I tend to forget my own similar patterns that I share with Daniel. One of them being that when I am undergoing developmental progress I am overwhelmed, prone to meltdowns/shutdowns, and have intense emotions. My mind will begin to flood with insecurities, anxieties, and negative loops. I have been going through some serious mental transformations. It has been hard, and will continue to be hard. I have managed to be in control of many of my negative thoughts the past two weeks. The other evening I was able to wade through another one that was triggered by a dream.
My mind could not separate dream from reality.
I do know that dreams are a means for the mind to process. Some believe that they are highly spiritual. I do not know either way. I do know my reasons for getting so upset about dreams – I have had many dreams become a reality. I have had them and days, weeks, months, or years later, they transpired. Some not in the exact ways as my dream, reality is never as colorful as my dream state. It causes me concern when I do have dreams that are directly related to me, and my fears/anxieties.
However, instead of feeding my brain upon negative thoughts I looked at it with rational eyes.
The reality is I have no control over another person. I cannot control how they will treat me, react to me, or communicate with me. I only have control over myself, how I will respond to them. I have control over how I respond to my painful thoughts, fears, and ultimately fear of someone I care about leaving me without a word. Let me say here that at first I was negative looping without realizing it and the loop was spilling over into all relationships. This triggered a downward spiral of worthlessness, purposelessness, feeling invisible, and as if; I did not matter in this world. This comes from a lack of self-worth and has nothing to do with any other person. My stressors can come from not only dreams, but also how people act on facebook, or through other social means.
I see now that I personalize everything.
I had known this on the surface and have been trying to process through it. It was not until last night that I actually “got” it – thanks to Inner Aspie. She sent me a few videos, as well as sharing some other things on her facebook page that led me into another process of healing. I have been working through rational/irrational thoughts and deciphering my stressors. I have also been evaluating things in my life that affect me having a healthy mindset. I realized that I am like a dog returning to its own vomit when it comes to my personal facebook page, or expecting people to put in as much as I do.
I realized that I am tired of feeling like a constant failure.
I am tired of thinking that if I give enough, love enough, do enough that one day… ONE DAY they will notice and love me back. Who are they? I am not sure anymore. I have managed to morph all into they. I am tired of reaching out to people who are emotionally unavailable. I am tired of being emotionally unavailable because of my own pain and fears. This has been and is an incredibly painful experience. I know that it will continue to be as I continue to reprogram my mind, evaluate my relationships, and determine what I want to make me happy. It feels like my heart is ripping out of my chest at the very thought of my own happiness. I show classic signs of codependency – now that I understand what it means.
It makes sense.
I was groomed for it, I had it solidified with each relationship that I have had. (All types of relationships.) I also have this strong desire to be independent. It is a cycle that I have gone through since childhood. I felt an injustice in my life and I wanted to take control over my own life, but I couldn’t. As independent as I have always been I seem to find myself stuck ending up completely dependent upon someone. It has happened time and time again. Whether I have felt that I was financially reliant, emotional reliant, or even spiritually reliant. I would find myself desperately longing to be set free, but would stay because I felt like my purpose in life was to support them, or keep them happy.
I would stay in any type of relationship because of guilt.
I would feel like a horrible person once I realized that it was not going to work. I have always taken on all of the blame, even with abusive relationships. I have destroyed myself with words for years. I have asked myself time and time again questions like, “Why can’t I just be good? Why can’t I just make them happy? Why can’t I just make this right? Why am I so broken?” I see that I am not the only one who is broken. I have taken all of the blame, guilt, and shame for all of the relationships that have ended. I also see that the reason for this is because I have been the only one who was honest enough to admit it. I have been the only one who could not live with themselves in an unhealthy relationship, for both parties. In order to deal with the pain, and feeling like such a destroyer of all that is good in the world I have used my escapes. My addictions have been anything from alcohol to working out.
I have bounced from one addiction to another.
I had my eyes opened to becoming addicted to serving, pleasing, and worshiping God last year. Not in a healthy way, in a way to escape. Religion was an escape and I thought an easy way to know right from wrong. It was not easy and has made it even more confusing for me. I have noticed that I started doing the same thing with science, technology, music, blogs, and people. I have slowly been changing these patterns to help me have a more balanced appreciation for things that I am interested in. I do not want to escape anymore. I want to know what I want. I want to know what really makes me happy without it being obsessive and my emotions dependent upon them.
I am finding a new freedom and making some very painful decisions.
It makes me angry that I am almost 40 years old and I dealing with this stuff. I am angry that I have spent so much time on people who do not give me the same respect. It makes me angry that I have continued to fall into relationships that are unhealthy and codependent as well. Not slightly codependent - I am referring to unhealthy relationships where my emotions or their emotions rule the relationship. I am angry with myself that I have wasted so much time trying to escape from my reality instead of facing it head on. Although, I do know that it takes a while for me to discern reality.
My anger is only for a short time.
I am feeling more of a sense of empowerment at the moment. The last two weeks I have taken control over my thoughts and my actions. I have not allowed myself to escape into my internet world. It has helped that I have been rather exhausted, but now that I take it all in I see that I needed to get exhausted. I needed to get to the bottom. These two weeks have been some of the hardest ones I have had to go through. I am thankful that I did because it opened my eyes to seeing that I am fully capable without seeking the approval of others. I know that I will still have stressors. I know that I will still have deep inner pain and feel like my heart is hanging outside of my body in tiny pieces.
That is all right, it gives me good stories.
I have no idea what tomorrow is going to look like. Frankly, I am tired of trying to guess. I want to enjoy the rest of the time I have on this planet. I do not want to waste it on things that will not set me on a healthy path. I want to be present in my life. I do not want to wake up one day and wonder where it all went. I want to support people who have the same goals in life. I want people who are going to support me. I do not want to feel alone surrounded by people anymore.
In order for that to happen, I am going to transition my thoughts into being alone in a healthy way.
I will not seclude myself out of fear, or anxiety anymore. (Though this is a terrifying thought.) I will go into solitude because I need it not because I am trying to escape. I will not spend my time worrying about people that I may lose who barely even think of me. I am going to write out a list of things that make me happy. Quite honestly, I find that to be one of the most challenging things in the world. I want to know real things about myself. If I took all of my fears, worries, and self-made hindrances away, what person would exist? What do I look like without all of that fear, guilt, shame, and shadow that has been lingering about that is not even my shape? What do I like about myself? If I could do anything in the world, what would it be? These types of questions are very difficult. I avoid them at all costs. They make me feel afraid. That is my reality. I am afraid to voice my wants, desires, needs, and likes. I need to push passed my token (surface) answers that I have always given. I need to discover this stuff out before I can define what love means to me.
This is a huge reality check and I am going to be making more changes in my thinking patterns.