gearing up for kid’s church on Saturday.
Then, came in to play my stuff.
I continually forget how much work it is for my brain to process especially when emotions come into the mix. Only thinking of my emotions about the kids succeeding in school, and learning everything that they need to, getting all of them placed in the extra classes or electives to help them floods my mind. I think about it a lot. I try to gain balance – however, I know that I tend to fixate because of my own school triggers. I still have the thoughts race through my brain, “If only one teacher took the time to help me, maybe I could have…” I do not do it all the time, it is not a looping obsessive thought, but it is a springboard for me to be so focused on helping my kids.
My brain processes all of my past school experiences constantly.
I am not aware of it most of the time until something triggers my memory and I realize that I am being oversensitive or shutdown in emotion all together. This usually only happens when my anxiety is amped up. My brain looks for things to loop on creating imaginary puzzles to figure out. Sometimes they are really good for me other times not so much. Then, there is also Daniel’s evaluation this week that is looming in my head and all of the questions that are filling my brain like an avalanche. I have been through this before, but I have not been through this with a school appointed person. Even though I know what is happening somewhat, it is still new. My mind plays the evaluation as a movie, and goes straight into the,”What happens after the evaluation?” My thoughts spin in my subconscious and then to the forefront then to my subconscious. I am not pouring over it, but all of these linger and loom. (Oh, I like that linger, loom, I will add lurk.)
Keep all of that in mind as I share the other things my mind is processing.
First, I had phone anxiety to deal with. I did it. I got on the phone and made the phone calls that I needed to. I was able to process all of the conversations quickly and move on. Thankfully, they were all positive. Still the appointments sent me into a spiral of past experiences and all of the trauma that I have gone through with my body physically I have had a couple of surgeries dealing with my lady parts. Don’t get me wrong I enjoy having surgical procedures done to me. I think they are fun. I am strange like that. However, there is still traumatic things behind them and experiences while having them.
They are all tied to people from my past as well.
There are stories all attached to each event that brings up relationships issues, emotional hurts, social confusions that I never processed, feelings of abandonment, fears that I cannot attach words to, etc… I have never really pondered upon these things before. I mean in processing/dealing with type of way. I can write about it all I want it does not mean that I have really processed it and worked through anything. I have a way of tricking myself into believing I have dealt with things. (Not this time around I am doing very well at processing/dealing with when things arise.) In the past, when I would flood with emotions I did not understand, triggers, and reliving things I stuffed it. I would tell myself that I should be over all of that. I would attack myself verbally and demand that I stop being such a, “BIG BABY.”
“MY gosh! Angel just get over it!”
My years of praying things away did not work. My years of attacking myself verbally and physically did not work. My years of pretending that everything was ok, and all that I have gone through is not a big deal did not work. I digress – when I sat down and looked at the paperwork that I needed to fill out for the psychologist I mentally collapsed for a short time. I was covered with emotions all kinds of emotions. The questions with their blank lines under them could not even come close to holding what I needed to write. I had to stop reading the questions. There was too much.
There was too much that I realized I still have not allowed myself to process.
However, I think I will be able to process much of it quicker because of my new coping skills. I definitely, did not feel hopeless or consumed with depression, which is very good. So I have all of that soaring through my brain when my dad texted me to let me know that he was coming into town. You see, I could not possibly get in touch with them that night. I was vulnerable and overwhelmed. He has the potential of sending me into complete depression and he is completely unaware or would not even understand if I tried to tell him. I ended up leaving my phone in my purse. I was completely sidetracked the next day, forgot about my phone, and missed his call.
I still have not listened to the message.
I discovered that one of my sisters and her 6-year-old son came with him. If I would have called back, I am sure that I would have had a complete breakdown from anxiety, the feel of surprise, confusion, etc… I did not remember about my phone until yesterday. My aunt had called me too. Oops! All right, are you getting some of my brain mess here? Now, add Ariel is sick and running a temperature and yesterday, I had it set in my head that we complete the rest of their tests – Joshua had online class at 8 am. He struggles with getting on there so early.
La la la
It was around 4 pm, David was on a conference call, and I needed to keep things quiet. Ariel was sleeping; I was going over lessons and putting in test answers, CRASH! Aaaaaa! I found Daniel face planted on the floor. He fell off a chair and busted up his gums over his front teeth. I scooped him up trying to stop the blood, all the sudden my head got too dizzy for me, the room was turning black, nausea filled my stomach, flashes of my other little sister (who I lived with growing up) screaming, blood pouring out of her mouth pounded in my head. She had fallen off the picnic table in the backyard when I had only seconds earlier told her to get down.
She busted out her two front teeth.
I was watching my two sisters; one was around 6 months and the other one who got hurt, was around two or three I believe. I did not have my driver’s license; I had to call my mom. YOU NEVER CALL MOM AT WORK! I had to call I could not tell if I needed an ambulance. I tried to stop the bleeding it would not. I was calm and fully capable, but I was panicking on the inside because I felt guilt, I was terrified to call my mom, I felt horrible for my sister. I was able to calm my sister down and cleaned up enough to see that we did not need an ambulance. I knew that I could not call my mom in a panic because she would have lost it on me. I also knew that there was no way my mom could handle seeing my sister like this, me, or the house, so I had to get the blood off her, the house, and me before she got home to take her to the hospital.
While I was trying to take care of Daniel, I was rushed and almost knocked to the floor.
I told Joshua, “Go get Daddy tell him it’s an emergency!” I could not handle it. I did manage to breathe and clean Daniel up as much as possible, being that I was almost unable to stand. I could feel that it was a matter of seconds though before I was going down. David got there and that was it for me. I got some words out, but fell to the floor. I was dizzy and sick. I could not move and all I could think of was, “I have failed Daniel. I should have been able to be there for him.” After about 10 minutes, I was able to get back on the move. Daniel took a chunk of his gums out, but his front teeth were fine.
He did make one of his baby teeth loose.
He pulled it out, put it in my face, and said, “Here.” later in the evening. He wanted me to pull it right away, but it was not quite ready. He does not like to wait. He is still fine, only bruised and scabby gums, but doing well. Ariel is still sickly. I am feeling MUCH better. I was able to deal with the trauma and emotional guilt I felt with my sister from so many years ago. It was not my fault, but I had been carrying the guilt of it all of these years. I had no idea. I am forcing myself to write this out because I caught myself having negative thoughts about what had happened to Daniel.
I also caught myself thinking that I was overreacting with stress and anxiety.
I was mentally saying things like, “Other people are not so emotional and struck by little things like this. What is wrong with you?” I am not sure where those voices come from, but they are a lie. (Actually, I do know where some of them come from and that is why I am protecting myself from people I know can cause me to spiral when I am so vulnerable.)
I just got a wild rush of freedom this morning! Woot!