Yesterday I didn’t give the date any thought. I was busily cleaning and organizing Ariel’s room. We had a very light day for school because my anxiety filled with both excitement and stress were at high levels. The kids were filled with the same feelings because everyone had lingering in the back of their minds that I would be gone all day today. My thoughts were cloudy, silly, and racing. Thankfully, it was gorgeous outside and the kids got much needed running and playing out of their system. My mind started to focus on the silliest of things. I was in such an off frame of mind I started sharing my silliness on facebook. Then had a moment of panic that I shared then calmed down and redirected my energy.
My efforts went straight to numbers.
I started looking at some of my images I have tucked away on here. I went back to the image that I have up for one of my poems that I could stare at all day. When I first saw it made me think of flexure. That is actually the name of the poem. The image led to me thinking of curves, that led to thinking about swimming in the number 8, leading to backstroking into infinity, pulling my thoughts to materials that stretch and bend, discovering topology. From there I went on a quick journey of reading and researching many thoughts that ultimately ended with me thinking of Pi and writing a poem about it in a fun and whimsical way.
The way I see numbers. Irrational Number
I just let you have a teeny taste of what happens in my mind during a 15-minute snack break around here. The good thing about anxiety is I have incredible focus on my special interests when it hits me. I am able to write poems very quickly. I can research something in record time. I have the ability to direct great amount of energy on something and get it done — this only works for my special interests. If I am asked to do something else during a spout of anxiety induced adrenaline rush, I cannot focus. My mind turns to fuzz, I begin to sweat, my heart races, I feel panicky, and it takes twice as long to get it done. If I am able to get it done at all. I have learned that when I am feeling this I need to let myself loop into my special interest. I have learned not to be sucked in for hours or lose time…most of the time.
It is much better for all of us when I allow my mind to seek comfort and stim.
I am going to the autism symposium that I have gone to the past two years today. The first year I ended up lost, in a meltdown, sobbing, and forcing myself to go inside. It ended fine it was the getting there that was awful and the effects of the panic, meltdown, and sensory that took me days to recover from. Last year I was so panicky that David had to go with me and that caused other forms of anxiety. This year I was feeling anxious and I am a little now, but it is not the same. I have taken extra measures to help me calm down and I am better equipped in what I need to do for myself. I did not have that last year or the year before. I was still condemning myself for not being able to be a “normal” person who can go to a symposium without a complete meltdown.
The negative talk has stopped.
I will feel comfort and peace with my little iShuffle. I will try to be as calm as possible leaving the kids with David all day. I will make sure that I have the cell phone on me. I will look over my directions another 50 times, even though I know how to get there. I will try to direct all the other thoughts bouncing around in my head on my excitement of what I will learn today. All of this meshing up in my head made me not realize the date. When I wrote my poem last night, I did not consciously realize that today was Pi Day. I usually use this day to teach the kids some cool things. We will do it tomorrow — if we are up to it with all the change from today. I thought it was funny when David said something about it being Pi day. He was surprised that I had not been talking about it all day. I was all: “What? Oh, Yea, Wednesday is Pi day. And I wrote a poem about Pi.” Hee hee
So Happy Pi Day I hope you have a great day!!