Short Post (Kind of) and Clouds!

I have been writing a lot lately and need to let some things sink in. I forget that I do not have to publish every single post I write. I know this, but sometimes I am struck with intense emotions of: “I have to get this out, right now!” Today I am keeping it light. I have not shared my clouds lately, so I will share a few. I will also share some of what the kids have been doing. I had a few intense anxiety filled days after the symposium. I am hoping to articulate what I have discovered about my brain, its memory leak, and debugging some of my system. :-) (Not today) The kids have been off — I think it is because of the time change and me being gone for a whole day. Daniel has had potty problems, Joshua has had a couple of accidents too the last few of days. Hmm…Just after I commented on another blog how we haven’t problems in a long time. :-/

Potty issues send me into hypersensitive mode.

I do not do well with wet, sticky, smelly, poopy clothes, floors, or bedding! It makes me feel nauseous. I can’t even talk about it anymore because I am getting that sickly feeling. Despite any mishaps, we had a good week. I was very happy that I did not have another meltdown. I had a couple of social encounters that confused me, sent me into a loop, but only for a matter of minutes. It was not my usual hours or days, leading into: “What did I do wrong?” type of thinking. I told myself I was socially stressed and needed to let it go. After thinking about my meltdown the day of the symposium, I was very proud of the fact that I did not mentally attack myself for getting lost. I did ask questions like “Why can’t I find it?” and “What is wrong with me?”, but I did not go into negative self-talk. I let it go, and went in to conference hall. I did not talk negatively about myself to others while explaining that I got lost and had a meltdown.

These are some big accomplishments for me.

When I drove home, I calmly thought about why I got lost, and accepted it. I told myself it was ok, and I didn’t continue looping about it. HUGE! My stress levels were at an all time high, even though I looked calm, cool, and collected. I have learned the art of masking my stress and anxiety so well that at times I can even fool myself. :-) I am still in recovery and realized that a couple of times this weekend I went into an old pattern loop. It is a loop that pops up about people who I care about and love. It starts with questions about their behavior or words toward me. I find inconsistencies from experiences with them, or I misread their actions/words. I start to think that they do not care about me at all. I begin to comb over actions or lack of actions and create reasons for why they no longer care about me.

I did not have clarity about this until I wrote my last post.

A little later in the day, I caught myself in this loop. I was making up irrational ideas based on what seemed to be perfectly logical reasons. I did reason logically, but my outcomes and things I was reasoning were illogical to a point. Some of them could be quite true. However, I was basing my reasons on inaccurate, inconclusive, and past experiences that no longer apply.  When I took ALL of the information, adding their character, who they are in my life, and how they have expressed their feelings for me, it revealed that I was looping a negative anxiety loop.

My conclusions were based on rational (faulty) emotional reasoning.

My thoughts needed to be evaluated based on rational emotional and hard evidence based reasoning. It felt so good to see with clarity one of my tried and true faulty loops that has been with me since a child. It was empowering to be able to recognize my negative loop and be able to stop it. I thought about my reasons and quickly concluded that I was still feeling the aftermath of anxiety from last Wednesday. Yea! My mind has been getting dizzy too because the kids are completely engulfed with Pokémon. Everything is Pokémon! All three of them are talking non-stop about them. Drawing them, building them, acting like them. They are now Pokémon!

Ok, that is not true, but it feels like it.

Anyway, the good news is that the kids have been playing Pokémon very well together. There have been some heated discussions about it, but overall it has been good. It is awesome to see Daniel be so involved and remember the names and even act like Ash. I haven’t seen him act like any type of character before. He has been practicing making their animated faces and it is the funniest thing to watch. I asked him what he was doing and he said: “Making my mouth go down because I am grumpy.” Joshua said: “I make that face all the time. It means I am grumpy!” Everyone has their own Pokémon deck they chose Purrloin for me who happens to be a Devious Pokemon. She also has the abilities of Limber or Unburden Prankster. AND she is like a cat! They also gave me a deck of “dark” types, Zorua is in my deck. A tricky fox whose ability is illusion, you know it! Hee hee I am done!

Picture time!

 


 

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2 thoughts on “Short Post (Kind of) and Clouds!

  1. Lori Degtiarev

    I enjoy your blog so much. You take self-discovery seriously and work through your issues with clarity and insight.

    I realy related to this:

    “It starts with questions about their behavior or words toward me. I find inconsistencies from experiences with them, or I misread their actions/words. I start to think that they do not care about me at all”

    My navigation with other people is faulty. Under stress, I misinterpret, confuse and make myself miserable. It is faulty emotional reasoning, execerbated (for me!) by a dose of OCD. My brain sticks to certain notions and reason does not work at all.

    This is why I doodle, paint and write. It takes me out of those loops. You cope with so much! I want to pat you on the back for attending the symposium and being so mindful of your internal states. It is very hard work. :)

    Lori

  2. Angel Post author

    Lori,

    I am so glad you enjoy it. It makes my day to read that. :-) This self-discovery is so new to me. Many years I spent my time trying to understand myself on the basis of being defective, now that I have a new perspective I am gaining new enlightenment. I am so thankful that it resonates with others. It helps the process feel worthwhile.

    This loop was hard for me to share because in way I felt embarrassed. It is hard to explain, that is the only word I can describe it as. It is so helpful for you to share. I am not sure these thoughts, or loops will ever stop, but at least I am starting to recognize them. It helps to know my body, mind, and emotional response. Before I would accept the faulty thinking as truth, seek validation from the person I was feeling this with, and it would have a negative outcome.

    I was stopping myself from being creative for a very long time which made the impact of my emotions, and intensity of my loops even worse. I think allowing myself to flow in creativity has become an outlet for these emotions to find direction and give me clarity.

    Thank you for your encouraging words!
    Angel

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