It has been raining here for days – last night was an incredible storm. I tried to catch the lightening with my camera, but it is only a Canon digital that gets some random great shots – on the rare occasion. Still I love my camera, I do plan to upgrade to a more professional type, eventually. One day…
I left for a moment day dreaming I am back.
I stood out my front door waiting to see a black racer visit me – I guess he is still in the back or meandered back to the pond on the other side of the street. I did not see him. I did see lightening flashes and bolts of lightning blasting through the purple sky. It was amazing! There are not many storms like that around here – where I am moving to though there are some very intense storms and tornadoes that blast through leaving debris of destruction from its path of merriment.
I tend to be fearless when it comes to storms.
I like chasing after lightening, listening to thunder, counting, waiting for the blasts in the sky. I find it amusing that I can sleep through a category five hurricane, or insane pounding tropical storms that sound like it is going to shatter my windows, but people scare the heck out of me. It makes no sense, some days I am in disbelief at my own fear to leave a comment on a person’s blog.
Other days I leave a ton and I am perfectly fine.
Then, there are those days when I leave a comment feeling fine, only later to be attacked with impending fear! Fear of what? I am not exactly sure. This “displeasing feeling of fear and concern” can be overwhelming and make no sense. I am sucked away by it when I have an irrational feeling that someone, or groups of people are thinking of me in a certain way.
I have no idea what people are thinking that is why this is irrational.
Better yet, why am I worried about what someone who does not know me at all thinks? I do not know, but for some reason it can cause stressors that lead to anxiety. Actually, I do know somewhat. It comes from years of being bullied, abused, misunderstood, and confused… those are some reasons. I would like to brush me off as foolish just as others have with me. It would be much easier to say that I am only being silly, irrational, stupid, whatever you would like to call it. It is not that easy for me – my brain is wired like this. My brain is unable to find the balance and rational emotional transitions that others are so easily capable of doing.
Some people can comment on blogs and not think anything of it.
I think that is part of my problem as well. I DO think about it. It means a lot to me when I comment. It means a lot to me when I talk to someone. It means a lot to me to allow anyone in my life whether through a short blogging interaction or in real life. To me it is all real.
I know others do not feel that way and I am ok with that.
I understand how the internet works. I know my mind thinks differently in this area, and sometimes I wish it were easier for me. Partly, because I get so tired of explaining why I am thinking these thoughts, or having people not understand. I am tired of people thinking that I can “just get over it.” I do not understand why a person would think I purposely want to be afraid of talking to someone on the phone. It would make my life easier if I did not feel anxiety about the phone.
I wish it did not mean so much to me when I click the “like” button. I wish I did not enjoy people so much. I wish I did not connect with words, images, ideals, that people share on their blogs. However, I do. Today was a big day for me in this area. I do understand that this can sound very foolish to those who do not understand anxiety disorders, but whether someone understands or not, it is my reality and the reality for others who have anxiety issues.
It may not be like mine – we all have own issues.
Back to today, I left a comment on a blog that is not one of my special interests, without a thought. I just did it. I did not lose any part of myself. I did have a momentary panic attack and then, I thought, “Who cares!” I did it, it’s ok, and I lost nothing. I gained a feeling of fearlessness.
My heart loves to chase after storms.
I am not a person who fears a lot that is why it is so disturbing to me that I have been plagued by this anxiety my whole life. There were times when I would starve rather than walk into a grocery store alone. Yet, I would ride my bike, or walk home at all hours of the night. I would be terrified to pick up the phone to make a doctor’s appointment, or order a pizza, but I would get into men’s faces ready to pounce in a fistfight when they ticked me off.
It makes no sense.
Anxiety is such an oddity in my life. I do not understand it, and that confusion can cause more anxiety. I am swelled with panic when going to new places, or meeting new people, but I can go to another country taking four different flights all alone. It feels very frustrating at times. I get frustrated that I cannot trump this anxiety and make it stop. I am getting better creating new positive scripts, but I know that it will not stop. I know that if my sensory issues are heightened – I could be set off by the smell of my garage.
It happens to smell like butterscotch right now and it is making me angry!
So what anxiety-ridden issue will rear its head tomorrow? I do not know, but today I overcame a moment of anxiety. I got on the phone and called the property people ready to take action tired of them messing with us. I decided my new career path, and I am going for it. Anxiety may be ingrained into me, but I have concluded that it can be a good thing.
My anxiety stirs me to be creative.
I can write out my irrational fears and thoughts. It gives me reason to tap into my thoughts that help motivate art, silliness, and writing about things that the logical part of my mind likes to keep tied down. My anxiety has opened me up to learn about my emotions and what they really mean to me. My fears of rejection, losing people that I love, being all alone, feeling like I am trapped, or the multiple other worrisome thoughts that ring in my head forces me to pull from deep parts of my soul. I pull from it now, I no longer submit to it. I am running after my anxiety storm knowing full well that it sucks, but great things can come out of my storms.
Picture time! (Before the storm and a little during. There was a rainbow, but you can barely see it.)