Wednesday was surprisingly calm. I had anticipated a few more meltdowns, or squabbles because of “conversation confusion”. The conversation confusion that happens around here can lead to some serious verbal throw-downs and at times doll accessories or Hex Bugs being tossed. Ok, those items did get thrown, but not in the usual “I am mad you because you confused me with what you said, and I do not understand why you would say that” type of way. It was all sensory processing and coming down from the anticipation of the wedding only to rise back into anticipation for the movie related. What I mean by verbal throw-downs a recent conversation between Joshua and Ariel:

Joshua: I need a red Lego for my ship. (Sound of digging through Lego’s ouch to my ears.)

Ariel: That is not a red Lego.

Joshua: Yes, it is red.

Ariel: No, it’s  not it is dark red.

Joshua: It is red.

Ariel: Look, it is dark red this one is red.

(Compare two different Lego’s indeed one is darker.)

Joshua: Just get away from me, you are overloading me.

Ariel: It’s not red! It’s dark red.

Joshua: (Hands over ears) Leave me alone.

Ariel: (tiny fists clenched) Arrrgggg! (run to room and curl up with dragons)

I get everyone calmed down and we have a lesson on color perception, and how it is ok to call things simply one color. Ariel thought she was helping him, and Joshua didn’t understand why she was interrupting his Lego play, plus he felt he was correct because technically it is a shade of red that he felt everyone else would call red too. (They are both correct.) Verbal throw-downs are like that. Sidetracked much? I already had a feeling that David taking Ariel and Joshua to see Star Wars: Episode I in 3D was not going to go well, but I also knew that he really wanted to do that with them. I knew that they really wanted to go as well. I had already anticipated they would not make it through the whole film.

We have only been to the movies once.

We saw “Up” at AMC it was a “Sensory Friendly Film”. It went well Daniel made it through most of the movie, but it was the aftermath that was too much. It took days for all of us to recover. The last church we were going to is (“is” because they are still there) in a movie theater like that and every week it was loud, had too many flashing lights, the smells, the carpet designs, the arcade room, and on and on the sensory consuming mass took over our brains and it would take a few days to recover. AND that was not even watching a movie! I knew Ariel would be ok, even though she would not be afterwards. Joshua is another story. The poor little guy has to wear the noise cancelling headphones when sitting at the table to eat. I feel for him– I can’t even eat at the table. (Eating at tables with people can be very hard for me on multiple levels.) He gets overloaded at crunching, or any other mouth noises you can think of. He is the loudest and most high-pitched, but he cannot handle it if someone else is.

He gets so upset with Daniel sometimes.

Daniel will be breathing too loud sometimes, not to the rest of us, but to Joshua. Joshua gets exhausted and frustrated with sounds and too much visual stimulation. If his circuits are all scattered I cannot understand a word he is saying. It turns into high-pitched “wahsakhiiahiajgkj;aslkdguigh;”and I am all “What? I can’t understand you.” This turns into Joshua screaming like this: “Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!” and running into his room, shutting the door until he has calmed down. He then has either forgotten what he was saying or he is able to speak clearly. It is not a happy time for any of us. The great thing about Joshua is that he does his scream or voices his frustration and is able to go back to his normal happy self. Sometimes it takes longer than other times, when he feels like he has hurt someone’s feelings or if he feels like someone has treated him unjustly.

Focus, Angel. Short version. (HA!)

I told them they had to wear their headphones — Ariel said she couldn’t because they were choking her. Yes, they were on her head and not on her neck. We had to come up with an alternate noise canceller. We found a Scooby-Doo head wrap and a pink, green, and white striped hat. (Ariel and I both love this hat it has a cool tassel ball on top. I have such a small head that I can wear her hats. ) I got over my anxieties about them leaving and was happy that they were able to go. Daniel and I had planned on reading some of the new books we got, make a Hex Bug book, play some games on the Hex Bug site, and of course play with Hex Bugs. Because everyone knows that Hex Bugs are the only thing in the world that matter. AND they have an awesome website that is way fun. I mean… Daniel really loves them. He does I like the website. Ok! They go around and around through hexagons! Their home is hexagons! Who doesn’t love that??

David and the kids left.

Daniel was a little upset and didn’t understand at first why he couldn’t go. I explained to him again where they were going and asked if he wanted to go see a movie. He said that he did not, but he had tears in his eyes. He was getting upset and trying to rub the tears away. I asked him if he was worried because he asked about the car, he said no. I asked him if he felt left out he said no. I asked him if he knew what he was feeling he said no. He was getting very frustrated with the tears and started throwing his body, getting ready to go into a meltdown. He buried his head in my lap and started to get a little aggressive so I asked him to please sit up. I told him that it was ok to cry, and this stopped him. He looked at me and asked:”Why?” He then asked: “Why am I crying?” I told him: “I don’t know, but it’s ok to cry. Mommy cries all the time.”

He kind of giggled, then smiled, but tried to hide it.

I told him sometimes we just need to cry and it makes us feel better. He accepted this, the tears stopped, and we played Hex Bugs and finished our other plans as well. However, the phone rang; David and the kids were coming home. Joshua started getting a headache. I think they made it through 1/3 of the movie. I knew that Ariel was very upset I could feel it through the phone. When they walked in the door they had just realized they left her hat at the theater. Not good. David forgot she had it because she took it off. She ran into her room. I went in there with her and held her. Daniel wouldn’t leave, and he was smiling and laughing and looking at her. I asked him if he was trying to make her feel better and he said: “Yes!” He was very worried about her, but an outsider would have thought he was being insensitive. He was not he was showing empathy his way.

He bounced on her bed, and then got her Hex Bug for her.

She did not want the Hex Bug, but he was trying to help her. He tried to tickle her too. She was completely shutdown in my arms. She then started crying uncontrollably. I asked Daniel to go get some tissues for her and he did. He then sat on her bed and talked about her dragons trying to make her happy. She was not listening she couldn’t. I asked her if she was upset about the movie and if she wanted to go back. She could not answer and she had no idea why she was crying. I know that part of the reason for the tears was that the plan got messed up. It threw everything off even though I tried to prepare her that they may have to leave. She was upset at Joshua, but felt bad for feeling upset because he could not help it. She was overloaded from going to the wedding the night before, and from the movie theater. She wanted to see the movie so badly though that she didn’t care. I just held her for about 15 minutes while she sobbed.

I had gone through that the day before.

I had my own social anxieties on Tuesday that I had not considered because I was feeling so calm, and happy from the positive experience at the movies. I was handling my anxiety in a much more positive way, but my brain was still processing all of the movie experience and processing the anticipation for that evening. I had my crash Tuesday afternoon. Ariel had her crash Wednesday evening. I always forget to think about how much energy it takes for us to process our whole environment. I forget how much additional time it takes to process. I am aware of our sensory and social issues, but when I am not in a panic I think everything is fine. I tend to forget that I will still be affected. I can remember this for the kids, but I forget for myself. The idea of processing is understood, but I forget that everything is taken in. In the movie theater alone, I took in smells, visuals, details in the carpet, I noticed the light fixtures that were broken, I noticed the woman next to me was wearing beige boots, with white socks, and she had short black hair (she came in when it was dark), I heard buzzing, and saw flashes, and I was consumed in the emotions of the movie and every detail with that.

I am stopping there, but I could go on in greater detail.

I know that the kids go through this, and it is especially difficult for the kids to understand why I do not let them go to certain places that are full of sensory stimulation. It seems like I am being cruel at times by not letting them go places or do things, but I have to weigh the consequences. They are not able to explain their social anxieties right now, but I am seeing some of the signs. This week is one of those times that I knew we all had to experience new things, but I also prepared myself for outcomes like leaving the movie early, meltdown/shutdowns, and tears. Ariel was able to cry it out and be ok. She and David will attempt the movies another time alone. Joshua came home and built all the ships that he did see in the short time of watching the movie they were pictures in his mind.

This whole crying thing is good for all of us to accept.

I had to let all my tears out the other day; I did have a few yesterday as well. I cried because my brain was processing, my body was trying to recover from the heightened emotions and the chemicals that are soaring through it. I was on a complete happy high, so of course to balance it out my brain is going to produce the chemicals needed to bring balance. We all do this, but for those of us with sensory and anxiety issues it is like a double dose. I think it could be why some of us get diagnosed as Bipolar. Just a theory. Everything worked out and we are all back to our overloaded normal selves. I am quite exhausted, but I am happy to report that I am not feeling depressed or down. I have listened to my body and have taken recovery time. I have not condemned myself for sitting and watching a movie. We all did what we needed to do in order for our brains to process. I think we will wait a bit longer for Joshua to go to the movies. Ariel will have to go soon though because she is still a little bummed about that.

Lesson for this week:

“Tears are a release and can be a good thing.” They do not always reflect emotions, but they can be the body’s way of release when you do not know how to regulate your sensory or social world. I know I accepted this about myself…kind of. I will help the kids accept it too. I do ask for some prayers, happy thoughts, positive vibes, or whatever because my entire right shoulder feels like it is ripping off of the bone. I am not kidding some serious pain up in here. It is progressing to my neck and a little in my arm. It gets worse when I lay down. No likey! I am going to a play tonight I hope it starts to ease, it has been hurting for a few days now. It is making it difficult to type, do laundry, basically anything, but it’s not stopping me, I probably should rest it. I am not good at resting. Oh! I got a picture of the cake from the wedding, (I took it off of fb I don’t think they would mind.) and other pictures from the day. And a frog I found last night. And a picture of a dragon that Ariel drew with her eyes closed…Ok, I am done, really.

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