Yesterday became an overwhelming mess. It started going smoothly, Daniel was all geared up for doing school, but he had it in his mind that after one lesson we would all be done and go to the pet store. Um, no. He struggles very much with time, and gets frustrated because I am unable to give him a specific length of time for each lesson. I am changing that today. We got a timer that I will be using for each lesson now. I made that decision just now. Ha ha ha I had not thought of it until this moment. I will set it and once it lights up, that is it whether we are finished or not.
Back to yesterday.
This moment of frustration caused a morning of derailment. I was awaiting a phone call from Joshua’s teacher to go over his individual learning style and missed the call. That sent me into an anxiety ridden feeling because we then had to reschedule. (Remember I do have phone anxiety, even though it is getting better – it in not gone!) I called her back and emailed her. I was now completely derailed and frustrated – my perfect day that I had planned in my head was ruined. :-/ Thankfully, she called back right away and we were able to go over everything. Good news, Joshua is already improving. Yay!
Let’s see if I can make this quick.
I am trying to bring peace to my mind and writing all of this out will help. Daniel and Ariel had a writing assignment that was due on Monday. I have been working with Ariel since last Friday trying to help her write her thoughts on paper and come up with her own sentences. Daniel refused and refused, I told him that it had to be done, and I needed him to at least try. Finally, on Tuesday I came up with the pet store as an incentive. Still yesterday, was just awful. I have no other words for it. He wrote one sentence and then, lost it. I know that it took a lot for him, but I also know that he flat out did not want to do it and tried to upset all of us and our schooling for the day. I was so frustrated because it affected Ariel and Joshua until they were so overwhelmed that they could not do school.
Though they tried very hard and pressed through completing their lessons after a break.
I helped Daniel as much as possible, but I knew that he was not having an uncontrollable meltdown. In a way, it was good. He was using tactics that other children use at a much younger age. He would get upset and then, stop to see if I was looking. I would tell him that he needed to stop because Ariel and Joshua needed quiet and calm to concentrate for school. He would get really loud, and then look at me to see what I was going to do. I ignored the behavior at that point. I was too tired and at my wits end. After, about half an hour he just stopped and said, “Ok, I want to finish my sentences now.” He wrote a couple more, but was unable to do the whole assignment.
So that was all good.
Except the rest of us were drained of energy. We were able to bounce back. We got the lessons completed and headed off to the pet store. We ended up going to two different ones. I was so sad at the exotic pet store. It smelled horrible, the cages were filthy, the animals looked sad, and I swear all of them were talking to me. I wish I could save them all. I may call someone about that place. The poor birds are living in cages coated in bird poo, and rust. Aaack! I am going to cry. Focus. We went to Petsmart too, and it was a huge difference in cleanliness and smell. Although, I do not think those animals are happy either. I REALLY want a bearded dragon!
While we were over looking at the cats, the woman handling the paperwork for the shelter was there with her two kids. She was ignoring the kids who were about the same age as mine. Her little girl went in and tried to get a cat out of a pet caddy, her brother came in and hit her, and the mom went in and started yelling at the girl in a very harsh manner. She then, yanked the boy by his arm, forcing him to sit down on some ladder thing and then told him not to move. (In a very aggressive tone.) I stood there in shock. I looked at my guys and could tell that Joshua was very upset. Ariel had a poker face, but I was not sure if Daniel had heard or seen anything.
I did not want to leave those kids.
I stood there for a few minutes to make sure those kids were safe, and then walked away with my kids. When we got to a place that was quiet and away, I talked to them about it. Joshua was almost in tears saying, “I saw the brother hit his sister and the mom yelled at them meanly.” We discussed how some parents are different and handle things in ways that we do not. I asked Ariel if she was upset, she did not want to talk about it, but said, “Yes, it upset me. Can we please go look at the frogs again? I want a fire belly frog!” Daniel was too focused on something else.
I saw them again in the parking lot.
I was taking some pictures of clouds before we headed home. The mom was yelling at them while on the phone and I watched her push the kids in the car. I did not know what to do. I questioned whether I was overly sensitive. I did not feel any immediate danger, but pure meanness. (I lost my words, I think it was because of everything that happened earlier and not knowing what to say as well.) It seemed as if the mom had no filter, normally people have some sort of filter in public. If that was her filtered, I worry for those kids. I am still upset about that and it made me ponder over my behavior lately. I asked the kids if I have been grumpy or mean lately. They said that I was grumpy sometimes. I have felt so irritable and cranky the last few days. A couple of hours can feel like years so I never know how long I am actually acting or feeling a certain way.
If it is more than a day, I think that it has been at least several months.
No sense of time. I have been cranky this week. I figured out what it is. I have been socializing, and going out since last Wednesday. I have either been on the phone everyday or taking the kids places. I talked to my other aunt on the phone who I have not spoken with since the going away party for my cousin. She is having a baby shower for my other cousin in a month. Another social event. I have been on the phone with both of the kids teachers. Today they start their individualized testing for math and reading to help gear their learning plans toward their specific needs. All three of them have online classes today. Daniel has two reading classes, which he has already stated he is only doing one.
We will see.
They need to continue the regular lesson plan. In addition, they must be in attendance tomorrow and have all of their assignments completed. Now, I cannot recall at the moment, but I think we have some time with the tests. I will look in a moment. The issue is not that. The issue is this is a lot of things for my brain to process. As well as take care of the house, answer text/voice mail messages, prepare meals, snacks, prepare lessons, work on specific reading needs for Joshua and Daniel, try to help all three of them with dysgraphia, and be a mom helping their needs. Trying to keep peace in the household, etc… I am not saying that I have more than other mothers do, no; not at all, what I am saying is my brain is full.
I am rather tired.
I did not know why I was feeling irritable and tired when I have been getting enough sleep. Maybe other mom’s can handle all of this stuff with ease, but this mom… well I cannot and I admit it. Coming full circle here, the title is wrong. My mind had the negative thinking pattern that something is wrong with me. I am not good enough. I should be able to do all of this and not get tired or irritable. Other mothers do this and even have more! What is wrong with me? There is nothing wrong me; I am accepting that I have limitations. I am reminding myself because I so easily forget.
My limitations are ok to admit, feel, and confess it does not mean that I am weak or incapable. (I am human.)