I cannot believe it is already Saturday and we have been here a week! I also cannot believe that it is 6:44am and I was up at 5:30am – what have I been doing? The warp has taken me into mega-speed. Ooooo! Time Warp! ”It’s just a jump to the left, and then a step to the right. Put your hands on your hips; and bend your knees in tight. But it’s the pelvic thrust! That really drives you in-sa-a-a-a-a-ane! Let’s do THE TIME WARP again!” I have no idea what that song is about, but I seem to know all of the lyrics.
That is one movie that I watched repeatedly out of pure confusion.
I do not think I should have been watching this movie as a young child – however, that is one of the benefits of my naivety. I can watch things and never have a clue what is going on! Ha ha ha I really liked the music though. (The Rocky Horror Picture Show in case you didn’t know the movie.) I think my mom would have freaked out if she knew I was watching it. I had insomnia and many sleeping problems as a child. (Still now at times.) My mom is a sleeper she needs tons and tons of sleep.
Speaking of my mom…
She called me – she is coming out of her shutdown. I want to explain this a little bit for others who do not understand. My mom is an Aspie; she has a very difficult time expressing her emotions. I have found writing and poetry to help me get out my emotions that I do not understand, or I have no idea where, or who they came from. I found my way to process through things. My mom has not found her outlet yet. Actually, she has it is in her painting, but she has not learned to filter those emotions and expressions freely. She is not capable (yet) to allow herself to let her emotions flow. It is a scary thing – she is a little concerned about what may come out. She has not directly told me that, but I have pieced things together and I know my mother very well.
She has not been able to process the change.
We had a routine for the last four years. We had contact, were able to see each other, we have worked through many things in our relationship, and now after everything has started to make sense with us – we leave. It is heartbreaking for both of us. She misses the kids terribly. She loves being a Grammy. It hurts her as well because I have not been myself in over 10 years. I was more so before I moved to the West, but after that, I truly sucked away any remembrance of this Angel you are exposed to now. She has just gotten her daughter back with a new understanding for me, as well as me finally understanding her. There is a connection that made things right.
Now we are a long distance away and everything has changed.
There are those factors and then, some things happened the week we were leaving as well. My mom’s roof started leaking, one sister was pulled over, and her car was impounded. She had no insurance, and no money. My mom was unaware of this – on her limited funds she had to help my sister with her car. (Possibly the ticket also.) The next day my mom’s car broke down and she needed a new starter. Within the next few days, this same sister burned her hand and arm with third degree burns from an oil fire, and is out of work for three to four weeks. She has to go to a burn center about 3 hours away. There is a lot going on and she has been unable to process anything.
She had to shutdown.
I knew she would I was hoping she wouldn’t. The wonderful thing is that I understand. I accept it and I let her know that everything was fine. It does not change the fact that it still hurts. This time around, she understood that. She did not get upset, or feel like I was not thinking of her emotions. (Aka “being selfish”) I was not devastated by confusion wondering how on earth I was being selfish. In the past, we did not understand. We were unable to explain what we were feeling other than, my mom thinking I was being selfish, and me feeling like my mom didn’t care about me. (None of which was true.)
My mom forced herself to call me on Thursday.
I know what it took for her to do so. I am grateful because it showed how much both of us have grown. I worked through my stuff, and accepted that we would talk whenever she felt ready. She told me that she knew that I understood, but also she understood the fact that the longer she waited and I had no contact the more I would fill with doubt. She understood that I would loop, and feel like she was gone. Forever!!! One of the main reasons she forced herself to call was because the ladies at work asked her if she had talked to me yet. When she said no, another lady said, “Well that is because you are mad at her.”
My mom said, “I am not mad at her!”
It turned into a discussion that caused my mom to loop and worry as to whether I thought she was angry with me for leaving. I never thought that I know my mom well enough to know when she is angry it would have come out. She doesn’t hold in angry well. Sad, depression, anxious, yes she hides them well – angry nope! This new understanding for us has made this move much easier as well. In the past, I would be filled with guilt for leaving. I would feel like I dropped my responsibilities for helping my mother. I would feel like I was abandoning her, and would have these lingering feelings that all of the bad things that were happening were my fault.
I would feel as if somehow my leaving caused the roof to leak.
It caused the problems with her car, and with my sister. Truth be told I did have those moments of feeling that way when I heard everything that happened. I do not know why I take that on, but I do. However, I did not keep those thoughts looping in my head. I dismissed them. It does not make any sense for those things to be my fault. I couldn’t have stopped them if I were there so how could I be responsible now. I think the purpose of this post was to help me filter many of these emotions and see how positive this whole interaction was.
It makes me want to express passionately how important it is to not jump to conclusions.
When it comes to those on the Autism Spectrum, many times our shutdowns/meltdowns are not because we want to. We are not trying to shut out the world, or lash out at it. We need to process and we do not have the words. We need to express ourselves, but do not know how. We need to think, ponder, stim, play games, watch movies, take a billion pictures of the back yard, (ok, maybe that is just me.) listening to music, jump up and down and scream, sit and stare, I don’t know there are so many things. We need to do these things to help us process and we need people to be compassionate and understanding. We also need to be compassionate and understanding for how our shutdowns/meltdowns/stims affect others. I think my mom and I did a pretty good job this time around.
It definitely helped the both of us not only to process better, but to accept each other even more.
P.S. I had to leave this and come back, then edit a bit and leave and come back so…it’s 8:11 as I am typing. Oh! It just turned 8:12am. Let’s do the time warp again!!!