I love to read about people from the past. I drift into their worlds and escape into words written about them, but the true gem is to have their actual writings and read them. In my other worlds that I drift off to, they are filled with meeting these people from the past and asking them questions. I discovered Ada Lovelace years ago, but I limited myself to reading too much about her because I felt too drawn to her. I did the same thing with John Keats. When I feel too drawn to people alive or dead I tend to stop myself from seeking information about them until I feel ready. I can get consumed and if I fall for them, forget it I am gone. I have learned to control this somewhat and I have found a nice balance. In the real world this may be considered “stalking”.
I am not a stalker in the scary sense.
I am a stalker in an endearing wanting to learn everything about a person or thing, to relate or enjoy them kind of way. I do not tape up thousands and thousands of photos of a person, or walk around lurking in the shadows for them. I confess I do DO that for information. Information doesn’t care or get scared if you stalk it. I digress! Ada Lovelace was one who I felt a deep connection to as soon as I saw her name. I have recently been researching her in greater detail and have found myself immersed in emotion, and excitement. Her contribution to the world is so amazing. Many of the women in the past who contributed a great deal to science and math are forgotten. She is considered the first computer programmer. She had ideas and vision for the future that was astounding for her day especially coming from a “woman”. (Sarcasm intended)
When I find woman that I relate to — I can cling to them very closely.
They help me to discover and remember who I am not. Though I may not be like them in every sense I have enough things that I relate to that help me understand me better. I have a problem relating to women and it has been a painful journey at times to be rejected by my own. I do enjoy the friendship of men much more often because they don’t mess with me…usually. The more I read about Ada the more I feel connected to her, and love her ideas and thoughts. I have discovered some great resources about her. The more I read the more I feel there are some definite Aspie traits going on. I am speculating of course. I read a recent blog post that talked about how Aspie’s tend to share. We like to share our interests with others A LOT. Possibly searching for others to relate to, seeking that connection that we often do not feel with others because our interests are not always the most exciting to the rest of the world. OR we are enthralled in them to the point that nothing else compares.
Still we want to share what we like and what we learned with EVERYONE.
That is unless we have been made fun, told it was a stupid (strange) topic, or we felt no one was interested based on their reactions. I speak for myself here, but I love sharing things with people and I get SO excited when they share with me. It is an act of love and acceptance for someone to share their thoughts, likings, any part of them basically. I enjoy the differences in people, and I enjoy finding connections with them as well. It makes me kind of giddy. I am sharing about Ada, she is very personal to me and I do not really have a clear answer why. She just feels very close to me — I think it may be the way she saw the world. She looked at science and math in a poetic way. It was tagged “Poetical Science”. Those words made me feel exposed, but they felt like home as well.
In my past I learned to hide any knowledge that I had.
At times I was unable to keep my mouth shut, but mostly I learned to “pretend” I had no knowledge of what people were talking about. I would sit and watch them quietly while the wheels in my head spun. I would listen, fuse their words into my head, and go home and research. I would hit the bookstores, or the library and there I was off on my own personal information tangent. I would write down words people said, if I did not agree with them I would go and seek out books on the subject to figure out what they believed and why I did not agree. The majority of the time I ended up with a changed mind and a lot of knowledge about something I never knew before.
I couldn’t share it though.
I felt like I didn’t understand it well enough, I felt like they would make fun of me or belittle me for what I said. My quiet observations led people to believe that I indeed did not understand. It didn’t help that I have selective mutism and lose my words when anxious, nervous, sensory overloaded, or extremely passionate about something. This type of passion would be if someone were to tell me that my special interest was ignorant, dumb, I didn’t understand it, or I was too emotionally attached to it. That would (will) make me lose my words. I am truly rambling today. I have no real point other than to share one of my special interests — that is not true. I do have a purpose here.
I am doing it because I feel like something was stolen from me.
People have no idea what words or actions can do to people, they can be devastating to someone like me. In the past when I had been making great progress and feeling more self-assured I allowed other people to steal away all that I had achieved with their words. It doesn’t matter whether it was my misinterpreting the words, or the person purposely trying to pull me down. I allowed it and sank into myself and hid away vowing never to come out again. I still did peek out here and there, but with great caution. Today I am facing that fear and I am not allowing it to happen.
I am happy to be me, and I am very happy with how far I have come since the summer.
I am staying here in this place and moving forward. I am shaking off any words from the past that are triggers, and any words that are not encouraging. I am and have been since a child a very open person and I have shared freely. It wasn’t until others ruined that part of me that I stopped and hid myself. I cannot lose that part of me again. It makes me feel whole when I share no matter how scary, or exposing it is for me. I understand that I cannot share everything for my own protection, and for other’s protection as well. I have learned boundaries and I am still learning them. Through reading about Ada I was strengthened and encouraged to stay my course.
I took this excerpt from Ada ,The Enchantress of Numbers:Poetical Science
“There is a great benefit in not copying and pasting because it enables you to come to the next step interpretation, which then leads to integration of both the facts and imagination. Using this process I detected “Seven Cs”, or skills that helped Ada find her way: curiosity, creativity, critical thinking, commitment, collaboration, controversy and finally, care, compassion and copyright.” (My emphasis added)
When I read that everything connected for me.
I told myself to deal with my fears because they appeared for a reason. They are mine and the words and actions of others are only there to expose what I need to work on in myself. (Unless they are abusive and I am not talking about abuse.) They are my triggers and I am no longer afraid of them. The seven C’s represent a lot of who(m) I am, but I am not physically copyrighted…yet. They represent things that I have been ashamed of and fearful of sharing because so many times when I did it wasn’t a positive experience. People just do not get how their words can be so damaging to another human being. In my past I would rather have a physical blow than to have someone hit me with their violent or damaging words. I don’t think that I am the only one who feels that way. Though being physically abused has its own set of trauma, the bruises heal — the words attached to the blows dig deep. They last as if they were written in stone and it takes time to chisel them off. BUT they can they can be chiseled and they can be rewritten!
So I share more of me to rewrite my past and walk in the present healing.
All about Ada!! (Ada Lovelace Day: 16 October 2012! )
OK! If you do not want to read all of that, and I spared you the several other links that I have, here is a quick video.
Guess who/what the kids are learning about this week. Hee hee