No worries, I am ok – just extremely fatigued. I am not negative looping, but I am “worry” looping. I do not even know how to word what I am trying say today. I do know that I need to write this stuff out to help me. The last few weeks have been non-stop stuff. Social stuff, emotional stuff, trying to move stuff, stuff, stuff, stuff. I like the word stuff. (Double f) I have been doing pretty well. After Sunday with the snake, and going to the movies, the next thing that went on was the realtor receiving the check for the deposit on the house and the contract coming our way. I ended up having several more questions, but also felt like everything was going smoothly so I should just go with it and did not think anything was wrong. However, you know that nudge you get sometimes? Well, I had it with no clarification and besides I just wanted a house so I could move forward.
The contract was sent on Tuesday and I read it once.
I started to sign it, but then hesitated. There were a couple of things that popped out, but they usually have these types of things in a lease so I didn’t think much of it. I had the house, it was done, so that meant I could move forward with all of the other plans I had floating in my head. I was making my lists and getting settled. However, I woke up yesterday morning and decided to read it again nothing major struck me, but I had the words “lead paint” flash through my head. I went to see when the house was built and it was 1962. They were using lead paint. I know my guys are over the standard age for some of the concerns of lead paint, but I am not willing to take any chances. I asked the realtor specific questions and basically made it clear that I needed honest answers. It was in the morning and they said they would get back to me.
In the mean time, the dishwasher guy showed up unannounced at 9 am.
He was here for three hours. Good news dishwasher is fixed. And to add to the entertainment one of the people in the neighborhood knocked on our door wanting to know if the Sears guy was the same one who set up her fridge the day before. She wouldn’t leave until she talked to the guy, and he informed her that she needed to call the number they had given her. He couldn’t do anything because he was the dishwasher guy. She was not even polite about banging on our door to try to take our maintenance person and seemed to think that we owed her entry into our home.
Doorbells, knocking, surprise visits, and an autistic child…
Um, yeah it was an entertaining morning. In the mean time, I was preparing the kids to go get their last rounds of vaccines. Ariel and Daniel had been filled with anxiety all morning. They were not scared only “nervous.” Nervousness around here consists of exciting days full of questions and children attached to my legs. Joshua opted to take on the warrior role and he now feels he can conquer any shot.
“It was really quick! Just a poke and done!” Ha ha ha
We had to sit in the waiting room about an hour for no apparent reason, which caused me to get seriously overloaded because of the fluorescent lights, the designs on the carpet, the squeaky noisy chairs, the smells, EVERYTHING! If it was doing that to me, you can imagine what the kids were doing. Poor Ariel had worked herself into almost a panic. It was the anticipation and feeling the pain of the needle again even though she knew it would not hurt that badly. She clung to me and cried into my chest after it was over. I felt so horrible, but she was fine in a couple of minutes. I left her with David to take Daniel back and he tickled her which helped. Daniel and Joshua both were fine. Joshua came running out yelling, “I didn’t even cry!”
Daniel repeated that when he came out as well.
When we got home, I was spent between diverting meltdown madness with Daniel, Ariel’s anxiety, and Joshua’s excitement. I went to the computer to take a break and the realtor had sent me an email saying that they did not want to rent us a house unless it was built past 1978. (That is when lead paint was banned in the United States.) Well, that was that. No house. I was completely derailed. All of my plans, everything I had settled was now in a giant tornado in my head. I was looping and then, panicking because right before we came home we had given the written 30-day notice that we were leaving. I shutdown and was stuck. I went into a frenzy mode trying to find a house. I had all kinds of negative thoughts about failing and not being able to get anything accomplished. I did manage to shake those off quickly, and was able to let go of the house hunt because we had a bathtub toy fiasco.
Fiasco’s always help bring you back to reality – for a while.
I knew that I had to get to bed and recover because Daniel had his evaluation this morning. I could not sleep I woke up all night long afraid that I would not hear my alarm. Finally, I got up at 5:45 am so I would not worry any longer. Daniel and I went – the traffic was horrible. I was still in such a brain fuzz that I kept second-guessing myself on which way to go, but I did get there five minutes late due to bumper-to-bumper traffic. I didn’t get lost. YEA!
Daniel loved the women he met with.
He did not want to go home and wanted to stay there all day. I watched through a mirrored window when he was with the psychologist. I smiled the whole time because I could see all the progress compared to his last evaluation. I found it very interesting that while she was trying to get him to talk about his emotions he said things like, “I don’t know.” Or when she asked him, “What makes you happy?” He said, “Not spinning.”
She did not understand that at all.
I knew why he was saying that. It is because when he spins things too much it causes him to get over stimulated and his head hurts. He had been playing with a spinning top that was in the collection of toys she had and he had to put it away. I found it very interesting that when she asked him about the emotions of others, such as from stories, their pretend play, with people and then, a baby he knew their emotions spot on.
I also noticed how she missed many of his answers because he said them quietly.
He also, said them in his soft voice filled with giggles so she could not understand him, but he answered all of her questions. She had him make a birthday cake out of play dough for a baby doll and they had a party for her. She gave him four candles to put on the cake and asked him, “How old is the baby?” He said, “Zero.” She did not hear him and assumed that he was not answering – she led him in counting the candles and said that the baby was four years old. Daniel paused and looked confused for a moment, but was too happy and having fun so he said the baby was four.
The baby doll was an infant not an older baby so it didn’t make sense to him.
There were several things like that she seemed to miss, but she had another appointment so I couldn’t talk to her. I will wait until the next meeting to see if I need to bring these things up or not. At one point during their session, Daniel stopped looked at her and said, “I really like you.” Filled with giggles and smiles. He was giggling, smiling, hand flapping, rocking, and clapping the whole time. He was anxious-happy today.
The drive was about 45 minutes both ways so when I got home I was done.
He wanted to take a bath, and so did Joshua. Long story short Joshua had an accident in the tub – Daniel did not understand why I pulled him out of the tub and put him into the shower. Major meltdown, with me having to yell, “Daniel you didn’t do anything wrong. You are not in trouble!” Because I had already said that at least five times in a calm tone. With that, he stopped and asked me, “Why?” I told him he had to take a shower to get the poo water off of him. Needless to say, after I cleaned him, Joshua, the bathtub, and all of the toys that were in the tub fatigue took over.
I couldn’t do a thing the rest of the afternoon.
I heard someone knock at the door at around 4 pm and I couldn’t answer it. Ariel, Daniel, and I were all lying in bed. Ariel was reading. Joshua was playing some school games on the computer. I got up and yelled for David to please get the door. The thought of talking to anyone made me want to cry. It ended up being our neighbor, she just had her baby, and I felt awful for not being able to go see her, but I could not. I have just now found the strength to write this post to help me process, so I do not loop about the house issue.
There are other things lingering about that I cannot deal with at all at the moment.
The positive to all of this is that I have not had a complete meltdown, or shutdown. I did rest for while – my body basically forced me and my brain shutdown on me. I am not panicking about the move, but I am still a bit derailed. I am trying to help myself get back on track. The whole thing caused my packing and moving plans to feel useless, which is not true. I have to get over that line of thinking though and move forward.
I will, I just need a day to recoup.
It would help me greatly if the house thing was taken care of, but I am glad I listened to my gut. It would have been worse if we moved in, had problems, and then, were stuck. Another great thing is that one of the therapists gave me some resources to check out. I am going to look into them and see if they are worth sharing here. I confess I am a little amazed at the change in my attitude and my bounce back time. I have additional emotional processing that I am hoping to be able to write about soon regarding someone who used to be married to one of my family members. They killed themselves on Monday. Sorry for that down tidbit there, but I am not sure how I feel about it along with all of the other emotions that person’s life unlocks. I am exhausted, but I am not negative looping and I am at peace.
I read these links below yesterday morning – I cannot find who posted them now on FB. Urg!
Signing off of here hoping for a house to come soon, and boinging to make me smile.