05/31/12

Angel’s Down! Boing She’s Up Again!

No worries, I am ok – just extremely fatigued. I am not negative looping, but I am “worry” looping. I do not even know how to word what I am trying say today. I do know that I need to write this stuff out to help me. The last few weeks have been non-stop stuff. Social stuff, emotional stuff, trying to move stuff, stuff, stuff, stuff. I like the word stuff. (Double f) I have been doing pretty well. After Sunday with the snake, and going to the movies, the next thing that went on was the realtor receiving the check for the deposit on the house and the contract coming our way. I ended up having several more questions, but also felt like everything was going smoothly so I should just go with it and did not think anything was wrong. However, you know that nudge you get sometimes? Well, I had it with no clarification and besides I just wanted a house so I could move forward.

The contract was sent on Tuesday and I read it once.

I started to sign it, but then hesitated. There were a couple of things that popped out, but they usually have these types of things in a lease so I didn’t think much of it. I had the house, it was done, so that meant I could move forward with all of the other plans I had floating in my head. I was making my lists and getting settled. However, I woke up yesterday morning and decided to read it again nothing major struck me, but I had the words “lead paint” flash through my head. I went to see when the house was built and it was 1962. They were using lead paint. I know my guys are over the standard age for some of the concerns of lead paint, but I am not willing to take any chances. I asked the realtor specific questions and basically made it clear that I needed honest answers. It was in the morning and they said they would get back to me.

In the mean time, the dishwasher guy showed up unannounced at 9 am.

He was here for three hours. Good news dishwasher is fixed. And to add to the entertainment one of the people in the neighborhood knocked on our door wanting to know if the Sears guy was the same one who set up her fridge the day before. She wouldn’t leave until she talked to the guy, and he informed her that she needed to call the number they had given her. He couldn’t do anything because he was the dishwasher guy. She was not even polite about banging on our door to try to take our maintenance person and seemed to think that we owed her entry into our home.

Doorbells, knocking, surprise visits, and an autistic child…

Um, yeah it was an entertaining morning. In the mean time, I was preparing the kids to go get their last rounds of vaccines. Ariel and Daniel had been filled with anxiety all morning. They were not scared only “nervous.” Nervousness around here consists of exciting days full of questions and children attached to my legs. Joshua opted to take on the warrior role and he now feels he can conquer any shot.

“It was really quick! Just a poke and done!” Ha ha ha

We had to sit in the waiting room about an hour for no apparent reason, which caused me to get seriously overloaded because of the fluorescent lights, the designs on the carpet, the squeaky noisy chairs, the smells, EVERYTHING! If it was doing that to me, you can imagine what the kids were doing. Poor Ariel had worked herself into almost a panic. It was the anticipation and feeling the pain of the needle again even though she knew it would not hurt that badly. She clung to me and cried into my chest after it was over. I felt so horrible, but she was fine in a couple of minutes. I left her with David to take Daniel back and he tickled her which helped. Daniel and Joshua both were fine. Joshua came running out yelling, “I didn’t even cry!”

Daniel repeated that when he came out as well.

When we got home, I was spent between diverting meltdown madness with Daniel, Ariel’s anxiety, and Joshua’s excitement. I went to the computer to take a break and the realtor had sent me an email saying that they did not want to rent us a house unless it was built past 1978. (That is when lead paint was banned in the United States.) Well, that was that. No house. I was completely derailed. All of my plans, everything I had settled was now in a giant tornado in my head. I was looping and then, panicking because right before we came home we had given the written 30-day notice that we were leaving. I shutdown and was stuck. I went into a frenzy mode trying to find a house. I had all kinds of negative thoughts about failing and not being able to get anything accomplished. I did manage to shake those off quickly, and was able to let go of the house hunt because we had a bathtub toy fiasco.

Fiasco’s always help bring you back to reality – for a while.

I knew that I had to get to bed and recover because Daniel had his evaluation this morning. I could not sleep I woke up all night long afraid that I would not hear my alarm. Finally, I got up at 5:45 am so I would not worry any longer. Daniel and I went – the traffic was horrible. I was still in such a brain fuzz that I kept second-guessing myself on which way to go, but I did get there five minutes late due to bumper-to-bumper traffic. I didn’t get lost. YEA!

Daniel loved the women he met with.

He did not want to go home and wanted to stay there all day. I watched through a mirrored window when he was with the psychologist. I smiled the whole time because I could see all the progress compared to his last evaluation. I found it very interesting that while she was trying to get him to talk about his emotions he said things like, “I don’t know.” Or when she asked him, “What makes you happy?” He said, “Not spinning.”

She did not understand that at all.

I knew why he was saying that. It is because when he spins things too much it causes him to get over stimulated and his head hurts. He had been playing with a spinning top that was in the collection of toys she had and he had to put it away. I found it very interesting that when she asked him about the emotions of others, such as from stories, their pretend play, with people and then, a baby he knew their emotions spot on.

I also noticed how she missed many of his answers because he said them quietly.

He also, said them in his soft voice filled with giggles so she could not understand him, but he answered all of her questions. She had him make a birthday cake out of play dough for a baby doll and they had a party for her. She gave him four candles to put on the cake and asked him, “How old is the baby?” He said, “Zero.” She did not hear him and assumed that he was not answering – she led him in counting the candles and said that the baby was four years old. Daniel paused and looked confused for a moment, but was too happy and having fun so he said the baby was four.

The baby doll was an infant not an older baby so it didn’t make sense to him.

There were several things like that she seemed to miss, but she had another appointment so I couldn’t talk to her. I will wait until the next meeting to see if I need to bring these things up or not. At one point during their session, Daniel stopped looked at her and said, “I really like you.” Filled with giggles and smiles. He was giggling, smiling, hand flapping, rocking, and clapping the whole time. He was anxious-happy today.

The drive was about 45 minutes both ways so when I got home I was done.

He wanted to take a bath, and so did Joshua. Long story short Joshua had an accident in the tub – Daniel did not understand why I pulled him out of the tub and put him into the shower. Major meltdown, with me having to yell, “Daniel you didn’t do anything wrong. You are not in trouble!” Because I had already said that at least five times in a calm tone. With that, he stopped and asked me, “Why?” I told him he had to take a shower to get the poo water off of him. Needless to say, after I cleaned him, Joshua, the bathtub, and all of the toys that were in the tub fatigue took over.

I couldn’t do a thing the rest of the afternoon.

I heard someone knock at the door at around 4 pm and I couldn’t answer it. Ariel, Daniel, and I were all lying in bed. Ariel was reading. Joshua was playing some school games on the computer. I got up and yelled for David to please get the door. The thought of talking to anyone made me want to cry. It ended up being our neighbor, she just had her baby, and I felt awful for not being able to go see her, but I could not. I have just now found the strength to write this post to help me process, so I do not loop about the house issue.

There are other things lingering about that I cannot deal with at all at the moment.

The positive to all of this is that I have not had a complete meltdown, or shutdown. I did rest for while – my body basically forced me and my brain shutdown on me. I am not panicking about the move, but I am still a bit derailed. I am trying to help myself get back on track. The whole thing caused my packing and moving plans to feel useless, which is not true. I have to get over that line of thinking though and move forward.

I will, I just need a day to recoup.

It would help me greatly if the house thing was taken care of, but I am glad I listened to my gut. It would have been worse if we moved in, had problems, and then, were stuck. Another great thing is that one of the therapists gave me some resources to check out. I am going to look into them and see if they are worth sharing here. I confess I am a little amazed at the change in my attitude and my bounce back time. I have additional emotional processing that I am hoping to be able to write about soon regarding someone who used to be married to one of my family members. They killed themselves on Monday. Sorry for that down tidbit there, but I am not sure how I feel about it along with all of the other emotions that person’s life unlocks. I am exhausted, but I am not negative looping and I am at peace.

I read these links below yesterday morning – I cannot find who posted them now on FB. Urg!

Don’t Play the Victim Game
Victim playing

Signing off of here hoping for a house to come soon, and boinging to make me smile.

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05/29/12

Saving Critters

My brain is going through some serious processing. I had a couple of things forcing me to deal with death again. I was doing pretty well with the first thing and had started to write about it to help me process, but then something happened that I found out about this morning. My emotions are spinning. I have lost my words. Thankfully, I read The Other Side of Empathy yesterday. It helped me on multiple levels – not only with empathy, but also on several other things not pertaining to death.

I got overly exhausted from everything last week and then, cleaning the garage.

I did not get any downtime and that is never good. I am reeling with a mix of emotions and situations that I cannot talk in full disclosure about. The reason is either that I cannot gather my words, find exactly what I mean, I do not understand why another person is acting or treating me a certain way, or I am not able to because of privacy.

I go into protection mode of anyone who hurts me.

I mean I begin to feel that I should protect that person and not myself because I do not want other people to think badly of them. I believe this may be a learned behavior because it seems to have started long ago, but I do not think that children automatically think that way… I am too tired to think about it. This line of thinking though causes me to loop negative thinking patterns convincing myself that all of the negative things they have said in the moment is actually what they think of me, or the worse thing ever they are true.

Everything inside of me quakes and knows that it is not true.

In the past, I have not been able to defend myself with my own damning thoughts. I felt hopeless and that possibly they were right about me until I finally succumbed to accepting that I was indeed what they said. I am trying very hard to stop this line of thinking, but I have to tell you it is very difficult when you have no one to talk to who understands or encourages you not to think in these negative patterns on a consistent basis. It is a hard task when you feel swallowed by negativity. I am tired of being convinced that I am the problem. (It is so odd, if I noticed these kinds of things happening in someone’s life I would be all crazy Warrior Woman taking on the evils of their world, but not for me. Well, until my brain catches up with itself. )

I am just tired and frustrated because I feel happy.

I want to enjoy what is happening in my life. I want to enjoy my changes. I want to enjoy the things I have discovered about myself and I am so tired of not being able to, or feeling badly because I am starting to understand me for the first time in my life. Instead of allowing these negative emotions swirl, I will focus on things that make me smile. I will keep on processing until I can finally get it out in some form.

Fun stuff from this weekend.

1) Well, I already shared the garage stuff and that was fun. 2) Critters! The weather around here had been gearing up for a huge storm. Last week the birds were all wild. Everywhere I went the birds were gliding on the wind playfully and talking like mad. Some were singing, some were cawing, some were I am not sure what, but sounded like Scuttle from Little Mermaid. (The only video I could find.) Yikes! The kids and I went to Target on Friday (I think) and the birds were everywhere. There were brownish black ones walking all over the parking lot, more than usual. Target usually has a clan of crows and seagulls that hang out there.

We said our hellos and then went inside.

On our way out one of the birds flew into the exit automatic doors area while the doors were open. I kept the kids back while he picked up his piece of popcorn. The doors shut and the bird was stuck. I told the kids to stay back so I could go up to the door and try to open it for him, while I was doing that a person came into the exit doors (urg!) before I could get there and scared the bird. The bird started to panic and fly around slamming into the glass trying to get out. Everyone else seemed to be oblivious or care less except one woman, my kids, and myself. The bird flew to the entrance side as we exited the doors.

He hit the glass so hard that he fell to the ground.

He tried to get out of the doors and was flying into them as I ran over to open them for him. He flew head first one last time and knocked himself completely over. I was almost in tears and trying to coax the little guy out, but he was dizzy and falling. The kids were saying, “Mommy help him get out.” I had them over to the side out of the way while I tried to help him. Finally, a man came over when the bird got back to his feet, and guided him out while I held both doors open.

It was quite the event.

As the kids and I walked to the car, I looked over and the bird was standing with his piece of popcorn in his mouth. He was watching us and in a way, it felt like he was saying, “Thank you.” Or he was just dizzy. I stayed a little longer to make sure he was alright. He flew away and seemed fine. I encountered a couple of spiders that needed saving also. Ariel SO busted me. She said she saw a spider crawl around her head one night while she was going to sleep. I went in and couldn’t find it anywhere. She was shaking and scared so I smacked my hand on the wall and said, “There I got it.”

She and Joshua both did not believe me.

She said, “Mom you never kill spiders.” Joshua said, “You always save them and take them outside. Why didn’t you this time?” Ok, ok I admit “Mommy Fail.” The spider was long gone, I moved the bed, I moved her toys, I moved her stuffed animals, and her books. It was nowhere to be found so I thought she would be ok. Nope, and now she cannot sleep in her room.

After my fun filled week and Saturday, I completely forgot about my sister and me going to the movies.

We were scheduled to go on Sunday and I went blank. She called and asked if we were still going. I said yes, and got ready. She showered me with shoes that she no longer wanted and then, we headed off to see Dark Shadows. Some of the previews looked very interesting. Hollywood is in its remake rounds, but I admit that Snow White and the Huntsman looked interesting. (Maybe it was all the crows. ) I have a weakness for fairy tales, and movies like Frankenweenie!

I found Dark Shadows to be quite entertaining and amusing at times.

The story line felt a bit choppy, but the special effects and music was pretty rockin’. Johnny Depp made me laugh a lot. I also laughed at a certain part that was supposed to be moving and serious, but to me it felt very cheesy. I said, “HA!” (Giggle, giggle) Then, covered my mouth with my hand because everyone else was quiet and my sister looked at me oddly. Hee hee Oh, well I thought it was funny.

My sister and I had a great time.

We have not been out alone together since she was a child I believe. I dropped her off feeling quite happy and at peace. I arrived home, feeling refreshed and a sense of freedom because I had taken all of my “creepy darkish” likings away from myself years ago for fear of feeling like they were wrong, or something. I entered the house and the front room had scattered boxes, a gate on the entryway, the cat peeking under the metal shelves, and David and the kids in the kitchen.

I looked at David and asked, “What is going on?”

He told me that Ariel thought she saw a snake. They had been outside looking at the sky because the storm was coming and Ariel saw the snake from the corner of her eye. However, no one had actually seen the snake so David was not sure. Ariel was shaking, scared, and swore that she saw a snake. I bent down to see what Mr. Nathaniel was looking at… sure enough there was a snake. David had an encounter with a snake as a child so he freezes up around them and cannot think of what to do. I was feeling David’s anxiety and started to second-guess myself, but then realized what was happening and I said, “I am not afraid of snakes I can get him out. Everything will be fine.”

They all went upstairs and I went to help the snake get back outside.

Well first, I looked up what kind he was. I was pretty sure that he was a Garter snake, but he looked a little different from the ones I had been around so I needed to check. We do have poisonous snakes around here and I needed to be cautious. I admit I am not sure it would have made a difference with me though – if he were poisonous, I still would have tried to help him out. Only with more caution and covered up in protective gear.

It took me about twenty minutes to finally lead him out the door.

He was so scared I felt bad for him. He tried to get into the living room and I had to gear him back to the opposite direction. He hid, I poked, I lost him and had to pull out all of the boxes and stuff. I ended up getting a measuring stick to lead him out and left the front door wide open so he could find his way. His tongue was smelling the air, he panicked for a moment, but then when I finally got him to the door he dashed out and looked so happy. Well from my projecting human mind. Lol!

He was a very pretty snake about three feet long.

I had hoped to get a better picture, but I could not and I did not want to freak him out by taking pictures. All of these things from the first paragraph down to here made me think of what I said on my previous post about helping. I love to save things and people. I enjoy making people smile and what feels like making animals happy as well. I like to help people feel encouraged, uplifted, and seeing the great things in them. I do not show my caring ways in the same way as others. I am going to write a post about it, but last week I was encountered with how much I do not grieve, or show my love and empathy the way others do.

I have known this about myself, but sometimes it can make me feel terrible.

First, I feel anger for not knowing or understanding what to do or say. This leads into feeling guilt or shame for my thoughts, after that I am consumed with compassion, and desperately wanting to show that I care, but no one else is doing it the way that I feel led to. It makes me feel like I should do nothing at all. In the past my attempts have failed, or caused people to become angry with me or think of me as lacking compassion. It can be so upsetting sometimes to not just be able to click a like button, or say fluff words that other people say that seem to bring comfort. I can’t I don’t mean them and I cannot force myself to say them. I just don’t understand some of these things and it upsets me.

I cannot force myself to do them and that upsets others.

When I encountered the bird, the snake, the spiders, and the last little spider last night who needed saving it made me feel “normal.” I do not know if that makes sense or not, as I said I am processing. It made me feel appreciated as the spider crawled all over my hand and wrist while I took him to a safe place. He was afraid, but when he scurried off to build a new home, he seemed happy. I wish I could take my ability to save critters, and apply that to people. I wish I had the innate sense of comfort and know how with people as I do with animals. Most of the time I don’t, and I have to say at this moment I am feeling really tired of trying with humans. I know how to make animals feel at ease, but with people many times my words and actions seem to fail.

But fear not I am not sad, and I have a picture of my snake friend.

Oh, wait I read these today that may benefit some people it did me.

The Hidden Autistics – Asperger’s in Adults

STRAYING FROM THE MID-LINE – ADULTS WITH ASPERGER’S AND THEIR PARTNERS (I know this one is talking about partners I think these principles can be applied to any relationship.)

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05/27/12

Whirlwind Week!

This past week was packed full of events. I have been interacting with a property agent about the house in the town we are moving to. One of the stipulations to be able to rent the house was that I had a representative locally go and look at the house. I was going to have my aunt go, but her work and other activities required her to be busy. I needed to get someone out there ASAP so I finally got my grandma and coordinated the whole affair.

There were other moments of me talking to my step mom as well.

She had offered to have her parents go and check it out, but it all worked out and got settled. SO yes, I was on the phone A LOT this week. Blah! Then, the woman from the office where Daniel is going to be reevaluated called and had to reschedule. They did keep my appointment for the parent diagnostic interview. Which was an hour and a half of solid questions and past history about Daniel from ages four and five until now.

They have all of his information prior to that so it makes sense they needed that info.

I was doing great before I got there, I was on time and excited that I was going to be about ten minutes early… Ugh…this town. I missed my street because they split it up between another street. I did not merge into the lane I was supposed to because it was not properly labeled or detailed in the directions I had printed out. I was so frustrated. I do not know why I get lost here so much. I am not the best with directions, but this place makes me completely disoriented. I managed to get myself on the correct street, but got so flustered that I could not comprehend my direction.

I could not tell if I was going in the right direction or not.

I started to panic and then, stopped myself and told myself that it was ok. I thought, “Anyone could have done this and it is ok if I am late.” I called David and told him what had happened. He was surprised at how calm I was. I was too. He gave me detailed directions and landmarks to look for. I was going in the correct direction, but needed to go much further down. I knew that what was causing me the most stress was that I was late. I decided to ask him to call the office and tell them that I got lost and that I would be there in a few minutes.

He did not understand at first why I did not call.

I told him I could not because I was filled with anxiety, and the traffic was making me very nervous. He understood then and called for me. I arrived and was calm and ready to go. I decided to help me eliminate some more of my anxiety by telling the therapist, “I am very literal thinker and I will ask for clarity or more details if I do not understand what you asking.” She was fine with that and actually appreciated that I would ask.

It helped me very much and I was a little more at ease.

After I told her that, I added “I am pretty sure I have generalized anxiety disorder along with Asperger’s.” Ha ha ha She asked if I was seeing therapists… everything is on hold now because of the move. I was interacting with a neuropsychologist, but that was it. I do not think I need to see anyone at the moment, but I have already located a diagnostic clinic in our new area and will pursue that as soon as possible. There are several more therapists and facilities available where we are going.

I am very happy with that, there is literally only one in this area for adults.

Hence, the reason why I have not been able to move forward here, she is very busy and has a long waiting list. I digress. Also, the kids were scheduled for their vaccines. They need to be caught up to be registered in virtual school. I wanted them to have their shots anyway. Joshua was very behind and it had been weighing on me for these past years. Things got out of control with Daniel’s therapies, then losing insurance, and starting therapy at home, it was like several years got away from me and now I can focus on re-prioritizing things and getting them done. Ariel and Daniel needed three and Joshua needed four.

We decided to split them up and do the rest next week.

We wanted to be sure they would all be ok. They all did a great job. I spent the week before preparing them, we acted it out with their pretend doctor play set, and I showed them a video on BrainPopJr to prepare them. It worked out very well. It was a fiasco though in the waiting room, and I was all stressed out because they kept confusing me by asking repeatedly if the shot records were correct for Joshua. I told them three times, sat with them, went over our old address, our previous doctor’s office, etc… finally it was settled. It was through a health clinic. They were doing their job, (very well) but it got to be too much for me.

To add to the excitement the parts came for the dishwasher.

Long story short, after three phone calls, and maintenance men coming into the house when we were not home, it will not be fixed until May 29th as scheduled. It is under warranty and has to be done by a Sears person and they will not come out early. In the mean time, the guy who was here the last time ran the dishwasher three times after he told me that it was not draining. SO the water that did not drain is rotting at the bottom of the dishwasher and smells like something is dead in there. I keep having to put bleach in it AND I am REALLY over doing the freaking dishes!!! Sorry I just wanted to vent a little. I know the dishes shouldn’t be that big of deal. Hee hee At least mom, the kids, and I went to the beach the other day and it was a perfect afternoon…

But the excitement does not stop there!

We now need to move a week earlier than scheduled because David is planned to leave for San Francisco what looks like the second week of July and he could be out there for a long period of time. I need time to get into the house, get everything settled, and stable for the kids as much as possible. All of this is a lot of change and we want it to be the most positive experience as possible for them.

I have been preparing them as much as possible.

I have been showing them pictures of the new house and explaining the layout and where everything and everyone will go. I have been preparing them with a timeline of pivotal events and things that need to happen before we move. I have been preparing them about the 12-hour drive. I have been explaining the packing, truck loading, and moving process. Whatever I can think of, I am explaining it and showing them visuals as much as possible.

It is helping my stress levels, which in turn helps theirs.

Yesterday the kids and I spent the day out in the garage cleaning, packing, and making “give away” piles. Actually, I did most of the work, but they were still there and I showed them what I was getting rid of and explained why. That helped them be all right with giving things away. The garage was a graveyard of broken fans, and spinning objects. Things get thrown into the garage when “overloadedness” occurs. I got rid of many of those things – some of them Daniel would not let me. I will work on that, he likes to keep collections of broken toys. He does not do anything with them except surround himself or dump them on the floor in random places of house. Not fun. However, I have little room to talk about collections once you see what I have below.

I am a little worn out.

I was feeling fatigued earlier yesterday morning (now also) and couldn’t gather my energy until around 12 pm. I did make huge progress and will hopefully finish the garage today. David has to go through his stuff out there. He has a ton of text books that he needs to decide what to do with. I want to keep them ALL! He does not plan to keep all of them, but will let me decide what I would like to keep. I will try to limit myself.

Overall, I am excited, and feel good about my planning.

It is all flowing very easily and though the next few weeks are packed full with social activities and packing, I am excited about all of this. I look forward to the new adventures ahead. It is going to be a lot – I am hoping the kids will help me a bit. We’ll see, David is very busy with work – there are a lot of transitions going on. I think the bulk of all of this will be up to me. I am good at this stuff though. I don’t mind packing and cleaning – it can be quite calming for me at times. (Except the freaking dishes! Sorry. Lol!)

I just hope I can keep up my energy and not crash hard!

Now for some funny stuff. I have pictures of the garage before, and at my halfway point. The funny part is what I found in one of my boxes. A little history, I collected my name badges from every workplace I was required to wear them. I hated my name on a badge. I never wanted customers to know my name. The human resource managers always loved me for some reason and would let me get them with my nicknames on them. People would come up with nicknames for me all the time and that is how the nickname badge started for me.

I didn’t keep all of my nickname badges.

I do have many with my real name though. I was at Target the longest and I have a ton of my name badges. On the older badges, they had an attachment that said, “Ask me I like to help.” Well I never liked that at all, so I would cover the word “to” with one of my other buttons so it would say “Ask me I like help.” I thought that was hilarious and my supervisors would get onto me about it, but I frequently told them “I have to cover it up because I do not like to help.”

I have horrible customer service.

It wasn’t that I didn’t like to help, it was that I did not like to be interrupted when I was in full swing of my work mode. If the customers needed help when I was not on a mission to finish my work load I was fine. Ha ha ha I did much better working overnight. (Emotional and physical help is different than customer service help. The other two are my “help trump cards” when it comes to customer service for some reason it is different to me.)

One of my nicknames was B2 from Bananas in Pajamas!

My friend who was a human resource manager was B1 and we would go around singing the theme song all the time. We became so well known as the managerial Banana’s in Pajamas that we did a skit at one point – I think it was for a safety meeting. Speaking of which, Target always came up with catchy slogans or sayings for their training and customer service rollouts or safety causes. I had a box cutter in my mix of finds that had my favorite one that I would (still) say at random moments just because it is funny to me.

“Safety is mine in 89!”

I like to say it with great enthusiasm it always makes me laugh. When I worked at Petsmart someone nicknamed me Pamela Lee because I accidently plucked my eyebrows too much and came to work freaking out saying, “Great! Now I look like Pamela Lee Anderson!” I also had bleached a front strip of my hair blonde because I wanted to look like a skunk. Lol! There are other odd things in my collection like a toilet paper roll thing and a plug-in. Also, a picture of my boot when I was dressed up for Halloween as Pioneer Barbie.

That had to have been 1996.

Some of my guitar picks…AND an awesome BIG hair picture from my junior year! I am talking BIG HAIR! It is hilarious. The angle of the picture makes it look even funnier. Look folks I was serious about my poofing hairdo and I almost took Aqua Net out of business that year. By the next year I was so sick of doing my hair, hairspray became too annoying – I went straight and no longer fixed my hair. (Except on certain occasions, but it never had that poofy goodness again.) It was too much work. I have a picture of my two ballerina pictures that I begged my grandma to get me when I was five years old from a garage sale. I do not think I can part with them. I have always loved them. A pager? What? I didn’t even go into my trunk of things no way! No telling what I have in there.

Enjoy my silliness!

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05/25/12

Three Years! Really?

The other night David mentioned something about me blogging for three years, I stopped and thought, (said aloud thinking it was only in my head) “Has it really been three years?” I had to go look and see. Sure enough May 13, 2009 I published my first post. I had no idea where it was going. I did not know what I was doing, or what would happen by creating a blog. At that time, I was so desperate for communication, understanding, and trying to find a way to stop my isolating feelings that I knew I needed to do something. If you read my posts during that time, you would never know that in my mind there were swirling thoughts of despair.

I was repeatedly telling David that I needed to see a doctor.

I felt like something was seriously wrong with me. I was depressed, I had suicidal thoughts. At the time I did not know these can be common fleeting thoughts, of mine. I realized a pattern that my mind will wander into those thoughts when I feel overcome with desperation and hopelessness. However, they are always fleeting and never with true intentions. I did not understand this at the time and there were moments when my mind truly scared me. I would voice my concerns and tell David that I needed to see someone.

We had lost insurance by that time and we had no way to cover it.

He didn’t understand the severity of my feelings, or concerns and felt that we could work it out. There was a lot of church stuff that had happened I think he attributed it to that, thinking once we left I would be fine. I was not. I was exhausted, still confused about autism, trying understand and learn Daniel, there was a lot that I do not want to go into. I was not ok when I started this blog and that is why I started it. It was a very stressful time for all of us, David had his own concerns and things he was dealing with as well.

I needed to make my pains, frustrations, fears, isolation you name it – known.

I needed to know that I was not alone. I needed encouragement and to break free from the isolating and self-condemning thoughts. David did (does) encourage me to write. It was his suggestion that I start a blog. I cannot even remember why he said it now, I think it was because of my constant threat that I have said throughout the years. ‘That’s it I have had it I am writing a book about this and exposing them!” Or “I am so writing a book telling people about all of this!” Things like that. My years and years of book titles that would pop out of my mouth claiming to be made one day. One day.

Anytime I have seen what feels like injustice I have threatened to write a book about it.

Anytime I have gotten angry, or hurt I would rant my chapters into the air complete with angry title. I am sure it was through one of those many rants that he suggested I write a blog. I always came up with an excuse as to why I could not write a book. I am not sure what finally gave me the courage to do this since, I was (can still feel) filled with fears of being exposed, being attacked, feeling inadequate in my writing skills, but I think the desperation of loneliness finally trumped my fears. Along with feeling like I could possibly help someone else. My “help trump card” will always win. If I think I am helping someone else I can practically do anything.

I had no intentions of making money off my blog.

It just didn’t feel right for me. I do not know why, it just has not and I do not plan to use this blog for income. Maybe I will create another one for another purpose to do so. Currently, I do have 8 blogs all together. I only keep up with four on a regular basis. The other ones are mostly art, music, or my “characters” writing their random thoughts on occasion to help trigger a story or edit a chapter for later. I feel whole when I write. It comes quickly – it flows out of me now as if I am breathing.

When I started this blog, I would have panic attacks.

I would cry if I discovered grammatical errors. I would feel sick if I felt like someone could misinterpret my words. I was scared to death of being seen and I kept my blog silent pretty much the first year. I was afraid of leaving comments on other blogs for fear that they would find me and tell me just how lousy my writing was, or that I was horrible in some way. I am proud to say that I have worked through many of these issues. I still have moments when I get anxiety about these things. When I reread some of my older posts I cringe at my writing or grammar, but I will normally leave it. Unless it is a very important post to me. I may add to it or clean it up, but usually I leave it.

It reminds me of where I was at the time.

It shows me where I have improved. It reveals where I am repeating patterns that need to be changed, or that are plain silly and just me. It helps me to connect to who I was bridging who I am now. My older posts reveal how far Daniel has come and the treasures that are my children. Our experiences and details. I want the kids to be able to see these details and to watch my progression and mistakes so they will know that it’s ok. I think it will help them to see mistakes in a different light. They are springboards for change and growth. They are not constant reminders of failures, but continual attempts.

I want them to see how they have progressed too.

Although, I have transferred a lot of that to their home school blog. If we stop making mistakes or try to be rid of them, it makes it difficult to grow and change. I have learned a lot in these three years. I am so glad that I decided to start this blog. When I thought about a title “Mind Retrofit” was the first thing to come to mind. I thought it was funny, but quickly scanned my mind for other witty or clever titles. I looked at the other blogs and their titles and felt like my was so foreign. My title was not like anyone else’s and I wanted it to be close because I was trying to fit in. However, I could not shake Mind Retrofit. It defined perfectly what this blog was about for me. I decided to look it up and found nothing at the time. I decided to read the definition of retrofit to ensure I really understood its meaning.

1: to furnish (as a computer, airplane, or building) with new or modified parts or equipment not available or considered necessary at the time of manufacture
2: to install (new or modified parts or equipment) in something previously manufactured or constructed
3: to adapt to a new purpose or need : modify

I realize that my mind is always several steps ahead of me in some way.

It is hard to explain, but it is like my brain and hands start coming up with ideas and then I have to walk into the understanding of these ideas. I have a slight understanding, but with time, the reality of it unravels and peels away all of those things that I have been hiding, or not fully understanding. I believe my whole life will be a process of mind retrofitting. And that is exciting! I cannot wait to see what transpires in the next year. My blog has helped me in so many ways and it has captured memories that I am thankful to have written down in the lifetime of the internet folds. My blog has allowed me to have a voice, and regain so many past parts of myself, while changing and molding me as well.

No matter how tired or stressed I am I have learned to be able to share.

It has helped me to find peace on those days when it seems hopeless. I find comfort with those who step out and share as well. I enjoy the internet world that connects us. I did not intend to write this type of blog post. I was going to talk about the kids getting shots the other day, (went great! no, really it did. yea!) I was going to share about the parent diagnostic interview I had yesterday, the beach that the kids, mom, and I went to, the house in its final stages of becoming ours, the move jumping up about a week earlier, and my panic attack about crime rates in the town we are moving to, but discovering they are same here so having a panic attack about that, then quickly getting over it. We are not moving to my actual hometown, it is about 10 minutes away – the town we are moving to blends into the other I consider them practically the same.

I will stop now and leave with this:

Wow, I can’t believe all that I have accomplished in three years, too bad I haven’t learned how to make money from any of my ventures. Lol! At least my mental state is much better and worth more than any sum of money. The progression here is that when I said, “I can’t believe all that I have accomplished in three years” I only felt a moment of negative self-talk and decided that I needed to accept that it is alright to say I have accomplished things, and that I have accomplished a lot. My brain is saying that there is a lot more to be accomplished so I am going to go wrestle it with some happy music, while making breakfast and tell it to be quiet!

Happy Anniversary Mind Retrofit!

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05/23/12

Making Friends With Triggers II

I believe that those of us who are on the autism spectrum are possibly more susceptible to more traumas on a daily basis. Our intense sensory issues, and if you have synesthesia like I do the sensory world is like being plopped into a whirlwind of emotional and sensory chaos pounding in, through, and out of your body constantly. It can make for traumatic experiences that others would never think of. Even if you do not have synesthesia, sensory processing issues can cause your world to be painful, confusing, and/or scary. Social confusion can cause your world to be emotionally painful, anxiety filled, and scary! Imagine how scary and traumatic this world is when you have no clue that you have sensory issues, social confusion, synesthesia, or that you process very differently from your peers, and others.

Traumatic.

It is a little different for those on the autism spectrum because sometimes the tiniest thing could be traumatic. For those of us who feel, and experience intensely because of the way our brain is wired, something that is seemingly harmless to the average person may think our feelings of trauma are senseless. Possibly even made-up, irrational, foolish, stupid, attention seeking, annoying, and bothersome. I could add a plethora of adjectives to this list, but I think you get the point. (A side note here, no one should downplay trauma. Every person is different, the same goes with stress and anxiety, these feelings are real for the person feeling them, whether you believe it are or not. Validate and help, you should not judge and condemn what you do not understand.)

They are none of the above.

They are real, and they can continue to be damaging if a person is not allowed to heal, express themselves, and learn how to find positive coping mechanisms in a safe environment. Dealing with trauma, I will add PTSD as well, require the ability to work through what has happened without judgment, condemnation, and attacks on how these issues affect another person. Such as a parent, spouse, or friend all need to be supportive in order for the person to heal. These issues need to be validated with acknowledgment, not voicing frustrations because of them. (I do understand the need for mutual understanding for all parties, but there needs to be an awareness of how these difficulties could cause that to be a very hard task.)

Being annoyed or dismissing someones painful experience, however, foolish you may think it is does not help.

For me, I am already frustrated with myself for feeling as if I am overreacting because of a reaction I have toward a sound, emotion, or a word. I do not need another person to add their frustrations to it. I need support, and understanding. I can get better with these situations when I feel encouraged. The more encouragement I get the more confident I am. Positive reinforcement helps me to stop the negative self-talk. I will add that it is important not to do positive reinforcement in a condescending tone, making statements suggesting that it is only being done to appease me, I can “feel” if it is not genuine, or treat me like a child because that will just tick me off and I’ll go into defense mode. Trauma is different for every person and how it is processed is different as well.

A loud “BANG!” sound at a carnival could cause years of trauma.

The chaotic surroundings, people, smells, lights, and all of the other sensory input as well as social dynamics will have the person already on defense and filled with anxiety. Even if they want to go, and it was their idea to go, it does not stop the mind from its faulty processing abilities, and social anxieties. Anxiety can be good feelings of complete elation and excitement, and it can be bad anxiety fill with fear, or phobias. When all of the surroundings are intense and all the sudden a loud “BANG!” goes off it could send the person into intense meltdown or complete shutdown.

There is trauma.

Definition of TRAUMA

1 a : an injury (as a wound) to living tissue caused by an extrinsic agent <surgical trauma> <the intra-abdominal organs at greatest risk to athletic trauma are the spleen, pancreas, and kidney—M. R. Eichelberger>—see blunt traumab : a disordered psychic or behavioral state resulting from mental or emotional stress or physical injury

2 : an agent, force, or mechanism that causes trauma

The autistic mind is different when it comes to processing.

The sound I mentioned earlier, it can be physically painful to hear such a sudden loud sound. Certain sounds can make me want to curl into a ball holding my ears – it makes my stomach hurt in a stabbing pain. Scraping ice literally feels like I am being cut with knives on the inside of my body. I have trauma triggers associated with fire drills at school. The unexpectedness and the loud sounds of it would cause my body physical pain. I am not even tapping on emotional processing.

Many times, I had no idea that I had experienced something traumatic.

I only responded with shutdown or meltdown and then, if something happened again I would relive everything. Since I notice patterns, I would (can) relive every single similar thing that has ever happened to me before. There are times when I am experiencing a traumatic situation, but do not know how to explain what is happening. If I feel like I am being verbally attacked with words and I am unable to defend myself, it is traumatic. Verbal trauma triggers can be linked to physical trauma triggers for me.

Many times trauma is associated with abuse.

While I do have abusers from my past, I believe there is another dynamic that plays out in the autistic mind. We carry memories deep in our psyche, we are unable to process our emotions rapidly, we can lose our ability to speak, or we are unable to explain ourselves properly. We can feel intense emotions of others and have no idea what is happening – these emotions can linger for years. Anxiety and confusion can make us feel hopeless or in a constant defense mode. Everything I have shared reveals that we feel vulnerable, uneasy in our environment, disconnected from our social situations, and we are also trying to process intense sensory input.

It goes into a deeper type of trauma when we feel attacked in an environment that is supposed to be safe.

It can cause serious looping, confusion, anger, fear, anxiety, among other things. I have heard several of the recorded abuse that has happened to autistic children from recent media outlets, and it is beyond infuriating. The poor children who are unable to communicate clearly, or who are unable to tell their parents that they have been bullied by these adults is horrifying. I hear these adults purposely triggering these kids into meltdowns, later these children are labeled as uncontrollable, or worse. These teachers/aides are well aware what triggers these children have because they are part of their IEP’s.

They have been given the information handed to them to be a perfect manipulator/bully/abuser.

I personally do not understand why anyone would want to cause such trauma in a child. I cannot fathom doing such a horrendous thing. However, it does not only happen to children. There are adults as well those who are lower functioning and high-functioning. (I hate these terms, but I do not know how else to word it.) There are people, even those who claim to be supportive who when are under stress, or who are angry will use the triggers to stir some sort of emotional response.

I do not understand this and I cannot articulate what I feel about it.

Maybe they are loving and supportive the majority of the time, which could cause even more deep-rooted trauma for a person on the autism spectrum. When we give trust and it has been violated, or abused in some way it is devastating. I have read that many of us tend to forgive and forget, and can fall into repeated patterns of being manipulated/abused/bullied. We tend to doubt ourselves and get jumbled by social confusion, or intense desire to want to be accepted.

I have been reading quite a bit about relationships for a while.

I have learned that people lash out in emotional states and say things on purpose to be hurtful. Apparently, many people understand that you are supposed to let those moments go. Whatever was said in the heat of the moment is not supposed to be taken seriously. That works for people who do not rely heavily on words to define their world. It works well for those who are able to process emotions easily, or at least able to understand that the emotions are speaking. For those of us who have experienced abuse, bullies, and manipulators it can be traumatic. For those of us who are unable to express themselves, or even know how to connect their emotions it can be traumatic.

It leaves lasting scars, confusion, and triggers.

It can leave lingering anxiety, and fears. On a positive note it does not have to stay that way. The mind is changeable, ever learning, ready to be transformed, and always seeking. In this area it seems that the more mindful and aware we are of our triggers, whether emotional or physical we can help mold them in a positive way. We can take hold of these things and learn from them. We can take our negative experiences and conform them to new strengths. We can learn what our triggers are and use them to help us prepare, or work through painful experiences that have been holding us back. Some things we will not be able to change about our minds, but we can learn to make our life much easier to understand. If we are able to explain ourselves, and not feel outcast for our feelings we can improve.

We can change, grow, and be productive and proactive.

We can help others, and share our experiences. We need a safe, judgmental free, and caring environment to do this. It doesn’t have to be a lot, many times the slightest bit of genuine encouragement can change a whole lot of things. I think it should be a goal to teach those on the spectrum how to encourage themselves, and gain the tools to have and keep confidence. It is hard to keep it in a world that is constantly attacking differences or things it does not understand. Learning to how to encourage oneself, and learning how to eliminate much of negative self-talk can change someone really quick! We need positive scripts to cast down all of the negative ones. Those words can be for anyone not only those on the autism spectrum. I am making friends with my triggers because they are helping me become friends with myself.

Sound cheesy? Well, I am kind of a cheesy person. Zoinks!

Resources!

New Clues on Rewiring Your Brain

How Do You Trigger Positive? Find Your Pathways to Happiness

Neuroscientists Identify How Trauma Triggers Long-Lasting Memories In The Brain

Trauma, Triggers and Flashbacks

Friday Video – Janet Treasure (Great quick video talking about eating disorders and autism.)

Gut Almighty

Building Bulletproof Courage

I have been speaking from an Aspergers perspective, but I understand that there are parents who feel trauma, possibly even PTSD raising an autistic child. As I have mentioned all throughout it is different for everyone. The first three to four years with Daniel felt very isolating, confusing, and at times traumatic. We can still have our days. I had my intense reactions, but completely unaware what was happening to me. I felt so helpless and distressed some days. If you are a parent not on the spectrum I understand that you have your own ways of processing and need to feel allowed to speak too. I found this article that may help you. It did help me too.

Autism and PTSD

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05/22/12

Making Friends With Triggers I

I am not sure what comes to people’s mind when they read, or hear the word “trigger.” If you are a survivor of some sort of trauma you know exactly what I mean when I use the word trigger. If it is something, completely foreign to you this word could seem foolish, or even considered irrational. The word trigger could have multiple meanings and uses. We all share a common bond with triggers. They can be positive as well as negative. I have many positive triggers, but my negative ones have been so overriding that it made it difficult to even think about positive ones until recently.

Triggers are used in many outlets, advertisers use triggers all the time.

Many times they are used to manipulate some sort of emotional response, whether through media advertising, or emotional manipulation. I found this Uncover And Manipulate Your Triggers To Optimise Your Work And Life to have some great ideas. I started doing some of them on my own without realizing what I was doing. People may not think of everyday triggers, and trauma triggers in the same vein. For me triggers are triggers, good ones can lead into negative ones, the negative ones can lead into to positive ones. My brain does not decipher or keep hold of one or the other.

It can be hard to explain.

Also, what can or has traumatized me may seem rather silly to others. An example, there is a commercial about a water faucet, they show hands covered in all sorts of sensory rich things. I found it here, but could only watch about two seconds – it physically hurts my body to watch this. The first time I saw it I screamed, David thought I was exaggerating in a funny way, but finally realized that when I kept saying, “Get it off! Get it off!” I was serious. Every time I see a glimpse of this commercial, my body feels like it is being attacked. I cannot stand any sort of gooey substance on my hands.

Just looking at the commercial makes me feel like my hands are bound.

It feels suffocating, and like my hands are stuck and I cannot get them out. I know to write this out sounds ridiculous, but it is true. The commercial causes me physical pain, we can laugh it off, but when I hear the song the TV has to be turned off, or the channel changed, anything to get it off. I have not had some sort of traumatic event where my hands were bound by a substance. I have had time after time when my hands were covered in some sticky residue that I could not get off. As a child, my mom said that I would scream and scream if I had things on my hands. I would stand flapping my hands yelling, “Get it off! I’m sticky!”

I was so inconsistent to her though.

I would love to play in the dirt and the mud, touch slimy critters, and play in flour. However, when I was done I would immediately start to panic and have to get it off my hands. People have used this particular thing about me to torment me, or mock me. Hence, trigger-happy commercial pulling up many other negative emotions that I had no idea were being triggered until right at this moment. A’ha!

In order for me to take hold of my healing, I have to understand what causes me to react in such ways.

My brain requires certain types of answers in order for me to become self-reliant. I need to know what keeps derailing me, and I believe my mindset about triggers is a big one. I have been working on them for the past year and rewiring my brain, but I had the mindset that I had no control over them. I didn’t know what they were. I thought they were invading thoughts, or uncontrollable emotional outbursts. I had no idea that my mind was trying to tell me something. I have a lifetime of constant surprise attacks. My environment, my social situations, and my own emotions they have all been like bombs exploding my world at every corner.

The world was so confusing, so unpredictable, and so painful that all I could do was put on my armor.

I had no time or ability to learn – I had to protect! I did not comprehend that I was disconnected to my emotions, and that I required long times of processing them. In reality, I was unable to process anything. I had been told for a lifetime to “get over it.” Life goes on, other people have it worse, if you express emotions you are weak, etc… I assumed something was wrong with me and I pushed down, or stimmed away anything that I did not understand.

The last trigger that cast me into this mode made me angry.

I shutdown, I could not talk, my mind flooded with thoughts of self-harm because my situation felt hopeless. I felt as if this person had no desire to understand, will never try to understand, and will continually not listen to me. When the thoughts of self-harm and desperation crept up, I decided to take a hold of them. I decided that they were no longer allowed to attack me. I realized that I had done nothing wrong – I was trying to find solutions, and my mind thinks in very different ways.

I was not going to allow myself to take all of what I was feeling and attack myself.

Instead, I wrote about it. I got it out, and I helped myself see that there were many things wrapped into that situation. I refused to feel hopeless, or like a victim. I decided to take all of my energy and research. I needed to understand triggers, and why my brain automatically goes to self-harm, or self-attack mode. My brain triggers that response when I feel hopeless because I have never felt heard. I have explained this before, but the issue is when I speak what I am feeling people get upset. If I do not speak what I am feeling, people get upset. If I try to write it out, or be very direct, my words end up being used against me.

They are not used in the context in which I meant and that causes confusion.

I have tried to speak my feelings, pains, and concerns and they have been downplayed through evasively threaded words. I cannot prove a thing, but many times when I have spoken people undermine by being non-responsive, or overpowering it with their own ideas. Even worse taking my ideas and making them their own. I have gotten to the point where I felt like it was pointless to share anything. Again, this has been a lifelong situation. I am not one who makes themselves seen, or one who bursts out trying to take the attention.

I will curl into an inward ball, and hide myself away – for years.

Trust is something that is very hard to get from me. I have been hurt too many times – by those closest to me. It’s been a life cycle of what feels (actually was at times) like betrayal, abandonment, misunderstood, and as if my voice has been stripped from me. When I have these feeling triggered I shutdown. Recently, my shutdowns have turned into a few meltdowns. I am tired of feeling as if I am a horrible person for having a meltdown. There are so many reasons for a meltdown to take place, but the bottom line is they happen because something is wrong. There are too many factors to pinpoint sometimes, but there is something wrong and the brain wants it fixed.

Simplified definition.

One way that I have been learning is to know my triggers and no longer allow them to be in control. Sometimes this just cannot happen. Sometimes it is too difficult to realize the trigger, and there must be time to process in a safe place, with safe loving people. What I have been doing is trying to understand triggers – by researching them, I am realizing what many of mine are and how to control them. I have done this in the area of sensory/social input and processing – I am now doing it for emotional input and processing. In the areas of sensory/social, I can now explain when I am feeling overloaded, and many times why. Sometimes not, but I have gotten much better.

I have learned many of my limitations and have accepted them.

I also, have learned the types of people and environments that I fit best in. These are not excuses to not socialize with certain people, I am just unable to have particular types of people in my life. They are toxic and cause me trauma and confusion. It is important to have people who believe you, and understand the severity of these limitations. It is important also, for them to know you well enough to see where to help push certain limits. If they brush you off, or are constantly confused by this there is a communication misfire somewhere. You need to be heard, understood, and accepted. Many times triggers have caused me to not be able to function. A word or action can send me into another world. Let me give the definition of triggers so we are clear.

What is a Trigger? (A good read, but mostly focused on abuse. It seems that triggers can be a bit different for those on the autism spectrum.)

A trigger is something that sets off a memory tape or flashback transporting the person back to the event of her/his original trauma.

Triggers are very personal; different things trigger different people. The survivor may begin to avoid situations and stimuli that she/he thinks triggered the flashback. She/he will react to this flashback, trigger with an emotional intensity similar to that at the time of the trauma. A person’s triggers are activated through one or more of the five senses: sight, sound, touch, smell and taste.

The senses identified as being the most common to trigger someone are sight and sound, followed by touch and smell, and taste close behind. A combination of the senses is identified as well, especially in situations that strongly resemble the original trauma. Although triggers are varied and diverse, there are often common themes.

I did not realize I was doing it, but I cut off music, movies, and books.

I would remove anything from my life that caused me to have emotional triggers. I started to go into a very damaging place and not allowing myself to feel anything. A few years ago I started to take away anything that made me have positive triggers as well as negative ones. There is a whole mess of stuff I need to process there. I am not going to on this post. I have been taking back my positive triggers (memories), and I have been reworking my negative triggers. It has made it possible for me to enjoy music once again. (There is another filtered element of religious condemnation that I had to work through with that as well.) Still I have a different reaction toward music type of triggers, and verbal type triggers.

The triggers are enhanced when I feel confused, anxious, misunderstood, or attacked.

(I am not talking physically.) In the second half of this post I talk more about how having sensory issues and social confusion can cause traumas that people would not usually consider traumatic. Until tomorrow!

Continued Making Friends With Triggers II…

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05/20/12

I Exist, I Exist

I am on a crusade of gaining parts of me back in a big way. The thing that I love about triggers, and the ways of humanity is that it helps me gain myself back. (I don’t really love anything about triggers, but they do help me gain perspective and understanding.) Every experience opens me up to things I have been too confused, or overwhelmed to see. Let’s see…in some cases, I have not wanted to see it. Why? Because I do not like to believe that I am right about people.

This is one reason why I have to limit my social encounters.

When I was alone, or with people that I did not feel the need to manage their emotions, I was much more capable of being around people. I am doing much better now that the kids are older, and Daniel is able to communicate. I still get swarmed with instant “feelings” about people. I have learned to stop myself from paying attention to these feelings, but they are still there. I learned to stop them because they were too confusing, people convinced me I was wrong, I felt bad for thinking that a person had wrong motives, and I would feel guilty when I discovered I was right.

I want so much to believe that people are good.

I naturally feel this, but the truth is many people are hurt. We all learn our own coping mechanisms and some of those can be traumatic for others. In my case if another person uses manipulative coping mechanisms on me it can cause me to turn inward and think that I am the problem. This works very well for manipulators, bullies, and abusers. It takes me a while to figure out that these things are happening to me – no it takes a long time for me to accept that these things are happening to me.

I see the good in people no matter how rotten they are.

I will have a tendency to speak evil of myself before I will speak evil of another person. However, I understand that speaking the truth is not speaking evil. I have been conditioned to believe this. I have been conditioned to believe that I am always wrong. I have been conditioned to believe that other people’s emotions and desires are more important than mine are. I have been conditioned to feel like who I am is not worthy of acceptance, freedom, and the ability to speak what is on my mind. This started from an early age and has continued. Falling into these types of relationships can be a case of familiarity and thinking it is the only way. There can be more expressed here, but I am not going into it.

BUT the thing about manipulators, good ones, is that they convince you that they are your “Biggest Fan!”

They filter in their language with pleasantries, words that sound like they are building up, and being supportive, but in reality, they have covered up the true meanings behind them. Their words are convincing and sound loving, but they contort them and speckle them with other words that constantly reassure you that you can do nothing without them.

You cannot prove a thing – they are in a continual state of shape shifting.

You feel at times like you are going insane. They twist your words, they twist their words, and they twist other people’s words, and become your entire world. When you step out a little bit they will attack you – completely off guard to keep you on your toes. There is a constant threat, but you never know what the threat is. You feel like you are trapped. Your whole existence feels as if it is stripped away and you cannot survive unless you have that breathing life force to convince you otherwise.

Once you realize all of this it is a sickening feeling.

What makes it worse is if the person is completely unaware of what they are doing. Though, whenever they feel stressed, out of control, or see you start to achieve goals that they were so supportive of, they can lash out. Sometimes on purpose, sometimes not. They know your triggers and they use them against you. They know your gifts and they use them against you. They know your weaknesses and they use them against you. They are afraid of losing something, and that something means more to them than anything else on earth. You know longer matter as a person you have now become their object.

They believe that it is love and support.

I was unaware of emotional manipulators, and I wrote a post last September about my discoveries. Emotional Manipulators–OMG! My mind is always pondering without my knowledge though – it is always collecting data, and watching for patterns. I will understand eventually, and I will apply what I have learned. People on the autism spectrum can be targets for these types of people. We can be naive, gullible, and have constantly forgiving hearts. We want to accept people because we know how painful it is not to be accepted. We can have the ability to see the good in people that others do not see. We have to be educated and trained up to know how to protect ourselves – it is crucial.

I do not believe that all emotional manipulators are bad.

The average person is manipulating through communication most of the day. We want people to gear toward what we are feeling, and we tend to lean toward convincing others that we are right. We want things our way – I understand that. It is different when the manipulation is causing another person to spiral into depression, isolation, and loss of self. Even if the manipulator never intended for this and truly cares about the person.

The problem with manipulators is that they do not believe they are manipulating.

They believe that they are the most loving and caring person – sacrificing everything for the sake of the other. I am realizing that after many, many years of feeling fear of not existing, feeling invisible, being unheard, and not having a voice these feelings are starting to crumble. I do exist, I do have a voice, and I am working very hard at casting down the voices that try to convince me otherwise. I have to remind myself that I exist. Me – the person that I know is inside. I lost who I was, I am gaining that person back, and I am discovering new things as well.

Apparently, this is pretty common for Aspie women who begin to wander into their 40′s.

I read that from Rudy Simone’s latest book, which has helped me have my eyes opened to A LOT of things. Last September, when I wrote about some of this, I was 38 years-old and truly did not know about emotional manipulators. The thought of others who may not know either breaks my heart. It causes such pain, confusion, self-condemnation, loss of self-confidence, isolation, depression, among other things. I still have not grasped this – it is so foreign to me. Also, I have been in a constant state of self-doubt throughout my life that it makes it hard to accept these things. I have learned to blame myself first, and think the other person is right. I am working on that though, and I am already feeling my mind change.

Here are some resources I found helpful.

7 Signs You’re in a Manipulative Relationship

How to Detect Micro Expressions

Verbal Emotional Abuse

Manipulation and Relationship Triangles

An Examination of Emotional Manipulation

Excerpt from above post:

“Another reason I haven’t addressed this directly is that my parents are great people. Sometimes I’m not sure they’re even aware of how what they say affects me. I don’t think they sit around strategizing about how to emotionally manipulate me, it just sort of happens. And amazingly, it’s done in some way out of love.”

Emotional Abuse Awareness (I have the images below from this link.)

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05/18/12

Rambling, I Guess

Wow! My day was a whirlwind. I had a horrible day yesterday, it got better in the evening, but I was exhausted. I did go to the store, and got out of the house for a little bit to clear my head. It helped me a bit. I had the disappointment of discovering that the house I felt like was the house had been taken off the listing. Something inside told me that it was going to come back up though, and that it would be available.

The woman I had been in contact with shared another house, but there was no way it would work.

I decided to just stop thinking about it, but then yesterday I got a little panicky because we have to get a truck and a plane ticket and start packing. I talked to my step mom and she was going to have her parents look around for me. My aunt finally got to look at the place and said it was a nice quiet neighborhood. That bummed me out more, and I told her that they had people planned on moving in June 1st.

During the day I had started to question my sanity.

I started to feel hopeless for various reasons – it wasn’t just that. I was feeling very alone and isolated. My thoughts were starting to spin into not so happy places as I pulled into Target’s parking lot. I saw a huge crow flying across the sky pretty close, just gliding and it made me smile. I was wishing that I were a crow at that moment so I could fly and play in the sky. I hurried through Target and came out to the car seeing an “Infinity” in big orange letters on a truck next to me.

I did a double take because I thought it was for Xfinity (Comcast cable).

I saw infinity (I still don’t know if my eyes were messing with me.) and thought it was strange as a matter-of-fact I got annoyed. Two things that mean something to me that can usually make me feel comfort a crow and infinity. I was in such a foul mood that when I got in the car and saw 8:11 pm I rolled my eyes. Especially, since I had shared a poem I wrote about the number 11 with a friend on her blog earlier in the morning before my day was ruined. I laughed at everything and shook it off. I had to go to another store to get a few items and then I headed home.

Oh, I forgot to mention that I wandered over to my mom’s before going to the store.

I needed to hang with my mom and sister for a while. They helped me get a clear head. On the way there, Guns N’ Roses-Civil War played on the radio. Their music is always good for me to listen to LOUD when I am upset. I guess this radio station really like them because after I left mom’s, and headed to the store they were playing Guns N’ Roses-November Rain. This band represents my hometown to me in a huge way. I thought it was odd, but did not think much else about it. I was feeling a little happy because my sister and I made plans to go see Dark Shadows next Sunday. We thought it would be fun since we both like darky type things. (For those who do not know I was named after Angelique from the original Dark Shadows.)

I got home, checked my email, and had a few surprise emails to make me smile.

One being the representative that I had been working with for the house. She said, “Good news Angel, the house is back on the listing and I thought you would be interested.” Yeppers! I contacted her right away via email and started the application process. Then, this morning we hit a few snags, but bottom line we just need to be approved and the house is ours. There should be no problems. She described the house for me in more detail and it sounds much like this one.

That made me happy.

I ended up being on the phone with her this morning, chatting with my aunt on fb, talking to my step mom on the phone, then, the neighbor and her daughter came over for a couple of hours. It was all good. I have two solid days of social encounters and a major stressful event and I am doing pretty well. Maybe it’s the calm before the storm! Aaaaaaa!! I feel much better about the house though. It still could all fall through for some reason, but I really feel like this is the place.

I feel better getting closer to actual dates and being able to plan in more detail.

I am so excited to see my aunt. I was a little worried about the woman that I had been conversing with from an autism group there. I ended up downloading a ton of information because she shared that insurance doesn’t cover many of the therapies there and she was interested in ABA therapy. Well that led me into a huge tangent about different therapies, and what I have done with Daniel, and all of the resource materials I have that could possibly help her. I only sent her two links – I was proud of myself. I normally send at least 5…ok, maybe 10.

I did apologize in case I downloaded too much information.

She emailed back and said that it was no problem, that she loves to hear what other parents are doing to help their children, and that she is looking forward to meeting me when we get there. WHAT? What a relief. I am in a little shock with all of this niceness going on. I will go with it though. I think it makes a difference that the people are more familiar to me there. I know how to talk to them a little better. I know how to fit in if I need to – not to stop being me… It is a little hard to explain.

I do the same thing in South Florida.

I just understand it better. I felt the same way in Sweden when visiting. It felt foreign, but much more familiar. Here and in the West (I lived out there twice, both times I ended up in a depressive state.) I felt like an isolated alien who was going to crumble from constant confusion. Yes, I guess I am rambling indeed.

Drifting back into moving.

The kids are getting excited now. I have been showing them the house and talking about the plans in detail. I have been working on a time line for them. They are nervous, but excited at the same time. I have been showing them pictures of family that live there, and places that we will go to help them get familiar. I hope that, the more I do this the smoother it will be. Oh, boy I just got really tired. I guess I will stop my ramble, and go ramble with the kids a bit.

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05/17/12

Need A Dose Of Happy

Things that go up must come down. I have come down, but I choose not to talk about that right now. No, no! (Well, I share a little bit at the end.) I am going to share happy. I will share what the kids said they will be when they grow up. Yesterday, I was reading to Daniel. He had pulled a collection of books about planets. Pure awesomeness! We were loving it, his favorite planet is Earth mine is Mars. I asked him if he was going to be an astronaut when he grew up, he said “No.” He told me how much he liked the rings around Saturn so I asked him if he was going to be an astronomer, he said “No.” So I asked “How about a physicist?” He asked “What is that?”

I explained it to him and asked if that sounded like fun.

He said “Yes, but I am not going to work when I grow up.” This made me laugh so I asked “What are you going to do? You will need money to support yourself.” He said ”I am staying home.” He then, went on to say that he wanted to be a scientist, that studies planets, but he will live at home. Ha ha ha Well he is seven so it is not that close for him to make these types of decisions. I asked Joshua this morning because last night Ariel went into a detailed description of what she wants to do when she grows up. She shared all of her details with David. (This topic comes up frequently around here because Ariel is very concerned with her future, and it gets all of us thinking about it.)

I will share hers in a moment, she has since added to job listings.

Joshua told me this morning that he was going to be a “scientist doctor.” “I want to study the moon. All because of that movie. (Despicable Me) I want to see the moon.” (giggle, giggle) Daniel repeated what Joshua said and added “Me too!” It was ironic last night that Ariel and David started discussing hypothermia which led into the conversation of Ariel sharing what she was going to do when she grows up. I had not heard the conversation and I am thankful that David wrote down what she said. The ironic part was that I was writing a poem about snowflakes and cold, along with reading quotes from the movie Alive.

Here is what she shared:

When I am older, I will create a box full of medicine.
When you take it, your body will be stronger.
So it will be easier to fix your hands, your fingers, your eyes if you are blind, and your toes.
Then, you will have them back again as if they were brand new.

Ariel shares with me frequently all of the things she plans to do.

She has a passion to save the environment, and animals and tells me ways that she will help save earth when she gets older. She has a ton of ideas that usually involve saving the planet, animals, and people. While I was talking to the boys about what they wanted to do, Ariel added that she wanted to be a marine biologist.

Here is our conversation.

Ariel: I want to be a marine biologist too.

Me: Do you know what a marine biologist is?

Ariel: Yes, it’s a person who studies animals in the water.
I want to study them and other animals, and discover animals never found before!
When I am a teenager I am going to write because I am going to be a writer too.

These guys make me giggle so much.

While I am sharing I will add some quotes from them in the last few weeks. They crack me up. Some of you may have seen these already, but I think they are worth rereading…I am their mom!

Daniel: Hey mom, are freezing hot dogs called cool dogs? (I laughed so hard I almost could not answer. I told him yes, believe me that was the best thing to say.)

Joshua: What? What? Why are you looking at me? You think I have boxers on or something?

(Ariel and I were sitting on the couch, she was reading X-Men Volume II, telling me how much she liked Beast and Night Crawler, stopping her conversational flow:

Ariel: I don’t know why, but I like creatures much more than humans.

Needing a dose of happy today and that worked.

I had another maintenance guy come today to fix the ice maker he was here yesterday, but could not fix it without permission. He had to replace it. The dishwasher guy finally came today – that was a huge fiasco that I do not feel like talking about, but yeah…they did not come last week. AND he cannot fix it until May 29th, which happens to be the day of Daniel’s reevaluation. Daniel and I will be gone so David will be here to handle it. I have still been washing the dishes by hand, and last night I ran out of dish washing liquid. I have dishes in the sink and it makes me want to cry. Sounds silly, I know. It is not really the dishes, there are several other things, but I would feel better if I had the dishes clean and put away.

The store does not sound like a place I want to go to tonight.

Oh, well I think I need another dose of happy after writing about that. This song was in my YouTube feed I thinks it’s fun. I am head bobbin’ “Like a Lady” Hee hee Oh, and some sky/nature shots to share. Zappy!

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05/15/12

Here We Go!

Things have felt like a pressure cooker waiting to blow for months. This could make you think a multitude of things, but fear not this is not a bad post. I could possibly share a few panic moments in the process of writing this, but they are only fleeting and know that all is well. I am writing out the positives so that I do not freak out about having to pack in the next month!

My search for houses has been short and hassle free.

Once I seriously started looking, after discovering we had to have a house before we move to my hometown that is states and states away, I found one immediately. This happens to me every time I go looking, whether I am in town or not. I will see a house and know that it is mine. I just feel it. I did this with the picture of the house I saw and felt like it was it. I am still somewhat leery though. I asked my aunt to go check it out and we will see how that plays out. She is planning to go today.

The neighborhood is near where she used to live so it looks promising.

It is 10 minutes away from her, my grandma, most of the stores I will frequent, and close enough, but far enough away from the expressway to work well. It is in a cul-de-sac, which I would like very much. So I will wait and see what auntie thinks and feels about it. I contacted the real estate agent and it seems all can go very smoothly as long as we put down our deposit we can hold it with no problem.

Everything is being pushed forward sooner because we discovered our current lease is up at the end of June.

We thought it was July so now everything is becoming a reality. It is freaking me out! I am excited! I am scared! I am happy! I am so elated at all of the resources available for the kids in that area! OMG! I am going to be more social! Yea! I am going to be more social! Yikes! Wait! Ok, nervous breakdown. I am back. It seems like it is going to be a positive thing. So far, all of my interactions with people have been positive.

AND wait for it…The grocery stores carry WAY more gluten-free products than here!

AND they have the Udi’s gluten-free bagels that I love, plus restaurants with gluten-free items, Oh, boy! Oh, boy! That lifts a small load off my shoulders. I know, I may sound silly, but food is a huge source of stress around here. The possibility of not having to go to five different stores and stay on top of bulk ordering through Amazon sounds so nice.

I am also excited because I discovered huge home school groups there!

They have coops that I can get involved with as well. The YMCA offers home school lessons for swimming, and other activities as well. Oh, goodness. There are several autism support groups in the area and an Easter Seals that offers certain programs as well. I am almost in tears thinking about all of this stuff. The possibility of having these things open to us is such a wonderful feeling. I hate to admit it though I am still a bit apprehensive and will not succumb to any actual joy until I see it.

I have been burned too many times over the years.

I am not being too cynical or too hopeful just a right amount of “We’ll see.” I do know that there is a lot more options available, and that in itself makes me have hope. I am planning to enroll the kids into virtual school this year to help us all stay on a better schedule. I will feel it out for a year, supplement where I think they may need and pick the brains of the teachers as much as possible while I have access to them!

I like the thought of having accountability and scheduled tasks.

It helps me set goals and gives me a sense of achievement. I believe it will do the same for the kids. I like that the school; has virtual clubs, and offers specialized programs for child. They will even do IEP and schedule virtual therapies if needed. It is through the school system – I am still in the process of researching, but so far, I think it sounds pretty good. The school systems in my hometown are much better than here.

Although, they require nothing for home school requirements.

I do not feel comfortable with that. I like someone coming in and checking on how my kids are learning, progressing, and sharing things that I need to work on to help them. I need that input. I know other people may not, but I do. We will need much more of a stable schedule and routine because David will be traveling much more and staying away for long stretches at a time. The kids will need as much stability as possible. It worked really well with him being gone this last time.

They adjusted much sooner.

We scheduled time in Google hangout to help them stay connected. They missed him, but they also felt much calmer with him being gone this time. I talked to them about him being gone more, and they were fine as long as they could see him and talk to him. It’s not the same for them of course, but at least they were able to adjust well. My mom has been supportive as much as she can be and I hate leaving her. I really do – it makes me so sad to leave her, my sisters, and my little nephew. I have to go though – this move has a purpose and goals.

Goals for me to gain my independence.

To work on gaining back some of my skills that I lost, gaining new skills, and self-confidence back. As well as reclaiming my past in a new positive light. I have been working on unthreading negative emotions linked to areas, places, and people – reminding myself of the positive ones. If I cannot think of any positive ones, I am overriding the negative associations with new positive ones. I am excited for the kids to get involved socially and taking them to the places that I loved as a kid. I cannot wait to share with them the adventures that my mom and I had when I was a child.

I think they will enjoy some of the things as much as I did (do).

I realized that many of my negative associations are not even mine. They belong to my mom. She hates that town. She thinks that if she were to go back that she would be going backwards. She said that she would be stuck. I told her that was not true for me at all. She didn’t realize how her words had affected me and later said how those were her feelings for herself, not for me. After thinking about it more, I realized that all of my life my mom talked about what a horrible town it was.

She constantly spoke words of hatred toward it.

It was very confusing because I had so many good memories. I grew up there. I also have many bad memories…I grew up there. That is what happens. There is a mixture of people who love or hate living there. I understood for the first time that I am not attached either way. It is a place. It is not who I am. It does not dictate my attitude. It has no control over me. It is nothing, but a town and I can accomplish great things here or there or on the moon. I am free.

I am no longer going to listen to other people’s attitudes toward places.

I have family who speak so negatively toward any place they live. I am not one to sit in a place and complain. If things aren’t working, I leave. I am not bound by anything, and once I have made my decision it always works out. I do not uproot in a whim. It may sound like it from what I just said, but I normally have been thinking about it for months or years. The only place that was an actual whim like adventure was when I moved with David to the West. I think we should have thought about that much more and planned better.

This place has not been working for a long time.

I have tried very hard to make it work. I love this house, the beach, the weather, and being close to my mom, but those things are not helping my children or me. So here we go off onto the next adventure. If it doesn’t work, well at least I know that every place I go and whatever decisions I make I always learn something and I am changed. These types of things make me a better person. I look forward to that – seeing what comes out of me next, and the anticipation of seeing how the kids grow and learn. I am so excited for them.

Onward and Upward! (I am wearing a cape!)

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Mind Retrofit

Upgrading to the Asperger's Life

Monthly Archives: May 2012

Three Years! Really?

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