We still do not have internet, not until Wednesday. I stole David’s iPhone – he got some 3G set up to be able to work. I am supposed to be going fast! I will comment back later this week! Please forgive my typos. Hee hee
We are here! Our estimated 12 (14) hour road trip was actually an 18 hour adventure. What a time – I had insomnia days before and then, I barely slept at my mom’s house the night before we left. David and I loaded the truck ourselves. Since I loaded the garage and cleaned as I went the whole thing was not that horrible. He did end up loading a lot of it himself except for the heavy stuff, while I took care of the kids, the rest of the residual packing, and clean up.
Overall, it was the best move-out we have had.
The actual road trip was successful. The kids did amazing! We ended up having to go slower than excepted because the wheels on the truck were bald, and the truck was leaning toward the right. It was not possible for us to pull things out and try to repack so we had to go with it. We left at 4am and arrived here at 10pm. There were a couple of potty accidents that required me pulling over and doing clean up. Poor Daniel ended up getting sick and there was about half hour of vomitous grandness that was all over the back of the car, Daniel, the car seat, and eventually me.
It was entertaining to clean that up in scorching heat.
Oh, and we were in the middle of nowhere so the lovely convenient store only had a bottle of Mr. Clean and packaged sanitary wipes. I do admit I almost lost it by that time and didn’t care a lick what anyone thought of me so… when I cleaned the back of the car, the car seat, Daniel, and myself I yanked off my puke covered tank top right there in the parking park lot to put on a new one. Ok, I did go to the side of the minivan, but I did not hide myself much, I figured my bra was the same as my bikini top. Who cares!
I was amazed at how calm I was the whole trip.
I did not panic or have anxiety about driving through major cities. I do know the route really well. I drove it for back and forth for vacations for six years when I lived further south of the state. However, that was many years ago and when we drove out last time David did all of the driving. Even still in the past, I would panic and have anxiety. Daniel had two minor meltdowns, but he did not shutdown and he kept up communication the whole time, along with happy spirits. All of the kids did. Our last long distance move Daniel stopped eating and drinking. He shutdown and would only take a bottle. He was a little over two and half I believe. Not this time – I am thinking all of the prayers and positivity everyone was vibing on us worked! Thank you all!
The kids got the giggles and went into complete silliness at certain times.
While we were going through heavy, crazy, possible anxiety inducing traffic through Nashville they started laughing so hard they could not stop. I had been “seeking” music on the radio and there was not much to choose from. We heard a song about being sexy and all I can remember is the lyrics that said “I work out” and I started laughing so hard. Then there was another song, I think it was a country song. A fella was singing about never growing up. It involved beer and his friends – I think he was my age.
The kids started making up their own songs.
Ariel was busting out with lyrics, and giggles. Joshua was laughing so hard that he could not talk, and Daniel was laughing while repeating Ariel’s silly lyrics. She was not a fan of country music – I am not the biggest either except for certain types. She started singing, “Nashville does not have our type of music.” I wish I could remember everything they sang it was so funny. I started having laughing tears at one point.
The property manager here was very kind.
The original plan was to meet us here around 7:30 or 8:00 pm, but we were getting in too late so he left the keys for us in the mailbox. Mailbox what?? Yes, in the mailbox without a thought or worry. This is a decent size town, but it still has that small mid-western town feel. I admit I like that – I missed that. We are right on the corner of a heavy traffic area at first I started to panic and having horrible thoughts of Daniel running out into the street. I was a bit freaky about the rules. There are bolt locks on the top of the doors so they cannot reach and there are no windows for Daniel to escape out of.
I think I scared them all enough to listen to me.
I walked into the house and it was much bigger than I expected. I started to feel sick and was consumed with worry. By the next day I was much better, I had to get used to it. The kids loved it the second they walked in. Daniel took to it right away and was so happy about the house that his smile took over his face. He told me that he liked it much better than our other house. They all three said that and that they are so happy here. I am loving on this house too – now.
The yard is like a fairy tale garden.
The house is hilarious. I call it the “Fun House.” There are random goofy things such as needing to turn on two switches under the kitchen sink to get the dishwasher going. Other things that reveal this house is an oddity is the mishmash décor. There is a random electrical type box in the kitchen that I call the “Vortex.” It seems to control all the appliances, has a radio, and actually controls the time continuum. I can push reverse, slow, or fast. The appliances can be “ever on” as well. I am not sure if it works for all time or only the time for this house.
This house also does not have an address.
When registering with the water company they could not find this house. It had no address except for the main road that the house is on the corner of, and it has two owners one who seems to be a mystery and the other sounds Greek and is living in California. The front of the house was built much earlier and the back half was an add on. Strange quirks all throughout that I will definitely have to write about at some point.
So far, every morning when I wake up there are all kinds of critters.
There are all types of birds, squirrels, rabbits, and bugs. So many different types of critters! I feel like Snow White every morning. My dad, aunt, and uncle came to help us unload and I am so grateful to them. The heat was insane at about 102 degrees. I started to get symptoms of vertigo in the afternoon, by the next morning I was bedridden because my vertigo took full force. Anytime I got up I fell over or crashed into to the walls, the nausea was making everything worse. I was so upset.
Later, I decided to try some allergy medicine.
I forgot about my allergies here. I felt much better after taking medicine. I got my second wind and managed to get the kitchen, and my bedroom almost finished. I continue to have vertigo spells off and on, so I have to take it slow and that is SO frustrating. I finally had a meltdown yesterday. It all hit me at once. I was feeling overwhelmed and upset because my body is not cooperating.
I have not had internet and it is making me so upset.
I tried using my iPhone, but the typing is making me dizzy. I have felt so disconnected and surrounded by those who do not understand. While my family loves me very much, they have no idea what our life is like. When I talk about Daniel’s issues or myself I see how they are trying to connect, but it can feel very hurtful. My dad was sharing with me about a woman that was going to his church, who has a daughter with Asperger’s. He implied that he felt like the cause could have been from all of the animals the mother kept.
By his description, the woman is an animal hoarder.
The more he shared I could tell the woman had many Aspie traits, but seemed to show personality disorder. However, that is only based on the information he gave me. When I said those are classic Aspie traits he said, “She has held down good jobs.” I said, “You do realize that the autism spectrum is from genius to the average Joe, to severe?” He didn’t acknowledge my statement and went on about how the woman is unwilling to let go of her gas guzzling maintenance-ridden van. I dropped it.
There were many overwhelming emotions.
My aunt has been here and a great support, but I realize how much she does not know about me. She has no idea what I have had to overcome, or about my severe anxiety issues. She has her own and handles them differently. It felt like her issues were much worse or that I never experienced things such standing in front of people and doing public speaking with an anxiety disorder. I used to speak in front of over 1000 church congregants, or at the welcome center helping new comers. I gave personal testimonies, and danced, vacation bible school skits in front of huge churches and audiences. I had to give presentations at work places, as well as do roll out presentations requiring me to speak, teach, and for a week straight sing crazy songs about customer service – ALL with severe anxiety!
It is so odd to me that none of my family knows these things about me.
Even my closest aunt does not know me that well. It has been a lot to take in. My meltdown erupted though because I have not been able to write, or get online. I have not had a break and I hate it when my body does not function. I have not had constant contact with anyone who understands me. I have not been able to read about others who know what it is like to be on the spectrum. I have felt so alone and isolated. I went to facebook on my phone, saw all of the people interacting, and felt like it would not matter if I ever came back online. I went to several blogs and tried to read them, but I was struck with the same feeling.
I felt like it would not matter if I ever wrote again.
I then, went to my email since I had not checked in days. My mom left me an email telling me that she could not talk to me and needed to be alone for a while. She said maybe I could email her, but she wasn’t sure. I lost it. The tears came rushing, I felt like the only person who got me the most had just abandoned me. It did not help that I was flooded with all of the memories of her doing this to me from childhood on. Her emotions take over and she cannot be happy for me, or deal with me until she is ok.
My whole life has been that.
My support from both of my parents has to be filtered and monitored by me. I have to filter everything I say and do to get a little of something from either of them. This is another whole assortment of problems that I am not opening. I see it in reality for the first time even though I have known it my whole life – the reality is I am my biggest support. I need to finally embrace that and focus on it with mindfulness. True self-assurance and determining what it means to “support.” I do have support from my family I shared a few examples in this post, however, I am not feeling acceptance.
I need to ponder on these things…
Moving on, I am very happy here. My anxiety levels have dropped at least by 60% because I know where I am! I know my way around – I know the “feel” of these people. I was out watering the flowers and plants this morning, on the busy road people were waving at me. When I went into Target and jumped up and down, clapping while hooting and dancing about how much cheaper the food is, no one gave me a second glance. While I was, singing in the parking lot and talking to the sky people looked at me, but smiled. My dad talked to our neighbor (my dad talks to everyone) and they have lived here for 20 years -I cannot imagine living in the same house that long.
I am a vagabond you know!
It made me feel happy that they have been there that long, and that many of the people on this road have been here for many years too. It just felt good for some reason. This is a college town, but there are life-longers here as well. I like having a mix and feel when I drive to different parts of the city. I forgot about the scenery, and when I got here, my shoes came off and I felt like running. I can run on the grass (when we are not in a drought) and I can roll in the leaves, talk to the HUGE maple trees, rub the ivy, watch all the critters scurrying about, and enjoy the massive storms that have such a surreal feel to them.
I can guarantee there is going to be a lot for me to write about here.
There is going to be a lot for me to work through as well, but I noticed when I came driving into town I did not have that dreadful foreboding that I used to have. It was all the same, the place was the same, but I was different. I was not frightened, nervous, worried, or angry. I have been filled with joy despite my other overwhelming emotions. This place is comfort, the kids love it, and at this moment in time, it feels right. I am home… for a while.
Pictures you ask?
Why yes, I have pictures, tons of them! I took many drive-by “camera shooting” pictures. (The definition of that is taking pictures while driving and not looking at what I am taking pictures of.) There are some of the kids hugging the old house good-bye, and some of my new yard. OH! And the sky after a stormed passed last night, comforting me after my meltdown. The clouds, the sun, and the whole sky gave me a great big smiley face when I went to the store.