I do not understand my mind’s timing at all! Well I do, but I have been trying very hard not to get into serious emotional changes or dealings at this time. I was hoping to keep myself on lighter types of thoughts. However, it seems there are major triggers that are associated with my family, and my self-image. My self-image as a whole has been heavily damaged due to family and my experiences during my childhood.
I think I was trying to avoid these truths.
I am processing it all now. There are so many things intertwined with these issues that it is very hard to sit down and write out my thoughts. I had planned to do so quickly, but I ended up with almost 3000 words and me in tears. Not bad tears - overwhelming tears. They were mixed of pain and healing. That was only my first draft of processing. It is too fresh and I need to edit. I feel really good about it though. I have narrowed down certain triggers and realized that many of the feelings that I am attacked with are not my fears or insecurities at all.
I am still disappointed in some things.
I realized that I truly need to have more reinforcement that is positive in the area of appearance. Not to be told that I am beautiful all the time – nothing like that! I need to learn how to see myself properly, and I need to know what I really look like because I have no clue whatsoever. I cannot look in the mirror, and the only way that I have ever known how to gauge myself was how others perceived me and how I perceived what they were saying, or how they were treating me.
This is not a good gauge.
I have no idea how to feel comfortable with myself, or know how to see myself. I guess I will start researching ways to do that. Self-image is either nonexistent for me, or incredibly negative. Good news is I see it now, I understand many of my issues, and I can properly work through them. I think this explains my need for seeking information about how the body works and my recent fixation with learning about skin. I have been a little obsessive about skin. It is because I feel so detached from mine. I do not feel like I am in my body some days, and my skin looks foreign to me always. I do not want to get into that now though.
I will save it for my other post.
Instead, guess what? We found another house! Should be signing the lease in the next couple of days and moving in June 28th or so. I made sure to check everything this time. (They are painting the inside of the other other house, and offered for us to move in. I declined.) I actually saw this house first, but it was too expensive so I did not give it another thought. Then, last week they dropped the price so I sent my grandma out to go check it out and everything was good. Yay! Yay! Sigh…sigh… I am so sad to be leaving my mom and the ocean. I have taken the kids to the beach the last two days.
I had to use it to help Daniel focus on something else.
He is not doing very well – his anxiety and excitement are starting to get to be too much. He is all right as long as I give him the hope of the ocean a couple of hours each day. It is taking time out of other things that I need to be doing, but it is helping the kids and me so I figure it is worth it. I will just have to work smarter and faster. I can do it! That was my pep talk. I am feeling really good right now. I did not realize how much stuff was all bottled up inside of me about my body image.
I will add my mental image as well.
By mental image I mean how I allowed, or took on certain ideas about myself based on how others perceived my thoughts, or actions. I realized just how much I had accepted negative thoughts about me because someone else called me stupid, or incapable. Another person treated me badly and I automatically assumed it had to be me. My mental image has been just as dysmorphed as my body image. Man, oh man I have just had a huge load lift from me.
So now, I will leave with beach pictures and happy thoughts!
