I knew there was going to be a lot of transitioning for everyone around here. I mentally kept scripts soaring around my head about change. Change is good. Change is ok. Change is exciting. This change is for the best. I scripted this to the kids. I did everything I could think of to prepare us for all of the changes that were to take place – there are several more big changes down the road, but we need to take this large chunk first.
On a personal note, I am very pleased with my renewed abilities to handle transitioning.
I had been isolated from people for so long that I did lose my ability to socialize without anxieties causing me to halt, meltdown, and loop for months in confusion, or get angry. However, I see the good side in my years and years of isolation and limited physical people contact. (I do not recommend it though, at least not the length of time that I was in a cave.) I have been able to evaluate who I am without anyone telling me what, or how I should do it. In David’s attempts to help me in the past, I took his words as what I should be doing. Since, he had been my major source of human communication I took his words as gospel. (Religious circles made me feel like that was the right thing to do.)
My mind can do that when I am full of anxiety, fear, social confusion, etc…
He admittedly has issues with people. He can see the negative in everything (anyone); I am on the other end of the spectrum and can see the positive in anyone. I will add that many times David does not think he is being negative, quite possibly he is not, but I cannot tell the difference. Through the years, I would hear him being critical about many things and the way my mind works I would automatically hear those criticisms and feel like I too must not measure up. I soak in negative words, thoughts, feelings from others and the longer I am around it the more it starts to eat at me.
I think in a way it hurts me so terribly to hear these things about others that I have to direct it onto myself.
My mom at times can be like this as well, along with many of my family members. We are all rather cynical. I am hurt though when these things are said, even if I do not like the person, or they have treated me badly. It hurts me to hear negative things about them. (Or what I perceive as negative.) I make no sense! I am back and forth angry-happy, love-hate, jolly-depressed, at all times. It is maddening in my mind at times. In the past year, I have managed to see, and strip off behaviors and attitudes that I have adopted from people in my past to present.
My influences have been in their own negative place in their lives as well.
That negativity blends into their daily lingo and attitudes. David hated, I mean hated where we were living before. That energy filled our lives on a regular basis and made me a nervous wreck trying to always fix it. I wanted to make the conflict go away. I wanted my happy-peace place. Through my dismantling self-time, I realized that I was in control of my atmosphere, and environment. I liked where we lived for several reasons, I disliked it for many more, and I decided to take in all that I loved about the place and enjoy it while I could. I made sure the kids had positive memories of our home on East Coast.
The positive things helped them to transition into our new home.
I had lingering fears of what would happen when we got here. When we moved to our first home in past location, Daniel did not do well at all. The year in that house was one of the worst years of my life. He could not transition into that home. I thought the home was beautiful, but it had a “feel” to it. It felt as if there was constant static attacking my body, ears, and mind. I felt like I was surrounded by buzzing bees, and continual chaos. I have no idea why. I believe Daniel felt all of that too. When we were in the last house, it felt calm from the moment I entered the doors. It felt safe.
This home feels that way.
Calm, safe, and it makes me happy. The kids all feel that way too. Joshua told me that he is “in love” with this house. Ariel thinks it is great. Daniel keeps sighing happy sighs whenever the house is being talked about. It is as if he can breathe peacefully. They asked me last night if we could live here forever. It may be that they never want to do a big move again!
Daniel did have a rough couple of days.
He hit his max on Monday, Tuesday was a little better, and then yesterday he was much better. He was too tired I believe to have a rough day. I had planned to take them to the park. I gave each detail of the events to prepare to go. David was going to go out in the morning then, come back so the kids and I could go. He went out and the car battery was dead. I have been setting plans in place for the kids and me to go and do things, everyday something has happened where it fell through. I started to panic because change of plans could not happen again!
I did almost cry because I did not want to tell Daniel.
Thankfully, I wore them out so much the last couple of days that no one had a meltdown. The car thing took the rest of the day. David ended up being stuck in Wal-Mart for several hours and received ample amounts of social and sensory torture that I do not wish on my worst enemy. I held Ariel (She hardly ever wants to be held, but wanted me to hold her all day yesterday.) and she fell asleep for a while. Daniel sat next me holding my hand, and Joshua played his Lego’s. I held him the other night apparently he got his mommy fix in and was good.
As I sat looking at them, I realized just how smooth things are going.
I did prepare them and myself well. I did stay organized and followed through on my plans making it go fairly well for this big move. I have done well at preparing myself to be socially active, and able to discern when I am feeling other people’s emotions. The big thing there is I am not soaking them in for long, or looping about them in confusion. I feel them with the understanding that I am feeling them – I do not have to take them on or try to manage them. I have too many of my own to deal with and I am properly learning to filter the emotional zaps from every person I encounter. I have been faced with many tests dealing with all of this emotional and mental work I have been doing over this past year. Crash course like in the last two weeks.
I had another one on Tuesday.
One of my sisters, who lives about 3 1/2 hours away, came in town. She is moving here as well. She started posting things about it several weeks ago, but she has been saying that she is moving her for years with no follow through. I shrugged it off thinking I will believe when I see it. Well, it seems highly likely. This sister visited me about two years ago in our old home. I get along with her well when she is alone, or with just my aunt and me. I get along with her always, but she confuses me when she is around others. She has been very dependent upon my dad and step mom for years to help her. She does not want to be though. She wants to be strong and independent. She is a single mom. My niece is 10 years old.
My heart melts and I too want to be the support that she needs.
However, I cannot. I am incapable and I have to have boundaries. I did make much of that clear while she was visiting, in a nice way. My family here has not been around us, they have no clue what life is like. I have been educating them, and they are listening. I see the transition in some of my family members too. I am still apprehensive because we have been here a short time and in the next few months when family comes to visit more, and my sister is actually here it will reveal how things truly are. My aunt is a strong support, my grandma is a strong support, and I am good with that. I don’t need a lot I just need to know they are there. It helps a lot knowing that they are readily available (Also, that my sister will be here too.) because David will be gone for longer periods of time, and at the very least quarterly.
My aunt helps me not shutdown into deep dark places, and vice versa.
I wasn’t really prepared for that change of my sister coming, but I think it could be a good thing. I hope it is a good thing for her. I will help her as much as I am able. I need boundaries though, and I am in a place where I do not feel guilty for setting them. I was hit with her words when she came over. I was in a bikini (because I hate clothes, and it is hot!) the first thing she said to me, THE FIRST THING SHE SAID to me (she has not seen me in two years) “Look at you skinny.” Then, she looked down at her stomach and pulled her shirt down.
I said, “Yeah, that is what happens with starvation and depression.”
I did not mean to be so blunt, but I am not going to sugar coat what I have been going through. I am tired of these comments just because you are thin does mean you are ok. I am trying very hard at taking care of my body to get healthy and stay healthy. The way I lost this last bit of weight was not good. I did not do it on purpose. I could not eat for months and it was not because I wanted to starve myself. I eat healthy; I do not eat sweets (often), drink soda, or sugary drinks. I drink water, most of the time if I want something sweet I make oatmeal with fruit. I eat fruit and yogurt. It is not because I am obsessed with being thin, it is because I like those types of foods, and I like to be active. (I am not a fan of fatty, buttery, types of foods – I will get a craving once in a while and I do indulge.)
I have these feelings like I need to defend myself.
She later got her swimsuit on, but would not take her tank top off. Her daughter asked her why she would not take it off. My sister said, “Because I am bloated and it doesn’t look good.” My niece rubbed her mom’s belly and said, “It doesn’t look that bad.” I was upset that my 10-year-old niece had taken on that role and is exposed to that type of condemning self-talk. I looked at my sister and said, “Take it off who cares!” It upsets me so – I wish women (and men) were able to feel comfortable with themselves. In a balanced way, not overly confident, or overly insecure. I do not see people’s body size or shape until they make me.
When I see people, we are all the same size.
I do not notice “flaws” unless the person’s attitude is rude or ugly then, I will. Otherwise, I see the beauty in and out of people. I am keeping that part about me and I am not letting others take that away again. I hope my acceptance of her, all of her, will help her transition into an acceptance of herself. I hope. I am not really sure if I make any sense on this post. I am sure I am going to have several more that are ramblings and seem logical to me, but may seem all out of whack to others. There is just so much to process. I am absorbing, processing, and implementing all kinds of things.
I have had some setbacks with school stuff.
It took me two full days to get that all processed and by the end I was almost in tears from frustration and wanting it to be over. Then, we received notice that Joshua is delinquent in our other school district because they did not receive his evaluation. Egad! We had huge limbs fall from a tree in the back yard that required two days of chainsaw noise. The owners of this house are wonderful and very accommodating I must say. We have a frog pond (No frogs, very sad about that, the birds eat them.) and the pump broke, that took three hours to figure out one day….things like that have been happening then, the car. Still I have been calm and at ease through it all. Yay! Me!
I am very excited at how well all of us are doing.
Resource to check out.
I have not watched this movie yet, but I am intrigued.