Monthly Archives: September 2012

09/28/12

Come On! Enough With The “Lacking Empathy”

This may be considered a frazzlely mind dazzlely head spinning type of rant. I am not quite sure if my ramblings are cohesive or not. You have been warned. :-)  

In true Aspie (isc) form, I have been fixated on one particular thing that I watched last night. I was happily preparing Ariel and Joshua’s lessons and setting everything up for them since Daniel and I would be gone for a few hours this morning. I had Rock Center with Brian Williams speaking to my ears as I was organizing their paperwork and schedule for the day. I was intrigued that they were doing a segment on David Finch and the affects of Aspergers in his life and marriage when I had not known that prior to the show starting.

I do not watch it regularly, I tend to be reading or writing something in my spare moments. 

I do watch it when I do not have other pressing things to do, you know, like writing poems, stories, walking onto the moon, escaping to Europa… those types of things. Anyway, I was watching it with a fine calm mind. I could relate to several of the things that were being talked about and had no issues. Then, I saw an Aspie Quiz that I took some time ago (results below) and heard  ”Asperger’s Syndrome, a neurological disorder – a form of autism, characterized by ritualistic and obsessive tendencies and a lack of empathy for others” and “his score was off the charts.”

It caught my attention and made me spin into locating my Aspie quiz results. 

I saw his score and wondered how he was “off the charts.” I do not know why I was stuck on that, but I did get stuck on those words for a while, feeling the need to get my score and compare. I wanted to know what “off the charts” meant. What does that mean? I scored “Your Aspie score: 171 of 200, Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 28 of 200″ Does that mean that I am off the charts? If so, please explain what you mean by that Kate Snow. I know I should not fret over such things, but my mind started to loop.

More specific, it began to loop on the statement about lack of empathy for others.

It has had me reeling all night and all day. All right, truth? Several things had me reeling, but I managed to stop most of those loops using my new coping skills. They have calmed me somewhat…  well, I obviously had to write about it in order to help me clear my mind of this loopage. The good thing is that I did not sit down and write out a frantic post at 10 o’clock at night after, I hit rewind and play repeatedly. I was studying the words, actions, behaviors, and facial features of the people. I do not understand his wife’s emotions they felt unaccepting, but according to her other words expressed, they are not. However, she seemed rather put out with all of the behavioral issues.

That is based on a few minutes in a segment. 

I cannot make a proper analysis. We all know that I lack some ability here at “reading” people’s body language and facial expressions. I have no idea what she was going through that day – maybe she was not up to having cameras in her face. Possibly, she was tired; maybe she and her husband were having an off day. She could have been thinking about her kids, or work. Who knows. All I was able to read was the video clip and the words she used. Words that are filtered through the way I define words. See I am in no place to judge what she meant by her words or actions. She did say she did not want to change the way he sees the world, and she clearly loves him.

Um, I was sidetracked. 

I am a bit exhausted from this thing taking over my brain, Daniel’s evaluation and having to fill out yet another round of a hundred million gazillion questions about my son that I have already answered a QUADRILLION times. Blah! Side note, I do believe Daniel is going to qualify for all of the therapies that can be offered. He worked so hard, but was extremely distracted and continued to lose focus laughing at cars that drove by. :-) OK! I know, I know! I am just as distracted. Did I mention that my brain is VERY frazzled? I also have to go to the store tonight, which will be fun.

SQUIRREL! 

I was able to keep myself on task this morning and go to Daniel’s evaluation on time. However, I was battling the sense of urgency that was blaring through my particles to write out in a fit of frustration about the statement she said with the lack of empathy. If you watch the segment when he talks about cows it is clear to me that he exhibits definite empathetic abilities. (Toward others, aren’t animals others?) Maybe it is because I understand his language, I do not know, but I felt empathy from him.

Basically, I was informed this morning that this is an issue that is not going away. 

I need to accept the fact that I speak a different language than the majority. No matter what I do or say the majority is not going to understand the autistic way, or even more specific MY WAY of seeing things. There is no way to define empathy it is up to each individual just as the showing or expression of love. No one will understand that I and many others in my autistic community feel empathy so intensely that we can shut down. We can express it toward others, but it is not in the way that the majority will understand. I find it unfair, hurtful, and very frustrating that no matter how much work I put into trying to understand the world around me, many people will not try to understand my world.

It is beyond words when the people in my life are the ones so unwilling to compromise with me. 

I do not think it helps my cause in reaching my family when the media continually pegs us as individuals who lack empathy toward others. I know plenty of people male and female who are NOT on the autism spectrum that lack empathy, sympathy, or any other type of expression of compassion. AND no, they are not sociopaths or narcissists they are just plain selfish jerks. Sorry I am ranting. I am just so frustrated. Probably because of all the questionnaires that I had to fill out today about Daniel.

I was filled with all kinds of emotions again. 

Daniel is so full of empathy that is expressed in such unique ways. I hate the thought that others will look at him as lacking empathy. When he laughs at someone crying it is not because he lacks empathy he is trying to make them feel better. When he taps Ariel or Joshua on the head, shoulder, or gets in their face when they are hurt, he is trying to show that he cares. When he comes up to me and throws himself onto me if I am crying it is because he is trying to give me deep pressure. He craves deep pressure when he is sad or upset. That is him showing empathy. I am tired of people making me feel like I lack empathy.

I am tired of explaining how I show empathy. 

I do not want to sound negative here. I did see a lot of good in the segment that was shared. I am happy that they found a way to make their marriage work for them. I am happy that they can share and help others who may benefit in similar ways. I am very pleased that over all Aspergers was shown in a much more positive light. Those are all very positive and wonderful things. Brian Williams always has my heart. He is so good at what he does and shows compassion in his work. He is also a very funny fellow – many people are unaware of his clever and witty sense of humor… Daily Show! (as in squirrel!) I wish I could work at the Daily Show I suppose they would not let me bring my cat. I am trailing off again…

Rambling into this.

I did take the Aspie Quiz twice once in 2009 and then, in 2011. I wanted to compare my results and see if anything had changed with my new (slow moving) acceptance of my being on the autism spectrum. Not much really changed, my score did become a bit higher, but it was in areas that I started to allow myself freedom.

My results, sorry they are in Word if you want to look at them. 

Aspie-quiz 2009

Aspie-quiz 2011

Some links:

David Finch

Asperger’s diagnosis leads man to unlikely connection to Howard Stern

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09/27/12

A Bit Of Jibberjabber & Knickknackery

Knickknackery! That is my favorite word for the day! Both jibberjabber & knickknackery are quite fun to say, especially together repeatedly… It makes me feel as if I will float off on a magical mysterious red balloon that appears out of nowhere – it is giggling with a bunch of trailing bubbles. Oh, yes! Welcome to my oddity of mind today. Sometimes I am too serious and I have to jolt myself right out of it before I head straight to the Cliffs of Insanity!

This post is nothing more than a bunch of rambling mishmosh. 

However, in the midst of such musing is always some helpful or exciting information, possibly a smidgen of seriousness… So first thing, my head is soaring, today was not the smooth flowing school day I had envisioned in my mind when I awoke at 6:11 am. No, no some cranky kiddies and several online classes made for an adventurous day. Ariel and Daniel are still recovering. Ariel from her sickness (she is much better only a little stuffy nosed) and Daniel is doing amazingly well considering he had such a horrible accident. His gums are looking well and his lip is not as swollen – he did demand that I pull out his second baby tooth that was loose.

That makes two baby teeth he lost this week. 

Fell face first onto the floor, lost two baby teeth, created a whole new country with Lego’s for a school assignment, and is anxiously awaiting his evaluation tomorrow, all in all, he is doing remarkable! He named his country Craziness Place (“Craziness because it is all pretend.”) where the high mountains are slow, the hills are named hills, the ground moves, Piglets and only one Pooh reside, they eat a little honey, they fish all day, and it is hot and cold a lot of the time. Ariel’s country is Izanhoe, where there is very little water, Christmas Pines fill the land, people wear shoes and gloves that curl, there are long legged giraffes, and elephants with trunks as big as a giraffe’s neck, the mountains are named Hikes, all of the lakes are named Fresh because they are fresh and they are filled with dragons.

Joshua did not have to do that assignment. 

He did create a grand pyramid and a big huge “weeds place” (some sort of plant) out of Lego’s. I have pictures! You know it. Hee hee What exciting things have been amusing the kiddies while they were feeling a bit under the weather? Well, for fun they have been using these awesome apps! Dragon Box, Mathemagics – Mental Math Tricks, and Mathemagics – Easy Algebra Fast. (No kickbacks here, I just love to share.) Here is a nice bit of information DragonBox: Algebra Beats Angry Birds. 

I do love when my current loops ties into awesome things for the kids. 

I am somewhat obsessed with numbers and things of the universe at the moment. Big Surprise! Oh, look at this! Stars and Dust Across Corona Australis  Awesome! Oh, boy I am not sure if my post sounds as rapid fire as my brain does at the moment so far I have written up to this point in less than 15 minutes if that gives you any clue to what brain is doing to me right now. AND I have not even had any coffee or any sort of caffeine.

Stop, deep breath…

I do believe this is a bit of anxious jitters about tomorrow and the weather is making feel so weird. I mean really weird, all fuzzy and seeing colors and squigglies all over the place. It has heightened my synesthesia or something. I have not taken any medicine; I do not drink, or use any other substance so I have nothing to blame it on.

Except my brain! :-)  

All right, I have some serious things that were floating about in my brain, but quite frankly I do not want to think about it. They are just ramblings of things I have been processing, mainly the questions that I continue to put off for my psychologist. I guess I will share a moment of seriousness to get it out of my head. A friend of mine sent me their ASD checklist. I decided that I did not want to look at what they wrote at all. I wanted to test myself and see how I answered the questioned based solely on my own thoughts. As I went down all of the questions I started to feel a rush of emotions.

I am not even sure what they were. 

It got to the point where I thought, “This would be easier to try to pick out what I do not do!” It was in that moment where any last bit of doubt I had about me being on the autism spectrum was diminished. I was not sure how I felt. It was not a bad thing, but it did not feel good either. I am not sure if I make any sense. The flood of thoughts came over me and for a moment, I was really ticked off. I thought, “All of you mean, manipulating, abusive, selfish jerks! How would you feel now if you knew you messed with a socially handicapped person?! AND some of you are still screwing with me, but because I “look and act” so normal you would never believe that I don’t know what the heck you are doing or saying!”

I sighed a very deep and long sigh. 

I stopped filling out my paperwork and reading the questions. I decided that I need to really deal with the fact that I have not accepted fully many things about myself. I say it with my words my mind and heart have not come into agreement. I do not know why – I do think it is a hard thing and something that people will have to work through in their own time.

It does not mean I have been trying to deny anything; it is just a lot to take in.

It makes your past look so different and the world opens up in a completely new way. The realization that I have not allowed myself to do and act in ways that are natural to me is a lot to process. Then, comes the fear of allowing myself to be natural and reliving all of the emotional trauma and pains from the past flood my mind for the times that I did allow myself to flow naturally and the repercussions that it brought. In actuality, I forgot to put on my emotional protective gear around others those times, or I was so naive that I did not know any better. It is a lot, it is good, it will all mesh at some point, and these emotions will find their proper place. (I know that I am speaking in past and present terms, but they are simultaneously flashing in my head.)

When I write some of the stuff out that I am processing, it seems like a lot. 

I do not feel that way, with all of the things that I have been talking about they seem to connect and feel like one linear link that in the end will loop into another section of progress. I had a friend email me and say that they did not want to be a nuisance because I was going through so much. I thought about her words and realized that is when I need to hear from people who love me the most. (Or even people who like me… just a little.  hee hee) I told her that it helps keep me emotionally balanced, even if she is sharing the tough things that she is going through. It helps me to know that people are there and it helps me to think of others because I can so easily fall into a dark spiral. If I do not hear from people  that I care about or share some communication with I can fall into negative and confusing thinking patterns about the relationship. See I am rambling and babbling… I think I will finish with that.

Because! I have to share Ariel’s awesome tale of the moon.

As well, as pictures of what the kids did. Pictures make me feel all happity. The Space Chronicles is what she has started while she has been feeling sickly. This particular story is about the moon. She also created picture stories about some dragons, gave details as to how HIV infects people, and created a diagram of a dissected body. No worries it is not extremely detailed, but it is pretty cool. (The balloon picture is stuck in there, oh well I like it.)

One day the Moon saw the planets and he wanted color too. He saw Mercury and she told Earth that she did not want to date him. So Moon went and bought some color because he really liked Mercury. He got all colored up and Mercury liked him very much, but she did not like his hair. Moon decided to go get color and color his hair green and yellow. Mercury really liked him then and they got married and had a baby. ~ By Ariel

That is all she has right now, but she says there is a lot more to the story. :-)  

 

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09/25/12

Wild Rush

Last week I had off and on anxiety intense moments. I am convinced that a few reasons are due to weather and that I slipped in some gluten. Bad, bad. (I am currently undergoing an experiment on myself. Maybe I will share the results. :-) ) They were nothing major I knew that my brain was in overload with talking on the phone with the kids teachers, processing all of the information dealing with their school stuff. I felt stress because we needed to get their tests completed. We went to a couple of new places, such as the library and the Lego group. I was gearing up for kid’s church on Saturday.

Then, came in to play my stuff. 

I continually forget how much work it is for my brain to process especially when emotions come into the mix. Only thinking of my emotions about the kids succeeding in school, and learning everything that they need to, getting all of them placed in the extra classes or electives to help them floods my mind. I think about it a lot. I try to gain balance – however, I know that I tend to fixate because of my own school triggers. I still have the thoughts race through my brain, “If only one teacher took the time to help me, maybe I could have…” I do not do it all the time, it is not a looping obsessive thought, but it is a springboard for me to be so focused on helping my kids.

My brain processes all of my past school experiences constantly. 

I am not aware of it most of the time until something triggers my memory and I realize that I am being oversensitive or shutdown in emotion all together. This usually only happens when my anxiety  is amped up. My brain looks for things to loop on creating imaginary puzzles to figure out. Sometimes they are really good for me other times not so much. Then, there is also Daniel’s evaluation this week that is looming in my head and all of the questions that are filling my brain like an avalanche. I have been through this before, but I have not been through this with a school appointed person. Even though I know what is happening somewhat, it is still new. My mind plays the evaluation as a movie, and goes straight into the,”What happens after the evaluation?” My thoughts spin in my subconscious and then to the forefront then to my subconscious. I am not pouring over it, but all of these linger and loom. :-) (Oh, I like that linger, loom, I will add lurk.)

Keep all of that in mind as I share the other things my mind is processing.

First, I had phone anxiety to deal with. I did it. I got on the phone and made the phone calls that I needed to. I was able to process all of the conversations quickly and move on. Thankfully, they were all positive. Still the appointments sent me into a spiral of past experiences and all of the trauma that I have gone through with my body physically I have had a couple of surgeries dealing with my lady parts. Don’t get me wrong I enjoy having surgical procedures done to me. I think they are fun. I am strange like that. However, there is still traumatic things behind them and experiences while having them.

They are all tied to people from my past as well. 

There are stories all attached to each event that brings up relationships issues, emotional hurts, social confusions that I never processed, feelings of abandonment, fears that I cannot attach words to, etc… I have never really pondered upon these things before. I mean in processing/dealing with type of way. I can write about it all I want it does not mean that I have really processed it and worked through anything. I have a way of tricking myself into believing I have dealt with things. (Not this time around I am doing very well at processing/dealing with when things arise.) In the past, when I would flood with emotions I did not understand, triggers, and reliving things I stuffed it. I would tell myself that I should be over all of that. I would attack myself verbally and demand that I stop being such a, “BIG BABY.”

“MY gosh! Angel just get over it!” 

My years of praying things away did not work. My years of attacking myself verbally and physically did not work. My years of pretending that everything was ok, and all that I have gone through is not a big deal did not work. I digress – when I sat down and looked at the paperwork that I needed to fill out for the psychologist I mentally collapsed for a short time. I was covered with emotions all kinds of emotions. The questions with their blank lines under them could not even come close to holding what I needed to write. I had to stop reading the questions. There was too much.

There was too much that I realized I still have not allowed myself to process. 

However, I think I will be able to process much of it quicker because of my new coping skills. I definitely, did not feel hopeless or consumed with depression, which is very good. So I have all of that soaring through my brain when my dad texted me to let me know that he was coming into town. You see, I could not possibly get in touch with them that night. I was vulnerable and overwhelmed. He has the potential of sending me into complete depression and he is completely unaware or would not even understand if I tried to tell him. I ended up leaving my phone in my purse. I was completely sidetracked the next day, forgot about my phone, and missed his call.

I still have not listened to the message.

I discovered that one of my sisters and her 6-year-old son came with him. If I would have called back, I am sure that I would have had a complete breakdown from anxiety, the feel of surprise, confusion, etc… I did not remember about my phone until yesterday. My aunt had called me too. Oops! All right, are you getting some of my brain mess here? Now, add Ariel is sick and running a temperature and yesterday, I had it set in my head that we complete the rest of their tests – Joshua had online class at 8 am. He struggles with getting on there so early.

La la la

It was around 4 pm, David was on a conference call, and I needed to keep things quiet. Ariel was sleeping; I was going over lessons and putting in test answers, CRASH! Aaaaaa! I found Daniel face planted on the floor. He fell off a chair and busted up his gums over his front teeth. I scooped him up trying to stop the blood, all the sudden my head got too dizzy for me, the room was turning black, nausea filled my stomach, flashes of my other little sister (who I lived with growing up) screaming, blood pouring out of her mouth pounded in my head. She had fallen off the picnic table in the backyard when I had only seconds earlier told her to get down.

She busted out her two front teeth.

I was watching my two sisters; one was around 6 months and the other one who got hurt, was around two or three I believe. I did not have my driver’s license; I had to call my mom. YOU NEVER CALL MOM AT WORK! I had to call I could not tell if I needed an ambulance. I tried to stop the bleeding it would not. I was calm and fully capable, but I was panicking on the inside because I felt guilt, I was terrified to call my mom, I felt horrible for my sister. I was able to calm my sister down and cleaned up enough to see that we did not need an ambulance. I knew that I could not call my mom in a panic because she would have lost it on me. I also knew that there was no way my mom could handle seeing my sister like this, me, or the house, so I had to get the blood off her, the house, and me before she got home to take her to the hospital.

While I was trying to take care of Daniel, I was rushed and almost knocked to the floor. 

I told Joshua, “Go get Daddy tell him it’s an emergency!” I could not handle it. I did manage to breathe and clean Daniel up as much as possible, being that I was almost unable to stand. I could feel that it was a matter of seconds though before I was going down. David got there and that was it for me. I got some words out, but fell to the floor. I was dizzy and sick. I could not move and all I could think of was, “I have failed Daniel. I should have been able to be there for him.”  After about 10 minutes, I was able to get back on the move. Daniel took a chunk of his gums out, but his front teeth were fine.

He did make one of his baby teeth loose. 

He pulled it out, put it in my face, and said, “Here.” later in the evening. :-)  He wanted me to pull it right away, but it was not quite ready. He does not like to wait. He is still fine, only bruised and scabby gums, but doing well. Ariel is still sickly. :-( I am feeling MUCH better. I was able to deal with the trauma and emotional guilt I felt with my sister from so many years ago. It was not my fault, but I had been carrying the guilt of it all of these years. I had no idea. I am forcing myself to write this out because I caught myself having negative thoughts about what had happened to Daniel.

I also caught myself thinking that I was overreacting with stress and anxiety.

I was mentally saying things like, “Other people are not so emotional and struck by little things like this. What is wrong with you?” I am not sure where those voices come from, but they are a lie. (Actually, I do know where some of them come from and that is why I am protecting myself from people I know can cause me to spiral when I am so vulnerable.)

I just got a wild rush of freedom this morning! Woot! 

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09/23/12

Can You See What I Am Thinking?

An interesting discovery happened the other day while doing an assignment with Daniel for school. He watched several videos about his workspace and then, was to draw a picture of his workspace. He was supposed to make a drawing of his desk, and books, and paper, etc… However, when he came running to me to show me what he had completed he had this:

I asked him what his drawing meant. 

He told me that I should know what his workstation looked like because he was thinking about it. I was a little puzzled. He then asked, “Don’t you see this above my head?” After a few minutes of back and forth questioning, I suddenly realized that Daniel was under the impression that others could see whatever he thought. He believed that after watching the video, which had illustrations of people thinking, and them using the “cartoon thought bubbles” to show what people were thinking, that all people could see his thoughts.

I discovered further that he was under this impression before he saw the images as well. 

However, I was unaware that he thought this. It is a form of him believing that people can read or “see” his thoughts. It is a hard thing to explain to him. I too have difficulty with this particular thing. I tend to forget that people cannot see into my brain. However, it certainly feels as if they do at times. When I explained that we could not see his thoughts, he said, “I really wish you could.”

Today I decided to look for bubble thought images to print out. 

After I printed them, I showed them to Daniel, this was our conversation:

Me: Do you think you could draw what you are thinking?

Daniel: I have to color what I am thinking?

Me: Yes, we cannot see what you are thinking.

Daniel: Why not?

Me: Daniel do you think that a bubble thing pops up above your head when you are thinking about something?

Daniel: Yes.

Me: Buddy, we cannot see what you are thinking. You need to tell us with your words, but if you cannot get your words out do you think that you could draw it for us? If you would like you could draw it on these bubble thoughts I have printed out.

Daniel: I am thinking about recording something on my recorder.

Me: You do not need to draw that. We can work on this.

Daniel: Ok.

We will work on what I meant by drawing what he is thinking, I was not specific enough. :-)  

This was a great insight into what he is thinking though. It could explain much of his frustrations with others and me. It was kind of a shock for him when I explained to him that we could not see his thoughts. He did not believe me at first, and then he grew tired of talking about it. I assumed he understood until just a little while ago when I asked him about it again. He still believed that we could see his thoughts. I do understand this and struggle myself as I mentioned earlier.

It feels like people can see my thoughts at times and I feel as if they do things on purpose. 

It is hard for me to put into words, but I can error in thinking that people already know something because I thought it. I can also think that I already spoke it out when in actuality I only thought it. Thinking it feels the same as saying to me. People’s response or lack of response can confuse me when I feel as if they should already know or that I have already expressed what I am thinking. I have gotten a lot better with this, but I find it difficult to remember with people who are close to me.

I had not connected it to Daniel.

I really had not thought of that for myself either. It was only when I had the visual and Daniel’s words together that I started to realize this. I think this can clear up many of his frustrations and help with our communication with him and to him. I never would have thought he felt as if we could “see” his thoughts. This is a huge positive and I am so glad it was revealed.

Here is the blank bubble thought I am using.

I think I may carry these around in my purse for me! :-)  

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09/21/12

Phone Skills Um… Sort Of

Slowly but surely I have been gaining some of my phone skills back. There have been several years that I have been practically unable to use the phone. I have always been like this. As a kid, I was terrified of using the phone. I did talk on the phone with my friends, but normally it was always focused on my special interests. As I went on to my teenage years, the phone was for the purpose of grand arguments with my boyfriend, or making plans with my friends and that took a lot of energy.

Most of the time they had to call me.

At all of my work places, I became very good at making up excuses for not answering the phone, or I became incredibly irritable and angry. Usually, becoming snippy with my fellow employees and often the customers or clients as well. I tried everything not to be that way, but I could not help it. It always sent a jolt of electricity through my veins attacking me with direct panic induced feelings. It is still does. I hated it when I moved and would have to call places to change my address. I hated talking to any place that dealt with my bills. I hated making appointments to the doctor, ordering food, etc. I hated using the phone so much that on several occasions instead of calling in sick when I was seriously ill I went in.

I normally went in anyway because I had no clue as to how sick I was. :-)

The only time I would call for a doctors appointment was when I could no longer bare the pain, or someone else insisted. However, I usually got them to call and make the appointment. I have talked about this before, but I am giving a little briefing to those who are new or visiting for the first time. I am not exactly sure as to why the phone frightens me so. I have lost several job interviews and possible jobs in the past because I was unable to pick up the phone when it rang and I listened as they left a message. I was unable to get enough courage to call them back.

I only called back places that I REALLY wanted to, or it felt like I was supposed to get the job.

I have had that happened several times, a gut feeling that it was the job I should have. I did get everyone of those jobs the other ones I did not have that strong sense. Possibly, they were not meant to be, or I was just too terrified of the phone, who knows. I have been able to overcome making phone calls for my kids. If it has anything to do with them I can make myself do it, but it can take me a couple of days to work up the nerve. I normally have to write out what I want to say and ask. I do not order food. I am freaked out about ordering the wrong thing.

That has happened to me before.

I go over and over what another person wants, I write it down, I read it directly to the person taking the order and then, they give me the wrong thing! It can bring me to tears. I do not understand why this stuff happens to me. These types of things always happen to me, even not on the phone. Such as, a couple of weeks ago when we went to church for the first time here. I asked one of the ushers where children’s church was and he said, “Oh, we only have that on Sundays. We do not have anything for Saturday night service.” I found that so strange since my aunt told me that she was teaching and doing a skit that night.

I decided to have the kids give regular church a try.

They made it through worship and I decided to have them walk around to get a feel for the building. (Daniel needed to investigate the stairs, doors, and perimeter anyway.) We ended up hearing my aunt’s voice down the hall. (She is kind of loud – love her! I can be too.) This was how we found children’s church. I told her what had happened and she thought possibly it was a new usher because they have brought in a bunch of new volunteers. When I later showed her who the person was she said, “What? He is practically an elder; he is a deacon who has been around here a long time. That is strange.”

I came home and told David because I was so confused.

He said, “Why does that stuff always happen to you?” I know? Why? These kinds of confusing mix-ups happen over the phone all the time and I am certain it is a contributor to my phone anxiety. It happens in real life situations and phone situations. In the last few days, I have managed to get on the phone and set up several appointments for myself. I have been researching and looking for a psychologist around here for a few months. I finally gathered enough nerve to contact several places.

I emailed of course.

I had hoped they would connect with me via email, but I did not get my hopes up. I am also very jaded toward people due to all of the horrible encounters I had where we used to live. People would not contact me back; I would call, email, and leave messages. That takes a lot out of me anyway so to receive no interaction was frustrating. However, when I did actually speak to a person it was a negative experience. They were rude, treated me as if I was a moron, or would be frustrated with my questions. It made my phone anxieties heighten, I started lose confidence in my ability to communicate with anyone all together.

In real life, or a phone.

I am blabbering… Some people may think it is a ridiculous thing to have an unknown fear, or panic attack thinking of picking up the phone. I wish I did not have this anxiety, but I do. Here is where I am going to share what a triumph I had with the phone. I received an email back from the psychologist office answering all of my questions and telling me that I could call and set up an appointment at anytime. They are open until 7 pm on certain nights during the week so I called after dinner one evening. The woman asked me to hold in an abrasive way, I agreed to hold, but then the panic started to set in.

I started questioning if my email had bothered her. 

I worried that if she was acting like that then possibly the whole office had mean abrasive women. The tears started to well up – I made myself breathe slowly and try to think rationally. I thought she must be terribly busy or something. She came back on and said, “Can you hold, it is going to be a while.” In the abrasive manner again. I almost hung up, but instead I stayed calm and asked, “Would it be better if I called back tomorrow?” Her voice completely changed and she shared that she was the only one in the office after 5 pm. She also said, “That is up to you though, if you want to hold you can.” I told her it was no problem that I would call back in the morning.

She was very kind after that. 

I decided to give it another try and the next day I felt a lot better with how I was being treated. It gave me enough courage to contact the other doctor’s office. (The doctor’s office for women issues.) Now I love going to the doctor, the regular doctor. I do not like going to the doctor who has to inspect all my private parts, prodding, and poking around there. That brings up a whole other round of issues for me. Along with fears that something is wrong and I will have to have surgery, or another laparoscopy. What if my endometriosis is back? Urg! I do not have money for that stuff. I do not have time to deal with bodily issues. I am busy! :-)

Anyway, they called me. 

I was so fatigued that I could not call them back and I almost talked myself out of it, but then forced myself to call the next day. Oh, my! The woman was so wonderful. She was as kind as could be and made me feel at ease. Although, I saw a picture of my doctor online and I am all freaked out. I never know how I feel about having a woman doctor or a man doctor. I do not want either; could I have a trained chimpanzee? I may feel more comfortable with that. So… it is a male doctor and it freaks me out. I would be freaked out with a woman too – it does not matter.

I am sidetracked. 

I was feeling pretty good with all of this. I handled Daniel’s appointment well on the phone, even when they made a mistake and had to reschedule. I handled my phone calls well, before, during, and after. I felt like everything was settling, until I received the packets in the mail that I have to fill out before each appointment. I opened them up and started reading through them got overwhelmed, started to cry, and laid my head on my desk. I decided to give myself a break and look at them when I am not feeling so overwhelmed. Today I started to feel much better. We have had five days of school that have been pleasant for the most part, lessons completed, and no meltdowns. (Well none that were very long, or incredibly draining.) I was feeling a bit celebratory then; my phone just let me know that I have a message.

My dad is coming in town tonight. 

I think it is only for a day, but I could not call him back. I just cannot. I am drained; the kids are all doing so well. I am afraid any unexpected visits will send the whole system into an uproar. I think we will have to pass this time around. There is such a thing as too much phone skills, right?

Telephobia… Whoop! There it is! Ha ha ha 

 

Click it to see the link…

 

Maybe if I had a steampunk phone I would be able to conquer this anxiety? 

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09/19/12

Wowzers! (I Wrote This Last Night)

There is so much going on around here. I am feeling myself teetering into a sad type of loop. I am trying to steer it into another direction. I am pretty sure it is because I have been doing so much and have not had any breaks or alone time. Well, undisturbed alone time – it continues to be interrupted every time I try. (Oh, I did cave and eat a couple pieces of pizza, maybe the gluten is messing with me.) I am so, so happy about all of the social opportunities for the kids around here though. The kids and I have been going to many different places. I am very happy that the cost is either free or at least reasonable. This keeps me distracted from sad loops… for a little while. :-)

Where we used to live there was nothing for miles, and miles or the cost was outrageous.

I wanted to take the kids to a corn maze for several years, but it would have cost over $60 and it was about 45 minutes away. Just to go through a corn maze and look at some pumpkins! I am not kidding. Here they have a corn maze right down the street at the Native American museum. I would beg my mom and grandma to take me to it practically every day when I was a child. It is named after me. (Not really, but it does have part of my name.) Ha ha ha I have a kinship to the place. Even as a child it was one of those places that made me feel a sense of belonging. Those places are rare for me – places where I have a sense of belonging. Anyway, the museum is not only an awesome place, has a corn maze for the fall, but is only $5 (each) for the museum and the corn maze.

In addition, they get to do a craft and learn about Mississippian culture, love! :-)

The museums around here have several different things going on as well and they are reasonably priced or even free for some events. There is going to be an animal benefit and music festival this weekend. It is affordable as well, if we feel like going. And guess what? I saved the best for last. Yesterday when I went to get my library card, I discovered that they have a Lego group every Tuesday afternoon. Aaaa! I cannot tell you how happy I am about all of this. Joshua lit up with the biggest smile and jumped up and down so excited when I told him. There is also several library branches, real libraries! Oh, my how I have missed the library ever so…

I took all three of them to Lego group today.

They had a fantastic time and so did I. They were asked to come up with their own idea or to use Neil Armstrong as an inspiration. They all three decided to build a house. I am not sure why, but as they built I read them a book about the moon landing. At the end, the leader asked if the kids wanted to share about what they built. All three of them did. They watched and listened to the other kids and we all ood and awed with excitement at the creations. It made me smile to see them get so excited and tell other kids what a great job they did. They were quite the encouragers.

Daniel raised his hand and shared about his house!

He has never done that before. He did not get frustrated or upset when he could not get the words out. He continued to try to say what he meant, I helped him a little to find his words, and he was able to get them out. Not only that, but everyone understood him. For clarification, his language development is delayed, for a long period of time I was the only one who could understand him. In the past year, it has become easier for David, Ariel, and Joshua, my mom, but still I have been the translator. In recent months, he has been able to communicate with people besides us. I think it has helped him gain confidence speaking to his teacher on the phone. Another component is being exposed to several more family members on a regular basis who have been trying to engage communication with him.

I also think that it has helped him being around other children at the park and other places we have been going. 

He was so proud of himself and had no anxiety about it at all. When we got into the car Ariel said, “I normally do not do that. I am supposed to be shy.” I asked her, “Why do you think you are supposed to be shy?” She said, “I usually am so I am supposed to be, but lately I have felt like talking a lot so maybe I am not so much anymore.” I told her that I tend to be shy and talkative a lot of the time. Sometimes I have no words whatsoever and other days they will not stop coming out of my mouth. :-) When we got home, there was a minor meltdown from Joshua, Daniel and then, myself. I think we were all tired from trying to do school. I had to take it a little easy with school today.

 We were all in need of a lighter lesson load today. 

We have been working on their individualized plan tests, as well as their end of unit tests, and regular lessons. I think that is quite a bit. I also am feeling a bit stressed from all of the phone calls I have been making and appointments I have had scheduled. I have scheduled my first appointment with a psychologist to begin my autism spectrum assessment. (Or whatever she feels; I may need to be assessed for. :-) ) She has “over fifteen years experience working with Autistic, Asperger’s Disorder” (adults) that makes me a little hopeful, we’ll see how everything goes.

I may be asking some of you questions be prepared!

My first appointment is set for the middle of October. Daniel starts his round of evaluations for school next Friday. I am also scheduling my doctor’s appointment for an OB/GYN. I cannot wait any longer, something is wrong and I do not know if it serious or not. I tend to forget about my physical ailments and focus on everyone else. However, it is getting to the point to where even I cannot ignore it.  So… I should have that scheduled by tomorrow. Yippie! (I am being sarcastic.)

All right, I had to share those tidbits of awesomeness, just because. Pictures! 

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09/17/12

More Fantabulous Stuff!

We went to kid’s church again Saturday evening. All of them wanted to go, they like it very much. The week before they were given a “respect” plane ticket – it was to be filled out every time they showed respect during the week. Then, it was to be returned the following week. If they were able to have all five lines filled out with respectful things, they were to receive a reward. Of course, I was on top of it.

It was like an assignment and my kids are respectful most of the time.

Since I did serve in children’s ministry for so long I know the efforts that go into coming up with ideas and it makes a difference when the kids participate. There were only five kids who came back with cards – three of them were mine. The pastor told them they could come up on stage and get their reward. (Which was a horrible, not any juice whatsoever, “juice” drink and a bag of chips. Why food? Why people? Can’t we get a little more creative? Sorry.)

Anyway, the point, all three of them went up there!

Without me! Not only did they go up there, but they also stayed. This is huge for all of them. Granted Ariel and Joshua are a bit more daring, they still get a bit anxious when in new environments or in front of large crowds. They did great. They sat in their chairs and listened. They smiled at me and waved. I giggled with giddiness the whole time. However, Daniel started to get too investigative. He almost knocked over their gargantuan airplane prop trying to figure out what it was made from. :-)

My aunt went and got him.

He was a little upset that he had to come down; he wanted to stay up there. One of the guys I spoke with last week listened to me about our gluten-free diet and no sugary types of drinks and such. He was very concerned and went out of his way to find snacks that they all could have and got them bottles of water instead. (Bonus points!)

Daniel did not want to leave during the music.

I was amazed that he made through the pastor talking so long because the pastor was starting to lose me and I was actively listening. He stayed, participated in worship songs, and still wanted to go to class. The class was a bunch of rowdy first and second grade boys. He loved it! He and Joshua played “Heads Up Seven Up” Daniel struggled a little with the rules, but he still wanted to try without me asking him or prompting him to try. He actively watched the other boys and tried to interact with them. In groups like that in the past he would not try to interact. He would find something and distract himself. The other boys have been watching him and they know that he seems different, but are not sure what it is.

I am going to ask if I can explain autism to them at some point. 

I do not want to jump right in yet because we are still checking it out. Daniel could change his mind and it may be too much for him. I do not think he will though, he is really happy about going and his focus is not on the church’s huge air conditioner fans, the stairs, or the structure of the building. (Um, he is still interested in all of those things and we do have to talk about them all week, but he is also interested in the social part.) I want the kids from the class to feel a little more comfortable with me as well before I talk to them. I want to build relationships with them each week. I also want to observe the boys so I know their personalities because that will help me to communicate with them about autism in a better way. As well, as give me ideas to make it a positive thing.

I hate to say it, but I do not want to get my hopes up.

I do think all of this is fantabulous! I am excited about everything. I also know that it may not work out. It could work out for a while and I will be thankful for that. I will keep staying positive. I think before I would get so disappointed because I had the mindset of, “This is it! This will be the thing that works.” Now I am going with the flow. I hope for the best, prepare for the not so good, and keep my mind soaring for new ideas. I find it to be less stressful. I am just so happy that all three of them are enjoying themselves.

It is so great for ALL three of them finally to have a positive experience. 

I have to explain a certain situation that made me uneasy. There was a moment when the pastor held up a big black board type of thing with note cards pinned on it. He said something about how they had the third to fifth graders write on those note cards wrong things that people had done to them and how that made them feel. He then, proceeded to turn it over and low and behold was Jesus face with a bunch of pins poking through it. He said, “Every time we sin we are not only hurting the person we are hurting Jesus.”

I gasped aloud at the horror. 

My eyes were bulging out of my head and I said aloud without realizing it, “Thank God my kids are on stage.” They did not see the full affect of the image with the words. My aunt turned at looked at me asking what I said. I told her, “If my kids would have seen that image along with his words, they would have started to cry. They would think that they are literally putting pins into Jesus face.”

She did not quite understand, when you are in that paradigm it is hard to.

I found it to be ghastly and this is one of the things I have such a problem with, these certain types of religious teachings. However, I will only express that I understand my kids and how it affects them. (And me, I confess it was a trigger moment and I felt like I was a horrible, awful, undeserving to breathe air, type of person for all of the wrongs I have ever done! Only for a moment.) Possibly other kids know how to comprehend such a message, but I am a grown woman and I find it completely disturbing and not suitable for my children.

I did talk to them about it because they did see the image. 

We discussed the message that the pastor was trying to get across. We also discussed how I do not feel that way, Daddy does not feel that way, and I explained how we define sin in our household. Although, I do not use that word as it is taken completely out of context and is filtered through peoples own perspectives and ideas. I am not trying to get into a biblical “sin” debate with anyone. Bottom line, the word sin sends me into trauma based memories and I cannot think in the unhealthy terms that it has been presented to me.

I will make sure that my children will not have that same trauma.

They are still too young and too literal in this area for me to get into deep philosophical conversations about sin. However, they are going to be exposed to the word sin so they need a context of our family beliefs. The church is still a great environment for us to learn how people have different ways of thinking, how to be respectful of different beliefs, and how to find common ground with them.

Other than the issue I mentioned, it was all positive and we enjoyed ourselves. 

P.S. This is day five of the awesome timer, day three of another FANTABULOUS school day! We completed all of our lessons and were still smiling. :-D We even went to the library today. I conquered quite a few of my phone anxieties as as well as being a bit social… tears to come by Wednesday I am sure. (My phone anxiety is not conquered by any means, I feel my heart hurting and a little panicky, but I know that it will pass in a little bit and that helps.) Who cares! I had success today. :-)

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09/16/12

Fantabulous Stuff!

My personal progress has been quite a surprise to me lately. I have managed to learn how to deal with my anxiety issues in ways that are more positive. I honestly never thought it was possible. I have been able to identify some of my emotions, not only sooner, but with more clarity as well. It has helped a great deal for me to pour them into writing. I have been writing my feelings, dissecting conversations, and writing down things that other people say to me immediately if the words do not feel right, or confuse me. I have found that by doing this I am able to make it clear in my mind that their emotions and how they respond to me are not my responsibility.

I do my part at being respectful and try to gain clarification.

Since I started writing it down or stating plainly that I do not understand their frustrations or upset with me, I have been calmer, able to articulate what I need to, and I have not been burdened with unnecessary guilt. I still have my moments, but they do not send me into depressive spirals, fears, shame, guilt, or cause me to carry the emotional burdens of everyone in the world. My brain is finding its calm much sooner and I find myself more accepting of myself. I am happy about this progress.

I am also SO excited and happy about the timer we have been using!

I wrote on Thursday that I was going to try the new timer. I had not thought of it because in the past the timer thing turned into a negative. However, the timers that I used were too distracting and caused ”unpredictable sound” anxiety. Even if Daniel knows what kind of sound something makes, such as the dryer buzzer, other timers, or the oven timer he is full of anxiety until it goes off.

He will ask all sorts of questions.

Many that sound like this, “When is it going to go off? What will it sound like? Why does it sound that way? Why does it have to make a sound? Why is it ticking? How long is 10 minutes?” Then, he will ask several questions after it does go off with always adding, “Mom can you not do that?” Therefore, I had no hope in ever using a timer. However, there seems to be one that works!

 

It is the Learning Resources Time Tracker Mini.

This one is working because you can control the sound. Daniel likes the lights and he likes that we can place it on a time limit warning, that blinks yellow. He is able to predict a little better how much time he has left. I am allowing him to be in control of the timer. He has set the times for his lessons. He sets each lesson for ten minutes and what he has learned is that ten minutes is not enough. Amazingly, he has decided each time to add additional ten minutes when he has not completed his lesson.

He completed all of his lessons Thursday and Friday.

He asked for his timer and requested it to do his lessons. I have been able to do Ariel and Daniel’s core lessons together, which has not gone smoothly at all since we started. I was able to leave Ariel and Daniel to complete several of their lessons while working with Joshua individually on some of his. It has been fantastic! Daniel and Ariel both reviewed spelling words, and went over some of their curriculum on Friday with their teacher. I spoke to her about their individualized plans as well.

All of us were on the phone for quite awhile.

I was also on the phone setting up Daniel’s evaluations for his IEP. I need to add here that it is very distracting and can be upsetting to Daniel if I am on the phone at times. It was amazing that with everything going on and all that he accomplished on Thursday then, talking on the phone with his teacher, he was still ready and happy to do school. He read an entire page of his story for a language arts assessment that was recorded. He has refused to try to read most of the time, but has been completely unbudging when I have asked him to try to read and record himself.

I was shocked that he actually did it.

He also attempted to copy three sentences from his writing lesson on his own. I told him he had to do his writing lesson; he set his timer, and said, “Ok, now I will do my writing lesson.” He was a little upset when he ran out of room, but I explained to him that happens to me all the time and to other people too. I told him it was ok, still he almost quit. I said, “Daniel you still have this page to finish. Will you come finish it?” He was reluctant, but asked for a shower after school so I said he could have a ten-minute shower after he completed all of his lessons.

He agreed, reset his timer, and completed it along with the rest of his lessons too.

Showers or baths have been a huge issue. He normally wants to takes showers or baths for hours upon hours. It has caused meltdowns in the past. He has NEVER agreed to get out within 10 minutes. Not only did he agree, but also he did it. He has continued to do it every day. Yay! He asks to get his timer, he sets it, turns the shower on himself, and gets out on his own. I normally have to turn on the shower, turn off the shower, get him out, dry him off, etc…

Ariel and Joshua were not feeling overwhelmed the last several days.

They were happy to have so much of my attention individually. I really hope this continues to work. Daniel is quite fickle. This is working magically today, but who knows what will happen by Monday. I want to stay hopeful and I will. I will also be prepared if it does not work at some point. At least, we had two wonderful fun packed school days full of amazing progress! He has been telling me that he is happy to do school now because he has his timer. He also informed me that he is a big boy who can do many things on his own. Such as, “Get my timer and set it. Put on my own clothes. Do my school work.”  All of this is awesome, but there is more! (For tomorrow.) We also went to kids church last night, but we had a nice people/school free day today.

He is still doing well and has not become overloaded, I hope he is still enthused tomorrow. :-)  

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09/15/12

Nonsense From My Brian

I am in a certain loop that is new in some ways and old in other ways. I find it annoying at times because my brain feels like it is on pause and I am stuck on a scene in my life taking in every detail possible and analyzing it. Once I feel satisfied that I have achieved the emotional feelings and properly consumed every detail right down to a person’s teeth, I move to another scene. I think it has something to do with this month, and current events that are taking place.

I am not negative looping. 

The weather is making me feel a little sad, but happy at the same time. I do not know I am in limbo of something and nothing at the same time. The feel of winter does this to me. I do enjoy the seasons and the changing weather. I want to see snow again, and watch my kid’s reactions when they get to experience it. I do not know what I am feeling… or even why I am writing I just feel that I need to so I can gain the ability to go to Wal-Mart this morning! I have been reading at night, however, I have also found myself putting on annoying shows for background noise.

I need it. 

Ironically, I am reading a book on mindfulness. Ha ha ha I leave on whatever as long as it is not too bothersome. I am alone so I do not have to worry about it too much. I am not in the mood for movies, or documentaries. Everything feels stale. I have found myself quite distracted by commercials. Commercials do not make me want to buy anything, they confuse and irritate me, but for some reason when I am in this time of loop I get fixated on them. I used to drive my mom batty with commercials. I would stand right in front of the TV and watch them. I would not move and I HAD to watch them. She would tell me to come here, or ask me to do something while a commercial was on and I would not hear her, or I would not budge. It was as if I was sucked into some marketing black hole and could not escape for about four to six minutes.

I had to watch the commercials! 

Then, came the millions of questions that inevitably drove her to complete irritation, usually ending with, “It is just a commercial!” Just so everyone knows that is not an answer and it only leads to more questions. “Just a commercial, what does that mean?” As I grew older and infomercials started to swallow the airwaves, I would be sucked into them as well. I would watch them wondering if the product could really do that. Who are all of those people and why are they there? How did they hear about this product? Why are they acting so enthused as if it is the best thing in the world? Why would anyone want to use a knife to cut a soda can and then, a tomato?

I did fall into a few infomercials. 

I remember one sold me because it was a product that was supposed to cover up birthmarks. It was gross, thick, smelly, and did not cover my birthmark. I did buy a set of Barbie’s from an infomercial. I think that is it though. I normally had this feeling that somehow they were not telling me the truth. I would then, sit and watch them over and over again trying to figure out why I felt that way. I would question myself and think, “Well if so many people are buying it maybe I am wrong.” I used to watch workout video infomercials religiously. My dad’s side of the family tends to fall for infomercials, so I have received several workout videos after they grow tired of them. Hee hee

Ok, so back to commercials from recent days. 

I have been utterly confused by food being used in such sensual ways. My mind cannot grasp why someone would act as if a piece of chocolate is like a love partner. Who eats potato chips to Barry White and practically has a “moment” on the sidewalk? Why are these ladies eating ice creams bar so aggressively, and why do I fear that they are going to leap out of the TV and eat me?!! Who eats a granola bar like that especially, if it is coated in “yogurt flavor”? My gosh! What is yogurt flavor? EW! Does someone really imagine themselves covered in brown satin when eating a piece of chocolate?

Why are these women giving me googly eyes when taking a bite out of a peppermint patty? 

NO! No, I do not want to see any two people eating a noodle and then, ending the long wet flimsy strand into an open mouth kiss! Gross! And why, please tell me why bantering over Greek yogurt and pounding a guy in the head with yours would make me want to go eat it? Who is prompted to go buy this stuff after watching these commercials? I know I should not waste so much energy on all of this, but seriously, these things are confusing. They feel demeaning and as if everyone is a complete idiot who has to have sensuality wrapped around everything in order to buy it. Or the food has to explode, talk, have strange occurrences happen, relationships failing, as well as the promotion of “all natural” when no one is quite sure what the definition of that is.

I can think of many things that are all natural that I do not want in my food. Just sayin’. 

Next tangent, OMG! $30,000 on a wedding? Wait, $150,000 on a wedding? Seriously, people spend even more than that on a wedding? You only have a 50/50 chance that you will make it and you are going to start it off already in debt? Oh, I see some of them have parents going into debt for the wedding. (Wrong in so many ways.) Huh? $5000 for a wedding dress? $10,000 for a wedding dress? Who has this kind of money? Geez, I do not even know how to process that. It is quite clear that I am a sheltered girl. :-)  I will not even go into the commercials that continually tell us that we must not grow old. Heaven forbid I have a wrinkle or gray hairs!  As well as how all of us MUST lose weight, even if you are 100 pounds and 5’4 you still could stand to lose a few, WHAT?

So everyone must be a size 2 until they get to size 2, at that point you need to aim for size 0, m’kay. 

Why are so many of the commercials telling women how they must look, dress, and keep themselves up? Although, there many more coming up geared toward the primping male. Good grief, just pluck your eyebrows and shave you will be fine. Lol! Of course, you don’t want to stink so wear some deodorant. Maybe I am preparing myself to go into Wal-Mart much more than I thought. I do find myself reading the labels of products that I saw on commercials, but I already enjoy stopping and reading labels. It only gives it a little more umph when I have seen the product advertised and I can debunk the claims in my head, or find new ingredients to go home and research. Did I just admit that on the internet? Oh, yes I did.

Does that qualify for nerditude?

Oh, well I think I feel better I got some of my commercial rant out. You know, maybe other people have deep love and adoration for chocolate in the same way I do for computers, trees, water, music, books, la la la. However, you will never see me actually act all intimate like with any of those things. :-)  I do believe I will be dancing in the aisles today.

I am feeling pretty, and witty, and briiiiiight! (Yes, I did sing that.)

Look at me I managed to write over a 1000 words of nonsense. It is good to get the gibberish out of my head. I am off to gather my music and go into the cesspool of advertising, flickering lights that make my brain hurt, smells that cause my nose to curl, cold that makes my body wheeze, and a sea of people who will get into my space and say, “Hi” when all I want to do is pretend that they are not there. Fun, fun, fun! (I just made myself laugh really hard and I have no idea why.)

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09/13/12

Oh! That’s What’s Wrong…

Yesterday became an overwhelming mess. It started going smoothly, Daniel was all geared up for doing school, but he had it in his mind that after one lesson we would all be done and go to the pet store. Um, no. He struggles very much with time, and gets frustrated because I am unable to give him a specific length of time for each lesson. I am changing that today. We got a timer that I will be using for each lesson now. I made that decision just now. Ha ha ha I had not thought of it until this moment. I will set it and once it lights up, that is it whether we are finished or not.

Back to yesterday.

This moment of frustration caused a morning of derailment. I was awaiting a phone call from Joshua’s teacher to go over his individual learning style and missed the call. That sent me into an anxiety ridden feeling because we then had to reschedule. (Remember I do have phone anxiety, even though it is getting better – it in not gone!) I called her back and emailed her. I was now completely derailed and frustrated – my perfect day that I had planned in my head was ruined. :-/ Thankfully, she called back right away and we were able to go over everything. Good news, Joshua is already improving. Yay!

Let’s see if I can make this quick.

I am trying to bring peace to my mind and writing all of this out will help. Daniel and Ariel had a writing assignment that was due on Monday. I have been working with Ariel since last Friday trying to help her write her thoughts on paper and come up with her own sentences. Daniel refused and refused, I told him that it had to be done, and I needed him to at least try.  Finally, on Tuesday I came up with the pet store as an incentive. Still yesterday, was just awful. I have no other words for it. He wrote one sentence and then, lost it. I know that it took a lot for him, but I also know that he flat out did not want to do it and tried to upset all of us and our schooling for the day. I was so frustrated because it affected Ariel and Joshua until they were so overwhelmed that they could not do school.

Though they tried very hard and pressed through completing their lessons after a break.

I helped Daniel as much as possible, but I knew that he was not having an uncontrollable meltdown. In a way, it was good. He was using tactics that other children use at a much younger age. He would get upset and then, stop to see if I was looking. I would tell him that he needed to stop because Ariel and Joshua needed quiet and calm to concentrate for school. He would get really loud, and then look at me to see what I was going to do. I ignored the behavior at that point. I was too tired and at my wits end. After, about half an hour he just stopped and said, “Ok, I want to finish my sentences now.” He wrote a couple more, but was unable to do the whole assignment.

So that was all good.

Except the rest of us were drained of energy. We were able to bounce back. :-) We got the lessons completed and headed off to the pet store. We ended up going to two different ones. I was so sad at the exotic pet store. It smelled horrible, the cages were filthy, the animals looked sad, and I swear all of them were talking to me. I wish I could save them all. I may call someone about that place. The poor birds are living in cages coated in bird poo, and rust. Aaack! I am going to cry. Focus. We went to Petsmart too, and it was a huge difference in cleanliness and smell. Although, I do not think those animals are happy either. I REALLY want a bearded dragon!

Oops. Focus.

While we were over looking at the cats, the woman handling the paperwork for the shelter was there with her two kids. She was ignoring the kids who were about the same age as mine. Her little girl went in and tried to get a cat out of a pet caddy, her brother came in and hit her, and the mom went in and started yelling at the girl in a very harsh manner. She then, yanked the boy by his arm, forcing him to sit down on some ladder thing and then told him not to move. (In a very aggressive tone.) I stood there in shock. I looked at my guys and could tell that Joshua was very upset. Ariel had a poker face, but I was not sure if Daniel had heard or seen anything.

I did not want to leave those kids.

I stood there for a few minutes to make sure those kids were safe, and then walked away with my kids. When we got to a place that was quiet and away, I talked to them about it. Joshua was almost in tears saying, “I saw the brother hit his sister and the mom yelled at them meanly.” We discussed how some parents are different and handle things in ways that we do not. I asked Ariel if she was upset, she did not want to talk about it, but said, “Yes, it upset me. Can we please go look at the frogs again? I want a fire belly frog!” Daniel was too focused on something else.

I saw them again in the parking lot.

I was taking some pictures of clouds before we headed home. The mom was yelling at them while on the phone and I watched her push the kids in the car. I did not know what to do. I questioned whether I was overly sensitive. I did not feel any immediate danger, but pure meanness. (I lost my words, I think it was because of everything that happened earlier and not knowing what to say as well.) It seemed as if the mom had no filter, normally people have some sort of filter in public. If that was her filtered, I worry for those kids. I am still upset about that and it made me ponder over my behavior lately. I asked the kids if I have been grumpy or mean lately. They said that I was grumpy sometimes. :-)  I have felt so irritable and cranky the last few days. A couple of hours can feel like years so I never know how long I am actually acting or feeling a certain way.

If it is more than a day, I think that it has been at least several months.

No sense of time. I have been cranky this week. I figured out what it is. I have been socializing, and going out since last Wednesday. I have either been on the phone everyday or taking the kids places. I talked to my other aunt on the phone who I have not spoken with since the going away party for my cousin. She is having a baby shower for my other cousin in a month. Another social event. I have been on the phone with both of the kids teachers. Today they start their individualized testing for math and reading to help gear their learning plans toward their specific needs. All three of them have online classes today. Daniel has two reading classes, which he has already stated he is only doing one.

We will see.

They need to continue the regular lesson plan. In addition, they must be in attendance tomorrow and have all of their assignments completed. Now, I cannot recall at the moment, but I think we have some time with the tests. I will look in a moment. The issue is not that. The issue is this is a lot of things for my brain to process. As well as take care of the house, answer text/voice mail messages, prepare meals, snacks, prepare lessons, work on specific reading needs for Joshua and Daniel, try to help all three of them with dysgraphia, and be a mom helping their needs. Trying to keep peace in the household, etc… I am not saying that I have more than other mothers do, no; not at all, what I am saying is my brain is full.

I am rather tired.

I did not know why I was feeling irritable and tired when I have been getting enough sleep. Maybe other mom’s can handle all of this stuff with ease, but this mom… well I cannot and I admit it.  Coming full circle here, the title is wrong. My mind had the negative thinking pattern that something is wrong with me. I am not good enough. I should be able to do all of this and not get tired or irritable. Other mothers do this and even have more! What is wrong with me? There is nothing wrong me; I am accepting that I have limitations. I am reminding myself because I so easily forget.

My limitations are ok to admit, feel, and confess it does not mean that I am weak or incapable. (I am human.)

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