Monthly Archives: July 2012

07/31/12

Me Overreacting? I Don’t Know!

Where to begin? I am not sure how to get these words out. In my mind I have done what I always do – convinced myself that I am overreacting and that I should feel guilty for any possible misunderstanding someone may have had from my behavior. I did nothing wrong. I did respond to something in a way that my family has not seen before. I did not sit in my anger and confusion, I have accepted that “I am the Wild Card!” :-)

I am feeling a little foolish sharing some of this. 

However, I am going to anyway. I am not sure if I overreacted or not. Frankly, I do not care after I share all that led up to my “Wild Card” event, I think you all may understand. For weeks, I have been socially active, I have seen family members that I have not seen in years. In my mind, I am a new fixture coming into the family fold. I do not know how they will respond to me, my children, our lifestyle, and my new openness, me being me and (As much as I know of me at this particular time in my life.) what they will say about my appearance, or my thoughts? Where/how, do I fit into family now and the big one – do they even care if I am here? Will they after they hear me voice my opinions and see me speaking up? I did not in the past, I would usually shutdown at some point and say nothing. I left people with the impression that I was always fine, or understood what was going on.

I have been overwhelmed with the response of family being happy to see me. 

I did not they would be happy, I am not really sure I know how to describe what I think. It is very hard to articulate. What I am about to say I hope I am able to make very clear and no one misreads it. I do not feel love, or likeness back. I have an incredibly hard time knowing, or comprehending that someone cares about me unless I have continual contact.  Do not confuse this with thinking that I need praise, or people to tell they love me all the time. I do not want frivolous words thrown around to try to make me feel better, that works for others, and I understand that. I need something a little more than that not much more, it is more action based I think. It is a different world on the internet – I am not referring to internet interactions. I do have a hard time sometimes remembering that not all people who I have had contact with are now my friend for life.

I know this, but I forget. 

I wrote about not knowing if someone was my friend or not here Not Understanding Relationships. One of my main issues is that I do not have the innate understanding when someone cares about me. I have a hard time knowing that my family loves me. I do not even know what that means because it is through their definition of love and to me many of their actions and words have not translated as loving acts. They have done many loving acts and shared many loving words, but they seem to not penetrate at all. They erase completely when they do something that seems unloving, or mean. If I feel disconnected I feel like I am invisible and disappear from their existence. My mind operates like an all or nothing type of thing. It stems from not feeling it – I just went into research mode.

Something to ponder: Increase the Family Fun Factor: Making a Point to Enjoy One Another

“With every fun, enjoyable experience you give your children while they are with the family, you provide them with positive reinforcement about what it means to be in loving relationship with others.  One reason has to do with a chemical in your brain called dopamine.  Dopamine is a neurotransmitter, which means that it enables communication between brain cells.  Your brain cells receive what some people call “dopamine squirts” when something pleasurable happens to you, and it motivates you to want to do it again.  Scientists who study addiction point to these dopamine surges as factors that lead people to maintain a certain habit or addiction, even when they know it’s bad for them.  But we can also help produce dopamine squirts that reinforce positive and healthy desires—like enjoying family relationships. Dopamine is the chemical of reward—and play and fun are rewarding in our lives.”

Many of my family experiences were stressful, and confusing. 

When I would visit this side of the family, I always came home a mess. I would be confused, depressed, spiraling in negative loops, angry, sad, and my mom had no idea what was wrong with me. She had no patience for it either. I had no one to talk to about it. Even if I did I had no way of communicating what I was feeling. I still do not very well, hence this lovely post. I did not have tons of positive enjoyable times – they seemed happy enough because it was all I knew. When I mentioned that I could not feel other’s love for me, I literally mean it feels like there is a blockade in my brain and I do not know how they feel towards me. They say the words “I love you”, and they hug me, but I do not have an understanding of it.

It does not mean that I do not love them. 

I am very much capable of overflowing with affection toward people, even those I do not care that much about. Unless I really do not like them, which is not many people at all. (There are some though, I would still help them if they needed it.) It is so hard to explain. Here is an example, my Marine cousin I told you about, in my mind I did not think it would matter that much to him if he saw me or not. I wanted to see him very much and was so excited that he was coming home before his leave. When he called and said that he wanted to see me, I thought that was great, but did not understand that he really wanted to see me. When he hugged me on Sunday, I felt that for the first time. He was happy to see me, he wanted to see me, and he possibly has even missed me. I had a moment of thinking, “Huh, maybe my family does want me around.”

It quickly left. 

I do not know why it does not stay with me. After thinking about it for a moment, I actually think I do. It goes back to how others show love and how I interpret it. My definition is different from others and I always forget this. Many times, I have confused the degrees of love, and the actions of what I determine as love from others. Something that means love to me is nothing to another person. For instance, if a person shows interest in my special interests then I think that we have a deeper connection. I have learned that some people are just being nice. It is a lifetime of having people tell me they love me, or care about me only to have their actions and words reflect otherwise. Nowadays these emotions are tossed all about in our society and I have no clue what it means, even more so than before.

I know that my family cares about me, I do. 

It is going to take me time to ease in. Sunday proved to be quite the social overload for me. It started with trying to get Daniel in the car. I will say this; it took about 15 minutes of wrestling from the kitchen to the car. There were screams and more wrestling, Joshua needing his sound reducers, and almost going into a meltdown himself, Ariel went into a complete shutdown. However, I knew if we made it to Target, we could get to my aunts. I told Daniel that we could go to Target first to pick out a toy and then go to my aunts. I was hoping it would help give him a focus and reason to get into the car. He was fine when I told him that we were going, but had tons of “Why?” questions.

When the time came to go, he refused to get his shoes on. 

He ran all over the house, not a happy camper, but finally he was in the car. We made it to Target, and Daniel settled once in the parking lot. We went in and he picked out a Hex Larva. He was beyond happy. Ariel and Joshua got Lego sets. Ariel finally got her Cat woman set, and Joshua got one of the cool new Monster sets with a glow-in-the dark mummy and skeleton horse! Awesome! I had to purchase a new shirt because I was drenched in sweat after our wrestling match. :-) Daniel had no problems getting into his car seat. He was still a little shaky with what he calls mountains (hills), but I tried to distract him by telling him about the houses that I used to swim at with my couple of friends, and how I road my bike all over the neighborhood area where my aunt lives. He liked that.

When we walked into my aunts, I was gulped down with a mass of people. 

I looked at my aunt with big eyes and shook my head. It was my way of letting her know that I could not talk to anyone and had to get Daniel settled. I went straight in, set everything down, took a deep breath, and went into the social soup. It was good; all went well for the most part. My other aunt was there and I ended up talking to her a lot more than I had planned to. Of course, she confused me. She said things that seemed to sound right, but still sounded off. I was too tired to try to discern. The house was full of people that I did not know. I had not recovered from everything that had happened with Daniel. I tried to talk to people, but I did not know what to say.

Then! 

I was in the kitchen talking to my aunt that I always talk to, she and I were talking about some of the things that my other aunt said that seemed confusing to me. I did not mean anything negative by it I was confused. We heard someone come to use the restroom and I was being silly speaking Spanish and making up words. That meant that I was more relaxed, off guard, and vulnerable. My confusing aunt came in and looked at, she said, “I was just thinking, it’s a good thing your last name isn’t hole because then everyone would call you A-Hole.”  I stared at her in complete confusion. My mind went reeling. Anger stirred inside of me and I did not know why I was so angry. I looked at her and asked, “What?” it took me a few minutes to get what she was saying.

I was at a loss for words. 

Still I was boiling with anger and was not sure why. She had a gleam in her eye, and a smirk. I did not know what to think. I had so many thoughts running through my head. I wondered if she had overheard us and thought that we were saying something mean about her, which was not the case. I wondered if she was being mean to me. I wondered why she would say such a thing. I wondered why it hurt my feelings so terribly. I wondered why the heck she was so happy about saying such a rude thing. She said other comments implying that I was not taking care of my kids, in a “joking” manner. I was so furious that all I could do was look at her and say, “Well you are just a sweetheart. You are just a sweetheart, aren’t you?”

I have no idea where that came from. 

I then, confused the heck out of her. She was partially laughing and asked if I was being sarcastic. I could not talk I was too upset. She said, “Hi Daniel.” and I yelled, Boo Bear come here to mommy, let’s go upset stairs a minute.” I did not want her near him either. I was so confused and angry without any understanding to the emotions that I was feeling. I calmed down and went back; she asked if she had upset me. She said it was a joke, I said to her, “I just told you only a few minutes ago that I have a hard time getting jokes.” She said, “Well you used to get them.” I said, “No, no I did not. I pretended, or I shutdown and went home in complete confusion.” She looked at me oddly and then, it was as if a light bulb went off in her head. It seemed like she had flashes of my responses from the past fill her mind.

I was fine afterward; I get it – a silly joke. 

However, this is why my family can confuse, and hurt me so badly. I do not think jokes like that are funny. I do not think it is funny to make fun, belittle, or say things that seem not nice. Maybe I am overreacting, but I do not like it. I do not think that it is funny. I do not want my children to grow up making fun of others in “joking” ways, especially to people that they love. I am highly sensitive, I know. I was already overwhelmed from the world stuff going on, the social encounters I have had, the Daniel car situation, having to go into a store before meeting a ton of new people, and seeing family that I have not seen in so long.

I thought it was funny that all I could say was that she was a sweetheart.

The word was white and flashing in my head like a neon sign. I do not know why. I decided that is what I will do. I will just say random crazy things in these situations and people will not know how to respond. Eventually, it will lead to “Angel is a spaz!” That is ok; they already gave me that title a long time ago. Hee hee Seriously, I decided I do not have time for this nonsense. I will not stay quiet if I am confused and I will not put up with things that hurt me. If they think I am foolish, so be it. I am not going to live in a state of confusion and hurt because I do not understand something. I owe it to my kids to keep a sound mind, and I owe to myself because I have done too much work in my own acceptance and moving in positive ways of thinking, to fall into any of those patterns again.

This did cause a minor shutdown and emotional turmoil for all of yesterday, but I am better now. :-)  

P.S. Daniel did great in the car ride home. He is not afraid anymore, but we are still easing into more car rides. Ariel and Joshua did great, they all had a wonderful time and we were able to stay for about 4 hours. Yesterday, we all had our moments – still we enjoyed ourselves and the whole thing was totally worth it!

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07/29/12

Ramblings I Suppose

I have no idea if any of my posts lately are making sense, or if I sound like a babbling rambling fool. I need to write and get things out of my head though so I hope that I am not being too terribly off. I am in a massive information consumption, and book-reading loop. This morning I have been on a Psychology Today reading kick. I am fairly certain that I am reading obsessively to help calm my anxieties about going to my aunt’s house today. I do not “feel” all that anxious, but my mind is acting otherwise. She has put out a facebook invite to any and everyone so I have no idea how many people will be there. I do not know many of them, except family. I also have the lingering anticipation about the kid’s anxieties.

I have not told Daniel yet.

It seemed to be a better route not to tell him about this yet. I tried to in the beginning of the week, and he shutdown for a while then, came full force with a ton of questions. As well as almost tears, hitting his head with his hands and then, playing drums on everything in the house. Tap, tap, thump, thump, rad-a-tat, rad-a-tat, all over the place. The one question he repeated for several hours was, “Why? Why do we have to go? Why, is it there? Why are there people going? Why does the car shake? Why does the road go up? Why? Why? Why?” He was getting himself so upset that finally I told him that we were not going and not to worry about it. He would not have been able to function the rest of the week. I felt horrible because I wanted to prepare him ahead of time and discuss it with him. He was just unable to do so this week so I will do it about an hour before hand.

There are times when it is better to wait and tell him.

There are other times when I must prepare him ahead of time months in advance. It all depends on how he is responding, feeling, and determining what he is able to process at the moment. He has too much anxiety about getting in the car right now. The anticipation of thinking about it, worrying about it, fearing things like getting carsick again, would have been too much for him. There was no way to make him feel better about it. I do have a plan to help with today, and I am hoping it works. If not he may have to stay home with Daddy because Ariel and Joshua are excited about going – though they are having their own anxieties.

Ariel has been sharing much more about her social thoughts.

She talked to me about how people look at her funny sometimes when we are out and she does not understand why. I explored that in much more detail. I will not go in depth with it though. It was a great opportunity to explain to her that we never know what people are thinking. We may be reading people wrong when they look at us and there are many reasons as to why a person may be looking at us oddly. Such as we look familiar, they like something about us, they want to talk to us but do not know how, or they want to ask us a question, they like our clothes, there could be anything! I realized that everything I was telling her was positive. I had explained to her that in that type of situation it does not always mean a bad thing.

I then, thought to myself, “I need to listen to my own words!”

She explained to me as well that she feels more comfortable talking to people who are in business, or she knows what they do. The more we talked I discovered that she gets anxious about meeting new people because she does not know anything about them and does not know how to, or what to talk to them about. Oh, gosh! Me too! She wants all of the information about people beforehand so she knows what to talk about. That is exactly what I do. This is the reason I look up people and try to get to know things about them before I interact with them.

I cannot do chitchat very well.

At some point, I get annoyed and shutdown, or walk away because it makes my brain feel fuzzy and confused. My purpose in talking to people is mutual information sharing. I like to learn things in a conversation. Whether it is details about their work, their ways of thinking, or their lifestyle. I need concrete information and I can sit with a person who is willing to answer all of my questions for hours. When I am talking to them I am connecting so many other sources of information swimming around in my brain, and I add that information to the conversation. I do not talk to people just to talk. If I am going to invest my time in a person, I want it to be worth it.

If I invest any amount of time in a person, it means I want to.

If I see that, they are not giving me mutual information exchange I tend to walk away, or stop talking. I see no point in it. I can be silly, and say frivolous things at times. However, at some point I need to see that the person and I have something of substance to talk about otherwise I cannot keep up the conversation in the physical or in the virtual. I go back to my word productive. It needs to be producing something. I like talking and reading about people who produce thoughts in my mind, and keeps me connecting and wondering about all kinds of things. Ariel is like that too, I have watched her walk away from conversations when she does not get to contribute thoughts, or does not understand the point.

We all do this at home as well, but we are just as goofy as we are serious.

I think I just tapped into my anxiety. I have several different things making me anxious. I am anxious about Daniel’s response to the car, his response to being around a whole bunch of people, and how people will respond to him. I believe my other aunt who sent me a ton of letters out of nowhere causing me to spiral into social confusion frenzy, may be there. She is upset (through the family grapevine) that I did not tell her that we were moving here. To be honest, I did not tell anyone except my close aunt, my grandma and then, my dad and step mom about a month before. I did not have time or the emotional ability to get on the phone, or email everyone and tell them that I was coming here.

My thoughts, why would they care anyway they never talk to me?

What does it matter now? I am just going to be myself and try not to let that nonsense get to me. My kids are my focus and my cousin since he will be leaving soon. I still have the underlining anxiety quietly hiding that will manifest itself in other ways. I have to keep that in mind for the kids and me. We all do it even though Joshua has no problems walking into a place and talking to people. He is very social; he still has meltdowns/shutdowns in his own way. As much as he loves it, it still takes a lot out of him. I assume I needed to get this stuff out of my head to help me move forward for the day. I had planned to only share some links and pictures of what the kids have been up to! My head is so full of words. I have a story floating around in there as well. Need-to-get-it-out. Onto my initial quest!

The kids have been watching Lego engineers on Lego.com Creator.

Joshua is very animate about becoming a Lego Engineer when he grows up. Ariel has added that to her many occupations she plans on doing. Daniel however, well he wants to fly. No, not in a plane or helicopter, he wants to grow wings and fly. He asks me, “Why can’t I have wings like a bird?” at least one time at some point in the day. Who knows, maybe he will one day. They have been on Lego Universe for days as well. Not all day long, but off and on. They have been creating all kinds of things. Ariel has struggled in the past trying to be imaginative with Lego’s. She has always wanted to be able to create things the way that Joshua does. He thinks of something and the next thing you know he was created an entire movie scene and is playing out the story line that is in his head. She can do this with painting and drawing, or writing stories and poetry. She was so excited to discover that she could create things in her head too with Lego’s.

She needed visual instructions for Lego’s though!

I did not pick up on this, until after watching her create some things the other day. She had been watching the Lego designers give step-by-step instructions for building. It all finally clicked for her and then, once she started creating things she had to give me step-by-step instructions on how she build what she created. I have pictures of her doing this with her lamppost. She was very detailed and serious while giving me the instructions. Joshua and Daniel happily played with their Lego creations not desiring to instruct me on anything. They just wanted to play, while Ariel felt it necessary that she share with me how she did it.

Awesome! My kid’s rock!

I cannot help it I have to say it, I love how different they are and how each of them share. It makes me so happy. I better get busy and prepare for the day. I just realized going through this post that I am scripting in my head for social conversations today. How funny, I am telling myself what types of people to speak to and what types not to by reminding myself why I have conversations. Writing this stuff out reminded me that chitchat conversations confuse me, and peoples faces confuse me. I get anxious after-the-fact because I do not understand what, or why they were making a facial expression at me, said something that seemed odd to me, or are responding in a way that I do not understand. I had no idea why I was writing all of that stuff out. Preparation is the name of the game! I am always two-steps behind my brain, and two-steps ahead of my mind. Lol!

Reads others may be interested in also. 

Toxic Relationships in Eating Disorder Recovery

Overcoming Resistance in Binge Eating Disorder Treatment

Treating Mid-Life Eating Disorders

Myths of Forgiveness

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07/28/12

Could We Be Anymore Social?

I have had to take breaks from many online social outlets this week. I do not know how people do it. I do not know how they stay on read all kinds of things, comment, post, tweet, email, and continue in real life too. While, I am much better with online socialization, in the context of not having as much anxiety, stress, and able to read people without too much confusion for the most part – I still go into social overload.

Especially, when there are copious amounts of what feels like media stampedes. 

It feels like I am being assaulted from all sides with words, and images. It causes my brain to shutdown, and my soul to hurt. I have had to put into practice mindful thinking a lot this week. I have been sent into spirals about friendships, relationships in general, wondering about political agendas, personal agendas, people’s motives on a large scale, wondering what is productive, and counterproductive in society… humanity as a whole and how it still proves to be very similar to all of recorded history. Humans, myself included, can be quite the predictable creatures. (When it comes to certain patterns, but I do not feel like going into all of that.)

Mindfulness:

Mindfulness is a state of active, open attention on the present. When you’re mindful, you observe your thoughts and feelings from a distance, without judging them good or bad. Instead of letting your life pass you by, mindfulness means living in the moment and awakening to experience.

I tried meditating… again and again…and again.

I think I got about five minutes in! Lol! I keep trying though. This week I watched two days of videos and took the review quizzes at the end for the kid’s virtual school. TWO DAYS! I could not stop, I just wanted to get through it and make sure I understood everything. I got upset when I missed several questions – I made it clear in their comments section that the wording of the questions and answers were hard to comprehend at times. I am not sure, if it was the way my brain read and interpreted the questions, or if they were actually written poorly.

Either way I missed some and I did not like that!

Apparently, there is going to be teacher calls with me and the children about every two weeks. There may be more interactions for Daniel once his IEP is set in place. They may offer services online, or send us somewhere close by for therapies. I have not spoken with his teacher yet, he will have a specific special needs staff handling that. I will be quite virtually social. The kids will be too. They will have live sessions with the teacher and other children. About 45 days into the school year clubs begin, and there are field trips along with other forms of opportunity for socializing. I will pick and chose what opportunities will fit us best.

The three boxes of curriculum arrived yesterday.

The kids and I were ecstatic! My grandma was here, (Speaking of social, yesterday was quite a social affair, I will share later.) and she said, “It’s like Christmas in July.” She had never seen kids get so excited over schoolbooks. Ariel wanted to start right away. Their first day of school is actually the day David leaves for several weeks. I think that is good because they will have something to focus on and we can start our new routine. We pulled out everything, made sure it was all there, and explored. It is familiar curriculum styles – I used many actual schoolbooks that I had found on Ebay for homeschooling.

The math curriculum is one that I wanted to start several years ago, but it was too expensive. 

We have Discovery Education through the school resources - free!! (Well our tax dollars are paying for much of this stuff, I am ok with that.) We wanted to get that several years ago too, but we just could not pull the funds. I still love Khan Academy, Ted-Ed , and YouTube EDU - I plan on continuing to use them on a regular basis. Along with many other resources! Can you tell that I am a little excited? I read the school handbook, and I am now going over our state supplement for the handbook. Ok, I will stop before I go into complete details about all of the curriculum and the operating system that the school uses. Ariel already read her entire first reading book, and has started her second one – I am talking about her textbook. I told she is going to have to read it again and go in a much slower pace. She said she understood I hope she does not get annoyed with having to go slower and do the lessons.

My point, we are going to be more phone, and webcam social, as well as physically social. 

After several meltdowns/shutdowns from change, social overload, sensory overload, and emotional overload, we all seem to be moving in a calmer direction. We took some social time off last week – I still cannot get Daniel in the car. However, I will get him into the car this Sunday for a barbecue thing at my aunt’s house. My cousin is in town! He and several of my other cousins came over last night for a little while. I have not seen any of them for about five years. I am the oldest cousin so it was quite a treat to see them as grown men. One now married, the one visiting went into the Marines and has been doing an amazing job.

He is here for several days and then off to Japan in August for two years.

It is my aunts son, and I know she is both elated and heartbroken at the same time. There were six of them that came over last night, five of my cousins, (All guys ranging in age 13 to late 20′s, I believe, I am so bad with remembering age everyone looks the same age to me!)  And my Marine cousin’s girlfriend. She was in boot camp with him, if I recall correctly. I was excited and nervous I was anxious and happy. I enjoyed myself very much, the kids just ran. They ran all around the yard, while we stood outside and enjoyed the scenery – the AWESOME yard! So happy here, so happy. :-)  We have a tree swing too so of course; everyone had to try it out.

My one cousin said his wife bought him a trampoline and it has been the greatest thing. 

He mentioned that he has gone back to some childish behaviors like enjoying swings again, and his trampoline. I said, “I always engage in childish behaviors, and I do not care!” Lol! I think more adults should try to swing for a while, or get on a trampoline. I was very happy with how respectful they all were about coming over. My one cousin called a couple of days ahead of time to set up a good day to come over. Yesterday was agreed upon, but the time was still not set. I continued to prepare the kids, and talked to Daniel specifically. They were all feeling the same way I was, excited and anxious. It was a good thing having grandma here first because it helped alleviate some of the “anticipation anxiety.”

Then, when the curriculum arrived, that was a bonus distraction. 

I finally got the call for when they were coming, and at first, the plan had only been my two cousins, and the girlfriend, possibly my aunt. The plan changed to six of them, which included a couple more of my cousins. I was hesitant because of the change, and my cousin said, “If it is a problem I completely understand.” I only had to adjust my thoughts, and prepare the kids and myself. I told him it was no problem and to come on over. I am glad I did.

It is starting not to be such an intense emotional frenzy for me.

I am remembering that I do enjoy being around many of my family members, though I still need down time. I enjoy the diversity in my family’s beliefs as well, my Marine cousin is an Atheist, my married cousin is a Orthodox Christian, (I believe I have linked to the proper beliefs that he is following.) my other cousins are non-denominational Christian, and Baptist, or Methodist it has changed at some point.

We will see how Christmas goes. :-)  

Daniel helped himself all day yesterday with the anxiety by playing the iPad, (He and Ariel love this vectorpark.com on the computer and the iPad.) and playing with his hand recorder. I let them watch My Little Pony, (Any Bronies out there? :-) ) and then we had fun with our new school stuff. So far, today is looking good. Although, Daniel is stomping around the house, to make noise, and walking the perimeter of the house because the iPad battery is charging. I am going to take them swimming later that should help all of us. We all love to be in the water!

In a way, I very excited about all of our new social adventures. 

I am happy that we are having actual physical encounters that have been very positive. Even with some of the things that have upset me with family, the overall experiences have been positive for the kids. (Even for me.) My sister got the house she wanted for her and my niece and will be moving out here in a few weeks. More social adventures awaiting us in the future. I am very thankful that my fears are not gripping and causing me panic attacks like they used to with all of this stuff. There was a long period after any social encounter, which I would talk about it for days. My mind would be in complete confusion, or I would fear that I had said or done something wrong. In reality, this has only gotten better in the last year. It heightened when I was not in many social situations.

It gets easier the more I am social – as long as I remember that, I cannot push my limits to the extreme.

I need breaks, and I need to prepare – the same goes for the kids. I realized just this morning that the longer I cut myself off from people virtually, or physically the more my mind gets confused by the relationship and I start to feel like they are going to leave me. I begin to read into things that simply are not true, and create negative loops trying to prepare for the pain so it will not hurt so much when it happens. I may have expressed this before – my brain does forget… well it takes many things to connect in my brain sometimes for me to finally grasp it. I do have many negative scripts for relationships. However, going back to mindfulness – I do not know enough about it being path of enlightenment in the Buddhism context – I think it is a good way of thinking for my brain. It seems to be a healthier way for me to think.

I am reading information about it on a regular basis. 

I find it very interesting and helpful. I see many positive things about it. My main goal has been to keep my loops under control and not fall into spinning negative thoughts. I know my patterns – when I am overloaded, I immediately start to see things that could or could not be happening. I lose my ability to discern properly, and I lose my understanding of how people feel about me. The relationship becomes confused for me, and I begin to think that they care nothing for me or they are done with me. I am stopping these loops by staying mindful and directing my thoughts and energy on positive and productive things. I need to feel like I am being productive with my thoughts, and time. If I do not I tend to start feeling purposeless. I am not sure how my more socially active life is going to affect me – at least I am gaining tools to handle my anxieties better.

School curriculum pictures!  

 

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07/26/12

Delirious! Mind Dump Post & Clouds, Of Course!

I would categorize my mood as delirious. However, no one get too concerned, I am only trying to help my brain get organized. Sometimes the best way is to go research the random thoughts that fill my mind. I have been utterly chaotic in my brain. I am disorganized, unable to focus, feeling my emotions fluctuate from one extreme to the next; I have not been able to sleep – as a matter-of-fact I do not want to. It feels like I am being forced by my own body to go get rest and I have so many things that are gyrating around in my neurons that I want to get them settled and organized.

I have been annoying myself with not being able to get on a schedule. 

My consumption of documentaries lately has gotten my brain into a thinking, connecting, wanting to fix everything in the world frenzy. The last few days I have been working on the kids schooling and loving it! I have been in a state of euphoria with learning the virtual system, reading through the curriculum, checking out the resources, learning about the school’s operations in great detail, and it has made me incredibly excited for school.

I cannot wait for it to start. 

I was a bit a put out when I started the orientation not knowing that it was HOURS of video watching and then, short quizzes afterward. Now, I appreciate what they have done. It only helps my confidence in the school, but I was thinking, “Seriously, someone does not know how to use a forum, or how to use email?” and we need a five to eight minute video with visuals and someone talking, as well as a quiz at the end. I quickly reminded myself that not many people adore the computer or internet as much as myself, or their jobs do not require these types of skill. Others may not even have a computer!

People forgive me, I forget sometimes, OK!

I admit I have rather enjoyed watching the videos and taking the quizzes because I am getting them all right. HA! Seriously, the whole operation going on is quite user friendly and very detailed. Yes, yes I am completely sidetracked. It all ties into my delirious state. I realized that I am feeling like this because school has been our life. The past three to four years straight have revolved around me planning school, and working with the kids all day long, all year long with school. I did not have strict regiments, but school was an all day affair. It was my focus and direction for all of these years.

I have felt lost not doing school.

I have felt in limbo for the past few months. I have not done any school with them since we got here because I have been unpacking, getting the house organized, cleaning, helping the children to adjust, dealing with all of our social and emotional meltdowns(shutdowns), I have been too overwhelmed to even think about coming up with school ideas. I have let us all relax and play outside, or stim on whatever we want to. AND it is making me delirious in the context of the word’s several definitions.

What made me think of this morning? 

I had been looking at old pictures of the kids when they were babies, and around two years old. I found lovely pictures of them and of the sky that I obsessed over with the video and digital camera while I was stuck in our three-story apartment by myself for most of the day. (Evenings as well about two nights a week.) The balcony had an amazing view, and the storms that rolled in created some of the most brilliant art pieces I have ever seen. The rainbows would take up the entire landscape and some nights I swear I could reach out and touch the moon.

They were my closest friends – they have been my whole life. 

As I looked through the billion pictures I had captured, my eyes filled with tears of joy and sorrow. So many emotions I cannot describe. The happiness of that time with the babies and nature, and the sadness of isolation and feeling so alone. As I sat there looking at the images all of the memories flooded me, both good and bad. My exhaustion and fears, my jollity that I had captured so many smiles from each of them. The hardwired personalities that I saw then that are now manifesting into word and actions with clarity.

I just got delirious with emotion. 

I have so many thoughts flooding my mind and I have so many posts that I want to write, but I cannot. My mind is chaotic and unable to filter into a clear message. Until I heard, this song  Delirious by Prince (This is the only version I can find.) flood my brain out of nowhere as I sat at my computer only a few moments ago.  Have I written this before? I am having déjà vu – yikes! We know what that means, right? Then, I thought of Eddie Murphy Delirious stand up show and thought, “What was my mom thinking letting me watch that?” Of course, we spent many a Saturday nights watching SNL so I can see where it would not be much of a stretch. I did not understand most of it anyway. I just really liked Steve Martin being King Tut and would do the whole skit for my audience, whether real or make-believe. :-)

Speaking of Steve, here he is with Bela Fleck, Tony Trischka Banjo HDTV The Crow. (Awesome) 

See I keep going off in all sorts of directions. My mind is linking and laughing, crying and hurting, singing and quiet, and trying to gain some sort of balance. Which led me to look up the word delirious, wondering if people or even myself truly understand the definition and comprehend the word’s meaning? Here we go…

de·lir·i·ous  (d-lîr-s) adj.

1. Of, suffering from, or characteristic of delirium.

2. Marked by uncontrolled excitement or emotion; ecstatic: delirious joy; a crowd of delirious baseball fans

 delirious [dɪˈlɪrɪəs] adj

1. (Medicine / Pathology) affected with delirium

2. wildly excited, esp with joy or enthusiasm

Leading me to Delirium:  

Delirium or acute confusional state is a common and severe neuropsychiatric syndrome with core features of acute onset, meaning it has been present from hours to days, but not months or years. Delirium represents an organically caused decline from a previously-attained level of cognitive functioning. Delirium typically appears suddenly with a readily-identifiable time of onset, such as a time space of a few hours, or overnight. It is typified by fluctuating course, attentional deficits and generalized severe disorganization of behavior. It typically involves other cognitive deficits, changes in arousal (hyperactive, hypoactive, or mixed), perceptual deficits, altered sleep-wake cycle, and psychotic features such as hallucinations and delusions. Delirium itself is not a disease, but rather a clinical syndrome (a set of symptoms), which result from an underlying disease or new problem with mentation.

Definition

In common usage, delirium is often used to refer to drowsiness, disorientation, and hallucination. In broader medical terminology, however, a number of other symptoms, including a sudden inability to focus attention, and even (occasionally) sleeplessness and severe agitation and irritability, also define “delirium,” and hallucination, drowsiness, and disorientation are not required.

There are several medical definitions of delirium (including those in the DSM-IV and ICD-10). However, all include some core features.

The core features are:

  • Disturbance of consciousness (that is, reduced clarity of awareness of the environment, with reduced ability to focus, sustain, or shift attention)
  • Change in cognition (e.g., problem-solving impairment or memory impairment) or a perceptual disturbance
  • Onset of hours to days, and tendency to fluctuate.
  • Behaviour may be either overactive or underactive, sleep is often disturbed.
  • Thinking is slow and muddled but the content is often complex. [4]

Common features also tend to include:

Indeed by definition I would assess myself as being in a state of delirium. (without hallucinations and delusions… wait does déjà vu count? ) 

However, I am feeling deliriously free from negative thoughts, and limiting my intake of negativity, which is helping my brain to gain its proper and “normal” state, whatever that is. All I know is that I do not feel so sad, or helpless when in my brain’s proper state. :-)  I think I have gotten enough out to help me get back to a calmer mind. I enjoyed so much looking at my pictures. I am going to share some of them. I am sharing a few of the kids too, I only got up to Joshua being a few months old in my picture rounds – I had to start breakfast. I found a picture of my cat Alexa; she always made her head flat. I do not know why. She was a silly kitty. She looks kind of like a dragon. Click on the pictures to make them larger.

Hope you enjoy these photos! 

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07/24/12

Needing Some Positivity

I am trying to remember that the world is not a place consumed with the emotions I am feeling at this moment. There is life, light, and joy, mostly in my back yard. :-) The last few days we have been watching baby birds in a nest right outside the window of our bathroom. Every day I have been taking pictures, I did not get pictures of their eggs – bummer. I did get them when they were all ugly, scraggly looking little robin chicklets. They were cutely beautiful. On Sunday, one of them left the nest. It somehow got to the fence and sat there for a while. I did not see when the second one took off, but the third one sat in the nest squawking what sounded like “Hey, hey, hey! Where did you all go?”

I had been going out and talking to mother for days. 

She did not like it much and would pretend as if she were a statue. It was rather funny. The last one left the nest yesterday. All of the birds in the yard were chirping away, it seemed that every type that is living in our trees was watching the young birds. They all seemed to be rooting for them. I went into the back at one point yesterday to see if I could find the three little ones and a ton of birds started chirping and flying away. I saw the three little ones try to fly as fast as they could as they swooped up into the nearby tree.

The little one with its distinct voice, “Hey, hey, hey!” 

The poor thing does not seem to have a pretty chirp. Hee hee On Sunday, I took each child for a walk to explore our yard. I spent alone time with each of them. I enjoyed very much how each of them explored and pointed out different things. We discussed how nature works, and about the little birds. We were hoping that all of them would be all right and make it into their bird world. Nature is a hard place to survive, you know. We had such a wonderful time, exploring, talking, trying to climb a tree that has steps to nowhere, swinging, discovering a fall leaf already, and watching the critters, so much delight back there.

It made me think of the truth about nature. 

There is life and death, there is harsh and ugly, there is pure lovely goodness, and there is beauty beyond description. There are silly squirrels that use this yard as a playground, and there are amazing birds like goldfinches, and mommy robins protecting her babies. The spiders creep, and eat, the lightening bugs are unable to glow because of the heat, the butterflies flitter about the ivy, the moths come up and drink the water from the hose, and it is a magical and mysterious world. I am so happy that the kids and I get to enjoy it.

I will set my mind on these things. 

It does not mean I do not care, or I am detached from the world. I am too attached – I hurt too much, I get angry at wrongful judgments, and blanketed comments. I just do not know how to cope with emotional turmoil that affects me from so many facets – it causes me too much pain. I get consumed with thoughts, too many thoughts and cannot function. I have to remember that there is both good and bad simultaneously living in us all. This is human nature.

Leaving you with a bit of our happiness – maybe someone really needs that right now. 

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07/22/12

Food Stuff, Diets Egad! Movie & Documentary II

I am very much stuck on the second movie I watched. America the Beautiful 2: The Thin Commandments. (Probably because it is a documentary and I love documentaries.) It made me cry too. I wanted to scoop up all the women in the world who suffer from poor body image, hug them, and cry with them. That says a lot because you know I am not about the hugging! Hee hee There are many aspects of this movie that touched me. I thought it brought some perspective into the dieting industry, trickles of the modeling industry, and different perspectives from people all living their lives on a body image spectrum. One extreme to the other, balance and discontent, eyes blinded and eyes opened. I watched this with a heavy heart for all of those who have fallen for the “diet lie.” I have never been that good at dieting, but good at starving myself.

The western culture seems to thrive on diets. (obsession)

The scale has never been a realistic tool for me. I cannot determine what is the difference between 98 pounds and 130 pounds they look the same in the mirror. I did not have a realistic view of my body when I was pregnant either. Quite honestly, I thought I looked skinnier pregnant with the twins. Explain that! No clue. I thought I was huge with Joshua. See no rhyme or reason to this stuff for me. I found several resources that I plan to devote more time to, but skimmed over today. One was this HEALTHY BODY IMAGE Teaching Kids to Eat and Love Their Bodies Too There is a lot in this, but I am sharing some info about dieting.

Dieting as a solution

There is widespread agreement that, for those who want to lose weight, dieting (eating according
to a prescribed plan to limit food intake with the goal of weight loss) should be part of the
formula. As previously noted, dieting has become a normative eating style in the United States.

The diet mentality remains strong despite significant empirical data and clinical outcomes
showing that restricting calories or food groups for the purpose of weight loss is
counterproductive for weight loss in the long run. In fact, for mentally well individuals, dieting
for weight loss reliably produces results that are not only contrary to sustained weight loss but
frequently result in weight gain. Studies show that dieting behaviors consistently and reliably
lead to:

  • ƒ An increased preoccupation with food and difficulty concentrating on anything else.
  • ƒ A dramatic increase in food cravings, especially for calorie-dense foods, such as sugars
  • and fats.
  • ƒ Irritability and depression.
  • ƒ Decreased metabolic rate.

In the documentary Darryl  Roberts is addressing many issues about dieting and body image in the U.S.

I wanted to shout and get on a blasting horn sharing with people about men who have eating disorders. There is such a stigma and young boys, and men alike are suffering from eating disorders. Their image and appearance is becoming just as important this day, as it has been for girls and women for all of these years. It is something that needs to be talked about and addressed. Eating disorders cause you to live in secret, depression, and shame. Not only that if you have an eating disorder that helps keep you skinny people think it is a good thing. If you are thin, the lie that has been sold to us is that “thin people are healthy.” Believe me there are many thin people out there who are not healthy.

We all have to find our balance. 

Healthy bodies are a spectrum. There is no perfect mold. The thing that matters is accepting yourself right now. After, all of the false ideals, images, stigmas, and comparisons start to fall at your feet then; you can see the beauty and talents that have been there all along. (Waiting to explode and enhance because they finally get the attention they should have had from the beginning .) It may take a change in diet and lifestyle to help the body feel better, and the mind feel more balanced, but it should not become an obsession or a false hope that everything in life will be better now that the body has changed. The mind has to get healthy too. I do not understand why there is so much appreciation for “beauty” instead of intelligence, or talents. Our body images need to become healthy. How do we even determine a healthy way of thinking about body image? I am seeking information on that now. I hope I am making sense, I do not mean to offend anyone. I have seemed to lose my train of thought.

I will end here with some resources and hope that it helps. 

I provide these finds for you to read if interested. I have not read all of them all the way through some I have skimmed, but I will be reading them as I continue to process. They may be a load of hooey or some really great information. I believe I found several great resources – I am only forewarning in case anyone reads something that seems off. I started to get a bit miffed at all of the articles accusing mothers only so I went in search for father influences as well. I am disturbed by the lack of information about boys and men and the fact that eating disorders seem to be only categorized in society’s mind as anorexia and bulimia. Binge eating does not seem to pop in people’s mind when thinking of eating disorders. I decided to read up on it.

“Binge Eating Disorder (BED) is a type of eating disorder not otherwise specified and is characterized by recurrent binge eating without the regular use of compensatory measures to counter the binge eating.” 

Binge Eating Disorder

Understanding Compulsive Overeating (c) Copyright by Judy Lightstone

Eating Disorders in Men

“For years, eating disorders have been viewed as a “white woman’s disease.” And estimates of male eating disorders told a similar story: while the majority of women suffered from eating disorders, only about 10 percent of men did.

Recent research, however, paints a different, bigger picture: more men are suffering from eating disorders than previously thought. Out of 3,000 people with anorexia and bulimia, 25 percent were men (and 40 percent had binge eating disorder), according to a Harvard study.”

Find specific information regarding eating disorders in men and boys.

“While women are more commonly affected by eating disorders, more than a million men and boys battle the illness every day.”

Children and Eating Disorders:A Review of the Literature Emily Major

Healthy body image: Tips for guiding girls

“Make sure your daughter knows that she can always come to you with questions or concerns about her body or self-image.”

Encouraging a Healthy Body Image

Gaining A Healthy Body Image

“More than anyone else, you know your body, and you’re the only one who can determine what foods, exercise programs and amounts of rest will allow you to function in optimal health. Begin making the choices that will lead you there.”

Your Daughter’s Eating Disorder Is Your Fault

How Do Mothers Contribute to Their Daughter’s Eating Disorders and Weight Concerns?

Vicious cycles: mothers, daughters, eating disorders

Dads may influence eating disorders

“The study found that fathers have an important influence on their daughter’s perceptions of their weight and shape during childhood. In fact, they appeared to have a particular influence when it came to the eating disorder, bulimia.”

The Perceived Influence of a Father on His Daughter’s Development

“Available fathers who talked to, praised, and responded to their daughters boost their girls’ social responsiveness and positive feeling about self beyond the level of those girls whose fathers were uninvolved” (Krohn & Bogan, 2001, Secure Foundations section, ¶ 1). A girl’s body image is significantly affected by the culture in which she lives but also by the way men in her life view her and other women. It is far less likely for a girl who has a loving, praising father to succumb to an eating disorder in order to feel better about herself.”

Influence of Parental Eating Disorder on Children

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07/22/12

Food Stuff, Diets Egad! Movie & Documentary I

My mind has been looping and stirring about body image. (As we all know.) Last week, when my sister and nieces came to visit I was struck again with the body image damaging behavior that is rampant in my family. They do not even realize that they are doing it. My niece who is 13 years old showed some comparison behaviors that sent red flags immediately. (It could only be typical teenage behavior, but my family is already prone to this is so I am highly sensitive.) I was ticked off when my sister was watching Ariel flop and flip on our chair and said, “Dang! Look at her abs and she is only seven!” I quickly rebutted with our limited diet and how active the kids are. It is pointless to go into any deep conversations about anything because well…

I got the look from everyone as if I was depriving my children by forcing them to eat “healthy.”

I looked at them and said, “My kids are not deprived. Come on, they get gluten-free Oreo’s, cake and stuff. We get burgers and fries from restaurants.” I felt like I should feel guilty for some reason. I hate that. The main thing that has been taught in this household is that food is an energy source. If we want to feel good and have energy we need to make sure we are eating foods and drinking things that achieve that for our bodies. We want our brains to be focused and alert. We want to feel connected to our food. We do not feel we should eliminate everything things in moderation makes sense. I am not even going into the issue that I have about my daughter’s body image already being pointed out. Leave her alone! I do not want her to even start thinking about that nonsense.

We consciously think about our food.

We are not hyper obsessive, calorie counting, and no sugar; eat only organic, raw foods type of people. I have done a lot of observing with my kids. I have taken notes, and watched their behaviors when they eat certain types of foods. I know my kids and how food and drinks affect them. I think it is very important and until they are old enough to make these decisions for themselves, I will decide for them. I do not buy much junk food, I do get some types of chips, but frankly, I do not find pleasure in eating foods that others find enjoyable. I do not care for soda, in addition to feeling like I am wasting money on empty calories. But that is me, who cares what I am doing!

I have talked about this before, but it really gets me upset.

My kids are happy, healthy, and perfectly fine without any of that stuff. Personally, I would rather spend my money on other things. I do not see the point in giving my kids sugary drinks when they are happy with water. They are happy with 100% fruit juices and no additional sugars added. They are happy with my blueberry muffins made with a little bit of honey. Why would I want to change that, especially when I do not eat that way? I try to buy foods that I know will satisfy them because they eat A LOT! My purpose for food choices I think are logical, I am not a stickler or judgmental toward others. However, I do take offensive when I feel like I am being judged.

I think it is silly to judge me for the choices I make when the person clearly has a choice in what they purchase. 

It is their choice what foods they like, or what they want to spend their money on. People seem to get awkward when they eat sweets, or certain foods around. They never ask me why I am not eating it, or why I have politely refuse to have some. I only receive a look and then, an awkward feel sometimes accompanied with rude comments such as, “I guess that is why you are so lanky.” I have to say no for my kids because I know what it will be like in our household after the consumption. (I usually bring back up food or snacks anyway.) The majority of the time I do not eat foods because they make me terribly ill. I get sick to my stomach, have bathroom problems for days, cannot sleep, or the sight/smell/taste genuinely is making me feel icky. It has nothing to do with discipline, or me wanting to be a healthy eater. My body forces me to be like this on many occasions. My kids suffer from many of these symptoms as well.

I used to eat anything and everything – I had energy, stomach, and mood problems ALL the time. 

I see food as my batteries for my body and mind. I need it to survive and I will use it to get the most energy I can. I am a person of habit when it comes to food for sure. I eat the same breakfast every morning, the same lunch, a variety of different dinners, but with the staples of protein, starch, and veggies. As a snack, if you asked me whether I wanted a bag of chips or a rice cake, I would take the rice cake. Why? Apparently, my taste buds prefer cardboard. :-)  It used to be a means of control, but now I am seeing that I really enjoy these types of foods. Gluten-free foods taste good to me. I would prefer them to southern fried foods any day.

I do enjoy spicy food that feel fresh and clean.

I am referring to things like peppers, or cayenne pepper on things. I have sensory issues with greasy foods, and sweets as well such as them leaving a film on my tongue and teeth, or the grease smelling a certain way. Foods like salad, rice, some fruits do not. They do not upset my stomach either, not sure why spicy stuff does not make me sick. There is no rhyme or reason to my body. It would seem that my taste buds are much like my emotions happy – sad at the same time, bland - spicy at the same time, nothing in between. I got completely sidetracked. The reason I was stuck on food is that it connects to the two movies I watched yesterday morning. (I actually wrote a lot of this yesterday, but I could not publish I was very fragile yesterday.)

The movies made my tears come out in a volcanic eruption.

I finally watched Disfigured and America the Beautiful 2: The Thin Commandments. I could possibly devote two entire posts to these movies, but I need to process the emotions and thoughts I am feeling in the moment. In Disfigured, it went into a direction I had not expected at all. At first, I was trying to get through the awkwardness, and the “indie” type feel that seems to be consuming movies lately. I was also confused by many of the social interactions going on. I did what I normally do and tried to grab hold of the concepts and ultimate goal of the movie instead of trying to figure out what they meant by their odd phone conversations. I was not sure what to expect really, but I did not expect the heavier woman to ask for “anorexic lessons” for real. I think it played out well though. Heads up: There was a sex scene that I fast-forwarded through; I was not in the mood for any of that. I do see the value of what they were trying to convey in the scenes. I would have fast-forwarded any sex scenes because it stirs emotions that I cannot explain.

The other thing is the anorexic woman says, “I am socially retarded. I do not know what other people do.”

I do not think this was an inappropriate use of the word in regards to the context of the character as a whole. However, I know that others are sensitive to the misuse of the “R-word” and I would hate for someone to watch it and be unaware that the word is used. I did not see it as offensive, but others may feel differently. There is so much packed into this movie. I am not sure even where to begin or filter my thoughts. I think it was worth it to watch. I think it deals with some hard issues. I think it exposes people’s prejudice and stigmas that forebodes our society. It reveals how many of us suffer in silence whatever our eating disorders.

It gives perspective of how we need to change our perspective toward people.

The scene that caused me to lose it was, when the heavier woman confronted the anorexic woman about expressing herself. She tells her to cry, or scream and the anorexic woman says, “I can’t do that.” When she said that, my head flood with all of the years that I have hidden my tears. I would not allow myself to cry. I just spoke with my aunt last night she has been having a hard time too, she said, “I will not let myself cry.” I would not eat in front of people, (still at times) I would not feel, or let anyone know my thoughts. I controlled my food intake as well as my emotional intake, and release.

I watched the woman lose it, get angry, scream, and cry.

It took the prodding of her friend to send her over. I watched her lie in her friends lap as she was held, I think for the first time in a genuine caring way. I had flashes of last summer when I laid curled up in a ball on the floor sobbing, not knowing what to do with the intense feelings. The feelings that I have controlled and kept hidden unleashing themselves. I confess religion was a great way for me to stifle emotions. It helped me focus on helping others, and not to help myself. As I watched the movie, I could relate to the anorexic woman very much, there were many things that were familiar. I was never a calorie counter, or obsessive about foods – I would just stop eating. I would binge eat, and then stop eating thinking I had eaten enough for a few days. I used diet pills and cigarettes back in the day. I would be limited on funds and cigarettes were always a priority over food. Insane.

I cannot really write anymore about this movie, it’s too much to process.

Food Stuff, Diets Egad! Movie & Documentary II…

 

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07/19/12

Ariel With Her Sweet, Sweet Heart

Last night, when all was settled and I was sitting with the kids before brushing teeth time, all the sudden I was alone in the living room. A few minutes later Ariel came back with one of the Barbies. It was from an angel collection called Timeless Sentiments® Collection. I have several angelic Barbies. She put it on the counter right next to where I was and said, “Sometimes you look like this to me.”

I laughed and asked, “You think I look like an angel or the Barbie?”

She said, “I think you look like this Barbie sometimes, with gold wings and a gold crown like hers.” I was rather shocked and unsure what that meant, but she was being serious and I did not want to ruin it. Our conversation went on.

Me: She is the Angel of Joy, did you know that?

Ariel: Yes, I read that and thought of you.

Me: You think I show joy?

Ariel: Yes, she was the one that I think you look like. Sometimes I see your hair shine, and instead of a light colored rose you have a very red rose. A very dark red rose.

Me: Wow, thank you Ariel that is very sweet.

She climbed up in my lap and we cuddled while the boys hung out with David in his room. 

(Remember she is not a cuddler.) I had no idea what made her think of that, or why she said it. My mind doesn’t just except things like that so it went into a puzzle finding process. I came to the conclusion that she must have heard me on the phone with my aunt feeling sad, explaining the Barbie meltdown. I did not let the kids see me so upset, I hid it very well and wrote a poem trying to get my intense emotions out from everything I have been feeling the last few days. I had hoped she did not hear me – those types of things can be confusing to a kid if overheard and not explained.

Today while we were outside I decided to ask her if she heard me. 

She said, “No, why what were you talking about?” I told her that I was a little sad about the Barbies and I wished that she could see them. She said she was a bit sad too because she would like to see them. However, she had not seen me cry, or heard me on the phone. Her inspiration for sharing that with me was all her “feeling” it in the moment. Possibly her empathy felt me, and that was her way of cheering me up. Who knows. What I do know is that my little girl has the sweetest heart. I love the way she sees the world and how she sees people.

I never want that to be disturbed – EVER! :-)  

 

 

As much as I do not think I look like Barbie and do not really want to, I have no qualms with my little girl seeing me as a joyful Angel. That makes me smile some pretty big smiles. :-D

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07/18/12

Barbie Meltdown!

Barbie Meltdown: Pain wrenching feeling as if your heart is ripping out with some phantom pain, packed with tears, irrational thoughts, rage, and fears.

This is what happens to one, who was a Barbie collector, when she does not know how to process her emotions, has had entirely too much social interaction with no downtime, is still not on a regular schedule, children having meltdowns with a side of constant bickering between two whose bickering spirals another child that has no clue about sibling bickering into an emotional frenzy, as well as one who used to be a  Barbie collector – receiving three boxes of her Barbie collection only to discover that they are not her cherished LOVED and ADORED prized possessions such as her Bob Mackie, Eliza Doolittle, Holiday Barbie, or 1950′s remake collections.

Yes, I admit I had a meltdown over Barbie’s – please do not judge. 

I am wholeheartedly (sort of) embarrassed by this, but I feel like my behavior is one that could help others understand. I will start with social stuff. My sister and my niece were in town last week and they visited with us. I have not been able to get the kids and me on a schedule at all. They are going to bed much later than they used to and I am having problems going to sleep. As a matter-of-fact, I do not want to! I am getting very frustrated with having Daniel so dependent on me to go to bed. I do not want to go to bed at 9 o’clock at night and I do not like the fact that he is refusing to go to bed unless I go to bed with him.

Last night I refused and made him go to bed without me. 

Again, please do not judge (at least, too harshly) no one knows what it is like in someone else’s home and I am well aware that Daniel is 7 years old. However, if he does not sleep and I do not sleep it is not good for anyone. He was so socially exhausted from yesterday that he fell asleep, and was very proud this morning saying, “Hey, mom I went to bed all by myself and I went to sleep.” Progress. Although, he is refusing to get into the car even after I found him some motion sickness medicine that he could take. He is afraid to take it and has informed me that he is never getting into a car again. :-)

My sister, step mom, and two nieces came in town on Monday. 

They “popped” by when they got into town, they had forewarned me that they were coming into town. There was no time given. They said that they tried to call, but I did not answer. I was giving the kids their baths. I did prepare the kids by saying that they may come by. The anticipation of not knowing when or if was causing all of us to be unsettled. My step mom had not seen us in about 4 years, I believe, so I really wanted to see her, and my other niece I had not seen in five years. I was happy to see them. To my surprise my step mom brought my Barbies.

Back-story:

I had a huge Barbie collection, when I moved to the West about 9 years ago… I think, I gave away some of my Barbie’s to my sisters. My youngest I gave the majority of them to. (It was my way of trying to stay connected.) She did not want them, and has voiced her “dislike” toward them rather strongly, according to my dad. I did not understand at the time her utter dislike for them, so they sat in my dad’s garage all of these years. A few years ago dad asked me if I wanted them for Ariel. I decided that I would take them back even though Ariel showed no interest in Barbie. We were never able to send money to get them and dad never got the funds either. When it was final that we were moving here, the plan would be for them to bring them on one of their visits. (They visit here often.)

SO my step mom brought them for me. 

I did not remember how many, or which ones I had until I opened the boxes this morning and pulled them out. As I did, my memory flooded and I started to get excited. I did not collect Barbie’s because of the typical reasons. I collected the dolls from different eras, or Eliza Doolittle because I love Audrey Hepburn or Sugarplum Fairy because of my obsession with The Nutcracker as a child. All of them had specific memories attached. I attached positive memories to my Barbies. I kept them all in their boxes neatly lined up on shelves in the second bedroom of my apartments.

It was my quiet place. 

They were neat and orderly, set perfectly just like my books. I collected black-and-white cows too and if they came in a box, I did not take them out. Friends and family would give many of my objects of collections to me. This would tag additional happy memories for me. As I pulled out the Barbies, I realized how many were not there. I could not even enjoy the ones I had. I felt sick, sad, hurt, as if something had been taken from me. I was fighting these feelings because Ariel actually liked them. She really liked the Barbies I had, she said, “These look different from other ones I have seen. I like these.”

When she sat on the floor looking at them she said, “I want to give these to my daughter.”

It struck me that those are all I have to give, I have books and Barbie to hand down. That is it. The collecting of Barbies started because one Christmas my mom had no money at all to get me presents. (I am not sure if I have shared the fullness of this story, sorry if it is a repeat.) The personnel manager at the store she worked at discovered that we had no money for gifts. She gave my mom money and refused my mom’s attempts to decline. My mom took the money and being the crafty one she is, she went to a thrift store and bought all of their Barbie dolls. She cleaned them up and took her scrap fabrics from the clothes she made us, and made boxes full of Barbie clothes for my dolls.

Christmas morning when I came out the tree had Barbies hanging all over it. 

She had also wrapped several of them with the clothes and it was one of the best Christmas mornings I ever had. I did not know the story until I was much older – I thought Santa Claus did it. Santa Claus…Urg! :-) My collecting of Barbies is connected to that memory. My Barbies have been much more than merely liking them. After discovering my childhood home being gone the other day, then not having the dolls that I love, triggered some deep pains. They are the most important ones because my mom was the one who gave me a Holiday Barbie every year for the longest time. The old movie and fashion ones are reminders of my mom.

The happy memories of my mom. 

They trigger good things when I am triggered by bad memories. I would have been better off never seeing any of them. I freaked out this morning without full knowledge of what I am sharing now. This post is helping me process. I wrote a text message to my step mom asking if she knew where they were, but I knew I sounded frantic. I am not sure how I would have responded in the past, but this time I caught myself. I realized that I was experiencing some intense emotions from the past few days. I had been on the phone with my mom’s friend who is going to see her this weekend, my grandma called, my mom called, (I could not talk) my sister and nieces came over yesterday and were here for several hours.

I was cranky and unfiltered saying whatever flew out of my mouth. 

This morning I woke up feeling sick, tired, and anxiety about my conversations yesterday. I cannot remember anything I said! When I am like that, I can say some pretty nutty things! Then, I had to go to Wal-Mart last night. I wore my headphones listened to my music and danced thinking happy thoughts. I also bought some soft zebra print shorts to make me feel better. I have been wearing them and my cog-like furry boots all day. Hee hee

I was able to stop myself from sending the text. 

I thought to myself, “Angel, she is taking her mother to the doctor; you need to put things into perspective.” Barbie freak out (meltdown) needed to stop. I have still been looping about it all day and feeling heartbroken. I was not sure why until I put all of the pieces together. Daniel is having a hard time and that takes a lot out of me too. I am still unpacking and organizing/cleaning. That helps me feel better though. I will wait and ask if my step mom knows where the other dolls are. I hope they still have them for Ariel she will really like them. They are very cool dolls. If they are gone, I wish I could have had a proper good-bye. I have been under the impression that they were all in the garage. I opened up some of the dolls for Ariel, like the teacher Barbie and some other ones. We took them out of the box!!

She has been playing with them all day. 

The prince in Beauty and The Beast arrested teacher Barbie because she was doing black magic and making all the other Barbies crazy. (Mean crazy) Apparently, if you are going to do black magic you are not allowed to make people go crazy. I asked her what she thought black magic was she said it is when you use it in the wrong way, but it can be turned good with red magic. She said that she made up black magic and she has never heard of it. Funny. I will have to have her create her own book of definitions so we know what different types of magic there are. :-)

My aunt called me and asked how I was doing. 

I felt all right talking to her and my grandma today, but still that is a lot of talking. I was happy to see my family, I want to see them, but it has taken so much out of me. I cannot stand it when my brain is like this it gets stuck and loses its creative flow. I am being hit with other emotions too. I lost my one friend I had where we used to live. I emailed her before we left; I tried to get in contact with her. I wanted to see her on many occasions, but she started a new job and I had so much going on. I hate when people just stop. I forget that they move on while I think everything is fine and dandy. I think we will just pick up right where we left off. My brain goes on pause, and they have grown out of me. I do not give them enough attention, I give them too much attention, I do not know what I do… I cannot seem to keep friends.

I hate it sometimes. 

I wish they would just tell me instead of leaving me hanging. I will not pick up the social cues. I will not understand. I get hurt, devastated, confused, and then loop about what I did wrong. It is not because I want to! Gosh! Just tell me you are done so I can move on. Such a flux of thoughts going on here. I am afraid I do not have a filter so who knows if I am making any sense. My point? If someone has a major meltdown, or shutdown that seems completely idiotic to you, try to consider all of the things wrapped up into that silly eruption of emotions. I guarantee the surface of the meltdown is only scraping the multitudes of what is really going on.

Ending on a happy note pictures!!! 

Oh, but really quick. I thought about the self-image thing and Barbie. As for me I never thought about comparing myself to Barbie, or thinking that I wanted to look like her. It never occurred to me to think that way until others brought that up. My thoughts were she is a doll, why would I want to look like a doll. I never compared myself to a baby doll. However, I do not know if there are subliminal messages that tapped into my brain somewhere and made me feel like I should look like her. Who knows! There are all kinds of things going on in my brain that I am unaware of. :-)

 

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07/17/12

They Are Gone… It’s Gone…

Since arriving here, in my hometown, I have felt a calling to go check out my home where I grew up for most of my childhood. I was not sure what this pull was, but it would not stop and I had to go. I was able to go yesterday morning. I wanted to take the kids with me – Ariel and Joshua went. Daniel is refusing to get in the car; there was a morning of meltdown at the mention of me taking him. Finally, David said that he would keep him so I could go. It has since been discovered, after the calm down, and pieces put together Daniel is afraid of getting carsick.

He said that he felt sick when we went to my aunts, which is only 10 minutes away.

However, he did not say any of this clearly, it started with him saying, “I wish the car didn’t move up and down.” I admit in the morning I was not all that sympathetic because he refused to answer me, speak, and was screaming to interrupt me every time I tried to figure out what was going on. I have my days; I fail to interpret, after all had settled I asked Daniel if he understood why I was frustrated. He said that he did not, I explained that I was frustrated because I did not understand and that if I knew he was getting car sick and afraid of throwing up again it would have made sense to me. I also expressed very clearly that I was not upset at him, but the situation and not being able to figure out what was wrong.

I also told him that I understood that he did not know how to tell me and that made him sigh.

It seemed like a sigh of relief; he was all smiles after that so I am hoping I am correct. I am going to look into motion sickness medicine for him, I am not sure if he can take it, and try to transition back into car riding. Slow and steady like. I used to always get car sick, but I would fall asleep that is how I dealt with it. I fell asleep in the car all the time – it drove my mom batty. She did not understand why I did that, especially when it was a five or ten minute drive. I think it mostly bothered her because I did not sleep any other time. At home I was up from the crack of dawn to wee wee dark and eerie hours. :-)

Back to the story…

So off we went to the journey of my childhood. It was a strange feeling seeing so many familiar things mixed with new unknown things. In a way, I had expected everything to be just as I left it when I was a 13-year-old girl. When I left, I never wanted to see it again. This place held the largest chunk of my bullying. It was dark, and evil. However, it was beautiful, and full my pleasant memories of my mom and me. (Others may not think they were all that pleasant, but I do.) It was a giant monster with tentacle arms that swung around grabbing and clawing at me spewing the words of mean little children, and boys hurting me, or destroying my belongings.

It was the most gorgeous place on the planet.

Surrounded by lush greenery, encamping a small world that outsiders did not know. It has dirt, rocks, speed bumps, gravel, cracks, hills, critters, and books and books of tales that were formed in my imagination with my stuffed animals, while Barbie and her friends happily watched. After, I had dressed them in their proper attire, and placed them in lines against my wall. I could never pull out stories for Barbie and Ken, but I could for my favorite yellow stuffed turtle, while sniffing a Strawberry Shortcake figure.

When I got to the entrance, it was different.

What seemed like miles and miles away was a rather short distance from the mailboxes. My bus stop had LOST its rocks! There used to be huge rocks at the entrance, possibly not so huge, but they were to me and I loved them so much. I would soak into them at the bus stop trying to ignore the other kids. I stared at their lines and details, I rubbed them and caressed when no one was looking, AND they are gone! Except for a small one in comparison that was sitting there all alone.

A part of me felt gone.

 

I felt so odd.

I decided to keep going to the place that held all of the mailboxes. This was the place we had to stay sheltered from the rain, the snow; I would try to cower in here some days so the mean boys would not see me. I had flashes of so many memories. My possessions being destroyed, being hit with rocks or words, mocked, told how ugly, or stupid I was. People saying mean things about my mom because she was a single parent. Things about my dad because he was not around. My birthmark the butt of all kinds of jokes, the group of kids laughs covering me, consuming me, and me shutting down into a stare. The transition from this into laughing and mocking myself before they could…

It all unraveled before my eyes here.

 

 

I took my picture and drove on.

As I drove to the very back of the trailer park, I felt the words of my past evaporating. I watched them turning to smoke and leaving. I was not sure what that meant, but that was what my mind was doing. I still felt the ache from the bullies, but their gargantuan words that used to take over my brain were disappearing. Driving through I remembered so many details. I remembered where I walked, rode my bike, studied critters, collected rocks, played with gravel from the street falling apart, the cracks I followed leading me to butterflies.

I remembered my childhood world.

 

 

As I turned the corner to get to my lot, my heart fell.

The huge dirt hills, the lush grand trees, the never-ending turning cul-da-sac was abruptly stopped. There was a wall of a fence and homes were destroying the once amazing view and home to all kinds of critters. Then, I lost my words. My home was gone! My lot was empty! My HUGE yard was not huge at all. My swamp that was center for Frogville had dried up and weeds replaced it. My driveway had shrunk and was being eaten by cracks and weeds. My shed that was a grand castle complete with moat and drawbridge – GONE!

I had been erased!

 

 

“OMG! I really do not exist!”

Were the words that pierced my brain for a moment, until I heard my kids laughing. I got out of the car and took pictures. All of my memories felt as if they were swallowed up into a black hole. The chunk of my life, the childhood that I had so tightly held onto was captured in some tornado of the past. I did not know how I felt. I wanted to cry. My body was numb. I did not realize how attached I was to that trailer, and our lot. I hated it and loved it at the same time.

Now all I have are the memories of my childhood, with no concrete object. :-)

 

 

And I heard the giggles in the back seat.

I got in the car and Ariel asked, “What’s wrong mom?” I said, “Well my home is gone. My hills are gone, everything is gone.” Her and Joshua both were not too concerned and informed me that we have a home. I am so glad I took them with me. I was not sure what I was feeling I am still a bit thrown by the whole thing, but they surrounded me with joy. Their uncontrollable giggling and singing on the way home drown out any residue from negative associations.

I drove away hearing the bullies and the hurt disappear.

I felt my sad heart filling with tears at the thought of my childhood home being gone, but I was also filled with delight that my childhood home was no longer frightening. The pain that once stood in that place was not there. All of the fears, aches, hurt of a little Angel who had to become an adult very quickly went into their proper place. What was left was the happy memories and all of the great things that did happen… the moments with my mom, my imagination running wild, dances and concerts I put on, my yard that was a gymnastics mat, my porch with a rinky-dink 3 foot pool that I refused to get out of, the fire flies that sang with me at night – those are some of the memories that live on.

The bullies are long gone, and their words do not live here anymore.

I have a new home and it is not in a painful past. It is in a promising future. I am still feeling heartache about this. I am not sure why. It could be the unexpectedness of it. I had expected to see my home, and my woods that I loved so much. I was not prepared for them to be gone. It felt like they were ripped off the face of the planet, and I sat there feeling the open wounds. I know I am dramatic, but that is what it felt like. I think this was very good for me. I am happy that I went and I realized that the big scary monsters were no longer there. They had vanished without a trace, and so did their words that had attached themselves to me. They are gone, and so is the past that hurt me so much. Don’t get me wrong I still feel the pains, I still live with the damage that happened, but it does not control my thoughts or me.

It is slowly, (starting rapidly) to leave my mind and new thoughts are taking over. :-)  

Daniel Loving the Swing

Ariel the Hunter

Joshua Hanging Around

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