Barbie Meltdown: Pain wrenching feeling as if your heart is ripping out with some phantom pain, packed with tears, irrational thoughts, rage, and fears.
This is what happens to one, who was a Barbie collector, when she does not know how to process her emotions, has had entirely too much social interaction with no downtime, is still not on a regular schedule, children having meltdowns with a side of constant bickering between two whose bickering spirals another child that has no clue about sibling bickering into an emotional frenzy, as well as one who used to be a Barbie collector – receiving three boxes of her Barbie collection only to discover that they are not her cherished LOVED and ADORED prized possessions such as her Bob Mackie, Eliza Doolittle, Holiday Barbie, or 1950′s remake collections.
Yes, I admit I had a meltdown over Barbie’s – please do not judge.
I am wholeheartedly (sort of) embarrassed by this, but I feel like my behavior is one that could help others understand. I will start with social stuff. My sister and my niece were in town last week and they visited with us. I have not been able to get the kids and me on a schedule at all. They are going to bed much later than they used to and I am having problems going to sleep. As a matter-of-fact, I do not want to! I am getting very frustrated with having Daniel so dependent on me to go to bed. I do not want to go to bed at 9 o’clock at night and I do not like the fact that he is refusing to go to bed unless I go to bed with him.
Last night I refused and made him go to bed without me.
Again, please do not judge (at least, too harshly) no one knows what it is like in someone else’s home and I am well aware that Daniel is 7 years old. However, if he does not sleep and I do not sleep it is not good for anyone. He was so socially exhausted from yesterday that he fell asleep, and was very proud this morning saying, “Hey, mom I went to bed all by myself and I went to sleep.” Progress. Although, he is refusing to get into the car even after I found him some motion sickness medicine that he could take. He is afraid to take it and has informed me that he is never getting into a car again.
My sister, step mom, and two nieces came in town on Monday.
They “popped” by when they got into town, they had forewarned me that they were coming into town. There was no time given. They said that they tried to call, but I did not answer. I was giving the kids their baths. I did prepare the kids by saying that they may come by. The anticipation of not knowing when or if was causing all of us to be unsettled. My step mom had not seen us in about 4 years, I believe, so I really wanted to see her, and my other niece I had not seen in five years. I was happy to see them. To my surprise my step mom brought my Barbies.
I had a huge Barbie collection, when I moved to the West about 9 years ago… I think, I gave away some of my Barbie’s to my sisters. My youngest I gave the majority of them to. (It was my way of trying to stay connected.) She did not want them, and has voiced her “dislike” toward them rather strongly, according to my dad. I did not understand at the time her utter dislike for them, so they sat in my dad’s garage all of these years. A few years ago dad asked me if I wanted them for Ariel. I decided that I would take them back even though Ariel showed no interest in Barbie. We were never able to send money to get them and dad never got the funds either. When it was final that we were moving here, the plan would be for them to bring them on one of their visits. (They visit here often.)
SO my step mom brought them for me.
I did not remember how many, or which ones I had until I opened the boxes this morning and pulled them out. As I did, my memory flooded and I started to get excited. I did not collect Barbie’s because of the typical reasons. I collected the dolls from different eras, or Eliza Doolittle because I love Audrey Hepburn or Sugarplum Fairy because of my obsession with The Nutcracker as a child. All of them had specific memories attached. I attached positive memories to my Barbies. I kept them all in their boxes neatly lined up on shelves in the second bedroom of my apartments.
It was my quiet place.
They were neat and orderly, set perfectly just like my books. I collected black-and-white cows too and if they came in a box, I did not take them out. Friends and family would give many of my objects of collections to me. This would tag additional happy memories for me. As I pulled out the Barbies, I realized how many were not there. I could not even enjoy the ones I had. I felt sick, sad, hurt, as if something had been taken from me. I was fighting these feelings because Ariel actually liked them. She really liked the Barbies I had, she said, “These look different from other ones I have seen. I like these.”
When she sat on the floor looking at them she said, “I want to give these to my daughter.”
It struck me that those are all I have to give, I have books and Barbie to hand down. That is it. The collecting of Barbies started because one Christmas my mom had no money at all to get me presents. (I am not sure if I have shared the fullness of this story, sorry if it is a repeat.) The personnel manager at the store she worked at discovered that we had no money for gifts. She gave my mom money and refused my mom’s attempts to decline. My mom took the money and being the crafty one she is, she went to a thrift store and bought all of their Barbie dolls. She cleaned them up and took her scrap fabrics from the clothes she made us, and made boxes full of Barbie clothes for my dolls.
Christmas morning when I came out the tree had Barbies hanging all over it.
She had also wrapped several of them with the clothes and it was one of the best Christmas mornings I ever had. I did not know the story until I was much older – I thought Santa Claus did it. Santa Claus…Urg! My collecting of Barbies is connected to that memory. My Barbies have been much more than merely liking them. After discovering my childhood home being gone the other day, then not having the dolls that I love, triggered some deep pains. They are the most important ones because my mom was the one who gave me a Holiday Barbie every year for the longest time. The old movie and fashion ones are reminders of my mom.
The happy memories of my mom.
They trigger good things when I am triggered by bad memories. I would have been better off never seeing any of them. I freaked out this morning without full knowledge of what I am sharing now. This post is helping me process. I wrote a text message to my step mom asking if she knew where they were, but I knew I sounded frantic. I am not sure how I would have responded in the past, but this time I caught myself. I realized that I was experiencing some intense emotions from the past few days. I had been on the phone with my mom’s friend who is going to see her this weekend, my grandma called, my mom called, (I could not talk) my sister and nieces came over yesterday and were here for several hours.
I was cranky and unfiltered saying whatever flew out of my mouth.
This morning I woke up feeling sick, tired, and anxiety about my conversations yesterday. I cannot remember anything I said! When I am like that, I can say some pretty nutty things! Then, I had to go to Wal-Mart last night. I wore my headphones listened to my music and danced thinking happy thoughts. I also bought some soft zebra print shorts to make me feel better. I have been wearing them and my cog-like furry boots all day. Hee hee
I was able to stop myself from sending the text.
I thought to myself, “Angel, she is taking her mother to the doctor; you need to put things into perspective.” Barbie freak out (meltdown) needed to stop. I have still been looping about it all day and feeling heartbroken. I was not sure why until I put all of the pieces together. Daniel is having a hard time and that takes a lot out of me too. I am still unpacking and organizing/cleaning. That helps me feel better though. I will wait and ask if my step mom knows where the other dolls are. I hope they still have them for Ariel she will really like them. They are very cool dolls. If they are gone, I wish I could have had a proper good-bye. I have been under the impression that they were all in the garage. I opened up some of the dolls for Ariel, like the teacher Barbie and some other ones. We took them out of the box!!
She has been playing with them all day.
The prince in Beauty and The Beast arrested teacher Barbie because she was doing black magic and making all the other Barbies crazy. (Mean crazy) Apparently, if you are going to do black magic you are not allowed to make people go crazy. I asked her what she thought black magic was she said it is when you use it in the wrong way, but it can be turned good with red magic. She said that she made up black magic and she has never heard of it. Funny. I will have to have her create her own book of definitions so we know what different types of magic there are.
My aunt called me and asked how I was doing.
I felt all right talking to her and my grandma today, but still that is a lot of talking. I was happy to see my family, I want to see them, but it has taken so much out of me. I cannot stand it when my brain is like this it gets stuck and loses its creative flow. I am being hit with other emotions too. I lost my one friend I had where we used to live. I emailed her before we left; I tried to get in contact with her. I wanted to see her on many occasions, but she started a new job and I had so much going on. I hate when people just stop. I forget that they move on while I think everything is fine and dandy. I think we will just pick up right where we left off. My brain goes on pause, and they have grown out of me. I do not give them enough attention, I give them too much attention, I do not know what I do… I cannot seem to keep friends.
I hate it sometimes.
I wish they would just tell me instead of leaving me hanging. I will not pick up the social cues. I will not understand. I get hurt, devastated, confused, and then loop about what I did wrong. It is not because I want to! Gosh! Just tell me you are done so I can move on. Such a flux of thoughts going on here. I am afraid I do not have a filter so who knows if I am making any sense. My point? If someone has a major meltdown, or shutdown that seems completely idiotic to you, try to consider all of the things wrapped up into that silly eruption of emotions. I guarantee the surface of the meltdown is only scraping the multitudes of what is really going on.
Ending on a happy note pictures!!!
Oh, but really quick. I thought about the self-image thing and Barbie. As for me I never thought about comparing myself to Barbie, or thinking that I wanted to look like her. It never occurred to me to think that way until others brought that up. My thoughts were she is a doll, why would I want to look like a doll. I never compared myself to a baby doll. However, I do not know if there are subliminal messages that tapped into my brain somewhere and made me feel like I should look like her. Who knows! There are all kinds of things going on in my brain that I am unaware of.