Change…A Lot Of Change…

I am feeling kind of overwhelmed with some changes that are going on around here. I am also not sure how to process certain events that are taking place…like things going right. I mean everything is falling in to place for things to actually happen without great hindrance or struggle. Yes, I am not used to that at all and I do not know how to process it. The funds we needed to get Daniel reevaluated and the funds for my diagnosis evaluation have come in and it was very unexpected. I am not complaining, but I always have that hint of “Great! Everything is going right, now what bad thing is going to happen?”

I try not to — I really do not want to think like that.

It seems to be the pattern though. I am trying to focus on living in the moment, being grateful for the resources, and the positive things taking place. I admit it can be a little hard though. I am adjusting to my “creepy” liking sister moving back in with my mom. I think it will be really great for her and mom. Those two are SO much alike. They are perfect roomies because they both have many of the same “quirks” and “rituals”. This particular sister mom and I think is on the spectrum as well, but we will let her figure that out on her own. She is already starting to notice many similarities that she had not seen before. She is 24 years old and has had some pretty traumatic events happen to her already. We almost lost her a couple of years ago.

She almost died due to a serious complication with an autoimmune disorder.

The doctors are still stumped and could never rightfully diagnosis what it was; at one point her platelet count was at 7. She was hospitalized several times, and went through different procedures. They finally tried a new cancer treatment on her that worked, and she has not had any problems since. It was very scary. It was about a year later that her boyfriend who she was living with got upset with her and packed his stuff up one day when she was at work and left. She never saw it coming, she had to move in with my other sister who operates out of emotion and is always unable to read. It is hard for all of us including my “emotional” sister; she is surrounded by three other women who don’t get it! Sigh…for all of us.

My sister moved in with my mom to try to get her life on track.

She is usually very level headed and she is bright. (Both of my sisters are very bright. My other sister has great insight a lot of times also, but she doubts herself.) She already came up with a two year plan to go out on her own. She plans everything! It’s new though, and we all are adjusting. I do feel much better about us moving back to my hometown with her living with mom. They are good for each other. I still don’t want to leave my mom, but that is me being a big baby and caretaker at the same time. I am freaking out the closer and closer it gets to us moving as well. A lot of changes are going to happen then. A LOT! I am feeling very confident in my progress to be able to go back there and not be traumatized by my past. I have processed and dealt with a large portion of that trauma in my life. I no longer call it the “armpit of hell” that is good. Now I just call it “evil”. Lol! I’m kidding! (Kind of) I do have anxiety about it though.

Some days it is an overwhelming all consuming feeling.

The move involves many different things for all of us. AND Packing! I am working on my resume and that is freaking me out!! I am attempting a writer/blogger resume. It makes me nervous, but I do not see how I am going to be able to work out of the home just yet. Possibly I will be fine working part-time — I am not sure though. I haven’t worked in so long it is frightening (an anxious feeling not scared) to think about. My thoughts have been consumed with all of this because it is becoming real. I have managed to make it erase from my thoughts over and over again, but many things have transpired last week and this weekend to make it very real.

Awwwwwwwwww!! I am going to miss the beach!!!

Sorry I had to shout that because it was taking over my brain. :-) I don’t want to talk about this anymore I am getting sad, excited, scared, and happy all at the same time. Overload-loop-overload-loop-loop-loop-blip-loop. All better, let’s talk about how it has been proven that I am indeed the reason for my “creepy” loving sister’s passion for what my mom considers creepy. She shared with my mom in intricate detail about her eighth birthday which she considers a pivotal moment in her life. There were many, many things going on in our life during that time. It seems as though I gave her “The Nightmare Before Christmas” movie. That would be me — yes I saw no problem with giving an eight year old a movie like that. The rating is PG I still think it’s ok. My mom is sensitive to images and movies like what Tim Burton creates.

She has been “passionate” about it and things like it ever since.

I have pictures below of some of her collections. I also introduced her to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. My favorite was Raphael. :-) So OK! I take some responsibility for her love of darky creepy type of things, but I never told her to go get a tattoo of the skeleton. I have no tattoos on my body. I am too freaky about any equipment touching my body that has touched another human being. You can ask my doctors about that one. Good times. She also has a cute little¬†Chihuahua named Chico. I had to get a few pictures of him too. There I think I feel better…at least I stopped my near “OMG! EVERYTHING IS CHANGING AND I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER ANYTHING MELTDOWN”. Much better. Interesting at my mom’s house were a ton of sparrows. They were flying all around her roof, and to the trees across the street. I tried to get good shots, but to no avail. I put in my mom’s painting she is working on. Shh!

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2 thoughts on “Change…A Lot Of Change…

  1. Lori Degtiarev

    Angel, I know where you are coming from. My husband and I had a very big move five years ago. It took months to recover from the whole process, and I did not have the additional burden of family concern.

    I am an only child, and have no advice for your sister situation. The dynamics are unfathonable to me. Your insight into your family’s place on the spectrum is wonderful, however. I think understanding that will help you help them more.

    When I think back on my own moving experience, the advice I could give you, you probably already know–lots of notes, lists, and help from others.

    The hardest part of any move is not the change, it is the uncertainty. I build sturdy maps in my mind for good reason, they support me when I am overwhelmed. Without an actual experience, I map it on paper. It really helps.

    Best wishes to you. The wonderful thing is that this will all pass and you will be incredibly proud of yourself for managing so many things at once.

    Cheers. :)

  2. Angel Post author

    Hi Lori,

    I am more hopeful this time around, we moved here back in 2008 and that was very stressful. We still had not had a diagnosis for Daniel so there was a lot of confusion. It took all of us a very long time to recover. I think I may be feeling a little of that fear, but at least this time I am prepared with that knowledge.

    I feel like an only child since my first sister that I lived wasn’t born until I was almost 12 years old. Siblings are very confusing to me.

    Great advice! I get sidetracked and forget to make my lists. I need to start now and make my plans. That is probably why I had a min-freak out to force myself to get on track. I do so much better when I am prepared and can check things off lists to see that I am getting things completed.

    Uncertainty! Yes, that is it. I am concerned about many things but one is having to rely on my aunt to find a house for us, and that is uneasy just thinking about. A house has the potential of making life flow with ease or be confining and stressful. Yikes!

    Thank you so much for your encouraging words and advice they helped a lot. :-) Focus, focus, focus….

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