As I got to the bottom of this post I realized that I should give a little disclaimer that this IS a processing post. I know the title indicates as such, but I am unable to determine how negative this post is coming across in the first portion. I managed to work out my negative and irrational emotions so… You can smile at me and roll your eyes at times if need be.
Now to the initial post.
I honestly do not want to write this out, but I feel like I must. When I write out my thoughts and publish, they become real, and I am more capable of processing them. There are nuggets in the Bible that I do cling to and firmly believe are true. One of the scriptures that comes to mind whenever I want to keep my pains secret is, James 5:16”Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.” While my interpretation has never grasped the concept of sin – what is considered sin? My sin is your sin, or your sin is my sin? We can lead ourselves straight into condemning judgments that are formed from our own ideals and perceptions based on our upbringing, religions, interpretations, and environments, etc…
Forgive me, my brain is trying to evade my fears.
The scripture itself of confessing (sharing) with each other those things that we keep hidden deep inside because of many fears, possible shame, or guilt can come out and be exposed and dealt with. (Bring healing) In my experience, the longer I keep quiet about something the bigger it grows into unmanageable fears, and anxieties. So today, I share with you my fear. I have been holding onto this fear for years. I have had to bury it deep inside so that I did not worry, or get ridden with panic.
I have not been to a doctor in years.
I have not seen an OB/ GYN since after Joshua was born, over six years. I have had woman problems always. I have a high tolerance for pain so I tend to not notice until a cyst ruptures, or my body forces me to shutdown. It has not been on a regular basis like it was when I was younger. I have not had any problems with my endometriosis since the children were born. I knew that those two things were quite painful because it would cause me to be unable to walk, or the cramping and back pain would bring me to tears. It takes a lot of pain to make me cry. That was how I gauged how much pain I was in.
Most of the time I did not let it stop me.
Since I have not had this type of pain, I feel great. However, my body has been showing symptoms of some possible serious issues. It has been for several years now, but we have not had insurance and I have placed my well-being on the back burner focusing on the kids. I forced myself to not think about what my body was telling me so I could continue to focus on everyone, and everything else. I cannot do that any longer. In October, my body started to show signs of me needing to see a doctor. At first, I thought it was premenopausal types of things, and it still very well could be, but I do not know.
Other factors indicate that may not be the case.
I am not having many of the symptoms listed as regular premenopausal symptoms that are indicated. Who knows my body is irregular compared to the “norm.” I would feel comfortable with it being that if I were experiencing those symptoms, but I have had several other types of symptoms for the last few years. I have raised my concerns that I need to see a doctor, but we did not have the funds, or life did not allow. Today I discovered that we could not afford to have insurance for me. I will not be covered, and all of my fears came to a smashing eruption. Throughout these years, I have voiced my concerns if there is something wrong with me that we need to prepare for the kids to be taken care of. I do this all the time though – I have done this since I was a child.
I have always needed to know that everyone would be taken care of if I were gone.
I needed to know that they would be fine if I left this earth. Today though, I was struck with the reality of if something is seriously wrong with me, and we have waited all of this time that I really need to prepare for the worst. Keep in mind that I do have a tendency to be a hypochondriac at times – it is one of my loops. However, I have studied in depth my symptoms – my family has a history of the possible diagnosis. Although, it can be easily handled IF found in the early stages. I do hope I have not waited too long, but there is nothing I can do. I will be going to get a test done without insurance and go from there.
I have become accustomed to not concern myself if something is wrong with my body.
It has been more of a nuisance if I was in pain, or my body shutdown that I wanted to go away, so I could do what I wanted. Now I have three little ones depending on me. I had been so wrapped up in daily life and handling issues in the moment that it was easy to push down any cautions I heard, or felt in my body. I can become numb to pain, or trump it because someone needs me. I can live with pain and ignore it when things need to be done. Around January, I really started to get concerned, and then by June I knew that I must see a doctor.
We had planned to get me covered so I could go right away.
To discover that it was not going to happen exploded all of my fears, and worries. My gut tells me that I will be fine – it could be any sort of woman issue that spawns itself throughout the females in my family. It is just overwhelming to not be able to afford insurance, while we are considered to make enough to do so. I am thankful that the kids are covered. I do not know how many people are living like this it seems like a lot. I do not know how people afford insurance coverage. There are those who make too much to get help, but then too little to be covered. I just do not know – it is disheartening.
I suppose much of this has to do with other things as well.
As I write this, I am seeing how my brain is looping on the possible negative outcome that has not even been determined. There is no reason to fret about something I do not even know. There are too many other things to be happy about and to ponder upon. I have had several things that seemed to be bad situations turn into positives this past week and I will think on those. I watched this video TEDxSF – Mel Robbins – F— YOU – How To Stop Screwing Yourself Over the other night. (The “F-Word” she is referring to is FINE.) Give it a watch maybe it will motivate some people and hopefully realize the importance of your existence at this moment in time. (Though, I do really need my routines, but I will say it is good to examine them and explore change.)
I did do what she spoke about and expressed that I was not fine.
When I started this post I was feeling rather defeated, but now I am not. There is no need to worry about something that could be. Overall, I feel strong and healthy and I will soak that in. I will get creative in my ways to see a doctor, after my results, if I must. I shared a video on one of my other blogs that I cannot shake. It moved me, it swelled in me, it made our world a reality to me, and it keeps swimming in my head squelching my negative thoughts. I will share it here too because it is indescribably perfect.
I leave with a jolly heart full of gratitude, and fully mindful of my thoughts – as good.